I’m glad Jason posted at rocks&beans (not /blog, it’s /blog/index.html, as /blog takes you to an old index from the days of double reverse ninja kicks in the two-sided ring) because for a while I was starting to feel like the Omega Man. I was gonna have to go fight Dr. O’Wily.
THIS FANTASY IS TOTALLY GONNA BE THE FINAL ONE, TRUST ME ON THIS: I picked up the new single-player Final Fantasy game Tuesday night. It seemed like a safe buy…my least favorite FF game of the post-NES era was IX and IX isn’t all that bad, really. I actually didn’t know when this new game was coming out until I saw the ads on RAW, which is sort of surprising since I was all excited in advance about both FFX and FFX2 when they came out. FFX because it was the first PS2 era FF game, and FFX2 because I’m the only person in the world who likes Yuna and I wanted to see what happened to her after the events of FFX. But yeah, anyway…the new game is ok. You have a lot more say in how your characters develop as far as skills and equipment specialties than you had in X, when Khimari was the only guy you got to sort of mold and pick a path for. Of course the problem with that is that it’s possible to waste points when building your character. My first FFX playthrough saw a really shitty Khimari get built, now that I think about it.
The RAW theme would work, as much as I hate songs that consist largely of the word “whoa,” if only the big climactic line wasn’t so fucking gay. OMG WE’RE BADASS DUDES WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING WE CUT OURSELVES OPEN ON BARBED WIRE AND BLEED BUCKETS AND SHOOT KNIVES OUT OF OUR EYES BUT WE JUST WANNA BE LOOOOOOVED.
WE JUST WANNA BE LOVED BY EACH OTHER isn’t a very good nickname since it could refer to any two people on the roster really, but in this case it’s Edge and Randy. They have stools to sit on, so I guess this is a The Cutting Edge. Wow, my grammar checker has no issues with a The. It isn’t working very hard. Edge reveals it’s his birthday. Randy is shocked. Edge way overdoes the “pretending to throw up in his mouth and swallowing it” joke because it makes him sick to spend his birthday with the horrible fans he hates so much because he is a heel. The RAW roster is so goddamned bland. All of the main eventers seem to have the gimmick of being “some dude” so the heels have to be ridiculously direct in insulting the fans so the fans will cheer for the other generic dudes who are good guys. As much as Monday fits my schedule better, I miss the show where heels have characters like “guy who thinks he is a king” and “guy who throws midgets at people.” Both shows have boring as shit faces, but that’s another issue. Edge shows us footage of Randy beating Trips last week on the Stupidtron, and I had already forgotten about that. Wow, I can’t read it all because of how this shot is framed, but that fan sign appears to be a short paragraph’s worth of text. Haha, upside-down DX sign. Let’s bring out the potential heel referees at Cyberman Sunday. First is THE FIRST RULE OF ALCHEMY IS THAT CONTROVERSY CREATES CASH. I watched part of Full Metal Alchemist the other night for whatever reason. I had a new PS2 game and I watched an anime whose plot I know nothing about. Randy introduces IF I WERE RIKISHI I WOULD BE AN EXECUTIVE ASS-ISTANT HAHA IT’S AN ASS JOKE KID. You know I’m dogging it when I make Rikishi/ass jokes in 2006. Edge introduces INSERT COCK JOKE HERE. JR: “Jon the Coachman!” That would be a great alt-tag if I ever have need of one again. I’d be John the Coachman, though. Ferrying people across a river of apathy towards RAW. This is such a stupid election issue. Eric has no storyline beef with DX, Coachman hasn’t been effective as a heel since…well, possibly ever, at least since he gave JR a country whippin’, and Vince hasn’t done anything in weeks and is probably going to turn face for no reason soon. Edge invites all three guys to tell us why they should be the special guest referee. Bischoff cuts a pretty good promo about how he was controversial before Shawn, Hunter, “or even Vince” knew what controversy was. Vince looks perturbed. Coach gets the mic and complains that he gets no respect. I’m ok now but I was a wreck last week