THE FUTURE OF WV: I guess Sofa’s laying out until his chick leaves the country. Placing a woman before writing about pro-wrestling? Go figure. The Two-Man Power Trip has a mystery benefactor though. No one consulted me. I mean, I would have approved, but still. Super Asia blew his chance to fill in when I forgot to ask him.
I still don’t have anything in particular to say about hanging out at Sofa’s. I reiterate whatever Mideon blogged about in his first beak back. Wait, he went with the forum, to ensure that EZbore ate any embarrassing secrets that were leaked. Hmm…yeah, we played video games about China and yelled about Serenity, that about sums it up. I was genuinely flattered when Sofa liked my Sisco impression, though that was at like 2 in the morning at the second rest stop restaurant we visited. I ate chicken fries because Burger King had only chicken and fish. Yeah, that makes sense.
SHOCKING SECRETS ABOUT SOFA AND MIDEON: Mideon isn’t as fat as he makes himself out to be. We’re in the same general fatness range. It may just be that I downplay my own obesity too much. Sofa has the strangest food allergy I have ever actually come across, but it isn’t my favorite. My favorite involves an internship I had in England where a running joke was to say, in a completely serious tone: “What if Jack were suddenly to develop a severe nut allergy?”
Romance of the Three Kingdoms X had better be fucking awful, because I’ve decided not to buy it until I hear from Mideon. It probably won’t give me any Final Fantasy X/Three Kingdoms Era humor I can’t force out of FFX and Dynasty Warriors anyway. It will surely be better than Romance of the Three Kingdoms X-2, in which Zhen Ji, and her wacky gal pals Diao Chan and Zhang He perform horrible concerts while vaguely trying to bring Cao Pi back from the grave. Cao Pi, the whiny bitch who will never be as good at underwater soccer as Cao Cao.
DYNASTY WARRIORS: I’ve unlocked everyone now, so I may shut the fuck up soon.
SAILOR MOON: You know how sometimes I mention filling in for the delivery driver at my job and getting to spend the day listening to the radio and not being physically at work? Well I’ve been put in that role full-time, more or less. At least for a few months. This is mostly a good thing, with one tiny problem. My work schedule got shifted to Monday through Friday, so I have the same days off as the rest of the world. And I don’t get to flop around in a big empty house watching Sailor Moon or whatever embarrassing crap I want on Monday afternoons anymore. So I suppose to you, the reader, there’s no downside to this. Anyway, I watched two episodes over lunch Monday and it may seriously be a really, really long time before I see the show again. My last two doses of Jappy saccharine were Mimette episodes too. Ugh. I hadn’t been watching often since her run started anyway.
Between no Sailor Moon and dwindling Dynasty Warriors, will I ever start getting right to the wrestling? Anything’s possible.
Ok, time to go. What’s that? You don’t feel like reading another RAWbeak already! That’s perfect! I don’t feel like writing another RAWbeak already!
Bischoff picture. Boo.
OK, SO I SUCK comes out and drapes his leg sexilay across the bottom rope. Jericho’s wife-beater, sunglasses and camouflage hat make him look all weird. He recounts the events of last week’s RAW. On Cena’s concert: “Stinkaroo! That was rotten! That wasn’t rap, nonononononono, that was CRAP!” He calls Cena “Young M. Cena” for some reason. M. Bison. Now he yells at the monkeys in the truck. That’s no way to talk to the Baby Game! More yakking. M. CENA flaming torpedoes into the ring to attack. Remember when Prince Silo was assigning Street Fighter characters and decided I was a glitch? Who’s yo nigga now, glitch? A CONTRACT IS A CONTRACT IS A CONTRACT, BUT ONLY BETWEEN FERENGIS appears on the ramp and sends security to separate them. Lawler: “That’s why it’s a thug! JR even you gotta admit LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS, HE’S A STREET THUG!” Bischoff: “Cena, damn you anyway!” Hahaha. Bischoff: “You wanna buck my authority?” Auck buthority. Bischoff makes Jericho the special guest referee for tonight’s Cena/Carlito title match SHOCK. Jericho hits a camera. He’s stealing your gimmick, Bunkhouse Buck. Jericho may have just said a swear, but I’m not winding back.
Mr. McMahon is going to make a major announcement tonight. I guessed it was bringing back Matt and I was right.
