CHING AND CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE: So, Liu Bei’s forces only had two cities, but each was chock full of officers and troops, and any time I attacked one, the other city immediately reinforced them. So after all the nearby Wei cities had had their city policies switched to attacking Liu Bei’s capital, one of them dispatched troops. And they happened to do it while Liu Bei was personally leading an army to attack a fort nearby. So this causes one of my other cities to try and intercept Liu Bei, and meanwhile, I decide to send my army after Liu Bei’s other city, the one that isn’t his capital. I figure I’ll lose the two battles I’m not personally overseeing, but by winning mine I’ll force all his men into one city I can just harass to death by sending in swarms of officers to agitate the peasants into rebelling. But somehow, my other forces win, and Shu falls in one fell swoop.
Zhao Yun, Guan Ping and some jobber officers were defending the city I took, so I executed them both for saying they’d rather die than serve Wei. At the time, I figured Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Liu Bei would all die too, because I was executing officers like a turn before learning Liu Bei’s capital fell and one of my subordinates would be in charge of their fates. My subordinate spared them, and both Guan Ping and Zhang Fei declared me their nemesis (I killed Zhang Fei’s Jim Beam distributor in there somewhere.) Those two along with Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei became free officers. So I hire Zhuge Liang (which I was always going to do) and decide to hire Liu Bei in the hopes that he can use his Brotherhood Oath Powar to get me Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. But instead, they refuse all invitations to serve Wei, and become free officers. In my capital. At the tavern. So every time I go in
there, one of them or the other challenges me to a duel. And by “challenges” I mean it starts automatically and I’m not allowed to back out. Guan Yu’s War skill is at 102, and Zhang Fei’s is even higher. Zhang Fei actually kills me without initiating a winnable duel, it just shows our horses riding up to each other and me getting knocked off my horse. And then I die. Sometimes, I was able to flee Guan Yu and see that other officers, WEI OFFICERS, were in the tavern too. So, like, these guys would be ordering drinks and be all, “Hey, that Guan Yu sure is killing Lord Cao Pi whom we’ve all sworn to loyally serve. It’s hard to obey the Emperor’s commands when he’s saying stuff like ‘oh God there’s blood coming out of my ears and eyes and gurgle gurgle.’”
That was an awful lot of build-up, but I did like the punchline. So that’s one person amused.
SAILOR MOON: I saw three episodes today (Monday,) covering the three one-shot members of the Witches 5. Like many Sailor Moon villain teams, the Witches 5 are supposed to be like evil mirror images of the Scouts, kinda. Eugeal is short-tempered and attacks with fire, so she’s Mars, natch. Mimette actually hangs out with Mina in this one episode where neither knows who the other is, and they talk about how much they love chasing idols and being idiots. Mimette also has orange hair. Color-coding is stupid important in these relationships. The next two continue to fit the Scouts like gloves. Telulu has green hair and an affinity for plants, so she’s connected to Jupiter (whose ability to shoot oak leaves may have gotten more play in the manga.) She’s also pretty annoying so it’s fine with me that she jobs out in her first episode as lead Witch. Then there’s the one-shot one
whose name I forget who has blue hair and blue clothes and in a startling coincidence tied blue-haired Amy’s score on some big national exam. But her approach to being smarter than everyone she knows is much more obnoxious Amy’s, and Amy is so frustrated with her that she delivers her immortal “la-di-dah” line. But then it all falls apart with the fifth Witch. For one thing, there’s two. Sort of. If she’s cloning herself, it’s weird that her clone is a different color and has her own name. So…the fact that there’s two makes it hard to couch her as Moon’s evil opposite. Is she some kind of evil version of Uranus and Neptune? Then why don’t her two bodies make out? And if we’re not just doing evil reflections of the inner scouts anymore, where’s Evil Pluto? Did she show up and was so unengaging I just forgot about her?
That was a lot of bullshit to start us off. Sorry.
Groo World Order.
At Unforgiven, Flair beat Carlito to become the oldest Intercontinental Champion ever. And I don’t mean oldest at the time he won the belt either, as Pat Patterson was the first IC champ and I think Ric is older than him. Also, Angle beat John Cena by DQ in the main event because WWE ppvs are colossal rip-offs. I hope Cena posed afterwards to make it all ok!