lemmie tell ya. Take my wife, please. Vince is actually pretty brief for once, and says he’ll treat DX the way they treat him. But then, damn, he’s not done. He sets up some plot for us…Shawn is not here, but Hunter must face Randy Orton (for the third fucking week in a row thank you so bloody much) in a Condom Match. “Quite frankly” is the equivalent of a comma to Vince McMahon. Vince makes Edge the special referee tonight, then kicks everyone else out of the ring so he can talk to Coach (huh?) Coachman: “Tête-à-tête.” Wow, look at all those squigglies. Vince asks Coach what he has planned for Cena to prepare him for Cyber Sunday. Coach suggests giving him the night off so he’s rested (the logic being that Vince wants Coach to help the RAW brand he represents) but Vince says no. Then Coach suggests putting Cena in a handicap match against Booker and Big Show (the logic being, wait, what?) and Vince says no. Vince suggests letting the fans vote on an opponent for Cena. Vince: “Will John Cena, will John Cena face, the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, well he used to be I guess, now the World Heavyweight Champion, will it be, King Booker?” Retard. The choices are King Booker, Big Show, or Jonathan Coachman. Why Vince is doing this to his own lackey is not explained at all. Vince tells us to go to “WE.com” this time, instead of “WV.com,” but still not wwe.com. Then he has to explain how to text your vote with a cell phone, and channels the Miz by completely fucking that up and having to read the instructions off the Stupidtron. What a horrible, horrible opening segment.
Commercials. MORTAL KOMBAT!
Lawler votes online. Lawler: “I gotta type in a security code? What’s that about?” Yes, criticize the process live on the air, good job. THE HOLLYWOOD…BRUNETTES, EXCEPT NITRO HAS BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS, SO NEVERMIND are here. Melina is texting. This is some (part 2 of) kinda triple threat thing. I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD TO SPEND 20 LICENSE POINTS TO WEAR THIS DRAGON SHIRT is out next, followed by I SPIT IN THE FACE OF YOUR GEEKY FINAL FANTASY XII JOKES. I guess these are the guys who can face Jeff Hardy? Who cares? Here’s another really, really long sign by the guy from earlier. It says “Hey Carlito *something something something something* wants their *something* back.” The pause on this VCR makes it really hard to read things. VOTE NOW ON WHETHER I JUMP INTO WATER, FOAM PEANUTS OR LAVA comes out for no reason. JR: “That is an evil woman.” Someone contact LAX to Border Toss her. JR was talking about Melina, by the way, and not Jeff Hardy. All three men crouch to start. The heels doubleteam Carlito for a bit. Carlito escapes from something, tries a springboard back elbow, but both guys catch him and pitch him to the floor, which is good. Shelton kicks Nitro some. Nitro does a flying headscissors sort of thing where he actually ends up landing on his feet and side-Russian legsweeping Shelton. Break dancing legdrop, brief sexy pose, and a cover for 2. Carlito back in and stomps Nitro some. Dropkick for Shelton. High knee for Nitro, and a clothesline. Carlito gets whipped into the corner by Nitro, but he does a huge springboard to land behind Nitro. Setting up for something, but Shelton surprises him with a massive springboard bulldog. Nitro catches Shelton with a fancy kick. Nitro wants the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody, or whatever I called Joey Mercury’s neckbreaker, but Shelton escapes, sends him to the ropes, and murders him with a huge alley-oop. Here’s a “JEFF HARDY” sign where for some reason the fan has elected to write “JEFF HARDY” in the lower right-hand corner of their sign and left a huge amount of white space above and to the left of the text. Shelton goes up, Carlito tries to attax, but all he does is delay Shelton so his leap is a THE STUPID into a kick from Nitro. Carlito sneaks in to toss Nitro and capitalize on Shelton’s being stunned to give him the Arch Deluxe for 3.
Commercials. Crazy Jon sure is crazy.
Our bodog.net Poker thing of the week is K-Fed slapping J-Cen (haha that totally sounds like Jason wow) and then butt-crawling away.
