BLOG: I forgot to blog, you lucky persons.
The show opens with EXPOS SUCK (HEEEEL) talking a lot. That’s Shawn Michaels, duh. Lawler does a half-assed job of acting angry about last week’s nonsensical superkick. Michaels: “Oh Canada, how I…hate this place, Oh Canada, I’m gonna kick Hulk Hogan right in the face.” As lame as that was, Hickenbottom could just start saying “rubber baby buggy bumpers” over and over and the Montreal crowd would be giving him crazy heat. Rumor has it something out of the ordinary happened between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in this city. Screwing was involved. HAHAHA, there’s this great crowd shot of these two people saying “You screwed Bret” while just kind of standing there looking completely fucking bored. Canadian robots programmed to chant “you screwed Bret.” Now an “asshole” chant with a really Frenchy accent, which is also kind of redeeming this. HBK: “Survivor Series, 1997!” OMG HE ACKNOWLEDGED IT THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Of course, if something even vaguely resembling this happened involving Flair and they made it a running heat segment I’d probably be totally into it. Now Shawn teases Bret invading to kick his ass (“Hitman, I screwed you once and I’ll screw you again,”) and they even play the music, BUT IT’S A CON! Shawn starts prancing around, shrugging his shoulders and mugging for cameras after a suitably long “DIVIDED, IN THREE!?!?” sell of the theme music. I move that DIT replace WTF around here. Michaels gets heat by saying “Canadians” all Frenchy. Canadeeyans. Candied Yams. Now HBK relatively smoothly switches over to talking about Hogan, making me even less interested. “Whatcha gonna do, brother? Whatcha gonna do, brother? Brother? Brother?” And then Hogan’s music plays, but THE CONS JUST KEEP ON COMING. HBK has to lay down because it’s so funny. I like how HBK uses the magic Metal Gear Solid 2 Sons of Liberty nanomachines in his cerebral cortex to control the Titantron and PA systems. HBK: “You don’t like me very much, do ya? I know, I know, I know nothing would thrill you more than to have one of your heroes like Bret “The Hitman” Hart or Hulk Hogan come down that aisle and just give me, uh, just give me what for!” And he gives us a wacky pantomime of someone being given what for. Fisticuffs. He doesn’t seem to be pantomiming any foppish bumbershoots. The crowd chants “nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye,” and he sits down in the middle of the ring and waits it out. HBK: “Now that you understand who’s runnin’ the show, I’ll continue.” Now he talks about how Hart and Hogan are hypocrites because they always represented morality that their true selves lacked. HBK, on Hogan: “There isn’t a realistic bone in your body!” He’s doing just fine, I suppose, but he’s taking his time. The crowd synchs up quite nicely on a “shut the fuck up” chant. ECW-style. It’s funny listening to Spike TV having to bleep every fourth word. Montreal men talk it while HBK woks it. If he keeps stopping to interact with the crowd, we won’t have time for Viscera’s match! He disses Bret one last time and leaves. Bret’s either showing tonight or at Summerslam, I guess. I’m not really the staffer most likely to get excited about that. I used to buy Bret Hart Apathy Bracelets.
Commercials. Crazy John: “We gotta get dese wheels outta here! All dese wheels! Get ‘em outta here! *something unintelligible.* I’M CRAZY!” *stands there smiling at himself because he thinks they’ve cut.*
Our Sexy Emperer of the Week, brought to you by BOD, is last week’s Everlasting Throbstopper.
The three diva search finalists. I don’t know who any of them are.
