MEET THE NEW DOCTOR SAME AS THE OLD DOCTOR: The new Doctor, David Tennant, debuted last Friday opposite Smackdown on SciFi Channel. I’d already seen “The Christmas Invasion” (which was made agonizingly long by SciFi’s policy of putting three minutes of commercials in for every five minutes of show,) and still think it was fun. Though the wacky first half-hour with killer robot Santa Clauses and the Christmas Tree OF DEATH had nothing to do with the last hour. Tennant’s second episode about evil cat nurses also aired. It had some cute jokes and would have been more enjoyable if I hadn’t just sat through an extra-long episode that drained my enthusiasm. But anyway, the new Doctor is much cheerier than Christopher “I watched it happen I MADE IT HAPPEN” Eccleston, but I worry he’s too young to capture the wacky, genial bohemian vibe he seems to want to borrow from Tom Baker. Doctor 4 seemed like an eccentric but charming gentleman of some seasoning, while Doctor 10 is in danger of just coming across as a git.
Anyway, RAW. It’s been awhile. Here’s how the last JG Rawbeak opened (with some explanation about the then current switch to Smackdown omitted:)
SAILOR MOON: impact!beaks and TNAppvbeaks are made funnier for me by the fact that Mideon keeps referring to Bubba Ray as “Raye.” Maybe that really is his name now, I don’t know. But while it would be outside the normal bounds of Scoutly behavior for any of the girls to rip James Storm’s face apart with a cheese grater, if one of them was going to do it, she’d definitely have lots of black hair and resentment for her leader.
Haha, man that takes me back. Back to when the Deadly Boyz hadn’t accomplished shit in TNA but kept insisting they weren’t gonna just sit on their legacy. It’s like a whole different world now.
Unlike Filmcans, who returned to RAW after about a month’s absence and saw that DX was pulling the same retarded prankers on the McMahons every week, I’ve been gone a year and have to admit that yes, the storylines are a little different now. Last time I was rebeaking this show Triple H and HBK were supposedly the most embittered rivals in the history of anything ever. Kirk/Khan, Picard/That One Ferengi Whose Kid He Killed, Doctor/Master, Moon/Mars, Pee-Wee Herman/Muhammad Hassan, none of these rivalries could touch HHH/HBK. And now they’re crotch-chopping/sort of flailing about without chopping the crotch buddies. So I guess what I’m saying is I’m coming at DX from the opposite perspective and it’s still hatefully stupid.
Our main event is Edge/Cena, which is hyped in video packages. A lot.
Our hosts are JAUNTY RETARD and PILEDRIVIN’ THEM UNDERAGE GIRLS ALL DAY. That’s from my “Wake Up To The King” lyrics, which no one else in the entire world remembers. JR: “The Landon Arena is on fire!” You guys had better get out of there! We open the show with DOWNLOAD XENOGEARS. They quit playing Squaresoft RPGs on their illegal emulator to gork their way to the ring. JR: “There’s no escaping DX!” Filmcans seems to have managed it. Hey, their entrance video includes a bridge being blown up. TERRORISTS. Triple H asks for quiet, because he has a very serious question. “Are you ready?” HAHA HE PRETENDED THIS WAS ALL SERIOUS BUT REALLY HE IS BEING JOVIAL. He’s so charming and wacky, and HBK always seems like a little kid at his side. They’re just like Tom Baker and David Tennant, with slightly more crotch-chopping. They say nothing anyone could care about before I’M THE HOMETOWN BOY, KID! invades with his new music which is pretty cool. Coachman always gets the fly tunes. Fly. He creates a spontaneous “Jobber Tornado” match in which DX must face JUNIOR COWBOYS, MEN ON A WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM MISSION, and THE MCCRIMMONS OF MCCRIMMON all at the same time. Cade and Murdoch go in first to brawl, followed by the Highlanders. Both Highlanders are tossed. Haas is in there getting punched. Cade and Murdoch clubber HBK as Viscera finally arrives to clubber HHH. HHH is whipped into the corner. Haas goes to whip Viscera into the corner to fatvalanche him, but Viscera reverses so Haas’ massive bulk is used instead. BRILLIANT STRATEGY. Now Haas holds Trips in the corner so Vis can fatvalanche, but HHH evades and only Haas is fatted. HHH tosses Murdoch, and Cade spontaneously fades away and goes out under the bottom rope. DX doubleteam Vis with clubbers, then double clothesline him. Pause for crotch chopping/aimless flailing, but now the non-Viscera guys are back in. Cade accidentally nails a Highlander. The other Highlander goes after Cade, and it somehow ends up being DX vs Trevor Murdoch. Triple H facebuster…Murdoch wanders around, inverted atomic drop by HBK. JR praises their teamwork. Viscera wanders into kicks, and a doubleteam DDT. Haas eats an actual Double A spinebuster (shades of Arn Anderson,) actually called by JR. HBK goes up for the Macho Elbow. Tuning up the band. Where did everyone else go? It connects, staggering Haas for the Pedigree. Someone, I think Cade, goes through the motions of trying to break up the pinfall, bless him. That took like three minutes, top. Did I just say…no, I should no sully the name of Three Minute Warning. Who…would have fit into this match perfectly, actually. Coach gets on the mic and says he runs the show. Triple H gets a mic and says he and HBK are going to throw Coach out of the building and take over the show. JR: “DX can do anything they want, I think we’re gonna see a high-style takeover!” He meant hostile, but he said high-style. If only DX were HBK and Jannetty. JR: “And can you imagine if DX runs RAW tonight?” Lawler: “Oh-ho, it’ll be great!” I have my doubts.
