It isn't a Gundam head, it's a Gundam pilot's head.
I got like four new old (erm) Doctor Whos (Who's? Whose?) on tape since last I rebeaked, but I don’t have time to talk about them now. Please try to hide your disappointment. One of them was Kinda, which was pretty hilarious, actually.
Also, Super Asia was here for one of the approximately three sessions it took me to do this, which is why he appears and then disappears without explanation later.
New RAW music. It sucks.
Ok, our RAW announcers are I WILL SPEND THIS FAMILY REUNION COOKING BARBEQUE FOR MY LOVED ONES and I WILL SPEND THIS FAMILY REUNION MOLESTING MY VARIOUS NIECES. For some reason I really wanted to make some sort of “Jake and the Fatman” joke here, but both guys are fat and neither is named Jake. But it did make me imagine a futuristic detective series starring Jake Sisko and Morn. The RAW guys segue over to MY COW-THEMED LIMO GOES *PULLS STRING ON COLE’S BACK* and MOO! MOOOOO! Tonight’s show will serve as a sad reminder that Cole and JBL really smoke the other two announce teams. Finally, THE TERRORS OF TINYTOWN inform us that they are the most extreme announce team here. Once the announcers have established their existences, it’s time for DJ LIGHT JAZZY JEFF to come out. He tells us this is the eight-hundred-billionth episode of RAW, thanks the fans, and teases leaving, but then he stays. Boo. “The champ is still here” prompts an invasion by THE FRESH KING (w/I USE ZEST SOAP TO KEEP THE ROYAL PENIS FRESH AND CLEAN.) You remember that scene from “Coming to America,” right? That’s my excuse to talk about cleaning Booker’s penis whenever possible. King Bookah: “Correction, peasant. A champ, but not the champ. Champion of champions resides on Smackdown!” All your base are belong to Smackdown. It’s a secret to everybody. Booker: “Needeth proof?” He refers to RAW as a “lowly, lowly, cable program,” which is awesome. Cena does some unfunny Cockney chimneysweep act to mock the King. They make like they’re going to fight. Lawler: “That scepter might get shoved where the sun don’t shine!” Cole: “Yeah, by King Booker to Cena!” JBL: “Yeah!” I know you are, but what am I? Before fisticuffs can commence, CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS RESIDES AT KRISPY KREME invades. It still makes me sad to hear Tazz and Joey Styles shilling for Big Show. JBL: “King Booker is a king!” Show: “You got a white guy who talks like he’s black.” Cena: “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” Sigh. Hahaha, originally I hade Cole saying that. Show: “You got a black guy who talks like Prince Charles.” Book: “I beg your pardon!?” Show: “There’s only one guy here who is what he says he is.” Cena: “Oh, you’re wrong, you have never referred to yourself as the Michelin Man.” Show: “All right, get smart. You’ve got a bull’s-eye on your cap, you feel me?” Somehow, Big Show saying “you feel me” is unintentionally hilarious. Then he disses the memory of Andre. Big Show mocks “The Marine,” and takes credit for the success of “The Water Boy.” I was hoping he’d mention “Jingle All The Way.” Show: “Every scene that I did in The Water Boy, I did in one take. That’s what kind of professional I am, one take.” Booker: “You were in that thing all of forty-two seconds. I have taken morning constitutionals longer than that.” Booker tries tell us his performance in “Ready to Rumble” made it greatest movie of all time, which was pretty funny before Cena and Big Show ruin the joke with fake laughing, DX-style. Show calls Booker “Dog,” do you feel him? It finally occurs to Cena that they should be fighting each other, and a three-way brawl ensues. Show clears the ring, and gets his music played. Lawler says something, and JBL thinks it was Tazz so he says “shut up, midget.”
Backstage, ONE FOR EACH OTHER AND ALL FOR ONE, THE THREE GENERAL MANAGERS ARE WE bicker. Wow, Coach, Teddy Long and Heyman, together at last. It boggles the mind to think that Paul Heyman has the most hair out of all the general managers in wrestling. Since Cornette’s TNA title is Mayor, what with all his in-ring town hall meetings. Coach, to Heyman: “Why don’t you shut up?” Valid question.
Commercials. USA’s psychic dude saves Triple “Grr Heel Not DX At All” H from a sunburn for the eight hundredth time.
We’re back to the baldies. Heyman says Show can’t be beat. Coachman defies Heyman’s unstoppable monster to face the wrath of…Jeff Hardy? Hahaha, seriously, they build it up as a big deal, and then it’s Jeff Hardy. Heyman accepts, but he wants all the champs to wrestle, so he challenges Teddy Long to put King Booker in a match with Rob Van Dam. That’s a bit more like it. Teddy tries to think of a Smackdown opponent for John Cena (Coach suggests Miz, which is cute) and whenever Teddy Long stops to think for a moment before speaking, he always ends up saying “THE UNDERTAKER!” It doesn’t really matter what he’s thinking about. Heyman makes hilariously goofy faces in the background as Coachman frets. Lawler: “I don’t know if Coach is down with that or not!”
