CHING AND CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE: In my Pang Tong game, Wei forces took some city Liu Chan was in (Liu Bei is still alive and sovereign of Shu) and Liu Chan defected to Wei! Hahahaha. Then I forgot to save despite having been handed the most preposterous piece of good luck.
ONE PIECE: Google image search always bites me in the ass somehow. When I needed a nice shot of Rikku for something, I got porn. Then I go looking for a cute Sanji avatar, and…well, he and Zolo are never that close on the show. But at least you can’t see any of their junk.
It’s a weird week for rebeaking. Mideon lost two hours of rebeaking material, and I ended up with an extra hour. I wonder if maybe they’re related. Like I’ll get two hours of RAW, Val Venis and Viscera vs the Heartthrobs, and then half an hour of Todd Grisham playing with dolls.
I saw the live arena shot during the end of…whatever this retarded movie on USA is. Some fan has a sign that says “I believe in HBK” with “HBK” in a Jesus fish. I hope he’s proud of his BLASPHEMOUS fans. Then an ad aired in which Triple H steals Ric Flair’s “elbowdrop nothing” gimmick.
Crazy announcer, on RAW’s return: “Next, television will never be the same!” Unless you think of it as being the same as it was a few years ago when Raw was on USA.
We have a 4 minute countdown to RAW as we hear a medley of RAW themes. Vince, on MSG: “New York City is the heart of a lot of entertainment.” Vince is a big Broadway man. HOLY SHIT, THEY TALKED TO SEAN MOONEY? He should ask the Bulldog’s ghost about the pressures of being dead. Now we discuss how the Attitude Era represented “society growing.” As symbolized by Al Snow dressed as the Queen of England. Edge: “Choppy-choppy pee-pee.” Mark Henry sees that Sammy is a man. Can you not see that I am the man! I’d like to look up that line from the Carlito/Masters storybook, but it’s not linked anywhere. JBL, immediately after Mark Henry was shocked by Sammy’s penis: “Things like that happen!” Oh man, I didn’t need to know that about JBL. Now Vince thinks Austin is going to shoot him in the head, and thus he soils himself on TV. The beginning of a new era of pants pooping.
WWE has a new “WWE, the power is back” symbol. The power is back, but where’s the F?
The arena explodes in flaming death. We are LIVE from Dallas. What I want most from this show is a surprise appearance from The Rock, who is then HASSAN’D. Instead, we open with COMMISSIONER STUNTMAN. Foley: “Mrs. Foley’s little boy has come back home!” You’re her baby boy, damn it. Foley goes for the cheap pop, and then introduces his host, HELL COMES HOME TO FROGTOWN. Piper jogs to the ring. He didn’t even hang around at the entryway teasing a Sean O’Haire appearance. Man, WV has some weird priorities. Where else does Piper interviewing Foley lead to muttering about the lack of O’Haire? Piper congratulates Foley on being insane. Piper: “You have people throw you off twenty-five steel cages to the floor! You land on thumb-takes!” Thumb-takes? And do they stack the cages one on top of the other? Piper asks Foley when he’s gonna stop writing books no one reads and come back. HOLY SHIT, FAN IN A WCW SHIRT! Foley says he’d need a good reason. Piper: “Foley! Foley! Foley!” THE ONCE AND FUTURE COWBOY come out. It’s the Ortons. And the nickname makes no sense. I was thinking along the lines of how it’s two generations of Ortons/cowboys, but my nickname ignores the past and neither Randy nor Bob are future cowboys. Because we all know the Future Cowboy is Jeff Jarrett. Foley starts yelling before Randy can douche his way to a microphone. Foley pimps the No Mercy match with the Undertaker. Randy Orton: “I’m Randy Orton!” Randy now ignores Foley and starts shoving Piper around while Bob hangs back acting…uncomfortable? According to Randy, Piper somehow prevented Cowboy Bob from being a big movie star. By stealing his “Rowdy Roddy Orton” gimmick. Randy could still be Rowdy Randy, I suppose. Piper eventually tires of the abuse and takes a shot at Randy. Foley and Bob pull them apart like Kindergarten teachers. Hahaha, then Cowboy Bob suckerpunches Foley. Why the fuck was Foley just standing there like they were friends anyway? RKO for Piper. RKO for Foley. I kinda liked that for whatever reason. Melodramatic douche pose. Not by Cowboy Bob. I don’t have Randy that much now that I don’t have to rebeak him, but I have a real soft-spot for Cowboy Bob. It’s probably just because of “that Frenchman.”
Let’s flashback to Angle making HBK tap. Now let’s flashback to HBK souparkicking Angle out of THE STUPID. JR: “Ladies and gentlemen, the Rubber Match!”
Commercials. This lumberjack is more than OK when he spontaneously gets handed a meatnormous sandwich. I guess the Burger King didn’t live in that tree, or he’d be actively preventing this guy from enjoying meat on top of meat on top of meat.
Moments ago, a Piper’s Pit ended in violence. I say, I say, I jolly well must protest! That’s not what Piper’s Pit is about at all!
I’M NEVER GOING TO COME UP WITH ENOUGH BISCHOFF NICKNAMES walks up to I’M NEVER GOING TO COME UP WITH ENOUGH TEDDY LONG NICKNAMES. Bischoff yells. Bischoff proclaims this his “debut” on USA but at the same time calls it his “homecoming.” Dude, Bischoff is blowing my mind. Bischoff pokes Teddy, then walks away. And…that’s it.
