Whatever Sofa, like a paragraph after being confused about your Tactics reference I figured out what you meant and called myself “retarded” for not getting it earlier. And I also spent the whole paragraph rambling about a specific playthrough I did that no one could possibly care about. So…yeah. I look forward to the next Experience rebeak being littered with Mideon starting to mention the Rubicon and then backing out all sarcastically.
Psh.
SAILOR MOON: Shockingly, I saw an entire episode since last week. Mimette is dead! Long live Mimette!
COWBOY BEEBOP: I was a little underwhelmed by the Cowboy Beebop movie. I couldn’t stay awake any more during that replay, but I was taping it and I watched it all from the beginning later. I dunno. Nothing stood out as especially wrong with it, but it was not the be-all-end-all that online anime fans are obligated to think it is. It didn’t have nearly enough of Radical Edward, for one thing. It also really demonstrated how quickly Faye becomes useless T&A when the writers aren’t really careful with her. And I’m not a Vicious fanboy, but he’s a much better villain that that hairy goof who sees butterflies everywhere.
Ooh, you know what would make an awesome badass anime series-ending showdown? Spike Siegel in a shootout with Doctor Tomo.
ONE PIECE: Wow, the battle with Arlong kinda ended out of nowhere. But this new plotline seems kind of interesting. They always start out kind of interesting, and then get mired in fights with sub-bosses and stuff. Still, the Mermen fight moved way faster than the fight with Krieg and his buffet-busters (haha,) and I love the fact that they’re finally teasing what will happen when Luffie eventually stumbles across Shanks. You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? Never mind. Pretend I heaped undue praise on some passive-aggressive Serena/Raye exchange and let’s move on.
Special thanks to Alex Wilkins (aka Wilikins) for finding a decent sound file of Jonathan Coachman’s theme music. I have painstakingly figured out the lyrics. Enjoy.
*Chorus:*
Whatcha gonna do, you’re a dying man,
With the blood of Hulkamania in your hands,
Simmah down der now, simmah down der now,
You got too much of this, and not enough of that,
Trip’s best be buttered-up cause the Game’s push is back,
Simmah down der now, simmah down der now.
*Main singer dude (Coach?):*
I got my phone back, Fred be checkin’ in with my stapler,
He wanna know, yo, how Egyptians made paper,
I told him I don’t mind that Pebbles’ outside my door,
She try’na figure out how old Ric be and more,
We be investigated by the MI5,
And the L-A-D-Y Nami’s not shy,
I jumped Allah by the back door, hit the housing,
And then I’m browsing and carousing with Breen,
Then I come back next week to retrieve,
Another heapin’ helpin’ of your hospitality,
And that’s a lot of mash when you ain’t got a pound,
There’s a funky new smell, comin’ to town,
At least this generation’s got peeps like Mad Mod,
We *bleep*in’ lotsa horses and it’s all thanks to BOD,
*pause for breath*
Fanta makes you gay yo, pizza supreme, so contrast and com-pare.
And the thing is, this is probably only funny if you’re heard the file (if then, even) because just listening on TV, you can’t understand enough to see where this sorta fits and where I’m completely making it up.