FAIRLY TODDPARENTS interviews J-CEN SENSATION. John Cena says he may have beer for breakfast tomorrow. Then he makes fun of K-Fed in a really lame way I can’t be bothered to relay to you. But be certain: Lawler laughed. Now Cena talks about Todd. Cena: “YOU LIKE DUDES!” Todd reveals that he secretly doesn’t like Cena. This can end any time now. John promises to “walk that aisle like Frankenstein on PCP.” Angry yelling. Why is he still talking? Marine salute.
TWO VICIOUS RIVALS WHO HATE EACH OTHER are Torrie and Candice, who are giggling and chatting about how they want Jonathan Coachman to die. They were vicious rivals who hated each other, right? I could have sworn they feuded about Playboy somehow. Torrie wanders off to find I FLIP IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO IRISH WHIP ME INTO THE ROPES. She apparently thinks he’s cute because, I dunno, he looks like Chloe? She suggests that maybe Carlito is lonely now that Trish is gone, and needs someone to discuss his feelings with. Carlito wackily wants to have sex with her but has to avoid saying so. It’s wacky. They agree to meet for dinner later. Whatever storyline that had for Carlito and Trish, I’m substituting Torrie will ruin it.
Commercials. Final Fantasy XII ad. If the girl the narrator is talking about is the main character, two hours of gameplay has not been enough for me to even get to her yet.
ECW Extreme Halloween will feature cleavage. I feel like such a rube for thinking Vince and his crew would let ECW be ECW.
MAYBE NOW I CAN BE AN OBSESSED TORRIE WILSON FAN has developed a running technique that makes her boobs move about five times as much as the rest of her body. She joins the commentary team, and laughs at all of Lawler’s awful sexual innuendo. WATCH OUT RANDY I WON’T LOSE EDGE WITHOUT A FIGHT is out first, and will be facing WATCH OUT HACKSAW I WON’T LOSE EUGENE WITHOUT A FIGHT. This is a semi-final match in the women’s title tourney. And, whoa, the fans get to vote for the match stipulations at Cyberman Sunday! I just sort of assumed like everyone else that they’d vote on outfits. The choices are No Dairy Queen, Diva Lumberjacks or Submission Match, which is pretty fucking shocking. I expected Bra and Panties, Wet and Wild Water Match Thing, or Something Else Terrible. Lawler repeats last week’s “Rated E for Everyone” joke about Lita, and it’s exactly as funny now as it was then. Mind you, I would think I was terribly clever if I’d used it first, but I also would have left it alone after one use. Really though, this is nowhere near as good as Rated ARRR Superstar. Lita mouths off at Mickie, allowing Maria to get some ruthless rollups for 2. Lita takes over with a clothesline, and a side-Russian legsweep for 2. Backbreaker. A cover for 2. Punches. Clubbering. Kicks. Lita just (part 2 of) kinda shoves her down. Mickie starts talking about how good it would be to be in a submission match. See if you can use the satellite maneuver. Then you can have an implied “obsessed Gail Kim fan” gimmick. Lita sends Maria into the corner, but charges into a boot. And Lita fucking charges into the boot AGAIN. Bulldog by Maria. Maria celebrates. Horribly executed Face Full of Vagina on Lita. But then again, Lita may like it, as all the Scouts are believed by some creep somewhere to be gay. Lita counters into a cover with her feet on the ropes, but it’s completely obvious so the ref breaks it up. Lita thumbs Maria in the eye and DDTs her to death for the win. Hey, I completely blanked on her pirate shirt until now. TEAM PIRATES IS COMING BACK BABY. She has a pirate bandana too. Lita gets in Maria’s face, and Maria gives us “rage,” but is undermined by the twenty pounds of glitter on her eyelashes.
Commercials. AT LAST, “LITTLE MAN” ON DVD!
I don’t care about The Marine.
The Big Show is backstage fatting.
