This wasn’t a good RAW and I’m right in the middle of Pang Tong’s musou mode and he’s a fun character I could be playing as RIGHT NOW so don’t expect much from me this week.
DYNASTY WARRIORS: I’ve kinda decided Pang Tong is Grandpa. It’s not really fair, since Pang Tong is a cool enough character on his own (I really love: “Hey, I’ve defeated an officer!”) but his weird, monkeylike stature is very Grandpaesque. I don’t know who Raye is, though. She looks and acts nothing like Zhu Rong (they’re both bitchy, but in subtly different ways,) but Zhu Rong is a crazy pyromaniac who claims to be descended from goofy pagan gods, so that works. And I don’t know who Chad is. Chad is retarded, but he’s not Xu Zhu retarded.
ONE PIECE(!?!?): I didn’t see any Sailor Moon this week (I tend to think about Raye, Chad and Grandpa on the afternoon before I have another beak to write) so I guess One Piece was the anime I’ll waste your time with this week. I generally only dig the goofy kiddy ones that “real” fans don’t like. So yeah, if you watch enough kinda kiddy animes dubbed into English (the ones with screaming online fans who claim shows about playing cards with monsters is all serious and mature in the original Japanese) you tend to notice situations where dialogue was obviously added. Like, scenes where people are talking really, really fast over shots in which the various speakers are not on screen. Such a scene takes place when Nami (the L-A-D-Y) stabs Usop (who’s doin’ that marksman thing) with his “rubber knife.” Now, the way the scene is arranged, she’s pretending to stab him to fool a group of villains who are watching. She doesn’t really stab him, I guess. But they throw in this stuff about a “rubber knife” because I guess pretending to stab someone with a real knife is TOO HOTT FOR TV. The irony here is that later that night, I watched Lil’ Slugger beating down housewives on Paranoia Agent. Well, actually, he roared in frustration as a housewife refused to back herself into an emotional corner while he was right there ready to slug. But, you know, SPOPPZORZ for Sofa, in case he watches on Thursday. I don’t think Akiko likes him watching those filthy foreign cartoons.
Hey, why isn’t my Rewinged Stab Bat named “Lil’ Slugger?”
LAST WEEK: Chris Jericho and Eric Bischoff beat John Cena down to build up interest in Summerslam’s Cena vs Jericho/Bischoff handicap match.
Credits. Highlights include the Widow’s Peak, and Cena spitting apple on Maria.
Our main event: Hogan’s Face vs HBK’s Face.
ANYBODY WHO GETS NEAR LORD CAO CAO IS GONNA DIE (w/XIAO QIAO) are here. I’ve changed my mind about Christy, Xiao Qiao is obviously a better fit than Diao Chan because Xiao Qiao is A) a redhead and B) incredibly annoying. You can tell it’s all the dialogue editors can do to not make her call shit “kawaii.” It’s not like any readership knows what the fuck I’m talking about anyway. The Pittsburgh crowd is already not that into Eugene. He’s wearing a Hulkamania shirt. Or, as JR puts it, “A HULKAMANIA SHIRT!” Eugene: “Hulk Hogan is here! He, he, he is my, Hulk is my friend! He is my hero! He, he’s saying prayers, and he, he ate his vitamin, and he had, twenty-four inch python! RARGH!” Hahaha. That’s pretty typical of Hogan fans. Dude, it’s 2005, it’s the WWE, and the business is still cashing in on the genius that was evaD Sullivan. Christy starts a cheer that consists of the letters of Eugene’s name, but luckily, I ONCE PUT A JACKET ON RIGHT-SIDE OUT WITH A BROKEN FRICKIN’ NECK invades before she messes up. He’s wearing a shockingly non-heelish “American by Birth” T-shirt. Wait, there’s something on the back I can’t see. It’s probably OMG HEEL. “ANGLE” chant. Christy looks nervous, probably because the crowd is totally not going by the script. Eugene makes awesome retarded faces while Kurt yells at him. Fan sign: “B-RAD.” Eugene: “I got an Olympic gold medal! I’m Olympic gold medalist!” The fans boo lustily. Hahaha. Fan chant: “EUGENE SUCKS.” They mark out when Kurt calls Eugene an idiot. Kurt: “I wrestled twenty years to win that gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck; you think it’s a toy!” Man, his neck really should have healed in less than twenty years. He goes to the same doctor as “Iron” Mike Sharpe, AHAHAHAHAHA shut up. Stupid kids. Fine, “Cowboy” Bob Orton Senior. Same joke, just less good because now YOU get it. Kurt makes a half-assed