I’m not sure I can rebeak RAW like this. Wholly ignorant of the events of Experience.
ONE PIECE: What’s Zolo’s deal? There’s always some fresh excuse for him to not be at 100% when the fighting starts so he can look all noble when he hangs on long enough for Luffie to step in. At least when Goku needed to time to get back to Earth, Piccolo did the job to Nappa without bitching about “old wounds.” Not that I want the pirates of One Piece sailing to Namek to revive Zolo. Ugh. And at least Zolo now has an excuse not to help against Arlong. Sanjie’s just kinda standing there saying, “hey, I’m standing heah ovah heah!”
I AM THE BEST DUDE HERE: I kid, of course, though I enjoyed my little “Sailor Scouts attack the Tigers of the Ohio River” thing. It’s good that I enjoyed it too, as every piece of writing should be enjoyed by someone at some point, and that was it’s best chance. I am worried that with regards to the other dudes around here though, I may be losing touch. Take Mideo. Please. I kind of assumed the Bash Man would go over big, probably because he’s just the Con Man again. But then somebody named “Malik” shows up and we get no stupid YuGiOh jokes. I vaguely recall Gamefaqs anime board idiots pulling their hair out because FoxKids RUINED the way you says “Malik’s” name. Slightly more reasonable is my objection to our star attraction not knowing that the Rubicon was that river Caesar crossed. To get salad ingredients, I guess. Sofa would know. I know too, I just feel like acting like an idiot. Then Boobermonkeys produced that shocking and vulgar act of lock-jizzery. I still can’t find my monocle. But the one who worries me most is Sofa. He busted out FFT nicknames for Booker T and Christian vs The Mexicools (who I think of every time I drive by those big riding mowers that seem to be everywhere around here) and that’s fine. If an FFT nickname fits the first guy you give a nickname to, go ahead and take that as an excuse to use them for the whole match. I just didn’t get why Booker T was Ramza. I played an FFT game once when I had E&Cmania in which Ramza was named “Christian.” I guess Zalbag was Edge and Dycedarg was…Gangrel or somebody. I dunno who the fuck Alma was. Luna Vachon or Terri Runnels or somebody vaguely associated with the Brood. But yeah, it took me a minute to decode all that because I utterly failed to see where the FFT connection was. Still, using FFT references as names for no reason is fun. I’ll probably do it tonight. And the Death Knights would be way cooler if they were basically the Mexicools. Some noble dude would be mean to some peasant and then *JUAN DEER MOTOR SOUNDS* and then that music that goes “something something something Americanos!” would play and then out ride Weigraf, Miluda and…that one guy Weigraf killed whose name isn’t in this character list I found. I can totally picture that guy whose name I forgot doing moonsaults.
Opening montage of last week’s stuff. Gone but not forgotten is CENA, WHAT DID YOU GET? I…
The show begins with I DIG PADLOCK-GUZZLING APPLESLUTS. He pretends to be sorry his “good friend” Chris Jericho is gone but IT’S A COOL CON. The Highlight Reel is gone, so the Cabana can score the hot, gay guests like YES, YES SEXY BOY! YOU ARE THE SEXY BOY! I know I used that last week, but damn it, that name deserves another chance. Fan sign: “HBK IS RAW.” Dick burn. What? I didn’t make a photoplay with simulated semen. God, I hope it was simulated. Carlito: “Wow. This is truly an honor.” But then he totally fails to say “for you.” Carlito: “Last week, Carlito had the sixteen time world champion,” *fans wooing* “Yeah, woo, whatever.” Hahaha. Carlito admits that he admires HBK. HBK tries to joke around, so Carlito gets all pissy and says, “ok ok ok, fine!” Carlito points out that he is the Intercontinental Champion while HBK has no gold. Carlito’s Cabanas are getting pretty repetitive on that point. HBK says he’s had enough of all these egos, accidentally triggering a “Hogan” chant. Both men pause to consider this, and eventually HBK jumps in with “until he needs another payoff, he ain’t comin’ back.” HBK kinda pussyfoots around that fact that Carlito’s