Tonight, Flair vs Carlito in an Unforgiven Rematch. And wow, an eight-man tag main event, pitting pretty much every face who isn’t Flair against every heel who isn’t Carlito.
Out to open things with a “zzzz” is EVIL SAILOR PLUTO. Did Coach just call him “The main man, the bus?” Bischoff is carrying the non-retardo WWE Championship Belt. I feel that if there’s any confusion about who the champion is, a plate reading “Macho Man” Randy Savage should be affixed to it until we have a new champion for sure. Bischoff introduces: “Mister Kurt Angle!” JR: “What? I don’t understand?” Coach: “What don’t you understand about Kurt Angle, the Olympic gold medalist?” JR: “Well, I know who he is.” JR KNOWS WHO I AM, HE’S HAD ME BEFORE comes to the ring for some posin’. Angle: “New champ!” Hmm…yeah, it looks like “Kurt Angle” is etched on that belt. Eric tries to give Angle the belt by the power vested in him by the Ferengi Commerce Authority, but AND, THEY SHOULD SAY “POOPY” DOWN THIS LEG invades! Watch that swagger, Vince, you’re
gonna hurt yourself. Hey, he’s got a red, white and blue tie. Anglesque. He shakes hands with both heels. He’s smiling. I smell a con. Angle thinks Vince is here to congratulate him on beating Cena. Vince does. Sheepishly. Aw. Not really. Vince takes exception to Angle saying he’s the new WWE Champion. Vince: “Who in the Hell named you WWE champion?” Angle: “He did.” Eric sez Cena physically attacked him. Vince channels The Rock/any third grader and repeats what Bischoff said in a goofy voice. Vince ignores Team Bischoff for the moment and starts telling us about the “WWE Homecoming.” In two weeks, on Spike TV for all I can tell from Vince, we’ll get Foley, Trips, Hulk and Stone Cold in a “Four Huge Stars Who I Don’t Especially Want To See And This Kinda Makes Me Wonder Why I Even Watch Anymore Since There’s Really No One He Could Have Named I Wouldn’t Have Bitches
About” event. He also books Cena vs Bischoff for the WWE Homecoming because RAW is stupid. He takes the belt and poses with it.
Here’s a shot of Trish’s breasteses as sexay music plays. She makes her big return…next.
Commercials. An ad for some video game about The Ulllllllllllllllltimate Spiderman. Sean O’Haire.
Lawler: “Unforgiven won’t be forgotten for a long time!” Maybe it should have been called Unforgotten. Nah, Unforgiven is definitely more appropriate.
Bischoff tries to convince Vince McMahon a match pitting him against Cena would be dumb. Vince makes fun of the karate. Then Vince says he’ll think about canceling the match but IT WAS ALL A CON!
Torrie has new entrance music. That’s a good use of WWE funds. Her entrance video is still heavy on hypno swirls. Wario: “Obey me, Wario, find interchangeable blondes sexy!” Torrie is A BAGDOG THIEF because she is carrying around a dog. Lawler: “Look at the cute puppies! I mean puppy!” HAHAHA OH GOOD ONE. She is flanked by NOT INTERCHANGEABLE BRUNETTES. Torrie is again from Boise Idaho. The Meat and Potatoes of whatever this unit is collectively called. RAW is brought to us by Serenity. I wouldn’t mind being blind right now. Wait, what am I saying? Save those jokes for when bad wrestlers who aren’t hot are on screen, JG. Here comes OH, IT’S TIME TO ROCK N’ ROLL (w/OH, IT’S TIME TO ATTEMPT A WRESTLING MOVE AND CRIPPLE MYSELF.) For whatever reason, I paused and started reading old rebeaks at this point and now it’s all late. I was pretty
