CHING AND CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE: Cao Pi unified China in ROTTKX, though it took some doing as he kept dying of old age in his mid-forties. Psh. Now I’m giving Pang Tong a try. Everybody Pang Tong tonight. Somehow, Cao Cao stupidly allowed Shu to take the city where he’d been keeping the Han Emporer. Hahahaha. Liu Bei was all, “I am soooo restoring the Han. Stand up straight, kid. And wipe that schmutz off your mouth, there.”
Actually, now that I’m done talking about ROOFLES, I have some crap to say about Dynasty Warriors too. It was weeks ago, come to think of it, but I finally beat a musou on Chaos difficulty. And you know (and by you I mean everyone in the world) how when you beat it on Normal, the narrator just says something about how “these tales are told even today,” but if you beat it on Hard, he says something about these tales “fascinating their listeners even today?” On Chaos, he claims that the heroes of these tales “are worshipped like the gods themselves.” I never even played Easy. I bet he says, “these tales are still known by a handful of nerds who lust after Lu Xun.” And since I’m sure you’re all wondering, I won with Zhen Ji. Lu Xun’s big rival for Cao Pi’s heart.
SAILOR MOON: Despite the pleas of Uranus and Neptune, Sailor Moon hands the all-important Purity Chalice over to the Mistress 9-possessed Hotaru Tomo. In neither Japanese nor English does the dialogue do justice to the look on Uranus’ face. Just a beautifully rendered expression of “You aren’t really that stupid, are you? You’re just kidding me here, right?” Later, Uranus is knocked on her ass. IRONY.
We’re live from Waco! Get Paul Heyman to hand out Kool-Aid. Yeah, that was a completely different cult. Alright, let’s have the audience enter into a bloody standoff with Nunzio and…what’s the other guy’s name? Vito? Meh. I swear I watch(ed) Velocity, but I forgot that guy’s name for a minute. How do you fire Stamboli and then hire that guy? Stamboli had that loveable grin! HEIDENREICH TAUGHT ME TO WALK is Vince McMahon, and he’s practically goose-stepping to the ring. When ascending the stairs, he basically stomps melodramatically on each step and I’m starting to see how he could blow out of his knee walking to the ring. Fan sign: “IT’S THE BOSS! TRY TO LOOK BUSY!” Springsteen? Anyway, Vince thanks Spike TV for being such a good partner to the WWE. Then he says that next week, WWE returns to *silent bleep.* They’re censoring him? Wow, what a bunch of dicks. Anyway, Vince starts pimping next week’s card when I WON AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL FOR MY HOME COUNTRY, THE *SILENT BLEEP* interrupts. Maybe *silent bleep* should be *sounds of people saying “USA”*. McMahon conducts the “You suck” chants. He was giving the fans hand-signs to cheer louder for his entrance too. As tiring as Heel Vince is, I think I prefer him to Face Vince. Who is kinda like Fake Vince. Did Vince ever get HASSAN’D? Because he’s been interrupted by everyone else. Angle says that he deserves a title shot more than Bischoff (well, yeah) but that next week’s title match is cool as long as Angle gets the next shot. Because he’s perfectly willing to face Bischoff. Heh. Vince tends to agree, but NEXT WEEK I WILL BE HOMECOMING QUEEN comes out. That’s courtesy of Mideon, modified for this week because I didn’t trust myself to remember it next week for the actual homecoming show. I would have gone with something lame, like “if I was from Hawaii I wouldn’t be your poi toy.” Vince dances like a fag with HBK because Vince sucks. HBK wants a title match. Angle mentions that he made HBK tap at Wrestlemania. HBK: “I remember Wrestlemania, I was there!” But HBK mentions Vengeance. “We’re even, Stephen!” Now they can be friends! Vince: “Next week at Homecoming, it’s gonna be Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels, yeah, in a Rubber Match!” How’s that? A ring made of rubber? Con-dom on a pole? Oh, wait, now I get it. And he makes it a thirty-minute Iron Man Match. I would be pretty hopped-up about that if I didn’t have to rebeak it. It’s amazing how rebeaking makes you enjoy short, talky segments. Preferably featuring guys who already got nicknames so you can skip that part. Vince says it’s time for our first match, so with everyone still in the ring, out comes I LOST MY COWBOY HAT) (w/I LOST MY BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAP.) Lawler tells us Trish vs Victoria is next.