JR: “Happy Labor Day, everybody in the States!” You Canadians can have a shitty Labor Day for all he cares. And yes, I know it isn’t Labor Day in Canada. But only because it’s Labour Day AHAHAHAHAHA oh man I enjoyed that way too much. Hey, it just occurred to me! Mideon, and…anyone else, I suppose, we can totally make unfair anti-Canadian jokes and aim them at Sofa now! I’d best not though. He might get all mad. I think there are still some ill-feelings about TAKA vs Vader in the Angus Invitational. Anyway, this is at the Gaylord Entertainment Center. Um…HBK’s favorite, I guess. There’s a lot of easy, pointless jokes to pick from when they go to the Gaylord Entertainment Center. AMERICAN BY BIRTH, ANGRY BY *STOPS TALKING AND RIPS YOUR HEAD OFF* is out to open the show by tearing off Eugene’s leg. I know this because I had to check WWE.com today and…weird, Coach randomly mentions how this match was known in advance by the many great fans who visit WWE.com. I VISIT WWE.COM AND I’M WAY AHEAD OF JG IN FANTASY POINTS is Eugene, duh. Boy, I’m sure glad they teamed Eugene and Christy for like four shows. Anyway, Eygene waves and does his normal clapping thing and whatnot. Eugene…doesn’t seem to be afraid or anything. Kurt quickly slips behind him and give him a release German. Stomping away. European uppercut by Angle to down Eugene. Bunches o’ punches. Tearing at the face. Coach says Eugene was excited about the rematch, but doesn’t look too excited right now. JR: “I’m not so sure Eugene could…could facilitate what he was really getting himself into.” Me either. Angle pounds away in the corner. JR: “Nothing amateurish or Olympian-like.” Kurt with a backdrop suplex (or backdrop for those smarky Canadians) for 2. Modified Ninja Chokeout. JR: “All I can say is…CROSSFACES!” Kurt with a ribbreaker (JR: “Backbreaker!”) for 2. Kurt Angle is called the “Chosen One.” Isn’t that Jeff Jarrett? Kurt with another European uppercut. Another. Clothesline. And yet somehow, even when he’s all punchy-kicky, he’s way better than Cena. JR, on Angle: “He may be untouchable right now!” So, you think he’s untouchable? Angle rams Eugene’s head into the top-turnbuckle a few times, but Eugene is TARDING UP! Eugene punches away, Kurt ducks one and tries for a German, but Eugene elbows him hard to the side of the head. Kurt runs right into a spinebuster! Eugene…puts his thumb in the air, takes the 3-point stance…this will all end in him losing a match that forces him to join Team Canada, won’t it? Coach: “Why is Eugene wasting time?” JR: “Cause he’s Eugene!” Coach: “Good point.” Eugene charges in, but Angle has seen every Duggan match a million times and hits him with an elbow. Angle slams Eugene’s leg against the corner post a few times. Eugene is hobbling, and the fans tell Angle he sucks. Ankle clips the leg, and there’s the Anglelock. Kurt holds it on a few extra seconds, but eventually releases. Now, no, he puts it back on, complete with the grapevine. RETARDED RECOGNIZES RETARDED makes the save because special people comprise the bulk of his target demographic. Punches. Angle rolls out, and Cena turns right into a kick from DOUBLE T TARLITO TOOL? Angle comes back into the ring to yell at Cena. Coach: “Tyson Tomko, just nailing John Cena!” JR: “Kurt Angle’s the number one contender for the WWE title! He will face John Cena at Unforgiven! Is there a man alive that can beat Kurt Angle, on the roll that Cena’s on, including, that man, the champ!” What?
Commercials. I wish Jon Hunt ran a rim-shop. Evil Jon’s Tire House and Rims.
Here’s a replay of moments ago. Coach notes the “disdain” on the faces of Tomko and Angle. Even Kurt Angle, who has bestial sex with guttersluts, has disdain, for John Cena. Lawler: “And then you hear Kurt Angle saying ‘you can’t see me John Cena!” Um, maybe if this clip had audio we could.
Still hopelessly uninterested in Bischoff, I’ll continue my lame villain motif. FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD is in his office. You see, there’s nothing really wrong with Flintheart Glomgold, except that he’s basically no worse than Scrooge would be without those idiot nephews constantly warming his heart cockles. Eric is talking to KURT ANGLE’S NEW FAVORITE GOATERSLUT. Bischoff: “You took his head off, right at his chest!” JIM “THE ANGLE” NEDIHART comes in screaming “yeah baby that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!” Yeah baby, yeah baby, hahahahahaha! It’s ironic that Tyson Tomko and his crazy goatee are here, and the one who reminds me of Neidhardt is Kurt. Anyway, Tomko is essentially inaudible, but somehow or other he is rewarded for kicking Cena’s head off right at the chest by getting a match with Cena tonight.
