CHING AND CHONG AND ALL THE REST: Maybe I should give it a rest until Extreeeeem Legends possibly rekindles my interest. I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to doing a WV kingdom in ROOFLES because I’d be hard-pressed to resist giving everyone godly stats.
ANIME CRAP: Didn’t see any Moon. I kinda half tuned-out during One Piece. I think I hate Bobobobobobobobo really, really a lot. I don’t think I’d like Naruto even if it wasn’t wasting half of Toonami’s goddamned program spots. Oh, I know. Remember how like a month ago I mentioned that ultimo supreme DBZ uncensored was getting to one of the best parts? Now DBZ’s extreeem uncut whatever run is getting really close to the Goku vs Ginyu fight, the last major fight before the whole Freiza series. So…wait about a week for all the Ginyu stuff to play out, then start watching DBZ if you want to see where it gets completely awful and where 99% of the fans who turn on it decide to turn on it.
Pre-RAW, an announcer asks if McMahon will make Stone Cold pay tonight on RAW. I suppose he might pay the idea some lip-service by banning him from the building or something.
Fancy montage taking us from the days of wrestling for quarters to JBL wrestling for Texas-sized dollars which are somehow more valuable than regular dollars.
LAST WEEK: 3 solid hours of Austin stunnering McMahons. Just the instant Linda’s theme hit, minus everything else, was still pretty hilarious.
Stephanie McMahon opens the show? Did I do something wrong? Well, she has long been a princess and now she’s blonde, so let’s call her BRING ME MY FEMMY SCEPTER AT ONCE! Lawler thinks she looks better now than the last time we saw her. I liked her when she had brown hair that matched her eyebrows. She…talks about some wwe.com poll. I wonder if this discussion of the poll is a wwe.com exclusive? Just because it’s airing on RAW doesn’t mean it’s not a wwe.com exclusive. Stephanie claims she backs her body up with brains or something. She also has bigger balls than any man in this arena. She intimidates children. Then she notices something. Oh, some stagehand is trying to signal her to “wrap it up.” Hahahaha. His name is Mark. WHADDAMARK gets slapped. He should have been promoted. Now MY HEAD’S NOT AN APPLE gets slapped. Lillian Garcia. The apple thing is an MST3K reference. Super Asia might get it. Some fan: “You know better than that!” Stephanie knocks over a camera. Bunkhouse Buck did it better. She walks up the ramp and does her little pose. Now she’s coming over to the commentary guys. And…she makes them help her onto their table. Quit trying to look up her dress, JR. Stephanie: “The bitch, is back!” OMG THE RETURN OF JAZZ! She stands around some more.
Commercials. Jesus Christ, the jittery, caffeined-up Burger King from the BK-Joe commercial is fucking terrifying.
FUCKING DOINK? is here. Dude, if Rhyno sent you to terrorize Chris Benoit, you’re on the wrong show. Last week, Conway invaded. JR: “*various legends* were all interrupted, by the Conway!” I KILL LEGENDS WITH THE AID OF “COWBOY” BOB CONWAY SENIOR is here. Lawler: “Where has Doink the Clown been?” Eating children’s souls. Doink…does some crowd response game and establishes that he is more loved than Conway. Doink with a quick roll-up. Shitty inside-cradle for 2. Conway Papa Shangos, allowing Doink to get a sunset-flip with panties-pulling for 2. Doink does his weird pointing thing again. Coach: “Anytime a clown can conduct a crowd, that’s all I’m gonna say.” More goofiness happens, including eye-poking by Doink. Conway gets a shoulderblock or clothesline or something. Stomping. He yells about how he’s a legend. Not a legend-killer. What happened to the budding rivalry with Eugene? Conway does more stomping and kicking and shit. Neckbreaker, but not an Ego Trip. Coach gets all serious in saying Doink’s frown has been turned upside-down. Conway gets the Ego-Trip after some set-up I missed. I have a test in my class this week, so this level of recapping is all you’re getting. Conway gets on the mic and tells us he is the Con Man Rob Conway and a future WWE Hall of Famer. The legends are jokes just like Doink. Ah, here’s I FOR ONE WAS SHOCKED THAT ONE TIME LAWLER CLOSED HIS EYES TO RECEIVE A SURPRISE FROM DOINK AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A PIE TO THE FACE. Speak of the retarded Devil. Eugene tard-attacks and drives him away, but then Eugene tends to Doink and Conway returns to beats him down. Another Ego Trip. Rob Conway is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.