matches are ass and comes around to the point that Carlito never has one-on-one title matches. HBK: “When is the last time you even defended the Intercontinental Championship?” Carlito: “No no, I I, I just…what’s today’s date?” Hahahaha. Carlito says no one has the cajones to face Carlito. Then he disses Flair. Now Carlito tells HBK about the “pecking order” and the “ladder.” Haha, he reenacts HBK’s promo on Masters. And Michaels does a reasonably funny job of acting mock-stunned. Carlito: “You coming on my show, Carlito’s Cabana, and insulting the Intercontinental Champion? Dat’s not cool.” Carlito goes for an apple. HBK threatens to kick it down his throat if he even thinks of taking a bite. Dude, there’s every chance he had no spitting plans. Carlito introduces his surprise second guest, WHADYA MEAN, BOSS? Not a real famous Torgo line, but I like it when Joel casually says that in a Torgo voice after the Master tells Torgo he knows what he’s been up to at the tomb with the ladies. Joel, as Torgo, feigning innocence to put one over on the ol’ Master. Coach: “This young kid has ‘star’ written all over him!” With a Sharpie. Masters: “You know Carlito, Shawn Michaels talks real tough. Let’s see how tough you talk, after you pass out, to the Masterlock.” Forgiving “passing out to the Masterlock,” did he just threaten to put Carlito in the Masterlock? HBK, in a wacky sitcom voice: “You know, after 21 years of doing this, you’d think I’d be smart enough, not to get myself in these situations!” No kidding. He’s smart enough to throw the first blow, segueing from comical sitcom to action in an instant. He’d make an excellent Duke of Hazzard. Eventually Carlito sneaks in a DDT and the numbers take over. Masters wants the Masterlock, but I’LL SAVE YOU STING, I MEAN DAVE, I MEAN SHAWN runs out to make the save. Strutting occurs. The heels are ejected from the Cabana. HBK tries his hand at the strut. Hugging. Seriously dude, if you aren’t named Anderson, you can’t trust Ric Flair. And even Arn wouldn’t leave Ric alone with Amy and a bottle of cherry wine. Or a bag of cherry candy. She’s young, you know.
Oh, wait a minute! They were Ramza and Algus because Christian was obviously gonna betray Booker! God, I’m retarded. Booker T’s Wife Sharmell should be Delita. Fighting to avenge the death of her sister. Paisley.
Commercials. I’ve had more than enough of the “sexy sexy thing, so sexy” commercial. It’s the one where…HOLY SHIT IS THAT DR. ANGUS?
WE SPIT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO BE CHOKED OUT yell at VORMAV about how angry they are. Bischoff: “I think I have a solution.” Carlito: “All right then, solute the problem!” Bischoff books HBK and Flair vs Masters and Carlito, and Carlito has the gall to be surprised.
I’M GONNA GITCHOO CHRIS MASTERS! I MEAN, SNITSKY! is out. JR: “Big Show having a hard time finding opponents there days!” He can’t see over his gut. Jesus Christ, it’s ALICIA AND LAVIAN. Still got an FFT character guide window open. They’re jobbers. JR says they want to notch their gun. Their collective gun. Coach says two guys will always beat one. Huh. I never though of that, maybe I should rebeak this carefully, paying close attention to the moves, so I can pinpoint the exact spot at which the two smallish guys I’ve never heard of ensure their victory over the Big Show. Maybe if I keep playing out this joke, he will win before I have to transcribe anything. The challenge of realtime rebeak pacing. JR refers to the jobbers as “double beef cheeseburgers.” I have no idea why. God damn it, it isn’t over yet. JR: “Madison and Quartermain, if that is his real name!” They’re facing a guy named “The Big Show,” JR. JR: “How bad can he be?” Finally, a double chokeslam. That felt like it took forever. FEET DON’T FAIL ME IN TASTING DELICIOUS NOW tries to attack, but Show simply tosses him. Then Snitsky attacks with the ring bell, and for some reason I didn’t see Show wasn’t paying attention to him and gets killed. JR: “Does Snitsky know what he’s done!” Coach: “I don’t think he does, because like you said, he’s a psycho! He doesn’t care what he’s done!” But…does he know what he’s done?
