Remind me to insert an intro about my Weekend at Sofa’s (Mideon and I carted Sofa’s corpse around and pretended he was alive, and believe me, it was a riot) later. Screw it, I gotta start another RAWbeak tomorrow, I can blog about it then.
DYNASTY WARRIORS: I guess if no one else likes Shu I can like Shu. Shu Shu Shu Shu World Order. Liu Bei is like Hogan in that they both have stupid beards, and Liu Bei has virtues like humanity, understanding, love, and kindness. Like he always says: “Guan Yu, brother, and Zhang Fei, brother, let’s go, brother!” Guan Yu is like Kevin Nash in that both would no-sell a fucking bullet through the head. And Zhang Fei is like Scott Hall because he’s a hairy drunk. I still maintain the soul-stealing darkness of Sofa’s television is why I fucking sucked at Dynasty Warriors. Though it was fun to make level 1 Yuan Shao go around doing diving headbutts on nothing. What an honor, to headbutt under my own banner. Also, if you have time on your hands and want to play an in-depth but slow-moving RPG, go ahead and try one of those “Hot Sizex in the Three Kingdoms” games. But for God’s sake play one-player so you don’t find yourself screaming in anger if your little sister observes the fields twice and plows once instead of observing once and plowing twice.
SAILOR MOON: I mentioned the show and/or it’s characters maybe twice in three days, and everyone politely but pointedly ignored it.
All right, time for RAW. I had fun, I think we all did, but be warned that the best things we saw were either A) on Heat (hint: the whole damn world wants to look like this individual, but it don’t) or B) unaired footage too dark even for Sofa’s television.
Our opening video package (which had the idiots in the crowd [um, those idiots other than us] screeching) is all about Mideon’s new best pal, John Cena. The rebel who doesn’t play by Principal Bischoff’s rules. We also see Jericho pumping up his inflatable lumberjacks. Hey, Carlito, I like your shirt! JR: “Can he survive!?” For some reason, they don’t include any Coach soundbytes.
IF IT AIN’T WHITE, IT AIN’T RIGHT is, shockingly, Kurt Angle and not Kerwin. Coach: “And tonight, we’re startin’ it off, it’s all about the three I’s baby, come on King, tell ‘em what they are!” King: “Well there he is, there’s the man who personifies them!” Coach: “Intensity! Come on King, you know ‘em!” Pause. King: “Intelligence!” Coach: “And integrity! Ha ha!” I don’t know why that was so funny. The security dudes show us the medal. Kurt wants “real competition,” and I was thinkin’ that Stryker dude again. Instead, it’s WHORE. I tried and failed to get a “MAKE HER TAP” chant started at Christy. Kurt: “I got a great idea! Since I’m a gentlemen and we’re gonna be in a wrestling match, why don’t we start in the referee’s position? That way you can start on top, or you can start on the bottom. It’s your choice sweetheart!” She instead introduces REGULAR PARTICIPANT IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. Mideon made the obvious Special Olympics joke on site. Just because it was obvious doesn’t mean I thought of it. King: “He’ll lick your face, you know that Coach.” Coach: “I know that. You know I know that.” Kurt and Eugene argue about whether Eugene is from Cleveland. To my shock, Eugene doesn’t stop saying “yes I am” and switch to “no I’m not” to trick Angle into saying Eugene is from Cleveland. Speaking of Looney Toons tricks, Mideon claims not to like the Looney Toons. But he does like John Cena. Kurt sez Eugene is making him retarded, to boos (except for a few nerds who laughed.) Kurt sez he will beat Eugene in three minutes no problem (um…didn’t Eugene get booked at Triple H’s level at one point?) and sneak attacks. He rips off Eugene’s Brown’s jersey (um…he was wearing a Brown’s jersey) and pretends to blow his nose in it OMG HEEL. JR talks about Angle’s animalistic instincts/crossfaces. Kurt with animalistic European uppercuts. Lawler makes some lame joke that Coach pretends to laugh at. Anyway, Angle beats him down for the first two minutes (as I, in the crowd went, “Um, Kurt, you only got about a minute left…”) before Eugene Tards Up. JR talks about his “freakish strength.” Kurt pushes out of a Special Stunner and gets the Angle Slam. Ankle going for the Angle Lock, but Eugene does the “roll through and break my own ankle” counter and sends Kurt to the floor with ten seconds left! I was pretty much marking out as time expired, and shouted, “Here is your winner, and new 1996 Men’s Freestyle Wrestling Olympic Champion” when he actually won. Lawler: “Eugene’s so dumb, he couldn’t even tell you what that medal is made of!” They aren’t even made from pure gold anymore, dumb ass.
