SAILOR MOON: No, I didn’t see any, but I wanted to praise the job Mideon did of writing up how a battle between the Cherry Hill Posse and Dean Malenko would go. I could have used less of Raye (who is probably only like fifteen when Chad and Grandpa disappear without explanation halfway through Super S) grabbing Deano’s gnards, but then, I’m the one who made KoL jokes about her “handling Chad’s meat.” But yeah, excellent job of making Raye the only one who could do anything and making her ashamed of her own running buddies. Though for future reference, she has to transform into Sailor Mars before she gains any kind of pyromanatic powers beyond mere fire-reading. And she can’t do that unless Chad and Gramps are KO’d. And lest the Bashams supporters get all excited about some plan where they COME ON and FINISH HER first to render the team powerless, Raye automatically sucks it up and recovers when Chad and Gramps go down, so don’t even bother. It’s a bit like fighting the Lavos core, where you can kill that center douche all day before you realize you’ve got to kill the far right one.
PARANOIA AGENT: Yeah, I did some nosing around online, and that was the last episode. I guess I didn’t really expect a resolution that explained everything, not from a show like that. I don’t know what I’ll watch at like 3 in the morning on Saturdays now. As I wait for Super Asia to log on and officially signal that it’s way too late to still be up. I suppose I could watch PA again from the start, as I completely missed who the Hell that old man writing the super long equation was. I wonder if there’s any way I can convince Mideon to name his Nintendawg “Maromi?” I’ve got to do something, as otherwise neither Sofa nor I will still care about Maromi or Lil’ Slugger by the time next year’s Angus Invitational rolls around. Which might happen. Maybe next year’s WV-15 can be “Top Fifteen Lil’ Slugger Victims.” I’m putting all my weight behind “Lil’ Slugger.” MORE SLUGGER VICTIMS!
ONE PIECE: That shot of Luffie, Zolo, Usop and Sanji walking towards Arlong Park looking all bad-ass was pretty funny, for several reasons. For one, as hard as Luffie is to take seriously as a bad-ass, he’s right next to fucking Usop. Two, they’re heading for “Arlong Park,” the goofiest name for a villain’s hideout that didn’t contain Cheatum the Midget ever. And three, Zolo’s Hawaiian shirt. I’m not sure if it’s funny or awesome, actually. Oh, by the way, One Piece is now airing Monday through Thursday at 10pm, in place of Teen Titans. DUDE, MIDEON, YOU CAN WATCH LIKE EVERYDAY NOW!
Have I made up for not blogging about stupid cartoons last week yet?
Summerslam package. Angle is the somethingist bleep in the something. HBK fags out and offers Hulk a handshake after jobbing to the big boot and legdrop like everyone else ever.
HING BONG KUNDY is out. Do I have to explain why I think that works? No…let’s try something new. Let the joke stand alone. JR has soooo much respect for HBK after he pussed out and shook Hulk’s hand. Hands off the merchandise. Fan sign: “Yes HBK you ARE a sexy boy!” YES, YES SEXY BOY! YOU ARE THE SEXY BOY! Hahaha, here’s a hilariously awful sign that says “HBK will live forever” where you can barely read anything but “HBK.” It also features a kneeling HBK, drawn by a four-year-old. HBK admits that “last night, Hulk Hogan was the better man.” In bed. Now some guy dressed as Hogan (and, shockingly, rather stupid-looking) holds up a sign that says “WACHA GONNA DO BROTHA.” Wacha gonna do, unlesh the aminal? HBK: “He was cat-like, he was agile, he was nimble!” Cat-like? Like Garfield? HBK reveals that his praise of Hogan IS ALL A CON! Now HBK tells us Hulk doesn’t care about us and he does, which is why he’s here talking. So…the face-turn was all a con as well? Oh, here’s a convenient heel