ROME AND ANTONI THE O BROTHERS are already in the ring, for a handicap match with WEEELL, I LOST TO THE BIG O? Fuck this. Lillian Garcia: “Weighing in at 470 pounds and 7 feet tall!” Mix and match your vital statistics. My hair color is brown and blue eyes. Big Show is growing a stupid beard by still shaving his stupid head and gluing his scalp shavings onto his chin. They used to do shit like this back in the day by having, say, both Beverlies lose to, oh, let’s say the Ultimate Warrior, but in those days they didn’t just have one tag team per brand. Of course, the WWE (as it was always called, don’t listen to Zach) didn’t have brands back then. Clearly the brand split is the problem. We’d have two tag teams if they just fused brands! JR says Big Show wears a “size 18, 6-E boot!” That’s not how you pronounce “sexy,” JR. Show shoves down Antonio, who makes hilarious faces. Romeo is shoved down similarly. Lawler asks Coach if he really hangs out with the HTs, and if they get the ladies. Coach: “I have led them down the right path.” The Path To Adventure. Wait, that’s not a WV reference, never mind. Show does a lot of no-selling. The crowd pops HUGE for his slaps because THEY SUCK. JR calls Show a “freak…in the nicest of ways.” Romeo goes after Show’s knee while Antonio is being lifted for a press-slam. Or maybe it was the other way around. Yeah, it was. They corner him, and kinda hop around on him punching him, but he shoves them off anyway. Big boot for Antonio. Show palms Romeo’s head and pulls him from the floor to the mat. JR: “The HeartThrobs are like ticks on a big dawg!” By gawd. Show eventually double fatvalanches them. Double back body drop. JR: “The Big Show can block out the sun!” And he will. Double chokeslam. Double pin. Double fuck you WWE. Wait a minute, wasn’t Show feuding with Chris Masters? Meh. Man, that fat kid wearing the Hurricane shirt and the glasses sure is nerdy. Um…because of his Hogan bandanna.
Commercials. Geist. An evil force that possesses dogs and goth chicks and makes them…scared. I guess. Available only for GameCube. Sorry, dogs and goth chicks with other systems.
RAIN MAN (w/RAIN GIRL) are out for the Eugene Invitational. I hope the hometown hero is DA MOUNTIE! That would rule. Eugene speaks retarded French. I think he’s talking about Hopkin Green Frog. Eugene: “The hometown hero speaks French better than me! Come on down!” It’s COUNTDOWN TO STICKYFINGERS. It’s Rene Dupree. And no, that doesn’t make sense, not even if you carefully read the Heatbeak I’m talking about. You’re welcome. Coach: “I think Rene Dupree speaks better English than Eugene!” He speaks excellent English for someone who is FROM PARIS FRANCE. He has been for years. I know it was stupid to change his hometown, but it was also official, God damn it. What’s next, the WWE goes to Winnepoga Canatoba North Americoba and Jericho comes out to go for gold? PSHAW. Hey, if Jericho’s former hometown was Winnecola Canatacola North Americola, he’d be a StarTropics character. King: “What is that graphic on the screen? Did Eugene write that himself?” I’m glad somebody else noticed that Eugene’s countdown graphic is magically retarded. Anyway, the match. SQUIRT MAN-GEL immediately attacks, tossing Rene so he can destroy Eugene. BECAUSE GOD FORBID RENE DUPREE LOSE HEAT BY NOT BEING ABLE TO WIN A MATCH UNDER A VERY TRYING TIME LIMIT TO A GUY WHO WAS BOOKED AS A WORLD TITLE CONTENDER AT ONE POINT. Kurt yells at Eugene, and headbutts him while he’s still yelling. Kurt: “I’m gonna make you cry!” Hahaha. Rene is off to the Farplane. Paying his respects at Yuna’s birth house.
JR: “Referee Chad Patten was forced to WRESTLE!” He said it the same way you might say “EAT HIS OWN DOG!” We see footage of last week’s big excuse for Raye, Chad and Grandpa jokes. You people better vote for them. Or there will be trouble.
Commercials. Trouble.
BOBBLE HEAD welcomes us to “part one” of the Diva Search Finale. Crap. Oh, uh, I reread the thread about the Cleveland RAW, and Sofa claimed Coach was bobbing his head with every funky beat of everyone’s musical themes. But yeah, Diva Search. “Wardrobe malfunction” is said. Lawler: “Literally pouring her heart out!” Coach cuts Elizabeth. Wait, it was Elisabeth, wasn’t it? I seem to recall making fun of one not being able to spell her name. Hey, here’s a shock, both final finalists are blonde.