Oh, no wonder Cole didn’t go “OH MY!” The next match is RAW-only so his mic is probably cut. Here comes WOULDN’T U LIKE TO BE A MAGA TOO (w/EVERYBODY HAHA LISTEN HAHA TO HAHA ME HAHA!) I don’t remember the last time Estrada got to say anything, which sucks because he seems to connect with the audience better than about 90% of the upper carders. This is a loser leaves RAW match. The last one of those I remember saw Mr. Perfect defeat Ric Flair, which is of course why you never see Ric Flair on RAW. Umaga’s opponent is I HATE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE THAT ONE GUY WHO WORE MY MASK A FEW TIMES AND THEN DISAPPEARED WITHOUT EXPLANATION. Kane’s storylines haven’t exactly been setting the world on fire as of late, har har. I think his best feud of the last year or so was with fucking Gene Snitsky. KANE SET OFF HIS PYRO DURING HIS ENTRANCE OH GOD HE’S LEAVING RAW! He probably is, actually, because the WWE brain trust seems to think Kane could be a success again with a change of scenery while they may have clued into the fact that Umaga will suck wherever he goes. Kane punches. Lawler: “These huge men are monsters.” These huge monsters are men. Kane with a stumblefuck clothesline, but a second one is countered by Umaga’s clothesline. Umaga clubbers. Estrada yells. JR: “This may not be a pretty match! It may more closely resemble a bowling shoe!” Lawler wonders if Umaga was born with tattoos on his face. Umaga clubbers a lot more, but runs into an elbow. Kane slams Umaga’s face into the top turnbuckle. Kane goes up, but Umaga catches him and pitches him to the floor. JR: “Kane crashing and burning!” Shades of your muppet.
Commercials. A completely different Grand Theft Auto clone from the one in the last ad break.
Umaga headbutts some. During the break, Samoan Drop. Umaga runs right into a Goozle, but counters with a belly2belly. Powerful Zombie sit-up by Kane, who kicks a lot. Umaga counters with an STO or something, whatever you call that move. I think Edge used it and called it the “Downward Spiral” during a particularly lame segment of his career. Umaga drops a leg, then goes up top. Air Samoa, connects! He bounces to his feet and squeaks with glee, because even he didn’t think his big fatty splash would work. Looking for the Samoan Brother Runt, but Kane blocks it. Goozle. Lawler’s voice goes all squeaky. Umaga escapes the Goozle somehow, but runs into a sideslam. Kane goes up, and gets his stupid flying clubber/clothesline. Estrada distracts Kane, and hits him with the ridiculous giant cigar I didn’t bother to mention before. Samoan Brother Runt, 1, 2, 3. Kane gets a “Kane” chant from the crowd as he does a slow, dramatic exit. Poor Kane. Maybe Katie Vick’s corpse can offer you some comfort.
Commercials. An “Employee of the Month” ad reminds me that I saw an absolutely painful film review segment on Headline News recently. Some talking head newsmertainment bimbo introduced the show’s “film expert,” who was all hyper and had some kind of Euro accent. The reviewer was really excited and enthusiastic about “The Departed,” and the news bimbo he was talking to seemed really lost. The reviewer is babbling about the great cast (he never mentions that it’s directed by Scorsese) and thinks “it may be the best movie all year!” And she goes, “Wow, all year?” And I’m thinking, “It’s Martin Goddamned Scorsese directing Jack Motherfucking Nicholson and about a billion other top actors, and you’re shocked that it might be the best film in the year it comes out?” And then the icing on the stupidcake comes when she literally interrupts this guy’s praise for The Departed in mid-sentence to say, “Tell me about Jessica Simpson in ‘Employee of the Month.’”
We’re back, and the many, many announcers says a lot of nothing. This reminds me of the WWE/ECW special I sent to Sofa that he never rebeaked. Tsk tsk. Of course, it reminds me of it in that both had way too many announcers being stupid, so it’s not like anyone missed anything in that special. Kane wanders around backstage, his blank face hiding unknown depths of turbulent emotion. LET’S KILL US SOME QUARKS are The Highlanders. In one of the ancient Doctor Who eps I got on video, Jamie the Scottish Highlander Guy and…some other dude manage to use incredibly goofy tactics like rolling boulders downhill to defeat several Quarks, which are meant to be terrifying killer robots (but are instead rather adorable boxlike creatures who appear at all times to be asking for a hug.) Ironically, Quark was also the name of a pseudo-Scottish villain on Danger Mouse. The connections are everywhere, I’m tellin’ ya. And I doubt Jamie would have liked Ferengis much either. So, yeah, the Highlanders show up, and Rory tells Kane that he and Robbie (who says “I’m Robbie!”) respect Kane for the passion he put into everything he did and that the Highlanders are honored to have been on the same show as him. Kane beats the shit out of both of them because The Highlanders’ depush is enough to stun Paul Burchill. Then Kane says something dramatic and telling, but the mic doesn’t catch what it is.
DOPPELGANGER XYLOPHONES have a DX podium set up in some mysterious void. Trips: “This is stupid.” They have to “apologize” to various individuals for what they did last week. Triple H refuses to apologize to the RAW tag team division because there isn’t one. ZING! Then for some reason they pretend they don’t know they’re on TV. If only it were true. Even Lawler barely chuckles.
Commercials. The guy who asks Edge if he feels his toes lies to us about how ECW Extreme Draw One High Card will somehow be Poker.
Our Skittles Fruity Delicious Fruity Fruity Fruity of the Week is Jeff Hardy, oddly enough. How apropos.