Coach tells us Cena is bringing “Fluffy Knuckles” and “Trademark.” Their names are “retarded.” That’s funny, Matt Hardy isn’t in the Stretcher Match graphic. Now we see Viscera and his midget backstage. Lawler: “AHH! WHO’S THAT!?” Haha, it sounded like he was terrified. Or aroused, I guess, considering he makes that same noise for tha ladies. JR doesn’t know who it is, but he does know he and Viscera are wrestling as a tag team next, which makes NO SENSE.
Commercials. In the arena, the commercial break was taken up by an extended entrance for The Heartthrobs and their midget, who is apparently named “Pocket Rocket.” It was, needless to say, awesome, and featured some three-way sexay dancing at Lillian. Romeo and Antonio did a lot of dancing on their knees to show solidarity with their beboaed midget. And then, in further ridiculousness, their music stopped so we could watch a Summerslam ad and the “Moments Ago” thing that aired on TV, and the stupid Bischoff/Cena segment, then their music started again so they could dance us back from the commercial.
Hey, local ads for RAW, taping at the Hampton Coliseum in August. That’s like an hour from my house. Everybody get your plane tickets and decide which Dynasty Warrior you want to level up.
Stupid Cena/Bischoff segment. Cena: “For awhile I thought I was a Jedi, then I saw Teen Wolf and though I was Michael J Fox; I had this weird phase where I thought I was Scott Baio.” Shouldn’t watching Teen Wolf have made him think he was a werewolf? A wharwilf? A Yamaglouchee? Anyway, Cena reminds me Eugene is related to Bischoff (which I’d totally forgotten) before Bisch turns and faces away from him and makes a little speech. Cena leaves before he’s done talking to him. Which is funny, somehow.
TEAM POCKET ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF HOMOSEXUALITY are dancing in the ring when TWO AND A HALF MEN invade. Viscera is as big as two men, you see. Blah. I think it’s worth noting that the midget Viscera is about twice as animated and interesting as his obese counterpart. JR: “Cloacas.” King: “Cloacas.” Coach: “Cloacas.” JR: “Cloacas.” I guess the midget’s name is Cloacas, then? Lillian said “Clarissa,” it sounded like, but I don’t have the energy to get into the intensely competitive world of Lillian-slamming. Though I believe Sofa made mention of Winnipoga, Manitoba, Canatoba at some point. Oh yeah, because Zach/Zack (who is NOT a Legomaniac) got all hopped-up about how awful Lillian is at some point. Have I mentioned Zach? Mideon thinks it’s Zach. Good guy, though he got angry about political stuff, like Triple H being such a racist fuck and screwing over Booker T. That’s not really a WV way to be, unless you’re making lame jokes. I mention that stuff in rebeaks sometimes, but I always feel obligated to apologize afterwards. Anyway, so, Team Pocket Rocket laugh at Cloacas, who is somehow more ridiculous in there eyes than their wholly dignified midget. Can’t you picture Pocket Rocket wearing a monocle? And perhaps telling you about Mr. Freeze Freezer Bars? Speaking of which, *pos out a melted freezer bar for his dead homey.* Cloacas kinda dropkicks Pocket Rocket, then crawls between Viscera’s legs to hide, which is supposed to be funny. Romeo distracts Viscera, allowing Pocket Rocket to sneak attack Cloacas. That’s a reference to the Latin word for sewer, by the way. I think the joke is that this African American midget is a nugget of feces, but I’m not sure. I may be giving them too much credit. Antonio wanders over to the apron, sadly not bothering to double-team the face midget. Pocket Rocket dances. Coach says he hasn’t been out clubbing with Pocket Rocket yet. Lawler: “I heard his favorite book was ‘Little Women!’” BWAHAHA OH LAWLER YOU ARE A DELIGHT. Pocket Rocket tags in Antonio, and puts a Masterlock on Cloacas so Antonio can slap the midget. Awesome. Cloacas sent into the corner. Antonio with a snap-mare. Kicking the midget in the face, etc. Coach feigns ignorance when JR bitches about the size disparity. Cloacas sent into the corner, where Pocket Rocket slaps on another Masterlock so Antonio can charge in with a knee. But OMG CLOACAS ESCAPES THE MASTERLOCK and Antonio hits PR. I guess it isn’t technically a Masterlock if it isn’t