THE HANGIN’ OUT BROTHERS: I was gonna write some stuff here about watching an indy wrestling card and playing The Warriors and trying to read the Impactbeak on Super Asia’s weird internet set-up but I’m tired and I can blog about this next week if anyone really wants me too. BM just wants to read about Arby’s anyway.
ANIME CARTOONS: Teen Titans kinda sucked. Starfire is generally better in the wacky comedy. Not pretending Russians didn’t die or whatever.
So, Christian quit. Good for him. I doubt anyone here would disagree when I say he was just too damned good for what they were using him for. I’m a little sad, because with one one-hour weekly show, he’s either not going to do much in TNA (assuming he goes there) or he’s gonna make it even harder for non-WWE castoffs to get any airtime. But I’d rather see Jay Reso interacting with D’Amore and Petey than floating around in some Smackdown midcard Hell.
Speaking of SD, according to WWE.com’s Smackdown results for last week (the only vaguely official place to find their names) that new tag team that was bumbling around outside the four-corners tag title match consists of James and Chad Dick. Seriously. Sofa, can we switch shows again?
Fan sign: “WERES STING.” He’s wresting somewhere, no doubt. Wresting oysters from Samoa Joe’s hands.
SCARY SPOOKY EVIL GENERAL MANAGER and HAIR-LIPPED ORANGUTAN come to the ring, sharing Bischoff’s music. Neither commentator note this, nor do they shush each other. Lawler says he used to be the president of Masterpiece’s fan club, but quit out of loneliness. So…he doesn’t like Masters now? Did someone in the WWE brain trust realize at least one commentator should dislike the heels? Anyway, Bischoff says we have a special Masterlock challenge tonight. LET ME GET ALL MY SHUCKY-DUCKIES IN A ROW is out first, to accompany I WILL BREAK THE MASTERLOCK WITH ANTI-GHOST STICKERS (w/CHAD DICK HEEHEE and SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I’LL KICK YOU OUT OF THE TEMPLE I SWEAR TO GOD SHINTO GOD.) Speaking of the Posse, I spent much of the drive back from Super Asia’s picturing a stony-faced Raye saying, “When we see the cherries, we figure we’re home. We’re safe.” And a gun-toting Rini saying, “This time, you got it wrong!” The Warriors. The Cherry Hill Posse doesn’t work that well as The Warriors because as many Warriors don’t make it back home there are CHP members. And Swan (whom Raye would stand in for) gets a non-Warrior love interest that confuses the issue of who Chad should be. I’m ignoring RAW itself early tonight. Call it a hunch. But yeah, RAW. Eric actually calls Rey “Rey Misterio Junior” in an act of defiance to WWE doctrine. Lawler: “Halloween…one of the few nights of the year when Teddy Long can go out and look normal!” Normal people are white. Masters has the stick. Oy. He does the “you must be this tall to get on this ride” joke bit that everyone always does. Rey just fucking hits him in the face with the mic instead of taking the challenge, which is awesome. RAW ASSHOLES attack. But Teddy Long calls SMACKDOWN ASSHOLES out of the crowd. Christian is with them, because Jay Reso is way too smart not to be a professional on the way out, covering his ass just in case. The Smackdown crew clears out the RAW crew. The RAW crew, in fairness, has dudes like Snitsky and Murdoch in it. Teddy promises to embarrass RAW on it’s own “toif.”
Commercials. I considered giving Rey a Selphie nickname, since the Angus Invitational proved nobody loves Raye and Booyaka Booyaka 619 may not be with us much longer. I decided against it because I don’t want to spopper anything for Sofa and I’m not sure were he left off in his FF8 game. He could go back to that decade-old early PS1 title and finish it at any time, you know, and I’d hate to spoil an important plot event like Selphie saying something stupid and then giggling in Esthar as opposed to in Balamb.
Hahaha, “were he left off.” WERES SOFA.
Bischoff yells at Edge and Masters. Eric: “I will not go down to Teddy Long!” I wish he’d said “with” or “on” instead of “to.” That would have been funny. Also, in my notes since I couldn’t beak this part “live,” I accidentally put “Bischoff/Edge/Snitsky segment.”