Commercials. 3 disk Taker set. Includes Taker vs Race, Taker vs Steamboat, Taker vs Funk, and that Royal Rumble where he wrestled for over an hour. Oh God, can you imagine Taker actually winning a rumble where he started at #3? That’d be so…DR. ANGUS REALLY IS BACK? Did he always talk like he’s had a stroke?
Our BOD of the BOD is the inexplicable RAW/Smackdown Diva Swap.
MEET THE NEW WHORES, SAME AS THE OLD WHORES come out. The Go Daddy one crawls between Torrie’s legs, but neither could pull off the Melina Entrance. Does that sign say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN” or “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SATAN?” Oh, this promo is just awful. God, never give these girls microphones again. They tell whatshername to come out so they can apologize for last week’s beating, which was about the worst heel beatdown I’ve ever seen. THE ROCK N’ ROLL HOOKER FROM PROSTITUTE CITY comes out. JR dubs her a “tomboy,” because she is wearing a baseball cap backwards. No dude, powerbomb some motherfuckers into thumbtacks and go on to delivery a teary soliloquy about your old senpai you dated, then you get to be called a tomboy. (Editor’s note: I wrote that before Mideo made reference to Makoto’s motherfucker-powerbombing ways in the Angus Invitational. Weird.) Ashley accepts their apology, though she is “skeptical.” They inform her she has a match, and Ashley suspects it’s with one of them. Yeah, that Ashley is a real brain. “Oh no silly rabbit,” says the brunette. To my mild surprise, it’s not a handicap match (which would involve the Go Daddy girl DOING SOMETHING,) as instead Ashley is facing WHAT THE…A LADY WRESTLER? Victoria comes out. Ashley tries to attack, but is quickly ignored. Widow’s Peak, 1, 2, 3. For some reason, Victoria celebrates with the vapid whores who are evil, even though I thought her whole thing was hating the non-wrestlers. Well, whatever, she got booked to do something. Still, her music sucks now.
Commercials. The season’s finale of Hogan Knows Best? Didn’t that show debut, like, a month and a half ago? And…hey, TNA Impact on Spike TV ad. Not as big as Dr. Angus.
STEER and QUEER segment. Basically the same as last time, except Murdoch freaks out and has to down a shot of whiskey to get calm. If Mideon were more like Lance Cade, that could totally be us as a tag team. Nah, he cosplays exclusively with Boobers. Well Super Asia, looks like it’s time for you to get a little more cowboy and a lot more gay.
We open the next scene with a close-up of an acoustic guitar being played, then hear whiny singing. We pull back to reveal Edge sitting there listening to this one fag play guitar and this other fag sing while…two other fags just sit there. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Edge is hanging around with the shitty band that does his theme music, I guess. “Alter Bridge.” A little research reveals they’re what’s left of Creed after the most famous guy left. They sound like a Christian rock band. So it’s EDGE AND CHRISTIANS. Edge gets all mean when Todd says, “This isn’t American Idol.” He’s pretty badass for someone who listens to wuss rock. Edge, on Matt: “I left one breath in his body, and tonight, I take it away.” Yes folks, the pretty man with long blonde hair will take the pretty man with long black hair’s breath away.
OH MAN I BETTER START HOLDING MY BREATH is accosted by NO MY LADY! OUR ENEMY IS THE NEGAVERSE! IT WOULD NOT BE JUST TO ATTACK THE BASHAMS! What a self-indulgent nickname. She taunts him with her fake boobies. Somebody chants “ECW,” which is about what this deserves. Lita is mean to Matt. Matt responds by standing there. She tells him to go to Hell. Ok, now he’s talking. He will go to Hell, but he will bring Edge to Hell with him. ROADTRIP, DUDE!
Commercials. Do you suppose the Angus Shroom and Swiss might not suck? The original Angus only sucked because of the barbeque sauce. Would it be worth trying without cheese? I don’t normally like cheese on my burgers. I am agonizing over these questions, I’ll have you know.