Commercials. Some fatty brags about how you “don’t have to get off your couch” to find a world of entertainment. It’s a local cable ad. They shouldn’t have selected a fatty to pitch this one.
Our Dropping Pops of the Night are (in reverse order) Victoria’s finisher the Widow’s Peak, Trish’s finisher the X-Factor, and Maria’s finisher the kind of nudging Ashley in the back roughly. JR: “Trish gets the victory, and then gets beat up for her efforts, along with Ashley.” Getting beaten up is bad, but getting Ashley? Cruel.
Wow, never heard this part of Trish’s music before. I … A I N ’ T … T H E … L A D Y … T O … M E S S … W I T H (w/WE ARE MUCH MORE SUITED FOR WITH-MESSING) are out. Victoria’s music just gets worse and worse. They slowed it way down to make it evil, which is what that stupid nickname is meant to represent. Here’s a brief, pointless “technical difficulties” screen. They weren’t even talking about USA. Trish has the dog again. Maybe it’s Fifi. Heavily Modified Fifi. Victoria and Trish have a staredown. Victoria with pokey, pokey poking. Punches exchanged, Victoria throws a knee. Trish sent to the corner, but she floats out and gets a rana. Victoria ends up on the floor, Trish gives chase, but gets driven back-first into the apron. Victoria whips Trish into the security railing, and she spills over it into the crowd. Quite the manly bump. Womanly. It wasn’t girly. Coach: “Victoria ready to go, with Demolition on her mind!” Here comes Candice, here comes Torrie yeah, the Demolition, in-ring disaster, pain and destruction, are their middle names! Haha, that guy in the crowd is wearing a Cena shirt, cargo pants and a Cena hat, so for a second I thought Cena put on a ton of weight since last week and is cheering Trish on from the third row. Trish gets on the railing and gives Victoria a flying clothesline. Trish sends Victoria in, but is tripped up by Torrie and falls on her face. Candice and Torrie celebrate, but Ashley attacks horribly. Victoria comes back out to dispatch her. Throwing Trish back in, Victoria…slingshot legdrop for a long 2. She slams Trish’s face right into the mat. Victoria with…what the Hell do you call that? She went for a front chancery, then flipped forward so she ends up with Trish in a reverse chinlock while Victoria is forming a bridge by pressing arching her back and balancing on her feet and the top of her head! That’s like something my Sailor Venus CAW would do. Puts the Satellite Maneuver to shame. I’d hate to say it, but my gut reaction to this is that Victoria is wrestling for her damned job. Ashley is watching from floor, and looks vaguely dazed. And not in-character selling a beating dazed, because she’s slamming the apron with her palms. Coach talks about Ashley learning from watching the other women, and how Victoria is teaching a real lesson. I look forward to Ashley applying a front chancery and turning it into a reverse chinlock with bridge. Victoria scoops up Trish like she wants a human torture rack, but spins her around and drops her into a sideslam. Nice. It gets a long 2. “Let’s Go Trish” chant. Trish reverses a corner whip, but runs into an elbow. Victoria going up top, but Trish somersaults in looking for the Stratusphere…Victoria blocks! Pulling her up for a possible Splash Mountain Bomb (!?!?) but Trish punches her in the face to block that. Now they’re trading punches on the top turnbuckle, and they both fall to the outside! If this was ECW, the fans would be chanting “You Fucked Up,” probably. That was a pretty nasty bump, though Trish managed to kill most of her momentum by landing on the apron and rolling to the floor. Candice is right there, but lacks the sense to cheat. Both women back in the ring slowly. Trading punches. Trish takes over, Victoria reverses a whip, Trish ducks a clothesline…spinebuster by Trish! Shades of Arnette Anderson. Amy Anderson. It wasn’t the 180° rotation version, but that never stops JR. Trish covers for a long 2. Victoria with a clothesline, Trish evades with the Matrix-like Womaneuver (JR: “The Matrish!”) and it’s kick, wham, stand around posing making me think Victoria is going to reverse even though she doesn’t, Statusfaction connects! The evil chicks come and act as Dairy Queens. Ashley comes in, hahaha, frickin’ Candice clotheslines her before she can do anything. Trish now recovers, kicking Candice and Torrie down. She whips Torrie into Victoria, sending Victoria to the floor. Chick Kick for Torrie. Candice now