SET SAIL FOR MOUTHPIECE is heading for the ring. He is announced by Lillian Garcia, who is dressed as SKANKARELLA. Kurt has a match with ASPIRING CUB REPORTER FOR THE RISING SUN. Oh geez. Some fan with gory make-up on inspires Lawler to say, “Hey, it’s my last opponent!” Dude, I never would have guessed it was “Superstar” Bill Dundee under all that makeup. Angle does amateur stuff to start. Couple of two-counts off fireman’s carries and stuff. Tajiri chops back a bit, but wanders into a belly2belly. Kurt slaps on the Gaylock. Now he kinda rubs his elbow in Tajiri’s face, but it kinda looks like the Pit Stop. Tajiri finally chops his way out. Kurt punches away in the corner. Tajiri just lies there, thinking about news casting. Angle whips him into the opposite corner, but charges into a kick. More kicks, but Angle ducks one. Release German, but Tajiri lands on his feet and kicks Kurt down for a two count. Angle tries to punch back, but gets dropkicked in the face. Chynaese Elbow. Angle charges into the Tarantula, but Kurt pulls him out of the ropes. Ankle right into the Anglelock for a quick tap-out. Fan sign: “GAY.” Angle has THE STICK (like a penis.) Kurt doesn’t care who the third guy in the Taboo Tuesday match is, because Kurt will win. Kurt rolls the footage of Bischoff grabbing Cena’s hand and making him tap. I WASN’T TAPPING I WAS DOING THE “YOU CAN’T SEE ME” PANTOMIME BUT THE MAT GOT IN THE WAY rushes out to attack, and Kurt runs away. I’m totally sold on Taboo Tuesday now!
Commercials. Wow, live action in Leipzig, Germany in a few weeks. Oh, it’s RAW, so there will be no goose-stepping.
Was that a JBL joke or a Heidenreich joke?
We’re back. Lawler tries to make “spooky” noises, but they just sound “effeminate.” Lawler is dressed as…a slightly stupider than usual Jerry Lawler. Coach is dressed as Stone Cold, and has red makeup on his neck. NOTE NECK. Lawler: “I talked to Stone Cold earlier. He thought you dressed as a vampire! Because you suck! I don’t know what he meant by that.” They’ve been dressed like that all night, I just now bothered to note it.
At this point we hear Triple H’s entire “Why I beat up Flair” promo replayed over dramatic shots of Triple H beating up Ric Flair. What about Ric Flair’s emotional promo? Oh, instead, OH GOD I WANT YOU BAD comes out to cut another emotional promo. The game is not over, it has just begun. No more ass-kissing, time for ass-kickings. He prays to God (Dude! God is you!) that he and Triple H are in a cage tomorrow. Not having a match or anything, just in a cage.
And…that was the segment? The Triple H package was longer than Flair’s piece. Heh heh, package and piece.
Commercials. Major-pumping is still required. He was a sub-officer of General Rection. I hate it when I think of a joke and then can’t be sure I’m not actually remembering someone else having thought of it.
HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, IS GONNA MAKE ME DO THINGS A NON-CON-WAY is here. He’s the new Legend Killer, you see. Unless that’s someone wearing a really convincing Rob Conway costume for Halloween. Man, that would be like an Uber-con. Here’s footage of “Sunday Night Heat,” the show whose name makes The Cubs Fan cry. I, for one, was shocked to see Koko B. Ware job. I’m pretty sure that’s the first loss of his entire career. Hahaha. Oh God I’m funny. Anyway, I ENJOY THE CURRENT WWE PRODUCT is Conway’s opponent. Eugene. I’m bitchy tonight. Eugene has been saving various legends from Conway beatings on Heat as of late. Their long-running internet feud ends tonight. Eugene said some really nasty things about Conway at The Smart Marks Forum. Eugene spazzes out early, downing Conway in the corner. He slams Conway’s head into the top turnbuckle a few times, then gives him a lifting chokehold slam. Conway flees outside and grabs a chair, but Eugene knocks it away. Conway slides back in and is on his feet stomping Eugene as Eugene follows behind him. Conway has Eugene in the corner for punchings. Conway poses and drops an elbow. Conway puts Eugene into the corner for more punching. He then walks into an elbow, but powerslams Eugene when Eugene charges him. Paintbrushings by Conway. Only Eugene would think those were real. Eugene Tards-Up, and starts punching away. Trying for the Stunner, but Conway pushes off. Conway just wanders right into the Tard Bottom, though. Conway gets a foot on the ropes, breaking the count. Conway rolls outside, grabs a chair, and smashes Eugene in the head for the DQ. A beatdown commences, but EVERYBODY COME ABOARD THE HOOOOOOOO…*FORGETS TO SAY TRAIN* is coming to save! Along with ALL YOU DIVAS BETTER RECOGNIZE and STU-STU-STUPID GUY. That’s Duggan, Kamala and Snuka. I’m getting really tired of Snuka for some reason. It feels like we can’t go more than a month without a shocking surprise appearance by this legend who…I guess stopped doing stuff like three days before I started watching WWE. I don’t remember him from my childhood at all and WWE montages make it look like his career consisted of jumping off of a cage into a coconut Piper left waiting for him. Anyway, Duggan gets a 2x4 shot, and a scoop slam. Kamala get his running splash while Snuka carefully climbs up top. We cut away to IT’S NOT ANAHEIM STATE, IT’S ANAHEIM TECH, AM I RIGHT?, now wearing a Burger King mask, just cramming the “have it your way” catchphrase into the proceedings against it’s will before jogging to the ring looking retarded. Retardeder than usual. After like a minute, Snuka finally gets his balance enough to the his splash. Lawler does his top-rope fist-drop. They play Lawler’s theme. Jerry “The King” Lawler is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
Was it clear when I said Eugene said something at The Smart Marks Forum that I meant that forum is for retarded people?
Coach: “Whew! We’ll I’ll tell you what!” And…he gets cut off by IF YOU WERE MADE OF SWEET TEA, WOULDJA DRINK YOURSELF??? Thanks, Mideon. Todd is dressed as Orville Redenbacher and talking like Will Ferrell. Haha, no. He’s doing Harry Carey. You know how Harry Carey died? He committed seppuku. I WAS NEVER REALLY A SUPERHERO IT WAS ALL AN ELABORATE HELMS wanders by, stands there looking disgusted, and wanders off. Assuming he ever does anything again ever, I’m digging Helms’ new *stares at you like he cannot believe how fucking awful you are* character. CURRENTLY WORKING ON TALES FROM WRESCAL LANE 2 IN WHICH THE DUDLEYS STEAL KANE’S MASK AND INEXPLICABLY DISAPPEAR thinks Todd is doing “The Church Lady.” I mean, impersonating her, not, you know, doing her.
And now for a weird interlude. It’s Tuesday, and I’ve looked over a few other reports on this RAW and everybody seems upset that the stupid Todd joke is Todd doing Will Ferrell doing Harry Carey. I figured everyone was being stupid. If an overblown caricature of how Harry Carey talks would sound like that, and I wouldn’t really know since I’ve never heard the actual dead guy speak, how can Todd Grisham’s caricature of Harry Carey not sound a lot like Will Ferrell’s? But then Jon Hunt made the same complaint as these recappers, forcing me to consider it more carefully. The only conclusion I’ve been able to draw is that the WWE is so awful right now that we’re forced to second-guess pretty much everything they do because we have no faith in their ability to communicate anything. Now back to semi-live rebeaking.
Commercials. I hope Jak comes in second, third, fourth, or what have you. Hey, the ad never said he lives if he comes in first, come to think of it. Maybe no matter what you do, Jak dies. Best Jak game ever.