Here are members of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. More like PUPPETQUEERS HAHAHA. JR calls one of them a “stud.”
WELL, ABOUT THAT TIME THAT OLD SEXY BOY HAD GOTTEN HIMSELF IN A WHOLE HEAP’A TROUBLE WITH MASTERS AND CARL-EETO is hanging around backstage when someone yells at him that “Ric is down!” They go running together (hand in hand, but not really) past what appears to be an NBA Jam machine before finding RIC FLAIR’S CORPSE. HBK yells “Chad, who did this?” so one of these guys must be WELL IT’S SO NICE TO MEET YOU, MELINA’S HAND! with *PUNCH* and WHY WAS I SO UNDERBOOKED IN THAT? I was actually gonna drop the CHP as a running reference to sell my disillusion at their loss to the Bashams, but then they legitimately surprised me by beating MNM. It was an exhibition, of course. Oh, yeah. Ric Flair is all dead and covered in blood and his shirt is ripped.
ZALBAG (w/I DUNNO, THAT ONE CHICK WHO WAS SORT OF SPYING ON DELITA BUT GOT KILLED) are out. Edge, for one, is upset that Ric Flair is all covered in blood and no one is drinking it. Bridge Work or whatever that band was called have apparently released a song or album or something called “Metallingus.” Somebody tap Boobermonkeys to simulate apples having sex with, wait, I guess that Masterlock was metal. OLD HARDY BOYZ NEVER DIE, THEY JUST FADE AWAY is out next. This is a Street Fight, so I expect Kane to return and put his scary face right up to the camera at a weird angle like in that one commercial only Supes and I saw. Also, as a Street Fight, this is best 2 out of 3 falls, each fall having a 99 second time limit. Lockup, Edge punches, Matt punches. Matt seems to get the better of it as Edge bails. Edge tossed over the barricade. Punches exchanged in the crowd. Hey, is that Dr. Angus in the crowd? They continue to trade punches in the crowd, and Matt chucks Edge back to ringside. Double axehandle off the security railing by Matt, and that crowd-brawl was kinda pointless. Kick by Hardy. Edge is rolled back in, and Matt is lookin’ for plundah under the ring. Garbage can lid found, and Edge gets hit over the head through the ropes with it. Matt finds a ladder. He sets it on the apron, but Edge baseballslide-kicks it into his chest. Lawler: “That may have broken his ribs.” Nigga plz.
Commercials. The Angus Shroom and Swiss is “knee-buckling.” Maven and McDonalds should sue. Wait, was Maven’s knee-finisher thing the knee-trembler, or was that Regal? Forget it.
We’re back, and Matt is throwing the bunches o’ punches in the ring. A replay from the break shows us Matt dodging a running ladder shot, and Matt superplexing Edge in the ring. Edge and Matt exchange more blows, and Matt goes down. Edge tries to spear Matt off the apron, but Matt has snagged a trashcan lid. Matt whips Edge into a ladder that was leaning up against the turnbuckles. Ramming him in there again. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this exactly, but the whole “omg this is real a shoot not fake like everything else” aspect of this feud kinda dies once the intense pull-apart brawls go away and they start settling their truly, deeply really-real differences in a completely standard hardcore match with the same exact pacing as we got in that month’s worth of Edge/Kane gimmick matches. I mean, I like this stuff ok, if I care even a little about either guy (and neither of them is Kane or a storyline relation,) but back in the day they didn’t try to tell us “everything on the card is all fake except that Kevin Sullivan and Cactus Jack really do hate the Nasty Boyz in real life and vice-versa.” Speaking of crusty old hardcore matches, remember that time X-Pac was spazzing out with his nunchaku and he lost his grip and they went flying out of the ring and Steve Blackman was just staring at him? And then Blackman let him go and retrieve them, waited for him to attack, and kicked his ass anyway? That was great. So, yeah, back to the match. Hardy sets up the ladder and climbs up top. Edge is up and climbing after him, but Matt knocks him back down. Two or so steps from the top of the ladder Yodeling Legdrop! Minus most of the yodel…connects! He really either needed to commit to the crowd-pointing and yodeling or OMG SHOOT by just doing the legdrop without the pageantry there. But it was still pretty cool. It gets 2. I guess Paul London made an impassioned appeal right before RAW that he be allowed to do that. Matt leaves the ring to retrieve a chair, but Edge…got a stick somewhere and hits Matt with it. And again. JR: “That Singapore stick! Singapore…cane!” Just out of curiosity, how many of you remember what then current event made it so hip for the sticks in ECW to be “Singapore Canes” anyway? Here’s another one, how many of you know