attempt to turn the crowd against him by calling them “blue collar idiots.” Then he promises to break Eugene’s “damn ankle.” Eugene: “You said a bad word! You said D-word! You said…” and WHAM Kurt attacks. Coach: “Thank you.” Kurt rips off the Hulkamania shirt, and European uppercuts Eugene in the corner. The ref gets in his face, so Kurt shoves him away, then regains his composure. Kurt with a backbreaker for 2. We’re down to 2 minutes already. Eugene works him into the corner, then wails on the ref’s head. The ref didn’t see who did it, so Eugene points at Kurt. Um…weird. Now Eugene picks the leg, and rides Kurt like a horsey. Spankings. Shades of Rico. Kurt punches Eugene down. JR: “Eugene, Coach, is just being Eugene.” Coach: “And that’s the problem.” Back suplex by Angle, and a cover for 2. JR: “A cover, suplex, A COVER!” Kurt bashes Eugene’s head into the turnbuckles, but Eugene Tards Up. Kurt ducks a big right hand, and gets a release German. The straps come down with forty seconds to go. Angle tries for the Angle Slam, Eugene escapes, Kurt tries to clothesline him, but he hits the ref for the Dairy Queen with twenty two seconds left. Geez, it’s a match with a three minute time limit, and it still can’t end without some DQ bullshit? Kurt attempts a beatdown, but I ATE MY VITAMIN makes the save. Hogan and Eugene both do the “kiss my ass” pantomime. Then they pose together. OMG SUPERKICK HIM EUGENE THAT WOULD FUCKING ROCK. But no.
Commercials. Ultimate Fighter 2. Eet’s so reeeeal! Real puking is featured in this real advertisement.
The Douche Douchelow I Hate Rob Schneider of the Week is Chris Masters disrespecting the size of Shelton’s penis with Masterlock out-choking. He choked out Shelton, not Shelton’s penis. I mean, that would be wrong.
LOVE THAT CHICKEN FROM POPEYES is going to fucking lose to I PREFER CHICKEN SAUTÉED WITH KC MASTERPIECE SAUCE, isn’t he? Being anal about these things, I did a little research. Popeyes, ie, the restaurant chain, does not have an apostrophe. However, not even the FAQ on the KC Masterpiece homepage reveals what the Hell KC stands for. I only know of it because Crow seemed to think it would make a big chunk of Gaos’ foot delicious. This week, Coach cleverly asks JR a question just as Masters’ music is about to start so he and King can yell at JR when he tries to answer during the intro. JR, after the intro: “You guys want a cigarette now, or what?” I’ve been waiting for weeks for him to call them on how gay their reaction to that is. Circling to start. Lock-up, and Masters overpowers to start. Headlock by Masters, Shelton reverses. Shelton sent to the ropes, he catches Masters’ kick, and…Masters kinda stares at him, hopping, until Shelton does a Dragonscrew legwhip. What did you think he was going to do, Shelton, an enzoogweeree? Shelton now goes for the “Give Me The Last Call, Bradshaw” crossbody, but Masters elects to do a falling-forward (read: lazy) powerslam instead. Shitty elbowdrops by Masters. Stomping. Scoopslam (it’s over!) followed by stomping. Bearhug by Masters (Lawler fails to note how similar it is to the Masterlock) but Shelton eventually fights out. Shelton hits the ropes, but Masters sideslams him. Masters signals for the Masterlock. Shelton manages to ruthlessly roll him up for 2. Masters…to a sleeperhold? Are you fucking kidding me? Shelton jawbreakers his way out. They trade blows, and Shelton takes over. Masters tries to reverse a whip (lest Shelton get to control any stretch of the match at all,) but Shelton fucking dropkicks him in the knee. Running kneelift by Benjamin. JR: “That’s a Mr. Wrestling II, Million Dollar Running Kneelift!” Wait, Ted Dibiase was Mr. Wrestling II? Stingar Splash. JR says it was “applied” by Benjamin. He will choke you out with the Stinger Splash. Shelton goes up, and gets a top-rope clothesline. Masters’ gets a boot on the bottom rope. Masters tries to Masterlock, but Shelton elbows out and gets a sleeper. Masters counters with…an awful low-blow that didn’t seem like it worked at all. It may have been Benjamin’s fault, as he was nowhere near centered behind Masters. Masters applies his dreaded full-nelson, driving the air from Shelton’s lungs for the win. Coach: “I think Shelton Benjamin just may have pulled a groin, he was tryin’ so hard!” The ref drops Shelton’s arm only once, not thrice, pissing off…uh…whoever was mad about that.