Our Wrangler of the Wrangle is Foley getting kicked in the nads and bespitted in the face. This segues into I SPIT IN THE FACE, OF OH FORGET IT in the ring with no Cabana set, no guest, and little if any enthusiasm. He wonders aloud if he will face Mankind, Dude Love or Cactus Jack. Cactus Jack vs Apple Jack. It doesn’t matter who he faces, because the face the fans should care about is the cool face with the big fro. IT DOESN’T MATTER, WHAT MY FACE IS appears on the Titantron as Dude Love, then Cactus Jack, and then Mankind. I remember having really enjoyed Dude Love back in the day, but Foley’s current eh-ness is still in effect. Cactus Jack manages to be really lame. Mankind…is even worse. He raps, and not as well as Short-sleeve Sampson. Rhyming “Carlito” with “neato” and “Speedo” and…pulling out Mr. Socko and…ugh. I was thinking about this (very briefly) earlier and wondering if Foley would pull-out all the stops if the fans voted for Cactus Jack and give us a sweet-ass match. And…I kinda hope Cactus Jack doesn’t win, because there’s still some luster to that legend and everything about this payperview will be horrible. Coachman inexplicably gets on the mic before Carlito can respond or just frickin’ leave to announce that he (Coach) is going to the ring to await the arrival of Stone Cold. Boy, I’m really psyched for this payperview, lemmie tell ya.
Commercial. I thought those @ things were ampersands, but now I’m thinking that an ampersand is one of those & things. Some people calls those @ things “at signs” but that can’t be right, can it?
Carlito is gone. Lucky guy. Coach says “Oh Stone Cold,” pauses, then says “come out come out wherever you are.” I totally thought he was gonna say “come out to plaaaaaayaaaaa” for a second. Now…why the fuck is WELL THEY CALL HIM THE UNNATURAL, UNNATURAL here? Golddust is out, with the letterboxed entrance and everything. The crowd doesn’t give a shit. Here’s a fun G-Brotherz in-joke for you to share in. Dustin’s old “Natural” theme in WCW had the line, “He looks to the future, but he remembers the past, he is proof that the American Dream still lasts.” We had several weird revisions to that line, but almost all of them stemmed from me accidentally saying “he remembers the future.” Well, it was funny if you were there. Coach explains that Austin once shoved Golddust in a port-a-potty (sounds like something he’d do) and therefore Golddust is backing Coach up. Golddust…doesn’t even get to talk. Nor did anyone find the footage of that toilet incident to give us, well, any reason to be interested in Golddust as a foe of Austin’s. Instead, I DON’T SEE THE PURPOSE OF PORT-A-POTTIES IN A WORLD FULL OF PANTS interrupts. He says Austin was in some kind of mystery accident (involving not wanting to job) and therefore Coach wins by forfeit. Austin said “I’m walking out on this match” in a hilarious backstage adlib. EDIT: Ah shit, Sofa beat me to that joke. BACK TO REALTIME: Now Vince says that Raw’s #1 announcer must face Smackdown’s #1 announcer, THAT GUY WHO WEARS A SMACKDOWN SHIRT TO REMIND PEOPLE HE STILL WORKS FOR SMACKDOWN. I very, very briefly envisioned Tazz coming out, and had an even briefer, less cool but more hilarious vision of Coach battling Michael Cole in a Street Fight. It is, of course, Funaki. Why is any of this happening? Funaki hits the ring and gets the stick. He declares himself “Smackdown #1 announcer,” but Coach attacks. Golddust then attacks before we can really note whether Coach’s offense has any effect on Funaki past surprising him. Golddust with…some move I’ve never seen him use before that several recaps I’ve read assumed was the Curtain Call. Shit, maybe it was, I watched this part last night and I don’t feel like going back. Funaki gets kicked out of the ring. I wonder if Sofa cares enough to be angry? I’m pretty much past that point with Funaki, but at the height of my love for Kaientai I was less emotionally invested than The Boss. Vince congratulates Golddust and the Coach on beating Funaki. Couldn’t they be airing anything else right now? Coach’s balls are all inflated, so he challenges Vince to find any Smackdown superstar to face him. Sigh. LET’S HAVE SOME COFFEE IN MY PIT OF ANGER’s music plays. I know Dave’s theme music has the words “pit of anger” in it, but the line before that is an Evolutionesque mystery. So…did Austin walk out like, four seconds before they went to air? What the fuck is this? Batista comes to the ring. Lawler: “What does this mean! I think Coach may have let that alligator mouth overload his hummingbird rear-end now!” What? Dave stands outside the ring looking all cool and building up even more anticipation for this showdown between these long-time rivals. Batista gets in the ring. Coach tries a cheapshot on Batista. *Shakes head.* Dave attax. Golddust attax Batista. SNUH is here. WHY? For those of you who didn’t read Correspondent-W’s Vader entry, “SNUH” refers to Vader. And while I you’re your attention, why are you reading this and not that? Batista overpowers Golddust. Golddust and Batista continue to fight as Vader just stands there because somebody was off with their cues or he took too long to reach the ring and they had to adlib or something. Vader finally eat-attacks Batista, then holds him up so Coach can slap him. Coach, Vader and Golddust leave. Vader just falls the fuck over for no reason. Oh my God. That was the perfect ending. He clearly says a swear too. Wow.