Here’s a montage about Matt, Lita and Edge. We open with a bunch of Matt and Lita making out. Then…we cut straight to Edge. Kane just never existed, apparently. HOLY SHIT, FOOTAGE FROM BYTE THIS! This has GOT to be a RAW first. Matt repeats the line about how Edge destroyed his dream of having children. He could try adopting, but Child Services is sure to go “YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZIES!” What the fuck is this music, anyway? It’s awful.
ERIC’S HIGHLIGHT CABANA is backstage. Eric: “I’ve got a plan!” Carlito: “A plan!?” Bischoff plans to make the crowd support the three of them by pretending to be Canadians. Jericho: “But I, am, Canadian.” Eric: “So it should be no trouble, right?” Carlito is dubbed “Carlito Canadian Cool” and is from “Southern Canada.” He spits in the face, of people, who don’t want to eat tepid back-bacon. Carlito: “Dat’s cool, eh?” Jericho says they will be “ensconced in the flag.” I have to admit, this is a really slick way to trick the smart-ass Canadian smarks into siding with the hateful Cena. I’d also like to point out that after about a month of taking these three completely unrelated characters and just cramming them together and wrapping the whole mess up with duct tape, the writers have finally given them a sketch that I found entertaining.
Commercials. Darkwatch. Brought to you by the Hinodriver ’52.
CARLITO’S BISCHOFF REEL are here, and Bischoff is waving the Canadian flag to boos. Lillian: “Being accompanied by…the manager…of RAW!” She came really close to calling Bischoff Jericho and Carlito’s manager. Some fan in a Carlito shirt is killing himself trying to reach out far enough to touch Carlito. They cut mostly to 13-year-old girls’ reactions when I’M DOIN’ IT FOR SERENITY CAUSE SHE CAN’T SEE ME! comes out. Lawler: “John Cena didn’t have to wave any flags to win these fans over!” Yeah, that Cena would never suck up to a crowd. I am so, so sick of this feud. Jericho acts like he’s gonna start, but then he opts out to Carlito. Lawler: “I gotta admit, that was a smart move by Jericho.” JR: “What was so smart about it!?” Cena dominates with punching. He slams Carlito’s head into the buckles. Kicks. Jericho tries to attack Cena, allowing Carlito to take over. Coach: “John Cena’s like a three-year-old kid, he can’t hold his concentration for more than five seconds.” By the time I’m done transcribing Coach, Cena has taken back over and cleared the ring with boring shit. Cena wants Bischoff. Can’t they even pretend Cena and Jericho have a main-event level issue? Five’ll give ya ten the heels are on offense when we come back from the break.
Commercials. “I’m Dale Earnhardt Junior! Welcome to a new generation of Wrangler!” *crashes into a wall and dies.* Ok, that last part didn’t happen.
Jericho is on offense! PAY ME THE MONEY YOU OWE. I WANT MY FIVE DOLLARS! A replay shows that Bischoff distracted Cena. Coach: “He was just trying to show him some love!” JR: “That’s stupid!” Back to live “action,” and Jericho drops an elbow on Cena. Bunches o’ punches. JR’s getting all snitty. Tag to Carlito, who instantly has way more heel heat than Jericho. Cena blocks a suplex and gets a suplex of his own. Coach: “You can see what happens when you cross the boss, or one of his patriots.” What? Did he say “com” and I missed it? Or perhaps, “con.” Jericho gets tagged in for some chop trading. JR bitches about how Cena isn’t losing one-on-one, so Coach wittily says we’ll see that on Sunday. JR: “You might be right! And if Cena gets beat Sunday at Summerslam, then Boomer Sooner to Jericho!” Lawler: “What?” Jericho goes to the eyes. He does stuff. Carlito is tagged in. Coach and Lawler wonder if Cena or Hogan will make the Teen Choice Awards. Which is hosted by Kurstin Dunst and Rob Schneider. Man…is there any way we can…blow up that event? I don’t want to