Commercials. Didn’t DX win a gauntlet match with those same three teams last week? Next week, DX will have their hands tied behind their backs and face those same six guys, who will have guns, in a “First Team To Kill DX Wins” match.
Our RAW Just For Men of the Week is Shelton Benjamin losing because he doesn’t have hair to color.
We’re back with…TOPEKA, CANITOBA in the ring, announcing an IC Title Match! Entering first because tradition blows is JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE, ACTION ADVENTURE PUNK with THE NERDY KID FROM SAVED BY THE BELL. JR: “Maria said she likes 3-way sex!” Lawler: “Maria?” JR: “Melina.” WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS? JR, on Nitro’s robe: “Nitro’s upgraded his roadkill jacket.” Maybe Danny Doring will return as the new second-half of MNM. MND. JR, still on about 3-ways. JR: “She likes two men, and her.” Lawler: “Well let’s see, there’s Johnny Nitro, her, and…” JR: “Oh yeah, go ahead.” Lawler: “What?” JR: “Lay-up.” Lawler: “Does that leave room for a King?” JR: “Yeah, there’s a lay-up, thank you very much JR.” Lawler: “Wow.” His opponent is I’D LOVE A THREE-WAY WITH YOU BUT MELINA MUST BE QUIET AND SHE CAN’T TOUCH ME. Jeff does his goofy poses on the turnbuckle. The match starts with Nitro punching. JR: “Hardy has to be considered at least by most estimations as the number one contender.” This is one of those JR statements where he tacks on “has to be considered” and “most estimations” because even he can’t rationalize why what he’s saying is true. Hardy with some fancy flying clothesline. Illegal double-legdrop to the nuts. Jeff wants a headlock, but Nitro whips him to the corner, Hardy floats out, and ranas Nitro. Jesus Christ, I can never escape the “I Am Going To Twist Your Fate” Dance. Nitro shoves off, but instead of going to the ropes, Jeff just takes two steps and then turns around, so Nitro bails. It’s not that it makes sense for any guy who is shoved even a little to sprint to the ropes and bounce off out of control, but it’s an established rule now. It would be like a guy missing a dropkick and acting like it didn’t hurt just because it shouldn’t have hurt. Hardy jumps off the apron on Nitro. Now he yells at Melina. And…let’s go to a break.
Commercials. USA is doing new “Character Road Trips” during whatever they call their stupid “we do host segments between chunks of a movie you are watching” show.
