I haven’t been looking forward to writing this. It’s neither my style, nor WV style to be serious, dour, or even just respectful towards what we’re writing about. I don’t feel like I have much, if anything, particularly insightful to add to wrestling fandom’s collective understanding of Eddie’s life, his death, and the significance of both. I think the best thing I can do is just write as “normal” a rebeak as possible and make stupid jokes throughout. Some of them may seem a little classless, and I guess I apologize in advance for those. But I’m gonna try to write something kinda humorous and maybe, just maybe, it will help us get through this.
EDDIE GUERRERO’S MANY, MANY CHILDREN is pretty much the entire WWE roster gathered in “I’m your papi” shirts. THAT POOP-HOSE INCIDENT WAS MY IDEA delivers a brief speech in which he tells us Eddie is dead and tonight we’re gonna pay tribute to him. So far, the teariest eyes belong to Big Show and Benoit, but pretty much everybody is either crying or fighting back tears. Vince asks us to stand in silence as a bell is tolled ten times. Some guy the crowd: “Viva la rasa!” Then they show this montage of Eddie set to Johnny Cash covering this really depressing song and it’s just…man. I should have done this live and gotten it over with. By the end of the montage, Triple H is weeping. Which looks really amusing when they pull back and reveal he’s not wearing pants with that Eddie shirt. The audience, on loan from TNA, gets a nice “Thank-you Edd-ie CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP” going.
Our first personal tribute is from REMEMBER WHEN I RAPPED ABOUT HOW EDDIE WORKS AT TACO BELL? Sadly, the only direct quotation I seem to be able to find from the “Heel Cena hates Wetbacks” era is Cena on commentary, going, “What you talkin’ ‘bout, why you dissin’? Chioda’s way out of position!” He claims to enjoy mild sauce. I mean, he did two years ago, he doesn’t spend his Eddie tribute talking about Taco Bell condiments. Now Cena says Eddie taught him about a lot more than how to perform great wrestling moves. I wish he’d spent a little more time on the how to perform great wrestling moves.
Commercials. Grand Theft Auto: True Crimes.
Our first Eddie Flashback is the Poop Truck. Sadly, we don’t see the glorious highlights, which are Cousin Chewie’s deafness and Big Show crying as he falls in the poop like a third time.
WELL, I FELL IN SOME BIG POOPS is out, still crying. He recovers to give us the chokeslam pantomime. His partner MONSTERS DON’T CRY, THEY JUST KINDA STAND THERE is out next. He explodes the ring in Hellfire FOR EDDIE. Their opponents are, hey, it’s REMEMBER THE LWO FROM WCW MONDAY ME? and WELL LA-DI-DAH, AREN’T YOU BRILLIANT (w/*ME FACE* and GREG GROOTHIUS.) Groothius represents Psychic Companion Greg and is accompanying Mercury in a variation on the Chad and Grandpa joke. Somehow, even though MNM are big cheaters and representing Eddie’s old brand, I doubt we’ll be seeing Shine Aqua Illusion tonight. Though I could call the stereo chokeslam Modified Shine Aqua Illusion. We are denied the Melina Entrance for whatever reason. Nitro starts with Show, utterly failing in an effort at a single-leg takedown. Show slaps him and beats him up as Joey Styles talks about the “excrutiating pain” of this match. I kinda sorta intentionally misinterpreted it. Kane tagged in for a sideslam. Kane goes up, Melina distracts the ref, and Mercury pitches Kane to the outside. Show slingshots Mercury into the ring, but Nitro slips outside to hit Kane with one of the many, many tag team titles at ringside. Nitro rolls Kane in and covers for 2. Neckbreaker by Nitro. It was rather Rude Awakeningesque, in an odd and creepy coincidence. Mercury tagged in. He adjusts his hair and gets a second-rope kneedrop. Tag to Nitro for stereo kicking. Mercury knocks Show off the apron, but he and Nitro get double-goozled by Kane. They counter and attempt a doubleteam suplex (aka Modified Shine Aqua Illusion) but instead they are both suplexed. Melina makes a face. Tag to Show, who clotheslines and headbutts. Both Smackdowners stacked in the corner for a fatvalanche. Melina is on the apron, but Show blocks her slap and kisses the Hell out of her. She’s disgusted, as well she should be. Mercury is lining up a belt shot, which is ironic because Amy Anderson has never been allowed to wear pants her entire life. The ref steals the belt, Show turns around, and Mercury’s all “I wasn’t really going to hit you with the belt, friend! Scout’s honor!” Meanwhile Kane ascends the turnbuckles and Mercury turns right into his flying clothesline. Nitro eats Modified Shine Aqua Illusion to finish it. Melina looks like she’s going to throw up. But I got to make Sailor Moon jokes, so I’m already feeling a little better. Joey Styles: “Can you imagine the size of that guy’s tongue!?”