Commercials. “One Nation Under Chicken Fries” is the stupidest thing in the history of stuff. I just had to eat some before they aired this ad, didn’t I?
Our Juicy Slop Drop of the Week is Masters choking out Shelton. I’m gonna shoot myself in the face. Just give me some time.
THE MASTER WANTS YOU, BUT HE CAN’T HAVE YOU! I WANT YOU! has his entrance interrupted by Lawler bitching about how JR always talks over it. We literally got silent reverence broken by Lawler yelling about talking that JR didn’t even…do. Masters’ tag team partner is SO…DO I STILL LIKE FEET, OR..? who hasn’t mentioned toe-sucking in weeks. Well, he stopped hating babies for a few weeks and then that came back, so who knows? Whoa, Snitsky gets a home town this week. Has he always had one and I just never noticed? Coach: “Just for the record fellas, it’s not his fault.” “It” being “any non-shittyness that may occur in this match” HAHAHAHAHA zing! Coach: “You think about a man who lives by the adage, ‘the grass is always greener,’ Snitsky…oh, he’s ready!” What? THE GOPHER IS ALWAYS MORE GOLDEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL is out next, soon followed by GOPHERS? SOUNDS DELICIOUS! This match is going to be so, so bad. Shelton’s Stupittron video still includes his estimation of Triple H’s penis length. Shelton shakes Show’s delicious ham hand, though he’d have preferred a fried chicken hand. Don’t blame me, I’m not as racist as those Popeye’s Chicken commercials they’ve been showing around here lately. Anyway, Show cups his hands so Shelton can climb up onto Show’s shoulder and jump into the ring. Shelton, of course, nearly falls the fuck over, but does manage to launch himself in there and give both big, goofy heels a clothesline. Show pulls Snitsky to the floor while Shelton throws crossfaces at Masters. Masters fights back up, but eats a shoulderblock. Shelton tags Show, but Show retreats and tags Snitsky. Show throws Snitsky into the ring. Headbutt. JR picks up Cole’s “compare Show’s hand to household appliances and cookery” mantel. Show with a slap. Talking. Another slap. Lawler: “Big ham…of a hand!” Headbutt. JR decides Show’s hands are as thick as a catcher’s mitt. Slap. I hate you, The Big Show. Boot-choking. JR: “Nice flexibility by the big man!” Coach wonders if the foot fetishist Snitsky secretly likes this. Is Snitsky gay now? He hates babies because he hates breeders. Show does the “shhhh I’m gonna hit and you’ll want to be able to hear it, also, Chris Masters’ introduction could randomly re-air at any second” thing. Then slaps Snitsky. Now he mocks Snitsky’s pain like some 8 foot tall, 30 billion pound four-year-old. I should like that, but no. Irish whip. Show clotheslines Snitsky to the floor as JR talks about how Show hadn’t been in trouble yet. He’s only done maybe ten moves, almost all slaps. Yeah, they took ten minutes, but still. Masters attacks, so Show tosses him to the floor. Let’s take an ad break. So we miss the heels taking over on Shelton somehow.
Commercials. The Deuce Bigelow sequel is facing off directly with this “30 Year Old Virgin” movie starring some Daily Show castoff. For the valuable “idiot dollar.” Says the guy spending his time carefully doing play-by-play on a “Big Show on offense” sequence.
