ANIME: Anime sucks now. So does wrestling. What do they want me to do, get a life of my own or something? I’m taking an accounting course, that isn’t an option right now!
IT WASN’T US, IT WAS DEM. DA WEEKEND WARRIORS: I have nothing but positive things to say about the Velociheatbeak. Even if I was allowed to say negative things to/about Boobermonkeys, I would not in this case.
EVERYBODY PACKED? If all goes as planned, I’ll be visiting Maven Country this coming weekend to attend a live wrestling event with Lil’ Bro. And I’ll be bringing a copy of the PS2 version of The Warriors. It will be difficult to pull ourselves away to watch the independent wrestling show, but Piper’s Pit will feature both Hebners! They’ll be selling bootleg T-shirts, no doubt. Because it is a non-WWE wrestling event, I fully expect Jeff Jarrett to invade with wacky spaceman music. Seeing as I’ll never finish that goddamned CYOA (and if I do my laptop will surely die the day I try to post it,) I’ll give away a joke. When your team visits Planet Jarrett, Sailor Jarrett (I haven’t decided if that’s Debra, Gail Kim, or Jeff in a sailor suit) hits you with a gee-tar while screaming “ON BEHALF OF THE PLANET JARRETT, I’M GONNA COOK ME UP SOME TATERS!”
Last week, Coach and Lawler avoided being fired or having Linda’s foot waved in the general direction of their genitals. Though, seriously, what a stupid way to do away with such a long-running character. I hope Hulk Hogan’s final appearance ever on WWE TV is him tripping and falling into a manhole.
I DESTROYED DUBBYA CEE DUBBYA, TIME TO DESTROY RAW opens the show. I just now noticed how all the McMahons (minus Shane, the top-secret reserve they can still make a babyface if they want since he HASN’T SAID A GODDAMNED WORD SINCE “RETURNING”) only show up on RAW and don’t seem to give a shit about Smackdown. I’ll forgo the “and who can blame them” jokes because I’m souring on Carlito (sour like apples ahahaha) and Smackdown still has one or two guys I like. Though I’d surely be souring on them if I was forced to pay attention to their performances. Still, I’ll take Batista vs Eddie over Cena vs Bischoff any damned day, and don’t get me started on TNA. Don’t get me started because I’m confused about my womany feelings. I’m kinda digging TNA even though on paper Jarrett and Assorted Cowboys vs Kevin Nash and Team 3-D should be the worst uppercard in the history of the world. It reads Team Challenge Series shitty. But somehow it’s good. Wait until the faces get their comeuppance, then it will suck. Anyway, they must have a PACKED show tonight, because we don’t even get a full verse of Vince’s theme. Taboo Tuesday in only two weeks? Shouldn’t they have started promoting that by now? Anyway, Vince makes fun of the fans for not storming the ring and stopping Linda from firing Jim Ross. Vince knows what color JR’s eyes are. Vince: “By the way, there’s a reason JR’s eyes are brown.” It’s got something to do with pigment in the iris, doesn’t it? Now he talks about how awesome it was when Linda put on “her best Southern accent.” Wow. I’d hate to hear her half-assing a performance. Now Vince says Stone Cold won’t be here tonight but if he is Vince will personally whoop his ass. Yawn. The fans chant “asshole.” Vince: “Stop telling me what you think of your hometown, come on.” At least “I am rubber, you are glue” would have made sense. Now we see a video of some highlights from JR’s career. It has dramatic piano music and starts with some standard shots of JR waving to the fans, but then it turns into Coach on offense in the infamous “Country Whippin’” match, Hassan (or maybe Vince…someone in a suit) choking JR with his own tie, Triple H throwing piston punches on JR, Hassan decking JR, that time the Undertaker randomly forced JR onto his knees and rubbed his forehead against Vince McMahon’s right ass cheek, Kane setting the JR dummy on fire (just a smidge better than Coach whippin’ JR, it would be a thousand times better with the mind-blowingly awesome audio of JR’s “screams,”) Bischoff breaking a cinderblock over JR’s head (in a particularly boring Teen Titans episode,) someone forcing JR to drink beer, and then last week. That will probably be the highlight of this show. Vince now introduces the new lead announcer for RAW, and he totally forgets Coach’s name for a second. COACH D’AMORE comes out wearing a cowboy hat. Vince: “Wait a minute, he, he, he’s good ol’ Coach! Look at the hat, he’s good ol’ Coach!” Um…good ol’ JC, maybe? Jesus Christ. Hahaha. That was the first time Coach got his theme played on-air in a long-ass time. It got as far as “She try’na figure out how old Ric be and more” before they cut it off. She being, of course, Pebbles. Coach cuts a brief heel promo. At one point, he paused for a second and some fan yelled “SHUT UP” really, really loudly.