JR: “Take a deep seat ladies and gentlemen!” SQUIRT ANGLE SEZ ALWAYS USE A RUBBER WHEN HAVING THE BESTIALITY SEX WITH GUTTERSLUTS is out first for the 30 Minute Ironman Match. I’m hardly in shape to do anything more strenuous than typing for 30 minutes, but as a long-time fan of the sport I still have to say the following just once. Ironman Matches aren’t 30 minutes, and this is half-assed. There, I said it. Hey, it’s not like I really want to rebeak a 60 minute match, they’re much better suited to watching with other people over alcohol. Lillian: “The first person to have the most falls after 30 minutes wins!” Can we go two minutes without anyone making no sense at all? We see some legends at ringside. Randy better hurry if he wants to kill Volkov before he dies of natural causes. There’s Dusty Rhodes, talking to himself, more or less. There’s probably a voice in his head saying, “Why won’t you let me do my job, Dusty?” RUBBERS ARE EVIL OVER THE COUNTER is out, and…he rushes Angle, who takes him to the mat immediately. HBK punches away and gets back to his feet. Chop in the corner. Bodyslam by HBK for 2. Chop. Chop. Chop. Yeah, pace yourselves. Choppy choppy your Kurtsky. Choppy choppy your guy whose shaves head makes him look like a pee-pee. Angle reverses a whip, HBK slips out of some kinda slam, and HBK gets a neckbreaker for 2. Angle gets tossed to the floor. HBK follows him out. Chop. HBK bashes Angle’s head into the fence. Angle sent back in, HBK goes up, missile dropkick, and that gets 2. Angle finally kicks and punches his way back into it. HBK reverses a whip, however, and slaps on a sleeper. Angle…dances around spastically for the ropes before countering with a back suplex. Both men slow to rise. Angle up first with a European uppercut. Stomping. Kneelift. JR: “Hard, million-dollar kneelift!” Ted Dibiase is at ringside, hitting up his lawyer on the celly. Scoop slam. Cover for 2. And again. Ninja chokeout by Angle. They…work it for awhile. We’re at about 5 minutes down, 25 to go. Maybe it will be 0-0 with the Ninja chokeout still applied. No, HBK uses a jawbreaker to escape. Chop by HBK. Coach says some nonsensical BS about the crowd feeling both men out. Facebuster by Michaels. Angle...gets back body dropped way up into the air and to the floor. HBK tries to baseball slide him, but Angle sidesteps and Angle Slams him on the floor! Nice. Here’s a replay of Kurt’s spill to the floor, and yeah, he way over-rotated there. Almost landed on his face. Back in the ring, and Angle is stomping away. Punches traded, and HBK wins that. No, Angle gets him right in the chin…and…powerbombs him into the turnbuckle!? Wow. Nice. It gets 2!? HBK, I hate you. Angle puts HBK up top. He wants a super belly2belly, but HBK pushes him off. Angle setting up for…no, Angle pops up! Top-rope Angle Slam! 1, 2, 3, fuck yeah you better give that a fall, HBK. This ain’t a Canadian hero, he’s an American hero! Of course, Bret could have blown Shawn’s head off with a rocket launcher and HBK would have gotten a foot on the ropes. Anyway, commercial break.
Commercials. The network television premiere of that big-budget Hulk movie is on USA? I didn’t know it sucked THAT hard.
We’re back, about 18 minutes left on the clock and Angle is working the Ninja Chokeout. We get a replay of the Super Angle Slam. HBK gets to his feet and powers Kurt back into the corner. Back elbow by Michaels breaks the hold in earnest. More elbows. Kurt whipped into the corner, HBK charges in behind him, and Angle moves, ironically, causing HBK to Angleize himself. Angle with a German suplex for 2. Vertical suplex by Kurt, for 2. JR: “Referee Jack Doan got a near fall out of it!” Which would have made it Michaels 0, Angle 1, Doan 1. I miss some chops by HBK while making hilarious Jack Doan jokes, but Angle reverses a whip to send HBK into the turnbuckles. Angle Slam attempt, HBK tries to roll him up, and Ankle turns it into the easily countered Anglelock. HBK counters easily into an inside cradle for 3. It’s 1-1-0 (Jack Doan.) Angle sends HBK to the floor. Fourteen minutes left. Kurt slams HBK into the steps. CALL FOR THE DQ JACK DOAN! He does not. Angle sends HBK back in for 2. Body scissors (the gayest move in wrestling, people) by Angle. JR starts talking about some 13th century carnival strongman who won wrestling for quarters matches with this hold. Under the watchful eye of his mentor, Ric Flair. HBK tries to turn Kurt onto his back. Now he’s biting him, but it really looks like they’re making out. Angle finally breaks the faglock. Brawling, Angle wants a suplex, HBK blocks, and they do a runny-aroundy sequence that ends with HBK rolling Angle up and Ankle countering into the Anglelock. HBK kicks him off…no! Angle holds it…YES, the GIVE IT UP BENOIT variant is applied! HBK has to tap because wrestling needs at least one certain death submission hold. Michaels 1, Angle 2, Doan 0 as we go to commercials.
Commercials. Domino looks like a stupid, stupid movie. But that “Bounty Hunter of the Year” sign from the ad makes me smile.