indifferent to Carlito considering he debuted by spitting apple all over John Cena and taking his title. Anyway, the match. It’s Trish vs Torrie, in case I didn’t make that clear. Victoria immediately grabs at Trish under the ropes, Trish turns to deal with her, and Torrie dumps her to the floor. Back in the ring, and Torrie is stomping. Trish punches back, and Torrie flees. Trish follows her out and shoves Victoria down. Torrie’s retreat is cut off by Ashley. Trish attacks Torrie while Victoria and GoDaddyGirl kinda stand around waiting for Ashley to double clothesline them. She eventually does. Trish sends Torrie back in. Punch. Kicks in the corner by Trish. Trish licks her hand and slaps Torrie across the chest. Torrie sent to the corner for more punches. Torrie climbs up on the corner so GoBimbo can distract the ref and Victoria can shove Trish down. Trish covers
Torrie for 2. Torrie and her entourage communicate with a series of high-pitched squeals. Torrie appears to be yelling: “1, 2, 3!” Shouldn’t she be bitching to the ref if she thought the count was slow? Or maybe she yearns for the return of the 1, 2, 3 Kid. Anyway, Trish rolls her up for 3. What? No Chick Kick, no Stratusfaction, are they trying to protect Torrie Wilson’s in-ring cred? Anyway, the heels attack. Trish ducks a Torrie clothesline with the whatever we’re calling that move JR thinks is called “The Matrix,” and Torrie ends up clotheslining GoBimbo. Victoria takes Trish down anyway. GoBimbo does some kinda of hangman’s neckbreaker hold thing on Ashley. Sort of. Her first attempt at a wrestling move! Torrie hits Ashley with Now You Dealin’ With Tha Skank Factor. Victoria gives Trish the Widow’s Peak, which of course makes Torrie’s music play. Torrie is THE NEW
WINNER OF THIS MATCH! I probably switched “Torrie” and “Trish” like ten times. I think I recognize this vocalist from Stephanie McMahon Helmsley’s theme.
Wow, the Ric Flair as IC Champion graphic features this fucking insane robe. It’s all blue and black and weird…the feathery version of Jeff Jarrett’s Aztec priest robe.
Commercials. I got Burger King today, and it took them three tries to give me a (cold) Double Whopper with no cheese. HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR EMPLOYEES NOT TO ADD CHEESE, KING!?
Our BODman Stinky Thing of the Thing is Cade and Murdoch fucking destroying Hurricane and Rosey. Good.
I’M HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW CHAW AND I’M ALL OUT OF CHAW. NO, WAIT, HERE’S SOME (w/HI COACH!) are out. Whoa, the entrance video appears to have vignette footage I never saw of Murdoch punching some dude out. Here’s a big close-up of Cade’s belt buckle. Thanks for focusing on Lance’s crotch, camerman. SKINNY (w/FATTY) is here to lose some more. You know, there comes a point where you’ve gotten as much heat and credibility from the Hurricane and Rosey as you’re going to get. He was like our third favorite wrestler ever (after Jacqueline and whoever) and now I want Murdoch to kill him. Sort of. Hurricane charges right into a knee. Clubbering, but Hurricane forces him into the corner and launches spastic nerd attacks. Murdoch rolls outside to have an episode. Coach: “I’ve just been told that the WWE was able to land Eric Bischoff, my boss, on Byte
This this coming week. Find it on WWE.com, so, maybe we’ll find out his thoughts and future thoughts.” They were gonna have Russell Crowe as their guest, but then they were somehow able to land Eric Bischoff. Who will give us his thoughts and future thoughts. Murdoch back in, and he charges into an armdrag and bails again. Rosey tosses him back in. JR: “Rosey, one-man lumberjack!” As opposed to one of those groups of people who collectively form a lumberjack. The Borg sometimes form a collective lumberjack when trying to assimilate forests. Hurricane gives Murdoch a rana. Punching by Hurricane, but Murdoch pulls him face-first into the middle turnbuckle. Our commentators play up the fact that Hurricane may have nerve-damage. Or brain-damage. Clubber. Neck wrenching modified Ninja chokeout. Now into a full-on Ninja chokeout. Hurricane fights out, but gets clubbered.