interruption, so he can continue to go face without having to betray his strong ethical stand against Hogan. But I find I CALLED TOGO’S PIZZA AND THEY WERE BUSY, SO I ENDED UP HAVING TO ORDER FROM TORGO’S PIZZA to be an odd choice. I guess Masters is ready to step up to a main event level. He really proved that in his feud with The Big Show that just…sorta…fizzled out. Anyway, Masterpiece entrance. Coach: “Shh! This is brilliant. Don’t ask any questions yet.” Masters, during his pyro: “Oh yeah! The Masterpiece is here, baybay!” Coach fails to shush him. JR talks, so Coach is all, “JR, what did I just say? We’ll find out in a second why he’s out here! Just shut up JR, come on! Respect! Respect.” I guess it’s just me, but I can’t get over how Coach and Lawler spend Masters’ whole intro telling JR to be quiet. Lawler: “What would you rather do, listen to Shawn Michaels talk, or look at an Adonis like Chris Masters?” Can I choose death? JR seems at least dimly aware that Coach and Lawler have become raving fags at this point. Masters makes his pecs dance at HBK, who is supposed to be doing a “as a babyface I respect your athletic ability and yet I retain my cocky smile” look, but instead is doing a “plz have sex with me” look. JR: “It’s all about the pecs.” Masterpiece: “I’ve watched you ever since I was a kid. And I mean, little kid.” Yeah, remember: we’re stupid so make sure to double-underline your punchlines, WWE. HBK does goofy faces. Masters bitches about the lack of torch-passing by oldies like HBK and Hogan. THE ROAD IS FULL OF POTHOLES! HBK interrupts because it ain’t cool to compare him to Hogan. HBK: “The problem with you kids today is you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know, you know? Look…you’ll get that one tomorrow.” HBK talks about the pecking order. The pecker order. Yay me. HBK: “You wanna get the top, you figure best way push off HBK. I’m diggin’ it kid. You’ve got the cajones to come out here, I’m all over that.” Wow. HBK just literally said he’s all over Chris Masters’ cajones. HBK says the air gets thin at the top. Masters jokes that the hair’s a little thin up top on HBK too. Wakka wakka waaka. HBK laughs it off, then attacks. Masters sends HBK to the ropes for some reason, so of course he eats the flying burrito. Kip-up, but Masters has already fled. Thank you, WWE writers, for efficiently introducing the shittiest post-Summerslam program possible.
Well, I suppose Masters vs Cena would have been worse.
Oh man, Ric Flair is the guest on the Cabana? I could have GONE to this show! Huh, the new Carlito’s Cabana graphic sure is gay.
I TOO WAS WATCHING HBK WHEN I A WAS KID. AND I MEAN, A LITTLE KID is talking backstage to BADBAD. BadBad was a character from the SNES RPG, “Tecmo Secret of the Stars.” Since I know it’s just killing you, I’ll tell you: he was a villain, not a hero. Bischoff has worn past whatever patience I had and now when it comes time to think of a Bischoff nickname, my mind just wanders to the stupidest and most boring villains I can think of. Eric gives Jericho a rematch, with special stipulations. Bischoff: “Let me put it to you this way, after you defeat John Cena in the first ever “You’re Fired” match, I’m gonna fire the loser, John Cena! Get it?” No. Explain that again. Now they hug a few times. I try not to think these plotlines through as a smark, but does even the markiest mark (who would most certainly be a Cena fan ahchacha) worry that after Cena beat Jericho and Carlito in a handicap match last week and then beat Jericho at Summerslam, suddenly he’s going to lose and be fired on free TV?
Commercials. Local sports collectibles shop autograph session ad: “Don’t miss current Smackdown champion, John Cena!” Oooh, can I meet Crash too?
Our Wrangler Wrangle of the Night is Kurt making Eugene tap.