why it was a big deal that Caesar crossed the Rubicon, and why it may have cost him his life? Send your answers to this address. The camera cuts away and misses somebody hitting someone with something. JR says “these men can do to…each other anything they choose,” but it sounds like “these men can doody!” Edge has a chair. He slams Matt’s head into it, leaves the ring, and gets another chair. Setting up the one-man conchairto, but Matt kicks his leg out of his leg! A replay shows that he tripped him in a kinda cool, roundhouse sweep-like way. Lawler: “That look of concern on the face of Lita, I gotta wonder if there’s a sincere bone in her body.” Well, Edge put one in there once! POOM! Matt struggles to the corner, and now he wanders towards Edge, who flapjacks him into the ladder. Edge goes outside to get a trashcan lid. He hits Matt with it a few times. Coach thinks these two are halfway to Hell. Tampa’s not that bad, is it? The ref keeps threatening to stop the match, but Matt won’t die. Edge gets another lid-shot, then falls over on his own. Edge punching away. JR: “Right for the head! Edge going right for the head!” Edge with a kick to the head, and they’re still doing the “ref wants to call the match, but Hardy says no” bullshit. Dude, he just kicked him. Edge tries to stick Matt’s head between the steps and the apron again, like last week. “Let’s go Hardy” chant, and Matt pulls his head clear before Edge can kick the steps into it. Both men on the outside. Edge wants the Edge-u-DDT-thing on the steps, but Matt fights him off and gets his own unnamed-DDT onto the steps. JR: “If they’re not in Hell, they’re at the city limits!” The Tampa Bay city limits, or the Hell City limits? They are kung fu hippies, from Hell City. Ah, Simpsons references. He’s Mr. Thou. That’s his name. That name, again, is Mr. Thou. Matt slams Edge’s head into the steps and hits him with a chair and stuff. Our commentators wonder how Lita feels about this. JR: “I don’t think Dr. Phil could figure Lita out.” Surely not! Why, he is the greatest mind in the history of psychiatry! Unlike you, I know the history of psychiatry. And unlike you, I’ve been with many, many girls. I’m starting to lose track of what I’m alluding to. Lita saves Edge by hitting Matt with the Monkey From the Bank. Dude, they still haven’t forgotten the briefcase! It could still be used! Matt turns to stalk Lita, so of course Edge hits him from behind. The men trade punches on the floor. Matt takes over and sends Edge back inside. Matt knocks Edge over with the ladder. SHADES OF CURLY HOWARD. Well, that’s not how he did it, but still. Matt lays Edge across a ladder, and goes up to moonsault him. Edge moves. So, Matt is so driven with mindless rage that he set up a moonsault spot? JR: “The ladder was ready, willing and able!” Both men end up outside. Edge has the trashcan whose lid has been used thirty times. He hits Matt with it, then…tries to wedge it against the post or…something, but can’t get it to work and hits Matt with it again. Or maybe Edge wanted to bend the can in an interesting way against the post. Matt and Edge with more punching. Coach: “JR you’ll notice, Edge is going after no other body part but the head, that’s all his game plan is tonight!” He wants to make it so that if Matt ever points to his head to indicate intelligence, he’ll be racked with pain. Like that awesome, awesome match where Rick Rude tried to do the sexay swivel, but had to stop to grimace in pain because Steamboat had been working over his ribs for several minutes. They walk up the ramp together, occasionally throwing punches. Matt whips Edge into a chunk of set, then turns to deal with Lita. He sets her up for a powerbomb off the stage, but Edge saves. Edge tries to scoop slam Matt (it would be over,) but Matt escapes. Matt tries the Twist of Audience Understanding of Works Versus Shoots, but Edge shoves him off. Edge almost falls off the entrance area when Matt sidesteps a spear (which was a STUPID MOVE to do in that situation.) Edge is teetering right on the…edge of the platform, Matt punches, Edge throws a punch Matt ducks…SIDE EFFECT…OFF OF THE PLATFORM! Oh fuck, they tard it up by shooting some sparky pyro off to make it look like they fell into electrical equipment. The crowd chants for “Hardy.” Lawler eschews the shushed-voice, opting instead to head down there with Coach to check on the fried corpses. Lawler: “You’ve got to get him off of Adam somehow!” OMG HE SAID ADAM NOT EDGE! Bischoff loiters around. They put a neck brace on Matt, but it falls off because no one tied it correctly. Sigh. I miss the old days. The New Age Outlaws could have put Chainsaw Charlie through a damned wood chipper and you wouldn’t hear Lawler going, “Is Terry ok?”