RATED R FOR READY TO HAVE SEX WITH LITA is our special guest referee in this rubber match. First out is RUBBERS GO ON COCKS HAHAHAHA. It was that or “Rated R for R You Ready,” so pick your poison. nWo poison. JR yells “Poker” as part of an ad bumper, but it sort of sounds like “poke her.” With a rubber. I’m gonna fastforward through Hunter’s entrance if you don’t mind, and also if you do mind. Oops, he sneak attax Edge during the “Are you ready?” spiel. Mic-shot, kick-wham-pedigree. Trips: “I guess he wasn’t ready!” He orders the various crew dudes to remove Edge’s corpse. DON’T FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE GUEST REF AT CYBER SUNDAY GUEST REFS ARE IMPORTANT WE NEVER CASUALLY REPLACE THEM BEFORE A MATCH STARTS.
Commercials. The FFXII ads are just there to taunt me into wishing I’d done this “live” and was now playing the game I spent goddamned $55 on.
Triple H has been replaced by Jack Doan. I mean, Edge has been replaced, haha, it would be pretty strange for Randy Orton to job to Jack Doan. Here’s Trips’ opponent, I CAN’T POSSIBLY WIN I KNOW NOTHING OF RUBBERS. Both men punch, and Trips teases a pedigee early, cause Orton to flee to the outside and have a temper tantrum. Everyone runs around, and Orton ends up being clotheslined to the floor. Orton pulls Trips to the floor and European uppercuts him. Clubbering. He bounces Trips’ head off the steps. Trips blocks being slammed into the table, and bounces Orton off of it instead. Fan sign: “Randy Orton Legend Killer,” with Killer written really small because they ran out of room. I love stuff like that. Both men back in and Orton takes over somehow. Punches. JR: “Straight right hands!” None of that gay stuff. Trips escapes something and chop blocks Randy. He goes outside to slam Randy’s leg against the corner post a few times. He goes back in for another chop block. More attax on the knee. Triple H leans on the top rope, which is cocky (HAHAHA LIKE COCKS.) JR: “No wasted motion!” He attacks the knee some more. Mocking the melodramatic douche pose, which is pretty ironic considering he dramatically spits water and poses during his twenty hour entrance. Trips wants a spinning toe hold or something, but Randy kicks him off into the corner. RKB (or, if you’re JR, “inverted backbreaker!”) Randy with a DDT that looked significantly less bad-assed than Lita’s. Randy with bunches of punches, and the melodramatic douche pose. Fan sign: “WHERE IS STING.” No question mark. Haha, Randy with the Garvin Stomp, what a fucking moron. Randy applies his best move, the ninja chokeout. He looks like he’s humping Trip’s shoulder. Triple H fights out, but Randy pulls him down by the hair. Randy wanders into some kicks. Punching back and forth. Orton sends Trips’ to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and eats a facebuster. More stuff. Edge runs in and spears Triple H. This ending is fine by me because it means I can stop watching this match until it’s somehow next week’s main event. Edge goes outside and gets a steel chair. Triple H fights off both men for awhile, but eventually Edge chairs him. Edge gives Randy a chair, so Randy RKOs Triple H onto it…no, Trips shoves off. Edge spears Triple H, then checks on Orton, who somehow hurt himself by missing the RKO. This is so fucking stupid. Triple H slips out, grabs a sledgehammer, and comes back in to chase away both heels. Orton managed to get hit with the handle, to devastating effect. Triple H can beat both Orton and Edge by himself, but will he be able to beat them when he has help? Buy Cyber Sunday to find out! JR and King make weird comments implying the sledgehammer is a penis.
Commercials. Borat. I ended up sitting through the Comedy Central special on this movie, and it actually looks to be very funny.
We’re back, to Queen Sharmell and King Booker existing. They’re not miced (miced?) and are just there so JR and King can talk about them, so no nicknames.
