MY LAST RAWBEAK EVER SERIOUSLY: I’m taking RAW and Smackdown this week, then next week, Sofa will go back to RAW and I will return to Smackdown for the foreseeable future. We’re doing this because I mentioned to Sofa that I fucking hate RAW, and he was like, “Really? Well that’s quite a coincidence!” But rather than doing a carefully crafted farewellbeak, I’m gonna rush through it so I can play video games. This is what John Cena, Chris Masters and Eric Bischoff have wrought.
EXTREEEEEEM LEGENDS: Finally showed up. I’m sort of rushing this, so maybe I’ll blog about this in the Smackbeak. I bet you can barely contain your excitement.
SAILOR MOON: impact!beaks and TNAppvbeaks are made funnier for me by the fact that Mideon keeps referring to Bubba Ray as “Raye.” Maybe that really is his name now, I don’t know. But while it would be outside the normal bounds of Scoutly behavior for any of the girls to rip James Storm’s face apart with a cheese grater, if one of them was going to do it, she’d definitely have lots of black hair and resentment for her leader.
WORK: You ever have one of those jobs where there’s a million chances for things to go wrong, and you can go months on end making sure everything goes right, but as soon as something goes wrong the people over you start criticizing every aspect of your performance? Or maybe you’ve worked in a job where management asks you “what can we do to help you perform better?” and then take anything you say should be going better and tell you that it’s your own fault? Fun, huh?
I’M BACK, MORE BORING THAN EVER, SOMETHING SOMETHING, MAKING THINGS LESS INTERESTING and WE ARE NOT TEAM LIGHTLY SEARED, WE ARE NOT TEAM FLASH-FRIED, WE ARE TEAM RAW are in the ring. Eric reveals that no one from Smackdown will invade tonight because IF I WERE IN TNA, WOULD LIMOS MAKE ME POOP MYSELF? is waiting for them in the parking lot. Hahaha, Todd Grisham will keep Smackdown away. I’m not sure I understand the mechanics of a Harry Carey joke, by the way. I also don’t feel like checking the spelling on that. Eric talks about how the RAW team are his pride and joy, and how under his leadership they will be his victors and will wear matching jackets with his face on them and stuff. Not even the heels seem real excited by this. Show eventually takes his mic. Big Show: “First of all Bischoff, we are your nothing.” You are his double-trouble shit on a stick. Show talks some. HOLLA IF JG DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH NICKNAMES FOR YOU EITHER, PLAYA and WE ARE NOT TEAM SMACKUP, WE ARE NOT TEAM SMACKSIDEWAYS, WE ARE TEAM SMACKDOWN step up to Todd Grisham’s challenge. Batista wants Team RAW to bring their sorry butts to the parking lot. Maybe it’s a clever ambush? I wonder who Smackdown’s strategist is. And if he bothers to acquire the “Scout” skill when playing Destiny Mode.
Commercials. For products and services.
The RAW guys continue their march. Carlito stops them, and asks the obvious question, what if this is a trap? An ambush unit killed the Fledgling Phoenix, man. Dat’s not cool. HBK says he’s counting on it. Big Show sez if Batista is still standing, he and Kane have work to do. Get to work hand-crafting Batista a chair. Now everyone fights everyone in the Parking Lot. Why did I capitalize Parking Lot? Kane gets slammed against a car window at one point. We get a lengthy shot of Masters giving Rey Misterio the Masterlock, which just has to be the least interesting visual of this big, random parking lot brawl. Ah, it was to give them time to set up a shot of Batista, having already been double-chokeslammed on a car. Conveniently off-camera. His back broke shatterproof glass, so I guess he can take time to recoop from those pesky real injuries.
Commercials. This ad for local legal firm Huffman & Huffman keeps telling us I can depend on brothers, but it turns out both Huffmans are White.
Here’s a big, long ad for the Bret Hart DVD. Apparently he handpicked the second match against Bulldog because, and I’m paraphrasing what I read, it made an interesting contrast to their first match at Wembley. The most striking contrast is that Bret wins the won he handpicked for his DVD.
Bischoff tells Todd Grisham that Batista’s violent death was inevitable because he messed with Bischoff. Even though Bischoff didn’t do anything. Wow. What a heel.