We’re back, and SHOCK, Shelton is in. To my mild surprise, he’s on offense. Throwing elbows at Snitsky. Snitsky sent to the corner. Shelton looking for the Stingar Splash, but…he has to wait for Masters to get on the apron and distract him. Jesus. Shelton knocks Masters off the apron, and now he attempts the uber-late Stingar Splash, diving right into a boot by Snitsky. Do you think Snitsky limbers up by sucking his own toes? JR claims Shelton was kicked “in the heart.” Masters tagged in for a bodyslam and some stomps and shit. Did JR just say Masters is “powering up?” Did he grab a magic mushroom or something? Bearhug by Masters. Man. Lawler: “That’s no ordinary bearhug! That’s…that’s similar to the Masterlock!” Sometimes Lawler is just so awful you have to laugh. It’s the only way not to cry. Does Shelton have yellow ribbons drawn on his boots? Shelton fights his way out of the Masterlockian Bearhug, but runs into a powerslam for 2. Coach and Lawler start in on this analogy about Shelton falling off the ladder since losing the IC Title, and how he continues to fall and how no one will catch him. The other superstars will “walk around you” as you fall, says Coach. Snitsky tagged in to stomp. The fans are shockingly into this match, making noise for Shelton. Snitsky drops an elbow or a knee, I wasn’t really looking. Modified Ninja Chokeout (JR thinks it’s a version of the Cobra Clutch, the move so greatly feared by Chris Masters) but Shelton fights out. Lawler and Coach claim he said he quit. JR: “Gosh I’m sorry I missed that. So did the referee.” Shelton runs into a spinebuster for 2. Hey, the referee is Chad Patten. *Thinks about Raye, Chad and Grampa to kill time.* Tag to Masters. Slapping. Double clothesline by the heels. Show comes in to knock heels over and waddle back to the apron. I think what makes that “Yuichirou…san” scene from the skiing ep work isn’t so much Rei’s delivery as the way Usagi was just spacing out until she heard the “san,” at which point she jerked herself back to the scene to observe Rei closely. Masters tries…something, Benjamin counters with a backslide, but Masters powers out and clotheslines Shelton for 2. Lawler: “Come on Masters, get this thing over with!” Or Show, really, whoever. Those are the two possibilities. Masters clubbers some. Shelton escapes a suplex! Modified Ego Trip! Race for the tag. Lawler: “Look at the Big Show, he’s just salivating over there!” Hahaha. Snitsky tagged in first. He grabs Shelton by the leg, but Shelton mule kicks and tags in Show. Show does shoulderblocks on everybody. JR: “Imposing his physical will!” Show fatvalanches both heels in one corner. Masters ends up on one knee, so Shelton comes in for this really stupid spot where he sticks his foot up, Show grabs it, and Shelton Money Clips Masters off of Show’s grip. Shelton ushers Masters out of the ring so Snitskty can get chokeslammed for 3. Snitsky got in a big boot first, but you don’t really care, do you?
Man, that sucked it right out of me. I gotta get at least close to halfway through before I can justify ditching this for video games, though.
Our Retarded Movie Thing of the Week is…Eugene. Irony.
Commercials. Fat Joe gets this hilarious advertisement parodying pet psychics poppin’. Also, the guy who sings the Chicken Fries song looks vaguely like Wei Yan (whose name should probably be Shu Yan AHAHAHAHAHA nevermind.)
XU ZHU and DIAO CHAN are here! Yes, the ORIGINAL Diva Search Winner is now dressed as a cheerleader and serving bouncing around behind Eugene. Suddenly, Super Stacey doesn’t seem too bad. I would be watching this closely, if I were a Diva Search hopeful. Of course, I’d have known who Kamala was, and would have looked pretty awful in a bikini. Eugene wants to play with Christy’s pom-poms, har-har. I wonder if Lawler will trot that back out later. ”I WAS BORN UNDER A BLACKJACK TABLE AT THE MOHEGAN SUN: THE KURT ANGLE STORY” invades. Eugene makes me crack a smile by yelling “What’s your name and where ya from!?” really fast every time Kurt tries to talk. Eugene: “This is not Pittsburgh, this is Mohegan Sun!” He gets a pop for that? Are people really born in this casino? Kurt Angle points out that there are no home town heroes from here. He mentions