Chris Masters doing it. The Pocket Locket. Or the Locket Rocket, Locket Pocket, Rocket Locket, etc. PR does a hilarious pratfall off the apron while Antonio just casually starts stomping Cloacas again. Lawler goes into some spiel about Cloacas killing himself by jumping off of a curb. Suicide sure is a hoot. Airplane Spin by Antonio for God knows what reason. Antonio misses an elbow drop, and acts like Arn Anderson has been working over his arm for half an hour. No, I don’t mean that he acts bored. Asshole. Nitro…I mean Romeo grabs Cloacas from the floor, but Cloacas kicks him in the face, crawls between Antonio’s legs and tags in Big Vis. He’s gotta have it, it sadly being ring time. Coach immediately starts bitching about the size disparity, ha ha. Clotheslines and shit. Vis stops and plays to the crowd before slapping Antonio’s chest, like a morbidly obese Hardcore Holly. Or a morbidly obese Big Show. So…just Big Show, I guess. A Samoan Drop is set up. Shockingly, he does not do the “kind of fall over and kick kick,” which I had so been wanting to see live. Romeo jumps onto Vis’ back like a crazed female valet, and is dealt with accordingly. Coach wants Antonio to make a hot tag to Pocket Rocket. PR does indeed run in, throws Curly Howard/Dusty Rhodes bunches o’ punches, stops to lean over and wheeze for breath, and then throws some more. I feel no shame in finding that awesome. Wheezing Wheeze, by the way. Vis no-sells the attack and throws PR over the top onto Romeo. Antonio attacks from behind, and that goes about as well as you might expect. Antonio is downed, so Viscera gets on all fours to allow Cloacas to attempt a heavily, heavily modified Poetry in Motion. If Viscera is involved, you have to call it Porketry inSlow Motion. Cloacas climbs onto Viscera (yuck,) slips off (ha,) and climbs back up to hit this really weak-ass splash. Which is clearly enough to finish Antonio, who Vis covers for 3. Cloacas does an awful dance.
An ambulance arrives. Maybe. Or maybe Kane is just projecting thoughts of ambulances into my mind again.
Here’s a video package on the late Lord Alfred Hayes, whom I feel sure would have been a real favorite of the WV staff had we been around blowing every little thing the mid-80’s equivalents of Josh Mathews said way out of proportion. Carving rebeaks into stone tablets. No mention of Mr. Freeze or his freezer bars are made. Wow, Hayes was, like, old. Didn’t he know pain-killer addiction and early death is mandatory in this business?
Commercials. It didn’t occur to me until I read the latest Velocibeak, in which Joey Mercury is equated with that YuGiOh guy, but squeaky-voiced Amy Anderson yelling about “doing it for Serenity” might be the best thing ever. Come to think of it, when Usagi’s femmy power is pushed up to like Super Saiyan 3, she gets a formal dress and becomes “Neo Queen Serenity.” But she isn’t blind. Her eyes are too huge and wobbly to be blind.
Yeah, that’s all I need, to decide Joey Mercury is somehow related to Amy Anderson. Everyone is related to the Anderson’s somehow. We’re all descended from Adam and Eve Anderson. The original Double A. And his rib.
Our Deuce Bigelow Unneeded Sequel of the Week is Carlito hitting Shelton in Shelton’s huge, huge penis.
I, I, AM A LITTLE BITCH talks angray-like at DEUCE BISCHILOFF, MALE…BISCHILOFF, which is never a good idea. Haha, Shelton calls Carlito a “little applebiter.” He’s not afraid of all your little apple-biting. Bischoff makes Shelton vs Masters and Snitsky in a handicap match. Great. Shelton says Bischoff has bad breath OH IT’S AWN NOW!
A PARODY OF LILLIAN GARCIA asks I ONCE HELD A CONCERT IN EUROPE THAT WAS ATTENDED BY OVER A BILLION GIGOLOS if any of “other Muppets” will be accompanying Fozzy tonight. Does Big Show count as a Muppet? Jericho insults her, which is somehow heelish instead of babyfacish when Cena does it. Jericho wonders what a limp bizkit is. Jericho declares himself the “Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah.” Good one. He needs to team up with Hassan. Now Jericho pretends like he’s gonna headbutt Maria, but doesn’t. What the fuck was that? Now some absolutely awful song plays. Oh, there’s Cena’s voice. The entire arena was like “What the fuck?” when that happened.