We’re back, about seven and a half minutes left, and Kurt is working some non-Anklelock leg hold. HBK fights out, but charges into a bunch of punches. But not bunches o’ punches, that’s different. May have to put that in the glossary. Or pressure Super Asia into doing so. HBK fires back with chops, but Kurt gets a single-leg takedown. He grapevines the leg. I hate the stupid mouth guard. HBK punches away on Kurt. Not legal in the Olympics. HBK with a “scintillating uppercut.” HBK fights back with rights. Kurt is hanging on the ropes to stay upright. He whips HBK to the ropes, but eats the Flying Burrito. Kip-up, but HBK’s leg hurts, haha. Coach questions the wisdom of doing fancy kip-ups when you’ve already tapped to the Anklelock. Angle charges into a bunch of clotheslines. Scoop slam by HBK, who goes up top with about 5 minutes left. Coach: “I know Shawn Michaels wants to get it done, but you gotta do things that are smart!” Macho Elbow…connects! HBK is only able to briefly tune up the band before Kurt is up. Sweet Chin Music still connects though. For 3. It’s Michaels 2, Angle 2, Doan 0. Kurt rolls outside. HBK gives us time to watch the replay, then follows him out and rolls him in. Lawler: “Kurt Angle looking for some sort of a respite there, some sort of a…respite!” Back in the ring, and HBK is sent into the corner, does his modified Flair Flip, and gets Angleslammed for a long 2. Angle wants another Angleslam, but HBK turns in mid-air and makes it a tornado DDT! Naptime. HBK eventually covers for 2. Twice. Two minutes left. HBK with a chop. HBK whipped to the corner, Angle charges into a boot. HBK goes up for a moonsault…but Kurt rolls through! Ankle Lock! One minute, thirty seconds left. HBK tries to kick him off, but nothin’ doin’. HBK right at the ropes, but Kurt pulls him back to the center of the ring, Ken Shamrock style. Just Die Benoit leglace applied! HBK tries to roll it around somehow…and…HBK kicks him in the face and breaks it! BOO! So much for my theory about there being one certain death submission hold in wrestling at all times. HBK tries to escape…but Kurt snatches his ankle again, and…this time HBK does kick him off. Angle stumbles, catches himself before hitting the ref, and…turns right into a Superkick. HBK covers as time expires. I hate that ending. HBK gets a mic and calls for sudden death. Kurt…waves him off and leaves? Bullshit non-finish to a potentially great TV match. It really is just like the old days on USA! HBK celebrates with Mae and Moolah in what is surely a spontaneous moment because no hilarity ensues, they just pat him on the shoulders and stuff.
Let’s take a look at the VH1 Hip-Hop Awards. SNOOP DOGG IS ON WWE TELEVISION! THIS IS WHAT SOFA DEMANDED LIKE TWO YEARS AGO! He calls Cena his nephew. Ice-T also loves on Cena. Weak. I like how Snoop’s posse is in the background looking embarrassed as an incredibly-gushy Cena hugs Snoop in slow-mo.
Commercials. New from Ubisoft. Jack Carter has been turned into a monster by mercenaries on…that kinda looks like Besaid Island, actually. Maybe he’s being hunted by the Aurochs, bruddah.
OMG THAT WHOLE HOUR ONLY HAD ONE MATCH RAW SUCKS.
YOU BROKE MY HEART VISCERA BUT I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE JUST WAIT AND SEE I NEVER FORGET IT’S JUST THAT THE WRITERS HAVE introduces a great wrestling legend from a great wrestling family. It’s TIRE-IRON VON ERICH. I thought it was gonna be Arn. Well, I didn’t, really. If Kevin Von Erich really was Tire-Iron Von Erich, he would finish off his foes with the Tire-Iron Claw. Kevin impresses the crowd no-end with his incredible non-deadness.
I’m an asshole.
TWO WRESTLING EXECUTIVES AND A MAKE-UP LADY have a moment. The random make-up lady leaves when Eric shows up to pester Vince. Eric wants to make his match with Cena tonight No DQ, and Vince says “no.” Eric: “Mr. McMa…Vince.” Vince: “What you call me?” Eric: “I called you Vince. And you know what, I’m gonna say it right to your face because I just don’t care anymore.” Whoa. Eric says he’s sick of Vince embarrassing him, and says he’s not going to break-down for some “Self-Destruction of Eric Bischoff” DVD. Hey, nice! He’s got, like, spine! I don’t think Face Bischoff would ever work and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for, but I bet Sofa is marking out. Vince brags about how perverted he is and leaves. No, really, he brags about how perverted he is, then leaves.
WAIT, WHO WAS I MAD AT? reads a goofy introduction for MR. MAC…VINCE, PROUD PERVERT that proclaims him “well-endowed” and credits him with creating various RAW superstars. In his test tube. Vince: “Uncensored for sure!” Later tonight, Hulk and Macho vs a million heels with goofy supernatural gimmicks, Ric, and Arn in a Doomsday Cage Match. Vince starts bragging about beating Austin one-on-one. Gee, where could this be going? Vince shows footage of Austin getting pinned for 3, and Vince “giving him the badmouth.” Vince: “Look at the Herculean physique! And then, and then the badmouth!” Badmouth. I didn’t even know that was a word. AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE I USED TO BE ENTERTAINING appears. JR: “Oh my God, oh my God!” Even JR doesn’t sound surprised. Is Austin wearing a new design Austin shirt? This doesn’t bode well. Vince: “Good to see ya Steve! Just havin’ a little fun there.” Austin says various things, and the crowd says “what?” Vince: “Steve, maybe you and I’ve never seen eye-to-eye but, I mean…” Austin: “There ain’t too many times you and me have ever seen eye-to-eye.” Hey, they see eye-to-eye about not seeing eye-to-eye. Austin…is instantly boring to me again. We see the whole bedpan/enema incident. I’m not enema expert, but…don’t you use something other than an IV needle to do that? Austin: “We got some more footage while you’re talkin’ about your privates!” And…Vince poops/wets himself over a bang flag. I mean, we know he pissed himself, but pooping may well have happened. Stone Cold, cheerily: “Are you nervous enough to piss your pants?” Vince admits that he did, in fact, poop himself. In that clip, not just now. And now we see the beer truck thing. I wish they’d use the audio. It is way, way funnier when Rocky is trying to be all badass and cool when he eats the first blast. Austin: “Boy I tell you what, if you’da won, if you’da entered the Olympics that year you coulda won yourself a…nah, you wouldn’t have won a damned medal, but…you’re pathetic.” You can just feel his thought process breaking down. Vince wants to be friends. Austin: “If you think this sonofabitch is full of crap, gimmie a Hell yeah!” Me: “Shut up!” Vince decides to leave. Austin: “Don’t leave, I wanted to show ya somethin’.” AND THEN HE STUNNARS HIM OMG. Lawler: “It seems like old times!” Coach: “Old times, of disrespect!” HERE COMES THE MONKEY, HERE COMES THE MONKEY comes out for some reason. He still dances like a goof. But an entertaining goof when not feuding with Kane for two years. Coach thinks