Tonto. Even before it happened, I was hoping to hear it, and indeed, there’s the war cry and music of BUFFALO BREATH, TATANKA. His nickname refers to the time “The Model” Rick Martel called him that in a really over-the-top HEEL voice. I was also tempted to forge a nickname from the time Tatanka said that if Jimmy Hart (or Fuji or whothefuckever) tried to interfere in his upcoming match, the Great Spirits would let him know, and he would “get” them. I just love the idea of ancient and wise native spirits yelling, “Look out behind you, Fuji’s got a cane!” And Tatanka then “getting” Fuji. Or Hart. Maybe it was Heenan. So, yeah, I laughed at the time, but now it’s Tuesday night and I’ve had a whole day to remember how shitty Tatanka was. Coach: “I hated him back then, and I still do!” Some fan actually has a “Tatanka” sign! Oh, wait, it’s “Ta-“ something else. JR keeps calling Tatanka’s tribe by it’s proper name, but it sounds like he’s calling him a “Lumpy Indian.” Haha, the Eugene Invitational graphic has backwards letters and shit. Handshake before the match starts, as Coach bemoans the possibility of a “Tatanka Invitational.” Lock-up, Tatanka forces Eugene into the corner, clean break. Headlock by Tatanka, Eugene sends him to the ropes, and Tatanka gets a shoulderblock for 2. Headlock again by Tatanka, as he tries to wear down Eugene’s head for easy scalping, but Eugene turns it into an overhand wristlock or whatever, and gets an armdrag. Armbar by Eugene, and I can’t believe I’m calling the holds in an “Indian vs Retard” match. Tatanka reverses and clubbers. Legdrop across the arm by Tatanka. More armbar reversals. Lawler says he wants to play with Christy’s pom-poms. Coach, disappointed: “King.” Lawler busts out “he couldn’t even tell you what that medal is made of” again. Eugene does something and covers for 2. Tatanka sent into the corner, but Eugene charges into a boot. And Tatanka, being a Native American, uses every part of the boot. Knife-edge chop by Tatanka. TATANKA’S ON THE WAR PATH with his stupid dance. He goes up top…TOP ROPE TOMAHAWK CHOP CONNECTS! Eugene kicks out at 2. Well shit, he just buried Tatanka’s finisher! I think that counted as one of his finishers. Eugene escapes from the Papoose To Go, and gets an Angle Slam! Now he pantomimes pulling down the straps, hahaha. I’d forgotten that part. Anklelock, but there’s only thirty seconds left, so Angle runs in to prevent the obvious ending: Tatanka fighting the pain and winning Eugene’s gold medal. Tatanka sides with Eugene, because no one is whiter than Kurt Angle. Lawler: “I can’t believe Tatanka turned on Kurt Angle!” They had been close allies. Tatanka spoke with forked tongue, apparently.
Here’s footage of Hogan on Larry King. IT WAS A DAMN SET-UP, KING! Hulk kinda sorta explains the HBK/Hogan story, but not really. Larry King: “Oh, this is a grudge match! This one, the ending we don’t know, right?” Take off your glasses when you shoot like that. Stupid fuck.
Commercials. “Four Brothers” oughta be called “Two Brothers and Two White Guys.”
Todd Grisham doesn’t get a nickname. HEEL. He tries to interview Kurt, who is angry. But he’ll win his medals back next week in Pittsburgh. Kurt: “Eugene may be special, but next week, I’m gonna make him really special, if you know what I mean.” Can’t say that I do.
Here’s footage of last week’s stretcher match. JR: “Line of demarcation!” We see the dumb ambulance shit. Coach informs us Kane was arrested for assault and grand theft auto and playing the now illegal Grand Theft Auto and shit. Edge and Lita aren’t here either. Um…yay?
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO ASK MYSELF, WHY TWO JAY? WHY NOT THREE JAY? chats with 2 OUT OF 3 REBEAKERS AGREE, MY SHIRT IS COOL about how they’re all evil and shit. DEAN BITTERMAN yells at them to make a fool-proof plan to take Cena’s title away. Jericho: “Know how fast I can count? Onetwothree, biggity bam, you’re the new champ!” Carlito thinks that is cool. He enjoys an apple. JR: “Totally collusionary!” That’s not really a word, I don’t think.
Commercials. Four Brothers. The story of how Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and…Some Other Guy avenge their mother’s death by fighting Wei for like thirty years.