We cut to backstage, where Vince is wandering away, confident that RAW’s new lead announcer…whatever his name is…will do well. I THINK THE NEW VOICE OF RAW SHOULD BE SCREAMING GUTTERSLUTS invades, wanting to know what he has to do to get a title-shot. STAND BACK, THERE’S A WWE.COM EXCLUSIVE COMING THOUGH jumps in, slightly before the goofy sound effect. Hurricane: “Citizen McMahon!” Vince: “You’re a little late on the sound effect but go ahead.” Hurricane…stands there for a second. Ah, I detect HILARIOUS MCMAHON AD-LIBBING! Poor Hurricane just plows ahead with his lines when it’s clear he has no way to incorporate what Vince threw in. See, that same thing is part of why I hate Stone Cold. He says “funny” things that weren’t part of whatever loose script they work off of and the other person just stares at him. Yes, that’s part of why I hate Austin. I also hate him for more general awfulness. Anyway, Hurricane is likely not ad-libbing when he says: “Due to my hurri-respect for you, I have to tell you this. Good ol’ JR was the voice of RAW. However, that calculating conniving callous Coach contemplates and conspires to be the main commentator on RAW? WAZZUPWITDAT?” Wow, I hate Vince even more now that I read Hurricane’s nightmarishly difficult line. Anyway, Vince just yells “Sick him Kurt, sick him!” Angle attacks Hurricane. He drags Hurricane out to ringside and beats him up. Coach: “You’d better settle in, because this one is sure…” And…he trails off. The new voice of RAW, ladies and gentlemen. He throws him in the ring. And beats him up. Hurricane fires back with a few punches. Coachman screams “the heart of a lion” like three times. He’s supposed to be mocking JR, but I don’t remember JR using that much. Ankle eventually gets the Anglelock. Hurricane taps out because that will help somehow. The Horde O’ Refs (TM) pull him off. His music plays. He is THE NEW WINNER OF VINCE MCMAHON’S AFFECTIONS.
This week, Carlito’s Cabana will feature Mick Foley. Christ. Next week on Carlito’s Cabana, some used Kleenex.
Commercials. Guy A: “What do you think of your hometown?” Guy B: “Asshole.”
I learned later than Hurricane turned HEEL during the commercial break in a wwe.com exclusive. I wish I was making this up.
I SHOULD ALSO BE FIRED SQUEEEEEAL! shows up late for whatever reason. He wonders if Coach is perhaps mocking JR.
Meanwhile, THE NEW HOST OF WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY AFTER DREW CARREY IS FIAHRED wants to know if I’D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT BREAKING A CINDERBLOCK OVER JR’S HEAD MAN…THAT WAS PRETTY AWESOME thought it was cool when he said “sick him Kurt, sick him!” Eric’s like: “Um…yeah.” More or less. Vince wants Eric to announce some incredible and completely innovative matches for Taboo Tuesday. Eric makes some shitty 3-way pitting Cena against Angle against one of a couple of hundred shitty dudes who will be whittled down to 3 crappy guys the fans vote on. This is nice, last year the champ was competent to put on some kinda match with whoever was picked by the fans, but this year they need to engineer a 3-way so Cena can at least have Angle to work with. The actual way it works (why in Heaven’s name am I breaking this down?) is that Carlito and HBK will wrestle, Big Show and Edge will wrestle (Vince: “That’s competitive!”) and there will be some shitty rumble tonight that the returning Kane will win. So the winner of those 3 matches will be candidates. Yeah, no wonder they need Kurt. Can you imagine if Cena and Kane had to improvise a payperview main event? Vince, of course, acts like this is the most brilliant idea ever.