espouse terrorism, but…someone blow up that event. Carlito with a Modified Ego Trip. Bunches o’ punches, a cover for 2. Fans: “2!” Another cover for 2. Crowd: “2!” And…he goes to the Modified Ninja Chokeout. He is way too big on Modified Ninja Chokeouts. Cena fights out, but runs into a spinebuster by Carlito. Tag to Jericho for a missile dropkick. Bischoff starts waving the Canadian flag around. Coach starts in on how Canadian the heels are as Jericho does some rope-choking. Coach: “You think John Cena could sign ‘Right Now’ right now?” Hahaha. Coach says he’s from Canada. JR: “You’re from Kansas!” Coach: “By way of Montreal! Or was it Toronto?” Lawler, giggling like a schoolgirl: “Coach is Canadian too!” Coach: “Or maybe Vancouver!” He must be Canadian, he can name three of their cities! Oh God, I wish I could ignore this match and just rebeak how pissed off JR is getting and how much Coach and Lawler are just laughing at him. Bischoff gets in a slap on Cena. Jericho is tagged in, and has to go to the eyes to stop a Cena comeback. Tag back to Carlito. Full-Blooded Canadians. Carlito with his DDT. JR: “DDT! Made famous by Jake ‘The Drake’ Roberts!” HAHAHA! He really did say “Jake ‘The Drake.’” Remember when he fought Batman in an aviary? The DDT got a long 2. I’d suggest the DDT was always good for 2 and the spinebuster is his true finisher if he hadn’t gotten 2 off a spinebuster earlier. TNM would then announce that this was made very clear to him. And type “someone set up us the bomb” instead of “somebody set up us the bomb” in talking about Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei. What’s next, I ask you? HIS name is hopkins green frog? Hahaha, now Carlito is wiping sweat off his posterior and thighs with the Canadian flag. Meanwhile, the punchy-punchy goes back and forth. Jericho gets the enzoogweeree and tries for the Walls, but Cena kicks him off into Carlito. JR and Lawler claim that counts as a tag, and Carlito is legal. Jericho and Cena punch some more. Cena does his own stupid rip-off of the spinny-Dusty Punch combination. Carlito runs in, but gets clotheslined and sideslammed. YCSM. Jericho tries to break up the FKS with a clothesline, but Cena ducks and sets up the F-U on Jericho. Carlito saves, sending Jericho to the apron. Carlito is whipped into the corner, he tries to float out, and Cena gets underneath him to catch him in F-U position (which is kind of neat.) Sadly, the camera just catches Jericho standing on the apron, wholly able to prevent the F-U, but stupidly dropping off the apron to the floor so Cena can get the F-U for 3 on Carlito. Now Jericho comes back in and waffles Cena with a chair. JR: “What a cheap-ass chairshot!” Oh yuck, creamy loogie by Jericho.
Commercials. Crazy announcer, over a shot of Batista: “A taste for carnage!” Tazz, over a shot of Batista: “This guy looks like he’s about to explode!” Hmm…self-destructing carrion eaters? I think you fight them in the Diablo 2 Expansion Pack.
Lawler talks up the new WWE GameCube name. The most prominently featured person on the cover is Stacey. I don’t even recognize the others for sure.
Diva Search Final. The two blondes just stand there waiting for…something. I guess they’re gonna show us the voting. No, they just show a picture of whichever blonde won on the Titantron. Haha, it doesn’t even show her name. Well, that was reasonably painless. Though I’m pretty sure the one who won is the one who was wearing a baseball cap backwards and making hand-signs in the previews. You know, the one I specifically didn’t want to win?
Commercials. I could still get tickets to next week’s RAW from Hampton. You know, if I had any desire to do that.
ANGRY BY CHOICE is what the back of Kurt’s “AMERICAN BY BIRTH” shirt says. Lame. JR: “Kurt Angle, who was literally demonic earlier tonight!” Oh God, give me the strength.