TARD GRISHAM HAHAHA interviews BROKEN NECKS AND CASHIN’ CHECKS, who announces that he has a no time limit match with Eugene at Summerslam. He plans to end Eugene’s career. Angle: “I’m likin’ it. I’m likin’ it.” Dah dah dah dah dah. Then he winks at Todd. Precious.
Commercials. Steve O and whatever those shoes are make Chicken Fries taste so good you don’t dehydrate in Australia. I think. I wasn’t really watching that closely.
FAKE LILLIAN GARCIA interviews YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT LILLIAN GARCIA? IT WAS ALL A CON? Conway basically just tells us what we knew from his theme, adding that he’s “98% fat free,” but “still filling.” This is “disgusting.” He won’t do things “the freaky way” or “the wrong way,” but will instead use “the Con Way.” Now THE WORLD’S LARGEST FATASS MACHINE rolls in, eating Ruffles. He makes light of Conway’s “leather boots,” “see-through panties” and “Wu Fanchu” moustache. He should show more respect to Fu Manchu, another very tall man who wandered around during daylight hours in his silk pajamas. I…guess “Wu Fanchu” is the right way to spell what he just said. If there is a right way to spell that. Or a wrong way to spell that. Or, a Con Way to spell that. Viscera sings “YMCA.” Yeah, that’s right Viscera, go ahead and mock the physical appearance of any other human being, whydonchya. Viscera threatens Conway with “Visagra.” Ugh.
Now it’s time to listen to ADAM COPELAND OH SO REEEEEAL with THE DRAMA IS AS REAL AS MY BREASTS. Luckily, Lita doesn’t say anything. She’s basically a prop at this point. Eddie Guerrero should try hitting Rey Misterio with her. Edge says he asked Vince to bring Matt Hardy back so he could beat the shit out of Matt without getting arrested. Man, I hate it when they bring in the idea of criminal assault, because it just throws up in your face how completely unrealistic it is that guys who are athletes and not entertainment performers would be allowed to throw each other into pyro-rigged dumpsters. Edge assures us that he is passionate, intense, and that “this is real.” He gets all shaky. And he points out that the only reason anyone cares about Matt now is because of this “real life” feud with Edge. “You see, while you were defending the cruiserweight championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fightin’ Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, SHAWN MICHAELS!” *Burn.* I wish they wouldn’t diss the cruiserweight title like that. Oh well. He and Lita make out. Thanks for showing up, Lita!
Viscera walks around. Lawler: “I wouldn’t wanna be in Conway’s leather boots and see-through panties!” Liar. I wish he’d skipped the boots, though.
Commercials. I wish Four Brothers was about Ric, Arn, Tully and Ole trying to find out who killed JJ Dillon. But it isn’t.
Tonight, Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel with special guest Eric Bischoff OMG CALL THE NEIGHBORS PUT THE KIDS TO BED YOU DON’T WANNA MISS THIS! I mean, seriously, why promote that as something to stay tuned for? Aren’t ratings ultimately gonna be better if you let people hope they won’t get like the fourth straight lengthy heel promo from those two?