We’re back, and Nitro has a modified ninja chokeout applied. Wait, no, that’s a full-on ninja chokeout. Here’s a replay of Nitro doing a pretty nifty counter move that I’m not going to describe because it happened during the break, nyar-nyar. Lawler, on Melina: “You’d shave your back for her!” JR: “Yeah right.” I’m not one of those horndog rcappers who spends as much time telling you how aroused I am as I spend telling you what’s happening, but Melina is hot. I’d shave A-Train’s back for her. Once. And she’d have to love me forever, none of this “shave A-Train’s back every day for a week and you get one date” crap. I’m sick of that shit. Hardy and Nitro are punching. Hardy sent to the corner, he tries to come out with a sort of springboard crossbody, but Nitro ducks. JR: “Whisper in the Wind!” No. Nitro covers for 2. Hardy is rammed into the corner, and now Nitro does shoulderblocks and kneelifts to Hardy’s back. Nitro takes pictures with his invisible camera, then baseball slide dropkicks Jeff into the corner. Melina screams. JR: “The Snap-shot there by Johnny Nitro.” Look, stop talking. I guess the angrybeaks are funnier than the happybeaks, but God I hate these two announcers. My heart years for Cole and JBL, and doesn’t dare to dream of Cole and Tazz. Nitro drags Jeff into the ring and covers for 2 again. Nitro is all “I need a finisher,” then does a backbreaker out of a fireman’s carry for 2. JR: “This is not the first championship match of the night!” Um, yes it is. Nitro with a bow-and-arrow as JR talks about the Whisper in the Wind that missed earlier. Jeff squirms out and gets a neat double mule-kick. Jeff starts the comeback. Nitro catches a kick, so Jeff fancykicks him with the other foot. Nitro flees to the apron, but Jeff biels him in. Jeff with…this move where he has Nitro on his back and pulls Nitro’s legs up over Nitro’s head and then Jeff drops down so his legs are hooking Nitro’s legs and it’s (part 2 of) kinda a double legdrop into a cover in the Monkey Magic position. Nitro squeaks out. Jeff goes to the corner, this time getting the fancy corkscrew springboard attack. JR: “This time, the Whisper in the Wind hits!” Am I crazy or was the Whisper in the Wind when Matt would go down on all fours and Jeff would run up and jump off of Matt’s back into their cornered foes’ waiting arms for tender butterfly kisses? I’m a man of little self-confidence if I let JR’s move-calling make me question what moves are called. Anyway, Not The Whisper In The Wind gets 2. Melina pulls Nitro outside, but Jeff baseball slide dropkicks. Now Jeff slowly makes his way onto the rail and runs across it and crossbodies both of them. As always, it looked like he was going to totally fall over. Nitro sent back in, but he drops an elbow on Jeff as Jeff reenters. Melina: “Finish him baby!” She’s a soft-hearted, tender version of Shaniqua. Nitro goes up, Jeff follows, Nitro looks like he wants Splash Mountain but no fucking way. Jeff backdrops him off the top rope. Ascending, Swanton Bomb connects…for 3? Fuck. Our NEW Intergender Champion is Jeff Hardy. Lawler: “Looks like the third time was the charm for that young man!” He got three title shots? Bullshit. Jeff likes bullshit better than he likes cowshit.
DX is outside Coachman’s locked door. Luckily, we have cameras on both sides. HHH pretends to be a room service maid, because they have those at this arena. Coachman: “DX, I know that’s you, there’s no way I’m opening this door!” HBK: “Landshark.” HHH: “Candygram.” J.D. Dunn or somebody praised the “topical references” by DX tonight, and I can only assume he meant this. Hopefully later in the show, Triple H will enter his home smiling happily and then wackily trip over the ottoman! *Zany sitcom noise.* Haha. Um, the Dick Van Dyke Show? I only know it through stupid parodies. Anyway, HHH makes jokes about how Coachman is masturbating in his office, ahchacha. HHH: “Shawn said to tell you that’s a sin.” INSTA-FEUD WITH FAROOQ.
Commercials. A Scarface game brings the Scarface guy back and plants him in Vice City, more or less. That should happen more often. I can’t wait for the Old Yeller video game in which Old Yeller comes back and blows up cars.
I LIKE 3-WAY SEX OR IS THAT SOMEONE ELSE? interviews THE NEW INTERGENDER CHAMPION. Hardy says everyone will be after him. “Even Nitro!” Then Jeff pretends he isn’t gay. I’M A SCREAMER, MONTREAL invades and just screams several times for no reason. Then Jeff covers her mouth, but she fights him off and screams more. It’s supposed to be funny. Which company brought Vince Russo back now?