I HOPE CHRIS BENOIT NEVER DIES BECAUSE IT’S GONNA BE SO EMBARASSING WHEN I THEN OFFER A TRIBUTE TO CHRIS JERICHO feels tight with Eddie because she’s a fiery Latina. She remembers how classy Eddie was when Smackdown went to visit the troops. Then she makes sounds of Spanish people. I wonder if Eddie comforted her when Viscera broke her heart? Remember that? I will always remember.
Commercials. It’s comforting to know that whatever tragedies occur in our lives and whomever is taken from us before their time, Crazy John is still crazy crazy crazy about selling fly rims.
Our second flashback is Eddie pimping the WWE Auction Site’s big premiere. Eddie: “Your very own I Suck Kurt Angle picture!” God, I really loved that.
MY WIFE NO LONGER SUCKS KURT ANGLE is a mean, horrible joke and I’m so sorry. Kurt is wearing a black armband with “EG” on it. I hope he doesn’t develop a Charlie Haasian fixation where he screams “EDDIE” at least once in every match. Angle’s opponent is DAMN IT KURT, I FOUGHT FOR YOUR HONOR WHEN EDDIE AND CHAVO MADE YOUR PICTURE WEAR A PANCHO. This ought to be pretty damned good. Some of Shelton’s first flashes of brilliance came against Los Guerreros, including him going all crazy and promising to cripple Chavito. Shelf-Life. Lock-up, Shelton wants an armdrag but Kurt turns it into an armbar. Shelton escapes with springboard flippityness. Joey mentions the Golden Gophers. Kurt goes with punching and clubbering. Angle reverses a whip and kills Shelton with an overhead belly2belly. European uppercuts. Coach claims Angle taught Shelton about passion. Boots. Kurt with a suplex, and a cover for 2. Another cover. Kurt slaps on a rear-waistlock as Joey and Lawler talk about amateurness. Shelton elbows out, but runs into a kneelift. Fan sign: “I LOVE LAMP.” Coach compliments Angle and Shelton on their “attention to detail.” What? Angle with a backbreaker for 2. Covering again for 2. Modified ninja chokeout. Angle clubbers. Vertical suplex attempt, but Shelton lands on his feet and wants a neckbreaker, Angle turns into it, so Shelton fucking plants him with a DDT! That’s how you do it, Carlito. Both men slow to rise. Punching back and forth, Angle is on the ropes, Angle reverses a whip but eats the Flying Burrito. I read recently where OO is responsible for everyone remembering the Flying Burrito. I suppose I’m responsible for the half-dozen or so Rei & Yuichirou shrines on the net. Shelton with a clothesline, then he sends Angle into the corner. Shelton charges into a boot, but Kurt charges into a Samoan Drop. Kurt up first, walking into an Exploder…no, Kurt gets a single-leg. Ankle going for the Anglelock, but Shelton kicks him off. Kurt catches a Shelton kick, Money Clip. It gets 2. Shelton goes up, Kurt rushes in for the super-armdrag, but Shelton punches him off and gets a flying clothesline with some major height on it. Shelton flips out. Angle stumbles into a corner, but dodges the Stingar Splash. Kurt gets two rolling Germans, but Shelton ruthlessly rolls him up on the third for 2. Kurt ducks a clothesline and gets the Angleslam for a long 2. The straps come down. Kurt is going up top for the Anglesault, but Shelton catches him…and German suplexes him TO DEATH. Kurt did a 360 in the air and landed on his goddamned stomach. Styles: “A golden opportunity for the Golden Gopher!” Shelton very slow to cover, and he gets 2.9999. Shelton walks across Angle to go bitch at the ref, and Kurt grabs his ankle and pulls him down. There’s the “tap out Benoit” leg-lace, and Shelton has to tap. Nice.