FRUITY DELICIOUS FRUITY FRUITY FRUITY is here. Styles: “It’s a family reunion Tazz and I guess that makes Jeff Hardy our crazy cousin!” Cousband. Supes points out that this means Tazz and Styles are related. Tazz: “I’m pullin’, I’m pullin’!” Supes: “See U in Big Show’s stomach.” TIRED OF EATING FOOD PILLS (cause he’s on SciFi, get it?) arrives. Supes: “He’s going to have to do a couple more heel turns before his music gets as slow as he is.” This is also my chance to dust off a joke I always meant to make about how Show should wrestle all his matches on SciFi while dressed as an Orion slave-trader. That old chestnut. Jeff with kicks and punches, but Show fats him down. Ham-hands. Neither Styles nor Tazz talk about kitchen items. Tazz: “I kinda like that, fluorescent Frisbee.” Stepping. Hardy punches some, but there’s just too much fatness. Body slam. Styles: “How can any superstar combat the unlimited power of the Big Show!” Show wants a Vaderbomb, but it misses. Big Show ends up on all four, so Supes calls for Poetry in Motion. Twist of Fate dance, but Show is too fat. He throws Jeff out of the ring, but Jeff essentially ignores this and hops right back up top for what JR actually correctly called Whyspyr in the Wyndy last week. It connects, sort of. Now the Jeffton Bomb, and Jeff’s legs sort of land on Show, but that’s it. Show kicks out. Jeff runs around. Cobra Clutch Backbreaker (Styles calls it the “Big Sleep,” and Supes says that’s a good name for any Show match, hohoho) followed by the Hog Log for 3. Tazz: “That’s how the ECW champ rolls.” Downhill. Like a hog log. VITO AND I SHOULD TEAM UP AS THE NITRO DRAGSTERS attacks Jeff Hardy, as well he should. Show attacks him for some reason. Nitro says the post Cobra Clutch Backbreaker toss thing in a really twirly manner. Tazz: “I’ve got a few in my pocket!” JR: “Cena takes on the awesome Undertaker!” I hope the Awesome Undertaker is better than the regular one. Magical chyron magic makes it look like the four brands of WWE are Raw, Smackdown, ECW and DX.
Commercials. I don’t even give a shit about the X-Men, but Last Stand still made me kind of mad.
WELCOME TO THE RAWNITOBA SMACKIBOBA FAMILY REUNION introduces the concept of a “no dress code” street fight. DX is too hip to be in a Bunkhouse Match, but I think that’s what this actually is. DOCTOR XAVIER (Professor doesn’t start with D) come out dressed like they always are. But only after that really annoying kid can sing “bow to da maaaaaasters.” He sounds like Luther, leader of the Rogues. If (when) they bring back the Master to be the Doctor’s rival in the new Doctor Who series, I think the Master should have a companion, and it should be the DX theme song kid/Luther. I think a lot of stupid things. JR mentions Gamecocks, and shit, this is coming from that school that has gamecocks as a mascot. I sense a thirty hour comedy segment later. Sign: “HHH + HBK = DX.” Yes? And? Triple H asks if we are ready. Then he asks again. Hello, really fat fan in a tie-dye shirt. Triple H claims he and HBK have bought Vince a present, something “he just couldn’t get enough of.” JR: “Uh-oh.” Here’s Cocky the North Carolina Gamecock on the Stupidtron. The Cocktron. HHH: “Look at the size of that cock!” HAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD. HBK starts to say he has something to tell Triple H and Mike says “I used Cocky to satisfy myself” and it’s really dumb and all but he says it in the most somber, serious tone possible and I’m still laughing. JR: “Game! Cocks!” Triple H makes about twenty billion jokes, none of which are funny. Some douchebag dude with dyed hair and an earring really thinks this is funny. Because he’s a student at this university and has never heard jokes about this subject before. SHUT UP TRIPLE H. Jesus, some woman is actually applauding. Ok, I’m not laughing anymore. JR: “All humor aside!” Indeed. LANCE COCK AND TREVOR MURDCOCK are called “The Redneck Wrecking Crew” because Minnesota has been renamed “Redneck.” They are wearing blue jeans and no shirts, and DX is wearing blue jeans and DX shirts, so this is essentially shirts vs skins. Punchings to start. Cade sets himself for a facebuster from…guess who? Cade is sent out. Oh wait, he has a shirt. Now I have no idea who is who. Murdoch Papa Shangos and I guess HBK is trying to sunset flip him and misses but Murdoch sells it by falling on his ass in a fucking fantastic moment of sheer idiots falling over each other beauty. HBK climbs up top and almost falls the fuck over before Cade can even get over to attack. Supes: “Is HBK high?” What Would Jesus Smoke? Now HHH pushes Cade over. HHH slams Cade against some tables. Back in the ring, Murdoch suplexes HBK in. Punches. Murdoch attacks HHH from behind. HHH is whipped, gingerly, into the steps. Cade has a chair, and he and Murdoch go back in. Cade goes for one of those chairshots where you hold the chair over your head for thirty years waiting for the guy to kick you, and HBK kicks him. This match has become laughably bad. Cade with an inverted atomic drop, and Murdoch goes for a “huge boot.” Even better than a big boot. Cade lost his shirt, and when his hair gets mussy it keeps looking like HHH has spontaneously turned on DX. Murdoch sexily removes his belt. Coachman must have issued country whuppin’ orders. Is HBK wearing “EG” armbands? Or is he still mourning Jesus? Let it go, it was 2000 years ago. HHH sucks Cade outside with his shittiness. Murdoch and HBK do stuff. HHH reverses a suplex on the ramp and successfully suplexes his doppelganger. HHH holds a chair aloft for forever. Supes: “There’s no one there to kick him, I don’t understand!” Cade arises and eats a chairshot. Murdoch gets backdropped to the floor in a nasty bump. Cade is busted open. Triple H sets up a table. JR: “I’ve had brains and eggs, but that’s a different kind of entrée right there.” JR the zombie? OH NO THEY HAVE TAKEN THE JR! HBK’s shirt has come off, making it even harder to distinguish between all the jerks with long, dirty-blonde hair. As a general rule, if they’re getting their asses kicked, they’re not DX. HBK goes up top, and the smark in me notes that on a three-brand show, the big table spot goes to DX while ECW was represented by the devastating hog log. HHH puts Murdoch on a table, and HBK does a top rope elbow through it. “Holy shit” chant should be an “ECDub” chant. JR almost says “watch Impact!” Back in the ring, Cade gets the Sweet Shin Music/Pedigree combo. Super Asia: “Degeneration X successfully defeated some tubby guy and their clone.” I for one never thought I’d live to see the day when Cade and Murdoch were defeated in some manner by DX.