after Trish, but Ashley saves (yeah, because Trish was in so much trouble) with an attack from behind. Coach: “I don’t believe Candice likes being on the receiving end of any shots whatsoever.” She hates needles. Hmm…Candice is really the only one wearing a dress…and, yep, she gets stripped to her bra and panties. Candice is horrified, fleeing to her heelish compatriots, who help cover her. Even though Torrie is showing more skin and Victoria’s tights have little ass panels on them. Candice gets a mic, and demands vengeance for this humiliation. Handicap bra and panties match next week. I read a few recaps making wacky, wacky jokes about how Candice needs to never get another mic, but that was actually as good as I’ve ever heard her. Faint praise, of course. Hahaha, Victoria is scooting along with Candice, spreading her (Victoria’s) arms and doing a modified version of Blue Blazer trying to stop the fans from seeing the half-nekkid chick behind her. It’s doubly funny since even the new, fake-Chyna Victoria is my favorite diva to look at. Am I nuts, or was that a really good match? Great, now Ashley and Trish try to ruin it as Ashley waves the (red) dress around and Trish does little bull horns with her fingers and charges it. Lawler: “Look at the little bull! *sounds of…I’m gonna assume he’s trying to summon dogs or something.*” Wait, whose music is playing? Isn’t that Torrie’s old music?
Big Show finds some random guy in a hallway and contains the urge to eat him.
Commercials. That musical dilemma was bugging me, so I sat through a bunch of ads on WWE.com to listen to entrance videos. You get the music that played at the end of that match by picking Candice, but it may be Ashley’s now, even though I thought she had that “To free an elf is all that Boo can see” song. I need to take a deep breath; I’m trying to keep the divas straight.
THE RAW HOMECOMING BETTER BE CATERED is set to take on CHEER UP SLEEPY GENE, OH WHAT CAN IT MEAN TO A, DAYDREAM BELIEVER AND A, HOMECOMING QUEEN in a street fight. Snitsky’s name is inspired by the HBK nickname and, ironically, involves sleepiness while the Big Show’s does not. These two ought to have their street fight on *rock lick* Bad Street, Atlanta GA. Because neither of these guys are good. Big Show ate Michael “Post Script” Hayes. Dat’s what I hoid. Fan sign: “Watch The Big Show!” He eats, he sleeps, he eats some more! Another “technical difficulties” screen flashes. I guess the on-screen scroll is mentioning USA. Oh jeez, then it just flashed on for like a quarter of a second. Subliminally advertising the hot new show, “RAW we’re experiencing technical difficulties please stand by...WWE Spike.” Show will be on Conan O’Brien tomorrow (today.) Demanding corned beef and cabbage. Anyway, Snitsky comes out with a chair. I’d call him the Chairman of the WWE, but I’d hate to get hate mail from the legions of La Parka fans. Also, because I like La Parka. Show dodges the initial charge, punches Snitsky’s chair into his face, and starts doing his slaps and shit. Snitsky reverses a whip and throws a knee. JR: “That might have been a low-blow right there, and if so, it was legal!” If he hit him above the belt, it would be a DQ. Snitsky goes outside, lookin’ fo plundah. He tosses a garbage can into the ring, then hits Show with a cookie sheet or something a few times. Covering for 2. Snitsky has the can, and hits Show, but Show slaps it away. Now Show has the can, wedges it in the corner, and whips Snitsky into it. Show trying for the Fatvalanche, but Snitsky sidesteps and knees him, causing Show to kinda fall into the can. The trash can, not the john. Snitsky goes back outside, and gets another can. Snitsky wants to backdrop Show onto a can (yeah right) but Show reverses and sorta side-suplexes him onto it. Chokeslam. Show sticks his tongue out. He goes outside. He looks under the ring. Coach: “Maybe Big Show has a couple of toys of his own!” Pervert. Show pulls out a kitchen sink HAHAHAHAHAHA AND THE GOOD NEWS IS HE SAVED A LOT OF MONEY ON HIS CAR INSURANCE BY SWITCHING TO GEICO. JR says Show hit Snitsky with everything else. Because the only objects that exist in this universe are kitchen sinks, trash cans and ham hands. Anyway, kitchen sink-shot (that’s not even a new joke in hardcore matches, is it?) and it’s over. Somebody told Coach about Spike silent bleeping stuff, so he basically says “hey, it turns out we’re being censored, and *silent bleep.*” That’s actually pretty funny.