Coach talks about the Internet rumors that JR is about to get fired. I guess JR is safe. He introduces clips of Triple H picking over the corpse of Ric Flair. JR: “This gets nasty!” There’s that little girl dying of shock again. According to her shirt, she’s British. I say, you should change those things!
Commercials. They cut straight from Triple H to The Hulk.
CARLITO’S HEAD IS ALSO NOT AN APPLE, MANG is holding court in the Cabana. Or perhaps he’s holding cabana. Carlito wants the McMahon’s to know that if he’d known what was going on last week, he totally would have made the save so plz don’t fire Carlito kthx. Carlito starts talking about last week’s I Am Ironman match, but before he can introduce anyone, I FEAR SUDDEN DEATH, WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, PRETTY REASONABLE comes out. Angle did win the first fall, didn’t he? I’m sure he’ll mention it if he did. Kurt: “No one saw a winner? What the Hell match were you watching?” EUGENE’S DOLL invades before Kurt can get anywhere. HBK points out that he offered Kurt sudden death, and Angle daintily pulled his trunks aside to reveal his limber-tail. Well, no one says that, really. Kurt takes credit for killing WCW with the awesomeness of his last title run. WELLLLL, I’M READY TO STINK UP THE TITLE SCENE comes out for some reason. Coach: “We’re still in the Cabana?” HBK sits in a hammock and sucks away on a fake pina colada. Wishing it was a penis colada. Big Show says “paiting” instead of “waiting,” but then uses the word “epiphany” correctly. He challenges anyone to tell him he doesn’t get a title shot. I GUESS I WON THE RUBBER MATCH WITH MATT and RUBBERS DO NOT CONDUCT ELECTRICITY invade. You thought Lita was gonna have a condom nickname, didn’t you? Some fan has a hilarious Edge “Homecoming Queen” sign. God, fans are so stupid. Huh huh, homecoming queen, huh huh. Idiots. Edge shocks us all by remembering he has that Monkey in his Bank. Edge is now “a career killer.” Wow, Carlito gets to talk! He points out that Edge didn’t help fight Smackdown last week. Oooh. Carlito says one thing they can all agree on is that Carlito should be the #1 contender. JR: “Carlito steppin’ up to the big dogs here!” IDIOT chooses this moment to invade. Cena: “Fudgesicals and waterburger!” I dunno, that’s what I heard. What’s that disease where you just spout random syllables uncontrollably called? It doesn’t seem to be curable through thugonomics. Cena: “HBK, I’m scoutin’ you heavy because I no there’s no one’s better, but you’re a little too friendly wearing chaps, chains and leather? And gold medal or not, Kurt Angle’s goin’ South, forget your mouthpiece I’ll put my piece in your mouth. Big Show’s a giant, he’s enormous, I can think of a million adjectives, but it’s just another case of big things with small packages. And Carlito, you ain’t cool, you some Chia Pet putz. And instead of spittin’ out apples, you should be chokin’ on deze nuts.” So, he calls HBK gay, then wants his dick in Angle’s mouth, his nuts in Carlito’s mouth, but he wants nothing to do with Big Show because he isn’t well endowed enough. The crowd loves this, by the way. They are horrible people. “Lita’s a slut!” JR: “Wow!” Cena: “Ya’ll should run the other way when you see her! I shook her hand last week and she gave me gonorrhea!” Yeah. Don’t touch icky girls. Cena: “You, you claim you’re money in a bank. Edge, you think you know me. Well John Cena’s like a pinwheel, so you can go ahead and blow me.” So, he wants to have sex with everyone but Show and Lita. He says more stuff, holding up the mic for “shit,” but he’s done asking for sex with men so I lose interest. In bed. Rhyme of the night? Me/me.