SOME DAY, WE WILL BE HORNY OLD MEN FEUDING WITH VISCERA’S BLOATED CORPSE are dancing about sexaylay and removing each other’s clothes. JR: “I’m not so sure Cena wasn’t set up.” Thanks a lot, Hercule Poirot. Hercule! Hercule! Hercule! Hey, you think if their game faces were scowlier and spit water from the ring apron, they’d win more matches? Anyway, well, they ain’t winnin’ tonight as they’re facing the team of SUPPLY AND DEMAND. It’s Val and Viscera, sharing an entrance and Val’s music. Hahaha. This is fine, because as someone who has the option of skipping Heat but has to watch RAW, I hate Viscera way more than I hate Val. “Supply and Demand” was the tag team of Val and the Godfather that pretty much every messageboard idiot from a few years ago thought were going to revitalize the tag scene. Too bad the WWE never really formed that team, used that name, etc. And only after explaining that joke do I realize that name makes no sense here because Val was supposed to be “demand” and Godfather was “supply” and Viscera isn’t a pimp. I suppose Val could meet Viscera’s massive demand for pornography, now that Vis’ gimmick of getting ladies has kind of morphed into him just being fat and liking to hump men while our commentators inexplicably fixate on walruses. All right, the match. An alternate name for this team is “Triple V.” Haha, there are the game faces being applied. Here’s a crowd shot of a woman staring blankly in the general direction of the ring. Haha, there’s an old woman who can barely move, and now another attractive but disinterested girl. They really need to get some plants to shoot in these sequences, or just drop it. Romeo and Val start, and Romeo kicks Val, then stomps away in the corner. Boot-choking. Psychoticness. Val takes over with a clothesline. Now he does that spot where he kinda whips you at the ropes, but runs with you and gives you a knee on the rebound. Again. Now a side-Russian leg-sweep. What about me? What about Venis? Val stands over Romeo, then tries to play to the crowd. Attacks for Antonio. Hooking Romeo for something, but Romeo elbows out. Now…Romeo wants a suplex, and…I don’t know what’s going on here but neither guy wants to let the other win this reversal sequence. A double reverse back to Romeo winning is fine, but we get like a triple reverse or something. Val finally gets…huh, the Curtain Call? Weirdness. Shades of Golddust (GAY.) Vis tagged in. Sexay dance. He goes for a big splash. OH SHIT. I forgot to use Val as an excuse for a Venus/Artemis reference. The big splash misses, and Antonio is tagged in. He kicks away at Viscera. Punches. Romeo: “Hit him harder!” TRIPLE H OMG. Antonio goes to cheapshot Venis, but Val blocks and pops him one instead. Asshole. Viscera headbutts Antonio, and tags Venis. Venis goes up, Viscera spinebusters Antonio, but Romeo comes in and blocks any effort to give Antonio the Venus Love and Beauty Shock. Romeo flees, but Val turns right into a kick from Antonio. Antonio distracts the ref and Romeo cheats, which finally draws JR’s attention away from John Cena and his possible concussion. The HT’s work over Val’s leg. Val goes for an enzoogweeree, but Antonio ducks and drops an elbow on his leg. Tag to Romeo. Modified Shine Aqua Illusion. Romeo does some leglock. Val reaches the ropes. Coach: “They love to party and have a good time, but when it comes to getting down to business, they can do it with the best of them in the tag team division.” You mean HURRICANE AND ROSEY? Viscera fires the crowd up by moving slightly. Val kicks Romeo into Antonio, allowing Val to crawl to the tag. After, some vague shenanigans I don’t care about. Viscera comes in and clotheslines everyone. Clothesline for Antonio. Back body drop for Romeo. Both Throbs stacked in one corner. Ho Train Attack, but both Throbs get their boots up! Viscera stumbles around a bit. Antonio whips Romeo towards Viscera, but Vis catches him in position for a Samoan Drop. Antonio tries to save, but Viscera uses Romeo’s legs to knock him down. Samoan Drop. 1, 2…3? Whatever. Venis returns from the Gamera movie he was seeing with Hawk Eye (or was it Tiger Eye?) to aid Vis in a double sexay dance. Sexaay. The Enforcer, Double Sexaay. With his splendid torso.
“Highlights” from the Masterlock Challenge. This curtain-shaped framing device is stupid.
Commercials. During the post-Civil War Reconstruction period in the American South, the former Confederacy was divided (into more than three) territories ruled over by military governors. And southern Whites used to express their displeasure with these governors, as well as figures like Abe Lincoln and Ulysses Grant, by using chamber pots that had those fellows’ likenesses painted on the bottom. And today, I kind of wish you could buy chamber pots with Chris Masters on them. Yeah, bay-bay. The Masterpot is here.