WHY DO I HAVE AN ENTRANCE VIDEO? is Maria. She’s talking to A MORE CREATIVE WAY TO CENSOR “USA” WOULD BE TO PLAY PRERECORDED WOOS, but it’s off-mic. She touches the eye. He sells the pain. It all leads to footage of last week. We come back to Maria kissing Ric on the cheek. Ric wanders off, lost. Lawler says Ric will talk…NEXT!
Commercials. Lots and lots of UFC-type stuff next week on Spike. So…don’t watch.
Ultimate Warrior DVD of Destrucity ad. Lawler and JR think he’s a coward for not coming onto a prerecorded WWE internet show to have his words rearranged so he looks like a raving mad…well, I suppose they wouldn’t need to do much editing. WE’RE GOING BACK TO TBS? WOO! comes out and mentions no longer having Horsemen watching his back. But next week, he gets Triple H back, and that’s as good as like seven Paul Romas. Flair: “Game on! Woo!”
Triple H video. I’d just as soon he came back with no lead-in. “I am the debt who can’t be paid, something something down in flames.” Lyrics by John Cena.
BORING STUPID AND NOT WELL-DRESSED is on the phone dropping the names of other big guests for next week. WHOA HOAH HOAH THAT KITCHEN SINK BIT WAS FUNNY THOUGH IT COULD HAVE USED MORE POOP HUMOR comes in and yells “HE’LL CALL YA BACK” into Bischoff’s cell which is supposed to be funny. Cena: “Eric Bischoff is a ninja in four states!” He says “shuriken” as “sure-oo-cane.” Hey, the power went out at my house! Oh shit, it came back.
Commercials. Some shitty movie.
Our Snickers Really Satisfying of the Week is…random Shelton Benjamin highlights from like four or five different matches.
EBONY is out. And, yes, his opponent is IVORY (w/HER SCARF.) Yes, that caddy dude’s first WV nickname is a reference to Ivory’s scarf. It was either that or “The foot pedals, I guess.” Lawler: “Caddies are always the unsung heroes of golf.” Shelton gets a mic and says his hat is off to Kerwin. HE HAS NO HAT IT’S A CON! The caddy, Shelton tells us, washes Kerwin’s balls. Shelton tries to start a “Chavo Sucks” chant. Shelton attacks quickly, sending Kerwin to the ropes and alley ooping him. But Kerwin dropkicks his leg out of his leg and drop-toe-holds him into the bottom buckle, I think. The caddy distracts the ref so Kerwin can choke Shelton with his sweater. Kerwin does something else, slaps on a modified Ninja Chokeout and starts screaming that his name is Kerwin White, not Chavo. Benjamin powers out and punches away. Back body drop by Shelton. Kerwin tries to toss Shelton to the floor, but Shelton skins the cat. More punching. Kerwin sent to the corner for the Stingar Splash. I’m trying to beak this one live, in case you can’t tell. Kerwin ends up on the apron, Shelton tries to suplex him in, but the caddy grabs his foot and helps Kerwin come down on top of Shelton for 3. I assume that’s what happened, as Shelton’s foot is just out of the shot. Shelton tries to attack Kerwin after bell. Mugging. The caddy saves with a club-shot. Lawler: “I’ll never forget the time I had to knock out Tiger Woods!” Jesus Christ that’s racist. Here’s a replay, with JR claiming the caddy cheated and our heels protesting, and holy crapnut, they completely blew two camera angles here, as you really can’t see the cheating. Shelton lies around being all devastated. Coach: “Shelton deserves everything he got!” JR: “How do ya figure?” Coach: “Well, he attacked K-White! And that’s what you get when you attack K-White!” If you’d mentioned that he attacked after the bell, I’d have been with you.