AMERICAN BY BIRTH, ANGRY BY VIRTUE OF NEVER HAVING FELT LOVED BY MY FATHER never felt loved by his father. True story. The fans tell him he sucks. Fan sign: “U Suck Angle” arranged so USA is spelled out vertically. So…we know the “you suck” chants stick around when he’s a face, so…is that sign pro-Angle, or anti-Angle? Is that complimentary to Angle, or supplementary to Angle? Hahaha, oh God I’m not funny. Still, not as bad as trying to use the quadratic formula for a Tyson Tomko nickname. And you know, to this day it upsets me that the entire internet didn’t agree to refer to that one Kurt Angle midget as “Acute Angle.” JR: “I gotta tell you something, Kurt Angle did not suck at Summerslam! He was his evil wrestling best!” He’s an honorary member of Kai-en-tai. “SPECIAL DELIVERY” BENJAMIN refers to the fact that Shelton Benjamin turned into a big jobber out of nowhere these last few weeks. Ironically, “Special Delivery” Jones would also be a great wrestler to talk about when referring to Kurt’s last foe, Eugene. This ought to be good, and Shelton squeaking out a victory would signal the start of a great feud. JR talks about how both guys were collegiate superstars. AHEM, TEAM ANGLE? Coach suggests this is a match between the two best athletes in the WWE today. AHEM, ORLANDO JORDAN? Uh-oh, the referee is Chad Patton. Whoa, JR does mention Team Angle! I’ll eat my hat (that I never wear anyway) if he mentions Haas. Shelton wins a grappling session by sneaking in a back suplex. Angle bitches. JR: “What’s Angle complaining about, his hair was pulled?” I didn’t see Shelton reach into Kurt’s trunks. Shelton does a waistlock takedown, Angle breaks it and does arm-wringing stuff…and…they do more reversals that ends with Angle going to the ropes to escape. JR: “I don’t think Shelton Benjamin can be intimidated by any man alive.” What about Freddy Krueger? Or Doctor Satan? They’re both clearly alive and well. Kurt kicks Shelton in the stomach and takes him down with a Fujiwara armbar. Shelton gets to his feet and escapes by springing off the ropes all flippity. JR tells us Kurt was a two-time NCAA super warrior at Clarion. Lawler: “JR, you know what, does anybody really give a damn about Clarion? He’s a former WWE champion!” Hahaha. JR: “I would assume the folks at Clarion care about Clarion.” Lawler: “Yeah, they have their Clarion fan club meetings in a phone booth.” *Coach laughs audibly.* JR: “Yeah, that’s a riot.” Coach: “I thought it was pretty funny!” I guess I’m kind of glad that the storyline allegiances have been forgotten (what with Al Snow falling off the Earth) and now Coach and King can TEEM UP to irritate the Hell out of JR. Shelton does some armbar or other, but Kurt throws a forearm and armdrags his way out. He suckers Shelton into charging into a belly2back, but Shelton lands on his feet! Angle charges in, but Shelton ducks and does the old “low-bridge” thing with the ropes to send Kurt to the floor! He’s winning at the commercial break, so forget what I said about an upset and a feud.
Commercials. I hope nobody is taking my rage in the Angus Thread too seriously. My bracket is still going ok-ish, as I kind of knew everyone would vote against everything I love and hold dear. Still, it is irritating to have everyone voting against everything I love and hold dear. KILLSWITCH! ANGRY!
Angle is sending Shelton back in the ring when we return. He covers for 2. Crowd: “2.” Great way to acquit yourselves on national television, fellow Virginians. When it’s getting passé in Canada, it needs to stop bad. Kurt does some crazy submission move whose name I don’t know but gave to my Sailor Venus CAW. We see a splitscreen view of Angle belly2bellying Shelton right to the floor during the break. Shelton gets out, but gets whipped to the corner and belly2backed off the rebound. Angle covers for 2, twice, and the crowd goes “2” both times. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I didn’t go see this live. European uppercut by Kurt. Stomping, boot-choking. Lawler: “This is vintage, modern-day Kurt Angle!” What? Kurt with a vertical suplex for “2.” And another cover for “2.” Body-scissors by Kurt. Lawler: “My crown is off to this guy.” You don’t deserve “Burger King” chants. Coach wants to know why JR is so down on Angle, so JR starts in on how he was praising Kurt’s athletic ability and calling his matches when “Coach was thinking about it.” Lawler: “So why do you think he sucks?” JR: “I DON’T THINK HE SUCKS!!!” Hahaha. Shelton fights out, Kurt whips him into the corner, and now Kurt follows him in and…Palumboizes himself when Shelton dodges. Kurt staggers, but charges again…into a spinebuster! Coach says Angle’s “velocity” backfired. If only the truck from the Velocity intro backfired, The Rock would still be alive today. JR: “That’ll take you right out of your La-Z-Boy in your living room!” No thanks, I’m fine remaining in my La-Z-Boy. Shelton does flying forearms and shit, but when he charges into the corner, Angle