BONING BOYS FOR JESUS mentions Jesus like ten times in his Eddie tribute. He predicts that some day, he will wrestle against Eddie in Heaven and Jesus will be in attendance. I’m thinking Jesus is totally gonna turn heel and join the LWO. Perhaps he will smash HBK in the head with a Bible. Bible thumper.
Commercials. I’m cool with a bio-pic of Johnny Cash, but when are we going to examine the life and times of Johnny Cage?
Our third flashback is Chavo developing a lifelong fascination with golf as he and Eddie con gullible honkies. Mando Guerrero liked it when “he lays down right, and he’s really alive but he tells everybody to be quiet.” Current tragedy aside, I don’t think he expected the referee or his opponents to think he was literally killed by phantom title belt-shots.
RIP KERWIN WHITE talks about wrestling against Eddie when he was four and Eddie was “six, seven.” Eddie was six foot seven as a small child. They always dreamed of being tag team champions together. You know, Los Guerreros were just a fucking awesome team. Supes and I spent countless hours trying to pull off Chavito brainbustering a guy and Eddie already being in position for the Frog Splash in whichever Smackdown game came out in that era. But anyway, um, Chavo loves Eddie and will miss him, pretty much.
Commercials. A Taco Bell ad seems strangely inappropriate.
Nice leather top, Lillian. But it’s black leather so you can tell she’s in mourning. I’LL BE KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE SAINT PETER is out. He does some prayer-type stuff on the ramp. His opponent is THIS IS DEFINITELY SADDER THAN WHEN NEPHYLTE DIED (w/CRYING CHAD and GRIEVING GRANDPA.) I’m at a bit of a loss here. I can’t tell if I’m unfunny because of this sad occasion, or if it’s just my normal unfunnyness. They shake hands. Armwringery to start by HBK. Lawler kinda takes credit for the “Latino Heat” nickname, though I guess what he means is he was responsible for the weird way Lawler always said it. Rey reverses the arm-wringery. HBK reverses again, but Rey escapes with flippityness. They do a runny-aroundy leapfroggy armdraggy sequences that ends with Indy Respect. Styles points out, rightly, that HBK may be in trouble since he generally wrestlers bigger guys than himself and takes advantage of an edge in speed. HBK goes to a hammerlock. Rey tries the flippity counter from before, but no, Rey gets a single-leg, but HBK inside-cradles for 2. HBK with a headlock. Rey gets to his feet, sends him to the ropes, and Shawn shoulderblocks him down. Lawler credits Jose Lothario with inventing lucha libre. Rey goes for one of those magic dropkicks that hurt if you miss them, but HBK stops himself at the ropes. HBK monkey-flips Rey towards the ropes (idiot) so Rey lands on the apron and gets a springboard crotch-attack for 2. HBK reverses a whip, Rey floats out of the corner, and tries some kinda fancy rana, but HBK simply pitches him off and Rey lands on his face. HBK with a chop. Styles: “Chops are on the menu tonight here in Minneapolis.” Coach: “Yeah, competition is on the menu tonight, and everybody is serving up a full plate.” For dessert, tortured metaphors. More chops. HBK sends Rey to the ropes, then Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Shawn ends up in 619 position, but he bails to the floor. Rey fakes him out, then gets a pescado.
Commercials. Dragon Quest and Tentacle Rape. Two great things that go great together.
I apologize. Tentacle Rape is obviously horrible. To say otherwise would be disrespectful to the tentacles who have been violated.