Commercials. Amy could even say “Well la-de-da, aren’t you brilliant” in a New York accent. It would be beautiful.
Lillian sucks up to Cleveland briefly before THE CHAIN GANG IS GOOD PEOPLE perform “Bad Man.” Guess their other songs are just too awful for TV. Chucky Shuffle is the best, though Copyright is also clearly better than Cena. Cena doesn’t even come in on all the choruses. HEADBUTT COMING! PSYCHE! comes out after it’s over and bows out of the contest because the crowd is biased. I can’t call it a bait and switch when I had no interest in the bait. Jericho talks for a billion years. Jericho: “Ok, so I suck!” He declares himself “the true, bad, bad, man,” which is funny. Cena and his idiots rap some more. I wasn’t watching Mideon, but he was probably marking out. At least for “knock your shell off.”
Hogan Knows Best crap. He talks about how he’s in better shape than all the current stars. That’s why he did nothing but Big Boots at Wrestlemania.
Shawn Michaels wanders around backstage, sees himself in a mirror, and screams for “make-up” comically. Was the supposed to make sense?
Commercials. Not for Hogan Knows Best. This Dukes of Hazzard ad will clearly spark tons of discussion at The Cubs Fan’s site.
Get It Poppin’. Featuring Nelly, but primarily the fault of Fat Joe. Get it poppin’ for Fat Serenity ova heah.
MAYBE I SHOULD FORM A STABLE AROUND FAT JOE AND MAKE THEM FEUD WITH MR. PERFECT’S CORPSE is backstage with CARLITO, I LIKE YOUR SHIRT! Bischoff starts bitching about Cena, and Carlito responds with typical in-character awesomeness by not really caring. Bischoff makes Cena vs Carlito tonight, and the new, RAW Carlito is indifferent instead of terrified. Bischoff says if Carlito wins, he gets a title shot. Now that’s…cool. Bischoff makes Jericho the special guest referee. Carlito: “You know what? Have an apple, Mr. Bischoff.” Haha. Carlito gets all excited and tries to talk with his mouth full. Somebody get William Regal, Goodwill Ambassador and Manners Expert, STAT!
HEARTBREAKU POWAH…MAAAAAAKE-UP! is out. HBK sez he would call out Hogan, but Hogan is off promoting his new show. The fans boo. HBK: “So you’ve seen it?” Heh. HBK is an old-fashioned fag who doesn’t want his own TV show, or horrible movie set on Mega Mountain. HBK talks about how Hogan is living off a reputation he made twenty years ago and is boring and shitty and blah blah blah. He’s right, but I turned on him when he went all “the boyz in the back are freaking out I’m totally off-script it’s a SHOOT OMG.” He could have just said everything he said without pretending it’s SO REAL. Fucking stupid. “Whatcha gonna do when the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels won’t lay down for you!?” Shut up.
We see highlights of Eugene winning the Special Olympics. I have to admit, marked the fuck out for the “Eugene Invitational” graphic.
Commercials. I watched the first segment of Heat. I like how Coach gets all belligerent when Todd doesn’t buy into Conway’s con.