THOSE WEI GUYS ARE PRETTY CRAFTY…MAYBE I SHOULD CON SHU is out. JR finds the lyrics to his theme music “interesting.” EVEN WORSE THAN SIR MO waddles out next. It baffles me that Gangrel and Viscera were both brought back for some one-shot battle with the Undertaker, and Viscera got a job out of it. Why not Gangrel? I heard he went to Titan Tower (or whatever it’s called now) to negotiate a contract. He tried to take the Hellevator to the top floor but HELLUVANELEVATOR APPARENTLY GOES NOWHERE! Ok, here’s a graphic for an upcoming SummerSlam press conference featuring everyone in the world. Viscera backs Conway into the corner, but Conway escapes a shot and fires away. Viscera ignores him and does ham hands. JR: “The Barry White of the WWE.” No, The Undertaker is the Barry White of the WWE. He’s also the Peter Jennings of the WWE and, ironically, The Big Bossman of the WWE. Conway sent to the ropes, Papa Shango by Viscera, and Conway kicks him. Conway hits the ropes and runs right into, HAHAHA, a Bossman Slam! Unfunny dancing by Viscera. Viscera misses a charge into the corner. Conway kicks him in the knee, and Viscera is selling the pain like he just learned that some Cleveland highway Burger King only has chicken and fish. Conway works over the knee. Not the compelling way. Not the interesting way. The Con Way. Viscera gets up and gets a Samoan Drop. Visagra. Lawler: “I think you’d look good under there Coach!” Coach: “I’ve been under there!” Wait, has he? Maybe that week Coach came out to break up the sexings with Lillian. I rebeaked it, and I don’t even know. For some reason, Lawler (the guy who named the Visagra) now can’t get the name right and calls it “The Walrus” while referring to that missed splash from before as “Visagra.” Conway elbows out of the Visagra and goes up top. He’s perched up top. Viscera is on his knees. They make eye-contact. They maintain it for what feels like a few minutes before Conway goes for THE STUPID, hopping into…Viscera’s…extended arm. Viscera struggles to his feet and tries some kinda slam, but Conway pushes off of the ropes (commentators claim Viscera’s leg buckled) and lands on top for…wow, a completely clean win. Lawler: “It’s not your way, it’s not Viscera’s way or JR’s way, it’s the Con Way!” Congratulations, Coach! You found Conway a slogan so retarded, Lawler has started parroting it! Sadly, this will make a huge difference as far as getting Conway over with normal fans and getting the rest of the IWC to stop going “UNH DESE GUYS WERE ON HEAT ONCE DEY SUCK UNGHUNGH” while simultaneously bitching about how boring all the established guys are. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Not Ready For Prime Time Player or a Ready For Prime Time Player, we still hate you.
Ok, at this point I stopped for the night on account of smarkiness. I wish when Pang Tong finishes his musou mode at Bai Di Castle by defeating Sun Quan, he’d go, “Hey, I defeated an emporer!”
I also decided on a whim to check in with Scott Keith at Insidepulse. Basically, I was curious as to what the most generic voice of IWC smartassness had to say about the Great American Bash, since me and my homeys watched it and even considered rebeaking it’s awfulness. Scott Keith pulled out his old “hot metal pokers up the ass” rating system. Hohoho! That’s pretty funny! In bed. But anyway, he basically said the show was bad but not in an interesting way, which was dead right. But while I was there, I went ahead and read his RAW thingie, and it had two fatal flaws. He claimed the beloved theme music of The Con Man sounded like a specific song from Family Guy, which means Mideon will kill him if they ever meet. Though, the goofy singing style does sound like that song Keith’s talking about. Number two, he complained that the WWE just refuses to give up on The Heartthrobs. Geez, they’ve been around quietly in the background for, what, three months? They’re no MNM, but still. Hell, trade Antonio for Nitro and send the Fixer to the Heartthrobs, and you’d have made one perfect team and one awful team. With a midget.
Commercials. You want a “kingdom” under chicken fries? You want fast food chicken to rule you by claiming to have a mandate from God? Ok. Fine. But unless you pick one chicken fry to be the king and just have the rest of the chicken fries be his noble court, you don’t have a kingdom. So decide which chicken fry is above all other, or start singing “one oligarchy under chicken fries” or something.
Our BOD Man BOD of the BOD is Victoria attacking Stacey “for no reason!” She had plenty of reason, Todd. She did it for all of us. Then Hurricane and Rosey win anyway. They’re a TAG TEAM DYNASTY. And…odd, I don’t have a Dynasty Warriors joke.
