ANCIENT CHINESE CRAP: I went ahead and picked up Romance of the Three Kingdoms X over the weekend on a whim. And now, I know, that down his gullet is the only way Xiahou Dun’s eye can go. I kind of miss the goofy, completely inappropriate rockin’ soundtrack of DW, but major battles do feel more significant when melodramatic Asiany music is playing. I started as Cao Pi, jumping in as the war between Cao Cao and Yuan Shao begins. Cao Pi is like fifteen at that point, but I was able to ride around the country chatting with officers, and I got to bitch about my ladders not staying in place as Dad, Patches and Zhang Liao conquered some border cities. Eventually I swore an oath of brotherhood with some old dude (at his request) to see if anything special happened. It didn’t. But then I actually became useful by stumbling across Lu Xun and flirting with him until he joined Wei. He was hanging out in Wu, but I guess he was still a free agent. Just call me Arli$$. Or Cao Li$$. Later, I bumped into Sima Yi and offered him a lifetime supply of feathers to join Wei. He could not see right through my plan. As soon as I turned twenty, I got them both drunk and now we’re all brothers, along with the old guy (who may be dead, actually, as I can’t find him on the list of transferable officers.) I finally figured out the council controls well enough to ask Pops if my fey strategist buddies and I could take a few units up north to beat up Yuan Shao’s son (as Yuan Shao died of natural causes somehow after the initial plot-driven battles ended and Cao Cao’s offensive ground to a screeching halt.) We went north, whooped ass, and now I’m prefect of Yi. Or Ji. One of those. Oh, and Zhen Ji does not appear to exist, much to the delight of Lu Xun.
Actually, the only woman I’ve come across is Sun Shang Xiang, who does the dueling tutorial. I found it amusing when she summed up by saying, “I’m Sun Shang Xiang, and that was my dueling tutorial!” Thanks for the tutorial. Your husband is doomed.
CARTOON NETWORK SUCKS: One Piece’s 9 PM hour of pirate power was preempted for a special hour of that new show, Naruto. What makes it fucking stupid is that they advertised a special “one hour premiere” of Naruto, then set aside two hours (from 8 PM to 10 PM,) and aired the first two half-hour episodes. TWICE.
Didn’t have the tape rolling until a minute or so in because I was conquering whichever city I’m prefect of now. Our commentators talk about how Edge (who I guess is wrestling in a minute) won the Money in the Bank briefcase which gives him a shot at “The WWE Champion” whenever he wants. You know…forget it. I don’t care enough to point out why that’s bullshit. Well…briefly, they even played up for storyline drama the fact that if the WWE champion was drafted to Smackdown (which he was) Edge was screwed. They made that point before, and now they’re pretending it didn’t happen. Ugh. Oh well, it’s not as if he’s going after Cena soon anyway. Hey, there’s a guy in Misterio mask holding a “The Big Show is the Big Winner” sign. I wouldn’t think there’d be a lot of crossover between Big Show fans and Misterio fans. If I were a Jerry Lynn fan back in the day, I might have held up a sign that said “The New Fuckin’ Show is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH.” As you may have guessed, THE REALLY, REALLY BIG (AS IN FAT) WINNER is heading for the ring. Now he’s there. His opponent, oddly, is THANKS FOR THE HERPES OR WHATEVER IS MAKING MY NADS ITCH, LITA (w/I GOT A COLD ONCE AND NURSE MINA WRECKED MY APARTMENT IN UNSEEN ACTION.) Big Show makes a face like something is stuck in his teeth. A chunk of Funaki, perhaps. Coach says something about how Bischoff is all about fairplay and shit because Matt had to wrestle a tough opponent last week and Edge has to wrestle one this week. Hey, he’s right. Don’t point out inconsistencies is Bischoff’s heeldom, Coach. There’s a sad, sad “Matt” sign. The only one they could find, probably. And it’s probably the name of the fan holding it, too. Edge goes behind, but Show breaks his rear-waistlock and attacks with his ass. JR calls it “ample.” Edge gets shoulderblocked and shit. Weak “Hardy” chant dies quickly. Edge kicks Show in the gut (also ample) and…tries for some kind of wristlock or armwringer or…something. He and Show make eye contact, then both look at the wristlock, then make eye contact again. Show has a “what the Hell