THIS WILL BE COMPETITIVE! (w/LIKE WHEN MINA AND I WERE TRYING TO WIN THE SAME GUY BUT HE TURNED OUT TO BE MARRIED IN A SHOCKING TWIST ENDING?) somehow magically knew Bischoff was about to spontaneously have this Edge/Show match idea. The sound guys also magically knew, as did Lillian Garcia. You know…wrestling is kinda fakey. COMPETITIVE? I WANTED IT TO BE TANGY AND CRUNCHY AND SWEET is now too goddamned fat to wrestle without a shirt on. Wait, nevermind, he takes it off. Sexy. Oh, stay tuned for exclusive footage of Doom after RAW. It’s just too bad you won’t read this until after then. I’m sorry if I cost you the chance to see exclusive footage of Doom. Show tosses Edge to the floor. Coach says Show’s hands are as big as hamhocks, and Lawler suddenly gets pissy about how that kind of mindless hemming and hawing is unworthy of a RAW commentator. Lawler: “Is this your, analytical…analysis?” Yeah, show him how it’s done, Jerry. Lawler gets annoyed again when Coach discusses slobberknockers. Edge comes back into the ring and does some punching but gets no-sold and tossed to the floor again. Let’s go to a commercial break before the compelling drama between Coach and Lawler becomes too much to bear.
Commercials. Digital Dan digital sucks. Oh yeah, I went there. Wait, is his name Digital Dan?
Show shushes us, but Edge goes to the eyes before he can attack! HAHAHA. The crowd boos. A wwe.com exclusive (HOW AM I SEEING IT!? AHHHH!) legdrop is shown. I missed how the big shushing slap is set up again, but it is. Edge goes to the floor. Coach calls Lita a “jezebel.” Edge…kinda throws himself at the stairs, but then Show charges into them too. Back in the ring, and Edge stomps away until Show casually pulls his leg out of his leg. Armbar by Edge. It goes on forever and a day before Show gets tired of resting and armdrags out. Lita tries to attack Show, but he ignores her until Edge sneak attacks. Show…shoves Edge off, then meanders into a boot. Tornado DDT off the second rope by Edge for 2. Edge with some other armlock. I didn’t bother to report some Edge slamming Show’s arm across the ropes before. I can’t do justice to this psychology. Anyway, Show eventually powers out of the stupid armhold and Edge is kinda vaguely backdropped kinda. I haven’t seen it in a while, but I’m pretty sure the guy Lita and Mina both liked was married, which is insane because they both thought they had a shot with him and they’re supposed to be like fifteen or sixteen. Edge wanders right into the Goozle, but he slips out of the chokeslam. Edge trying for whatever his finisher is, but Show pitches him off. Show charges, but Edge dropkicks his knee and he runs into the turnbuckles. Edge goes up for THE STUPID, jumping right into a Goozle. Edge…shoves the ref and then throws a low-blow to escape. Edge with the weakest-looking spear I have ever seen. Coach: “GORE! GORE! GORE!” THAT WAS HEYMAN YOU IDIOT! And he never did it for Edge. Show kicks out at 2. Edge gets a chair, and the ref takes it but it was all a distraction so Lita could slip him the briefcase. JIPPITY BOPPITY LOO music is playing on the intercom! When you hear the moo, it’s time for the…poo? JBL does not appear however. This was a trick by the brilliant tactician Paul E. Dangerously, who is known for playing the entrance music of big lugs to distract people. And who I coincidentally just mentioned a minute ago. Edge turns right into a chokeslam. Show wins. Oh God, can you imagine Cena vs Big Show? Wait, that match has actually happened. It was better than I thought it would be. I can tell because my eyes have not been clawed out.