Commercials. I have no idea what to say about any of this. EDIT: Coming back to this after reading a bunch of other recaps, I’d like to point out that most of the guys who get their recaps up within twenty minutes of the show ending missed Vader falling over entirely, but Scaia seems to think Vader spent that entire segment in a state of befallenness and was only sporadically upright. I saw him fall once, and it barely squeezed a laugh out of me since I was still in shock at how awful this was. This is, like, e-fed booking bad. Also, most of the recapping community made jokes about how much weight Vader has gained. Gone is the svelte Vader I remember from…uh…never.
The WWE in Australia. By this time next year, they’ll be doing shows on Neptune to find people who still want to see them. And she just wants to fondle the divas anyway, ahchacha.
TIME TO BLAME THE GAME is out. And…crap, he’s wrestling THE SHITTIER HALF OF A TEAM THAT CONTAINS VAL GODDAMNED VENIS. That bullet I dodged last week has ricocheted back at me. Kane the Longshot is trying to kill me. Triple H pulls the top rope up into Viscera’s crotch when Viscera is stepping into the ring. Trips punches and does some elbow off the turnbuckle and punches some more. Pedigree. 1, 2, 3. Man, if Viscera can beat The Heartthrobs by himself, Triple H could probably kill them just by looking directly at them. Triple H hits Viscera with the steel steps after the match, knocking Viscera into the crowd. I wonder how Lillian Garcia feels about this? I have to wonder because no one else does. Trips has the stick. He talks. You don’t really care what he says, do you?
Commercials. Look, I know nobody here likes Sailor Moon especially, but I’m sure there’s something else I could be rebeaking and that’s the only non-WWE show I ever recapped on the web. Maybe I could tweak Moonbeaks for this audience. It hardly matters if you haven’t seen the episode of Sailor Moon in question, as half the people reading this aren’t actively watching RAW anyway. You think anybody would read weekly rebeaks of Sailor Moon R if I kept giving Sailor Mars Rey Misterio-related nicknames? I could also pretend Sailor Jupiter is constantly accompanied by Edge.
Apparently, WWE RAW was the top-rated show last week. Amongst people who fell asleep watching whichever Law and Order is on before this.
Tyson Tomko was magically added to Taboo Tuesday as Conway’s partner against Eugene and whoever. Torrie Wilson has vanished from the Diva Match, and her spot on the heel team has been inexplicably filled by babyface Maria. Later online news updates reveal she is still with the company, but out of Taboo Tuesday. I don’t care. I don’t dislike her enough to want her gone, especially. It would be good in a very vague, “somebody just as bad will go heel to fill in for her” kind of way. Now Golddust and Vader are in the Coachman/Batista graphic. Lawler betrays his own confusion by not knowing if they’re in the match or not.