A WWE.com flashback reveals that HBK avoided a Stingar Splash during the break and got a neckbreaker. We’re back to a modified ninja chokeout. I guess this is a sleeper. IT’S WORKING ON ME HUR HUR. Rey gets up and tries to back suplex HBK, but HBK turns in mid-air and lands on him. HBK chops away. Backbreaker. Rey slips to the floor. Coach says this match is a great way for both men to end the year. Um…do they get December off or something? Rey is back in the ring, and put in another modified ninja chokeout. Rey fights out and gets elbowed. HBK sends Rey to the ropes, but gets ranaed. And…he takes back over with a kick. He sends Rey to the ropes again (because that’s been working so well) and eats a springboard crossbody. Rey kicks his leg out of his leg a few times, then does Eddie’s sexay dance. Dropkick to the knee by Rey. Dropkick to the head. Rey covers for 2. Rey sends HBK to the ropes, and, in the irony of ironies, eats the flying burrito. Coach: “I’m gonna make a prediction right here, that Shawn Michaels is gonna nip up.” Heh. He’s right, of course. Both men up now, and Rey gets the uber-contrived bulldog. HBK is set up for 619, but he escapes and clotheslines Rey down. HBK sends Rey to the ropes, tries the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Rey escapes and HBK just clotheslines him. HBK goes up top…Macho Elbow! Be a man, Hulk. He tunes up the band. Styles: “But are they playing his song?” No, they’re playing Booyaka 619, or perhaps Crossing Borders, as Rey ducks the Sweet Chin Music, ranas HBK into the ropes, and gets 619. Mars Celestial…oh, wait, he Drops the Dime instead. Shit. And I haven’t gotten to use MCFS in forever, either. Rey covers for 3 as Joey Styles breaks glass with his voice.
HUGGLES THE BEAR is Batista. Because friends gotta hug. Dave is all weepy and thanks Eddie for teaching him so much and I don’t have the heart to make fun of this because Big Dave is clearly devastated. Devastated Dave. Didn’t I just say I wasn’t gonna make fun of this?
Commercials. Little kids torment some weirdo with their West Coast Choppers toy…truck? And USA is showing “The Hulk” after “The WWE” again. This is The Repetitive.
That “I will make you hurt” video again. It made me sniffle. Somewhere, Mideon is silently mouthing “wuss” at his computer.
Oh great, Divas. IDIOT TOMBOY is out first, followed by HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA, RED-HEADED IDIOT, M-Y M-U-S-I-C I-S S-L-O-W, IT WAS MELINA FACE, HOLMES, AT WHAT POINT DID I STOP BEING MNM’S PRESS AGENT OR WHATEVER?, RICHMOND BE SCREWIN’ UP AGAIN, FEAR MY MAGICAL STRAP-ON WAND and finally EDDIE STOLE MY LITTLE COWBOY HAT. Fan sign: “TRISH HAVE MY BABIES.” This guy is sick of his babies and he wants Trish to have them. I should note that all of the Divas are wearing Eddie Guerrero T-shirts. They take them off. Well, that’s over. This is a battle royal, I guess. Everybody does stuff. The camera wisely focuses on Trish fighting Victoria. Maria is kind of standing back and watching. That girl with the thing on her face tries to toss Mickey James, who just clearly isn’t going out, but she wanders off anyway. Mickey is tossed by Jillian. Maria tosses Jillian, then kinda shrugs. Styles: “There’s the wand to the midsection by Candice!” Candice does her weird hanging on the ropes move. Go Daddy Dance. More stuff. Ashley gets tossed. Trish chops Melina in the chest a few times. Trish does the Matrish duck. Melina and Trish take turns almost getting eliminated. Victoria trying for the Widow’s Peak on Christy or whaha? She ends up getting dumped somehow. Whirlybird by Trish on Candice, which sends her to the floor. Victoria with a whirly kinda sideslam. Hahaha, Styles: “Fireperson’s carry into the slam!” Maria boots Victoria out while she’s celebrating. Lawler: “I’m gonna put Maria on my things to do list!” Ugh. Maria is all hopped-up, and shoves the other two survivors, Trish and Melina. Stereo “oh no you didna” poses. They toss her together, then Melina immediately turns on Trish. Trish kicks her and sets up the Stratusfaction, but Melina pushes off and sends Trish to the floor! SHOCKING UPSET. Melina makes title-belt motions. Far sexier than Bunkhouse Buck’s. Near the beginning of this segment, I worried briefly that this would herald the return of Mamacita, so it suffices to say that I’m relieved about how this ended.
