WOOO-WEEE-OOOOOO: So, I got a bunch of Doctor Who vids, and if I had more time I might actually start a Doctor Who page in the style of the old Sailor Moon one. Kinda was a riot (I think Super Asia liked it on it’s own merits and not just for the guy in the pith helmet driving around a motorized version of one of Jim Cornette’s tiny steel cages.) The Krotons and the Dominators are both saved from B&W boredom by the wonderful performance of Doctor Moe. And even The Twin Dilemma was made amusing by being so impossibly stupid (giant telepathic slugs try to take over the universe and don’t really get that far.) But The War Games is still the best. I think the War Lord may be the best sci-fi villain ever. He’s used pretty sparsely, but I like him at least as much as I like Emperor Palpatine. He’s just really, really evil. He makes Gul Dukat look like…who’s a shitty sci-fi villain…General Grievous?
So this theme song is “To Be Loved?” Nice lyrics. “Whoooooa, I never give in, whoooooa I never give up, whooooooa I never give in, I just wanna be wanna be loooooved!” Well you aren’t loved by me. DISS.
DARIUS? XERXES? seem to be DX…BUTWAIT, IT’S A FAAAAAAAAKE! It’s Edge and Orton dressed as DXers. Randy has to wear a wig to be HBK because he’s the only man in WWE who doesn’t have long, dirty-blonde hair. Edge is just Edge, but wearing a wacky plastic nose. He pretends to choke on his water. DX is so unfunny, even people making fun of it aren’t funny. Like me, for example. Orton pretends to hurt his back doing the gay “kneel and pose in front of water-spitting Trips” pose. Edge holds his arms out like a gorilla, which is mildly amusing. Edge falls over during a pose for some reason. Haha, I never noticed this DX theme lyric before: “You better get used to the way the ball bounces!” That’s almost as good as “whether fightin’, or spittin’, my discipline is unforgivin’.” Edge also has a fake moustache and sideburns. He starts the Triple H intro, but breaks off to call it crap. Whoa, why did Randy just stick the end of his mic handle into his mouth? Edge says DX is for 12-year-olds. Boo. The Truth hurts. That Ron Killings packs a mean punch while spinning around in the air. Randy says he and Edge will “kill the legend of DX.” For everyone who likes DX, they have two words. “You suck.” How is that worse than “suck it?” The real DRYLY XERIC come out and shrug this off. They head for the ring. Who will win this opening interview? It doesn’t matter, they have the same music. HBK, to HHH: “Do I look like that much of an idiot when we come out together?” OMG HBK JUST CAME OUT WITH HHH. Trips butters up both men, but it’s all a clever ruse to ask the crowd if they think these two are jokes (which the crowd does.) Now Trips shows Edge’s flaccid penis on the Stupidtron. No, really, he does. It’s a still from the “Live Sex Celebration.” Haha, look at Randy douching it up when Trips mentions his name, and Randy actually thinks Trips is going to say something nice. Trips reveals that Randy is the most downloaded superstar on the web, and Randy is all proud, but HAHAHA HE MEANS GAY SITES OMG! Here’s that shot of Randy and his towel from that one Picture Pages. Now Trips puts in one of HBK from Playgirl as a prankers. HBK: “You told me girls bought that magazine!” Ok, that was actually pretty funny. HHH: “Show the one of Orton with the midget with the jelly beans!” Show that one of Finlay and the midget high-fiving over that “Having a Wonderful Time” song! Jesus Christ, I looked that back up, and found this. Orton: “Hunter, I want you tonight!” Gee, I wonder if HHH will somehow…HHH: “Easy cowboy! You might want me, but I ain’t swinging off that side of the plate, you know what I’m saying?” Edge: “Shut up, shut up, hey, hey, hey, that’s not what he means! What he means is he wants you one on one tonight, so he can beat your ass!” Somehow, some way, HHH also makes that a gay joke. Randy: “I am the top athletic person wrestler man on this show!” Wow. I mean…just wow. Eventually Triple H accepts a match for tonight. HBK has two words for them, but Edge and Orton attack. They get tossed within three seconds. That segment, with two DXes, was two DX segments bad!
According to this graphic, Champion of Champions Match resides on Cyber Sunday.
Commercials. What the fuck is with Rockstar’s “Bully?” The game appears to have no playable segments, just a digitized teen movie.