are you doing?” look on his face. What the fuck is going on here? The camera cuts to Lita. Now Show lifts Edge over his head with the wristlocked hand and dumps his crotch across the rope. Ok, it was an intentionally goofy piece of business there, but I guess the director also thought they were fucking up and thus cut away. My apologies to Edge and the Big Show. Show pumps the ropes. Coach and Lawler make jokes about how Edge and Lita will not be having the sex. Show with his retarded “be quiet while I hit him” spot. Coach: “I hate when you guys shut up for that, and the fans as well.” JR: “blah blah blah frying pan blah blah blah.” He didn’t really say the blahs. Now he says a blow from Big Show could stop your heart. It could certainly stop Big Show’s. Edge goes outside, and kinda hot-shots Show across the top-rope. Back in the ring, Edge dropkicks him in the shin. Edge punches away. Going up for a Tornado DDT, but Show pushes him off. Edge in the corner, fatvalanche. Goozled, ready for the chokeslam, but GENE MACSNITSKY OF THE FOOT CLAN attacks. Yay? Before the heels can do anything resembling a decent beatdown, I WANTED TO TAKE AN OATH TO DIE ON THE SAME DAY AS SHANNON BUT I WILL NOT DIE makes a save that basically consists of getting in the ring and taking his shirt off. THAT ONE MONSTER OF THE DAY THAT NEVER EVEN ATTACKED THE SAILOR SCOUTS AND YELLED “LONG LIVE THE CIRCUS!” LIKE A COMPLETE GOOF WHEN MOON ZAPPED IT comes out and gets more heel heat than any of the wrestlers so far. Bischoff declares a tag team match, “right damn now.” Hey, fuck you Eric. Edge and Snitsky are on the floor, facing up the ramp, so the faces sneak attack. Naturally, Matt Hardy goes after Snitsky while Show goes after Edge. I mean, the other way around would make the actual storylines seem to be in effect. Not that there’s really a decent reason Show and Snitsky hate each other. Unless Show is going to have a relationship with Maria. Hey, what the Hell happened to Joy anyway? Sofa could be flooring our audience with Nurse Joy jokes. Anyway, Edge get yanked in by the hair, and Matt finally attacks him. Hardy punches away in the corner. Choking. Edge reverses a whip, but Edge dodges whatever and gets a clothesline. Elbow-clubbering. Matt trying a piledriver (I guess,) but Edge backdrops out. Coach: “Not too smart right there, Edge is way too big for Matt Hardy to attempt that move. Way too big.” Um…not really. Edge punches. Coach says Matt isn’t much of a man compared to Edge. JR: “How would you know what kind of a man he is?” Awkward! Edge sends Matt to the ropes, Edge dropkicks, and rather than grabbing the ropes to stop his momentum and make Edge miss, Matt just bounces off of the ropes and then stops running before getting to Edge. Hahaha. It takes years and years of watching wrestling for that look wrong, but it looks completely wrong. Matt monkeyflips Edge into the corner, then rolls him up for 2. Matt, whose only Earthly desire is to personally destroy Edge with Matt’s own bare hands, tags out to the Big Show. Show…slaps. JR talks about Show’s ring size. He knows because he’s shopping for an engagement ring. Lawler: “I shook hands with Big Show right before the program began and I’m tellin’ ya it’s like shakin’ hands with a catcher’s mitt!” Yeah, one of those catcher’s mitts with hands. Shut up, Lawler. JR tries to build excitement about boot choking by pointing at that Show could be disqualified if he doesn’t break at 5. Shut up, Ross. Coach says we have started RAW off “hot and heavy.” Shut up, Coachman. Edge gets his head slammed into a turnbuckle. Tag to Matt. Punches. Edge gets whipped towards the corner, and…he jumps in such a way that he ends up draped across the ropes in position to get punt kicked in the ribs. Didn’t bounce off the buckles and end up that way like HBK sometimes does, he just…kinda…did it to himself. Seems kinda dumb. Matt (or maybe Edge) yells “OH NO” like a dork as Matt punt kicks Edge in the ribs. Matt yells down crap. Tag to Big Show. He spends a million years lining up a punt kick. He hits it. Wackily signaling that he scored a field goal. And…we’re going to break? Fuck this.
Commercials. Some ultimate fighter: “Who’s the chicken now bitch?” Well, not whoever you’re talking to. They’re a bitch, not a chicken. Female chickens are called hens. You shouldn’t be allowed to ultimate fight without knowing these things.