WHOOSH! WHOOSH! I’M THE WIND, MASA! and PLOP! PLOP! I’M S.H.I.T., MUNE! are accompanied to the ring by WHATEVER THE FUCK MASA AND MUNE’S SISTER WAS CALLED. Sofa might know. Oh, wait, she’s part of the team, as it’s a six man tag. And…heh, she gets first billing. Their opponents are I CAN’T BELIEVE THE WWE HASN’T GIVEN UP ON THEM YET and AND VICTORIA SHOULD HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO GLUE BY NOW. Now, in all fairness, nobody suggested that Victoria should be turned into glue for having been around more than a few months. But I hoid from Joey Numbaz that that was going to be Molly Holly’s next gimmick before she left. Victoria and the Heartthrobs do this weird…routine where she stops their dancing and commands them to march on the ring. It isn’t nearly as cool as the last time they teamed up, where Da Throbs tried to sex her and she just kept shoving them away irritably. Stacey shoves Victoria. “Stacey” chant. Fucktards. Antonio and Hurricane start. Hurricane does a fireman’s carry and a clothesline for 1. Hurricane backed into the evil corner. He tries to block the tag, so Victoria pulls his hair, and then Antonio whips him into a clothesline from Romeo, who was still on the apron. JR bitches about the “illegal advantage.” Whatever. Antonio smashes Hurricane with a fancy stomp, then sends him into the corner and tags Romeo. Double Russian Legsweep for 2. Elbowdrop for Romeo. The fans are chanting, probably at Stacey. Ninja Chokeout, Hurricane fights out, Da Throbs doubleteam him and try a double dropkick, but Hurricane avoids it and tags in Rosey. He slams everyone while JR talks about how “the pace will change” with Rosey in. Shockingly, the pace has quickened. Antonio sent to the ropes, Rosey Papa Shangos, and Antonio…goes for a sunset flip. Rosey, of course, sits on him. JR: “Oh, that’s gotta be edifying.” Um…enlightening in a way that encourages intellectual or moral improvement? More stuff happens, Stacey distracts Da Throbs with ass-jiggling, and Hurricane and Rosey toss the Heartthrobs in an extremely clumsy fashion. Victoria sneaks around on the outside, scoops Stacey up, and rams her into the barricade. Victoria gets back on the apron, and Rosey Ho-Train Attacks her off the apron to the floor! What a hero! He turns into the Modified Shine Aqua Illusion by the Heartthrobs, who get the win. The champs never win unless the belts are on the line, pretty much. Oh wait, that Modified Shine Aqua Illusion does have a name. I had to go back OVER A MONTH through Heatbeaks to see it being used (not for the win, either,) but I thought I remembered an “Everlasting Throbstopper.” The Heartthrobs ignore the devastated Victoria. I know someone who’s wishing those fans hadn’t recognized Stevie Richards in drag!
What was with killing that angle anyway? The fans figured out that Dominic was Eddie’s son, and that angle didn’t die. Come to think of it, as upset as Rey is that Eddie is the father of Rey’s son, it has to really be killing Chad.
Sorry.
Commercials. Rob Schneider may be the human I hate most on this Earth now. He’s gonna be on Casino Cinema, watching “Point Break.” Rob: “You guys were able to get Point Break? That musta cost like a quarter!” DUHRHURHUR yeah it sure is funny when people make incredibly shitty moves DEUCE MOTHERFUCKING BIGELOW. And then Stereotypical Italian Guy simply says “Point Break” because he has no idea how to respond to this scrawny dipshit basically saying “don’t waste time watching this show.” Rob Schneider is taking money out of the hands of Mrs. Stereotypically Italian Guy. To make matters worse, I just spent like fifteen minutes seeking out the Smackdown (03/11/04) where Paul Heyman first referenced Mrs. Sakoda, and I barely even said anything about it at the time. Though as it happens that was the Smackdown where the Chavos irked Cole into “laying out.”