The good chicks move their lips in the same shot while our commentators talk about Trish vs Victoria, tonight.
Commercials. You can be a Nashville Star on USA. Just get drunk.
WWE.com has exclusive footage of Maria bothering Bischoff, and oddly, we don’t see it in it’s entirety with the audio.
THE MASTER LOVES BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, AND HE LIKES THE WEAR MITTENS has his entrance interrupted! WE TOTALLY TOLD FDR WE WERE GOING TO ATTACK PEARL HARBOR BUT HE COVERED IT UP BEFORE TRAVELLING TO THE FUTURE TO KILL JFK Pearl Harbors him! In the ring, Tajiri does kicks and stuff. Masters tries something, Tajiri tries a sunset flip, but Masters just punches him. Butterfly suplex by Masters. Tajiri kicks him in the face. More kicking. Masters catches one. Enzoogweeree? No, Masters just shoves him down. Somehow the Tarantula gets set up. Kicking by Tajiri. Masters reverses a whip, gets heavily confused, and eats a big ol’ kick to the face for 2. IMPTHOKK set up, but Masters ducks and procures the Masterlock. That’s it. Oh, quit wasting our time Tajiri. You couldn’t escape from that leglock Edge uses in every match and never wins with. JR: “Chris Masters keeps that spotless record just as it was earlier today! Spotless.”
HAMBURGER HELPER HABITUE walks around backstage. Is that Ricky Steamboat giving him a dirty look? COWS ARE “THE SOURCE” OF MY PANTS tells Hunter he’s a jerk, basically. Triple H laughs and walks away. WHY CAN’T I FIND WU FANCHU IN THE PHONEBOOK? and YOU KNOW, THERE ARE OTHER SOLUTIONS TO YOUR OLD MAN PROBLEMS glare at Trips’ disapprovingly. NEWLY CROWNED, NEWLY FORGOTTEN TAG CHAMPS too. I USED TO CHOKESLAM PEOPLE THROUGH RIC FLAIR’S FANCY DINING TABLE EVERY WEEK THUS RUINING HIS LOVELY MEALS BUT YOU WENT TOO FAR gets to talk. Show: “I’m telling you right now. Someday, you’re gonna get yours.” Show hopes to get his too, eventually. His being cake. WHATCHOO DOIN’ SON I RESPECT OLD SCHOOL I ALWAYS USED TO BE RIC FLAIR IN THAT WCW GAME FOR NES YA HEARD? doesn’t respect Triple H now. Triple H: “You know if I were you, the last thing I’d wanna do is get my attention, you know what I mean?” Indeed. Cena invites him to come get some. Triple H indicates that he will take the title whenever he feels like it. EXPOSING THE BUSINESS! Triple H picks on some crew guy. JR makes gurgling noises of rage. Then he says “damn.”
Commercials. We don’t get to hear from Arn, but we made time to explore Viscera’s feelings on Trip’s betrayal of Ric.
“Highlights” from No Mercy. Oh fuck, the Ortons won! And they set the casket on fire too. Poor Sofa. Yeah, he gets a few weeks without Taker, but when Taker comes back, he gets to beat the Ortons for at least two or three ppvs in a row.
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE I HAVE DONE TO MY FRIENDSHIP WITH LANCE CADE? saunters to the ring. JR thinks what Trips’ did to Flair was “uncardinable.” Richelieu would not approve. JR then declares Trips a “thinking man’s killer.” Trips talks. Triple H says this is none of our damn business, it’s between him and Flair. Ok, does that mean you’re not going to talk any…oh. Triple H says he was a “mark” for Flair. Try to control your rage, EvilJon. Triple H says Flair was “mentally broken” when he came across him, and he brought him back up. Fan sign “JOHN *lots of tiny illegible writing* CENA.” Triple H says he realized he had to kill Ric Flair because Ric Flair got all covered in apple-spit. Now Trips marks out for Flair hitting a top rope move, which is kind of funny. Triple H: “Ric Flair cheered. Ric Flair cheered. Ric Flair cheered because he finally did one thing right.” Oooh, burn. Triple H: “Ric Flair reveled in his newfound mediocrity.” Triple H says he was the only one who cared enough to take “the horse behind the barn and pull the trigger.” Catherine the Great would have had sex with it. She was a big proponent of The Axe Effect. Flair is not the dirtiest player in the game because he isn’t in the game and the game is over etc, etc, etc. JR: “How…degredating can one man be!” Degredating?