INVENTOR OF THE HOOOOOOOOOO-TRAIN ATTACK and I RIDE THE SHORT TRAIN are in the ring. They will be having a handicap match (advantage: Eugene) against WE DO NOT HAVE TRAINS IN SAMOA (w/SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT CASTRO, HE MAKES THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME.) This match is what Heat is supposed to be for. Eugene is afraid of Umaga. Lawler: “Eugene has been traumatized.” JR: “Indeed, last week Eugene, uh, was shooting T-shirts at the fans, in the crowd here in…with that T-shirt gun, and then Umaga came in with Estrada, Eugene became a victim, and then after the match in the trainer’s room, Hacksaw Duggan tried ta…reason with Eugene and Eugene uh went a little ballistic with Hacksaw and, obviously that was an isolated incident.” Pause. JR: “Eugene traumatized…good way of putting it, King. Very accurate.” I don’t know why but I found that really hilarious. Like JR was desperately waiting for Lawler to say something and Jerry had no idea. I also like how JR compliments King on his concise and accurate nutshell of the situation from what felt like five minutes earlier by the time JR was done filibustering. So, Umaga is in and Eugene flees the ring without attacking him. The whole match is Umaga kicking Hacksaw’s ass while the camera shows Eugene on the outside being scared and retarded. Scaretarded? Hacksaw tries a clubber when Umaga turns to shout at Eugene, but Umaga no-sells and clubbers Duggan. Eugene hides behind Lillian. He covers his head, because if he can’t see Umaga, Umaga can’t see him. He learned that from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Umaga does Air Samoa and the Samoan Brother Runt for the win.
Coachman and Bischoff are in a hallway, by a door. Coachman says he will prove he can beat Cena by beating up the next person to come through that door. I NEED A DAMN THESAURUS is Farooq, who has apparently been waiting with his ear to that door for hours, hoping someone would say something stupid like that. Coachman flees without beating him up, but hey, at least he wasn’t misted hilariously as tends to happen when people decide to do things to whoever comes through doors and things. Farooq says what you think he said, though there’s really no reason for him to have said that unless he knew Coachman had planned to beat up the next person to come through that door, which of course he did because he was waiting with his ear pressed to the door for hours, as previously established.
Commercials. Oh good, another game featuring Lance Vance.
SHUT UP ABOUT THE MARINE.
JR: “King, I’ve been told that for our main event tonight, we’ve already received over three-quarters of a million votes!” THAT’S ONE FOR EVERY YEAR I’VE BEEN WRESTLING comes out. He reminds us that we will decide who his partner will be at Cyberman Sunday. All three men are “flagships” so if you sink them you win automatically in Broderbund’s Ancient Art of War at Sea. And you get to hear “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” in ancient midi-style audio instead of a dark, brooding rendition of “What Would You Do With a Drunken Sailor?” Ok, so, all three of these guys have “personal history” with Ric Flair. Sexy. We are introduced to MY SLAUGHTERMOBILE IS A MODEL-T, THE REALLY OLD JAMIE FROM “THE TWO DOCTORS” and I’M SO SENILE I FORGOT ALL MY MOVES BUT THEN I WATCHED BUBBA RAYE DUDLEY TO REFRESH MY MEMORY. There’s a Sixth Doctor episode where he and Peri meet the Second Doctor and Jamie because of some time goofiness, and it sort of doesn’t work because while Patrick Troughton looks twenty years older than he did when he played the Second Doctor, it really shows on Frazier Hines who was only a young man when he played Jamie. So…there you go. Hey, at least I didn’t try to get a slaughter nickname out of Doctor Who. There’s a pretty funny scene where the Sixth Doctor addresses a lieutenant as “Sergeant” and Peri corrects him by saying “loo-tenant” and both the Doctor and the lieutenant correct her by saying “left-tenant.” Because future people talk Britishy. They avoided the whole subject of aluminum/aluminium. Slaughter gets the mic first. JR tells us he is a former WWE champion (because it was always the WWE there was never a WWF) but fails to mention that he BETRAYED AMERICA AND JOINED IRAQ OMG HE’S LIKE JOHN KERRY. Slaughter hasn’t got a prayer, which is probably why he’s going first. He calls Flair “General,” and refers to the Spirit Squad as “The Puke Squad.” This surprises Lawler, because apparently Lawler has never seen or heard Sergeant Slaughter in his entire life. Slaughter looks a bit sad, but he still has an awesome voice for calling people maggots. Flair: “Now, how much Rod, can you take? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ha, woo!” What the fuck? Piper: “Do not ever, underestimate your partner! Do not ever, underestimate your opponent!” Do not ever talk. Oh, he shows us under his kilt, how nice. He tells us we should vote for him because he’s never been world champion. He kisses Dusty Rhodes. Lawler: “Rowdy Roddy Piper!” Yes? Now Dusty talks, and Dusty could read the phone book aloud and I’d laugh. Dusty says the fans can do something nobody has ever done by putting Dusty Rhodes in the ring with Ric Flair. Uh…what? He also repeatedly calls Ric Flair a 6-time champion, and I’m pretty sure it’s not a smarky rib but just him being senile since I can’t think of any reason Dusty would disqualify 10 of the reigns. I mean, he had two in WWF and I have no idea how the NWA/WCW ones are split, so maybe Dusty hates WCW, I don’t know. Flair says the Spirit Squad are going to get their “green asses” kicked, because Ric Flair thinks they are naked at all times and their bodies really are green male cheerleader outfits. I do like that they fade to commercials just as Ric Flair is ramming his face into camera wooing.