IF I WERE FUNNY, WOULDJA LAUGH??? and WHEN I SAY CENA, YOU SAY WEINA, CENA, *HOLDS OUT MICROPHONE* disgust me. Cena notes that his current rapper persona stems from the Halloween on Smackdown where he dressed as Vanilla Ice. It’s kind of cool that he’d reference that, actually. I’m sure it was his idea since there’s no goddamned way anyone in WWE creative has a fucking clue what was going on on Smackdown three years ago. Cena forces Grisham to do his Harry Carey impression, then disses it by thinking he’s Barbara Bush. Then Orville Redenbacher (aw shit.) Cena then cuts an “intense promo” that makes me want to “stop watching” and grab some “Halloween candy.”
Commercials. Does the Fire Emblem fighting tutorial feature your guy beating up bums that the rest of The Warriors lured into a pen with promises of booze? Unlikely.
Coach: “It’s the Halloween version of Bizarro World!” This show is making me want to cry. Smackdown pissed away Christian and it’s still a better show. WHO KNOWS WHAT THROBS LURK IN THE HEARTS OF MEN? are out, wearing mysterious black masks. Lawler doesn’t recognize them, even though their music was just playing. They are apparently dressed as “Batman and…Batman.” The joke is neither one wanted to be Robin, but the commentators kind of ignore it and the masks really didn’t make me think of Batman at all and points for effort but the Throbs are in no position to stop or even slow the descent of this show. Coach: “I hope someone…destroys these two!” What the fuck? First Lawler attacked Conway, and now Coach hates on the Throbs? At least when Russo was booking, allegiances shifted every show because Russo thought that was exciting, and not because he wasn’t aware at any point of who was supposed to like who. The HT’s opponents are HOW DO YOU LIKE MY JABBA THE HUT COSTUME and I LOST THE LEGAL RIGHT TO WEAR MASKS IN THAT ONE MATCH WITH TRIPLE H WHERE EVERYONE KIND OF FORGOT THE KATIE VICK ANGLE BUT WE WERE ENEMIES ANYWAY. This is under Texas Tornado rules. Just kick me right in the goddamned nuts, RAW. Show and Kane try to one-up each other with slaps, then dueling Snake-eyes. Big Show fatvalanches Antonio. Kane fatvalanches Romeo. Show switches off, puts Romeo up top, and superplexes him. Kane better not try to do that or he’ll get more injured than he already got. Haha, indeed, he goes for a big boot and his top-rope clothesline instead of a superplex. Kane clotheslines Romeo to the floor. Show: “That was my guy!” Hahaha, ok, that was funny. Show goes outside and press-slams Romeo back in over the top. Coach: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this before!” Well, ok, I guess Show never did it to Romeo in this particular arena with Kane watching before. Each big fat hateful dickface chokeslams a Heartthrob for a pair of simultaneous 3-counts.
Here’s another “day after” note. Most of the writers on the “serious” wrestling websites have no idea which Heartthrob is which and most were surprised they are still around. I don’t know if I should feel proud that our wacky site actually demonstrates more product knowledge than most or sad that whatever competence and skill we have is being dedicated to keeping track of The Heartthrobs.
Some diva or other is dressed skankily and paws at the camera. They’ll do something…next!
It was Candice Michelle. Upon rereading this, it was unwise to pretend not to know which diva was which for comedy purposes when I just got done bragging about how well I know Romeo and Antonio.
Commercials. That Jay Reso is a smart guy.
Taboo Tuesday press conference. The fans chant “Taboo.” It’s a good thing they’re outdoors, or a confused Sabu might turn out the lights, show up, and stand there for a while.