Commercials. The heels have an easy time of it when the camera misses all the cheating. Shut up, hairy underwear dud. Who the fuck is Johnny Ohm? Don’t answer that.
Raw Magazine wants us to go behind the scenes at Carlito’s Cabana. Behind that one fake palm tree.
JR can’t figure out why there’s a ladder in the ring. Gee, you think it might have something to do with promoting next week’s ladder match? I LOOK LIKE A FISH and I SMELL LIKE A FISH come out. Lita is wearing a neckbrace. Lita says a bunch of crap, bungling through boring stuff. Lita: “Matt accomplished and proved what a pathetic loser he is!” Blah blah. Lita: “I’m gonna speak for the entire world, including myself!” JR: “She’s evil!” The interesting thing about this is when she mentions Edge AND Christian vs The Hardy BOYZ. Now Edge says whoever loses next week kills their career. Because Smackdown is CAREER DEATH. Edge says Matt won’t be able to whine on the internet anymore. Loser Must Leave The Internet. Or maybe they have to be really positive online. ORLANDO JORDAN FEUD, HERE I COME comes out and threatens to push down the ladder that I neglected to mention Edge climbed up. Edge is scared. Matt starts to leave BUT IT WAS A CON and he kinda trips up in the ropes making his pretend departure even stupider before shoving over the ladder.
WELL, AT LEAST HE HATES CENA is hangin’ out. WWE’S BEST GM BY DEFAULT shows up. Teddy didn’t come to get Eric all “razzle dazzled.” They argue, though Teddy wonders where all the hatin’ is comin’ from. From haterdemons, natch. Teddy asks Eric if it would be ok for Smackdown susperstars to appear on next week’s RAW Reunion for free publicity. Bischoff basically says “Why the Hell would I allow that?” in some of the strongest wrestling logic in a long time. TEDDY LONG’S FAVORITE CIVIL RIGHTS LEADER shows up. Remember when there was always a Vince poster and a Martin Luther King Jr poster in Teddy’s office on Smackdown? That may still be the case, actually. Vince says Smackdown gets one match for…no reason, really. Just to make whoever loses the ladder match feel better about their loser brand I tend to prefer, though I have no idea why. Teddy leaves so the big boys can play. Vince randomly brings up how Bischoff could only compete because of Turner’s money. But then he tells him he could win next week. I’m thinking this is a trick. I’m smart like that.
Commercials. I finally get to see the “Club For WWE Merchandise Wearers Only” (aka Club Tard) and they edit out the wacky ending with Coach? Or…was it always unnoticeably short? And…hahaha, they show the RAW “technical difficulties” thing during an ad for motor oil. It must have shown a map of the USA.