I’VE GOT, NO PLANTS! NO PLANTS TO SELL! is out to make a major announcement that does not involve selling pants. JR: “I guarantee you the Chairman is not here for any unparticular reason!” Wow. Vince brags about the 636th edition of RAW. Couldn’t you have waited thirty more episode to make it really cool? He claims to have surpassed all weekly television shows (um…I have my doubts) and teases thanking the WWE fans but OMG IT’S A CON and he thanks himself for being a genius. “It’s alright to thank yourself every now and then! It actually feels pretty good!” It would have been funnier if he’d said “spank” where he said “spank.” Now he talks about patting himself on the back, ala Barry Horowitz. Now he talks about how his ego doesn’t get in the way of good business. He hired Bischoff despite his sins because it’s good business. Nothing to do with ego. Nope. Anyway, the shocking announcement, duh, is that Matt Hardy is back, and will face Edge at Summerslam. I JUST SCAMMED A TOMATO gets to come out, and the security dudes restrain themselves from grabbing him. He really did scam that tomato though. He told it it was a vegetable, but it’s really a fruit. IT’S A CON! Matt sez Vince didn’t bring him back to RAW, “the people” brought him back to RAW. People’s Champ. Now he tells us about his six year relationship with “Amy Dumas,” the People’s Tramp. Lita was married to Kane on TV, but Amy came home to Matt. Did Kane know about this? Matt, are you telling us you’re a burning home-wrecker? Now we learn that Adam Copeland cheated on the cheater by screwing both Amy AND Lita! This Copeland character was getting sloppy, demonic thirds. Now Matt says that Adam “destroyed my dream of one day having children.” Wait, Adam chopped off your penis at some point? Or was that Edge? Perhaps Val Venis? Or maybe his alter ego, T.B. Valboski? Matt: “And you came this close, *indicates Triple H’s penis length* THIS CLOSE, to destroying my dream of being a WWE superstar, something I have worked my entire life for!” Two points. A, I find it interesting that Matt, as a child, said PSHAW to the World Wrestling Federation and planned to be a WWE superstar. But less nitpicky is my objection to the fact that Matt isn’t also out to kill Jeff for being such a drugged-up idiot whose most recent entertaining roll was as a cartoon yelling “SEE U IN PART 2!” Matt sez he wishes Edge would die in a car accident. Yeah. And if Adam Copeland was in the passenger side seat, that would be really sweet. And maybe they could run over Glen Jaco…wait, no, Kane remains Taker’s Satard brother. I think.
Commercials. I learned earlier today that Sima Yi’s “stage complete” pose is, I shit you not, “tapping your head to indicate intelligence.” No wonder Sofa chose to play as him in that exciting RPG about field observation.
LEAVE GO MY EGO is a horrible name for Vince McMahon or anyone. As he power walks down the hall, miraculously not injuring himself, he happens upon KERWIN R. WHITESTER. A short sketch that…isn’t really funny occurs. Basically, Vince says that Kerwin is “middle-class America,” but Vince is upper-class so bye-bye. And he walks away. Takes a little trip. And you can call it…the ego trip. JR: “Vince McMahon is a noted polo player!” Coach: “Seriously?” Lawler, significantly later: “*an ancient water polo/drowning joke.*”
What? Val Venis? Oh, excuse me, MIMETTE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY EVIL ALTER EGO, ISN’T SHE? IT JUST MAKES ME MAD, ARTEMIS (w/I CONSIDER SUICIDE EVERY DAY, BUT I’D HAVE TO COMMIT IT NINE TIMES BEFORE THERE’D BE ANY POINT) is out. Masters already wrestled, ohohoho, wait a minute, it’s MY FAVORITE SECTION OF THE SUBMARINE IS THE CONNING TOWER. Val likes the entire submarine because it looks like a penis. And you know, Conway’s music doesn’t even say that he looks better than everyone else, just that his appearance is unique to him. He’s like a delicate snowflake. I can’t make out much of verse two. Though I do learn that unlike you, he’s had his way with many, many girls. Would that be the Con-way, I wonder? Does “Con-way” always mean sexings, or does it’s meaning change with the situation? Like “Smurf?” And did Conway have the black leather, metal-studded…um…sack-guard on Heat? So many questions. That studded pair of panties looks like something Demolition might wear…if they were GAY DEMOLITION. Maybe whichever Basham didn’t fall off the face of the Earth can TEAM UP with Conway. Axe (Body Spray) and Con, the New, Gay Demolition. HAHAHA, we get pre-recorded comments from Conway. If only he were in a little box floating up in the corner of the screen while the rest of my TV showed him walking to the ring. Conway informs us that he does things the Con-way. Thanks, Rob. Lawler makes reference to the Village People. OMG HE’S WRESTLING WHILE WEARING THE SHADES! Hahaha. I guess if he removed that