Hurricane keeps punching. Murdoch tries for a DDT, but Hurricane grabs the ropes. Punching. He kicks Murdoch to double him over, and I guess he wants the Shining Wizzard, but Murdoch is back up so Hurricane just kinda knees him in the chest and it looks stupid. Murdoch sent to the ropes, and gets clotheslined. Hurricane goes up…missile dropkick, but he landed funny. Naptime. Hurricane with a running forearm on Murdoch, and he’s pretending his left arm doesn’t work. Ten-count punchalong, but Murdoch carries him out of the corner and drops him with Snake Eyes. Murdoch gets a nasty-looking DDT for the win. JR: “Tremendous velocity by the DDT!” Velocity. *sniff*
THE GRISH-MAN tries to interview WHY CAN’T I EVER SUCCESSFULLY DEFEND A TITLE? Carlito says he didn’t tap out, he was just reaching for the rope, and his hand touched the mat. “Dat’s all dat happened!” Somehow, it all ends without spitting.
Commercials. I have two random, seemingly unrelated pains in my left leg. Now I just need my entire left side to get tingly so I can worry I’m having a heart attack. To get a heart attack at my age, don’t you need to be so fat you sweat gravy?
According to Sofa’s LiveJournal, he’s sick, and has achy joints. Bad day to be a rebeaker, I guess. If only he had metal joints, I’d know how to score me 15 silver points.
MY FISH EYES COULDN’T BULGE OUT ANY MORE NO MATTER HOW MANY WAYS YOU DIVIDED THE LAND requests, no, DEMANDS that ONE OF THE SEVEN BOWSERS YOU FACE WHO IS APPARENTLY NOT THE REAL BOWSER fire Matt Hardy for touching Lita. Wow, imagine what Bischoff would have to do to you if you had lots of sex with her! Bischoff don’t cotton to being told what to do. He’s sick and tired of Edge and Matt attacking each other every week (you and me both, brother) and sets up a match at Homecoming. Edge vs Matt Hardy, Loser Leaves RAW. Because RAW > Smackdown, I guess. On Smackdown, it would be a Winner Gets To Go To RAW match. Anyway, the winner of the match also keep the Monkey in the Bank.
KICKING AND SCREAMING has a match? Oh yeah, he didn’t make the four-heel team. Holy shit, it’s a jobber match? Tyson Tomko has a jobber match on RAW. I guess they’re fazing Heat out early. His opponent is WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT CRAVEN? Eddie Craven. He’s from Wichita Falls, which sounds vaguely like Frostbite Falls, so I could also have gone with Rocky and Bullwinkle jokes. Tomko foces Eddie into the ropes while Lawler tries to tell us Eddie is an up and comer. Eddie gets kicked, and falls through the ropes to the floor. Back in the ring, Eddie throws a punch, but gets kicked. The ref calls for the bell, so Tyson screams. Whatthefuckever. His music starts. Then stops. Then starts again.
Here’s a melodramatic replay of Flair on the Cabana, complete with weird camera filters. Flair: “I’m gonna take a bite, out of your ass!” If you were gonna make Flair win, making him do it while Carlito is choking on apples was probably the best way. Flair says in his victory speech that this title win is as meaningful as any of his 16 world title wins. Ah. Now we’re live again, with CARLITOS CARIBBEANS COOLS coming to the ring for his rematch. Lawler: “Well guys, Ric Flair, he readily admits that he’s not as good as he once was, but Flair proved last night that he was as good once as he ever was, but can he be as good as he ever was twice?” My head hurts. Coach wonders if Ric Flair is 4 Real.
Commercials. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure how the hairy, foreign-sounding guy in his underwear is supposed to make me want to play this Marvel Nemesis game. Is it me? Am I missing something?