Commercials. Is it too late for the Angus/Burger King feud to be called off? Or it can end in mutual respect. Or it’s outcome can be ignored and they can be friends later, like every Kliq feud.
Both greasy punks are having neck braces put in place. JR: “Edge’s neck, and Matt Hardy’s neck both being neutralized.” Here are replays of the sparky pyro. You know what this means, right? Both guys are gonna be stuttering next week. HAHAHA, oh God this one EMT rocks! He sounds like Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinnie,” all high-pitched with the crazy accent. Magical Pixie From Da Neighbahood: “Edge, can ya move ya toes? If ya move ya toes ya back’s fine! We’re gonna get ya outta heah!” Lawler is back with his shushed voice. Coach is back. And…commercials again?
Commercials. Dr. Angus, pronounces burger as “burga.” If the Burger King ever gives him his own township to run, Dr. Angus would be “Da Burgameista.”
YO YO YO I HOPE DEY’S NO FATALITIES is out to talk. Coach wants to amend his catchphrase to “The champ for now is here.” JR: “You can choose to amend it anyway you choose!” King says it’s “all about the bling-bling,” and “you of all people should know that Coach!” Hahahaha. Cena…says shit that makes no sense. Cena: “My damn haircut’s too cheap, gas is way too expensive, Fifty Cent cursin’ like a sailor over at the VMAs, and last week I get attacked by a red, white and blue Tasmanian Devil. Frothin’ at the mouth, Hell I saw nothin’ but arms and teeth! And that’s the bad news. The good news…I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!” HAHAHA NOW DO A WHERE’S THE BEEF JOKE! Perhaps THE BEEF IS HERE! I fucking hate John Cena. Do you hate him too? Express you views by writing to this other address. Lawler laughs. Coach: “Why you guys laughin’?” Cena says that the champ is here, “but the plot thickens.” Cena challenges Kurt to a White-off. SQUIRT APGLE comes out. Coach: “Kurt Angle, don’t make me look bad!” He makes you look Black, anyway. Kurt: “You don’t want none’a this.” We see footage from last week on the Honkeytron. Kurt: “With all due respect, I’m not Chris Jericho. You’re looking at a man who was inducted in the National Wrestling Hall of Fame!” He tells us about the brokin’ frickin’ neck. Angle says he has more wrestling ability in his pinkie than Cena has in whole body. Oh it’s true. Kurt doesn’t say that, actually, but he does run off a list of recent victims. Fags. Tards. Blacks. More Angle victims. Cena tries to interrupt, and is told to shut his mouth. Cena wonders why he’s drinkin’ all the Hatorade. Ugh. Cena pretends he didn’t know Kurt won a medal. HAHAHA, some dude in the crowd, totally audible: “That’s Eugene’s medal!” Cena calls Kurt out. JR: “Hello, King.” King says something about…Sug Night? Shug Knight? Jon Hunt, help a brutha out. A brutha in whiteness. Kurt starts to go down to the ring, then turns around all heelishly. But then they boo like crazy, so he goes down again, and…turns around again HAHAHAHAHA. Kurt is so fucking awesome. Now Cena says he knows Angle likes to hit guys from behind, so he turns around. He waggles his butt all sexay-like. Cena: “You can do whatever you want. Nobody’s watching us!” I wish I wasn’t, now. Kurt does attack. Ankle goes for the Anglelock, easily countered version. Cena easily counters. The Horde O’ Refs pull Angle away.