Let’s share a moment with TODAY, I WILL WEAR BLACK HAKAMA IN HONOR OF EDDIE (w/I THOUGHT HAKAMA WERE FOR MEN ONLY and BUT THEN WHY WOULD YOU WEAR THEM! ZING!) Countdown to Blackbritches. Rey talks about all the great memories Eddie has given his family. Great memories of CHILD CUSTODY BATTLES? Anyway, Rey loves Eddie, and takes off his mask. OMG WE HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM WITHOUT THE MASK BEFORE. Sorry. Look, I warned you the only way I could do this was to make dumb jokes.
Commercials. Grand Theft Auto: Wild West.
We flashback to Eddie coming into the ring at Wrestlemania XX with the title on his shoulder to hug the new World Champion Chris Benoit. That was one of my favorite wrestling visuals even before Eddie died.
WHAT THE FUCK? is Eugene. His nickname comes from my response to him showing up when he did. His opponent is WHAT THE FUCK? Simon Dean. He has the Dean Machine. Styles starts talking about the Segue Scooter, and Lawler haughtily corrects him. Simon offers Eugene a Simon System bar, but IT’S A TRAP!!! He rolls him up for 2. Now Simon does push-ups, and Eugene copies him. Simon tries to catch him with an elbow, but Eugene evades. Headbutting him on all fours. Shades of Junkyard Dog. Now he bites him in the keyster. Shades of Shark Boy. What other animal-themed wrestlers will he emulate tonight? Haha, he goes for a monkey-flip. Eugene tries to hijack the Dean Machine, but Simon is sneaking up behind him. Joey Styles is screaming out warnings to Eugene like a black woman at a horror movie. Coach: “Eugene isn’t smart enough to listen to you.” Nevermind that he can’t hear you. Simon attacks, and tosses Eugene into the ring. A cover for 2. Simon with some especially goofy modified ninja chokeout. Coach thinks Simon has “blossomed” since going to Smackdown. Don’t you mean Velocity? Simon hammers Eugene’s head into the top turnbuckle because that always works. Tarding Up. “YOU!” He punches a lot. Airplane Spin. Simon ends up in the corner. He grabs his Dyna Bands (SHADES OF MAXX MUSCLE) and Eugene tries to pull him out of the corner and Simon is thus propelled into the corner when Eugene lets go. This can end whenever. Tard Bottom. 1, 2, 3. Lawler tries to convince us Eddie Guerrero would have loved this match. Eugene drives away on the Dean Machine.
THE WEEPING WOLVERINE talks about Eddie. And starts crying. I’d make jokes, but the guy could rip my arm off.
Commercials. There’s a video game about 50 Cent now. Sad, really.
We flash back to Eddie winning the title from Brok Leznar and the entire crowd marking the fuck out.
TIME TO MOURN SOME GUY. TIME TO MOURN SOME GUY! HOOHOOHOOHOOHUHUH! was obviously a lot closer to Eddie than Chavo, Rey or Benoit were. Yeah, yeah, Triple H-bashing is passé, but this pisses me off. He bothers me enough that I can’t be sure I believe him when he takes a moment to concentrate, and then starts crying. Triple H: “He’s up there, and he’s lyin’ ta somebody, and he’s cheatin’ somebody.” He’s lying to Mother Theresa and cheating Gandhi.
Commercials. Is Law & Order: CI set on Coney Island? Is this about those cops who killed Fox?