Commercials. This salmon-theme Geico ad needs more Chim-Chim.
The Rock talks about Doom. No, not Ron Simmons and Butch Reed. He throws in some wrestling references because technically this is still RAW. JR: “There is no one like the Great One!” Shut up.
I LOST MY TINY COWBOY HAT WHO TOOK MY TINY COWBOY HAT is out, surprisingly, without that idiot Christy. I mean Ashley. Lawler: “She sure knows how to pack her trunks!” Jam-pack. I LOST MY STEVIE WHO TOOK MY STEVIE is wearing a baby-T with some…symbol I don’t understand. Something-busters. It has something to do with not liking Trish, I’m sure. Trish with a “Lou Thesz takedown” on Victoria. I was gonna call it a Vader Attack. Matrish. Some fancy kick. Trish tries the Stratusfaction early, but Victoria turns it into a backbreaker. Snap suplex by Victoria. JR starts talking about “imposing wills” while Victoria is smirking all evil and I’m starting to get all tingly. Trish goes up top, or maybe Victoria put her there while I was typing about horniness. Victoria press-slams her off the top anyway. Victoria with some kinda weird…standing Boston Crab. Cover for 2. Victoria shoves the ref around, but turns into a spinebuster. Trish with a jawbreaker. She blocks Victoria’s punches but Victoria does not block her punches. Victoria sent to the corner, but Trish charges right into an elbw. Victoria goes up, Trish attempts that Stratusphere or whatever, but Victoria blocks…and…kinda hops forward and dumps her on the mat! Boston Crab, pulling her into the center of the ring, but Trish gets some kinda roll-up for 2. More stuff happens, and Trish gets a Northern Lights Suplex for 3. Victoria attacks after the theme music has decided our winner. ASSLEY HAHAHA invades, and hops on Victoria’s back like Ruth Buzzy. Victoria slams her down. SOME RANDOM SPAZZ attacks Victoria with crazy kicks. Now she has the title belt. And she gives it back to Trish. Crazy stalker fan gimmick, huh? She doesn’t look like Tori. Anyway, my impression from a ten second beatdown is that this girl is an actual athlete. What the Hell is she doing getting hired?
Coach starts talking about JR getting fired again. Aw shit, it’s gonna be Coach, isn’t it?
Commercials. “Jarhead” is about the war in Iraq and looks to be trolling for Oscars. It sounds like the story of that Hellraiser villain’s retarded brother.
Lawler brags about touring the USS Lexington. “It’s grrrreat!” Now Trish and Ashley meet the new diva, who is named Ricky James. I’M RICKY JAMES, BITCH. There, I’ve just used the best nickname I’ll ever have for her. Anyway, Ricky James hugs Trish and gushes and yeah, it’s the crazy fan gimmick again.
CARLITO IS A ROTTEN APPLE according to this fan’s sign. Next week, Mick Foley will be on the Cabana. JR: “If…” Me: “Mick decides to show?” JR: “Carlito doesn’t get fired tonight!” Wow, those three fans were on camera before, but now they’re way more retarded. Ladies and gentlemen, the cameraman’s son and his two buddies! GO AHEAD AND POKE ME IN THE EYES I HAVE A THIRD EMERGENCY EYE is out, followed shortly by I LIKE STROKING MY BRIEFCASE (w/I LIKE STROKING MENS’ PENISES. The splitscreen shows us a limo arriving, and there’s I AM NOT SO MUCH THE CHAIRMAN AND THE COMMODEMAN gets out.
Commercials. Look USA, no one wants to watch The Hulk. That’s why you could get it.