DO NOT QUESTION ME, I KNOW DR. ANGUS is hosting the Divas Halloween Costume Contest. I doubt very seriously that this will be as good as Jamie Noble and his twelve-dollar rented tux (which was good) or Tazz getting pushed into caramel (which wasn’t good but will be better than this.) THE DIVA SEARCH CONTESTANT I PICKED OUT IN HER VERY FIRST APPEARANCE AS THE ONE I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO SEE WIN is in some kinda “Dark Angel” costume which is basically an angel costume with black wings. COMICALLY RETARDED…KIND OF A SEXY EUGENE is…a regular angel. SOME DIVA OR OTHER is Catwoman. Lawler: “She looks purrrrrfect!” No Jerry, that line is what’s perfect. I can hardly believe that in the decades that Catwoman has existed as a character, no one has ever used that line before. TORI I MEAN PATTI PIZZAZZ I MEAN MICKEY JAMES is dressed as Trish Stratus, and our commentators way over-sell how creepy that is. I mean, it IS Halloween. No one would accuse Batista of being a stalker if he dressed up as Eddie in a Halloween segment. *STARES MENACINGLY WHILE SWINGING AROUND A BASEBALL BAT* is dressed as a motherfucking Baseball Fury! She wins. I guess her uniform represents an enemy of Local Sports Team. THE LANA STAR TO MICKEY’S PATTI PIZZAZZ BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE LANA WAS A HEEL OH MAN I AM SO SICK OF NICKNAMING THESE GIRLS is dressed as Wonder Woman. Dawn was better. Mickey apes Trish’s poses. Lawler asks Mickey if she’s dressed as Trish Stratus. You know, in case Maria hadn’t put it together yet. Mickey freaks out when the fans cheer for anyone other than Trish. Victoria: “Mickey, why don’t you just calm your little ass down?” Mickey attax, ducks a bat swing, and kicks Victoria out of the ring. She did not say “I’m gonna stick that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle,” or whatever it is that Ajax says before taking out that one Fury to save Cowboy. They have names, it turns out. Da Warriors. The ladies who were just watching in the background all attack Candice for no reason. Victoria returns and tosses Mickey. Trish kicks Victoria out of the ring again. The crowd doesn’t know what the fuck is going on and just sits there in bored silence. Personally, I’m really interested in Taboo Tuesday now. How will Candice, Victoria and Maria function as a team now that Maria helped their foes in a playful Candice beatdown? The tension is just killing me.
They're not a team? Oh. Honestly didn't realize that.
Commercials. It’s ten to eleven. Hang in there, JG.
SADLY, I CAN’T SEE HIM LOSING THE TITLE is out first because tradition, much like John Cena, blows. I WRITE THE BOOKS, THAT DRIVE THE GIRLS WILD should write a book. Shawn Michaels: Uncut. It would be about his penis. Look, I’m tired, all right? HBK is out second because he’s, well, a bigger star than Cena. Handshake, but HBK immediately chops. Punches exchanged. Staredown. Lockup, HBK goes to a hammerlock. Lawler thinks HBK might have a technical wrestling advantage, but the speed advantage goes to Cena. He’s half right. “You tapped out” chant!? Thank you, crowd. I hate to channel Scott Keith, but I honestly feel the crowd has completely turned on the show at this point. Hey, I don’t like Austin, but if you promise the fans Austin, then deliver Golddust and a falling-over Vader (neither of whom even got to talk) you’re guaranteed a pissed-off crowd. HBK sent to the ropes, but he shoulderblocks Cena down and slaps on another headlock. Oh, uh, he’d gone for a headlock earlier. Going back to Lawler’s analysis, you can’t go down the “speed vs technique vs power vs etc” road when putting over Cena because Cena sucks at everything. Cena escapes the headlock somehow but Shawn puts it back on. This is better than Dusty vs Cowboy Bob, anyway. Super Asia was seriously not kidding when he said Dusty stood there for over ten minutes in an armbar and not using his free hand to punch out of it. Cena sends HBK to the ropes, they do a runny-aroundy sequence, and HBK is sent out…no, he skins the cat, but Cena clotheslines him down. The crowd BOOS Cena like mad. Cena goes on offense with shoulderblocks and shit. Coachman acknowledges that the fans have openly turned on Cena. HBK flees to the floor, Cena follows, and HBK takes over on Cena when Cena follows him back into the ring. Chopping away in the corner. HBK sent to the corner for his uber-Flair Flip. HBK ducks whatever and gets a DDT for 2. I think it was a DDT and I’m not rewatching any more than I have to. HBK drops a few elbows. A “Cena” chant