We’re back, and Edge is trying to do the Crippler Crossface (!?!?) on Matt. A replay shows that Matt got his arm whacked by Edge as he tried to give Snitsky the Yodeling Legdrop. And yes, he did the full-on yodel, because nothing says “fearless badass obsessed with revenge” like yodeling. We’re back, with Matt running into a big(ish) boot from Edge. Lawler: “Don’t forget the action and adventure!” Single-arm DDT by Edge. Edge plays to the crowd. Coach: “Edge is doing exactly what he needs to do!” Tag to Sniskty to attack the arm. Snitsky scoops Hardy up, wanders around, and does Snake Eyes. JR says he “drove him like a lawn dart,” which is pretty much not true. Tag to Edge. Code Red. Lita’s hair looks stupid. Edge does more arm shit. Tag to Snitsky. Stomp. The fans get behind Matt, possibly hoping that will end the match. Matt escapes something or other and gets the Scorpion Slop Drop. SHADES OF DANNY BASHAM. Race for the tag, Edge gets it and cuts off Matt’s tag. Show comes in and headbutts him. Snitsky runs into a spinebuster. Edge is clotheslined to the floor, and Show meanders after him. It’s hilarious the way he gingerly lowers himself to the floor and just strolls after his prey. Big boot, but Edge dodges and Show somehow ends up straddling the security railing. Briefcase shit. Haha, I mean shot. Back in the ring, Hardy gets the Side Effect on Snitsky. Punching. Matt gets sent to the corner, but Snitsky charges into boots. Twice. Yodelling legdrop again, connecting. Lita grabs his feet from the floor. Matt follows her around. Outside. Back in the ring. Looking for the Twist of Fate on Lita. Edge back in, looking for the Spear, but Matt sees him and attacks. Now he wants the Twist of Fate on Edge (why didn’t you pitch Lita into the path of the Spear and roll Edge up while he was stunned, you idiot?) but Lita kicks him in the balls (good) while the ref attends to Snitsky. Edge gets the spear for the win. Coach: “You can’t turn your back on a woman!” Lillian: “Here is your winner, Edge and Gene Snitsky!” The Snitsky Brothers. Edge, Gene and Christian swore an oath. In a Foot Garden. Or maybe a Soda Garden. Cause sodas totally rule. Coach: “You know King, behind every great man, oh baby is a great woman!” Only if he turned his back to her, which is technically impossible. You can’t do it. Oh baby. Bunches o’ punches by Edge. Now Lita goes for the Twist of Fate. JR: “For the love of God, what else can happen in Matt Hardy’s life?” Maybe he can become not shitty again.
Despite the scuttlebutt (hahaha) to the contrary, I’m not that into Edge anymore. But he was easily my favorite guy in this match, and that was like a twenty minute segment.
Oh, Flair vs Masters later. Great. Maybe Mideon can engineer for Sailor Mars to lose to the Bash Man and Damaja or whatever again.
Commercials. The Burger King with a pick (pic? A pass interception) for the touchdown. Followed immediately by Bowser Baseball. Giant goofy besuited dudes are TAKING OVER the sports world. Then an ad for that movie about bringing a dead guy back using arcane rituals at a “Creole burial ground.” That’s a really novel concept, actually. Creoles aren’t Native Americans, you see, so it’s like a whole new idea. I see no reason for these youngsters to expect any ill consequences of bringing friends back from the dead using Creole voodoo.
THE IMMORTAL TODD GRISHAM introduces PLEASE SHOW-STOPPER, STOP THIS SHOW. I am just not feeling RAW this week. He has a band-aid on his little booboo from last week. Grisham rolls that beautiful bean footage of the Masterlock. Lawler: “And then the Masterlock was applied for good!” Yeah, because it’s still on now. Idiot. HBK wackily wonders why he let some big goof put him in his best hold when the fabled Masterlock Money was nowhere to be seen. HBK: “Whether I’m right or I’m wrong, I believe I’m untouchable.” So…you think you’re untouchable? “Get it up here, boy!” He was talking to Todd. About the microphone. But it’s funnier if you pretend otherwise. HBK sez Masters broke his face with a chair because HBK is so awesome. It had nothing to do with Masters rightfully hating HBK. HBK is thankfully interrupted by woos. HBK wackily pretends he has no idea who is wooing. Out comes WOO H B BYGAWD K LET’S WEAR MATCHING BAND-AIDS BABY, WOO! He’s wearing a band-aid, you see. He says he’s gonna beat Masters. And at Unforgiven, he’ll beat “Carlitos.” What flavor Carlitos? Nacho Cheese? Nope. Cool Ranch. HBK now tells Masters to chew on his leather. Everyone woos. HBK is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS INTERVIEW.