Coach is on the phone with Vince, who tells him to open the door to DX. I smell a prankers! Everyone knows HHH’s Vince impression that we have to be told is him doing Vince so we’ll recognize it is SPOT ON. Coach walks the halls fearfully. He sees Lillian Garcia and says “hey girls” even though there’s clearly only one girl. That’s how flipped out he is. Fear flip. He sees Triple H in the hallway, and turns around dramatically to see HBK. Coach is seriously acting like they’re going to kill him. I guess I was wrong about DX tricking Coach with a Vince impression, either that or they forgot to reveal it. What the? Now fake Sergio Leone music is playing. There’s tumbleweed at Coach’s feet. One person cannot have a standoff with two people who aren’t next to each other. Coach escapes into the women’s locker room, the entrance to which was on the fourth wall so at least he appeared vaguely cornered when they were doing the stupid spaghetti western spoof. DX comically follows. Various women are in there. Shawn covers his eyes to avoid sin, har har har. How serious can Captain Jesus be if he takes part in a sketch mocking his own monogamy every week? Triple H hits on the various Diva Search jobbers, and they’re all into him because chicks love guys who invade their locker room. Shawn pulls him away. Cock block. H-Block. Now we cut to Coach…somewhere else. He’s back in his office, but now the fat, pasty male stripper Sandman killed on ECW like a month ago is there. And he sexes Coach, who…runs away. Then Coach falls down. That IS funny! Holy shit, I just realized I missed Jimmy Wang Yang’s debut. Ok, so, DX appear, and Coach backs away, and they scare him into running headlong into a truck and knocking himself out. Then they put him in a dumpster. I’ve been constantly expecting this sketch to spontaneously end for about five minutes now. DX convince a friendly garbage man (Duke “The Dumpster” Drose perhaps?) to take out the tiny plastic dumpster, despite the fact that there is obviously someone in it.
Commercials. A local wrestling card’s main event is Jake the Snake vs Kamala.
The Spirit Squad are yelling at each other for some reason. DX come in a make fun of John Laryngitis or whoever that backstage dude the sheet-reading smarks know about is. They tell the Spirit Squad there is a new dress code. This will end stupidly.
JOE’S GONNA KILL US are here. Next week, Umaga vs Kane, loser leaves RAW (to stink up ECW somethin’ fierce.) His opponent, sans introduction, is MEAN WOO BY GAWD GENE SNITSKY. Wow, Heat must be all video packages this week. Umaga and Snitsky shove each other a few times, then Snitsky gets a flying shoulderblock, but he mistakes Estrada for a baby and wanders over there. Then he charges into that big alley-oop into a Samoan Drop thing. Umaga did it, not Estrada. Snitsky positioned in the corner for the face full of Samoan stuff (poi?) Samoan Spike (which is a rip-off of Samoa Joe’s famous Samoan Brother Runt) and it’s over. Took me longer to type than it did to happen.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME MIZ, I’M RIGHT HERE talks to HEY, THOUGH I DON’T GET PAID, I’LL STILL FORCE POOR CARLITO TO JOB TO MAY (READ: ME.) Randy Orton thinks he is cool and Carlito is not cool. I’m sure he made some amusing gaffes but I rebeaked this live and I don’t feel like watching this again.
Commercials. The extended “Office Where Everyone Eats Burger King And This One Asshole Picks On This One Nerd” ad about French things is even less funny than the regular cut.
More crap about the Marine, this time featuring JR telling us the movie is “family friendly.” Cena: “I hate going to movies and seeing doubles.” Don’t go smashed. And it’s “double.” Oh, wait, he’s talking about doing his own stunts. I was thinking about someone theoretically seeing Cena’s movie and naturally thought they were completely wasted. Some Guy: “John refused to come out.”
HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, WILL MAKE ME GETTING TWO NICKNAMES SEEM OK is heading for the ring. JR thinks Orton is not family friendly, unlike John Cena’s new movie The Marine. Seriously, this is said. I SPIT IN THE FACE OF MOVIES THAT ARE MEAN TO FAMILIES. Even this film, has disdain, for families. Orton backs Carlito into the corner, but then Carlito backs Orton into a corner. Orton kicks Carlito’s leg out of his leg on the break. Orton Palumboizes Carlito’s shoulder. He sends Carlito outside and…attacks. Now he sends Carlito back in. He re-Palumboizes him. Wrenching the arm around, while standing in the ropes, but not in a way where the ropes are actually helping. Big, goofy kneedrop by Randy. Lawler: “Flesh-eating, bone-breaking, career-ending cage!” Carlito gets a rana out of nowhere, but Randy comes back with a single-arm DDT. Shades of Single-Arm Anderson. A cover for 2. Randy with a modified ninja chokeout. Carlito fights out, but gets his arm wrenched. Punches are traded. Carlito is whipped to the ropes, but he does a springboard reverse elbow. Running kneelift, and a clothesline by Carlito. He sells the arm, then covers for 2. Carlito with some fancy rolling weirdness, then an Asai moonsault for 2. Orton tries for the RKB, but Carlito evades. More stuff, and Randy ends up rolling through a springboard crossbody and grabbing the tights for 3. Lame. I thought Orton was supposed to be in trouble with management? I guess that’s why he’s beating Carlito every week instead of beating…uh…I can’t think of any face higher on the card for him to beat that I don’t sort of hate and want to see lose.