Last week’s Destroy All Humans 2 of the week was Ric Flair destroying all humans 2.
Here are “The Carters” from “The House of Carter.” Either could pass for Spirit Squad members. Here’s THE HOUSE OF SPIRIT. JR claims they have had “rough sledding.” They should get some tips from Chad. Or possibly Yuuichirou. Yuuichirou? That can’t be right, but that’s what Google likes. The Spirit Scouts have issued an open non-title challenge, and it is met by THE BROOKLYN BRAWLERS. Sign: “Cryme Tyme Stole My Sign.” And then gave it back to you, apparently. Or maybe this is a different sign. One of the Cryme Tymers has a flack jacket. Shades of Bull Buchanan. Their names are apparently JTG and Shad, but when JR tries to say “JTG” he ends up sounding suspiciously like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. JTG starts with whoever. Hiptoss by JTG after some running around. Dropkick by JTG. He wrings the arm (SHADES OF TATANKA) and tags in Shad, who does a running shoulderblock. Tag to JTG. SHADES OF THE FBI. They really are from da neighbahood. Shad wrings the arm so JTG can jump over his head and crotch attack the arm. He mocks the Spirit Squaddie’s pain. Lawler makes jokes about how Black people are criminals, but in this case it is their gimmick so I can’t exactly get angry. JTG misses some clothesliny thing, the Spirit Squad get a blind tag, and some other Spirit Squaddie bulldogs JTG. Standing ninja chokeout, but he breaks it to clubber. Tag to another Squaddie for a doubleteam suplex. Cover for 2. Ninja chokeout. JTG powers out, but gets clubbered. Tag to another Squaddie, and they try a doubleteam suplex, but JTG lands on his feet and does a double neckbreaker. That was nice. Tag to Shad, who does shoulderblocks and punches. Exclusively. He yells “BOOM!” with each one. Later he gets a back body drop and a flapjack, but then he big boots and yells “BOOM!” Shades of Lex Luger with that special “yell when you hit a move” technique. The cover is broken up. Both Squaddies send Shad into the ropes, but he ducks whatever and double clotheslines them. Some illegal Squad Dude is up top, but JTG pushes him down into the others. One Squad member argues with another as Cryme Tyme set up their finisher. Basically, Shad lifts the guy for a Samoan Drop, but holds him there while JTG runs around in a circle and then does a sort of jumping neckbreaker/blockbuster sort of move while Shad Samoan Drops them. It looks neat, but wouldn’t really hurt anymore than a Samoan Drop without all the extra curricular activities. Hey, remember when the Highlanders beat the Spirit Squad non-title? Just look at them now.
JR: “Well you talk about coming out!”
Commercials. Little girls singing dramatic chanty music about…some UFC thing.
During the break, Kenny broke up with the Spirit Squad. Seriously, we get delayed video of him shoving them and flipping out and leaving. Live TV is for cock jokes, not plot points. Isn’t Kenny the one HHH likes? Anyway, the highlight is when someone, I can’t tell who, yells “I HATE YOU” exactly like Anakin at the end of Revenge of the Sith. “Mickey, you were supposed to destroy the Sith, not to join them!”
COMMISSIONER COACHMAN’S SEX-A-TARY is Todd Grisham. He introduces the team of QUICK, PUT YOUR HEAD UP MY ASS SO NO ONE CAN SEE IT and DON’T YOU MEAN IN FRONT OF YOUR ASS? Melina is looking fine. The lighting is hiding any goofy white stripes in her hair. Todd says they have a secret Hollywood secret Giovanne mystery secret guest. Melina says yes, but doesn’t say who it is. Nitro tries to talk, but that’s always a mistake.
The Marine. Little girl: “You’re crazy if you don’t go.” *Starts wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes.*
MY NEW THEME SONG MEANS I AM NO LONGER UNDER INVESTIGATION BY BRITISH AUTHORITIES offers BEHOLD THE CHAMPION THE CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS and RESIDES ON SMACKDOWN the use of his room. Even the fruit plate! Booker: “Thank you, squire.” Hahahaha. PYSANT TYME invades and rudely steal fruit while engaging a confused Coachman in a complicated urban handshake. JTG or possibly Shad: “Quizeen! It’s the Queen Bee!” What, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley? One of them hugs Booker and appears to pick his pocket. They claim they saw rings just like his at the flea market. “King Beezee, Queen Shezee, Coacheese!” Haha, Cochise. Coachman had to steal a big pile of purple hats before he was allowed to join RAW. If you aren’t Super Asia you won’t get it so don’t worry about it. Coachman: “Did you understand…a thing?” Booker: “I DON’T SPEAK EBONICS!” Now Booker realizes he’s had his pocket picked. Booker: “OH HELL NO! I THINK I JUST GOT BOOKED! (Bugged? Bilked? Bummed?) YOU BETTER GET THEY BLACK ASSES BACK IN HERE COACHMAN! YOU BETTER CALL THE PO-LICE OR SOMETHIN’! OH HELL NO!”