catches him with an elbow. Now Kurt charges into a Samoan Drop for a long 2. Fan sign: “2.” Shelton sends Kurt to the ropes, and goes for one of those dropkicks that hurt if you miss, so Kurt grabs the ropes. Ankle tries for the Anglelock, but Shelton kicks him off. Shelton asks Kurt to hold his foot, Shelton does so, Money Clip for 2. Shelton goes up top (stupid,) so Angle does his awesome running super armdrag for 2. The straps come down. Stalking Shelton for the Angle Slam, but Shelton…counters into a tornado DDT! JR: “The fat lady’s not singing, she’s eatin’ a doughnut!” JR is so jealous. Kurt kicks out of that DDT at 2. Kurt staggers up…Shelton wants the Exploder, but Kurt does a single-leg trip! Ankle going for the Anglelock…he starts with the stupid Shamrock standing version that has no leverage, but quickly grapevines and goes into the “I’m Not Fucking Around Anymore Benoit” version. I’m no expert, and maybe TCF or somebody will research it, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen anyone escape this. Shelton won’t be the first, anyway, as he taps. This raises the question of why Kurt even bothers with the version that leads to so many “roll around and break my own ankle” counters, but hey. Hey, I said. Lawler: “There’s no shame in tapping out to that.” JR: “One Hell of a wrestling match!” Lawler: “You tap, or you wear a cast on your ankle for months.” JR: “Angle has taken his game to another level!” Coach: “Well I’ll say this tonight, Shelton Benjamin you’ll have to agree with me on this, he took HIS game to a whole ‘nother level, cause that’s as great as I’ve seen Shelton Benjamin perform…” Lawler: “What a match!” Coach: “Against Kurt Angle.” Lawler: “What a match!” Coach: “It took everything Kurt Angle had, to take care of Shelton Benjamin.” Wow, the commentary is, like, good tonight. I think one way Coach helps is in providing somebody who can be critical of babyfaces like Benjamin without being a huge racist about it. Kurt gets a chair, sets it up in the ring, and reenacts the medal ceremony! Hahaha. JR flips out about the evil in Kurt Angle’s soul.
Commercials. This ad for Advance Wars DS or whatever is actually pretty funny, which is why it’s a shame the handful of rapidly-cut screenshots make it look like a really good NES game.
Is this Seether album cover inspired by the time Crow and Servo smooshed up Joel’s face to look like Arch Hall Jr?
DOMINIC’S FOSTER PARENT pulls up in a golf cart while some swinging crooner’s music, possibly Sinatra, plays in the background. It’s Kerwin White. The guy in the golf cart, not the crooner. Kerwin: “Hi! I’m Kerwin White! That’s Kerwin, W-H-I-T-E, WHITE! You know, I represent middle-class America, which means that I represent all of you! In fact, I’m the official spokesman of middle-class America! I’m just here to say what all of you are thinking, but too scared to say yourselves. *little crying face.* But, but seriously, let’s take tonight! Shelton Benjamin wrestled Kurt Angle, our Olympic hero, and all of you gave Shelton exactly what he deserved. A polite applause. *golf applause, then, in eight-year-old mocking you voice:* Yay, Shelton. *back to normal voice* Because let’s face it, racism and prejudice runs rampant in America, and especially right here, in the Tidewater area. But come on, I’m just saying what all of you are thinking, and you know I’m right. But don’t get me wrong, Shelton Benjamin’s an incredible athlete, he’s one of the best athletes I’ve ever seen! But Shelton Benjamin is not one of us. And he never, ever will be. And why? Well because Shelton Benjamin is not WHITE. And America, don’t forget, if it’s not White, it’s not right!” I’m not entirely sure I see the point of this, but it’s nice that middle-class America now has an “official spokesperson” who can battle it out with other official class spokespeople like Richie Rich and Boxcar Willie.
Should I have gone with Harry McHobo? I should have gone with Harry McHobo.
PAPER MARIA IN THE DOOR OF A THOUSAND BRAIN CELLS wanders the halls looking pretty but stupid. She puts a foot on a chair to adjust the…straps, and in swoops PEANUT BUTTER AND TOE-JAM SANDWICHES IS GOOD EATIN’ to caress her feet and act weird. So…he is a foot fetishist again. Great. Snitsky: “This little piggy went to the market.” Maria: “Really?” Snitsky: “This little piggy stayed home.” Maria: “Uh-huh!” Anyway, Snitsky is sniffing away and stuff until I SUPPOSE A LITTLE BIT OF TOE-JAM WOULDN’T STOP ME FROM EATING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH invades BY STICKING HIS BARE FOOT IN THERE. And Snitsky is the perv? Show slaps Snitsky for being a weirdo. Show: “You don’t even know this girl; you wanna suck her toes?” You should really understand a young woman’s views on issues of morality and the various philosophical schools before you first ask her if you can suck her toes. Show calls him a pervert, and Snitsky flees. Maria doesn’t know what a pervert is. *Cena “ha-HA” laugh.*
Matt Hardy walks.