Commercials. Dr. Angus has been on every break. That runs the risk of turning WV against an ad. I’m sure we would have loved incessantly singing Yuna if she only incessantly sang every third break or so.
Some boxer is in the crowd. He defeated some other boxer. No one involved was a Clown Prince. Now we learn that Ric Flair “will be joined in that hospital by Matt Hardy and Edge!” SLUMBER PARTY!
FACESON FACEKO is out, dancing around like imitation Batsita. I guess he’s not a face yet, though, as WHERE IS SUPER STACY? (w/I ATE HER) is out. Actually, it’s Rosey who will wrestle, but our commentators are directing what little interest they have in this match on Tomko. Coach mentions the Dupree storyline. I mean, who else was gonna? Rosey punches, but Tomko hits the ropes and clotheslines him down. Tyson throws a bunch of knees, then backs Rosey into the corner. Rosey gets a back elbow to stun Tomko, goes to the middle turnbuckle, hops off…right into the FFUAKK. The ref…stops the match. Tomko dances around like a retard. And screams like a bigger retard. Hurricane gets in his face, so…he gets KOed by the FFUAKK too. Nice tag champs, RAW. Lawler: “The Hurricane was downgraded to a tropical storm by Tyson Tomko!” Come on, make a “Where’s the beef” joke.
When Heat goes away, instead of rebeaking whatever replaces it, maybe Mideon can just pinch-hit on matches that clearly belonged on Heat.
Here’s a replay of Flair helping save HBK from Masters and Carlito. Then we see Ric Flair all covered in red temper paint. HBK: “CHAD, WHO DID THIS!?” YUICHIROU!? YUICHIROOOOOU!? JR says Masters and Carlito will “still be a tag team partner” against HBK. It’s a Handicap Match. Unless a mystery partner shows up to avenge Ric Flair. I’m thinkin’ Cao Cao. Which is why there is now the outline of a tiny, tiny hat floating above my head.
Commercials. Dr. Angus? Um…no. Man, they just did that to mess with me.
HISSHOU BURAI-KEN comes out. JR: “This is a handicap match, one man, against two!” I don’t understand. Please explain that again. JR: “Nintendo DS! Touching is doing! That’s my motto!” EWW, THIS IS ART is my first ever non-Manos name for Masters, because JR says it in this uber-sarcastic voice. JR: “Is he a stud? You’re damned right he is!” YEAH, WOO, WHATEVER is THE MAIN EVENT, BABY. What a lovely shirt. Masters, since when do you high-five with the IC title belt? Carlito, official second to any heel that nobody thinks can win their feud, starts. Carlito tries to push Michaels into the HEEEEEL corner, but Shawn breaks and skips away to the other corner. JR suggests the heels may have attacked Ric, Lawler says “allegedly,” but it kinda sounds like he said “legend” snippily for no reason. Randy Orton killed Ric Flair. Michaels and Carlito do boring arm-stuff until the runny-around bit starts. Michaels almost tripped-up by Masters, but he still…hits Carlito with something I missed. Masters tagged in, and he quickly biels Michaels across the ring, but HBK does quick, spunky babyface punches on both heels. Lock-up, and Masters powers HBK into the evil corner. Carlito kicking and punching through the ropes. Tag to Carlito for stomping. Carlito throws lefts in the corner, and JR declares him a southpaw! Oh man, Mideo has to be thrilled. All those Jindrak jokes…well, he’d get to make them if Carlito ever showed up on a B-show. Too big to wrestle “live” on Heat, too boring to have his matches replayed there. Carlito tags out to Masters, who stomps and shit. Carlito chokes Michaels while the ref asks Masters, “Is the full-nelson really a viable finisher?” Masters tags in Carlito for…wait for it wait for it…kicks. HBK comes back with chops. He sends Carlito to the corner, but Palumboizes himself when Carlito evades. Carlito covers for 2. Bunches o’ punches. Masters, to the crowd, indicating Carlito: “Give it up!” Carlito slaps on the sleeper. God damn it Carlito, stop being so shitty once the talking is done. HBK back suplexes to escape, and Carlito does one of his cool “sit up for a second, then pass out” sells. Carlito sends HBK to the ropes, but Papa Shangos and eats the Modified Ego Trip. Speaking of which, no Con Man tonight, so I guess The Aforementioned Mideo gets to debut “The Elbow Trip” as a rebeak joke. Then more stuff happens that I sorta zoned out on and we go to break.