Commercials. Destroy All Humans 2? Didn’t you destroy them all last time? What was with that alien posing in front of the big “Mission Accomplished” banner?
I NEVER DID STEROIDS I LOST ALL THAT MUSCLE BECAUSE…I’VE BEEN SICK is already in the ring. Here comes I BELIEVE YOU BUT MANY HAVE QUESTIONED MY SANITY OVER THE YEARS. Super Crazy and Chris Masters? Oh, it’s a Fatal 4-Way for the IC Title (he says, as though that makes more sense.) I WOULD RATHER HAVE BEEN IN TONIGHT’S WACKY BLACKIES SKETCH THAN IN THE MATCH is also here, but it’s obvious that SEE U IN THE FUTURE UNLESS YOU ARE JOHN CENA THEN I CAN’T SEE U SORRY is going to win so who cares? This is about as meaningful as an X-Division tag match. I’m about as interested in this as I would be in one of those, too. And like one of those, I like about half of the guys in this when they’re doing something else. Supes fights Shelton while Jeff fights Masters, so the good and the shitty are now separated. Like a turd full of diamonds and then put in a centrifuge. That makes no sense. Supes ranas Shelton outside, where they brawl. Masters does a clothesline and some boot choking on Hardy. Suplex. Lawler tells us Jeff has been “red hot” (pink hot) as of late, even though he fucking lost last week. The not shitty guys come back into the ring just in time to watch Jeff avoid a clothesline to take over on Masters. JR talks about how the reigning champion has no advantage as the first man to score a fall gets the title, and indeed, I fucking hated these matches in Career Mode on whichever Smackdown game had a lot of them. You tended to lose the IC Title to something gay like being right in the middle of giving your finisher to Road Dogg when across the ring Billy Gunn submits to a headlock by X-Pac. Hardy goes up for the counting punchalong on Masters, but Supes grabs his legs out from under him and chucks him over the top to the floor. JR: “Jeff Hardy crashing and burning!” Again, shades of your muppet. Now Super Crazy goes up top, and Shelton fucking jumps over Chris Masters to land on the top rope in position to superplex Super Crazy (super crazy plex,) but Masters sneaks in under Shelton and powerbombs him as Shelton superplexes Super Crazy. Masters covers Shelton for 2. Masters’ look of shock that that didn’t get three is pricelessly retarded. And covering again, but Jeff breaks it up.
Commercials. Zombies are characters, says USA. I recently found out the actual line from “The Pirate Planet” is “Evil zombies? Terrible powers?” I feel horrible about this mistake, I really do.
We’re back, and Masters is blocking a suplex. He gets his own delayed vertical for 2. Shelton tosses Masters, then covers Hardy. JR: “Shelton desperately wants to beat Hardy!” Where’s HHH with his gay jokes? Shelton…wants a powerbomb? He gets sort of sunset flipped instead for 2. Jeff dropkicks Shelton out, but Masters is back with clubbering. Masters misses a corner charge. Twist of Nipples, but Masters shoves him off, right into a fancykick from Shelton. Jeff ends up on the floor as Masters and Shelton clubber each other. Super Crazy returns from the dead with a missile dropkick on Shelton, and then some fancy bandito roll-ups on Masters. Supes screams goofily and wins over the crowd. He goes for Misterio’s patented ubercontrived bulldog, but it sets him up perfectly to be countered into the Masterlock. Shelton reappears to springboard into a blockbuster on Masters. Someone covers someone right in the ropes. Here’s a replay of the springboard blockbuster, which was pretty sweet. Some really contrived bullshit sees Shelton and Masters in the corner with Super Crazy kneeling before them, so Jeff stops being dead and gives them Faggotry in Motion. Fancy spinnidy kick for Supes. Clothesline for Masters. Cryme in the Tyme for Shelton, and Super Crazy breaks up the cover. Jeff dropkicks Shelton out, then back body drops Super Crazy onto him. Kick, wham, Twist of Fate for Masters. Swantonbomb actually hits this week. 1, 2, 3. Sign: “JEFF HARDY ROCKS.” If you’re a good boy, Jeff might let you touch them. Does that make Matt Hardy Beans?