DX knocks on the Spirit Squad’s door. They don’t want to come out because their new outfits look ridiculous. OH, I KNEW IT, I JUST KNEW IT! DX, I KNEW I COULD DEPEND UPON YOU TO BRING THE FUN! HBK threatens to strip them of the titles if they miss their match, so they agree to come out…NEXT! Triple H: “Those guys are so gay.” HBK: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” HBK PRAY FOR THEIR GAY SOULS.
Commercials. A narrator tells us “he came out of nothing and went on to redefine the American Dream.” Ah man, it’s not even Dusty Rhodes. Or the Midnight Rider.
Haha, holy shit, is this guy in the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie the guy from The History Channel’s Mail Call? Nice.
CRIME TIME AFTER PRIME TIME is on. Narrator: “Whoa, Po-Po is a brother?” They steal a black cop’s donut and trick him into being killed by dogs, I think.
MY GAWD WE’VE NEVER SEEN THESE MEN MADE THE BUTT OF A JOKE BEFORE BY GAWD are dressed as female cheerleaders. I expected something better, and I’m not sure why. Here are shots of the Kansas crowd enjoying it as they slowly figure out what’s happening. Here’s a camera close-up of a skid mark. I couldn’t have just taped Doctor Who on a different machine and stuck with Smackdown, could I? THIS IS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS MY DIVA BOOT CAMP is the target of “washed up” jokes BY JERRY MOTHERFUCKING LAWLER. So, wow, ten thousand years after that bit with Trips and HBK wearing faceguards with windshield wipers on them, Sergeant Slaughter is now the guy they want to win. IRONY. I wanted to make Slaughter’s nickname a specific reference to Bikini Boot Camp but Google blows. Nicky I guess is the one actually wrestling. Sarge has him in the Cobra Clutch within seconds. Haha, my spellchecker wants Sarge to be “Serge.” Use your Slash-and-Dash element to win, then don’t say anything! Hooray! Best character since Crono! Nicky reaches the ropes, and gets clubbered. Nicky runs around and gets kicked. Slaughter almost falls over while giving Nicky a gutbuster, but I marked out anyway because he used to use that move in that ancient Wrestlefest arcade game where the announcer voice would routinely go “OH NOOOOOO!” Sarge gets whipped into the corner and does a nice Fear Flip to the floor, where the Squad stomp the crap out of him. Slaughter is sent back in for a superhero comeback, but Nicky gets a sleeper at some point. Slaughter reverses into a Cobra Clutch, but the cheerleader does some move I missed. JR comes to my aid by saying “innovative move!” Nicky applies some hold or other, but DX appears on the I Hate RAWtron and they wave a white lacey thong around. Naturally this infuriates Nicky, who gets rolled up for 3. Lawler: “I don’t know if it’s an upset anytime Sergeant Slaughter beats a guy wearing panties.” Uh, do you have information concerning Slaughter frequently beating a guy who is wearing panties? Or beating a guy while he, Slaughter, is wearing panties? Or both?
Here’s a brief video package about Edge and Cena. This is about the fiftieth tonight, so just assume every paragraph break in this rebeak features me not mentioning one of these packages.
Commercials. This Subway ad is making me hungry for Taco Bell. I don’t understand it either.
The Marine is going to premiere at a Marine Base in a move that is in no way a lame publicity stunt.