JR shows us “John Cena’s fate.” It’s a replay of all things Cena last week.
Commercials. More football with the King. Dr. Angus is more of a golf guy.
REMEMBER, I KNOW THE BURGER KING is Kerwin White, golf guy. Remember when he and Eddie were tormenting honkies on a golf course? Me neither. Lawler: “This guy is fast becoming my favorite!” Coach: “It’s hard not to like this guy!” You managed it, Coach. Coach and Lawler get all hopped-up when Lillian announces “Kerwin White” instead of “Chavo Guerrero.” Lawler: “He keeps golf clubs in his hand at all times!” ROOT FOR ME COACH is Shelton Benjamin. You know Coach wants to root for Shelton. Come, join him, and together you will conquer the White universe. Come to the Darkie Side. Kerwin slowly removes his vest and hangs it on a hanger, hahaha. Lawler: “See JR, what a gentleman! He’s got class!” JR: “Yeah, hangin’ your clothes up always a sign of a true gentleman King.” Shelton takes Kerwin down and throws some rabbit punches. In Japan, they’d be Usagi whateverJapscallpunches. Kerwin goes to the ropes. Sideheadlock takedown by Shelton. K-White ends him to the ropes, but gets shoulderblocked to death. Shelton kicks low and clubbers. Shelton reverses a whip, but gets clotheslined anyway. Shelton kips up and attacks. Scoop slam. Sliding clothesline. JR thinks no one should denounce their heritage. Oklahomans should. Haha, but it gets a little better, as Coach starts marking out nonsensically for Kerwin’s kneepads, and JR says: “Those kneepads are definitely hip and cool, no doubt about it. It’s written all over them.” Sarcastic JR is so much better than gushy JR. Lawler: “They’re white!” Shelton charges into an elbow. K-White goes up, and a missile dropkick gets 2. Kerwin goes over to the corner, HAHAHA, he retrieves the clothes hanger to use as a weapon! JR: “Is the clothes hanger legal!? Is this a clothes hanger match!? Is it a clothes hanger on a pole!?” The ref sees it, so Kerwin hides it behind his back and feigns innocence. This is only like a billion times better than the opening match was. Finally he gives it to the ref, but while the ref is disposing of it OMG HEEL HE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND CHOKES SHELTON HEELY HEEL HEEEEL. But then he stops and neatly folds it. Wow…Coach says the shirt was soiled by touching Shelton. It’s a good thing the Black guy said that. Kerwin covers for 1. Off of shirt-assisted choking. Kerwin waves to the crowd, but Shelton throws some elbows. Kerwin fights back, but his whip is reversed into a Samoan Drop. Shelton punching away. Irish whip, clothesline. More clotheslines. Kerwin escapes a press slam, but not a snap backbreaker. Snap backbreaker? Anyway, it gets 2. Kerwin charges into a back body drop. Shelton pulls Kerwin up, but is jawbreakered. Weirdness, as Shelton catches a kick, then simply throws Kerwin’s foot down. Kerwin’s kick caught, and there’s the (likely stolen) Money Clip. Kerwin sent to the floor. Shelton follows. Shelton sends Kerwin back in. There’s a sign that says “Stanley,” then something unreadable. Perhaps, “get me a hammer.” Back in the ring, and Kerwin goes right to the golf club for a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Vanilla with chunks of white chocolate. Lillian Garcia says the winner is “Sheltan Benjaman.” Hit that guy with the “100% Chain Gang” sign, Kerwin.
THE GUTTERSLUT BITCHES CALL ME WHITE CHOCOLATE stares at us in some bluish void. Now he talks angry. Shakey-face, shakey-face!
Commercials. “I don’t wanna explode!” From Serenity. That’s like the film version of that Firefly show, right? Never saw that. Gamefaqs morons thought it was all a rip-off of Outlaw Star, but Outlaw Star was pretty good so who knows? None of that overcomes the obvious Wheeler/Tsukino connections, though.
Our Boost Mobile Something of the Something is Victoria in her awful new outfit and awful new haircut looking like some kinda Amazon lesbian nightmare.