Booker is yelling at some cops. Wooden, Emotionless Cop: “Sir can you describe ‘em?” Booker: “Describe ‘em? Jeans…corn rows…the Hell, they all look alike to me!” Haha. The crowd “ohh”s that. IT’S HARD FOR A MAN MY SIZE TO FIND DECENT CLOTHES is wearing a horrible shirt. Are those palm trees or kanji? BRASH, CONFIDENT, AND COCKSURE is our general manager of everything. He sees two of his champions, but cannot make an announcement without all three being present. Jonathan “No Nickname” Coachman is dispatched to find Cena. I hope that when he comes across Cena, he is able to see him.
Commercials. Who is this Hulk Hogan chap and why would I want to buy a DVD about him?
Cyber Sunday promo. The only way for any champion to survive the Cyber onslaught is to use his gold belt to suffocate the Cybermen’s ventilator units.
FINALLY, THE MN/NM, HAVE COME BACK, TO HOLLYWOOD are here. How long is Melina going to dry-hump the apron before she does her “stick your head up my ass Nitro” splits? Not that I’m complaining, so much. Lawler: “I tried to impress her earlier, I told her I have an agent.” Pause. “He works for State Farm.” I was thinking parole agent, or perhaps some officers from Children’s Services keep an eye on him. Our hot Hollywood heels introduce their special guest, “an A-lister.” An actor and rapper. It’s PLZ JOYNE MY WWE K-FED WE NEED PEEPLE. It’s Kevin Federline. Lawler: “He’s married to Brittany Spears!” Ross: “I’m aware of that! I’m somewhat familiar with pop culture!” Well I appreciate the exposition Lawler, because I had no clue who this douche is. All I know for sure if he isn’t a character from Doctor Who or Sailor Moon. He’s getting booed pretty hard. He gives the crowd the thumbs down. I can’t wait for him to say something heel, then go “HOW BOUT IT!?” K-Fed: “It’s real good to be here…actually it ain’t so good to be here!” HEEEEEEEEEEL! Nitro tries to speak, and K-Fed steps all over his lines. I thought they were friends! K-Fed (on the crowd, not Nitro and Melina:) “I think you’re a bunch of LA *long pause* superficial (pronounced “super fish-o”) *long pause* posers!” Nitro: “OH SNAP!” Melina: “That’s right! Oh, my God! Kevin…now that, that was so profound!” Hahaha, fanfuckingtastic. I love these guys for some reason. Melina asks him to debut a new song off his album, and the fans are booing like fucking crazy. K-Fed pretends he’s going to rap, but then heelishly says the crowd has to wait until his album hits stores on Halloween. What a cruel trick. That weirdo in every neighborhood who puts razor blades in candies can just give out K-Fed’s album now. HOLY SHIT IT’S LIKE I’M LOOKING IN A MIRROR invades. Cena: “Now I can’t have you waltz down here and promise some kind of elaborate hip-hop performance and then waltz out!” Oh shit, don’t rap. Cena: “You know what, I ain’t done this in a long time, and I may be a little bit rusty…” No, come on. Federline: “Nobody wants to hear you!” Yes. Let the carnage begin. Cena: “The albums called ‘Playing with Fire,’ hold on, I got a better line, let’s call it, ‘The World’s Biggest Scumbag!’” Lawler: “What?” Me: “Yeah.” Cena: “It’s Kevin Federline!” Oh, line, Federline, that’s a good one. Cena: “The only reason people know you is cause your fame and fortune’s built in, he’s got like John Cena street cred, and less talent than Paris Hilton.” He’s not even trying for a cadence. Cena: “You wanna, you wanna knock on these people K-Fed you must be dreamin’! You see they hang with a Marine, you’re with a dude who likes seamen. You mad Johnny Nitro, you ain’t got the nuts to hit me. And if K-Fed wasn’t around, I’d be spearin’ Brittany.” Yes, you are as close to being Kevin Federline as you can be without being him. Lawler: “Pretty good for a little impromptu…” Yeah, which is why it’s sad this was pre-scripted and still that shitty. Nitro attacks, but Cena tosses him. I PREFER BATTLE WRAPS ESPECIALLY THE COMBO THAT COMES WITH A COOKIE