Here’s an exterior shot of the Gund Arena, which I thought sounded like “Gundam Arena.” I bring the funnay! I SUCK (TOES) is already in the ring. BOOKER T, PLEASE LEND ME ALL YOUR LITTLE MASTERLOCK-BREAKING POWER comes out next, as for some reason the last introduction goes to THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF HERE. IT’LL BE DARK SOON. THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF HERE. IT’LL BE DARK SOON. We didn’t discuss it, but I imagine Sofa and Mideon were, like me, mildly disappointed that we didn’t get to hear Masters trying to work the mic. I said something like “If Masters chokes Shelton out with the Masterlock, I will shoot myself in the face.” Oh, heh, Mideon and I kept making shush noises during Masters’ intro. Coach sounds like he’s gonna frickin’ orgasm watching Masters pose. Shelton and Snitsky start. Benjamin dodges whatever and clotheslines Snitsky to the floor. Masters charges, and gets back body dropped to the floor. Shelton goes up top, and does some crazy flippity plancha onto both men. Now he gets up and beats his chest while screaming like a maniac. Back in, and Snitsky somehow has the advantage. Tag to Masters for double-team stomping. Front chancery by Masters. Shelton punches his way out, and gets a Samoan Drop. JR talks about golden gophers. Eugene is so retarded, he doesn’t even know what they’re made of. Shelton attacks Snitsky on the apron. He dodges something by Masters and sets him up for the Stingar Splash. The ref misses Snitsky big booting Shelton. Now Snitsky calls for the Masterlock. Haha, Snitsky’s smile is so endearing. Masters locks on the Masterlock. Shelton fights for awhile (Lawler: “He’s still alive!”) but eventually he’s choked out because RAW is horrible. Excuse me, I have to go shoot myself in the face. Some fan in a La Parka mask is clapping. Jerk. Hey, Zach isn’t the one who decided La Parka means “The Parka,” is he? Masters won’t release the hold, but I STARTED MY RUN-IN AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MATCH AND AM JUST NOW ARRIVING comes in to save with a big boot…on Snitsky. JR: “Get you some, Masters!” Masters flees the Big Show. And his stench. Big Show heals Shelton with his tender touch.
Commercials. In UFC, when you hit a guy, their bones glow red.
Time for Diva Search Crap. This week, a hot dog eating contest. Nothing especially erotic about this from the balcony, so let’s see if being able to see their mouths helps. Some slut is voted off before we start, and Lawler laments how she may have been the greatest hot dog eater of them all. The girls start. The fans boo. JR: “The girls have to eat the entire hot dog. And the bun.” Lawler: “And the bun!?!?” The girls try to bounce and act sexay, but it isn’t working. It takes each one like twenty years to eat a hot dog. Coach declares it a tie between two of them. Lawler: “This is great!” Leyla…wins, I guess. She does gangster hand signs. After eating a hot dog. They took a bunch of HOTT BLONDZ eating phallics symbol, and made it totally non-sexy. Greg can’t even enjoy his fictional picture of Amy eating a banana now. Well, of course the picture is fictional, as Greg and Amy are fictional. But the picture is even fictional in their universe. It’s super fictional. Next week, “Queen of the Mountain.” That will surely take forever.
Commercials. The Great Raid is about a bunch of GIs rescuing POWs from a Japanese POW camp. Here’s a tip to my pal Sofa: find some other movie to go see with Sakoda. Something with John Cusack.
Our…Something of the Week has the MXC music and features Edge winning another stupid match with Kane.
It’s time for the Stretcher Match! Whee! Because the WWE is so fucking stupid, this stretcher match askews the whole idea of “beating your opponent until the only way they can get out is on a stretcher” and has newer, retardeder rules that involve pushing the stretcher with your opponent on it across a finish line at the top of the ramp. THE USUAL COLLECTION OF IDIOTS essentially all come out together, as Kane attacks Edge from behind while he and Lita are just kind of loitering at the top of the ramp. Lawler: “Oh my gosh, Kane didn’t even wait for the bell!” Gosh! Golly! Edge ends up in the ring, getting elbowed in the corner as the fans chant for Matt Hardy. Edge goes to the eyes to take over. Coach: “Tonight, we may see it worse than we’ve ever seen it before!” Later: “It’s gonna be brutal!” Coach discusses the “demarcation mark” as Edge gives Kane shoulderblocks. Kane takes over and chucks Edge to the floor. Kick. Edge’s head gets slammed into the steps. Punching. Edge gets his head slammed into the barricade. The fans ignore the match and mug for the camera. Here’s a shot of Lita. Coach claims Kane and Lita never “did anything” while they were married. That baby Snitsky killed was an immaculate conception. SNITSKY KILLED JESUS. Kane throws Edge into more stuff. He puts him on the stretcher and chokes him. Now he pulls the stretcher towards what JR is now calling the “line of demarcation.” Edge tries to get off, Kane punches him, and now Kane shrugs off winning the match quickly and pointlessly by “shoving” the stretcher down the ramp. It slowly, slowly rolls towards the ring, and eventually tips over before hitting the ring, dumping Edge on the floor. You may as well take a nap while you’re down there Edge, it can’t be less exciting than this epic battle. JR: “Can Edge survive this stretcher match!?” No.