Commercials. Filmcans had the class to make a joke about John Cena’s smooth flow and Bounty. I’d have gone with Kotex or something.
SOME DAY, EDGE WILL GET BORED AND DIE AND THEN I WILL RULE is something I never anticipated, a Matt Hardy nicknamed formed by misquoting Phantom of Krankor. So, “red-hot” Matt Hardy comes back for revenge, and gets his butt kicked? Whoa, and why in God’s name is he facing I JUST SCAMMED A TORNADO? Coachman: “‘The Model of Excellence’ is Rob Conway!” You know, when Conway did the “Out On His Feet” dance against Arn, I was SURE it was gonna turn out he was playing possum. If Conway loses I’ll be pissed, and if Hardy loses…well, I’ll just feel really bad for him. THANKS FOR COMING BACK AND JOBBING FOR ME BUDDY! ENJOY ROH! (w/MAYBE AMY, RAYE, MINA AND I CAN BEAT THE CON-STABLE) appear at the top of the apron. Matt tells them to bring it, but Conway brings it to the back of his stupid, stupid head instead. Punches by Conway as Edge takes a seat at the announcer position and Lita kinda lounges on the table. Kicking by Conway. Wait, Edge is sitting on the table too. Glad I could clear that up. Conway just keeps punching. The fans chant for “Hardy.” Hardy blocks a punch and punches back. Conway, gets a sleeper. Edge “punked” Hardy, and pulled his punk card. Conway does like a side headlock. Edge declares that he owns Lita’s body. Conway back to a sleeper, but Hardy does a jawbreaker. Punching back and forth. What a horrible match. Matt sells being dead from last night, then does a clothesline in the corner. Punching. JR: “Matt Hardy scoring with those forearm shivers!” Hardy charges into the boots. Conway goes up, but Hardy crotches him. Looking for a superplex, but Conway, punches him down. Top-rope elbow. The…Con-sternation. It hits. For 3. The commentators seem legitimately surprised. Wrestling moves in that match: clothesline, sleeper, jawbreaker, flying elbow. Hottest internet-darling ever Matt Hardy is now 1-2, with a win over Snitsky and losses to Edge and ROB CONWAY. Edge attacks Matt. JR: “That is a vulture-like assault here!” Conway is off hitting on some hot Farplane chick. Um…Tidus’ dead Mom, I guess? No females with any lines really die in FFX/X2. As much as I wish Rikku would. Edge sticks Matt’s head between the stairs and the ring, then kicks the steps. Edge’s music plays as he walks off with the girl while Matt lies there dead. I bet Matt’s glad he came back!
Lawler: “Big Show puts his best foot forward when he takes on…Snitsky!”
Commercials. You know Ultimate Fighter 2 is gonna be cool because everything is bleeped in the ads. They wouldn’t be clever enough to bleep non swears. Would they?
I AM THE REAL NATURE BOY BECAUSE OF MY AFFINITY FOR APPLES is ready to interview THE WHOLE WORLD WAS UNPLEASANTLY COOL BEFORE I INVENTED FIRE. Before Flair comes out, Coach talks about how Cena’s album outsold (this week) a bunch of guys who don’t have new albums out. Carlito welcomes Flair to the Cabana, to boos. These fans sure do hate cabanas. Flair: “Carlito’s Cabana, welcome to Flair Country! Woo! Woo!” At least he didn’t welcome him to Ric Flair.” Carlito tries to out-woo Ric. Lawler: “Uh-oh, not another woo-off!” Carlito: “You know what, wooings not cool anyway.” OMG HEEEEEEL. Carlito: “Carlito remembers the legendary matches, the legendary battles with Carlito’s own father, the great Carlos Colon. You guys battled all over the Caribbean, Carlito used to sit down in the coliseums right about there, not those cheap seats in the back like all those broke people,” pausing to smile at Ric, “and Carlito would watch. I mean, my father said you weren’t all that great, but I think…well actually, now that I’m standing in the ring with you, I can see he was right.” I wish he’d claimed Carlos Colon respected Ric and Carlito disagreed. Because then I could pretend Carlos Colon wears a tiny hat and disses Xiahou “Patched” Dun in favor of Guan Yu. Carlito thinks he’s better than Flair because A) Flair has lost the belt as many times as he’s won it and B) because Flair never held the IC Title. Yeah, he was never Employee of the Month at my local Denny’s either. BURN. Carlito: “And