Shane is angry. When…last we saw him, didn’t Shane hate Vince? HAHAHA, Austin stunners him before he can even do anything. Now that’s more like it. I hated the tortured way they played out the Vince segment, but a former major storyline player coming out and getting instantly crushed is pretty awesome. Anyone getting crushed that quickly by a non-Undertaker entity is kind of fun. Shades of Planet Stasiak charging the Rock like four times and the Rock just tossing him and continuing to talk. “By Gawd that’s a big old Boomer Sooner for Stone Cold!” I’ll let you guess who said that. HOW DARE YOU ATTACK THE MAN WHO USED TO WHORE ME OUT TO OTHER BUSINESSMEN dyed her hair blonde so she looks more generic. Stephanie: “Who the Hell do you think you are?” She…yells more stuff that his mic catches. Why did Shane get insta-stunnared and Steph gets to screech? Stephanie…gives him the badmouth. Austin: “You look lovely tonight. What fragrance are you wearing?” What? Austin accuses her of flirting. Austin: “Coupla a stunners, booyah!” He’s insane. Austin asks for a kiss. Steph slaps him. Why didn’t he just stunner her when she first appeared? I’d have eaten that up. Austin blathers some more and OMG HE STUNNARS HER TOO LATE FOR ME TO CARE! JR: “A Stephanie stunner!” NOW SEND OUT LINDA. HOLY SHIT THEY REALLY ARE SENDING OUT LINDA! Give her a stunner. OMG, please give her a stunner just as she first opens her mouth to talk. For no fucking reason. Please God give her a stunner just because and don’t give her a chance to talk. Linda: “Steve? What do you think you’re doing? Look at this havoc! This carnage in the ring is my family!” She claims to have spent the last two years putting her family back together. Please let’s not try to make some sense out of the buried McMahon family plotlines. Linda: “My husband! Why my husband?” Austin: “Your husband’s a piece of trash!” Linda: “Yeah.” Pause for JR chuckle. Linda: “But…what about my son Shane?” Austin: “You’re son’s a chip off the old block, he’s a piece of trash too!” Linda: “But my precious daughter Stephanie?” Austin: “I gotta say that poor little Stephanie is a precious piece of trash!” And so on. And…they keep teasing stunners. Damn it, they were so close! What I wanted was for him to just stunner her immediately with no explanation other than “he’s a violent prick.” But now, they have the kind of awkward, mistimed dialogue that is only possible when a drunken Austin interacts with Linda “she’s a zombie, people” McMahon. Austin asks for a smooch to give these fans a special RAW memory. Linda begins to comply because Austin is irresistible. Now Austin implies that he wants to sex Linda. Or at least that’s what Lawler’s commentary explains to me is supposed to be funny. I don’t get the RAW writers’ fascination with Linda McMahon’s sexuality. I hope he consulted Test to find out where the vagina is located. Finally, Austin says he just wants to share a few beers. His music plays as they drink. A stunnar can’t salvage this wreck, but nothing would be worse than no stunnar now. Austin: “I forgot to say ‘thank you!’” And then he “stunners” her. But it basically completely misses as she turns sideways and falls off of his back before taking the impact. Who knew Linda was such a great technical wrestler to counter the stunner like that?
Commercials. I wonder if the Earthlink leprechaun is a Microsoft Certified Engineer. Haha, now a USA announcer tells Brendan Frasier to “cut it out” before the Mummy Returns.
VINCE MCMAHON’S CORPSE is interviewed by HOW CAN I PLAY WITH DOLLS WITH NO CAMERAS TAPING IT? Vince: “Somebody’s gonna pay. Somebody’s gonna get fired over this.” And then…he leaves without firing Todd. Pleasant surprise.
It’s time for the ladder match. Out first is PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THUMBTACKS FOR THE UPCOMING MOTHAFUCKA-POWERBOMBING in a slinkier outfit than usual. She waits on the ramp while IF I LOSE I’LL GO TO SMACKDOWN WHERE THE WORLD CHAMPION IS AND MY CONTRACT FOR A WWE TITLE MATCH THAT WAS ORIGINALLY A CONTRACT FOR A WORLD TITLE MATCH WILL BE VOID AND I…I NEED TO LIE DOWN hides off to the side of the entryway. My nickname may be voided if the winner of this is supposed to get the briefcase, but Edge is winning so who the fuck cares? Did JR say the chances of injury are “so, so stinky?” Oh, he said “steep” kinda weird. I think he also just explained the stips with the briefcase and ruined my nickname, but screw it. This ended up being beaked last chronologically and I just need to be done with this show. Though I already knew Edge was winning because everyone did. I JUST SCANNED A POTATO is out, and Edge blindsides him, then makes a mad-dash for the ring to try and get a quick victory. Nice. Though it kinda undermines the “we want to hurt each other so bad” story. Matt catches him in time, pulls him off the ladder, and climbs it himself. Edge knocks him into a super stun gun, but Matt then ducks a clothesline and gets a Side Effect. Matt does some weird thing where he sets the ladder on it’s head with the legs pointed up and kinda…encourages Edge to crawl through. Then he legdrops him across the back of the head, climbs kinda…into the ladder, and starts closing it so it squeezes Edge. The commentators talk about how innovative that is. Some ladder spots haven’t been done before because they just look kinda dumb. JR: “Now that, Coach, was a ladder scissors.” Coach: “And that’s what ya’d call it!” Insight. Matt lays the ladder in the corner. Punch for Edge. Edge is whipped into the ladder. Matt rushes towards him like an idiot, and is drop toe-holded into the ladder. Edge sets the ladder up in another corner and suplexes Matt across it. Edge sets up the ladder, Matt tries to pull him off, but Edge does a double axehandle off the ladder. Edge whips Matt to the ropes and tries to flapjack him, but Matt grabs the ladder and starts climbing it. Edge pulls him off. Edge sets the ladder up in the corner with the top perpendicular to the ropes and facing into the ring as JR disses text messaging. Matt reverses a whip, tries for the Twist of Fate, but gets shoved face-first into the top of the ladder. It looked cooler than it reads. Edge gets another ladder, sets it up, and begins to climb. Matt pulls him down. Clubbering. He bounces him against the turnbuckles, then pokes him with the ladder. Matt lays the ladder across the ropes and tries to suplex Edge on it, but Edge blocks and does a reverse suplex (kind of a drop gourdbuster) across the ladder. Edge setting up the ladder again. He climbs, Matt climbs the other side, and girls screech. JR: “Matt Hardy, scoring those right hands, looking for the temple!” You shouldn’t score your hands, you’ll hurt yourself. And the temple is on Cherry Hill. Matt throws Edge off of the set-up ladder into that first ladder that was laid across a corner, but Edge ends up knocking down the ladder Matt was on so he’s super stun gunned again. “Holy Shit” chant. I must be jaded.