Up next is a Women’s Championship Tournament match. Lillian tells us DX has decreed it a lingerie match, because they can do that. NOW THAT TRISH IS GONE I GUESS I HAVE TO PRETEND I’M MOOLAH vs EVEN STEVIE WINS MORE THAN I DO. This seems like the final, or maybe semi-final, but it ended up a lingerie match in the first round. Mickie does some flippityness, but Victoria takes over by basically smacking the crap out of her. Facebuster across Victoria’s knee, and then Victoria does some shoulderblocks. Lawler: “Assssss-ets.” Yeah, I get it Jerry, no need to turn into a goddamned snake. Victoria with a lot of forearms to the back, but Mickie comes back with screeching and clotheslines. JR says something about Mickie mounting Victoria, and Lawler completely misses it. Mickie tries the Stratusphere or whatever, but Victoria…looking to turn it into the Styles Clash!?!? Oh, no, she sits down in a Boston Crab instead. Mickie powers out and does a sort of rana. They go outside for some reason, and eventually Victoria ends up in the ring, Mickie ends up up top, and Mickie completely blows a super sunset flip, landing on her back in the ring but with no grip on Victoria, who backs up and lets Mickie grabs her and pretends the move worked anyway. And then Victoria sits on it and tries to grab the ropes, but it looks extra silly because she had to go along with a completely missed move just long enough to be in position to counter it. Anyway, the ref sees her grabbing the ropes and hits her hands so she’ll release instead of making Victoria stand up and…Victoria loses. Victoria throws some chairs around at ringside, which is probably a trick to make me think she’s getting a storyline soon. Oh, and I guess that was just a match in lingerie, not a lingerie match, because DX can only change people’s costumes.
Commercials. Nothing happened.
Oh, forgive me, I’m wrong, Lawler tells me JBL conducted an interview with Bischoff during the break. And…here’s…a video package with no JBL. BOO.
We’re back, and CONTROVERSY CREATES CASH BUT NOT ENOUGH TO SECURE THE MONEY-MAKING MACHINE THAT IS MASTER P is being talked to by a highly confused NO ONE BREAKS OUT OF MY MASTERLOCK OR CAN TEACH ME TO READ, who is supposed to be fascinated by Bischoff’s book but he flubs his ONE LINE. DX invades to dick around. Bischoff tells them they were a blatant nWo rip-off. HBK: “BLASPHEMY!” Eric leaves. Triple H makes fun of Chris Masters, which is akin to mocking retarded kids. You know, fun but empty. Masters is considering writing a book. Triple H: “What you gonna call it, how to lose 50 pounds in four weeks?” Yes, Triple Motherfucking H is making fun of someone for abusing steroids. Now HBK wonders if they were really an nWo rip-off. HHH: “He who laughs last, laughs best!” And they do synchronized over-the-top stage laughing. Ok, see, with most DX stuff I can see what’s supposed to be funny, even if (when) it isn’t, but I don’t even get what about this I was supposed to like.
Commercials. For example, I know why the BK Jerk suggesting the BK Nerd’s name is French for creepy is supposed to be funny, even though it isn’t.
THAT FLESH-RIPPING EDGE (w/THE FLESHY CLAYMORE-SUCKING LITA) are here. JR tells us the rules, and it’s the standard stupid WWE cage rules where the only ending the cage really rules out is the fucking count-out. I CAME HERE TO KICK ASS AND EAT CORN BISCUITS WITH SAUSAGE GRAVY AND I’M ALL OUT OF GIFT CERTIFICATES TO BOB EVANS is here, and he’s a tad on the White side. Awesome, awesome 4-part CENA sign where the E is backwards. Here’s replays of Cena taking a shillelagh beat-down. Introductions are carried out with both men in the cage. Cena gets a loud pop and salutes the “we don’t know which way E’s point” crowd. Edge with arm-wringing to start. Lawler expected Edge to go after the “bad wing.” But Cena takes these broken wings and learns to fly, sending Edge into the cage a bunch of times and getting a suplex for 2. Suddenly Cena, who just did a suplex with one arm, can’t Irish whip Edge because of the pain. The Irish whip probably makes Cena flashback to the shillelagh beat-down. Edge clubbers and stuff. Dropkick. Edge tries to go out the door, but shockingly, a dropkick is not enough as Cena gives him a release back suplex and a cover for 2. Cena whips Edge into a corner, Edge stops himself and tries to climb out, but Cena catches him and throws him off of the top rope. Lawler: “You can use this cage as a partner!” A partner with hundreds of interlocking wire vaginas. Sorry. Edge punches. Cena kicks. F-U teased, but Edge escapes and gets a DDT. He covers for 2. JR: “I’ll say this for John Cena, if he loses tonight, he loses as a man!” This is not always the case when he loses. Cena with an armdrag. Wow…the Throwback! He hasn’t used that in forever! Lawler: “Nice move!” JR: “That Blockbuster!” Cena tries to climb out like an idiot with one arm, but Edge pulls him down so he crotches himself on the top rope. ALBERT SPEER. JR: “The fencing doesn’t care whose flesh it takes!” It’s a slutty partner. Edge likes those. Edge tries to climb out, but Cena attax. Both men on the top rope, exchanging blows. Cena pushes Edge into the cage, then bulldogs him down. JR: “OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWAWAWARGLE! WHO WILL SURVIVE!?” Yes, fine, but is anyone rolling?