shades, it would be a shoot and not a con, so this all makes perfect sense. Arm-wringery crap to start. Conway throws a knee and slaps on a headlock. Val sends Conway to the ropes, but eats a shoulderblock. OH SHIT, THE SHADES FELL OFF! Conway gives us “furious indignation.” Conway: “NOW YOU’RE GONNA GET IT! NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME!” Val takes over with arm stuff. The fans chant…something. Conway elbows out of whatever. Val sent to the ropes, and into a back-elbow. Conway does some goofy arm-flexing before dropping an elbow. Coach: “You know what the Con Man likes to call himself too? I was talkin’ to him the other day, likes to call himself ‘The Master of Excellence.’” ThE MaStEr WoUlD NoT ApProve. Conway chops away in the corner. Coach: “You can see how crisp he is!” Val reverses a corner whip. Rob charges right into a back body drop. Val chops him down, and Conway rolls outside to rest…no, IT WAS A CON as he pulls Val to the floor. But Val takes over with punches anyway. And…throws him back in. Psh. Conway knocks Val off the apron into the railing. Conway back out to ram Val into the railing. Coach: “You know JR, this isn’t a one-way match. This isn’t even a two-way match. This is a Con-way match.” I love this kind of stuff. Clearly, Coach’s commentary is gonna turn Conway into a major star. Now Conway rams Val into the apron. Conway: “This is the Con-way!” Both men back in the ring. Conway stomps. JR: “Conway seems to be the hungrier of the two!” Hungry for COCK. Sorry. Val sent into the corner. Arched-back sell. Rude Awakening? No, he kneels down and turns it into a weird-ass modified Ninja Chokeout. King starts talking about his adult home movies. Val fights out and gets the…shit, I forget which Venus move I was calling the Blue-Thunder-Whateverbomb. Let’s go with Venus Crescent Beam Smash. Both men slow to rise. Val takes over with punches. Clothesline. Back elbow. Conway reverses a whip, but Val reverses the reversal, takes Conway down and…what the fuck, was that a release-version of the Indian Deathlock? Don’t let Tatanka see you doin’ that. Coach spent this whole sequence talking about how “Venis” rhymes with “meanness.” Reverse Figure-4! In terms of fan-response and JG fondness, Val really is sort of the reverse of Ric Flair. Conway gets to the ropes, or as JR says, “makes contact” with the ropes. Coach fails to say “Con-tact.” Conway runs into a spinebuster. Val goes up (fans: “This match sucks!”) for the Venus Love and Beauty Shock, but Conway crotches him in a big way. A big Con-way. There’s the Ego Trip. Coach: “Go ahead, call it JR, it’s called the Ego Trip!” Lawler: “The what?” Coach: “The Ego Trip!” Lawler, laughing: “How did you know that?” Coach: “I told ya, I’m very close with the Con Man.” Lawler: “Wow.” Conway: “When you go down that road, the Ego Road, you don’t get up from the Ego Trip.” JR: “Well this young man says things are gonna be done the, ‘The Con Way,’ and Rob Conway, using ‘The Ego Trip’ effectively against a talented Val Venis.” Lawler: “Yes he did, we’re seeing the ‘Ego Trip.’” Coach: “Yeah, it’s not your way, it’s not my way, guys, it’s The Con Way!” My use of single quotes got really random there.
Commercials. That was a good as this show is gonna get, and that was a mediocre Heat match.
When we come back, JR promises HBK Highlights (for Children,) but instead we get THIS LARRY KING IS A FAAAAAKE introducing HBK AS THE FAKE HULK FROM THE BILLIONAIRE TED SKETCHES. I remember Macho Man was Nacho Man, but I’m blanking on Hulk’s name. Anyway, HBK comes out dressed as Hulk, using a walker. He pretends to fall over when doing the “I can’t hear the fans” thing, and he ends every sentence with “brother.” So far, so good. “Every day the Hulkster wakes up that he’s not dead brother, he’s livin’ on Boris time!” It’s time, it’s time, it’s Boris time!” HBK: “Brother brother brother, brother, brother, brother.” Fake Larry King: “So Hulkie, do you still like the wrestling?” Hahaha, that was probably the best part. He refers to it was “the wrestling” throughout. Shades of Starfire. HBK makes clever mention of how Hogan only goes to the “big towns, brother” which I’d been waiting for him to use as ammo for three weeks. Now we get some HBK highlights. Apparently, the interview from last week where he bashed Hulk and the time he superkicked Hulk were the biggest events in his career. Ooooh, now HBK makes an off-hand reference to Hulk ditching the WWE to “make even more money someplace else.” Now he yells “Mean Gene” and his toupee falls off to reveal his bald-cap. Hilarious fake back pain. Then he superkicks the fake Larry King. OMG HE WAS SHAWN MICHAELS ALL ALONG! I hate it when heels shockingly do their finishers on whatever actor/midget was aiding in their evil parody. Now he superkicks the camera. Pshh, Meng and the headbutt was better.