Fans buy Wrestlemania tickets and yell a lot. I guess it’s already sold out. IT SOLD OUT, IT SOLD OUT.
Commercials. BowFlexDirect is pitched by some really gay bodybuilder named Chad Martin. Sometimes, Chad Martin notices Raye’s friend Mina visiting the Temple. He proceeds to yell YO MINAAAAA! DAYOM! Then he gets slapped by Raye. And deservedly so.
Check RAW Magazine to find out “what lethal new games” Triple H has planned. Candyland. POISONED Candyland! Alternate joke, singing: You can be a winner at the Game of Death!
YOU AIN’T GETTING’ MY BRIEFCASE MONEY JBL (w/I MAY BE AWFUL BUT I DON’T HAVE A FAKE GROWTH ON MY FACE) yell at THE INNOVATOR OF INNOVATION, who says this is all Edge’s fault for calling JBL out last week. I…don’t really remember that. Edge says he will go to Smackdown next week. To get attacked by Matt, duh.
MAN, RAW IS HEAVY. MY BACK DOESN’T THINK THIS IS COOL is carrying RAW with the Cabana. Sadly, he’s been almost as unfunny as my nickname as of late. Carlito says he will beat Shawn Michaels tonight and that that is cool. Now he wants to show us a picture of something that isn’t cool. It’s a still of JR. Carlito: “Look at that kisser!” MRS FOLEY’S BORING BOY invades. No one disrespects still-shots of JR’s mouth on his watch. Lawler and Coach both say “Mrs. Foley’s baby boy!” Foley makes fun of Carlito’s hair. “But I’m not here to talk about cool things!” Oh man, I was hoping he’d pimp Mr. Freeze Freezer Bars. I SMELLELLELLELLA BRAINS appears on the ZombieTron to be boring. Linda, on JR: “We wish you nothing but the best in all of your future endeavors.” She also tells Mick to “have a nice day.” Fans: “That’s not cool! That’s not cool!” Carlito puts an arm on Foley’s shoulder. Carlito: “Let’s face it, JR’s gone. Now he’s just an out of shape, unemployed loser.” Pause. “Just like you!” ZING! Carlito wants to know what it’s like to be so uncool. Mick: “I’m not sure I even wanna be cool! Now, I know you normally spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool, but hear me out here!” I kinda had to laugh because he got the wording exactly right. And then…he kinda doesn’t go anywhere. Carlito goes to spit apple on him, but Foley evades by blathering about eating produce/producing in the ring, and then he secures his victory by saying “have a nice day” and summoning his theme music. Kind of an unimpressive Cabana win.
Commercials. The Burger King plays football. Test his urine for drugs. His eyes are bulging out way too much for it to just be coffee. BK Joe must have crack in it or something.