Backstage, THE GRISH MAN tries to talk to BOTH OF US SMELL LIKE FISH. Edge is mean to Grisham. “The Cutting Edge” returns tonight because those plastic palm trees are expensive.
No Mercy footage. Kennedy goes for a regular piledriver and Cole screams that it’s the Tombstone. Cole, SHOCKED: “Misterio…CROSSBODY!!!!”
Commercials. Oh good, another GTA clone.
Whooooooooooa new music, whoooooooooooa it really sucks, whooooooooooooa.
JBL: “TEXAS KICKED OKLAHOMA’S ASS, ADMIT!” AM I NOT HUGE AND FAT ENOUGH FOR YOU, CHARLIE HAAS? appears. He’s wearing a really gay shirt this week. JBL: “You didn’t have to try and slit your throat, next time, aim a bit slower!” Lawler: “Slower?” JBL: “Lower, lower!” ADMIT! JBL is talking about seppuku. JR: “It was herpes, I got it from my wife!” While eating her brains, with eggs. This is Shelton’s home town. Shelton: “Well actually Minneapolis is my hometown because I’m embarrassed every time I come here.” Is he wearing an amulet with the Thundercats logo? Shelton challenges anyone in the back to come face him. I half expect Teddy Long to come out here and summon the Undertaker. JR: “Turning his back on his hometown!” Out comes I WOULD NEVER TURN MY BACK ON MY HOMETOWN OF ATLANTA. Lillian Garcia: “Chris BENOIT!” Oh, you’re so confident now that the confusing other Chris is gone. Cole starts squeaking about Benoit’s “sabbatical” because Mark Henry didn’t kill him now. Supes confuses me by making jokes about Benoit spitting up jelly donut jelly, while all I noticed about his injury was the goofy screaming. Benoit chops the everlasting fuck out of Shelton. Knees. Suplex. JBL says his mother isn’t JR’s type and I have no idea as to why. Truly, nobody follows the killer. JR: “There you go.” Benoit with a German, but Shelton grabs the ropes and pulls Benoit into the turnbuckles. JR: “Benoit debuted on RAW as one one of the Radicalz, about 2000 if I remember.” I only remember four Radicalz. Shelton with stomps and clubbers. He sends Benoit into the ropes and gets a Samoan Drop on him. JBL yells about barbeque sauce. JR: “You reckon?” JBL: “I do reckon!” JR: “You mean like JRbarbeque.com?” Cole: “Ok, anyhow.” Later, JBL: “There will be no gratuitous plugs on this show. You ever see me on Fox News?” Lawler: “No, I’ve never seen you on there as a matter of fact.” Sweet Jesus, when Lawler is scorching you, you need to rethink your strategy. Cole: “And I have nothing to plug.” JBL: “That’s what your wife said.” JBL…? Are you proudly proclaiming that your wife is constantly inserting various plugs into you? Benoit with the running Starman chops. Clotheslines. Rolling Germans. JR: “Three Amigos!” Drie Freunde! Air Atlanta…but Shelton evades! Stingar Splash. Shelton wants to Exploder, but Chris slips out and slaps on the crawlspace. JBL: “Nighty night!” What? Shelton taps.
Backstage, Heyman is not feeling Teddy Long. Teddy: “No no no no no. Playa.” Coachman inexplicably trots out CAPTAIN INSANO’S SIDEKICK. Super Crazy. As someone with experience on all three brands (ECW, Velocity, and Heat,) he can settle the question of who is best ever better than anyone. Super Crazy has an adorable baby face. Super Crazy: “Yeah yeah, wait wait. Actually, all three offer drama, action, suspense, three amazing shows for all fans…to enjoy, you know what I mean!” Teddy: “Supes, you speak English?” Super Crazy: “Si!” Cole: “He was on Smackdown for years, I didn’t have a clue he spoke English!” JBL: “I never spoke to him, I didn’t care.” Jindrak used to speak to Super Crazy, but then he lost interest.