TWO WHORES AND A WRESTLING LADY come out. You know, even if there were three whores and not two, can I really expect anyone to connect that nickname to 3 Men and a Baby/Little Lady? Oh great, Lawler is spraying himself (mostly his stupid coat) with BOD to attract the Divas. Close-up of the can. “It’s like the most sexy fragrance!” BOD: the fragrance goes straight to your brain. Lawler mentions GoDaddy. Huh, GoDaddy Girl talks. She invites Ashley to come out. I WOULD WALK DOWN THE RAMP BUT I’M AFRAID I MIGHT CRIPPLE MYSELF AND EVERYONE WITHIN A TEN MILE RADIUS does come out to stand in the entryway. Before she can talk, Torrie calls her “Punky Brewster” (which is mildly amusing) and asks her to come all the way down. Ashley summons OMG THE NUMBER OF WOMEN WRESTLERS JUST DOUBLED! Trish is back, viciously attacking Victoria. Did Victoria have some storyline connection to her departure? I thought Viscera killed Trish? Anyway, Ashley and GoBimbo cancel each other out as Trish does a back-arch to escape Victoria’s clothesline, which thus hits Torrie. Lawler: “The old Matrix move!” Akio is rolling over in his grave. He starved to death twenty minutes after being released. Chick Kick for Victoria. GoBimbo runs into a clothesline from Ashley. The all-blonde team celebrates defeating a team that was only 1/3 blonde. Lawler discusses BOD.
Commercials. OMG im gonna kill u LOL!
The WWE Rewind is brought to you by Serenity. Ovah heah. It’s Flair threatening to take a bite out of Carlito’s ass.
I’LL BITE YOUR ASS ALL DAY, MY DENTURES CAN TAKE IT is out first. Ric goes to shake hands with a fan, but I think you know how that ends up going. Hair adjustment is involved. HEY TORGO, GOT A MATCH? JUST KIDDING is on the ramp. Coach: “JR, I can hear you breathing, be quiet!” Even JR is saying HBK didn’t break the Masterlock, so I guess they’ve changed their mind about history. Coach implies JR has sexy men statues in his bedroom. Dude, you were just in ecstasy over Masters’ entrance. JR says Ric Flair won his first world title before Masters was born. Jesus Christ, that’s…actually true! Lock-up…no, Flair adjusts the hair. Lock-up, headlock by Flair, but he runs into a shoulderblock. Another. Masters woos and mocks the hair-adjusting thing. Uppity young punk. For some reason, I hate this, even though I loved Masters’ very first appearance when he told Ric to watch his match and try to learn something. Headlock by Flair, go-behind hammerlock stuff, pushing off, and mocking Masters’ muscle-poses. Chop in the corner. JR: “He’ll light you up, and he just sets you on fire!” Coach, immediately afterwards: “And you gotta wonder how much Masters likes being teased! I mean, Ric Flair’s the best!” More chopping. Masters reverses an Irish whip and gets a big press slam. Masters woos again.Another press slam by Masters. Lawler: “Good grief!” Masters: “MASTERLOCK! AH!” Masters circling, but Flair rolls to the ropes. Masters suplexes Flair back into the ring. Masters covers for 2. He pulls Flair up, but gets chopped. Ric, I know you can do more than chop. Masters kicks away, but walks into a chop. Now Masters chops. Punching. Masters whips Ric into the corner. Clothesline. He covers for 2. Choking. Fan sign: “Flair’s got Carlito’s nads.” Masters walks into a thumb to the eye. Flair with a kick to the midsection, and wait for it wait for it, a chop. Another chop. Naptime. Chop. Flair goes up. Lawler: “I don’t think this is a good idea Naitch!” Coach: “You just can’t go against your game plan. That’s what happens when you do.” Um, going up top has been in Flair’s game plan in every match for the last thirty years. I’m not saying his game plan is flawless, mind you. Anyway, Masters tosses Flair off the top. Masters sends Flair to the ropes, powerslam. Masters: “Who’s the man?” Vader? Signalling for the Masterlock. Lawler: “JR you said earlier, where do you find the action, where do you find the drama, where do you find the atheletes…” Coach: “Where do you find the Masterpiece!?” Hahaha. I don’t know what that was funny. Maybe because of Coach’s eager sincerity. Anyway, Ric drops down as Masters tries to hook his arms, and kicks off to escape the Masterlock. But Masters clotheslines Flair to the floor anyway. Masters stands around. Flair gets up and stands around. Masters hot-shots Flair across the top rope. Flair pulls Masters out of the ring and whips him into the security railing. JR: “Flair is a master psychologist!” He’s the great psychiatric pioneer who once said, “Sometimes a woo is just a woo.” He’s certainly old enough to have been a peer of Freud’s. Chop on the floor XTREEM. More chops. JR: “Those chops temporarily blinding the Masterpiece!” What? Flair rolls in to break the count, then chops some more. Masters reverses a whip and gets a sideslam on the floor. Break time.