VISALAGRA are already in the ring. JR: “V Squared, if you will, Val Venis and Viscera!” Um…V Cubed, maybe? Coach: “That may be the first hip thing I’ve heard you say in a long time, good for you, JR!” OH YES, ROCK! These two sex-having sex-fiends who love to have sex get to job to LET’S DIE YOUNG AND THEN BEAT UP BIGGIE AND TUPAC. I have never been this happy to see Val and Viscera. What is that tattoo on Murdoch’s arm? 8-bit Donkey Kong? JR: “The onis is on Val and Viscera here.” Is that what he said? Cade starts with Val, backing him into the corner. Val blocks a punch on the break and punches away. Val sends Lance into the ropes and elbows him down. Murdoch runs in and gets clotheslined. Cade is scoop slammed. I’m still not sure why that means it’s over, though it may have been explained in a Devestatin’ Dave situation. Anyway, immediately post-elbow he does a lame pose, then hits the ropes. JR: “Val marking his territory here!” Dropping The Porno’s Elbow for 2. Val chops. Lance reverses a whip, but Val gets his boot up and Murdoch charges right into. Val goes up top, but Murdoch shoves him to the floor so the champs can finally get some goddamned offense. Murdoch rolls Val in, and Cade covers for 2. Coach says he’s been talking to Cade and Murdoch, and they were surprised at how many tag teams are gunning for them now that they’re the champs. Um…this is their first tag match since winning the titles, Coach. We can assume they’ll face Hurricane and Rosey eventually, but unless we start seeing Cade and Murdoch vs the Heart Throbs on WWE.com exclusive Heat…I…lost my train of thought. My country rockin’ freight train of thought. Cade tags Murdoch. We get their inverted atomic drop followed by a swinging neckbreaker spot. Murdoch sits on Val’s back and throws some crossfaces. Murdoch tries to cheapshot Viscera, but it’s blocked and he’s headbutted. Val tags Viscera, who dominates both heels with fatness. Cade and Murdoch stacked in the corner for the double fatvalanche. Cade gets tossed. Hurry up and cheat, Cade and/or Murdoch. Viscera with a swinging urunage on Murdoch. No, really. Viscera with a stupid dance. Cade grabs a chair, but gets knocked off the apron. Viscera tags Val, and gives Murdoch a big splash. Venus Love and Beauty Shock by Val? What is this!? I demand the champs go over! Cade slides in to…grabs the ref and draw the DQ? This is BULLSHIT. Val and Vis have no business going over anybody, much less the brand new goddamned champs. I can’t believe this. I was actually happy when I first learned who was wrestling here. Jesus Christ. They should sign Ultimo Dragon back, give him the cruiserweight title on payperview, then make him job non-title to Scotty 2 Hotty on Smackdown.
Haha, I just paralleled Cade and Murdoch with Ultimo Dragon.
I HAVE EXACTLY AS MANY SINGLES WINS AS I HAVE TITLE REIGNS is yelling at *SOUNDS OF TORGO*. Masters is too stupid to tell if Carlito is speaking Spanish or not. Carlito keeps talking about splinters. The turtles’ sensei knows what’s up. Carlito: “We need a plan.” Masters: “A Master Plan!” It would be funny if Masters started softly mumbling at Carlito so we couldn’t hear, and then Carlito could say, “Carlito can’t understand you, speak up!” And Masters would make mumbly sounds really loud. Because he stumbles on his words. Shut up.
Commercials. On some level I just don’t get selling a game about crashing big rigs, which might just appeal to rednecks, by making fun of rednecks. I guess I’d never make it in marketing. This is a variant on my “Some guy yelling Arby’s sandwiches ingredients on a gameshow doesn’t make me want Arby’s” issue. Or the “hairy ugly guy with funny voice going ‘Johnny Ohm!’ doesn’t make me want to play this video game” problem.