Commercials. What if GoDaddy and BoDog were to TEAM UP and form BoDaddy or GoDog? What if, I ask you?
Todd Grisham is hanging out with IT’S OK THAT YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING FOR US WE BROUGHT THE HOOD TO YOU AS A GIFT NOT TO GET SOMETHING IN RETURN. They play the characters pretty well because I understand about three quarters of what they’re saying, and most of it is them yelling the names of their friends. The big shitty one steals a monitor and they head for the ring. The crowd does not care, however. I like these guys. Remember what I was saying before about how the whole RAW roster is just normal, sort of douchy, unusually pretty men? How there are no gimmicks left? Well I guess the tag division is the exception, because you can still have Scottish warriors, male cheerleaders, evil cowboys and comical negroes there. The problem is they never get over, and there are probably people in WWE creative who think the reason they don’t get over is because the idea of gimmicks is dated and they can’t connect with an audience. I would argue that the real reason no one in the tag division can get over no matter how fantastic a job they do pouring themselves into the gimmick (po’ one out for the Heartthrobs,) anytime two singles stars get together (like, say, DX) they can crush the entire tag division in a handicap match. Cryme Tyme will be facing OUR GIMMICK IS, UH, THAT LILLIAN GARCIA DOESN’T LIKE US, MAYBE? I just messed up my whole point as Cryme Tyme is about to win a match with two completely unrelated singles guys, though in my own defense I was using logic and the pairing of Viscera and Charlie Haas as a semi-permanent team is like anti-matter to logic’s…matter. For about the fiftieth time this rebeak I wish I was wasting time playing my new game instead of wasting time doing this. The fact that I have accounting exercises to do (always stretch before sharpening pencils) after this makes it suck all the more. Oh, I neglected to mention that Cryme Tyme have hooked up their stolen monitor to a jack from King and Ross’ set-up. Ross calls Viscera “Hefneresque,” and Lawler says “Heiferesque,” which was sort of cute. JTG hops around and screams to show off his grill. Haas kicks and stuff. JTG counters with punches. They fight in the corner. Haas is whipped into the corner, but he catches JTG with an elbow as he rushes in. Stomping. Lawler: “If you were any whiter, you’d be an iPod!” JR: “What’s that mean?” It means you could edit videos. Butterfly suplex by Haas. Another kick. Tag to Viscera. JR reminds us that he’s huge. Haas droptoeholds JTG into a legdrop by Viscera, as even his half of doubleteam moves are fat and shitty. Vis with a scoop and a slam. Big Showesque slap to the chest in the corner. Bearhug, and the camera zooms in on the grill. Vis rams JTG in the evil corner. Now he charges in stupidly, and only hits Haas. Haas tags himself in to prevent JTG from tagging. At least Haas is in so he can job soon. Oh good, JTG spontaneously gets free and tags. Shad beats Haas up some. Slam for Haas. Viscera comes in to do “fat guy who gets hit and flails his arms around but doesn’t fall down.” Shad and JTG join hands and do a team-up axehandle, which is really stupid. Now Shad (I’ll make Shad and Grandpa jokes before this is all over, I’m sure) wanders around randomly as Haas returns to attack JTG. Haas seems to toss JTG, but JTG holds onto the ropes. Shad sends Haas into the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Meanwhile, Viscera is calmly leaving the ring, meaning that for the first time in like a full minute, all four men aren’t in there illegally as the ref does nothing about it. Now Haas wanders backwards towards where JTG is on the apron, and JTG does a sort of inverted hot-shot (in the Haas is facing the wrong way.) The ref is chatting with Viscera, so Shad and JTG are able to do their finisher. No one calls it the “G9” this week so that may not be it’s name anymore. Is that a misspelled Alex Shelley sign? Cryme Tyme head to the announce table to watch the replay on the big screen monitor they installed. Viscera and Haas are on the Farplane. Well, Haas is (visiting Russ) but Viscera is probably at the Farbuffettable. Now Cryme Tyme do a hilarious urban handshake with JR, and I think they hilariously stole Lawler’s watch, possibly.