MCMANNEQUIN invites us to donate money to the many victims of the hurricane. *Insert obvious joke about Heat jobbers here.*
I SHIT IN THE FACE, OF PEOPLE, WHO DON’T SUPPORT A STATE’S RIGHT TO SECEED is heading to the ring. Lillian tells us to “please welcome” Carlito, so I guess HBK’s point about defending the Intercontinental title fell on deaf ears. All blocked up with a lot of cool hair. Carlito is going to interview WOULD A FEMMY GIRL WHO LACKS TOMBOYISHNESS WEAR A BASEBALL CAP BACKWARDS? I THINK NOT! Worst Cabana Ever. Coach: “She says she’s learning something new every single day.” Today she learned to count to seven! Carlito calls her “Assley,” har har. Carlito disses her wardrobe. Carlito: “You’ve got an earring stuck in your lip.” She counters by dissing his lot of cool hair. She laughs really fake-like. Carlito says no one comes on the Cabana and insults him. Not Ashley, not HBK, and not Ric Flair. Actually, uh, all of them did. Carlito now cops to murdering Flair. Good cop, bad cop, cool cop. Now Carlito rolls footage of Ashley vs Fake Chyna. Lawler: “That vicious vixen Victoria!” If only she were a viscous vixen. Ashley steps all over Carlito’s lines. Dat’s not cool. Ashley: “I know I can fight! I know I can kick her butt!” Carlito, in falsetto: “I know I can fight! I know I can kick her butt!” He’s preparing an apple attack, but DON’T EAT THAT, EVE MADE ME EAT THAT AND I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE GARDEN invades. Carlito clubbers to start, but Flair goes for the testicular claw! Lawler: “He’s got Carlito by the apples!” Flair spends the entire beating gripping Carlito’s nads. Eventually, Carlito and his apples are ejected from the ring. Flair says Carlito is going to school at Unforgiven. Flair: “You think it’s cool to take a bite out of an apple? At Unforgiven, I’ll take a bite, outta your ass!” Elbowdrop on nothing. Kneedrop on nothing. Woos. Fan sign: “Ric Flair, be the man again.” Sexy.
More Masterlock “highlights.” If you don’t count Hardcore Holly (and you shouldn’t because he completely lacks the roided-up monster look you need to even pretend a full-nelson is a viable finisher,) the last guy I remember who tried to get the full-nelson over as a finisher was The Warlord. The goddamned Warlord, people.
Commercials. I kind of figured they might switch tacts on this “Lord of War” movie. Last week, romantic comedy, this week, gripping drama. Note: this movie does not feature The Warlord. The goddamned Warlord, people.
*SOUNDS OF THE FIRST CHORD OF “DUELING BANJOS”* have another vignette. Murdoch promises to rip people’s heads off and piss/possibly shit down their throats. For future reference, the bar Lance and Trevor hang out at is called “Tootsies Lounge.” No apostrophe.
Last week: Matt Hardy and Edge were rescued from the Pit of Despair by guys whose voices were all slow and weird. Well, they’re weird in this replay. Last week, they sounded like Joey Numbaz accidentally got sprinkled with pixie dust. And became a twinkle tinkler or whatever the Hell Tazz was calling Cole a few months ago.
COUNT DOOKU. IN EPISODE 3, NOT EPISODE 2, THOUGH HE SUCKED IN THAT TOO is backstage standing around. I WILL NOT DIE NOW FEED ME BRAINS UNGHHHHH shows up. Bischoff is angry. Eric: “Do you know how much risk you put every family arena in?” Huh? More bitching. Matt: “The only thing I’m worried about is getting my hands and hurting Edge!” Again, huh? Eric gives him a contract for a cage match with Edge at Unforgiven. It’s signed. Eric books him in an OMG HEELish match against Snitsky, NEXT! HEEEEEL! JR: “Oh man. No.” I hear ya, man. I mean, really, what could be more evil than making him face the only guy he’s beaten on RAW in the past year?
Or six months, or whatthefuckever.
Commercials. That ancient commercial where that guy starts screaming at a poker game and that guy who sounds and looks just like the dude who got fired from my job goes “Dude, we haven’t even dealt the cards yet” was on. And the funny thing is, I forget what it’s selling.
Our BOD Slam of the week was either a Hardy highlight or a Snitsky “highlight.” I could diss Matt too but meh.