Commercials. “Knuckle me.” God you people are white. It’s an ad for that shitty new Taco Bell…thing.
Diva Search Crap. Summer is cut. King: “Oh my!” JR: “Surprising.” Oh shut up. Lawler: “I hate to see her go but I love to watch her leave!” Stop shocking Mideon with your ancient clichés. Oh hey, automatic little French accent thingie! Thank you, MS-Word! Inexplicable kanji when EvilJon tries to read these is a small price to play. Oh fuck, now we get a “sneak peak” at Deuce Bigelow, Male God This Sucks. Hahaha, there are already some audible boos. AND TO THINK “JUDGE DREDD” ISN’T EVEN MY WORST MOVIE comes out. JR: “That Rob Schneider, he’s a hoot.” He high-fives everyone but Coach. King: “Coach got dissed!” Rob: “Ah yah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!” I’m dying inside. The Battle of the Bands doesn’t seem so bad now. Anyway, yeah, it’s that foam-paddle joust bullshit. Rob Schneider advises the girls not to be distracted by his boner. Two girls battle. They both fall off immediately because they really are that awful. Then IT HAPPENS AGAIN. On the third try, one of them stays up there for more than a few seconds. Schneider…says some stuff that…I’m not even sure what was supposed to be funny/racy about that. Then two other girls fight, and one actually wins. Then the girls continue to “fight,” and Schneider jumps in, and…this is awful. The two “winners” compete and somebody wins. Rob: “She’s a goddess! *high-five* Good job!” If I ever meet someone I consider a “goddess,” I don’t think I’d immediately go for the high-five. Now Coach hits on the winner, but in a hilarious and completely spontaneous moment, she goes off with Rob Schneider. Who…refers to himself as “Deuce Bigelow.” Shades of Arli$$.
Now we see a recap of last week’s show. Jesus…we were there, all right! Oh, wait, I guess some people weren’t there live. Yeah, I can see not remembering this a week later if you weren’t there.
Commercials. I mean, the stupid fan is stupid and I hate his voice, but the motherfucker taps his head to indicate intelligence. You’d never see Zhuge Liang doing that. Though he might be convinced to stroke the goatee like Jim Neidhart.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Today, I was doing deliveries, and I had to deliver to an attraction at Colonial Williamsburg, which always fucking sucks because none of the buildings are numbered and it’s all designed for tourists on foot. And the order was done wrong, which was in no way my fault, so I had to bring it back and deliver the corrected version later. And when I’m doing that, already into overtime, the old bitch at the restaurant is all, “Did you bring the right order this time?” And I’m thinking, look, I’m used to people being smart-asses about mistakes that WERE NOT, MY, FAULT, but I shouldn’t have to deal with being looked down on by somebody dressed as a fucking 18th century serving wench. She was Black, by the way, so she may have been stressed by all the tourists asking if they could pay extra to see her flogged.
Colonial Williamsburg doesn’t get a lot of Black tourists. A real puzzler, that.
We’re back. THE GRAND NEGIS is at ringside, with his music playing, to build up his huge Summerslam match with Cena. WAIT. NO. I’m sorry, the Summerslam match is with the special guest referee who is already in the ring, TINY RON. Coach’s mic goes out, so Lawler and King pimp next week’s Eugene invitational, as well as “Hogan and Michaels, Face to Face” next week. I guess Pittsburgh is a “big town.” Coach’s mic is back. Yay? THAT EVIL APPLE WHO IS ALWAYS MESSING WITH CINNA-MON is out for his title shot. I don’t know about you, but I was pretty excited about him winning the title on RAW like three weeks before Summerslam. Sorry. Hahaha, is Carlito trying to get the Intercontinental Title belt to spin? Carlito’s tights have the world “COOL” written on the ass, with apples for Os, and an apple on his crotch. I LOVE YOU TOO, MIDEON goes straight for Jericho, but Carlito attacks from behind, and chokes Cena with his stupid shirt. That’s Cena’s fault. JR: “Oh come on you guys! Quit BSin’!” Haha, Cena sends Carlito to the corner, so Jericho pulls Carlito clear of the charge. Carlito knocks Cena down, covers for less than one, but Jericho gets to 2 ½ anyway. They repeat to drive it home. Carlito clubbers, Cena fires back, and Jericho grabs Cena to prevent the illegal closed-fists. Hahaha, Jericho openly helps Carlito to Angleize Cena. Oh, if only there was any doubt as to how this shit will end.