Commercials. When you fastforward, it’s like Serenity is brought to us by Crazy John’s Tire House and Rims.
We’re back, in the ring, and Masters has a bearhug applied. He’s managed to make the match more boring! Masters now rams Flair’s back into the corner. He whips Flair into a corner and back body drops him on the rebound. Another bearhug. Jesus Christ RAW sucks. Flair escapes by biting the nose. He backs Masters into the corner, but gets shoved off and does an over-the-top rolling sell. Bearhug by Masters. JR compliments his “basic and very simple” offense. JR: “Referee Jack Doan asking Flair if he wants to give it up.” Ask me, Jack Doan. Ric Flair punches his way out. Chops. Masters shoves him down again. Flair clips the leg. He does it again. Flair rips away at Master’s face. Lawler: “We’re not idiots!” You sure? More chops. Punches. Chops. Face-biting. Shades of The Amazon. Or maybe it was just Amazon. Flair has a seizure. Excuse me, he’s strutting. Flair…bounces into the ropes, and wanders into a choke. Flair counters with a tortured shinbreaker. Figure-4. The fans mark out, as though this could possibly end it, but I SPIT IN THE FACE, OF PEOPLE, WHO BITE ON THE FACE, OF PEOPLE comes in for the Dairy Queen. Frozen treats are cool. You think maybe the fans are sick of seeing every match end with the face getting beaten down? Oh, duh, here’s HEAVENLY BODIES KOSPLAYER to make the save. I suppose cosplayer is properly spelled with a c, but I don’t consider it a real world so fuck it. Carlito gets soup or kicked, but…nevermind, Masters Angleizes HBK’s shoulder against the corner post a few times. Masterlock applied. Look at Masters’ face. He’s such an idiot. Remember what I said about every match ending with a heel beatdown? Ugh.
Smackdown Letdown: That’s odd, I don’t remember this footage of Animal beating MNM all by himself from Friday’s 1-hour Smackdown. Or Mister Kennedy…Ander…Kennedy’s match. Or Undertaker lighting a novelty check on fire. Why didn’t he do that to Askley? I do remember Chris making OJ tap in like negative seven seconds (WHY couldn’t that have happened at the Bash!?) Here’s Rey and Eddie. Did Tazz just note “internal damage” or “eternal damage?” Finally, we get Batista vs JBL in the goofy glowing poles match, and the promise of suck to come in Ortontaker 3.
Commercials. “It’s an old Creole burial ground.” The new one is still being renovated.
We look at the Fantasy Standings. Lawler and Coach pretend to care. Psh. What kind of twisted freaks could care about this stuff anyway?
Moments ago, a shitty ending to a shitty match.
Already in the ring are JORRY SHORTU BUS, GOVENORU. JR: “Eugene and Tajiri! Well this is a…unusual tag team combination, don’t you think?” Except that I’m pretty sure they’ve teamed before as part of Team Regal. “Regal’s Sloppy Seconds” would be another good nickname for these guys. Their opponents are FUTURE MID-ATLANTIC US TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. I’m pretty sure those tag titles never existed. But seriously, I am puzzled by the return of “evil cowboys” as a viable (Val Venis has ruined a perfectly good word) tag team gimmick. Not that I’m complaining. These guys could seriously use Colonel Parker as a manager, though. Oh, hey, this is kinda funny. I checked some other site’s recap to see how much of this crap I had left to rebeak, and the recapper was talking about how much Cade and Murdoch remind him of “The Blackjacks.” But he was talking about Bradshaw and…whoever the fuck the other New Blackjack was. He appeared to have no idea that The Blackjacks went around branding…I dunno, Lou Thesz or whoever back in the tenth century. Damn, who was the other New Blackjack? It wasn’t Farrooqq, as funny as that would have been. They could just have “Blackjack Bradshaw” and Ron Simmons could just have been called “Jack.” MONEY IN THE BANK. Which those outlaw Blackjacks would steal. Jack’s gimmick would be that Triple H never stops talking to him. Google sez the other New Blackjack was Barry Windham. Thought you’d wanna know. I’m