OUR FEUD WITH MATT IS LIKE A REAL LIFE WAR OF THE ROSES are out. Lawler: “Speaking of demonic! There’s Mr. and Mrs. Demonic right there!” SHUT UP. Lawler says that Canada is “bizarro world” because they’re “cheering adulterers.” ARGH! Look, did the Kane stuff happen or not? MAKE UP YOUR TINY MINDS. Lawler pronounces “Canada” wrong. JR calls Edge Lita’s “man of the moment,” so Coach quickly silences him with jokes about JR’s erectile dysfunction. DR. ANGUS TOTALLY SNUBBED US, ARTEMIS (w/IT’S PROBABLY A GOOD THING IF HE DOESN’T FIND YOU PLEEEEAZUREABLE, MINA) continues to somehow ruin both RAW and Heat. I predict he loses to Edge here because he’s worn out from destroying Mideon’s dream of winning a WWE T-shirt. I’d wager he planned on getting a Carlito T-shirt to send to The Boss. He’s thoughtful, that one. Coach is the only one sticking up for Edge and Lita. Coach: “Their love is pure, it’s innocent, and dare I say, it’s beautiful.” Heh. JR: “You’re not an expert in love, from what I hear.” Rawr. Val stares off into space (he’s not even distracted by Lita, he just stares off into space) so Edge rushes him and downs him in the corner. Boot-choking, and Lita is getting in Val’s face mocking him and yelling for whatever reason. It’s the bitter, unresolved arm-crossing/harrumphing feud between Minako and Makoto that tended to resurface whenever they were forced to split one character-builder episode. I’ve always kinda wanted to see the Jap version of their Super S snit-fit episode, because Mina is wearing what is probably the stupidest outfit I’ve ever seen anyone wear on any anime. Holy shit, my spellchecker is actually cool with “harrumphing!” And yet it tried to autocorrect “bizzaro.” Val catches Edge with a clothesline out of the corner. Chops. Val with a couple of knees. Side-Venusian legsweep, and he stands over Edge playing to the crowd and Grinding. Don’t kid yourself, Val. Both men outside, and Val is chopping away. Edge reverses a whip, sending Val back-first into the apron. Guess how he sells it! Go on, guess! Back in the ring, and Edge keeps whipping Val into the buckles so Val can arch his back all stupidly. Edge with a back body drop, which Val sells with back-arching. Edge does some submission hold. The fans are…chanting in French, I think. Lawler thinks they’re chanting for Matt. Coach: “Is that like a French version of ‘Matt Hardy?’ Cause I can’t understand it.” JR: “So you’re not from Canada any more?” Coach: “No no, I’m from Western Canada, like Chris Jericho.” JR: “Right outside of Topeka.” JR doesn’t think Edge will be smug next week. Coach: “Oh yes he will. It’s gonna be a week-long slugness.” Slugness? Edge works over the back in boring fashion. Edge with a suplex. Val…arches the back. Sexy. He’ll make you feel young anytime ohohohoho! That was for Supes’ benefit only, pretty much. Val eventually fights back with clotheslines as Lawler refuses to translate a French chant he legitimately seems to understand. Val tries for whatever he calls that move Cena also does, but his back eats a boat and Edge turns it into an Edge-o-matic. Edge looks for the spear…but gets kneed! Val hits the ropes (idiot) and gets speared anyway. Edge gets the Edgucalifragilisticedgepealidocious locked in for the submission. Coach: “Imagine what Lita is gonna reward Edge with after he takes off Matt Hardy’s head at Summerslam?” JR: “I wonder what’s left?” Wow. I kinda think JR has been wanting to hate on Edge this much for a while now.
STUPOR STACEY HAHAHAHA is using a mirror backstage when DECIDUOUS FORESTS ARE NICE, BUT NOT AS NICE AS CON-IFEROUS FORESTS butts in front of her. Stacey: “Excuse me!” Conway: “Actually, there is no excuse for you!” Just hand this man the belt RIGHT NOW. Conway apologizes, but he’s not really looking to settle down right now. Stacey doesn’t want to date him, because she “already has a man.” Conway: “You’re not talking about that green-haired freak, are ya?” Telulu? Lum? Oh, I AM A “STACEY” KIEBLE’BS ELF! Hurricane: “Chicks dig super heroes, not super ZEROES.” *Burn.* Conway says some punchline, but JR talks over it. So, Hurricane and Stacey are dating? Since when?