I’VE BEEN SURVIVING, ALL OF MY LIFE! WOO! is out. Maybe to defend his title. Maybe not. His opponent is THE EARL OF MURDOCH, referred to as “T. Murdoch” by Coach. Whatever. Circling. Ric adjusts his hair. His own, I mean. Trevor shoulderblocks Ric down, but runs into a back body drop. This is enough of a victory to earn a Flair Strut. Murdoch backs Flair into the corner and punches a lot. Trevor gives the crowd what Joey calls “the universal high-sign.” Dude, he’s totally stoned. Flair chops away, then goes up. Trevor tries to toss Flair off the top, but that never works now as Flair gouges him in the eyes. Off the top for YE OLDE STUPID as Murdoch punches him. Swinging neckbreaker by Murdoch. Knees to the back. Scoop slam. Murdoch adjusts his panties, postures a bit, and drops an elbow. Murdoch with some goofy-ass stretch submission. Styles doesn’t know what it’s called, as he calls it “some wrasslin’.” Trevor eventually breaks, slams Flair, goes to the second rope, adjusts his kneepad, ADJUSTS HIS PANTIES, and jumps off with THE STUPID as Flair rolled clear. Flair clips the knee a few times. Chops. Another shot to the knee. More chops. Punches. Chops. Flair wants the Figure-4, but Murdoch kicks him into the corner. Murdoch wants something, Flair goes behind, and rolls him up, practically pulling his panties off, and that’s enough to end this one. Murdoch, hahaha, he chases the referee all the way up the ramp yelling at him. I mean he’s walking the whole way up the ramp making a big goofy show of bitching. They must be waiting for something…ah, EDDIE GUERRERO’S BEST FRIEND appears on the Limeytron to cut a promo about the Last Man Standing match with Flair. Styles wonders what Triple H is going to show Flair later tonight, because I guess Trips said he was going to show Flair something and Joey was paying more attention than I was.
We’re back, and I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BECOME A REPORTER has YOU THOUGHT I CARED ABOUT QUEBEC in the Tarantula? Um…joined in progress, I guess. JAPANESE BUSINESS LEGEND comes out of the crowd and kills them both. JBL has THE STICK! JBL: “I’m standing here with the two feet God gave me!” Not that stick, JBL. And I doubt it’s really two feet long. JBL calls out the hair-lipped orangutan Chris Masters. THE RISE AND FALL AND FALL AND FALL OF ERIC BISCHOFF comes out, and earns an immediate “asshole” chant. Should be a “tosser” chant. JBL is out here because “I’m JBL, and that’s damn enough!” Eric says JBL is dumb. This is scintillating stuff. He gives JBL a match, but not the match he wants. He gives him a match with HBK because somehow this isn’t as good? Then he tells JBL to go eat donuts, fish and chips, pizza, etc. Eric suggests JBL eat delicious food. What a heel. This is all made even better by the fact that JBL is already leaving as Eric starts listing foods for no reason.
Commercials. An ad: “Dot com!”
John Cena takes us behind the scenes at Mad TV. This is exactly why I want Smackdown back. Some gay Asian man: “I think John and I could do a movie together.” Somebody call Gail Kim. Cena then says none of this sketch was scripted. That makes this gay Asian man the best thing ever to happen to wrestling!
AMERICAN BY BIRTH BALD BY CHOICE (BUT NOT REALLY) is out. They’re doing the “censoring the crowd” thing again. Um…you know Kurt, just because we can’t hear it doesn’t mean you can’t. It’s a highly modified Bugblatter Beast of Traal situation. NOTHIN’ GONNA STOP NOW (STOP ME FROM JOBBING) is out. He’s ready to lock up, but Kurt tells him to talk to the hand. I WILL ISSUE YOU BOTH INSTRUCTIONS BUT NEITHER OF YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THEM is out to be the ref for NO REASON. Daivari with an over-the-top search of Shelton for weapons. This ref will surely hurt Shelton’s chances of winning. Super Asia: “Wait, didn’t Kurt win the last match with Shelton anyway?” Me: “Yes.” Super Asia: “Hey, is Kurt Angle’s mouthpiece black?” Me: “It changes every week. It’s like a mood ring.” Lockup, headlock takedown by Angle. Shelton gets to his feet, sends him to the ropes, and eats a shoulderblock. Run-aroundy-leapfroggy sequences leads to armdrags, and finally an armbar for Shelton. Angle goes to the eyes to escape. Punching, but Shelton punches back, Daivari complains about the closed fists. Shelton wanders right into an overhead belly2belly. Ribbreaker by Angle. Styles thinks it was a backbreaker. I dunno. Angle stands on Shelton in