Commercials. I should put a Crazy John’s ad on the next comp tape. What am I talking about, half the recipients haven’t even watched any of the first one. I still like the idea, though. Where else could you hit play, see Rei blushing when someone asks her about Yuichirou, then fastforward for a few minutes to see Magnum TA stabbing Tully Blanchard in the motherfucking eye with a broken-off chunk of wood?
You know, Darien and Chad could have an “I Quit” match over Raye. Darien doesn’t want Raye, but it wouldn’t matter if for some wacky reason Darien lost his voice and couldn’t say “I Quit!” M.I. Smooth would have to be involved somehow, of course.
We’re back, and Edge is trying to suplex Matt on a table on the floor. Matt blocks it and whips Edge into the railing. Matt picks up a ladder on the floor and rams Edge with it. Edge ends up in the crowd, and Matt sets up the ladder and goes up. He dives…onto Edge, I guess. The camera missed it. Fearful of catching Kerwin White’s caddy cheating. Matt tries to go back in, but Lita grabs him and jumps onto his back. Matt fucking snap-mares her onto the floor with no hesitation. It’s about time. Now he’s gonna powerbomb her onto a table! If it had thumbtacks on it, someone would be pomberboming Lita onto thumbtacks in a moment of supreme irony. Assuming Matt is a motherfucker. Edge saves with a kendo stick. JR: “Edge went downtown with a kendo stick!” Does this kendo stick go…downtown? Edge lays Matt on the table, then gets on the ring apron and splashes him through it. JR: “I think we can start kissin’ Matt Hardy goodbye!” Fag. Edge gets back in the ring and starts climbing, but Matt catches up. For some reason, two ladders are next to each other in the ring, allowing Matt to hit a super Twist of Fate from about ¾ of the way up the ladders. Edge rolls to the floor to be dead. Matt sets up a single ladder. Lita is in with a kendo stick, and…COMPLETELY MISSES! AHAHAHAHAHA! She tries again and knocks him off. He’s back up, she tries another kendo stick shot but he grabs it. He sends her into the turnbuckles. Matt going back up, but Lita pulls the ladder out from under him! He’s hanging by the belt, but Edge is back…and he swings Matt around until he super stun guns himself across the gut. Edge ties Matt up in the ropes, and now Lita is hanging on his back so he can’t free himself. Modified Tarantula. Whorantula. The crowd is not happy. Edge gets the briefcase at his leisure, and puts the toothy, vampiric badmouth on Matt. Coach: “Edge and Lita, God bless this couple!” Lawler: “She took his dreams of a future family away!” SEE U IN THE FUTURE FAMILY. JR: “Witchy woman!”
Commercials. I kinda thought the “commander” in this ad for Battalion Wars looked like Sofa when I saw that ad this weekend. Not so sure why now.
THIS FEUD IS TOTALLY GONNA MAKE ME, I SWEAR is escorted away by SLATER VAINS.
We cut directly to MARY-TRISH AND ASHLEY. Trish looks at Ashley’s bra. Then MAE OLD HAHAHA NOT YOUNG AT ALL comes out and flashes the camera. She’s wearing a bra. THE ORIGINAL MR. MONEYBAGS, “SLACKJAW” BU DUGAN and JIMMY “CHEAP SHAFT KNOCKOFF” SNUKA appear. So does THE ORIGINAL MRS. MONEYBAGS. Moolah tries to contain Mae’s hilarious senility. Dibiase and Duggan set aside their bitter rivalry over the Million Dollar Belt to be grossed out. Dibiase offers Mae a big pile of money to put her shirt on and I can’t help it, I’m enjoying this. She pulls her shirt off completely and just starts yanking on his arm as he tries not to crack up. Moolah tells Mae she’s sick of her always being “drunk or naked” (why not both?) and pulls her away. Superfly grabs the money from Dibiase’s hands (calling him “Bruddah,”) promises to pay him back, and tries to pay “Sister Mae” for her sexual attentions. I feel really dirty about having liked that.
WHY AM I WEARING A BEAUTY PAGEANT DRESS? introduces TO MAKE MY ROBES LOOK MORE MASCULINE. He yells about how he’s back, baby, thanks to Trips. Who the Hell is this Carlitos Colon chappy he mentioned? JR: “THEY’RE GONNA GET IT AWWWWWN!”
Commercials. A.M. RAW, according to this ad, is RAW highlights with a special grainy filter. Maybe I could offer Mideon RAW and quietly rebeak Sailor Moon R in the corner. I’ve had jokes for a rebeak of the first episode of R in the back of my head for at least three years now.
Our Subway Eat Fresh of the Week is Carlito yelling really fast.