JESUS DIED FOR YOU SINS really should wear more protective ringmail. OH, SO THAT’S WHY HE HASN’T BEEN AROUND attacks from behind but HBK basically no-sells his punches. Carlito sends him into the barricade while he’s removing his faggoty coat, and then into the apron. In the ring, and Carlito covers for 2 as the Taboo Tuesday graphic makes goofy futuristic caveman sounds. Carlito chops and does rope-chokes and stuff. Here’s a replay of the cool sneak attack. Carlito with a bodyslam. He tosses HBK into the corner. He smiles. HBK sent into the ropes and eats a back elbow. Lawler asks Coach if he’s mocking JR with all the quotations, and Coach says he’s “weaning the people” off JR. Carlito throws some shoulderblocks in the corner. HBK eventually starts chopping back. Carlito reverses a whip, however, and HBK is sent hard into the opposite corner. Ninja Chokeout applied. Carlito: "Ask him, ref!” Yeah, he’s going to submit to the motherfucking chinlock, Carlito. HBK somehow fights out. Chop by HBK. He sends Carlito to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked in the face. Chop by Carlito. He spits. He covers for 2. Following a chop. Lawler, sarcastically: “Everyone’s gonna embrace you, Coach.” They call some action. Coach: “All your girlfriends you’ve had over the years, they’ve embraced the Coach. But I didn’t wanna talk about that. Your current one too.” Lawler inadvertently undercuts their combatative vibe by laughing. Lawler: “Yeah right. You’ve been stood up more times than a bowl of…” and…I think he said “Jello.” Not sure. Maybe he said Coach has been stood up more times than a bowl of DOOT-DOO!?! Carlito clotheslines HBK to the floor. Carlito follows HBK out, rolls him back in, and covers for 2. Coachman says Carlito looks better than any youngster he’s seen in his “25 years in the business.” Carlito with a legdrop. Carlito goes up, high crossbody (!?) but Michaels rolls with it and covers for 2. Punches traded, now chops, and HBK takes over. Sleeperhold on Carlito. Gee, thanks for picking up the pace there, Shawn. Lawler: “I always knew JR was good, but I never realized how good until tonight.” Lawler will miss him…in bed. Carlito with a back suplex to escape the sleeperhold. HBK takes over with chops as Lawler teases a “Coach gets stunnared” ending. This match is boring. Carlito reverses a whip, sending HBK into the corner, and then Carlito dropkicks him in the corner. Supes, wasn’t that going to be Anthony’s finisher? Carlito with an abdominal stretch. JESUS CHRIST, CARLITO. Jesus. Pulling those suspender straps. I’m making a lot of random callbacks to Carlito’s old heavy Jesus, and it’s not intentional. It’s just that this RAW is making me type “Jesus” a lot. HBK escapes and they fight over a suplex and after a million years they do this crazy spot where both men spill to the outside. Coach: “They’re down! They’re down! They’re down!”
Commercials. I never said The Warriors was a great movie, I just love that one dude who sounds like a murderous, vaguely masculine Edith Bunker. You know who else I love? Boobermonkeys.
We’re back, and Carlito is doing restholds. SHOCK. Carlito does something I missed for 2. Coach: “Shawn Michaels, who has seemingly been on his back this entire match!” Sexy. Carlito spazzes out with punches in the corner. Vertical suplex by Carlito for 2. Coach, on HBK: “If his heart is still beating, baby he’s competing!” Coach, on Carlito: “Clearly, facially, frustrated!” Carlito chops and punches in the corner. HBK sent into the corner, but Carlito charges in like an idiot and Angleizes his crotch. What the Hell was that even going to be, Carlito? Carlito reverses a whip, but still eats the Flying Burrito (called by Coach.) Nip-up, and HBK starts doing clotheslines and scoop slams and shit. HBK going up top. Macho Elbow…connects! The band is kind of cool. Perhaps they should be warmed up. Carlito ducks, setting up an Electric Chair Drop (!?) but HBK rolls through, Carlito rolls through the roll-up and grabs the ropes (that’s his move!) but it only gets 2. Carlito pitches HBK into the ref, who is thus bumped. Carlito throws HBK into the post, grabs a chair, and HBK just avoids having his head sandwiched between chair and post. Coach: “Barely missing his head and noggin!” Carlito wanders into sweet chin music, and he was still holding the chair so it was sort of a Van Sweetchinmusicator. Oh, Shawn wins, natch. Shawn wanders up the aisle, and I’M MEDIOCRE BABY! WOO! invades? He…shakes Shawn’s hand, then…we go to break.
Commercials. I don’t think this ad for Mortal Kombat Shaolin Monks could be any dumber if Mortal Kombat Raiden was replaced by Metal Gear Solid 2 Sons of Liberty (Special Victims Unit) Raiden.