the ropes, and Daivari takes like five seconds to count to one. Stomping and stuff. Vertical suplex, and a cover for 2. Boringlock by Kurt. Daivari does the “ready to signal for the bell on an instant’s notice” pose. Shelton gets to his feet and elbow out. Punching. Kurt reverses a whip, Shelton ducks a clothesline, and Shelton gets the Flying Burrito. Daivari counts both men down while begging Angle to rise. Both men rise, Kurt charges into some clotheslines, Angle charges into an elbow, and Kurt charges into a Samoan Drop. Shelton beats his chest, but wanders right into a kick. Shelton reverses a kick, catches Angle for the Exploder, but Kurt elbows out. Kurt wants another vertical suplex, but Shelton lands on his feet and gets a neckbreaker. Angle stumbles into the corner, where Shelton punches away on him. Shelton sends Kurt to the corner, charges into a kick, gets sent into the corner, and catches a charging Kurt with a kick. Shelton ducks a clothesline, Angle catches his kick, Angle evades the Moneyclip, Angle goes for a German, Shelton lands on his feet…MONEYCLIP! Nice! Coach thinks Shelton loses by not covering here. As though A) the Moneyclip ever ends it or B) Daivari would count. Angle rolls out, Shelton baseballslides into him. Shelton smacks him around a bit on the outside. Shelton tries to go back in, Angle hops up behind him and tries to German suplex him into the barricade…but no. This isn’t TNA. They tease it forever though, and eventually Shelton elbows out and gets a sweet DDT onto the apron. Both men back inside. Shelton wants the Exploder, but Angle takes him down with a front facelock. Ankle going for the Anglelock, easily countered version. Shelton fights it forever and ever and ever, and eventually gets this crazy roll-up cover! Haha, Daivari rolls Angle on top and fast-counts Shelton down. If you’re going to do heel ref for the eight billionth week in a row, it’s best it be Daivari and that he cheat in really blatant ways like that.
Commercials. 8 million people in Japan have been trapped by this viney, tentacly monster. Most of them are Junior High School girl’s volleyball players.
Kurt is still in the ring, with THE STICK. Aka Daivari. Kurt complains that this crowd boos him and Daivari, but they will cheer a foul-mouthed misogynist like Cena. And…they boo the mention of Cena, hahaha. Kurt now declares Khosrow Daivari his “own personal referee” for all of his matches. At Survivor Series, it will be Kurt Angle’s Referee vs Buff Bagwell’s Referee. But not really. Daivari: “AND, I GOT, *sounds of Farci.* I CANNOT BELIEVE A HIP-HOP THEMED WRESTLER IS NOT OVER IN ENGLAND tells Kurt to “stop it, calm down, you’re acting like a ham sandwich!” You know hoe ham sandwiches are always jumping around all excited. He wanders into the women’s lockerroom. GO-GO GADGET BIMBO and PLEASE MULTIPLY LITTLE BRAIN CELLS are here. Hilarity ensues. SOME OTHER GIRL I DIDN’T EVEN SEE ENOUGH OF TO RECOGNIZE kicks him out. Now John goes into another lockerroom. I’M STILL EMPLOYED AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT MY FAULT is massaging I’M SORRY I WASN’T THERE FOR YOU WITH LOZENGE, MR. CAGE’s back. More hilarity ensues. John Cena: “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.” Thanks for reminding me, I’m trading this yutz in for Ken Kennedy after this rebeak. Now Cena finds JESUS CHRIST, IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN, which is actually pretty funny. Cena closes the door in mid-nursery rhyme, then opens it again, and Boogeyman finishes the rhyme and hits himself with the clock. Cena decides to go to the crowd. People in the crowd think Kurt Angle *incomprehensible British weirdo sounds.* Super Asia: “It sounds as much like he said ‘huzzah’ as he said ‘he sucks.’” Cena eventually says that Kurt sucks. Then he attacks Angle. This show is more than halfway over. Daivari tries to distract Cena, but Kurt still gets tossed. The fans seem to be booing everything, or maybe cheering just sounds different over there. For some reason, Kurt takes Daivari firmly by the rist and raises his hand. Kurt’s crotch is indicated.
Triple H walks around. He’ll walk some more…NEXT!
Commercials. I might consider buying the 50 Cent video game if that’s what it cost but probably not BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
Our Smackdown vs Raw 2006 Something of the Night is Triple H beating up Viscera 3 weeks ago. Wow, it sure was important for us to remember that.