I MAY NEED TO TAKE A FEW WEEKS TO CONCENTRATE ON MAKING MY BAND AS SHITTY AS POSSIBLE is ready for the most exciting Highlight Reel evar. He calls down THE MEAN CARNIVAL HAWKER WHO IS MEAN TO CHILDREN. What, you may ask? I caught that Fact or Fiction show with an embarrassed Jonathan Frakes on before work today. I’d already written up the Conway match, thank God, because Riker opens the story by declaring that, “the con man learned he couldn’t con…THE GRIM REAPER!” The actual story was about a fat, unpleasant carnival owner who cheats children at the ring toss game. Ultimately, he is somehow murdered by an awful and incredibly unscary mannequin in his haunted house ride. The narration helpfully tells us he was a convicted murderer, because in the actual story he’s just kind of a dick and never really does anything to justify being willfully murdered by his own props. But yeah, Eric Bischoff has basically reached the “guy who cheats children at ring toss” level of lame-ass villainy in my eyes. Fan sign: “FREE WILL.” Huh? So, Bischoff hopes we all enjoy the debut of Cena’s new music video tonight (groan) because after Slumberslam, “the only thing John Cena is gonna have in his life is his ‘so-called music career.’” They’re gonna kill his family and steal all his shit, dude. Even the magic mushroom boxers. Jericho calls us over to the “obesely expensive” (heh) Jeritron Whatever. We see shots of Jericho beating up Cena over that “To Kill A Stranger” song. Which SUCKS, by the way. You see, it’s not just that I don’t like rap. Jericho’s song also sucks. Jericho: “Young M. Cena!” Bischoff: “You sure as Hell know how to keep a beat!” Tomko could learn a thing or two. Bischoff now calls out the man most responsible for Cena still being the champion…YUICHIROU…SAN. Bischoff: “Give the man some music!” Chad Patten walks to the ring, to the RAW theme. I’d have gone with the closing credits music from Sailor Moon R. Bischoff slaps him a few times, and makes him apologize. Paintbrushes. Ohhh, I hope you have plenty of burn cream handy, Bischoff. Bischoff books Chad Patten vs Chris Jericho, and it’s NEXT! JR: “Is this gonna happen next?” Of course not.
Commercials. I was thrilled to make Chad/Raye jokes when Collyer was on Velocity, and yet, I have no joy for this. Maybe I just ate too much chili.
Yeah, so, RAW really is coming to my area in just a few weeks. A little soon for another WVcon, especially when the advertised main event is Cena/Show vs Angle/HBK. Angle and HBK as a tag team!? With all their history? (What do you mean? They were both heels last week.) My mistake, CRZ’s inner-voice/self-doubt/whatever.
The fans are chanting something. Jericho slaps at him, so Chad just kinda bends over and charges! HAHAHA! I’M NOT LOONY, I’M LIVID! That may or may not be the line from when he charges Amara and ends up doing a header in the mud. Come on Chad, use the Disco Face-Stab! DO IT FOR REI-CHAN! Of course, it goes nowhere and Jericho just takes him down and kicks the shit out of him. Jericho rips away at the ref’s shirt. Just let him keep his hakama! Jericho chokes him with the shirt. The fans boo LOUDLY…oh, because I SPIT IN THE FACE, OF PEOPLE, WHO CAN’T STAND UP TO PUSHY SHRINE MAIDENS just walked out for no real reason. JR: “This is uncomfortable!” Chad gets tossed, and Carlito gets in a few licks. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Kumada? Carlito sends Chad back in. Jericho busts his pine. Walls of Jericho. Chad taps immediately. Psh. Come on, you jumped in front of Katsy’s evil omg Negaverse Ice/Fire attack, but you can’t handle a fancy Boston Crab? Now Bischoff delays calling for the bell HEEL. Now he paintbrushes Chad, which is, of course, fake. Coach: “What a hard-fought victory over Chris Jericho.” What? Finally, after a billion years, I FIGHT FOR WHAT’S WHITE (w/RAYE and GRANDPA) make the save. Carlito ends up eating the F-U, the Mars Flame Sniper, and whatever Grandpa’s finisher is. The Hinodriver ‘52. Mars would have loved to cut a fiery (hee) promo consisting mostly of yelling “yurusanai,” but she just would have gotten HASSAN’D. Five hot pokers up everyone’s asses. Heated by the sacred flame at the Hikawa Shrine. Or Mars Fire. Whatever.
Ok, I made that stupid fun for myself after all.
Commercials. Wow. I actually know people who probably think “Darkwatch” looks cool. In case anyone rereads this years later looking for the first instance of “Hinodriver ’52,” that’s the game about some kinda holy gunslinger fighting old west zombies.
Grisham tracks down Bischoff and Jericho. I’m already tired of them. Could you tell? Bischoff announces that next week we’ll see Cena vs Jericho and Carlito in a handicap match. ARRRRRGH! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THE PAST TWO FUCKING WEEKS!? (But those weren’t handicap matches, Jericho was the heel referee!) I DIDN’T ASK YOU! GO TYRANNIZE A MESSAGEBOARD OR SOMETHING! JR: “Man. That’s not fair.”