comes out, followed shortly by WE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT IT WAS IN EBONICS. MNF or MNK or whatever have departed for the Farplane. Even Yuna’s singing is preferable to Battleraps. Maybe. I LIKE SEAMEN, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO OWN ROOSTERS comes out now for his big exciting stupid announcement. He says having all three champions in the ring is special, even though it happens on EVERY RAW NOW. I guess the fact that no one slums on Smackdown or ECW makes this special. Vince decides one of the three champions must defend his title at Cyber Taboo, and the fans will decide who. Vince: “All you have to do is to log on to WV.com (!?!?!?) and cast your vote and by the way, voting begins right now!” He got our url wrong, but I still appreciate the shout-out. Lawler quickly finds an excuse to say the address correctly. Go to WV.com and vote for the new mayor of Smacktown. You’re such a fucking retard, McMahon. Everyone except Cena leaves, because he hasn’t F-Ued anyone yet. Cena puts on a diaphanous white blouse and waves a little wand and summons K-Fed back in the ring. Cena talks about how K-Fed thinks everyone copies him so however he votes is how everyone will vote. So, Cena asks, who do you want to see defend their title? K-Fed wants Cena to defend, and Cena acts shocked (not comic fake shocked, but shocked.) Cena asks why, and K-Fed says he wants to see Cena get his ass beat. Shock. Here’s an F-U. I don’t care enough about Brittany Spears to care about her cousband, but I guess anyone who says “super fish-o” deserved to get hit with a shitty copy of Brok’s finisher. Oh hey, I totally missed K-Fed’s Yankees hat, no wonder he’s a heel.
Commercials. This new steel cage store at Toys R Us has a catapult on top? Well sure, I can see how…HUH?
Here’s some guys from Jackass 2 in the crowd. Wait, none of those guys are Sonjay Dutt! JR: “Steve O is fearless!” Super Steve O.
I SAW AL SNOW THREATENING SOMEONE BUT COOLER HEAD PREVAILED is so unfunny and I am so sorry. It’s Carlito. His opponent is THE CON-WAY OF CUTTING A PROMO IS DURING AN AD BREAK, who apparently cut a promo during the break about how he’s never won a match ever and that sucks for him. Oh, he complained he’s never on TV. Well, yeah, ok. Conway sneak attax. He clubbers a lot, but Carlito chops back. Carlito whips him into the ropes and dropkicks him. JR talks about Trish Stratus. Conway reverses a whip, so Carlito ducks whatever and gets a springboard back elbow. I guess Carlito is never getting a win from Randy Orton then, huh? Carlito with a kneelift, and Conway sells it all weird, and I can’t tell if it’s meant to have hit or not because Carlito just looks confused for a second and then does a clothesline since Conway never went down. Well, he never went down from the kneelift I mean; he’s obviously gone down on many, many girls. JR: “Southpaw.” Carlito misses a corner charge and gets rolled up for 2. Carlito catches a kick, spins Conway around, and hits the Not Impressive/Arch Deluxe for 3. Well, that was quick. Apple spitting. You should have spit SQUASH HAHAHAHA *dies.* JR: “And you know what Carlito says, he spits in the face of people who are not cool.” Pause. Theme music: “I spit in the face, of people, who don’t want to be cool.” JR: “See there?” Lawler: “That’s what he said.” I found that way too amusing.
SUPER FISH-O and FISHWIFE meet COCK MCCOCK in the hall. Vince sets up DX vs Fake DX at Cyberman Sunday. Edge butters Vince up, and suggests maybe a special ref should be inserted (like a cock) into the Cyber Match. Special guest referee: The Emperor Dalek.
I’d say the Emo Dalek but he’d stop to question why he’s counting before he ever got to 3.
Commercials. This ad for “Hogan Knows Best” features someone yelling “NOOOOOOOOOO!” which is quite apropos.
This Week in WWE History, Superfly Snuka did that thing that he did that wasn’t being hit with a cocoanut.