Commercials. Just For Men Narrator: “When something is for real, you know it.” Is that true, Sailor Mars? Jamie the Highlander? Why won’t either of you answer me?
We’re back, and Lita is more excited about the match than I could ever be. Edge has applied a modified ninja chokeout. Here’s many, many replays of the top-rope bulldog, which was ok, but come on. Cena counters the modified ninja chokeout somehow while the screen is full of replay. Here are some marines at ringside, as JR says, “surely pulling for John Cena!” Edge with a fancy kick, but he takes forever to cover. He gets 2, and JR tries to sell us on how he was only one second away from winning the title. Sadly, this happens anytime anyone covers in a title match since no one ever covers for 1. Ever. If you’ve read of it in rebeaks it was a typo. More stuff happens, including Edge trying for the door and being blocked, before we get exciting Edge trying to climb out action. Cena follows, and now both men are straddling the top of the cage. Trading very slow, melodramatic punches. Lawler: “Careers can end in a heartbeat!” Especially if you’re Ric Flair. Cena sort of falls back in, but catches himself, so now Edge is trying to push Cena off so he can escape. Lots of little girls screeching, but Cena pulls Edge in. That was like five minutes of them pushing/pulling. Edge sort of suplexes Cena back into the ring, and both guys are dead. Edge covers for 2, and JR does the “less than one second, the referee’s hand Mike Chioda was coming to the canvas for the third time” crap. Edge tries to climb out. JR: “Edge trying to climb out over the top. That seems to be Edge’s strategy here.” Cena knocks Edge balls-first onto the ropes. Bouncing him around. Now we get clotheslines and flying shoulderblocks and that one move he has that ends up as a sideslam. I Am Not Visible To You, and here’s the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle. JR: “Driving that fist in in a Semper Fi way!” WHAT? More like Simper Fi, AM I RIGHT? F-U attempt (Semper Fu,) but Edge rams Cena into the cage. Cena comes back and sets up an F-U off the top, but it goes nowhere. Another F-U attempt in the ring, but Edge slips out and Edge-o-matics him for 2. Edge tries to sneak out the door as the camera shows us concerned toddlers. Lita gives Edge a chair, and the refs busily get rid of Lita and ignore the chair in the ring. Haha, look at Jack Doan carefully stepping around it. Edge sent to the corner, Cena charges into a boot, and Edge’s top-rope shoulderblock or whatever accidentally KO’s the ref. Edge finally notices the chair. JR: “Edge’s eyes are bigger than saucers!” Saucers are smaller than fish. Because Edge’s eyes are as big as fish, not as big as fish-eyes. Or Fish-Eye, the creepy villain(ness) from Super S. Cena ducks the chairshot and gets the chair and charishots Edge. The crowd can’t believe how great this is. Step-over Fuck U, but TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR, TOO SHITTY TO WIN MATCHES (!?!?) come out. They do the Sweet and Sour on Cena, but fuck it up. Now they pull Edge outside, BUTWAIT, someone is going to stop them. Right? Ok, the crowd is cheering, and sure enough, WAIT GUYS YOU FORGOT TO PUT ON THESE HILARIOUS WOMEN’S CLOTHES WE HAPPENED TO HAVE PREPARED emerge from out of the corner of a close-up to save. Sweet SIN Music for Murdoch, which also knocks the door into Edge’s face. F-U, 1, 2, 3, WWE cage matches suck ass. What are you swaggering for Triple H, you didn’t even do anything. Cena’s music includes the line “I’ll wash your mouth like Colgate.” JR: “John Cena was too much of a man!”
Final Thoughts: I rebeaked almost all of that live. I felt a little bad because it seemed the match write-ups were barely present and maybe I wasn’t giving y’all as much to read as a Smackbeak would, but then I noticed on some other recap that all the matches but the two title matches were three minutes or less. RAW has more “humor” and less wrestling than Smackdown, from where I sit. It looks like RAW will be easier to rebeak and harder to watch.