LAST NIGHT’S IC TITLE WIN MEANS MORE THAN ANY OF MY WORLD TITLE WINS BECAUSE I STILL REMEMBER LAST NIGHT’S IC TITLE WIN comes to the ring to defend his newfound gold. He’s the secondary champion on a brand headed by JOHN CENA. There’s a sign that says: “WOOO THAT’S COOL NEWCHAMP” and has a picture of…a medicine bottle? Lawler screams: “There it is!” as the camera…cuts away from Flair showing the belt to another random sign. Flair struts. Lockup…no, Flair backs off and woos. Carlito is, of course, pissed. Flair backs Carlito into the corner, breaks clean, and woos at him. Lockup, and sideheadlock by Carlito, Flair sent to the ropes and hit with a shoulderblock. Carlito slaps him. Flair is pissed. He dislikes being slapped, unless he’s in mid woo and you’re Steamboat. Then he hates it. Loud “you tapped out” chant for Carlito. Say what you will about how well these two
wrestle these days (or in Carlito’s case, ever,) but goddamn they’re over. Lockup, and Flair gets a knee and a reverse knife-edge. Carlito rolls to the floor and kicks the security railing in frustration. Yeah, this is gonna be a stall-fest. Carlito back in, and Flair rings the arm. He chops Carlito down and stomps on him as Lawler and Coach start talking about Viagra. Flair chopping in the corner. Kicking away at the inner thigh. Lawler makes jokes about borrowing Flair’s pills, said pills getting stuck in his throat, and getting a stiff neck. Flair looking for the Figure-4, but Carlito struggles free and rolls to the floor to be pissed. Back in, lockup, and Flair gets an anklepick. Carlito face-down on the mat, and Flair has a hammerlock on. Stomping on the arm. Carlito back up and getting chopped some more as our commentators continue to discuss how many chicks Flair
boned Sunday night. Lawler says when Coach takes Viagra, he “just gets taller.” Because Jonathan Coachman is a sentient penis. Flair with some kinda armbar, but Carlito goes to the eyes, then clotheslines him to the floor. Carlito argues with the ref to prevent a countout (yeah right.) Flair rolls in to a bunch of stomps and boot-choking. More stomping. Punching in the corner. JR: “The Southpaw from San Juan!” Fear the tiger of San Juan! Carlito whips Flair into the corner, then back body drop him off the rebound. Cover by Carlito, but Flair pulls the hair to escape. Carlito, jeez, kicks him right in the face. Flair is selling the eye. Carlito now punching away at the eye. Flair ducks a clothesline and thumbs Carlito in the eye. Chop. Carlito goes down. Flair pulls him up for another. Punching. Kicking. Flair puts Carlito in the corner…SETTING UP SHATTERED DREAMS!?
The ref stops him, and Carlito quickly comes in to kick Flair and send him into the corner. Carlito on the second rope with some mounted punching. Carlito backs off, allows Flair to Flop, and covers for 2. Carlito chops Flair in the corner a few times, but Flair reverses the chopfest. Carlito is whipped into the corner, and chopped down on the rebound. Flair goes out, gets an apple, takes a bite, and spits in the face, of people, who think spitting is cool. Chop. Eye-raking. Lawler: “You and I know, you don’t do too many things to JR that he ever forgets, do you JR?” Sexy. I bet Flair would forget if you explained Devestatin’ Dave to him. Flair puts Carlito in the corner for punching combinations. Chop, and Carlito goes down. Strut. Flair lays Carlito neck across the ropes, then snaps it down. And…again. Choking. Carlito is on the apron. Flair tries to suplex him in,
Carlito tries to suplex him out (yeah right,) Carlito tries to ram Flair into the corner turnbuckles, but Flair blocks and rams Carlito’s face into the post. Carlito is dazed but not down, so Flair chops him for good measure. Carlito ends up on the floor, and…is he leaving? Flair’s not dumb enough to give chase, so this commercial break will be fraught with tension.
Commercials. Is this Burnout Revenge game using some Ramones song I don’t know, or is “Not the Ramones” the official band of Burnout Revenge?