MR. TG is apparently WWE’s Jerry Lynn because he introduces VARIOUS JACKASSES. It’s two guys from Jackass. One of them: “We came here to do two things, kick some ass, and whoop some butt!” And they’re all out of chewing gum. The other guy: “Someone’s going to Hell a little bit early tonight!” Taker is too tired to stay up this late. Todd: “You dropped your lighter when you dove in by the way.” Lawler laughs at whatever rambling bullshit these guys say. I DO NOT LIKE YOUR BURRO DOS MOVIE invades. “Everybody listen………..to me!” Estrada doesn’t think they’re really that crazy. Steve O, or possibly the not Steve O one, says they will do ANYTHING. Estrada: “Since you’re willing to do anything, I have a friend, that I’d like for Jew (OMG SAMOAN NAZI) to meet. And his name, is the SAMOAN BULLDOZER, UUUUUMAGA!” Cole, somewhere: “Oh my!” FAR MORE DANGEROUS THAN A FAT CHICK WITH A PONYTAIL JUMPING ON YOU is out. The Jackasses take off their shirts. Sabin, Lethal, Dutt, and whoever must be bawling their eyes out right now. Or stoned. Rumor has it WWE tinkered with the audio at this point because the jackass dudes got booed here, but TNA this ain’t and the crowd appears to be on their side. One of them does a backflip off the turnbuckle, huzzah. I wish the WWE would just forget wrestling matches pitting wrestlers against wrestlers and do this crossover thing all the time. Next week on Smackdown, a UPN special in which Kane chokeslams Chris of Everybody Hates Chris before The Miz squeaks out a close-fought roll-up victory over Veronica Mars. The jackasses try to do something, but Umaga Alabama (Samoa?) Slams him. He hoists up the other one for a Samoan Drop, kicks the first one, and finishes the move. Umaga’s music plays, because he is THE NEW WINNER OF WHATEVER THAT WAS. Maybe this is all leading to an X-Division invasion angle. JR calls the jackass guys “eclectic,” and I’m pretty sure he thinks it means something different from what it really means. Then again, I was a fool to question him on the meaning of Whysper in the Wynd. The jackass guys recover and laugh at each other, so Umaga comes back and kicks some. Going up…top rope fatty splash. Umaga screams like a girl. JR: “You talk about being run over by a bull, how ‘bout a Samoan bulldozer!” HOW BOUT IT!? He picks up the more recognizable one and sort of spikes him onto the mat again. I mean, Umaga does that, not JR.
Backstage, Maria shadow boxes. And probably hopes she doesn’t injure her shadow.
Commercials. An ad for the ECW show I already saw. It’s honest in that it doesn’t really make ECW sound that good.
Marine stuff. I’m surprised T-1000 hasn’t appeared on RAW to cost Cena a meaningless tag match.
Three 6 Mafia, famed for their Oscar and their song about Mark Henry wanting a sandwich, are here. They wear impossibly retarded shiny fronts on their teeth. Lawler: “There’s some serious bling! In the grill!”
ROBERT GARCIA’S SISTER isn’t important enough to justify a better nickname. She introduces a last chance bra and panties battle royal, the winner of which gets back into the already awful women’s title tournament. This cheapens the women’s title and horrifies The Cubs Fan. I picture him staring at some internal vision only he sees and whispering “the horror, the horror.” Which is funny because I still picture him as Mr. Met picking up Jaseon’s litter with a foppish bumbershoot. First out is I JUST REGISTERED WV.COM SO PAY UP VINCE. JR: “I just decided I really like cheese.” Next out is MARIA CONCHITA BANANA. That nickname would be hilarious if a British person said it aloud. H-O-L-D S-T-I-L-L I A-M I-N S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N has super slow evil music, as she has had for forever now. There’s a scene near the end of The War Games where some heel trick pulled by the Time Lords has the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe running in slow motion with their voices slowed down. It’s actually pretty effective, but then in the next shot it’s all in regular motion and the three unfortunate performers have to “act” in slow motion and it’s just awful. So now Victoria’s music makes me picture her struggling to overcome the Time Lord’s power and open the TARDIS door. Thought you’d wanna know. Out last I believe is I’D GET INVOLVED IN A STORYLINE BUT I’M ALL OUT OF DAD’S TO HAVE KILLED. How long has Torrie had those pearls in her stupidtron video? Eh. JR: “I like Wisconsin cheese, I like Idaho potatoes.” Candice and Maria fight while Victoria goes after Torrie. Lawler: “Bra and panties, bra and panties!” Torrie gets a decent rana, but Victoria comes back with that nifty whirling sideslam that probably had a name at one point but I just don’t know anymore. Candice ends up fighting Victoria. Decent but ludicrously over involved flippity lucha armdrag by Candice. Torrie strips Victoria’s pants as Candice holds Victoria down. Now…Victoria is gone for some reason, and Candice does her stupid “turn around slowly” dance, so Maria takes off Torrie’s top or bottom, whichever one wasn’t already off, and wins. There goes all the speculation that me and about four other people on Earth were doing as to who would take the last mysterious slot in the tourney.