Commercials. MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!
In the new WWE Magazine, Jeff Hardy talks about his addictions. Super Asia: “Such as, to being an idiot.” And using Cocky the Gamecock to satisfy himself (said solemnly.)
Let’s look at Cole and JBL for some reason. Cole: “Do not adjust your sets!” Super Asia: “This is my natural hair color.” Later: “Wow, he’s got a normal coat on, but that shirt and tie are from the Don West collection.”
EWWWWW, I THOUGHT I WAS DONE REBEAKING MATCHES WITH CHAVO (w/I’M GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW CHAVO TO PREPARE FOR EXTREME STRIP POKER are here. I try to switch from nicknames which are me talking to ones that are supposed to be the person who got the nickname talking whenever possible. Vicki, though I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in real life, does not have the figure for slutty outfits anymore. I’M OFF TO FORCE YUNA INTO A LOVELESS MARRIAGE is RPG villain William Regal. Cole talks about Regal “falling in a thing of ketchup,” which is apparently a euphemism for showing your dong. His dong was visible at No Mercy, I read somewhere. I have no plans at the moment to go hunting for screen captures. Their partner in this meaningless six-man is I WANNA ROCK RIGHT NOW, MY NAME’S FINLAY AND I CAME TO POSE DOWN. Is that recycled? Eh. Their opponents aren’t getting separate nicknames because I’m in a shitty mood. They are THE TROJAN BADGER. A small (Rey) animal (Batista) made of wood (Lashley.) Cole describes Rey’s title run as “unprobable.” Chavo starts with Rey. Look at these cute little fellers kicking each other. Wow, Chavo tries to give Rey a running powerbomb to the floor (which is a Ligerbomb or Super Thunder Fire Powerbomb or something) but Chavo ends up getting ranaed to the floor. Finlay and Regal come in for a super contrived spot in which Rey ranas both men at the same time, and both men end up in 619 position. JBL: “He’s going for the twelve thirty-eight, the double six one nine!” Our Euroheels evade, and Rey stupidly tries a baseball slide dropkick so Finlay can trap him behind the apron. Haha, tiny Rey completely disappears behind it and all three heels kick the shit out of him until Rey’s friendly gorilla buddies arrive. Everyone fights everyone and Cole notes that this is the manner in which Smackdown does it. Finlay: “I’ll knock yer head off!”
Commercials. I believe the French word for creepy is “crepe.”
During the break, THAT’S HOW I TROLL attacked Rey, but he’s gone now. JBL: “Do you think there’s a litter down there? Does he leave little Leprechaun pellets?” Cole: “A litter of what?” Back to live action, and Chavo is punching Rey. Rey counters by punching. Rey charges into a boot. They do the “Rey gets sunset flipped but rolls through and dropkicks” spot, only Rey kicks Chavo in the back of the head instead. It’s nice to see them mix it up a little, otherwise you could really just film a clip of Rey rolling through a sunset flip and dropkicking into every match. Much like Raye does a a spinny dance and gets magical red shoes the exact same way every time she transforms into Sailor Mars. JBL asks Cole if he wants “the midget” to come back and do commentary, and neither Cole nor I get that he’s talking about Tazz and not the Leprechaun until he explains it. Tag to Batista, but nWo referee Nick Patrick didn’t see it. Chavo tosses Rey out to Finlay for beatings. JBL: “It’s like being on the road away from your wife, it’s all legal if you don’t get caught.” So now you’re letting strange women stick in your butt plugs? I suppose a woman who was into that would probably be considered pretty strange anyway. Rey is sent back in for…well, an immediate ubercontrived bulldog on Chavo. Tag to Batista, who clotheslines and punches everyone on Earth. Both Euroheels get tossed into the corner. Ho Train Attack. He back body drops Regal, then strolling powerslams Finlay onto Regal. Jackhammer for Chavo. The Euroheels break that up, so Lashley does a “double spear” (which is basically him ducking, running, and punching them each in the gut.) Rey gets the tag, goes up top, and gets a flying hurricanrana. 619. Spinebuster by Dave. Dwarf Star Frog Splash by Rey, for 3. JBL questions whether that was classy or not. Cole: “We still have Smackdown to come!” Cole calls JBL “partner.” JBL: “I’m not your damned partner!”
Commercials. Clix. Cocks.
Lillian puts on a diaphanous white blouse and waves around a little wand and summons THE OLD HOTNESSES, Mae and Moolah. They wave. And…we go back to JR and King, who introduce some crap about the Marine. Here’s a marine who sounds remarkably like Harvey Fierstein.
ROYAL T and GOOD ONE, MY LIEGE chat backstage. Book: “I went to Smackethdown!” Lawler: “That guy really thinks he’s king of the world!” Yes, yes he does. Ridiculous, isn’t it Jerry?
BARBARIAN BOOTIES is Melina, who is wearing fuzzy barbarian booties. Apparently she has a match. Johnny Nitro is dead, so she can’t do her entrance (his blocking of our view being essential,) and instead pantomimes that we can kiss her ass. That’s not very nice.
Commercials. I can see how this caveman is still offended by Geico’s ad campaign, but how long can he continue to be surprised by it?