I SMELLELLELLELLA BRAINS is out. So is I SMELLELLELLELLA FEET. EMO SQUID and HOWLING BALLOON MONKEY show up at the commentary position. Good thing, because I was this close to forgetting about the Edge/Hardy issue. Matt punches a bit, but Snitsky clotheslines him. Stomps. Bodyslam. Lita says stupid stuff about how much sex she and Edge are having. Matt is draped across the apron, and Snitsky goes out to kick him in the head. Edge: “Snitsky might finish the job that I’ve been startin’!” Lita: “It wouldn’t be his fault.” I thought she was gonna make some inane comment about how she acts as sloppy seconds for Snitsky. Snitsky does more stuff, and then Matt…does something I missed to take over. Matt tries to crawl his way towards Edge and Lita, but Snitsky chases him down and Someplace With Lots of Foot Fetishists Whips Matt into the steps. He sends Matt back in the ring, and does whatever his finisher is for 3. Snitsky goes outside and gets the ring bell. Edge pretends he feels bad for Matt but really he doesn’t HEEL. SINGLE TROUBLE CRAP ON A STICK comes out. Snitsky has time to hit Matt anyway thanks to Big Show’s tectonic speed. Snitsky runs away. Snitsky has somehow managed to find a feud in which he has a decided speed advantage. Good God. Edge: “I think he had his bell rung!” Coach: “Just a little bit!”
We see Tomko kicking Cena. Their match is next. Coach tells us, and JR’s brain explodes. JR: “It’s next Coach!” Coach: “I just said it’s next!” JR: “IT’S NEXT! IT’S NEXT!”
Commercials. Sexy, sexy thing. So sexy. Oh shit, Axe lets you fuck horses. I thought it was BOD. Suddenly, the accuracy of my lyrics to Coachman’s theme has become suspect.
ANGRY GOAT is out in some shiny golden panties. Coach: “Kicked the head off, literally, of the WWE champion!” BARRRNACLE (because Cena sucks har har, I mean, harrr harrr) is also here. In all his shitty glory. Glorious shittiness. Cena tackles Tomko and punches. He rips off the shirt. He charges Tomko in the corner. Punches and kicks. Tomko whipped to the corner, and Cena charges in with an elbow. Suplex by Cena for 2. JR: “Almost a fisherman suplex!” How? Cena with shoulderblocks and shit. Tomko finally lands a punch. Spinebuster. Tomko throws some knees. Scooping Cena up on his shoulder…strolling powerslam for 2. Coach makes reference to that team that whooped the shit out of Oklahoma University over the weekend. Tomko with more stuff. Suplex for 2. Modified Ninja Chokeout. I have to applaud JR for containing himself when OU was dissed, but Coach has already forgotten about it. Cena fights his way to his feet, but gets clotheslined down. Tomko yells. Setting up for the FFUAKK? Sweet Goat Music. Cena ducks and does his normal clotheslines and shoulderblocks. Armdrag by Cena. He does that one move he does. YCSM taunt, FKS, pumping the shoes, F-U, and it’s over. That was a pathetic, pathetic match. Cena ducks like one move and does his entire finishing sequence. Tomko has to lay there and wait for the FKS, like a shoulderblock or two made him as hurt as Jericho at the end of a fifteen minute title match. Cena is spending a long time celebrating on the top of the ramp, and sure enough, STAR STARFISH eventually attacks. With his star-covered onesie. Shut up. He whips Cena into a chunk of the set, does the Angle Slam on STEEL, etc. JR: “Angle is obsessed! He’s demonic!” Literally or figuratively? Angle holds the retardo belt aloft. He has long dreamed of owning a shiny, spinny belt.
Commercials. This Cry Wolf movie would be scary if the scary sound of someone scarily IMing you to threaten you with scary murder was replaced by the braying donkey sound you hear when EvilJon IMs you. A rare treat.
Replay of that bullshit match. JR: “Debauchery! The vileness!” It’s nice to see that a concussion doesn’t decrease Cena’s wrestling ability.
BODD GRISHAM SEXY SEXY THING, SO SEXY interviews SADLY, NOT JIM (w/FOXY). Angle: “Cena’s WWE title reign is a farce, it’s fake, it’s phony!” It’s a faaaaake, it was all a con, IT’S A PHONY! A BIG FAT PHONY! Kurt yells all angry but I’m far too amused by all the jokes we have about any form of subterfuge now.