Commercials. Destroy All Borat 2.
Todd comes across Triple H, who is intense this week.
Coachman, Booker, Sharmell, and Big Show talk backstage. So much talking on this show. Booker and Show each think the other should face Cena tonight, and then they spontaneously synch-up and declare that Coach should face Cena. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be funny or not. Coach was grinning all heelishly when they were arguing, which makes no sense since them not getting along doesn’t really help him, and then he got all terrified when they said he should face Cena, which makes no sense since their opinions don’t matter any more than his does really. None of this makes sense. I’m having a hard time saying anything funny about how…just bad and boring and talky this show is.
THE CYBERMEN FEAR MY GOLDEN ROYAL GOLD AND STUFF (w/YES) come out, and so does I’M IN TIGHT WITH THE CYBERMEN SCI-FI FOREVER BABY. Todd Grisham is in the ring talking over their entrances. THE CYBERMAN FEAR MY BLACK GOLD, KANSAS TEA is next, and his nickname makes no sense. Lawler: “I don’t think anybody would seriously vote for Coach other than me because it wouldn’t a competitive match.” His thinking is right, which will make it that little bit sadder when Coachman “wins” the vote. Not that I’m convinced the voting isn’t rigged, but it is pretty sad the fans will vote for Cena vs a non-wrestler over Cena vs a decent wrestler or Cena vs a horrible but large wrestler. Though the smark in me notes that Cena could be classified as a non-wrestler too with all those punches and shoulderblocks. Coach wins, with about six times as many votes as anyone else. Grisham tries to give him a good luck handshake, but gets ignored. I’ll have to read The Cubs Fan’s Heat recap extra carefully to see if anything comes of that. I’m not even kidding. I WILL DEFEAT THE CYBERMEN BECAUSE I AM A SPACE MARINE. Coachman tries to run up the ramp, but Cena chases him and throws him back in. Big Show “spears” Cena, we’re told, but the camera completely fucking missed it and apparently it wasn’t good enough to warrant a replay. Booker and Show stomp Cena some, throw him into the steps, and send him back in. Coach is all cocky, like he’s going to win because Cena got sent into the steps and then stomped like four times. He covers for 2, then goes around doing horrible clubbing forearms and stopping to pose occasionally as Cena gives us Hoganesque “I am so seriously almost beaten here it isn’t even funny” selling. Booker is on commentary, but it’s ruined because everytime he says anything Show starts talking over him about how he’s talking too much. Cena fights back and wins with his normal crap, big surprise. What a horrible RAW. Booker, on the Five Knuckle Shuffle: “I HATE THIS! I HATE IT! I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THIS!”
Final Thoughts: Did I mention what a horrible RAW this was? According to internet smark logic, DX and Cena will both lose at Cyber Sunday since they won here, but somehow I doubt it. And even if we get one or two upsets, it still won’t make things any better.