starts as somebody woke up the twelve-year-olds. HBK sends Cena to the corner and Cena falls down. Cena whipped to the ropes, and HBK slaps on a Cena. Fucker. At least this is easy to rebeak. But guys, seriously, there’s this one episode in the R season where the Scouts are attacked by this Pastry Monster that shoots icing and it’s really pretty damned funny. Especially when Darien first notices that innocent people have been covered in vanilla frosting and…oh, shit, Cena escaped the sleeper. Clotheslines aplenty. Cena hits that one move. YCSM, brushing off the shoulder, FKS. This is when he used to pump up the shoes. F-U, but HBK slips out. Flying Burrito, wait for it wait for it, kip up. Inverted atomic drop. Clotheslines aplenty by HBK. Scoop slam (I wish it was over) and HBK goes up. When will Kurt run in, I wonder? Cena avoids the Macho Elbow. Naptime. Yeah, so, Darien says, “That can’t be a good sign!” all dramatically over a shot of people who have been turned into frosted statues by an evil Negamonster and it’s just…oh wait, here’s EUGENE DESIGNED MY MOUTHPIECE. He attacks HBK, but Cena attacks Angle. Cena sets Angle up for the F-U, but HBK superkicks Cena when he turns around. That was supposed to be heelish, which is why it’s a shame the fans are chanting “HBK.” Shawn takes the title belt and holds it. Odd that he doesn’t cover Cena since I don’t remember the ref calling for the bell at any point. Or, maybe he did, what the fuck do I care. HBK spins the retardo spinner. That’s a new euphemism for Chucking the Palumbo. This ending kind of amuses me because I was reading either 411 or IP for news jacked from the real sites, and there was an article about how the McMahons were super-pissed last year because rumors were leaked to the internet about who the McMahons wanted the fans to vote for. Yeah, I can’t imagine who they want wrestling in the main event against Cena and who they want winning a goofy tag squash from just watching the show.
Final Thoughts: I probably could have hammered this out late last night but I wanted to sort of let the show sit on my consciousness so I could write a really compelling final thought. No, seriously, I did. I wanted to come up with a way to really sum up what was wrong here and just how fucked up the WWE is. But I didn’t spend enough down-time in the truck to just mull this over at any great length, and everything I came up with was just generic smart-mark bitching. It was all valid, it just wasn’t anything you couldn’t read somewhere else in shorter, less complicated sentences. The funniest thought I had about how badly this RAW and the Taboo Tuesday it is trying to set up fell apart surrounds Steve Austin. I haven’t been a fan of his since he turned face after the inVasion, and he obviously isn’t the root cause of the RAW brand’s shittiness, but clearly him walking out on them is behind some of the specific lameness here (notably the Smackdown champ being ported over to RAW to battle an announcer and his sudden, random help from the Island of Misfit Gimmicks.) So, I got to thinking about how many times Steve has walked out (2) and how many times plans were changed because he threatened to walk out (uncertain but likely more than 2.) And I got to thinking about how many times the Ultimate Warrior walked out (2) and how many times plans were changed because he threatened to walk out (same as with Austin.) Warrior is now, of course, portrayed by WWE as the biggest shithead in wrestling history and a coward for not helping to promote a DVD about what a loser he is. So of course where I’m going with this is that Austin is in a position to be vilified in a “Self-destruction of the Rattlesnake” DVD somewhere down the line. Why not? He’s certainly not too big of a star to get that treatment, not when you remember how ungodly huge a star Warrior was at one time. The only thing that might make a Steve Austin self-destruction DVD an impossibility at this point is that Vince McMahon’s supposed awesomeness as an on-screen performer (and to a lesser extent, the other McMahons’ supposed awesomeness) is tied-in with Austin. So pissing on Austin takes McMahon down a peg too. Except then I thought about it some more and realized they could revise history so McMahon as an incredible heel is why the now worthless Austin was so popular as a face. Kinda like how during Hogan’s WCW run the WWE had it that Piper was what made Hogan so hot. That lasted until Piper went to WCW. It’s all very Orwellian. And more depressing than it is funny, come to think of it. Nevermind.