Commercials. Dale Earnhardt Jr Wrangler ads TIMES TWO! So…don’t wear those jeans. Hahaha, powersitting.com has this message playing that tells you to “get your sit together.”
We’re back, and HBK is chopping everyone. Masters is sent outside. Carlito sends HBK to the ropes, and…OMG JR CALLS THE FLYING BURRITO! Heenan called it that for years, but I never thought it was official. HBK nips up twenty minutes later, to the SHOCK of our commentators. HBK with a scoop slam (it’s over) and goes up…CALL IT THE ELBOW TRIP! Well, it wasn’t Conway, so I guess it was a Modified Elbow Trip. HBK dances around like an idiot. Foot-stomping. JR: “Carlito, do ya like the Sweet Chin Music?” Masters grabs Michaels from the floor, pulls him out, and clotheslines him to death. Carlito comes out for stomping. Carlito back in, Masters tosses HBK in, and the commentators act like Carlito will surely win after this clothesline (moments later.) Carlito gets 2. Rope-choking by Carlito. Masters sneaks in a boot while the ref discusses apple sex. Coach likes the red apples. Carlito covers for 2. More stomping. Tag to Masters for kicks. Carlito: “Dat’s cool!” Masters sends HBK to the ropes, drops some elbows, and gets called a “stud.” Guess who? Masters covers for 2. Masters finally does some kneeing of the back. Well, I guess it’s good that he’s trying to set up his stupid finisher. Backbreaker…ah, he does that one where you don’t release, and give them another backbreaker. And a third, and then he pushes down on his chin and thighs. Sexy. JR: “Michaels is Houdini like here! He’s all contorted!” Lawler notes that Carlito is taking the credit (uh…how?) HBK punches his way out. Now punches get traded a lot. HBK with a corner whip, Masters reverses, and Michaels does the modified Flair Flip. Gorilla press. Masters starts signaling for the Masterlock. Michaels turns and punches away. Michaels hits the ropes, Masters tries to get a spinebuster, but HBK turns it into a DDT. XYZPDQ. SHOULDN’T THE DOCTORS HAVE AT LEAST WIPED THE BLOOD OFF OF HIM BEFORE LETTING HIM ESCAPE comes down, wrapped up like a mummy! He’s tagged in to betray HBK! But he attacks Masters! My God! He punches Carlito! Chop-block for Masters! Going for the Figure-4, but Carlito gets a low-blow! Michaels attacks Carlito, sending him to the outside! Michaels with a plancha on Carlito because he’s retarded! Masters puts the Masterlock on Flair. Get back in there RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING FAGGOT. This is so stupid. Flair is covered in fake blood, and is choked out. So Masters choked out a 300 year old zombie. HBK is too big a legend to put over Masters, so they had to go with a B-leaguer like Ric Flair. JR: “DAMN IT! DAMN IT! *pause* Damn it.”
Final Thoughts: I guess Flair betrays HBK next week or something. Anyway, this was ok, I guess. It seems from the thread on our forum (which, if you’re reading this and not reading that, must feel very unloved) that I paid way too little attention to what an idiot John Cena was in his promo. Perhaps I’ve been dulled to his shittiness.