We’re back, and Carlito has Flair in the corner. Punching away, but Flair chops back. And…oh, here’s a replay that will PROVE ME WRONG about Flair, as he was dumb enough to chase Carlito up the ramp. And Carlito was faking his retreat, as he immediately decked Flair and went on to Caribbean Whip him into the ring steps. Back in the ring, and Carlito gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Ninja Chokeout by Carlito. Flair fights out and chops free. Carlito reverses a whip and catches Flair in a spinebuster for a long 2. Carlito with a vertical suplex for 2. Carlito punches and kicks. The fans are chanting for Flair as Carlito sends Flair to the corner, climbs the ropes, and punches. Flair gets out with an inverted atomic drop. Flair pulls Carlito up for yet another chop. Strutting. Yeah, this may be chop-heavy, but the fact that either guy could legitimately win makes this pretty
exciting for a RAW match. Flair looking for an elbowdrop, Carlito rolls away, so Flair (who hadn’t left his feet yet) just walks along with him and drops the elbow anyway. Hahaha. Coach: “We he may not be able to see Carlito, but he can certainly feel his presence.” What? With his psychic power? Flair puts Carlito in the corner, whips him to the opposite corner, but Carlito clotheslines him off the rebound for 2. Punch by Carlito, chop by Flair. More chopping, but Carlito downs him with a left. Carlito charges in…but Flair spits in his face to stop him. Flair kicks low and chops, Carlito punches back, and they trade shots until Flair thumbs both eyes and chops him down. The fans are just insanely into this. Flair woos. Carlito on both knees, and Flair just keep firing away. Chopped down again. Woo. Carlito sent into the ropes, and eats a back elbow. Flair goes up. JR:
“Uh-oh.” Carlito comes in…but Flair catches him with a right! Carlito staggers back, FLAIR WITH A TOP ROPE CLOTHESLINE! Apparently that happened at Unforgiven too. JR: “I’ve seen Flair wrestle for two decades or more, and never seen him hit that move two nights in a row!” Flair struts. Chop-block by Flair. Flair coming in for…well, Carlito pitches him out through the ropes. He rams Flair’s back into the apron. He rolls Flair in, but Carlito straddles the ropes on his way in, allowing Flair to kick the rope into his crotch! Flair going for the Figure-4, he grabs the ropes when the ref ain’t watchin’, and Carlito taps!
Todd Grisham tries to interview Matt Hardy, but one by one his idiot partners tonight (HBK, Show, and Cena) invade to hit all their catchphrases. Grisham is belittled. I’m fine with going back to Flair and Carlito.
Commercials. DeNiro in a movie about white collar criminals? This I gotta see!
Our Juicy Drop Pop of the Night is the Juicy Drop Pop Matt got for Juicy Pop Dropping off the cage with a Yodelling Juicy Popping Legdrop Drop.
Maria talks to the Nature Boy, but I’m out of nicknames. Flair calls Carlito “Carlitos.” Carlitos comes in and yells about how things aren’t cool. The Masterpiece attacks for whatever reason. Carlitos spits on the fallen Flair.
Commercials. The Unfunniest Yard.
Smackdown Letdown. I bet that wax Undertaker dummy has a better workrate than Taker does OH YEAH UP TOP.
BERYL’S GENERALS (ANGLEITE, SNITSKITE, EDGEITE, AND MASTERSITE are introduced in rapid succession. Coach, on Masters: “And by the way, that robe is so much nicer than Flair’s!” And now mini-entrances for FUN LOVING FUNSTERS WHO LOVE TO HAVE FUN. Well that took forever. You know, the heels could have just jumped HBK (he was introduced first) and aborted the other entrances. You know Snitsky wanted to.
Commercials. The Burger King started showboating dangerously early on that touchdown. And…Ultimate Spiderman again.
There’s stuff happening when we come back. Cena has Edge all devastated, and tags out to Show. Headbutt. Walking across the back. Again. Edge rakes the eyes and tags Masters. Show no-sells whatever and attacks with frying pans. Tag to Hardy. High-pitched pop. He slams Masters’ head into the post. Chop. Tag to Cena. Full-Blooded Won’t Die-er. Masters throws a knee at Cena, and they brawl a bit. Masters takes over with whatever and gets a suplex for 2. Masters tries another, but Cena reverses. Tag to Hardy for punches. Matt ducks a punch and throws more punches. He hits Masters’ head into the post. Punches. Clothesline. Tag to HBK. Jesus, at least Michaels has been known to use moves other than punches. He sends Masters to a corner, but his whip is reversed and he Flair Flips in the corner. Press slam by Masters, and the best worker on the face side is immediately
the face in peril. Masters wanders into an elbow like an idiot. HBK tries for a scoop slam like a dummy. Masters goes for an elbow drop that misses. Tag to Hardy for punches. HE WILL NOT NOT PUNCH! Masters tries something, that gets countered into…something. Then Matt spontaneously slingshots Edge in. They brawl. Matt gets the Side-Effect. He signals for the Twist of Fate, but Edge isn’t legal so Masters simply slaps on the Masterlock. Submission moves are kinda shitty in these matches (and glorified rest holds are even shittier) as Show simply meanders in and headbutts Masters to break. Speaking of break, we need a break from all this action.