Commercials. I’ve never even seen that show Lum is on.
The WWE Rewind is brought to us by “Wrangler, makers of Wrangler Jeans Company.” Seriously. It’s Hogan saving Eugene from Angle last week. Which segues smoothly into…
JUST LOOK AT ME vs I’D RATHER LOOK AT STACEY (w/QUIT LOOKING AT ME, NERD.) Coach: “If you looked like that, you’d look at yourself too.” JR: “What about you?” Coach: “I, I, I…” JR: “I, I, I, I WHAT!? Say again? I, I, I, I WHAT!?” Hahahaha. JR is enraged tonight! Lawler mentions RAW being in Hampton next week. Coach calls it the “Tidewood area.” Ross: “I think that’s Tidewater. Not Tidewood, Tidewater, but you’re close.” So condescending. Conway clubbers away to start. “Boring” chant already. These Quebecois are just pissed because THEY WERE ALL CONNED! HE FOOLED YOU ALL! Hahahaha! YOU FOOLS! Conway with some modified Ninja Chokeout, but Hurricane fights out. Conway sends him to the ropes, but Hurricane cradles him for 2. Conway up, clotheslining him down. Paintbrush. JR: “He’s obviously strong and attitudal.” Hurricane sent to the corner. Kicked out of the ring. Coach: “If there is such a thing as being pretty, as a man, I’d think Conway would be in that category.” Lawler: “I was wondering if there’s such a thing as being ‘attitudal.’” Conway slams Hurricane against the railing. Back into the ring. Modified Ego Trip (running, swinging version) for 2. A few times. The fans chant “2” each time. Conway with that goofy neck-lock thing he’s been using. It needs a name. The Con-Ference Call or the Con-Stitutional Con-Vention or something. We’ll work on that. Hurricane fights back and I’m bored. Coach: “Can you imagine JR wearing mesh tights?” EEGSH. Lawler does the “body of a god…Buddha” joke. JR: “Don’t forget to tip your waiters and bartenders ladies and gentlemen.” Hahaha. Conway charges into an armdrag. Dropkick by the Hurricane. Back body drop by Hurricane. Clothesline. Hurricane signaling for the Shining Wizzard, ducked by Conway…Modified Ego Trip! JR: “Ego Trip!” Coach: “Say it again!” JR: “Why?” Coach: “I like the way it sounds.” It wasn’t even the Ego Trip, as I understand it. Conway goes up top and hits a flying elbow for 3. Everyone in the world tells us he didn’t do it his way, but in fact did it the Con Way.
Commercials. So, if he doesn’t need to do the “feet on the top rope” thing anymore and any old neckbreaker is an Ego Trip, what the Hell can we call a Modified Ego Trip?
Coach informs us that “Seethur’s Remedy” is “one of the official theme song” of Summerslam. Another of official theme song are being “Seethur’s Soft.” And don’t forget “Seethur’s Potion.” Don’t waste it, either. Now we run down the Summerslam card. WHAT THE…Benoit vs OJ for the US Title again? How can they possibly top their last match? Also, Hogan vs HBK. Coach: “A match-up you dream about for a lifetime!” Maybe if you’re like a mosquito who is really into wrestling.
I CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE TO BE ANGRY is out for the main event. It’s late, I’m tired, I can’t even get on the forum to tell everyone how to vote in the Angus Invitational, so I’m going to bed. ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS, BROTHER came out and dominated early and then Angle was on offense for awhile and they did the fucking “his arm drops twice but not three times” spot FOR A FUCKING HEADLOCK and then Hulk Hulked-up and got the Big Boot and the Leg Drop and Angle showed no signs of kicking out or anything when I’M A STRAIGHT-SHOOTER, WELL, A SHOOTER ANYWAY attacked Hogan and put him in the Sharpshooter to get everyone all excited about the Bret Hart appearance that the Net now doesn’t think will happen but doesn’t really interest me either way. Lawler, on the Sharpshooter: “The ultimate insult to injury!”
Final Thoughts: I SAY YOU I TIRED.