I WILL BE THE LAST MAN STANDING UNLESS RIC CLEVERLY BRINGS ME A LEATHER RECLINER TO SIT ON stands in glowy lights. Maybe the show will be over by the time he gets to the ring. Coach: “No one gets inside people’s heads better, than that man you’re staring at right there, Triple H.” What about Khan? The Wrath of Khan guy, with the evil bugs that live in your ears. I can’t be bothered to look up his goofy, Bashiresque last name. NOTHING VENTILATED, NOTHING GAINED (w/CHIRST…LOOK, JUST NEVER TALK, MINA. EVER) is out to get revenge for Viscera. The last RAW before Survivor Series, and it features Val Venis. Val does clotheslines and face shit. He clotheslines Triple H to the floor. Triple H gets a chair, and just cracks Val right over the head with it. There’s the Dairy Queen. Is this kinda like how Taker doesn’t do stuff on free TV so it feels special when he really does have a match? Wait a second, am I complaining about a lack of Undertaker on my television? Coach: “You can ring the bell all you want!” Thanks, Coach! Triple H hits Val with the chair over a million times. Pedigree. Lawler: “Look at Val Venis, he’s just limp.” Hahahaha. Man, what could Venis do to deserve this? Besides being hateful for years. Suddenly I want to see that episode where Mina dates a disguised Hawk’s Eye and a disguised Tiger’s Eye at the same time. I don’t even know if I have that one on tape, but I do know it features Gamera on a movie screen.
Bischoff is in his office. Some lackey with huge British ears tells him Teddy Long is outside. Bischoff tells that guy to let Theodore in. They’ll meet in the next segment. DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!
Commercials. TASTES SO GOOD, MAKE YOU WANNA SLAP YO MOMMA! I’m not sure what precise blend of flavors would give me that desire.
Our XBOX Something of Something is a deadly wand-shot.
Look at those crazy British cars! They don’t look like our cars!
WHERE’S WANDO is the worst nickname ever. She’s here with MY FAVORITE QUEEN, IRONICALLY, WAS ELIZABETH but Candice is the one who’s going to wrestle. Odd. Candice and Victoria pretend smooch. Candice’s outfit is pretty hot. Oh, it’s a spastic seconds match, as I’M MICKEY JAMES *LENGTHY PAUSE* BITCH (w/STRATUSFACTION GUARENTEED, OFFER VOID IN BRITAIN) are out. Supes: “Ugh.” I didn’t say sloppy seconds. I guess Candice isn’t spastic, really. Candice begs off the lock-up to do her thing where she turns around in a circle. Can you say “circle” children? Victoria distracts Mickey, allowing Candice to take over. Briefly. Mickey punches and stuff. Flying…chop. Victoria gets baseball slided off the apron. Mickey tosses Victoria into the ring so there will be a wrestler in there. TWIN ARN ANDERSONS appear and kidnap Trish. No, really, it was two guys in black outfits and masks. If they stop to bop Hogan on the knee, we’ll know they were Arn Andersons. Victoria kicks Mickey, allowing Candice to win. Victoria’s music plays, though. She’s not the new winner, since no one else’s music played. By the way, Trish got kidnapped.
Commercials. Hey, Trish was kidnapped outside of US jurisdiction. Is Interpol on the case? Wait, were those two guys Double Trouble Double Trouble?
A replay of a retarded RAW angle I won’t have to deal with after tonight. Trish Stratus has been kidnapped by ninjas. Is Samoa Joe a bad enough dude to rescue Trish Stratus? Now, we see Trish on camera with the masked guys. THE FACE THAT WAS DISGUSTED BY A THOUSAND SHIPS enters? Oh, the masked dudes are MNM. This is dumb. I already get to make jokes about Sailor Mercury, I don’t need a Carmen Sandiego connection here. Melina says mean stuff, then kicks her. Coach: “Wow.” I totally expected Joey or Lawler to then say: “That was dumb.” Jerry Lawler gets up and leaves but I really wasn’t paying attention to why. Supes thinks it’s to rape Trish while she’s tied up. I think he’s gonna go kidnap Michael Cole and challenge him to a match.
Joey and Coach run down the card. Bischoff/Long. Hey, Bischoff/Long…we were promised a talking segment between those two? How far from the hallway is Eric Bischoff’s desk anyway?
We cut to ERIC BISCHOFF WAS REQUIRED TO HIRE A DIFFERENTLY ABLED ANNOUNCER, who is confused by a book. She introduces HOMOSEXUAL BRITISH KING who has a book out. HBK: “Available in…all bookstores.” That was oddly ominous. The G Brotherz start cracking wise. Supes: “Wait, we’re missing something about lumberjacks!” HBK says “bidness.” HBK and JBL are “gonna get RAW!” Oh, and it’s a lumberjack match.
Commercials. That Stormtrooper shoots the frying…thing. It’s a good thing the Rebel Alliance wasn’t made up entirely of frying…things.