We join Ric Flair, already in progress. Ric says Triple H has lit a fire under his ass. Ric Flair has been carrying a brass ring around for twenty years. Then he says he’s twenty years older than Trips. Elbowdrop on nothing. Flair: “Wow!” Later, Flair: “In 1975, an airplane was 4000 feet in the air, it went WOOM!” He pantomimes a crash for us. I make fun, and then he tells us that plane crash killed the pilot and paralyzed two other wrestlers. Geez. Later, Ric deflected lightening with his foppish bumbershoot and killed someone. Seriously. Flair: “1981, I got off a jet, an East Airlines jet in Richmond Virginia (!?) they handed me an umbrella, the rain was so hard, lightening hit my umbrella, as God is my witness, bounced off my umbrella, it killed a guy standing three feet from me! Dead! Right in the eye! Dead! You think I’m afraid of you Triple H?” Lita redirected the lightening as a personal favor to Amy. Unless…I get it now! So that’s what happened to Ole Anderson! Now Ric rips the bandage he was wearing off and starts smearing blood all over his face. Jesus Christ, you can’t read about this, you gotta see this. He’s fucking insane. Ric: “I took your two best sledgehammer shots! Now, now, wherever you are, come out here, and let’s see what the Nature Boy has got for you! You can’t hurt me!” Later: “God I want you! I want you bad!” IS THAT REALLY TRUE ABOUT THE LIGHTENING? comes out. Ric goes under the ring and gets a baseball bat. Triple H runs away. Backstage. Ric gives chase. Oh Ric, you idiot. He’s probably laid mines back there or something. The cameras show Ric throwing his bat away and instructing cameras to get out of his face.
Commercials. That villain from SAW: “I have never murdered anyone. The choices were theirs.” Not a bad defense, but it’s no “At least I’m not Steve Romero.”
Shockingly, when we return, they do not undercut that awesome promo by having Flair be laid out. Instead we get Carlito stealing the mic from Maria and doing his cool yelling fast schtick that is not quite as cool as his confident and cool schtick which is cool. He challenges Mick Foley to a match at Taboo Tuesday because I guess I offended God somehow.
I’M NOT REBEAKING THE DIVA MATCH and you can’t make me. Just not in the mood. It was Trish, Ashley and the new girl vs Victoria and the awful heels. Victoria wrestled Trish a bit, then wrestled the new girl, who she beat with a roll-up when the new girl kept waving at Trish. Then the new girl went off and attacked Victoria after the bell, and she went for Stratusfaction to try and win Trish back. Trish just kinda smiled nervously. The good was that none of the non-wrestlers wrestled. The bad is that they have a new wrestling character with the “she’s a rookie she doesn’t know what she’s doing yet” gimmick going while Ashley, Torrie and the GoDaddy one were all too awful to get tagged in. Ashley may have tagged in, actually. Like you care. Trish was probably THE NEW WINNER OF THAT MATCH.
THE MAN WITH THE COLD OF STONE drives a truck to ringside, avoids killing the divas purely by accident, and…we go to commercials.
Commercials. Jak X: Combat Racing. You want me to bother making fun of this? It’s essentially beneath contempt.