SOMEONE ASKED ME WHY I STARED AT A CAN OF ORANGE JUICE FOR HOURS AND I STARED AT THEM FOR HOURS is here. His opponent is JUST, STARE AT ME! YEAH! JUST, STARE AT ME! Lawler: “Listen carefully to the lyrics of his theme song!” Coach: “Could two human beings be less similar, physically?” Well, Conway could have a third hand growing out of his forehead. Conway does armwringery stuff to start. He shoulderblocks Eugene down, causing Eugene to sit in the corner and talk to the HBK doll he brought with him that I forgot to mention. Eugene just walks over and grabs Conway for a random airplane spin. The shades come off. More wackiness results in Conway’s ass being nibbled. Conway: “He bit me!” Conway rolls out of the ring, so Eugene puts on Conway’s sunglasses and does a Too Cool routine. JR says he’s doing “Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmie Valient. You mean that Neo Papa Shango in OVW? Conway attacks from behind. Punching and stuff. Conway does a muscle pose before dropping an elbow. Mounted punching. Conway with a modified Ninja Chokeout. Eugene powers out, so Conway clubbers. He bashes Eugene’s face into the buckles, cause Eugene to Tard Up. “YOU!” Eugene with retardo punches. Looking for the Tard Bottom, but Conway elbows out. Conway wanders into the non-Arn spinebuster. JR: “Now he thinks he’s Arn Anderson!” Just…ugh. It’s very simple, JR, Arn did a completely different version of the move. It’d be a bit like Eugene going for the Jackknife, complete with “I am pulling the chord on a truck’s horn” pantomime, and JR saying, “Now he thinks he’s Great Sasuke with that Thunder Fire Powerbomb!” Retarded Elbow. For 2. Eugene going for the 3-Point Stance. Must think he’s Stan “The Lariat” Hansen. HOLY SHIT, CONWAY HAS THE HBK DOLL! He’s threatening to rip it’s head off! Eugene is panicking! This is awesome. Now Conway shreds fucking the doll, kicks the mourning Eugene in the head, and goes for the Modified Ego Trip! Coach: “Now he’s goin’ for a trip! Eugene’s goin’ for the Ego Trip!” It gets 3, so I guess the Modified Ego Trip (just a neckbreaker with no one’s legs on the ropes/Sylvain Grenier) is the Ego Trip now. Coach points out that that was an HBK doll Conway shredded. Oh shit, we’re not looking at an HBK/Conway feud, are we?
Smackdown Letdown. Batista summons Hilariously Homosexual, MD to reach up Eddie’s ass. Eddie makes faces and monkey noises that somehow manage to make this slightly less funny. Then we get the main event, and Eddie steals the pin in their tag match. Why would Batista give a shit?
Commercials. Don’t care.
Next week, Foley is on Piper’s Pit. I was wondering how they were gonna keep all this celebs down to one or two segments.
A LOT OF COOL PLANS IS WHAT WE GOT is out first, in his new shirt. Do you hate this shirt too Sofa? Huh? Lillian tells us anything goes. Are guns legal in this match, Lillian? DO I SMELL BACON? HONEY, I LOVE YOU! is out. Hoorah. We go to break during Masters’ entrance. Coach and Lawler must be sharing an aneurism right now.
Commercials. Parents steal some kid’s subway sandwich and scold him for buying it and then eat it for themselves. And suddenly I really feel like sneaking out for Taco Bell. So the commercial kind of worked and kind of didn’t.
I DO THINGS, THE HB-WAY is wearing gayer chainmail than usual. Seriously. CHAINMAIL SOLDIER is out shortly. We start with Cena chucking Carlito while HBK chops away at Masters. Cena and Carlito brawl on the floor. HBK and Masters brawl in the ring. Cena sends Carlito back in. HBK tosses Masters. Carlito is side-slammed. Elbowdrop on Carlito by Cena. Cena…goes outside, looks for a table, and ends up trading punches with Masters. He wins by basically ignoring Masters’ punches. Masters gets choked with Cena’s stupid shirt. Carlito comes outside (somehow having gotten some offense against HBK) and clubbers Cena down. Masters and Carlito set up a table on the floor, and for some reason Masters goes back in to trade chops with HBK. On the floor, Carlito tries to suplex Cena through the table, but Cena blocks and bashes him into the apron. Back in the ring, HBK goes into the burrito (mmm…Taco Bell) kip-up superkick sequence. The ref somehow ends up getting kicked, and sent bouncing off the table that was set up outside. But not breaking it. Oops.