Melina’s opponent, for whatever reason, is JIMMY WANG YANG ATE MY DOG. With bahbahque sauca. Chloe is gone, but that may be because Torrie is a face now, though I’m not sure why she was a heel before. She was a heel at some point in the last year, right? All I know for sure is that small dogs are for heels only. Oh, this is part of the women’s title tourney, ok. For some reason this is a lumberjack match now, as VARIOUS SKANKS who will be playing Extreme Strip Not Poker tomorrow (read: several days ago) on ECW. Trinity is wearing yellow tape for a bra. The GoDaddy bimbo is the hottest, which is why I wish she would never, ever talk so I could pretend she’s capable of stringing together a coherent sentence. Well, Melina and Maria are pretty hot, too, and Melina actually can talk, but those barbarian boots aren’t doing anything for me. Melina gets tossed and the ringside skanks roll her in. Lawler makes jokes about “a few pointers” and goes on to imply that he has several penises. Melina tries to toss Torrie, but Torrie ends up on the apron, where Krystal pushes her butt while yelling angrily. She’s like a hostile KC James. Torrie gets knocked down. She tries to get back in and gets hot-shotted. SMOKIN’ HOT-SHOTTED HAR HAR. Melina does punches and stuff, and covers for 2. Torrie fires back. She does some jumping clotheslines. Torrie with a surprisingly good suplex with a floatover into a cover for 2. Torrie sends Melina into the corner, but runs into a big barbarian boot. Melina with a girly bulldog for 2. Cole and Styles spontaneously invade the previously all-RAW commentary to attack Lawler. Um, verbally. Styles makes some masturbation joke, then says “You don’t mind if I do your own material for ya, do you?” Lawler: “No I don’t mind. That’d be the only time you’d be entertaining.” Styles: *horrible DXesque fake laughing.* JBL: “Get some bass in your voice Styles.” Styles: “Your demographic, Mae and Moolah, loved that one King.” Krystal starts flipping out about nothing in particular on the outside, so Torrie kicks her through the ropes. JBL: “I’ve got a maid that has more manlihood than you, Styles.” Melina rolls Torrie up for the win with a handful of tights at some point to win. Torrie drags Krystal in, throws her into the corner, and gives her the Face Full of Ass. JR: “Bootylicious.” I swear to God, JR said that.
Commercials. Pretend sign-painters enrage Jon Lovitz.
WE WENT TO SMACKETHDOWN have to come out without anyone yelling for us all to hail King Booker. His opponent is A POWERFUL EXTREMIST FROM THE FUTURE OR SOMETHING, DUDE. Cole gets dissed by JBL. You ought to be working together against the other announce teams. You’ll never overcome the Ross/Lawler brain trust like this. Cole, bless his little heart, remembers that these two were tag champions together. Lockup, and Book forces RVD into the corner. Knees and clubbering. Tazz pipes up to compliment Booker on his one night gig in ECW. Cole: “You guys can’t have him.” Tazz: “Well, I didn’t ask for him, I didn’t ask you, who are you anyway?” Booker and RVD evade each others fancykicks as Tazz and JBL bicker. RVD puts Booker in the corner, does shoulderblocks, backflips, and monkey flips Booker. Tazz: “Why don’t you call me a midget again, that’s your only material. Why don’t we talk about these two guys in the ring, instead of getting yourself over Bradshaw, let’s get the guys over, how about that?” RVD Angleizes himself. Booker sends RVD into the ropes and elbows him on the rebound. Cole: “Guys, not to interrupt, but let’s talk about the world’s champion…” Tazz: “Well you are interrupting!” Cole: “The world champion…” JBL: “You are interrupting, hey hey hey!” Cole: “…King Booker, and a kick out at two…” (Actually, RVD kicked out.) Tazz: “You are interrupting!” JBL: “Let me warn you Michael, Tazz knows hand-to-knee combat, don’t let him bring a step ladder over here and jump on ya.” Tazz: “Right right, and that’s coming from a guy who was a gigantic, tall, clumsy, chubby man.” Cole: “The bottom line is Announcing 101 you at least call the covers.” Styles: “Didn’t little old Rey Misterio retire you, JBL? Isn’t that why you’re sitting there now?” JBL: “I was in a world championship match, something you haven’t done. And the only guy in this world Michael Cole can beat up is you Styles, so shut up.” Cole: “Wait a minute, here’s a cover, and a kickout!” Styles: “JBL, that’s the only job your wife didn’t get for ya.” Cole: “I’m beggin’ somebody to at least let me call the near fall. I’m beggin’.” Styles: “You’re the play-by-play guy, go ahead!” Cole: “Well quit interruptin’ me, ya idiot! Here’s the, uh…” Styles: “Well control your pet over there.” Cole: “King…that’s, that’s nice. King Booker, has got that arm slipped underneath the chin of Rob Van Dam…” Tazz: “Bradshaw, I never called you a pet.” Cole: “…as…great point, Tazz!” Hahaha, that was the best Cole line since “Moo!” Ok, I’ve missed a ton of this match, but you don’t really care, do you? Booker and RVD exchange kicks and punches and stuff as JBL calls out bingo numbers. RVD takes over when Booker attempts to bounce RVD’s head off the top turnbuckle, which can never happen, and RVD blocks with sexy, sexy leg flexibility. RVD with some clotheslines, and a fancykick. Booker reverses a whip as JBL and Tazz make nice by complimenting each other’s superstars/extremists. RVD goes up, but Sharmell trips him as Book chats with the ref. RVD stumbles about…scissors kick. 1, 2, 3. King Booker is, as always, the master of having his hand raised in victory as he makes goofy “what just happened?” eyes. Tazz: “That sucked, I hated that, I hated the way that thing finished, that sucked.”