Commercials. Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks looks stupid. FOR A MORTAL KOMBAT GAME.
I enjoy renting really ancient Survivor Series matches for pretty much the same reason I dig really ancient Royal Rumbles: you get to see the midcarders too, because everyone gets a pay day. It’s your best chance to see, say, Repo Man again. But the matches themselves are generally god awful, and you’re seeing why. Well, reading why. We’re back, and Edge is trying to KILL his hated rival he wants DEAD, Matt Hardy, with a Ninja Chokeout. Hardy somehow survives, and runs into a flapjack. It gets 2. Tag to Snitsky. He sends Hardy to the corner and then clotheslines the fuck out of him. Haha, the neatest move so far was Hardy’s melodramatic oversell of Snitsky’s clothesline. Snitsky covers for 2, then takes a page from Edge’s book (Adam Copeland On Edge) by slapping on a Ninja Chokeout. Hardy powers out and hits the ropes, Snitsky Papa Shangos, and Hardy gets the Twist of Fate.
He’s too devastated to cover, and Snitsky tags out to Angle. Hardy tags…HBK. I’d have thought he’d go for Cena. Flying Burrito (called by JR) by HBK. Kip up. More stuff. Scoop slam. HBK goes up for THE STUPID. Angle tries for the Angle Slam, but HBK counters into a pinning predicament. Ankle with the Angle Lock, Easily Countered Version. HBK rolls through, but Angle holds on. Cena: “Don’t tap out!” Well, break it up then, asshole! Show comes in with a headbutt. Looking for a chokeslam, but Snitsky breaks it up. Angle “Angle Slams” Show to the floor. Wowza. It was as much of a backdrop as anything. Commercials.
Commercials. The Foreigny Underwarrior again.
We’re back, and Edge has HBK in the Edge-u-wedge-u-thing. He eventually tags out to Masters, who works the knee to protect himself from musical kicking. HBK punches out of whatever hold, so Masters tags Angle. Angle immediately slaps on a Ninja Chokeout. That match was starting to pick up in the last segment. HBK eventually escapes the Ninja Chokeout with a back suplex. Punch trading. Angle ducks a punch and gets the Angle Slam. Hardy breaks up the cover, but Masters gets rid of him. Ankle with the Anglelock on HBK again, but HBK kicks him off. Angle tags Edge. HBK wants to tag Cena, but Edge spears Cena off the apron! Edge grabs the footsie, but gets enzoogweereed. Show is staring to stir. Delicious beef stew. Uh-oh, he’s “acting.” His teeth and gritted and he’s all shakey with rage. Tag to Show, and all the heels line up to get clotheslined. Headbutts. Fatvalanches
for everyone! Chokeslam for Snitsky…no, he kicks him low! Spear by Edge…for 2. All four heels clubber Show, so of course he shoves them all off. The rest of the feces…faces return. The ring is cleared. Show press-slams Hardy onto Snitsky and Masters, his hated enemies. Edge tries for Monkey in the Bank on Cena, but he ducks. Whatever that move is connects. YCSM, FKS. Chokeslam by Show, and now…everyone covers Edge at once! HBK sits on top making goofy faces. Big Show’s theme plays as HBK gets a piggyback ride. I’m serious. JR says Show is as dominant as Andre the Giant. His dead daddy. Killed…by pirates!
Final Thoughts: The dog pile on Edge was kind of funny. Hey, did I just read an Ultimate Fight Battle Report in which a guy is actually named Grandfather, is actually referred to as Grandpa, and actually wrestles with his granddaughter? And am I correct in that nothing about Raye, Rei, or even Chad was said? Dat’s not cool. But then Jesus stabbed a guy with some kinda Shinto grave marker. Dat’s cool.