C IS FOR COOKIE, THAT’S COOL ENOUGH FOR ME and WHEN ARE YOU GONNA KILL ME, BOSS are out, one at a time. Wow, check out the fans in the goofy Caribbean hats with the apple sign. Coach fulfills his contractual obligation to talk about JR’s lack of respect for Masters’ entrance before JR can say anything. Here’s a camera pan across the legends, huh, one of whom I don’t recognize. TELL THOSE WHIPPERSNAPPERS IN THE LEGENDS SEATS NOT TO TOUCH MY ROBE gets the first entrance. Trips is pretty confident in allowing Ric a chance to out-pop him. JR: “His best friend is back!” He found his tire-iron and he’s ready to shoot monocles out of his eye all, night, long! I’VE BEEN NOT CHAMPION FOR OVER A MONTH SO SHUT UP SMARKS manages to out-pop Flair pretty easily, which makes sense since he actually went away for awhile. Trips stands around breathing in the weird, glowy-lights. He’s doing…babyface poses. Ok JR, you’re completely undermining the pop with this “the rafters are shaking” bullshit. It’s the biggest entrance in the history of our great sport, fans! Trips poses on the turnbuckles. Camera, get the Hell off his ass. Masters and Carlito try to jump them, but the faces (!?!?) clear the ring quickly. Trips offers Ric a high-five, but best friends gotta hug! Masters tries to distract Trips so Carlito can jump Hunter, but Hunter sees him coming. Flair tagged in for some double chops. Double Flair Strut. Carlito bails in the face of this tandem offense. Let’s take a break.
Commercials. Doom, starring The Rock. I did enjoy The Rock’s interview on The Daily Show, when Jon Stewart was like, “You’re making a movie of Doom? You’re playing the dude!?”
We’re back, and shockingly, Carlito is on offense against Flair. Carlito goes outside to get an apple. And…he spits it in Flair’s face, then…puts Flair in the Figure-4! Nice. Triple H does some goofy “turn it over” pantomimes. JR: “Carlito isn’t cooperating!” OMG JR’S EXPOSING THE BUSINESS! Triple H gets sick of watching, so he runs in and breaks it up. Carlito kicks Flair in the corner. Slap to Flair. Another. Now he talks smack to Triple H, but turns right into some chops. Flair…just keeps chopping, but Carlito reverses a whip and catches Ric in a spinebuster. Thankfully, no Arn mention from JR. Not when his best friend Trips is here. Carlito struts, then goes up, HAHAHA, Flair throws him off the top. JR says he took a page out of “Flair Illustrated.” Elderly Weekly. Flair wants a tag, but he Flops just short of Trips, which is hilarious. Masters in, but he gets low-blowed while the ref is with Trips. Tag to Carlito, tag to Trips. Trips clotheslines both heels a million times before switching to a high-knee for Carlito. Masters hits him with something, but gets high-kneed. Spinebuster for Carlito. Spinebuster for Masters. JR: “Those Double-A version spinebusters are deadly, and Triple H does them better than anybody!” So why aren’t they Triple H versions? Triple H goes outside and gets the sledgehammer FOR NO REASON. Unless he’s turning heel on Flair here. Masters backs away, but Carlito attacks Trips from behind. Triple H quickly sends him into the corner and sets him up for the Pedigree. Masters wants to sledgehammer Trips from behind, but Flair clips his leg. Pedigree for Carlito, 1, 2, 3. Friends gotta hug some more. No one is turning on anyone here. If that happens, it will be a show-closer. Oh, wait, nevermind, Trips just hit Flair with the sledge. I figured they’d wait a week. HAHAHA, there’s a close-up of some little girl who looks like she’s going to die of shock. Flair is all bloody. Trips punches away. Slap for Flair. After all this time, it only makes sense that Trips initiates the Trips/Flair feud, because Flair can never do shit. Not to mention that no one would have sided with Trips if Flair finally betrayed him. More punching. There’s another sledge-shot to the face. Flair is pretty bloody. This has to be about the fourtieth most bloody I’ve ever seen him. Trips beats Flair up at ringside. Hahaha, Harley Race is just kinda watching with unveiled disinterest. He should be happy! His arch-enemy from the fourth century is being beaten up by a guy who loves high-knees! You know who else loves high-knees? Rob Van Dam.
It has the word “high” in it.
Commercials. Shut up, Shaq. I can tell Shaq to shut up, right?
Moments ago, Ric should have let Masters kill Triple H, because this replay basically shows Masters lining up a certainly fatal shot. Now we see a WWE.com exclusive of Triple H attacking Flair backstage. And yet, I’m not at WWE.com right now. So…wait, how can I possibly be seeing this? And now…Trips beats him up backstage, and it isn’t a WWE.com exclusive anymore. Now the contents of a table is poured on Flair. Shades of Ric Flair’s fancy dining table. Trips holds Ric close and declares himself “the King of Kings.” Dude, HBK isn’t gonna like that. More slapping. JR: “No!” He sounds annoyed. Now Trips tosses Flair into a limousine. That’s…odd. Sledge-shot for the limo, which takes off. I bet Taker is driving it. JR: “The debauchery! The vileness!” Um…that wasn’t really debauchery, so much.
Commercials. I hope Triple H, or whoever has the book, understands that pretty much no one (except maybe Boobermonkeys) wants to see Triple H win this feud. Though now that I think about it, I don’t see what I’m expecting Trips realizing that is going to do.
Half-an-hour left, and we have a six-man tag before the main event. Something is gonna be short and disappointing. Well, wait, am I saying Cena vs Bischoff should be a twenty minute plus modern epic?
Oh yeah, and we still have to watch Hulk. And The Rock has to get HASSAN’D.