Commercials. Brian Pillman DVD. JR: “Even though the coroner said he had a heart attack, I’ve often believed that Brian Pillman died of a broken heart.” Quit stealing lines from Futurama, Ross.
CRYME TYME GETS AN EXTRA BOOST OF CONFIDENCE, FROM ENZYTE! video. Nizzles, swoll, beau/boo. They work out by sexing a bimbo, sort of. “Cryme Tyme will be bringing the hood, to you!” And I didn’t get them anything!
MITCH MORE LIKE BITCH HAHAHA tells us he sucks. Really, he does, in a really annoying voice. But then he says that ends tonight when he beats Ric Flair. Why is Ric Flair in some interminable feud with the Spirit Squad? Is this like a best of five Marquis of Queensbury Cup thing? Now the disturbing and inexplicably tight close-up of the jobber ends as we see the whole Spirit Squad, who woo. Mitch basically flat-out told us he’s going to win because his four friends are going to cheat for him. And Ric Flair doesn’t have any friends because they’re all dead or something.
The General Managers (is Coachman really a General Manager now?) continue to bicker when MR. COACHMAN, WHO ARE THESE STRANGERS IN MY OFFICE? arrives. Vince “Apparently I’m Quite Fond Of Cock” McMahon. He pretends he’s angry, but it’s all a swerve as he smiles and shakes everyone’s hands. Coachman sucks up. Vince says all three of these guys are his illegitimate children. Coachman steals credit for tonight’s main event. Vince sets up a match for Cyber Taboo SunTuesday. Sun Tzusday. Vince leaves, while all three GMs act stunned by this incredibly obvious continuation of the events from that opening promo.
Commercials. Here’s an ad for that X-Box game where you’re trapped in a mall full of zombies. Due to a specific moment from “The Pirate Planet,” I now cannot hear the word “zombie” without picturing Tom Baker saying “powerful zombies” in his most sarcastic voice.
I do not care about “The Marine.”
SURELY WE WILL DEFEAT RIC FLAIR THIS TIME are assembled in the ring. Lawler: “These guys have been to the movies! They usually sit in the third row!” He…delivered it like it was a joke, but apparently it went right over my head. IF THIS IS A FAMILY REUNION THEN I AM THE CRAZY GRANDPA (w/RAYE and CHAD.) Actually, Ric Flair doesn’t have anyone with him BUTWAIT he puts on a diaphanous white blouse and waves a little wand and starts summoning cameo guest stars! First up is OCH DOCTOR CAN YA NOT CONVINCE ZOE TO WEAR SOME LESS RETARDED CLOTHES? is “Rowdy” “Roddy” “Piper.” All Scottish people are Jamie now. Sorry. But Roddy is only useful if someone needs to get killed by Khali, so Ric also summons HOLY SHIT IT’S MONEY MOTHERFUCKIN’ INC SON. This makes no sense but I’m marking the fuck out anyway. And the crowd is totally cheering for Money Inc, which is wonderful and bizarre. I wish IRS would grab a mic and say “I’m gonna make sure everyone gets a real big tax refund right here in *whatever city this is in*” and get a monster cheap pop. Dibiase had a short and meaningless face run in WCW, but I think Mike Rotunda/Rotundo has been evil for his entire life, even before he wore that comically stupid “WCW in that red circle with a line through it ‘prohibited’ symbol” shirt. Our last cameo guest star is SHADES OF ME. I’m pretty happy, but I think JR just Randy Ortoned himself. Big manly hug for Ric. The old hotnesses scare away the young and busted. Arn pulls his thumb across his throat. His fictional daughter terrorizes foes by pantomiming seppuku. Odd that seppuku came up twice in this thing. JR: “Arn Anderson’s got the glasses off, I’ve seen that on many occasions!” He takes them off to shower and to sleep, I imagine. Ew, I never thought he did those things with JR watching him. Ric and Mitch are alone in the ring. Mitch thumbs Ric in the eye, clotheslines him, stomps, and yells. Choking. Yelling. Ric chops his way back. He clips the leg. He goin’ fo that figah fo. Mitch taps immediately. JR: “He’s not workin’ by the hour!” Of course he is, Walmart greeters aren’t salaried. The legends, all of whom I actually like bar Piper, get in the ring for a big hug. JR: “Brothers of the Robe!” What? Piper and Flair dance.
Edge and Lita wander around backstage. I hate the new RAW music.
Commercials. Extreme Strip Poker dhere. While da fellas battle it out in the ring, da dames ask Edge if he can feel his toes.