Edge’s theme has apparently been playing all along (but we know better, don’t we Hangin’ Out Gang members!) but here comes HUMANITY BEAUTY KINDNESS He’s pretty, I’m told. Next is I WENT ON THE CABANA AND I DIDN’T EAT ANY APPLES THAT’S ACCUMULATED INTELLIGENCE IN ACTION FOLKS, who parts the ropes for HBK. SNOOP DAWG’S NEPHEW can part his own ropes, damn it. Edge and Cena start. Edge gets whipped around and choked but eventually scores with a kick and tags in Carlito. Edge, please use your title shot after someone else gets the belt, because that was painfully bad for just a minute’s worth of time. Cena quickly ignores Carlito and tags in Show. Show signals us to shush so he can slap Carlito’s chest. Kurt and Edge both attack, and both get no-sold. JR: “Big Show just physically dominated!” Kinky. All the heels are stacked in the corner for a fatvalanche. Show signals for the Show Stopper, which he barely ever does anymore. Cena shoves him and yells “dat’s what I’m talkin’ bout” and we go to another break.
Commercials. Batman Begins. “If you make yourself more than a man, you become something else entirely.” Something…more than a man, I take it? Haha, at first I typed “Batmon Begins.” Batmang Begins. Carlito doesn’t think you’re Batmang. Carlito thinks you’re a thug.
We’re back, with the faces STILL on offense, wait, no, Cena stumbles into an Angle bely2belly. Angle tags Edge. JR: “Edge enters!” That’s what Lita said. Hyuck hyuck. Edge drops elbows and shit. Well, he doesn’t drop shit, but you know what I mean. Cena gets slammed into the corner, and punched. Coach pimps the wwe.com RAWcast, which shows you the exciting commercial break restholds. Carlito tagged in, and Cena immediately no-sells his punches and gets a suplex. Tag to HBK, who punches. Carlito reverses a whip, eats a flying burrito, and lays there as HBK kips up. Carlito gets clotheslined a lot. Scoop slam. HBK going up. Coach says if Carlito wants to be a legitimate #1 contender, he needs to do something here. Yeah, right. Macho Elbow by HBK. He stomps away in the corner. Angle breaks up the Sweet Chin Music with a clothesline. It came off really poorly. Carlito covers for 2.999999 (OFF A CLOTHESLINE!?!?) and tags in Angle. Angle punches away. European uppercuts. JR: “Shades of Dory Funk Junior!” From the Double-Cross Ranch in Amarillo, Europe. Body scissors (GAY) by Angle. HBK maneuvers Angle so his shoulders are down, but the ref ignores it so HBK punches. HBK sent to the ropes, but Carlito does the old low-bridge to send him to the floor. Edge spears HBK on the floor. Coach: “Talk about pace!” Coach knows what picante sauce should taste like.
Commercials. USA now presents Law & Order SVU followed by Law & Order CI. Followed by Super Law & Order Champion Edition Turbo Hyper Crime-Solving. Followed by Law & Order, Extreme Legends. I can’t believe Guan Ping yelling about “Chinese Takeout” didn’t earn more of a reaction.
Haha, this Laser Tag ad says “major pumping required” with absolutely no explanation.
We’re back, and Kurt has HBK in a headlock. HBK senses the wwe.com unlimited exclusive special victims unit period is over, and fights out. HBK sent to the ropes for his Flair Flip. Belly2belly by Angle, but Cena breaks up the cover. Carlito is tagged in. Stomp. Stomp. He takes HBK to the corner. Chop. Choking. Southpaw punches. HBK takes over with his own chops. Carlito sent to the opposite corner, but he escapes and HBK Palumboizes himself. Carlito covers for 2. Ninja chokeout by Carlito. Big Show chants “HBK” which sounds hilarious. HBK wanders into a dropkick. A cool dropkick. It gets 2. Ninja chokeout reapplied. HBK gets to his feet and back suplexes Carlito. Race for the tag. Angle tagged in, Show tagged in. Clotheslines by Show. Headbutt. Goozle, and Edge comes off the top into a Goozle. Carlito tries to break it up, but gets big booted. Then the heels escape anyway, but get double clotheslined. Big Show does the YCSM, which is supposed to be funny. Cena tagged in for his goofy whatever that move is. He does the YCSM, he does the FKS, and he gets a 2.9999. Coach: “You’re pinnin’ Kurt Angle, you’re not pinnin’ a ham’n’egger!” Show and Edge mess around on the floor as Carlito prevents the FU on Kurt. HBK takes Carlito to the floor, and Ankle give Cena the Anglelock. Cena reverses into his own anklelock, but Angle rolls him up for 3. Lawler points out that trying to beat the best submission wrestler in the business with his own submission hold is stupid, and he’s actually completely right for a change.