Lawler: “Speaking of shaking, wow!” THE LEAST USELESS DIVA ON RAW. JESUS is accompanied by *TURNS AROUND IN CIRCLES WHILE HAVING BREASTS* and NOT TECHNICALLY A DIVA. AND NOT CHYNA EITHER, GOD DAMN IT. Torrie is from Idaho, I guess. Levitating Potato. Coach: “You gotta love the creativity there, it’s very, very creative!” Later, JR: “Boost Mobile! Where you at?” Then Coach plugs Serenity, but it’s not as entertaining as you might hope. I HAVE LITA FOR SAILOR JUPITER REFERENCES SO FEEL FREE TO STOP BEING A TOMBOY comes out, and our commentators whonder who has had more training in wrestling. Ashley gets distracted by the other girls, allowing Torrie to attack from behind. Torrie throws her face in the mat and stuff. Biel. Ashley sent to the ropes, Torrie Mama Shangos, and Ashley…tries for a sunset flip that comes out just completely awful. She kinda fell off her sideways and tried to maintain it anyway and ugh. The fans are booing. Torrie and Ashley both up, and nobody knows who is supposed to be connecting with these kicks they’re throwing about, but Ashley eventually just falls the fuck over and almost takes Torrie down with her. The fans are turning on this faster than John Cena can find an excuse to initiate his finishing sequence. Torrie does the “standing on the hair spot.” Torrie dropkicks her in the back of the head. Coach stuggles to find the word “initiation.” Torrie runs into a boot, and gets “speared” by Ashley. Ashley with a biel. Go Daddy chick grabs at Ashley’s boot, but Ashley…kicks at her or something. Torrie reverses a whip, Victoria pulls down the ropes, and Ashley takes a spill to the floor. Victoria press-slams her across the apron while the ref chats with Go Lady. Victoria (who is looking surprisingly awful) rolls Ashley back in. Torrie with what I suppose is her finisher, the Yo Now You Dealin’ With The Pocohotness Factor, and it gets 3. I’d say something about Torrie still being employed as a wrestler while Kidman languishes, but her, in that match she was the Ric Flair to Ashley’s Dusty Rhodes. JR, on Ashey: “She’s got some courage, moxie, she’s a tomboy.”
All right, enough with the Masterpiece packages.
Ew.
Commercials. I went to 411 today, and they have something called “RantWars” plugged in their news section. The name was retarded enough to pique my interest, and it’s a goddamned Columnist Search. Like, 10 columnists competing Diva Search style, with one person going every week according to online voting. I don’t even have a joke here, I just wanted to point out how hilarious I find this. They should force the columnists to jiggle for us. Commence to jigglin’.
Linda pimps anti-hurricane charities again.
SHINRA WOULD NEVER HIRE ME is out. It’s minority representative Shelton Benjamin. There’s a character in Final Fantasy X2 named simply “Shinra” (that world seems to lack family names, unless you-know-who’s first name is Yu and her last name is Na) which makes any references Sofa makes to FF7 (references I enjoy and which create in me only the deepest respect for our fearless leader) even more. Because instead of imagining an evil corporation not hiring minorities, I imagine this weird masked kid refusing to pay Blacks to…carry him around or whatever. Fan sign: “IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAHMINS.” Gracious Lord. How can you use the contraction of “it is” correctly, with an apostrophe and everything, and utterly mangle the word “Benjamins?” I mean, I used to call his Sheldon, but that’s a different name I thought I heard. I never called him “Shyelltuhn.” Shelton will be taking on 99% FAT FREE OR YOUR MONEY BACK (OFFER VOID IN UTAH AND CON-NECTICUT.) Some middle-aged lady has a sign that says “I’LL DO IT THE CONWAY!” You’re gross lady. Don’t sexualize Rob Conway. JR: “I rarely wear underwear.” Before they can start, RUFUS SHINRA invades. Coach…seems to like him this week. He’s calling him “K-White.” You know who I hate? K’ (pronounced K-Dash.) You know who knows what I’m talking about? Super Asia, and pretty much no one else. Is it ok if I don’t try to figure out his theme song’s lyrics? Lawler claims Chavo has had his name “legally changed.” I have a soft-spot for wrestlers who have their names “legally changed.” Conway attacks the distracted Benjamin. Shelton gets knocked down, and hit with the “check out my bicep” elbow drop. Conway puts Shelton in the corner, but his punches get blocked and Shelton takes over. Clothesline by Shelton, Samoan Drop, 2 count. Shelton stops to look with disdain in the direction of F-White, then…well, somehow, off-camera, Conway