PLEASE PANTS, I MAY NEVER BE ON TV AGAIN, SO PLEASE DON’T FALL DOWN is pretty happy for someone whose best friend Flair just got beaten up by Flair’s best friend Triple H. Ric and Arn have been on the outs since Arn saw in Ric’s diary how Triple H was his best friend and Arn was just number 2 and then Ric said only a bitch would read his diary like that but I bet when they make up they’ll hug and give each other pedicures. Anyway, Arn and a bunch of other legends are in the ring. There’s…Dean Malenko. I like Dean Malenko, but was he really a big enough deal in the WWE to be here? Well, he’s in there with some guys who are more “old and still alive” than “legendary wrestlers,” so I’ll let it go. *WAVES FINGER AT DIRECTOR OF AUTHORITY VINCE RUSSO WHILE BABBLING INCOHERANTLY* has the mic. Yes, the spokesperson for all of the legends is RAW legend Dusty Rhodes. Arn nods all goofily when Dusty talks about all the noggin’s Arn has beaten on. Dusty talks about how “Superstar” Billy Graham could use a bearhug or a full-nelson. Gee, he sounds pretty boring. Dusty just starts randomly naming stars ala Ric Flair. Dusty: “Speaking of Harley Race,” YOU WERE ALL HACONN’D invades! Oh this is beautiful. Conway: “Please! Am I at WWE Homecoming, or am I at a nursing home? This is pathetic.” Melina Face. Conway: “What’s that smell? You smell that? Did one of you forget to change your Depends? I say! You should change those things. But this is supposed to be a homecoming, and not a funeral, and each and every one of you looks like you’re about half dead! So what you so-called legends need to do right now is get your asses back on your bus, go back to your old holk’s…home, and make room for the next generation! You need to make room, for Rob Conway!” Dusty is shocked that he dares “crack whip” with these legends. Don’t you dare crack whip on Rocky Johnson (who doesn’t appear to be here. Wait, there’s a parrot, so Koko may be shriveled up and hiding behind Dusty’s girth.) Dusty: “The table that you eatin’ off right now was built by these legends right here! Without that table, you wouldn’t have any food!” Um, he isn’t eating the table. Wow, is that Steamboat? He looks…like young Ricky Steamboat with grey hair. Conway dare not crack whip with the legendary Howard Finkel. Howard Finkel is so much better than Lillian Garcia. The Heartthrobs should sex him. Dusty starts talking about Harley Race. Conway: “Harley Race? You talkin’ bout the five time, nine time, ten time world champion, you talkin’ about him settin’ the table? (to Harley) Cause it looks like you haven’t passed up any buffet tables…” and there’s a punch by Handsome Harley. I was hoping for a headbutt. Punch from Pat Patterson. Punch from Hacksaw. Dusty does the Flip Flop Fly, and haha, about half the legends are doing the motions with him. Bionic Elbow. Whichever Von Erich isn’t dead does the Iron Claw, and Ted Dibiase is in the backgrounded marking the fuck out, which is kind of nice. Coach: “Rob, ya gotsta get outta there!” The superstars want Superfly to go up. Haha, Jimmy Hart is yelling into the megaphone. Coach: “Jimmy Snuka hasn’t flown in years!” I thought he said “moved,” which was funny. Now they play Superfly’s theme. That was kind of fun. Conway cut a really generic promo and didn’t do a whole lot, but damn it, the guy spent like two years pretending to like Quebec FOR NO REASON so he’s ok by me.
Before anyone smarks out, I know Dusty was never on RAW. I also know that he was in WWE and is not a NWA/WCW only guy. There is no end to the uselessness of my knowledge of Dusty.
I forgot the Bra and Panties thing too. Where are they gonna cram this all in? The answer? Between hot babes’ open legs because that is where the vagina is located. I had to change the word order there because of syntax issues. I’m worrying about my syntax while misquoting all-caps Test.
EVIL BIMBOS invade. I am surprisingly stuck on names for this trio of evil chicks. If Ashley or Christie ever teamed up with a third chick to form a stable, they could be “Totally Spaz.” Like that CN show Totally Spies? There are three of them. Three spies. Or maybe they’re individually total spies. Forget it. JR announces that USA has granted them extra time. Crap. I was seriously on track to finish this all tonight, too. Why does the GoDaddy one have a wand? I bet it doesn’t shoot lunar energy or friendship. I bet it shoots venereal diseases. Bring me my femmy scepter AT ONCE! I should have written that FFX ending for the Angus Invitational. Don’t bother going back and following the thought-process there, it isn’t worth it. GOOD BIMBOS make their way out. Trish has leather-looking pants and a leather-looking top. I have no problem with that. The evil chicks knock Trish off the apron as she comes in, and triple-team Ashley. They rip-off her shirt. Ashley fights off all three heels, and tears off Victoria’s shirt. Victoria chases her around ringside, and runs into a clothesline by Trish on the floor. The non-Victoria girls fight in the ring. Both Torrie and Candice lose their bras. Trish’s pants aren’t going anywhere. Lawler: “I think everyone is down to their bras but Trish!” JR: “And the referee.” HAHAHA. Man, I think JR cracks me up so much when he scores a funny because I never see it coming. All of the women run around some more. Well, Victoria and Trish do, but the others just stand there. Trish goes for Stratusfaction on Victoria, Victoria blocks and starts to pull of Trish’s pants, but Trish finishes the move. Victoria is depantsed and sent to the floor. I’m thinking that’s it for her. Candice is depantsed. Torrie finally loses her pants. It’s over. That was something of a rout. Do you think the babyface girls will strip anyway? Oddly, no.
THERE WILL BE NO SELF-DESTRUCTION OF ERIC BISCHOFF DVD. IT WILL BE CALLED THE RISE AND FALL OF ERIC BISCHOFF INSTEAD punches the air. BURT MAN-DRILL comes in and wonders what Ken Kennedy will do tonight. Uh…that’s random. Bischoff has a master plan. Now that Vince is gone, Bischoff is back in charge, and reinstitutes his No DQ clause for the match with Cena. Angle will be in Bischoff’s corner. HEEL.
Commercials. The edited highlights of the “friends gotta hug” promo is pretty great. Eddie rambles a lot in his promos, but he usually says something good in there somewhere. And Dave? I’d say I’ve stopped the hatin’ if I’d ever hated on him to begin with. Hey, there’s some Sesame Street show called “Super Grover: Ready for Action” playing locally. This is how Super Grover kick it!