Previously, on Smackdown, the same guys fought who always fight on that show. Still, it’s got more guys than ECW.
Commercials. Saw III. Veni, vidi, vidi, vidi, vici.
Jesus Christ I’m clever.
Eric Bischoff doesn’t get a nickname.
ARE YOU READY (FOR COCK JOKES?) are here, though of course only Triple H is wrestling. Come to think of it, what does HBK even do in DX now? DX could be Triple H and anybody. Clean Chyna up and let her look stupid while Trips says cock. We get the full DX intro, even though we already got subjected to a mock version of almost the entire thing earlier. Triple H: “For the thousands in attendance, for the millions watching at home, and for Randy Orton.” Lawler: “Uh-oh!” Die. Triple H says Randy is gay and will lose tonight. Then he declares his intention to get ready to suck it, which makes the whole calling someone else gay thing a little…empty. THE TOP ATHLETIC PERSON WRESTLER MAN ON THIS SHOW (w/THE TOP ATHLETIC AQUATIC WRESTLER FISH ON THIS SHOW) arrive. Edge does Outsideresque “you the man” pointings while Randy does his normal melodramatic douche pose. Edge distracts Trips, so Orton can jump him. Trips sent into the corner, but he comes back out with a clothesline. Charging into an elbow, but then Orton charges into being tossed out on the floor. The first man to stop charging around like a fucking retard will win. Orton sells his knee. Let’s go to break four seconds into the match.
Commercials. Evil zombies? Terrible powers?
We’re back, and Trips is suplexing Orton. Crotch-chop, kneedrop. JR: “The handsome features of Orton!” Why don’t you marry the guy? Trips stops to stand around. JUPITER AND STUPIDER RHYMING…IT SIMPLY CAN’T BE COINCIDENCE is Lita, who is looking especially slutty tonight. Trips looks at her, and is thus tossed over the top to the floor. This would be a Dairy Queen in ancient WCW. Edge DDTs HHH on the floor. The referee was too busy staring lustfully at HBK to notice. Both legal men are back in, and Orton does a kneedrop. Standing around trying to look evil. Stomps. Neckbreaker. Cover for 2. Orton goes for the can-opener neck crank. The crowd tells him he sucks. Hunter powers out. Punches. Clubbering. Trips sent to the ropes and powerslammed. Here are some covers for 2 each. JR: “Absolutely relentless on those covers!” How about under the covers, eh? Sexy. The two Evolution dipshits punch each other. Triple H wins that. JR: “All right hands!” All white meat. High Knee by Triple “High Knee” H. JR says everyone involved in this match is a former WWE champion. Even Lita and the ref. Randy thumbs Hunter in the eye, but then sends him into the ropes and Papa Shangos so he can be hit with the dreaded facebuster on the knee. Looking for the Pedigree, but Edge exists, so Trips wanders around like an idiot until Orton can get the RKB. Stalking Trips for the RKO, but Trips pushes him off and catches him with the Double A spinebuster. Lita distracts the ref with her ladyness so Edge can low blow Trips. HBK attax Edge, but Lita gives Randy a chair. Orton goes for that classic move: “holding a chair over your head and walking slowly for a million years waiting for someone to stop you,” and sure enough HBK sneaks in somehow and low blows Orton. Triple H has the chair, and kills Orton. The ref turns around and sees Triple H going for a cover. 1, 2, 3. Gee, this new all-star heel alliance sure is a threat to DX. I think even Cade and Murdoch got to leave them laying backstage once before doing their first in-ring job.
Final Thoughts: I don’t really care about Kevin Federline, who was apparently the shining highlight of this show, but I found his Pete Roseque heel act pretty hilarious so that was all right. Still, good God is DX ever horrible.