thinking “former Horsemen” is probably above “former New Blackjack” on his resume. So, yeah, the match. New music for Cade and Murdoch. Murdoch’s spasms kind of remind me of Dustin Rhodes, actually. We see footage from last week, as JR compliments their “tandem moves” (aka their Modified Shine Aqua Illusions.) Murdoch and Tajiri start. Side-headlock by Murdoch. Tajiri sends Murdoch to the ropes, but gets shoulderblocked. Awesome faces by Murdoch. Crazy Murdoch Eyes. Scoop slam. Another attempted, but Tajiri slips out and drop toe-holds him. Kick to the rumpus. Armdrag. Monkeyflip. Murdoch gets up and has an episode. Just stomping around yelling like a nut. I love this guy. Cade has to come in and calm him. Both men tag out. Cade does armwringers on Eugene. JR: “Eugene now being controlled.” Cade found his retard-jewel. Eugene counters out of an armbar with an armdrag. Cade runs into an airplane spin. Lawler: “Airplane spin!?” JR: “Man, how long has it been since you’ve seen an airplane spin, King?” Uh…the last time Eugene did one and you reacted in this exact way? Murdoch rushes in, but Eugene ducks whatever and bites his butt. Now Cade is drop-toeholded and ridden around in comical horsy fashion. Cade kicks Eugene in the gut, then sends him over to Murdoch for illegal choking. Cade covers for 2. Tag to Murdoch. An inverted atomic drop sets Eugene up for a swinging neckbreaker by Cade, who then rolls out of the ring. Cover for 2 by Murdoch. Kicking. Murdoch elbows away in the corner. Cade tags himself in and clubbers. Lawler: “Doesn’t everybody in Oklahoma look like Murdoch?” JR: “No King they don’t.” Lawler: “They don’t?” JR: “But they do down in Tennessee!” Lawler: “Yeah right.” Good on, Jerry. Calling all Oklahomans hicks is comedy gold, but to imply that the people of Tennessee are brain dead, drooling chitterling-lovers? Unfunny. Scoop slam by Cade as Murdoch is tagged in. Murdoch drops an elbow for 2. Forearm across the face crap. Tag to Cade. Kick. Coach makes fun of the Sooners. JR: “Let’s get back to the wrestling match. What a novel idea that would be!” Eugene gets a backslide that Cade could easily kick out of if Murdoch wasn’t distracting the ref, which causes it to go on forever. Murdoch back in, slamming Eugene and going up top. He goes for THE WEST TEXAS STUPID. Eugene with THE STUNNAR. Double tag, and Tajiri kicks away at Cade. Handspring elbow. Big kick for Murdoch. JR: “Man did he take Murdoch’s head off!” Tarantula on Cade, but Murdoch punches him right in the head. Eugene fires away at Tajiri. The ref tries to get Eugene to return to his corner, so Lawler and Coach crack wise about how long a logical debate with Eugene could take. Meanwhile, OMG ILLEGAL MAN Murdoch does a sit-out powerbomb on Tajiri as Cade goes up top. Top rope elbow by Cade! Call it, the Elbow Trip. Down the Elbow Trail to the Elbow Corral. It gets our boys the win. Coach: “The teamwork is, flawless! Their game plan, flawless! Murdoch’s face, however, not flawless.”
Commercials. Don’t care.
BACK WHEN I WAS A BABYFACE, I WAS A HULKAMANIAC (w/DON’T MAKE ME POWERBOMB YOU INTO THUMBTACKS, MOTHERFUCKER) are at the entryway. And…they just start talking. Coach: “What is this?”
Card rundown. JR can’t tell which diva is which. Then we discuss Show/Snitsky. Coach: “You know the Big Show is lickin’ his chops for this sundae!”
He actually meant “Sunday.”
THE CRUSTY OLD DEAN WHO YELLS “NIGGERMAAAAAAN!” is on his celly when DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE HOW QUICKLY THEY STOPPED PLAYING MY LATEST VIDEO? comes in. He pretends that he’s afraid of this handicap match and facing Kurt at Unforgiven and that he’s giving up and will start showing “Mr. Bischoff” respect and will turn in the spinny retardo-belt but IT WAS ALL A CON! Cena: “So I don’t care if you’re Blackbeard the Butt Pirate, Telly Savalas, the American Zero or Frosty Tufted Turdburger!” What? Cena: “The champ is here! AHA!” Lawler: “That may be the worst moment that Eric Bischoff has ever had to endure in his entire life!” Eh, probably not.