Commercials. Announcer: “On the next Super Agent, the agents start to playa hate on each other!” Suddenly, I want to kill myself.
We’re back, and Edge is choking Kane with a cable. During the break, Edge gave Kane his old Edgeutainment finisher on the steps. Then he hit him with steps. Back in the ring, Kane ignores a suplex attempt and…kinda…slams Edge. I guess. Top rope clothesline. Signalling for the Goozle, but Lita comes in with a chair. Kane gets it away from her, but gets speared by Edge. Coach: “You gotta pay attention. How many times is Kane gonna be distracted by Lita?” Don’t point out how stupid this is, Coach. Edge puts Kane on the stretcher, but Kane grabs his throat from the stretcher. Shades of every Casket Match ever. Lita hits Kane with a kendo stick. Edge has the stick, and hits Kane with it. JR claims Lita just saved Edge from being chokeslammed to Hell. Where he could hang out with Muhammad Hassan. Edge poses, and breaks the stick. Which is stupid. Edge puts Kane’s neck in a folding chair. JR: “That’s takin’ it too far here! We’re talking about breaking a man’s neck! Or destroying his voice box!” Hahahahaha. Even death is better than having your voice box destroyed! It would be awful if he had to go back to using that electronic voice synthesizer he stopped needing for no reason. But Edge goes up top, so Kane just does the I Guess Maybe I Was A Zombie At Some Point Sit-Up and kills him with the chair. JR: “It is high, it is far, it is gone!” Rob Van Dam? JR: “Lita’s not preening around so much! She’s not so jovial!” Coach: “I think she’s wondering what she can do at this point.” She could die. Edge tries to crawl into the ring, but Kane chokeslams him onto the stretcher. Edge bounces off. JR starts yelling about the demarcation line. The fans chant “Holy Shit.” I can name three attendees who were not amongst them. JR: “Edge, more destroyed perhaps than that stretcher.” Kane carefully puts the mattress pad back on the stretcher before putting Edge on it. Great strategy, since Edge will surely wake up if he isn’t nice and comfy. Lita hits Kane with the briefcase, so Kane s-l-o-w-l-y chases her up the ramp. Goozle, but Edge is back and makes the save with the briefcase. A few more briefcase shots, and now Edge is carefully placing the mattress pad back on the stretcher. Kane is in position, and Edge and Lita pull the stretcher up. Kane briefly rises to goozle Lita, but Edge casually hit him with the briefcase again and quickly pulls the stretcher those last few inches. Ok, that was pretty funny. Kane does another Sweaty Guy Sit-Up like one second after losing and kills Edge. Now Kane pulls Lita up and Tombstones her on the…um…whatever the entryway is made of. It’s a good thing that wasn’t Linda, or we’d have another ten year Shane/Kane feud. HE DOESN’T EVEN WORK HERE finally “sneak” attacks Edge. Matt, while being held back by security: “YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!” Dude, I think you’re thinking of the Undertaker.
Commercials. I may still be able to beat Heat. Oops, guess not.
Backstage, Lita is loaded into an ambulance. Shockingly, Kane is the driver. He drives off, without closing the door. So…Lita could just go flying out of there on the highway at 90 miles per hour! Let’s hope. I sure hope Kane found a trained paramedic to transmit thoughts of how you operate an ambulance directly into his brain. Coach: “When is enough enough?” JR: “Exactly! I will agree with that! Enough is enough! Enough is enough!” That’s not what he said.
Holy shit, did JR just say “Jiminy Christmas?” Now he discusses Juicy Drop Pops. But not as well as Lord Alfred Hayes would have.
Oops, they put “ICON” under the Legend and “LEGEND” under the Icon. Wait, no they didn’t. McMahon says “Hulkamania” means different things to different people. That’s true, anyway. To me, it means *insert something wacky here.*
Hey, it’s like a vagina!
Commercials. Order the Great American Bash replay. Pour salt in your wounds. I actually hated it less than my compatriots, because I merely thought it was brutally boring.