Jesus Christ, I forgot the Diva Search. Coach teases cutting one girl, but cuts another. AND THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE. Anyway, this week, the girls were given sixty seconds to talk to the camera earlier, but about halfway through, each got unexpectedly hit with a pie. One girl tries to give us her phone number, and then starts cussing when she gets hit with the pie. Then she screams. Back to live action, and she makes handsigns. The next girl pretends she’s naked behind a sign, but then she gets hit with a pie and drops the sign, and she’s not naked! IT WAS ALL A CON! What makes this one mildly amusing is she was trying to be saucy and sexay when she got hit with the pie. And then she tries to continue to be sexay, but she’s now covered in whipped cream. The third girl is kind of messing up before she even gets hit with a pie. And when she gets hit with the pie, she just kinda…continues to not be good. The girl who got voted off had hers on WWE.com, and she started screaming and flipping out and was just a lot more fun. And by “a lot more fun” I mean “still pretty awful.” Coach: “The voting, as always, begins right now!” Haha.
Ok, the HBK as Elderly Hogan sketch was funny. Enough. “Boris Time!”
Commercials. For whatever reason, just stalling having to rebeak HBK and Hogan, I guess, I went back and cruised some old Smark Attack columns today. I felt like maybe Sofa was hinting at something when he did a column mocking internet columnists giving you stupid blog stuff all over their wrestling sites, but then with some relief I noted that he penned the article like two years before I had organized my non-beak bullshit into boldfaced headings. Sofa, the lazy bastard, has gone over two years without doing a Smark Attack column. I’m sitting pretty. I won’t hit the two year mark for almost a whole month!
Oh shit, Cena’s new rap is about his childhood. Yuck.
I WASN’T JUST CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION! I WAS ALSO JOBBING TO ZACH GOWAN! is out for his first match on RAW in over seven thousand years. SO…IF LITA AND KANE WERE NEVER REALLY MARRIED…DID I REALLY KILL A BABY? WAIT…DO I EVEN REALLY LIKE FEET? will be his opponent. That’s not so much a nickname as the basis of a Superstar Profile for Snitsky, though I promised never to draw for this site again after somebody said Arn’s dog Spot looked like a dinosaur. Yeah, a white dinosaur with black spots, Mr. I Can’t Draw a Basketball. So bitter tonight. Matt punches Snitsky right away. Discus punch. Throwing knees. He hits the ropes and medium-boots Snitsky. More punches, but now he charges into a spinebuster by Snitsky. Stomping by Snitsky. How long do you think Matt has until we get our first “We Want Jeff” chants? Snitsky fires away in the corner. He whips Matt into the opposite corner, and follows him with a clothesline. Lawler says Snitsky has been “thick as thieves with Edge and Lita.” As long as that’s all that’s supposed to be going on. “Standing vertical suplex” by Snitsky, says JR. He didn’t do his kneeling version. Shitty, shitty stomps by Snitsky. Lawler starts in on how if you get Matt mad, he’ll send you a nasty email. Coach follows up: “He’ll call you a lot of nasty names over the email!” I think it’s really cool how Coachman can fire Starbolts. And it’s awesome how he’s the strongest girl ever. Snitsky with more boring offense. He finally misses a charge, allowing Matt to clothesline him down. Cover for 2. Oh Matt. Off a clothesline? Snitsky gets a sideslam for 2. Coach…starts in on JR. JR: “At least I’m married and like the opposite sex.” ZING. Never start a war of words with JR, not unless you’ve got Oscar Wilde and Dorothy Parker backing you up. Snitsky tries a Pumphandle Slam (SHADES OF WHATEVER EVEN WORSE NAME B-JIZZLE HAS NOW, REMIND ME LATER SUPER ASIA) but Matt escapes. Matt tries for the It’s The Fruit Snack With A Twist, but Snitsky shoves him off. Huh. Super-hot babyface returns to the ring, and his finisher is treated like the Unprettier. Snitsky tries for a big boot to the corner, but catches his leg on the top rope, along Matt to get a Super It’s The Fruit Snack With A Twist for 3. Matt, like Christian, can’t beat a hippity-hoppity midget in a mask. A skull-cap that endows the midget with the power of the Aztecs. I JUST SLAMMED A DIVISION sneak-attacks. Edge. He kinda indirectly dissed the cruisers. I dunno, I kinda like cruisers.
Commercials. I guess our co-main events are Cena’s new video and lots of talk from Hogan and Michaels.