that…I’ll take it from here…is cool. Ric Flair on the other hand…you’re not cool.” Ric: “You’re right son, I’m not cool.” Carlito, off-mic: “He said it, he said it!” Ric: “I am very simply, THE NATURE BOY! RIC FLAIR! A limousine…” his normal spiel “…that your father referred to as the King of the Caribbean!” But only one hero can rule this land, and that will be Cao Cao! REMEMBER THAT, LIU BEI/RIC FLAIR/CARLOS COLON! Ric says something about “all night long” and “woo” but it’s APPLE MIST! Carlos laughs, but is SHOCKED when Flair ATTAX! Flair chops the crap out of him. Shinbreaker, but Carlito rolls out of the ring to escape the Figure-4. Now Flair…with an elbowdrop on his own discarded coat. Coach doesn’t understand why Flair is mad, JR points out that he had an apple spit in his face. JR asks him how he’d like that. Coach: “It all depends on if it’s a green apple or a red apple! I like green apples!” Um…ok. It’s nice to know Coach is a homosexual who is into food-related humiliation. Anyway, Flair’s music plays, but I’m sure Carlito just scored some big points with Boobermon. Coach: “The youngsters are teaching the veterans a lesson in…” long pause, “…well, a lesson in how ya do it.” “It” being “spit apple and then get your ass kicked by an elderly mental patient.”
Commercials. So Super Asia is in the house today (Wednesday. Yeah, uh, sorry this is so late) and this ad came on with a figure in the shadows, an announcer talking about a man “standing for chocolate” and that music from “Also Sprach Zarathustra” (aka Jack Sprach Could Something…Wack. E.) And I said, “Ric Flair!” And the shadows parted to reveal some cartoon chocolate chip cookie. And Super Asia said, “why would Ric Flair stand for chocolate?” So I went, “what, you think this ad is beneath him? They’d offer him money to endorse chocolate and he’d go, ‘No way, this is beneath my dignity! Woo! Now I’ve gotta get back on the crazy bus with Scott Hall! Woo!’”
The Boost Mobile…Boost is Ashley winning the Diva Search when a picture of her appeared on the Ortron.
We’re back to “live” “action” as I’D NEVER SUCK JOY’S TOES, NOT UNLESS SHE WALKED THROUGH SOME BEEF TALLOW OR SOMETHIN’ is out. His opponent is long-time rival I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT BABY FEET. Do I have to watch this? Snitsky acts all apologetic to start, but IT’S A CON and he attacks. Big Show quickly ignores his offense and chops away. Lawler asks JR if they have foot fetishes in Oklahoma. Lawler: “Wherever Snitsky’s from apparently it occurs quite frequently, because Snitsky’s got a foot fetish!” His logic is unassailable. Now Coach and Lawler begin to wonder what JR’s fetishes are. This is still better than the match. Coach wonders about JR and the farm animals. Snitsky takes over very, very briefly on the outside. Now Show “charges” at Snitsky, but eats post. Back in the ring, and Snitsky punches. Snow reverses a whip, but again charges into an empty corner and has his knee kicked at by Snitsky. Coach, on Snitsky: “He may not look smart, but that was smart.” JR: “Well he may not look smart, you’re right, he may not.” Haha. Two big boots by Snitsky down the Big Show. Snitsky covers for 2. Snitsky goes for a suplex (JR: “Oh this is gonna work, Gene”) that Show reverses. The strap comes down. Clotheslines. JR and Coach are still accusing JR of having a foot fetish. Armdrag. JR: “That hiplock is a dangerous maneuver when delivered by a seven-foot, five-hundred pound man.” So is a wet kiss. Lawler, having completely ignored every JR was saying: “JR, would you ever, would you ever kiss a woman’s foot?” JR: “I’ve kissed their asses many times.” And neither of his foes follow up on that. Snitsky…leaves. He gets counted out. Big Show vs Gene Snitsky ends in a count-out. Jesus. JR: “Don’t leave! We were enjoyin’ this!” Speak for yourself, rectum-smoocher. JR: “Next thing you know you guy’sll be talkin’ about toe jam!” Coach: “That’s on next week’s agenda!”
Bischoff and Cena do a backstage bit I don’t care about. Cena gets bad-ass cred by calling Bischoff “Patna.” As in “partner,” but…I dunno. Was that gangsta? I do not recognize him, for I am not real.