We’re back with the main event. SHE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HEADBUTT BUT IT WAS A CON/HEAD-FAAAAAKE is our special guest referee. JR makes “limber tail” a verb. He’s as mad at Jericho as those little kids I’m supposed to tell you about were mad at JBL. SOFA DIDN’T BUY MY SHIRT. DAT’S NOT COOL is out. In his shirt. There are some pro-Carlito signs. That one looks suspiciously like it’s pimping the shirt. Sofa must not have seen that shirt (Mideon and I bought shirts, you see, but after saying he would, Sofa revealed it was a con and did not buy a shirt.) MIDEON BOUGHT LIKE FIFTY OF MY FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS arrives. If I’m gonna be a dick at Sofa’s expense, I should spread it around. Spread my dick around. I don’t know. DA BISCH watches from the entryway. Coach: “We’ll hug later!” I tried to start a “Carlito” chant, but the kids behind me kept throwing in “sucks.” But that’s nothing next to how they screamed for JBL’s head. Yikes. Lock-up, Carlito forces Cena into the corner. Carlito tries to throw a cheap-shot on the break, but Cena ducks it and takes over with punches. Back body drop, and one quarter of Cena’s arsenal has already been expended. Cena’s whip reversed, and Cena runs right into a back elbow. Cena goes outside, but Carlito gives him a double-axehandle from the apron. It was amusingly weak. Carlito rolls Jericho in and gets a chair, but Jericho SHOCKINGLY takes it away. Cena clotheslines Carlito for 2. Cena punches. Carlito sent into the corner, Cena charges but IT WAS A CON and Carlito escapes. Cena punches him around anyway as JR wonders if Jericho is “old school” enough to call this match down the middle out of respect for the title. The Spinny Retardo Title that isn’t on the line. Carlito slips out of whatever and gets a DDT (aka The Shaft) for a long 2. WV, in it’s entirety, screamed at Jericho to stop with the slow counts. Coachman: “Both of you be quiet.” Carlito punches and shit, and covers for 2. Snap-suplex, and another 2 count. Cena punches his way back, but runs into a flapjack. The Apple Jack. Ninja Chokeout by Carlito. Lawler: “I remember earlier, during the Battle of the Bands, Cena gave a pretty moving performance, didn’t he?” Coach: “People were actually moving towards the exits, that’s what they were doing!” Lawler: “Oh! Coach!” Carlito slaps the Ninja Chokeout back on. Cena powers out. Carlito throws some knees, sends Cena into the corner, and charges into an elbow. Cena responds by charging into a dropkick. Carlito covers for 2, and drools all over himself. Lawler: “Both of these guys are champions…but Carlito has the coolest hair.” Coach: “I cannot wait to see Jericho and Carlito go one on one at Summerslam.” Carlito with a Modified Ego Trip for 2. JR: “Cena will not die here!” The Modified Ego Trip has been known to kill. Carlito tries a suplex, but Cena blocks and counters with a suplex. Carlito rakes the eyes. Carlito with a whip, Cena reverses…but Carlito reverses the reversal and gets…the Downward Spiral? Weird. It gets 2. Carlito goes back to the Goddamned Ninja Chokeout, Cena fights out again, and…runs into a kneelift by Carlito. Coach applauds. JR: “Everything tastes better with barbeque sauce.” That line is better if you don’t have the context. Punches traded for a bit, and that goes Cena’s way. Some fucktard in the crowd starts hopping up and down mugging for the camera. Cena goes for the Two And A Half Moves Of Doom. Hiptoss. That one move. JR calls it the “Powerbomb Slam.” YCSM, FKS, and Cena considers pumping up the shoes. F-U set up, but Jericho goes through a SHOCKING HEEL TURN by kicking Cena in the nuts. Bulldog, Lionsault. Carlito covers for 3. Fan sign: “I LIKE GREEN BEANS.” We join Carlito’s music, already in progress. I can tell because we don’t hear him spit. And…that’s the show. After the cameras turned off, Bischoff declared that Cena’s voyage to Hell would continue, as WAS ONCE…OLYMPIC CHAMPION and JERK BORING LAME invade. Bischoff flying Bradshaw out to kill Cena kinda makes sense. Cena getting a surprise partner in the form of I AM NOT THE ROCK, not so much. They had a match which was pretty fun. Kurt showed us his ass. And Bradshaw didn’t want to go in the ring at some point, so these little kids just EXPLODED with rage. One of them seemed to come really close to dropping an F-bomb before realizing his parents were there.
Final Thoughts: Man, and I gotta rebeak another RAW tomorrow. Anyway, this RAW was actually pretty decent, as Carlito’s victory saved it in a big, big way. And I got to eat Arby’s Jalapeño Bites or whatever they call them. Dat’s cool.