Earlier tonight, why did Stephanie have to come back? Couldn’t Shane have smacked Lillian Garcia? Then we go LIVE to Vince WALKING! Soon he’ll be FIRING!
Commercials. I want the relaxed King back. BK-Joe King is a wide-awake nightmare.
A scary montage reveals that Kane is back next week. Which is also scary.
ARE WE SURE I CAN’T TRADEMARK THE MIDDLE FINGER? is out. A wwe.com exclusive I actually am mildly curious about reveals Bischoff is not going to be fired. Sign: “Your fired.” From your job at the spelling combine. Vince: “Say what you will but I am a man of my word.” Frankly, I don’t know what to say to that. Vince notes that Austin is to blame for what Austin did. But then he says he isn’t gonna blame Austin. Um…blame society, maybe? Fire Stone Cold’s mother for not hugging him enough? Vince says he blames the people who enjoyed it. HAHAHA, HE BLAMES THE FANS! HE REALLY DOES! Next week, the entire McMahon Clan will come out with baseballs painted on their faces, ala the MVP, and will have a survivor series match with The Warriors. Vince says he’s going to hire all of WWE fandom, then fires us all. This is stupid. Vince: “Shut up when I’m talkin’!” Call us “fat boy,” Vince. Now Vince calls down all three commentators down to the ring. Each is instructed to apologize. I APOLOGIZE, KIIIIID sucks up mightily to loud boos. THIS IS SOMEHOW THE KAT’S FAULT, ISN’T IT? tries to save a little face, but basically says if it will save his job, he apologizes. I THOUGHT THAT UFC GUY TURNED US DOWN, BY GAWD gives Vince a sinister look. Well, his face always looks like that, I suppose. JR says he’s sorry Linda got stunned, but that’s it. Vince says that isn’t good enough, and Stone Cold’s boy has to apologize to I’M PRETTIER THAN YOU, REI-CHAN. I don’t remember which episode it was or what was happening, but this one time after the Monster of the Day was defeated and everything was fine, Usagi said that word for word (well, if the subtitles are to be trusted) just to be a bitch. Steph comes down and demands an apology. JR again says he’s sorry Linda was stunned. Steph slaps him. JR falls over. Christ man, she’s just a girl. Vince now sez Shane is going to come drop an elbow on JR’s “black heart,” but MUST…EAT…BRAINS comes out instead. Linda takes the mic and says the McMahons have an opportunity for a fresh start. They will get respect not by yelling (like Vince) or fit-pitching (like Steph,) but by action. If only Shane were here, so she could have specifically denounced dancing like a spazz. Anyway, shock beyond all shocks, but Linda fires JR, then kicks him in the nuts. Actually, it’s more like she flails her leg in the general direction of his balls and he falls over. Man, when Linda or JR try to do anything physical, it’s like a poorly done episode of Gumby. Coach and Lawler don’t know what to say. Well, I thought it was gonna be Coach, so…I dunno.
Final Thoughts: Obviously not as huge as last week. I think they may have shot themselves in the foot a bit by stacking the Return so thoroughly and really not having much of interest on the follow-up. But that’s just me being smarky. On another note, and I hope I don’t shock Sofa or anyone, but I’d really started to find JR more tolerable once Coach had dragged Lawler over to being a proper heel again and poor Jimbo kept getting double-teamed and had to get mad in order to defend himself. I’ll miss him, unless they do something awesome like have Heyman or Mathews or someone on commentary next week. They won’t. If Steve Romero becomes the new voice of Raw, I think I may have to quit. Or at least tease it so it’s shocking when I don’t.