Commercials. Slim Jims are for morons.
We meet the hot new tag team of BILLY NUMEROUS and GRIT. See, I do remember stuff from chats sometimes! It’s actually Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Cade: “Soon to be known as the greatest tag team in the world today.” SURELY NOT BETTER THAN HURRICANE/ROSEY OR ANIMAL/HEIDENREICH!!! Trevor: “You say that real pretty. All I know is, somebody…” pause to spit in his beer, “…is gonna squeal like a pig.” He’s a desperately poor man’s Waylon Mercy. Mideon is really excited about these guys, which is why it’s just as well they’re going to be main eventing about a million Heats.
Back to the show, and THESE ARE NOT RAW WHORES THEY ARE SMACKDOWN WHORES OMG are out. It’s Torrie and…oh good, the other mentions “Go Daddy” by name so I know who she is. They were traded to RAW (for some Cheetos) and they are sexay and stuff. Torrie: “Candice and I have lots of surprises up our sleeve that’s gonna make each and every one of you very happy.” Note: neither have sleeves. Or sleeve. They introduce PROBABLY THE ONE WITH THE BACKWARDS BALLCAP AND HAND-SIGNS BUT I’M NOT SURE. They say stuff, Ashley says stuff, and…oh, she is the ballcap/handsign one. I wrote her nickname before she came out in a backwards baseball cap and made hand-signs in the aisle. Her hat betrays possible pirate affiliations. Lawler: “Remember the hot dog eating contest!” Shut up. So yeah, they say stuff, Ashley says stuff, and then the Smackdown girls beat her up in a shocking swerve. Oh, sorry, I mean SHOCKING SWERVE. The beatdown consisted of a kick by Torrie, a slap by…Candice, and Torrie…pushing her over.
If I had gone love, then went home after Carlito’s Cabana, I would have had fun. Though I’m guessing the dark match had Flair beating Carlito’s ass.
Commercials. Oh God, a 3-disk Undertaker set. I don’t even think Mideon recapping that would make it enjoyable.
Next week: Shawn Michaels will take the Masterlock Challenge. Gee, that’s something to look forward to. Here’s a replay of the earlier confrontation…haha, I missed Michaels saying, “I know what you want, let’s do this thing!” And then JR says Masters wanted to “notch his gun.” Lawler: “The only thing that went down was Chris Masters!”
Grisham talks to Jericho. Jericho is mean to Todd. Jericho talks about how he doesn’t lose “money matches like this one” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
HISTORY’S GREATEST MONSTER comes to the ring to make sure that Cena loses his title this time. This time it’s really, really for sure. Absolutely no doubt about it.
Commercials. I’m too bored for your comforts, Crazy John.
JR: “Boy, I don’t have a good feeling about this!” UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS FORCE YOU TO LIVE Y2CHEAP is out first. I’d be more interested in analyzing his superstar value (and hand size) and how it changed over the years if I didn’t know he’ll come back eventually. JR: “I’m goin’ by the Briscoe Brothers and get my front-end aligned.” Sexy. JG CONSIDERED GOING TO RAW TO SEE CENA BUT THEN REMEMBERED THAT HE CANNOT SEE HIM comes out to his hot new rap. Some day, maybe Fred will win the fight, dawg. Then that, cat will stay out for the night, ya’heard? He gazes at the title that means so much to him. Or maybe he’s hypnotized by all the spinning glitter. But seriously, the whole Bret Hart “showing reverence to the title belt before each defense” thing doesn’t work when it’s a SPINNY RETARDO BELT. And the whole “the ref holds up the belt so the crowd knows the title is truly on the line” spot also falls flat when the logo spins back and forth trying to find a point of equilibrium. If you can use that word that way. Which you probably can’t. Coach reminds us that Jericho became the first Undisputed Champion by defeating both The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night, which…well, it’s kind of a nice touch for the guy’s big departure. Jericho slaps Cena, who takes him down. His stupid shirt I didn’t mention comes off. Jericho sent to the ropes for a fancy, goofy hiptoss. Bischoff distracts Cena, whom Jericho rolls up (feet on the ropes) for 2. Jericho chokes ands stomps and shit. Punching. Cena sent to the ropes, and running into a back elbow. Cover for 2. Jericho with a suplex. JR: “John Cena’s never gonna kiss Eric Bischoff’s ass!” Bischoff isn’t a woman. Jericho does more stuff. JR: “I’ve only been fired twice.” Cena whipped to the corner, Jericho charges in behind him, misses, and kinda Stingar Splashed the corner post. Jericho ends up on the floor. Cena goes out, throws Jericho in, and…Bischoff throws one of his deadly forward thrust reverse side whatthefuckever kicks. Cena grabs him, but Bischoff throws a low-blow to escape. Nice how Bischoff can out-grapple Cena. Let’s go to break.