Commercials. Some pretentious announcer declares “The Skeleton Key” the “return of the classic Psychological Thriller.” The commercial then shows what is clearly a Horror movie, as evidenced by the supernatural content. I mean, maybe the movie really is a Psychological Thriller, but they totally paint it as Horror. They’re not the same, you know. It’s akin to saying “We celebrate the return of the classic Romantic Epic with ‘Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.’”
I don’t really want to finish this. We’re back, and Carlito is doing his trademark modified Ninja Chokeout. Cena sends him to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and Carlito gets a modified Ego Trip. Jericho quick counts, Cena kicks out anyway, so Jericho drops an elbow. Carlito sends Cena into the ropes for a back elbow. I mean, a Psychological Thriller can have supernatural content, but it’s far more typical of the Horror genre. Carlito…clubbers. He sets up a suplex…slowly, so Cena blocks. Cena tries to reverse, but Jericho pulls Carlito back down to his feet, and Carlito gets a DDT. Hahaha. THAT’S AS CLOSE TO BEING HIS MOVE AS WE’RE GOING TO GET, TONY! Jericho counts EVEN THOUGH CENA’S FOOT WAS ON THE ROPES OMG. It kinda sucks that Carlito’s trademark DDT can’t even get 3 on a fast count. Carlito stomps and shit. Yeah, that Yuichirou…san scene was mostly about Usagi’s reaction, but Rei’s delivery did play a part. Cena tries to attack Jericho, but gets knocked down. Lawler…hahaha, Lawler points out that there aren’t too many companies where you can get away with scooping up your boss and slamming them. Lawler, or Coach, who cares: “Now he’s paying the price!” JR: “The ultimate price! Losing the WWE title!” Well, um, there is, you know, death. Rear-naked chokeout by Carlito. Cena…kinda stands up eventually. Backdrop by Cena. JR claims this is the lowest Bischoff has ever sunk to. Didn’t he rape Linda McMahon? I’m not even sure. Carlito throws Cena to the floor. Hahaha, JR bitches about Jericho instructing Carlito to throw Cena to the floor, so Lawler goes, “See! You should always obey and follow the rules of the referee.” Cheating on the outside. The heel commentary is making this kind of amusing. Cena sent back in, for 2. Jericho: “OH SHIT!” I think. Cena fights back, and Jericho…walks out of the ring. Cena goes on offense with his usual bullshit. “Modified Powerbomb.” FKS. Jericho is back in, but he won’t count. JR: “DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU JERICHO!” King: “Calm down JR! You are gonna have a stroke!” He has all the strokes around here, slapnuts/ass. Cena attacks Jericho. Carlito attacks. Cena fights both men off, but Jericho manages to prevent the F-U. Somehow, heel communication eventually sees Jericho whipped into Bischoff (who hopped on the apron like an idiot,) and Jericho clotheslined to the floor. Cena gives Carlito the F-U, and another referee FUCKING TELEPORTS INTO THE RING to count 3. He was literally in there within two seconds of Jericho being sent to the floor. Jericho does a heel beatdown afterwards, but the lazy-ass way they set up the ending of the match has soured me. The Sour Man. Lawler: “Did he knock part of Cena’s head off?” Bloodied Cena in the Walls of Jericho is the desperately poor man’s bloodied Austin in the Sharpshooter. And I mean desperately poor. Straining grain-alcohol through toast level poor. Shades of that dude from “Soultaker.”
Final Thoughts: TWO RAWBEAKS UNDER ONE JG HEAD! THE END IS NEAAAAR! Don’t worry about hyperoveranalysis of the Yuichirou…san scene becoming a running joke, as I think I’m out of variations. At one.