EDDIE GUERRERO WAS LIKE A SON TO ME…OR AT LEAST I’M OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS FATHER AHCHACHA is out. He’s probably wrestled a bunch of those legendary ancient Guerreros we’re always hearing about, like Mando and Chavo Classic and Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl infused his Aztec spirit into Rey Misterio Junior’s skullcap. Styles: “That is a gorgeous robe! That’s not an off-the-rack job either!” I CHALLENGE YOU TO A ROBE-OFF SIRRAH has killed the guest. At long last, the much anticipated rematch to their Best of Five Marquis of Queensbury Cup Series. Oh, wait, that was Ric Flair vs Steven Regal, excuse me. Ric wants to join hands, but…nope, gotta fling the hair-sweat first. Ric wrings the arm and stuff. Regal gets him into the corner for some European uppercuts. Ric reverses with chops. Regal plays possum and sucks Ric into a kick and a European uppercut for 2. Regal sends Ric into the ropes and tries a hiptoss, but Ric turns it into an abdominal stretch. Regal unties Ric’s boot, then grabs the rope to break. Haha, Ric goes to retie his boot, and Regal kicks him in the face. Regal drops a few knees. Punching in the corner. European uppercuts. Another cover for 2. He knees Ric in the face a few times, then uppercuts him right out of the ring. Ric grabs his feet, pulls him to the floor, and gets in some chops. Now they do a really ridiculous-looking quadruple Irish whip reversal that ends with Ric gingerly wandering into the barricade. Regal sends Flair back in. Ric reverses a whip, a chops Regal as he rebounds out of the corner. Flair clips the knee a few times. I guess their time is up, because Flair slaps on the Figure-4 and Regal taps post haste.
STUPIDHO MCDUMBDUMB’s feelings are clearly the most important here. I already covered my feelings on this when talking about her hubby. She gets through her emotional interview without comparing the heroes of 9-11 to her family weathering the storm of the steroid trials, so I guess this could have been worse.
Commercials. Just call me Mark Jindrak because I don’t care anymore.
We flash back to Eddie winning the Intercontinental Title “by accident” from Mamacita. I’d forgotten all about that, and how insanely awesome Eddie was in that whole angle.
I’LL BE MISSIN’ YOU is out first in his match because tradition blows. Fan sign: “MARRY ME CENA.” Surprisingly, it’s being held by a girl. Cena’s opponent is HEY, NOTHING I CAN SAY, WAS PUT INTO A TRIBUTE TO ED-DAY (w/I FEEL THIS LOSS IN MY HEART BECAUSE EDDIE WAS NOT A FRENCHMAN.) Speaking of the Ortons, I find it kind of ironic that Taker doesn’t have to get off his ass and pay tribute to Eddie because Taker is selling being dead for a storyline. Just…weird. Coach: “That man right there boys, that man knows how to get it done!” Is he talking about Randy or Bob? I guess Bob would know how to getr’dun. Coach trots out “Doctor of Thuganomics” and claims Cena and Orton will “lead us into the future.” A bleak, dystopian future. Where absolute authority streams from Crystal Tokyo. I don’t like these guys and I’m tired. Circling to start. Headlock by Orton. Way to draw me into the match, Randy. Cena gets to his feet. Orton sends him to the ropes and catches him with a back elbow. Stomping. Cena punches back a bit. Orton thumbs him in the eye and does that weird backbreaker. Lawler makes me smile by pointing out that Jonathan F’N Coachman is criticizing the wrestling strategies of the WWE Champion. Now, Cena sucks, but it’s still funny when Lawler points this out. Orton does one of his goofy, wriggly modified ninja chokeouts. Cena sells it like a sleeper. Cena finally escapes, but wanders right into a dropkick. Orton sends Cena into the corner, runs into an elbow, and Orton falls down. Cena kinda falls on Orton. Coach, to Lawler: “You’re horrible.” Both men back up after, well, not much of anything happened to them. Cena gives Orton a shoulderblock. Clotheslines. Belly2back sit-out powerbomb. YCSM, FKS, and he pumps up the shoes. F-U, but Cowboy Bob invades. Cena fights off both men, shoves off an RKO attempt, and F-U’s Orton. Styles: “F-U! F-U! F-U!” This bullshit screwjob was FOR EDDIE! Cena lays down the retardo belt and lays an Eddie shirt on it. It’s like he’s crowing Eddie Retardo Champion of Heaven.
Final Thoughts: I wasn’t really sure how to handle this. You know, making jokes or not, being smarky about Steph’s memories getting more play than say Dean Malenko’s or even Chavo’s, etc. In the end, I’m just glad I got this over with. WV isn’t good at “sad,” methinks. Anyway, in case you weren’t aware, Eddie Guerrero ruled.