Commercials. Digitized Tiger Woods will haunt your soul forever.
We’re back, and Carlito is tossing HBK over the rope to the floor. Meanwhile, Cena hits a melodramatic armdrag on Masters in the ring. Going for the F-U, Carlito tries to break, but gets kicked. Cena kicks at the face, of people, who actually are cool. Masters slides out of the F-U attempt and procures the Masterlock. Well there’s no way the WWE champion can break a full-nelson, so here comes HBK to save. Carlito kicks HBK and gets his trademark DDT. He has trademarked the “always gets a 2 count” DDT. Both heels choke and stuff. Masters takes Cena outside. Both heels…punch and stuff. Kicks by Carlito. Masters whips Cena into the steps. Carlito sends HBK outside. Both heels…wander around. HBK is double-whipped into the apron. OMG devastating. Michaels rolled into the ring. Masters…follows. They stand there. HBK whipped to the ropes, and caught in a press slam. Masters…turns around, looking lost. Carlito is setting up a table, but Cena attacks. Cena tips over the table, because apparently Masters was gonna press slam HBK through it but the camera completely missed it. Too busy trying to avoid any shots of that caddy holding Shelton’s feet. Michaels goes to the eyes to escape whatever. JR says he’s pulling a page from Ric Flair’s book. Ric Flair’s autobiography has a page about halfway through that just says “Gouge them in the eyes! Woo!” in big letters. It is possible, however, that Ric Flair invented eye-gouging. Shortly after inventing fire. Masters ends up whipping Michaels into the corner, where Michaels does his crazy flip and fall to the outside sell. JR: “What kind of Velocity was that?” Rub it in, JR. The heels doubleteam Cena on the floor. Now Cena gets tossed into the ring. Scoop slam by Masters. Masters…wanders around. Carlitos hits HBK. Masters lays the table in the corner. Both heels beat up Cena. Carlito goes over and adjusts the table (setting up one of the support legs and straightening it) because Masters just kinda lay it there and it was pretty much falling over by itself. Carlito ain’t no Steamboat in the ring, but he’s way better than Masters. Masters with a suplex. End. Coach: “These two men need to start thinking about finishing this match right now.” Yes. The heels double-whip Cena towards the table, but HBK spears Cena to save. Doubleteam on HBK. End. HBK whipped to the ropes, but both heels Papa Shango. Cena goes after Masters with tackles and shit. Michaels beats up Carlito. Inverted atomic drop by HBK. Cena bulldogs Masters. Both heels put in separate corners for the 10 punch countalong. The heels are Irish whipped into each other. Double scoop slam. Now they both do the YCSM and the FKS, which makes me want to vomit. Carlito clotheslined to the floor. F-U for Masters. HBK goes outside for whatever reason. Cena pulls that table out of the corner. JR: “He’s a handyman, in more ways than one!” NEXT WEEK, RAW RETURNS TO MY MOUTHGUARD and YOUR NEXT WWE CHAMPION. TOTALLY. come out and attack. HBK goes up top to elbow Masters (who is laying on a table in the ring) through the table, but Angle shoves him off and HBK goes through a table on the outside. Heels win the final RAW on Spike main event. Not like they were treating this show as special, so meh. Angle runs into a spinebuster by Cena. F-U attempt, but Bischoff gives Cena a low-blow. Cena is Angle-Slammed through the table that had been set up for Masters. Lillian: “Here are your winners, Carlito and the Masterpiece Chris Masters!” That’s funny, that guy looks not so much like those two as he looks like Eric Bischoff. JR wonders if it’s beyond the realm of possibility that Eric will be the new champion next week. Thank God Russo is gone. Bischoff poses with the Retardo Belt. Hey, if he does win the title, he can bring back the real belt, and give Cena’s belt to his nephew Eugene. Eric Bischoff is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH!
Final Thoughts: I’m not going to miss RAW on Spike. Which is not to say I’m that pumped for RAW on USA.