A BLUE-EYED WRESTLING DEMON is what JR actually called Kurt Angle. Geez. His partner for this handicap suckfest is CARLITO CAR…I MEAN TYSON TOMKO. Oh wait, they just went to break, so poor Tomko won’t even get an introduction. Call me crazy, but this may just end with Angle getting sent to the floor somehow and Tomko getting pinned following an F-5.
Commercials. Big Mutha Truckers 2 would be Trevor Murdoch’s favorite video game if vidya games weren’t fer fags.
Ok, we get a few bars of the ancient Christian theme for Tomko, who is already in the ring. Here comes THE CHAMP IS UNSPEAKABLY AWFUL. JR: “John Cena has the biggest bull’s eye on his chest!” And the smallest penis. Yuck, Lawler is thinking along the same general lines, but complimenting the size of Cena’s balls. I’m sick of this, so let’s make it quick. HAVING CENA TELL ME THE CHAMP IS HERE WAS WAY WORSE TO ENDURE THAN FINDING OUT I DESTROYED A MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANY WORTH MILLIONS BY SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON MASTER-P is on the ramp. Cena is thus distracted, allowing Tomko to hit a punch. Cena immediately comes back with the usual crap. Angle sneaks in a cheap-shot. Lawler: “JR, you’re gonna have to try to control your emotions.” JR: “Tag made, damn it to Hell!” Coach: “Well that’s a great job of controlling yourself.” Quick, somebody give him his jewel. Angle is in, and…he charges into the boots. Punching and shit by Cena. Sideslam for 2. Angle rakes the eyes and tags in Tomko, who immediately gets beaten up with shoulderblocks and shit. He clotheslines Angle off the apron. Scoopslam. Shitty elbowdrop on Tomko. Dropkick for Angle. JR: “Cena fighting for his health here, his prosperity!” Angle finally actually does try to come in, so Cena downs him and gets kicked by Tomko. All three men nap. The most devastating move used so far was a sideslam.
Commercials. “You won’t believe who squares off in the octagon!” Cardinal Richelieu and a carton of milk?
We’re back, and Angle is choking and shit. Snap-mare, and there’s some face-pulling by Angle. During the break, we learn that Cena was thrown over the security railing! THE HORROR. Ninja Chokeout by Cena. Cena powers out, but gets clubbered. Tag to Tomko. Punch. Strolling powerslam for 2. Tomko sends Cena to the corner, and immediately charges into the boots. Second rope clothesline by Cena. Never charge him in the corner, people. Cena punches away. Angle sneaks in and gives him a release German. JR: “The objective here is clear! To maim Cena!” Shouldn’t they have some kind of bladed weapons for that? Tag to Angle. Bunches o’ punches. Choking. European uppercut. A few pin covers for 2. I hate RAW. Tag to Tomko for clubbering. A cover gets 2. Surely if you clubber him again, Tomko, you will be able to cover for for 3! He stomps or whatever and gets 2. JR: “Somewhat unorthodox hook of the leg by Tomko!” Tag to Angle. Suplex. A cover for 2. Ninja chokeout. JR: “Tight, tight reverse chinlock!” Cena does a back suplex. Lengthy nap. Tag to Tomko, who runs right into punches. Cena’s regular crap. Suplex for Tomko. Spinebuster for Angle. Tomko gets a kick, finally, but Cena basically ignores him and sets up the F-U. Angle counters by going for a German suplex while Cena is still holding Tomko, which is admittedly kind of awesome. Rolling Germans. JR: “HEY REF, ANGLE’S NOT LEGAL! GET HIS ASS OUT OF THE RING!” Coach: “JR, the referee can’t hear you.” HAHAHA. Cena now fighting back, Tomko’s lining up the big boot (with Angle right there oh you idiot,) so of course Cena evades, Angle gets kicked to the floor, and Cena gets the F-U on Tomko for 3. Angle beats Cena down as Tomko goes to the Farplane. Now Bischoff yells in the helpless Cena’s face. Lawler: “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like this!” Hera give me strength. Angle’s red, white and blue mouth guard is really stupid.
Final Thoughts: It seemed like the net couldn’t quite decide why this show sucked exactly. Pretty much the only segment that didn’t end with the heels beating down the faces was the Diva one. That would explain it.