RAW is apparently called RAWZONE now, if this chyron is to be believed. Here come the duo of HERPES IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, JR. Edge introduces his very special guest, THE SUCCESS OF THE RAW FAMILY REUNION WILL FAIL. His golden shower pyro lasts for like a million years. He’s wearing suit pants, a suit coat, and a T-shirt, because he’s a douchebag. Edge gropes Lita as he recounts Randy Orton’s storied career. Edge: “You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But since then, you’ve done absolutely nothing.” He Billy Gunned his opportunity. Randy gives us “angry.” Edge claims to have a point, and rolls that beautiful bean footage of Triple H kicking Randy out of Evolution with the first ever thumbs up nonono wait THUMBS DOWN. That was a pretty sweet beat down, actually. It’s about as good as it gets without Sting or Dusty Rhodes being the victim. Now Edge rolls footage of DX costing him the title last week. Edge: “And what did DX do when they came out here earlier, they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I’m a joke, they think you’re a joke, and they’re gonna continue to do that until someone takes a stand. You see Randy, I know you’re not a joke, and I’m not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight, is because I think those people that should take a stand, I think it’s you and me! We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago!” Yes. If only he was talking to Shelton Benjamin or evil Benoit or anyone other than Randy, really. By the way, screw the future. Edge: “So I tell you what Randy, it’s really simple.” It better be, remember who you’re talking to. Edge: “You can get mad at the things, the true things that I said earlier and you can fight me right now, or you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX!” Join me and we can rule the universe as fish and douchebag. The fans chant “RKO,” but no way, this makes too much sense. Randy: “DX, as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I got two words for ya…it’s over!” And…play his music, because he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS THE CUTTING EDGE. Edge is fantastic, he’s actually created a scenario in which I have to root for Randy Orton.
Commercials. Again, Cole: “Misterio…CROSSBODY!!!!”
John Cena is turning into (what do you mean, turning into? [shut up]) a Hogan-level suck up. If Hogan and Cena were to TEAM UP, they would be HUSTLE, UNDERSTANDING, LOYALTY, KINDNESS. JR: “The Marine comes out this Friday, it’s great for the whole family moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas…” Only Raye and Chad won’t see it. She’s probably gonna make him watch some Hugh Grant crap instead. When you think about it, it’s sad that Sidecar Cena has to come to blows (or soupbones) with his old ally. Speak of the Big Red Booger Devil, here comes NO MATTER WHAT SHOW YOU REBEAK I WILL RANDOMLY SHOW UP TO RUIN IT. Actually, there’s a pretty funny moment before Taker shows where Cena is staring nervously at the entryway, and JR says: “Cena’s eyes, focusing on one thing. *insanely long pause as nothing is happening* Awaiting the arrival of…” BONG. My name is little Bongo. That would make a serviceable RVD nickname. As long as we’re celebrating wrestling’s past, I still sometimes chuckle when I think of the time I named vaguely western Taker “A Fistful of Donuts.” JBL: “The Undertaker’s never cared.” Taker takers over with a kick. He sends Cena into the corner and does shoulderblocks as JR talks about shillelaghs. Cena ducks under something and does speedy jobber punches. Taker no-sells and scares the referee. Taker Papa Shangos, so Cena kicks him. Cena runs into a big boot. Here’s a replay of the big boot, which isn’t that impressive. Taker wants Old School, but Cena punches him. Cena wants a superplex, but Taker shoves him off. JR: “The Awesome Undertaker!” No, this seems to be the shitty one. Cena gets back up and superplexes him anyway. Lawler: “He’s gonna have to outquick the Undertaker!” Cena runs into a bearhug, Jaseon’s favorite move. Cena bites to get out. Cena with his flying shoulderblock. Cena goes to signal that you can’t see him, but Taker goozles him from the mat. Looking for the chokeslam, but Cena elbows out. Cena goes to the ropes, but Taker knees him. Taker sends Cena to the ropes, but Papa Shangos again (a shout-out to his fellow spooky retard, perhaps?) and Cena DDTs him. Cover, but Taker kicks out and does a Powerful Zombie Sit-up. Cena wants the Tombstone because he’s an idiot, and Taker reverses, but Cena slips out of that. Trying for the F-U, but Taker gets out and goozles him again. Chokeslam connects. Taker steals Arn throat-cutting thing. JR, in an incredibly croaky voice: “THE WARRIOR OF WARRIORS!” COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAAAAAY! Hurry up and run in, whoever is running in. It’s WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND. Booker and Show appear to be on the same page as they clothesline Taker out of the ring. Taker lands on his feet due to Powerful Zombie power. He turns, and delivers a big boot to KENNDY KENNDY SUX SUX (thank you, horribly ignorant fan’s sign) who was trying to Pearl Harbor him. A date that will live in infamy. Wait, that’s Roosevelt, Kennedy was “Ich bin ein Berliner.” I am a jelly donut. He’s lucky Big Show wasn’t alive yet when he said that. Speaking of Big Show, Taker chases Kennedy away as Big Show pretends to be Booker’s friend but then surprise attax. Booker has to kill himself now; he just got outsmarted by the fucking Big Show. Cena returns to life to put Show in the Step-over Fuck You, but Booker breaks that up as soon as Big Show has had a chance to tap for no reason. Show rolls to the Farplane as Cena F-Us Booker. Play his music, as he is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS REUNION. I like how they wanted to put RAW’s champion over at the end of the special, so they made him take one of Taker’s finisher and be just about to lose, but then he gets to beat Smackdown and ECW’s champions once Taker has safely escaped with his credibility.
Final Thoughts: I refueled my car today and the gas station had a sign for “Hunt Brother’s Pizza.” Evil Jon and Regular Jon.