THERE’S THE FRESNO STATE BULLDOG RIGHT THERE WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF and MOO take over announcing duties for the Smackdown match. SHUCKY DUCKY, QUACK QUACK, QUACK QUACK dances with *SOUNDS OF WHATEVER KEN KENNEDY’S LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL IS*. Our nonsensical 6 man could have been dropped to keep the show down to 3 hours, couldn’t it? OH SHIT THE BOY’S RICH I’D BETTER TACK A SAN ONTO HIS NAME (w/I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER I WAS RICH SOONER and HOMEYS, OVER HERE!) is out here to remind me that at least I got to remind the world of Chad and Grandpa. The great irony of their Angus run is that I had no idea who this “Mars Volta” band Mideon was bitching about was so I didn’t get most of the Chad jokes. MAYBE I LEFT THAT TOOTH ON RAW is out next, followed shortly by HUGGLES VON HUGGLEBURG. Dude, where were you when Ric Flair was being brutally murdered? Oh, wait, they were enemies when last together. JINDRAK’S BASKETBALL LEARNER learned Jindrak how to play basketball. Shut up. I was out of JBL jokes when we switched brands. I should note that since this is in Dallas, we are reminded he is from New York City and thus has no Earthly idea what pecante sauce should taste like. Wow, Orlando Jordan has put on a lot of weight! Oh, nevermind, it’s just some random fat Black limo dude. IF I HAVE TO FEUD WITH MATT HARDY NOW I AM GOING TO FIND EDGE AND SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE gets a really short entrance, and is quickly followed by KERWIN WHITE’S UNCLE. Dave points and smiles at his buddy who is not on his team. Teddy Long joins us on commentary. And…makes no sense. JBL and Batista circle, but NOT IN MY BACK YARD WHICH IS DIFFERENT FROM TAKER’S YARD invades. Bischoff says it’s “lights out.” And he turns down the ring lights. Taker invasion? Nah, that would require Taker to do something. Bischoff laughs like this is the best thing ever as we go to commercials. This is perfect, actually. I got to use some Hikawa Homeboy nicknames without having to rebeak a match. Nice. I suppose I have Steve Austin to thank for this. I knew he wasn’t supposed to talk that long.
Commercials. This has been, um, a long show. Why hello, Mideon has rebeaked the show that came on after this one. Wow, did he just confuse Kwang with The White Angel Hakushi? That’s like confusing Savio Vega with Jinsei Shinzaki. HAHAHA oh God I’m not funny.
I hit Wikkipedia up to double check Hakushi’s Jappy stage name. While there, I searched for “Yuichirou Kamada.” There’s nothing about Sailor Moon, but it does lead to a link called “Japanese war crimes in mainland Asia.” Then I realized it’s “Kumada.” That’s a good thing, because I didn’t want to have to go back up two paragraphs and make war crime jokes.
MEAN WOO BY GOD GENE WOO OKERWOOLUNDWOO introduces HOGAN KNOWS IT’S GOT THE AIR THING. Anybody remember that “Bo Knows it’s got the air thing” commercial? No? Oh. Personally, I like the Speed Racer Geico ad because Chim Chim is nodding sagely in the background when Trixie makes her big announcement. So, JR and Lawler kiss Hogan’s leathery ass. Even Coach sucks up. Fan sign: “HULK KNOWS NOTHING.” Heh. Okerlund: “I do wanna pose a question to you tonight. What’s next?” Golderberg should jump in and start screaming about how “It’s not whose next, no, the question is, whose next!” He said that once and it was funny. Hogan starts ranting, but I don’t feel like counting the brothers. Hulk Hogan saw one man as he peered around the curtain. He wants Austin. Yuck. His music plays. JR and Coach, together: “What would happen!” I’d start getting really into TNA. JR: “Has Hogan thrown down a gauntlet?” He probably has some left over from his youth.
Commercials. Cena vs Bischoff is gonna be kind of an anti-climax. USA announcer: “Brandon Frasier wants his mummy…TO DIE!” Oh God, is USA somehow more retarded than Spike?
Our Spiderman Rewind doesn’t involve Sean O’Haire even a little bit.
TURTLENECKS KNOW WHAT’S UPis out for the ten-billionth time tonight, along with MY MOUTH GUARD IS STUPID. UGH. The WWE Championship graphic features the Retardo Belt. MY CELLPHONE SERVICE PROVIDER IS POSER MOBILE comes out and starts spazzing out like a third grader. You know how when guys turn heel now, they just take their old theme music and slow it way down? Heel Cena’s would open with a clip from that weird “alien clones of Fred and Barney invade Bedrock” episode where the Fred clones went “YABBA…DABBA…DO” in monotone. I’m almost positive that really happened. Kurt Angle takes a seat at ringside. The ref holds the belt aloft, and as always, the spinner is off-center and stupid-looking. Cena points at Kurt while making “concerned” faces. Bischoff does karate dancing. Cena is basically looking at Angle more than Eric. Eric tries a kick, but Cena catches it. He does the “too far away for you to punch me” thing, then decks him. Bischoff tries another kick, but is again decked. Kurt grabs Cena’s foot on the apron, but Cena hammers him into the post. Eric sneaks in some kicks from behind, but Cena basically no-sells and slams him. YCSM, FKS. Signalling for the F-U, but Kurt attacks, and…runs right into F-U position…but Eric breaks it up with a low blow. Eric covers for 2. Angle tries for a running chairshot, but hits the ropes and bounces the chair into his own head. Stupid. Eric wants the chair, but Cena steps on it. F-U. 1, 2, 3. What a main event. Kurt attacks. They trade punches. YES, THANK YOU TEDDY LONG, YOU CAN GO HOME NOW invades? Teddy wants to do it “gangsta style.” THIS IS HOW SMACKDOWN KICK IT invades! OMG JBL IS PUSHING BISCHOFF! Batistabomb set up, but IT’S A SIN TO GOD TO PRAISE THE FROG makes the save. Shelton Benjamin would never let someone hurt his good friend Eric Bischoff! And…we out, we out.
Final Thoughts: That was definately longer than usual.