Moments ago, OH NOOOOO! Edge attacked. Backstage, Matt is LIMPING! He sees Edge and attacks. They get split up, but they manage to yell at each other. Mostly “come on!” Summerslam Special guest referee Shaniqua.
Cena’s video. I should restrain from making too many jokes, because I have a feeling Mideon will be seeing this about a billion times on Heat and Experience. Maybe, maybe he won’t have to deal with it on Velocity. It’s essentially shots of his (Cena’s, not Mideon’s) current family at a picnic intercut with old family video over inspiring phrases like “uh-huh” and “yeah.” Cena holds up a sign for us to read. In his video. Dillonesque. “Just clap with me like the lightening dude.” What? Beef and gats to the side, please. Now some woman actually sings. The chorus. Lead vocals are, of course, Cena talking. Is that Bumpy Knuckles or Trademark? Whichever one was white. The Black guy isn’t welcome at this picnic. Cena wants to thank his brothers and Dad and fuck his girl. Now firefighters do the YCSM pantomime while a fire rages behind them unchecked. WE CAN’T SEE OUR FIREFIGHTING RESPONSIBILITIES! I’ve decided Raye is trying to immolate Cena and his family for getting Chad in trouble. Either that, or they had a campfire.
Backstage, HBK walks around. He fails to screech comically about make-up.
Commercials. “Right Now” is already making me nostalgic for “Bad Man.”
Next week, Hogan vs Angle? Poor Kurt.
Now it’s time to take your face…off! We get special introductions from JERRY “KING OF THE CHICKEN FRIES” LAWLER. First out AT LEAST FEUDING WITH HOGAN MAKES MY “SEXY BOY” IMAGE LESS RIDICULOUS. I hope when Jamie Noble comes back, he adopts a sexy boy gimmick. I’M JUST A SEXY BOY, BOY! I DIDN’T JUST EAT MY VITAMIN, I ACTUALLY ATE QUITE A FEW VITAMINS, AND INJECTED SOME VITAMIN-LIKE SUBSTANCES DIRECTLY INTO MY BLOODSTREAM, BROTHER is out next. Michaels goes all “shoot” and thanks Hogan for coming to RAW in-person, says he doesn’t sweat him “backstage,” etc. “I’m not tickling the ivories with you, old man!” GO TO BED, OLD MAN! HBK says Hogan built his career on image and show. Hahaha. You tell ‘em, Heartbreak Kid. Then get his reaction on the Clique cam. Hogan finally says, “let me tell you something, brother!” This forces Shawn to quietly make faces as he talks. Hogan: “As far as throwin’ stones, castin’ stones out here, well I guess all I would have to do, was call up, Bret Hart!” OMG HE MENTIONED BRET HART TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT NOW I MUST SEE THEIR MATCH! Michaels does a Black Female Defendant On A Particularly Degrading Episode of Judge Judy face. The crowd chants “You screwed Bret,” so Shawn says, “And don’t you forget it, and you’re next!” Shawn is gonna screw THE ENTIRE CROWD, BAYBAY! Well, he pointed at Hulk, but still. Hogan claims HBK is selfish, not like Hogan. Hahaha. Hulk Hogan eventually asks HBK what he plans to do when the Hulkamaniacs run wild on him. HBK superkicks Lawler. Wow. We need to get the Hulkamaniacs to run wild on HBK like, every day. HBK goes low against Hogan, but Hulk Hulks-Up. Michaels sells the beating from the old man like a little bitch, which (in my mind) instantly negates every “shoot” comment he’s made about not “laying down” for Hogan. JR: “Ladies and gentlemen, Summerslam is sold out. One reason: Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan.” Ok, that’s two reasons, and a big slap in the face of everyone else on the card, but the rest of the card is pretty rotten so blah.
Final Thoughts: Remember when HEEL Russo was “shooting” on Lex Lugar and he mentioned “that career-threatening automobile accident, the Lex Express!” And Russo had this “oh God I’m so clever” look on his face while Luger just looked annoyed and the crowd didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about? I wish the crowd reacted to the Bret Hart line that way, but they didn’t. Total nonsequitor, though. Of course, the WCW crowd shrugged off the Lex Express line because most of them hadn’t been fans long enough to remember that, not because it made no sense. I guess I’m just not “getting” the neo-quasi-shoot storylines any more than Russo’s non-neo quasi-shoot storylines.