Commercials. We’re not getting any Dynasty Warriors played unless I finish this soon.
We’re back, and Jericho has a Ninja Chokeout applied. During the break, Bischoff SLAPPED CENA OMG. Coach: “Taking out frustration, you could say.” JR: “I could but I’m not, cause that’d be stupid!” Cena escapes whatever with his weird back/side suplex. Drop toe-hold by Jericho. JR bitches about the security guys (who haven’t done anything.) Jericho kicks. Some more. Corner punchalong, but Cena pushes off. Did Jericho stop to go “The one, the two, the three.” Etc? Jericho takes control back with a dropkick. Punches are exchanged. Cena charges into a spinning heel kick for 2. Haha, Jericho trots out the old “choke them with your shin while holding the ref where he can’t see it” spot. Jericho does some other stuff as I type. Jericho puts Cena up top. Superplex attempt…but Jericho goes all the way up and Cena is only on the second rope, so Jericho gets pitched off and does a bellyflop. Cena tries for a top-rope crossbody (!?) but Jericho ducks. JR: “Ground and pound!” Hahahaha, oh, wait, he’s pointing out that that was atypical of Cena and backfired. I apologize, JR. Fatty. Jericho drops an elbow. Bischoff: “FINISH HIM!” There’s a “Let’s go Cena” chant, but I think I can hear a smaller, rival “Let’s go Jer’cho” chant too. Anyway, Cena is up and doing clotheslines and shoulderblocks and shit. Cena charges into a boot. Jericho…wanders into an F-U attempt, but Jericho punches Cena in the chest and makes him let go. Walls…locked in, but Cena is like right by the ropes. Bischoff pulls the ropes away (and appears to be having an orgasm) before Jericho pulls Cena back to the middle of the ring. Cena makes stupid faces and shakes around, Hogan-style, and fights his way to the ropes. Jericho thinks he’s won (oh you idiot,) and charges right into an F-U attempt. Cena almost can’t do it because of the back pain, but then he does it. Hooray. After a million years, Cena covers, but Bischoff puts Cena’s foot on the ropes. Bischoff slips Jericho the powar of the punch. Brass knux. JR: “My God, how can that be condoned!” Rob Conway con-dones it. Jericho goes to lift Cena, but eats the knux to the face. Jericho slowly covers, but Cena kicks out. And again. I guess those knux aren’t as devastating as Cena’s own chain, which Carlito used to beat him. Bischoff is on the apron with the belt (idiot,) and Jericho ends up getting monkey-flipped into it. F-U, 1, 2, 3. Fan sign: “UCANTCME.” Bischoff gets in the ring to yell “YOU’RE FIAHRD” at Jericho. “You had a job to do and you didn’t get it done!” Yes he did. Jericho begs for forgiveness but doesn’t get it. Hampton sings the “nananana” song. The people of the Tidewater Area are racist against the Canadian Race (whose mentality they can’t believe.) Bischoff doesn’t care about Jericho’s “damned kid.” Instead of having Y2J trunks, the kid has 666 trunks. Cena seems to feel sorry for him, but KURT CHEAPGLE attacks Cena out of nowhere. Suplexes and Angle Slams and shit. Gee, here’s a feud we’ve never seen before. Bischoff gets the mic and brags about how Angle will take the title because God forbid two WRESTLERS feud for the title without Bischoff being involved in every sketch, interview and match. Next week: Carlito vs Cena, with special guest referee Kurt Angle. JR: “That dynamic suplex!” Static suplexes don’t work that good.
Final Thoughts: I can’t even bitch about Bischoff booking himself in a starring role despite his boringness because he isn’t even the one booking this. But anyway, this had the best wrestling match in weeks, probably, and I enjoy both Flair and Carlito so I guess this was ok. Though in retrospect I don’t really wish I’d spent a bunch of money and an entire sweaty, thirsty evening seeing it live by myself. But it was probably a better show (judged solely on it’s own merits) than The Hangin’ Out Gang saw.