sent him to the floor. Lawler: “If he were any whiter, he’d be an I-Pod!” What? Conway rams Shelton into the barricade and suplexes him as Lawler and Coach have an…odd exchange. Coach says he’s middle class but has never joined a country club, and Lawler decrees Coach lower-middle class. Pause. Coach: “That’s not very nice.” JR: “That was an awkward pause.” Back in the ring, and Conway covers for 2 a few times. Stomps. This is pretty crappy for a Shelton match. Conway trying for the Rude Awakening (heavily modified Ego Trip?) for 2. Modified Ninja Chokeout. Shelton fights his way out. Punches are exchanged. JR: “Benjamin went from being a Gamecock to a Gopher.” I…I don’t know. JR is so quick with the barnyard analogies. Shelton wins the punchfest and goes clothesline crazy. Scoop slam by Benjamin (it’s over!) Sliding clothesline for 2. K-White indicates the length of Triple H’s penis. Shelton ends up on the apron, almost falling onto the golf cart. And…they tease that for forever, apparently to set up a visual K-White can point out on Heat or something about darkies trying to mess up his wheels. Shelton gives Conway a kneelift and heads up to the top turnbuckle. Top-rope clothesline connects. You know who would have been fucking awesome as Kerwin White? Maven. That would have been a thing of beauty. Conway kicks out at 2. Shelton sends Conway to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets kicked in the face. Shelton ends up getting a roll-up anyway, but is sent to Kerwin’s side of the ring when Conway kicks out. Kerwin trips Shelton up with his golf club, and Conway rolls Shelton up with a handful of tights for 3. Lawler: “Haha! Great!” Shelton does crazy “I’m gonna gitchoo” eyes. JR: “Ew, look at that face.” The best part of this is K-White celebrating as he rides his golf cart backwards up the ramp. WV has a real weakness for small, stupid motor vehicles. Even Taker’s bike led to sidecar humor. It’s really only Austin’s ATV that had no redeeming value.
Commercials. Now you can learn to play poker online for free at somethingorother.com. RateMyStereo.com. You can also buy a deck of cards and read that little booklet that comes in pretty much any deck. I think the pinochle decks probably have poker rules included. Or at least tell you what to remove.
I hit Google to make sure I was spelling pinochle correctly, and discovered there is a card game called “Podkidnoy Durak.” What is that, Cardassian or something?
Foley is selling scooters or something.
Lillian lets us know that THE SCOURGE OF THE GULF COAST and THE SCOURGE OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE NON-FAT WRESTLING have a non-title match, scheduled for one fall. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TIME LIMIT, LILLIAN? Fan sign: “CENA’S A WANKSTA.” Hahahaha. Totally. Their opponents are THERE’S ALL THE OTHER SUPERSTARS IN THE WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT, AND THEN THERE’S, US! Yes, it’s time for the big debut of Cade and Murdoch. “Trevor” really does look a good bit like I remember Dick Murdoch looking. Which largely means he just looks gross. The crowd is pretty apathetic. Coach and Lawler mock JR’s hickishness. Coach maybe, but Lawler? Lawler: “He’s a walking slobberknocker!” Coach keeps saying “ya know what I mean?” in hickish. JR mentions Dick Murdoch, but I guess Trevor isn’t officially a descendent. Murdoch starts with Hurricane. Hurricane backed into the corner, break, Murdoch tries to kick low but Hurricane escapes. Another lockup, and Murdoch throws a knee. Clubber. Hurricane ducks a clothesline and strikes the Hurripose, which sends Murdoch into the awesome, spastic sell where he just has a little seizure or surprise/rage before attacking. Murdoch charges into an armdrag. Hurricane sends him into the face corner. Tag to Rosey for some scoop slams (they’re over!) Punch. Murdoch sent to the corner and fatvalanched. Shoulderblock. Diving headbutt. Murdoch throws a knee, but walks into a punch. Lance distracts Rosey, allowing Murdoch to hit a forearm and take over. Lance tagged in. The heels try a double clothesline, Rosey rolls around and tries his own double-clothesline, but the country boys give him a doubleteam hotshot instead! Modified Shine Aqua Illusion, I suppose.Cade clubbers away, then has sex with Rosey’s back. Rope-choking. Murdoch does some illegal rope-choking as the ref asks Cade Cade’s least favorite question: “Is it Lance or Garrison?” Murdoch tagged in. Double elbow. Double clothesline. Murdoch covers for 2. Clubbering. Tag to Cade. Doubleteam