We’re back. The fans chant for Austin, because, I dunno. Austin promises to keep his composure so he can get his message out. We’ll see. Austin: “I’ve been with the WWE for ten damn years.” Not in a row. Austin thinks the way JR was treated was “ca-pathetic.” Vince’s “sorry-ass yellow carcass” is called out to deal with “biznatch.” That’s what I heard. He has nothing else to say about this. THE WOMAN WHO HAS FORCED ME TO DECIDE BETWEEN STUPIDHO MCDUMBDUMB VARIATIONS OR JOKES ABOUT SAILOR MOON, I MEAN LITERALLY THE CHARACTER SAILOR MOON comes out. Austin, as her music ends: “Drop the damn music.” Austin asks if Stephanie, with her biggest balls in the building, is a transvestite. Then he rambles drunkenly instead of letting her talk. Stephanie tries to go through her scripted lines, but Austin keeps interrupting and making no sense. Remember when I bitched about this earlier? Insert more of that here. It’s doubly awful when he does it to Stephanie because while she’s not awesome on the mic (better than she’s given credit for, though) her character is supposed to be really smart and she just looks stupid here. Austin threatens to put her over his knee (“I gotta be careful so your balls don’t fall out”) but then LOOK AT THE HAT, IT’S GOOD OL’ COACH interrupts. He wants to be absolutely certain he gets stunnared. Coachman tells him to get lost, basically. Stephanie: “I got a proposition for you.” Austin: “Um, I might have a twenty on me.” Stephanie proposes Austin vs Coachman at Taboo Tuesday, and if Austin wins, JR gets his job back. Stephanie: “As a McMahon, and as your boss, I guarantee it.” Austin calls for beer. No one is stunnared. Stephanie flees to the top of the ramp, but she still has a microphone. She says if he loses at Taboo Tuesday, Austin is fired. Austin’s hilarious response is to give her the finger. Austin now waddles over to the announce position to menace Coach. Austin: “I’m givin’ ya the first shot. Go ahead and hit me, kid.” DON’T CALL HIM KID, HE CALLS YOU KID! Austin paws at him and mentions that he’s wearing sunglasses and stuff. You know how he do. The various things Coach is wearing are “stupid” and “little.” He rips off Coach’s cowboy hat and…pours beer in it. OMG YOU POURED BEER INTO THE HAT HE WAS USING TO MAKE FUN OF JR! Then he puts the hat back on him. I hate Steve Austin. Lawler: “Coach, you got HBO! Horrible Beer Odors!” WELL PLAYED MY LIEGE YOU ARE A CAUTIONARY KING. Unfunny is the head that wears the crown.
Commercials. BoDog.net. Better than Bobobobobobobobo.net, at least.
EVERYONE EVER is in the ring. I SHOULD HAVE BROKEN THE PUPPET KING OVER JR’S HEAD, EVEN IF THEY ONLY FOUGHT HIM ONE TIME AND HE WASN’T A RECURRING CHARACTER LIKE CONTROL FREAK comes out to talk smack about Smackdown (IRONY) and tells us to vote for a bunch of stupid matches. Is Kane in the ring yet? It would be awesome if his big return didn’t even get an entrance. I LIKE MAKIN’ CRAP JOKES ON THE JEAAAAAAAAAHN interrupts Bischoff. He adjusts Bischoff’s lapels, and…leaves. Coach: “He just came out to say hello to Eric Bischoff? He could have done that over the telephone!” I don’t know why I found that so funny. Cena joins the commentators because I really need to isolate which of my routine activities is pissing God off so much. Anyway, OH MAAAATT, I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU, *SATANIC LAUGHING*…OH WAIT, HE’S GONE? gets introduced separately. Maybe he won’t win. Coach: “Through…it is Kane!” Later, after he remembers his line: “Through Hellfire and brimstone, it’s Kane!” Everyone just watches as Kane chokeslams Carlito, who was apparently chewing apple. Cena, to Coach: “You’re about as cool as crap in your pants!” He and Lawler should exchange notes. Carlito is tossed. Viscera goes outside somehow that I missed and don’t care about. Let’s prolong the agony with a break.
Commercials. Blug.
During the break, Snitsky got eliminated. By Kane. Lots of guys fight. Edge, Tajiri, and…someone are already out. Conway tosses Eugene, who cheats and pulls him out too. Both tag champs eliminated by Kane. Shelton tosses Kerwin. Kane tosses Shelton. The Heartthrobs, Kane, and Masters are the final four. My pick: Antonio. No, wait! Romeo. And yeah, I’m glancing over stuff, but this whole rumble still had like no televised action. Heartthrobs clubber Kane, who ignores them and tosses both. Masters tries the Masterlock, but he can’t even cinch it on. Kane is that pasty. I mean, powerful. Kane tosses Masters with ease, because Kane is a billion times better than, say, Steven Richards. Cena and Kane exchange a meaningful stare. I hate RAW.
Final Thoughts: It’s hard to pretend Mideon is over-praising TNA and over-criticizing WWE to fool himself into being excited about rebeaking again when the WWE’s A show celebrates their big return to USA with shows as shitty as this. This sucks. I want a TNA show too.