HOT BRITISH KINK is out with WE ARE LUMBERJACKS AMD WE’RE OK. All right, let’s go. JUMP BACK, LIMEYS is out with WE SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND WE WORK ALL DAY. JBL into the ring, and they trade punches for awhile. JBL bails to escape a dropkick or something, notices he’s on the RAW side, and goes back in. Choppery in the corner by HBK. HBK’s whip reversed, but JBL charges into a boot. More chops. HBK sends JBL to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Neckbreaker or something (I’m typing as fast as I can) by JBL. More punches exchanged. HBK gets the better of that (ugh) but JBL goes to the eyes. Clubbering. Lawler is back for some reason. Supes: “He doesn’t have the stamina that he used to.” JBL with more boringness. He sends HBK to the ropes, and returns the Papa Shango favor to put HBK in control. HBK does something and covers, but JBL has the ropes. JBL reverses a whip and gets a sideslam. With, Joey tells me, authority. JBL with a bearhug, because this match was way too exciting. HBK fights out and does some lame runny forearm. Up top, but JBL catches him and pitches him down. JBL stands around as HBK lies around. JBL catches him with THE POUNC-AH as he rises. Dude, why not do your finisher in that situation? HBK sent to the corner, and he bounces off all hard because of the authority of the whipping. JBL punches HBK in the back a lot. Randy Orton: “I’ve got my eyes on you Carlito, you watch your…HAY!” HAY IF YOU WERE AN APPLE WOULD YA EAT YERSELF? Hay, nothing you can say, is gonna make me change my name from Randay. Ok, at some point both guys go outside and a big brawl is teased. Joey Styles: “It’s anyone’s matchup!” Supes: “Cool, I wanna win.” Show press-slams HBK into a cover on JBL but it doesn’t work. Yawn.
Commercials. Dude you would kick my butt…ah, a fatty ninja! This is more my speed.
JBL has HBK in a Torture Rack. He’s making him watch this match OHOHOHO. HBK gets out and we get some pinfall sequence stuff and HBK gets sent to the floor to get stomped by Smackdown guys. HBK is sent back in, and JBL covers for 2. Styles: “It’s apparent they came in with a very well-executed gameplan!” The gameplan wasn’t executed when they first came in. JBL with some elbows, and a cover for 2. HBK bites JBL or something, causing JBL to make goofy faces. JBL tosses HBK to the Smackdown side again. LAY DOWN THE LAW, CARLITO! Coach suggests the RAW lumberjacks may be intimidated by the Smackdown side, and…haha, somebody gets bleeped! I guess Styles or Lawler must have said “suck.” More boring JBL offense. HBK tries the Flying Burrito, but JBL is too close and maybe JBL was supposed to clothesline him but God it looked awful. One of the commentators says “Good grief” but I was too busy shaking my head at the ABORTED BURRITO. Snitsky’s favorite Mexican snack. JBL covers a few more times. HBK comes back with chops and punches. JBL reverses a whip, and now the Flying Burrito hits. Kip-up. Styles: “He’s up alright!” Ew. HBK’s face is bloody. Clothesline. Scoop slam. HBK goes up…Macho Elbow connects. Styles says HBK is fighting for all of us on RAW, including the fans. Smackdown wants those fans to DIE. Tuning up the band, but the Smackdown lumberjacks pull JBL out. HBK with a slingshot pescado onto…some of the Smackdown guys. The others casually wander out of shot. Back in the ring, and HBK chops. JBL reverses a whip, HBK does his uber-Flair Flip, and JBL Big Boots him. Sign of the Defunct Corporation. JBL tries to set up a superplex, HBK is fighting it, and he punches JBL down. Orton shoves HBK off the top. Um, RAW lumberjacks, you do have them outnumbered. JBL signals for the Clothesline from Texas. HBK ducks, hits Sweet Chin Music with a totally untuned band, and now everyone runs in for the Dairy Queen. Haha, stupid Misterio tries to Mars Celestial Fire Surround Kane, but Kane is immune to fire attacks and catches him with a chokeslam. Double-chokeslam for Lashley (just imagine what Kane and Show could do to the FBI!) But wait, THE MUMMY RETURNS! Batista is out and all bandaged up. Alternate nickname: “Unlesh the Mummy.” Anyway, Batista uses a crutch or a chair or something (I hate typing as I watch and trying to type from memory) to beat up Kane and Big Show. The commentators talks about what a wuss he is for needing a weapon. The beat two guys. The show ends with no one anywhere certain who they’re supposed to root for. Rick Scaia probably hates this.
Final Thoughts: Nothing profound to say about my “final” Rawbeak since I never quite stopped feeling like Smackdown was my show. This seemed to be a frustratingly boring episode, but I did have a “new” PS2 game I wanted to play so your mileage may vary.