suplex (aka MSAI, again) for 2. Cade punches. Kneedrop. Hurricane tries to get the crowd to clap instead of just going “2” occasionally. Rosey punches back, but gets rammed into a neutral corner. Cade throws knees. Yawn. Tag to Murdoch. Punch. Clubber. It looks like he’s going for the Modified Ego Trip, but then he just kinda clubbers. There’s a close-up of his ugliness and orneryness. JR and the gang talk about his sour disposition and breath. Neo Sour Man. Tag to Cade. Punching. If you like punching and clubbering, this is the team for you. Cade…going up top, almost like he’s going for OLD SCHOOL, but Rosey slams him off the top. Double tag, and Hurricane is a house afire against Murdoch. JR: “Hurricane is the quickest man in this match, he’s gotta be!” Otherwise the lack of molecular motion would take the temperature down to 0° K and set off a chain reaction that could kill us all. Murdoch tries to reverse a whip and…uh…something went wrong there, but Hurricane ends up in the corner, and pops up to hit Murdoch with a missile dropkick. He’s all fired up. Murdoch reverses a whip this time, but gets headscissored. Hurripunches. Murdoch reverses another whip, Hurricane tries for a crossbody, Murdoch catches him tries for some kinda slam, but Hurricane kicks his legs a lot and finished the crossbody. Cade tries to save, but Rosey clotheslines him to the floor, then follows him out. They brawl on the outside. Hurricane and Murdoch are still in the ring, and Hurricane wanders into a jawbreaker by Murdoch. Murdoch goes up, and connects with a top-rope bulldog! For 3! I thought “Dirty” Dick Murdoch’s finisher was the brainbuster, but I guess a top-rope bulldog is hickish enough to be Trevor Murdoch’s finisher. Cade gives Murdoch a friendly hug. The champs look stunned. Yeah, you guys can’t be at all used to losing.
Oh hey, check it out, Chris Masters has put people in a full-nelson before! Including Rosey! Sergeant Slaughter! Rosey! Someone I can’t see that well! Rosey! Rosey!
Commercials. Yawn.
I WANT YOUR TODD talks to MY ENTRANCE IS QUIET. TOO QUIET about out-choking. They show footage of Ric Flair getting out-choked. “Finally the show, is gonna be stopped, *long pause* of the show-stopper, once, and for all.” At least Brok could goddamned wrestle.
Hey, you know who Masters could never take with the Masterlock? The Yeti. There’s no getting a mummy’s arms behind his back, man.
Commercials. I SAY YOU YAWN.
MAYBE TORGO COULD HAVE LET HIM GET A LITTLE CLOSER TO THAT POLE, AND THEN HIT HIM is on the ramp. Lawler says something about “old masters, young mistresses.” That’s the bad news. The good news I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance. JR: “His version, of the dangerous full-nelson!” Not like the wimpy-ass full-nelson. I KNEW THE WARLORD, AND YOU SIR, ARE NO THE WARLORD is out. Of the closest hahaha boosh. Stalling. JR finally points out that in a real match, Masters would have to actually position HBK for the full-nelson. Lawler thinks HBK may have applied extra oil tonight. The Masterlock is applied. JR, over a shot of HBK’s perfectly normal looking face: “Michael’s face turnin’ a crimson red here!” Michaels is all spazzy. Then he dies and we do the “lift the hand spot,” but it doesn’t even fall once before HBK gets all spazzy again. He tries to ram Masters into the turnbuckles, but that doesn’t break the Masterlock. He does that spot where you run up the ropes and push off of them to drive your opponent into a pinning predicament, but what good was that meant to do in a non-match situation? Finally, he goes with a low-blow. I don’t even remember if the ref saw it, because who cares? Masters shoves HBK down, and Coach and Lawler claim that means HBK didn’t break the Masterlock. Masters gets a chair and hits HBK with it. HBK is all bloody. The Masterlock is reapplied. JR: “Michaels…he can’t survive this!” Yeah, he’s going to die of having his arms held behind his back. The Horde O’ Refs break it up. Nobody bothers to ring the bell, because it’s not like this is a match or anything. So stupid. But hey, Boobers was right about one thing: breaking the Masterlock involves Chris Masters’ shriveled roider genitalia.
Final Thoughts: Hey, when Coach had issues with Kerwin White, that validated the idea that Kerwin is a “character in our world, and we allow the fans to react to the characters however they choose; there’s no ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy’ anymore, it’s all how you feel.” Now that Coach has changed his mind for no reason, is that more true or less true?
