ÿþ<HTML> <HEAD> <TITLE>Raw Rebeak for July 18, 2005</TITLE> </HEAD> <BODY BGCOLOR="#000000"> <CENTER> <TABLE WIDTH="750" BORDER="0" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF"> <TR> <TD> <CENTER> <FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="5"> <center><BR><A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/jglenno1/EIW_EandC.html"><IMG SRC="http://www.weeklyvisitor.com/stuff/jg.jpg"></A></center><p><CENTER> <FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="5"> <B>RAW Rebeak</B> <BR><FONT FACE="ARIAL NARROW" SIZE="2">Airdate July 18, 2005 <BR>ECW. ECW. ECW.<TABLE BORDER="0" WIDTH="600"> <TR> <TD WIDTH="30%" ALIGN="LEFT" VALIGN="TOP"> <BR><BR><FONT face="VERDANA, ARIAL" SIZE="2"><DIV ALIGN="JUSTIFY"><p> Sometimes work is really annoying. We ve only got two computers for people to rent because corporate is so damned cheap. And one of them goes down because the guys who live four time zones away and magically control our software updates schedule two conflicting updates to happen at the same time that completely fouls up the extra-expensive rental station with all the decent software on it. So I have to go in and spend about two hours manually reinstalling everything on this computer because the  technical support guys broke something that was working just fine. The second time I m doing this (the first time, they forgot after I called in to cancel the conflicting upgrades so the computer was up for about ten minutes before the automatic upgrade kicked in and screwed everything up again) there s this girl using the cheapo station to try and research something online. And she s been just bitching really loud about nothing in particular the whole time I ve been trying to redo the expensive system without drawing attention to myself so people will ask me which button makes copies. And eventually she just turns to me and says,  You need to get some computers that work! The whole internet just died on this! Yes, you may have heard this already, but earlier today the whole internet died. It turns out the website she visited had exceeded it s transfer limit, as a kindly coworker convinced her by getting her to visit ANY OTHER WEBSITE, but she had already decided the whole internet died. I guess Brok Leznar finally killed someone on it and did some collateral damage. <p> <b>DRAGONBALL Z:</b> I haven t watched two episodes in sequence in years (I saw a little GT but that doesn t count,) but if you ve ever wondered why anyone likes it, the Monday through Thursday evening run of DBZ Uncut just got to a good part. Nappa and Vegeta just arrived on Earth to thoroughly rape the heroes. Even Piccolo is royally outclassed. Nappa does most of the work while Vegeta just sits there smirking, which is awesome. Like Homer Simpson said about the white-suited Yakuza guy, he s just standing there, and you know when he finally does something it s gonna be really cool. When Goku shows up, it turns into a weird anime rip-off of Superman 2. Only Nappa is smarter than Non, Vegeta has a better sense of humor than Zod, and of course there s no Ursa. A pity, that. If you re wondering what  uncut means, I imagine they will get bloody as they fight, instead of just looking dirty. Oh, and apparently the Yankee devils who edited DBZ way back when removed some plot-filler like Gohan befriending a robot that immediately dies and is never referenced again. Like the robot version of Lita s best friend ever who she donated blood to. Or a slightly less important robot version of Amy s Psychic Companion Greg. I always thought the Saiyan Saga moved faster than the awful Majin Buu stuff, but maybe it was just because no one was listening to the pursists and keeping all the filler yet. <p> <b>SAILOR MOON:</b> I wasn t in the mood for anime over Monday lunch, but then TNG was that one where Troi gets knocked up by glowing, flying space semen and has this genius baby who becomes six years old in like twenty minutes and fuck all stupid Troi episodes. So I watched the Sailor Moon ep where Mina and Mimette compete in some contest (that involves a lot of standing around) to see who would become a hot new movie star. No one won. Huh. But it did feature Dr. Tomo cheering Mimette up by saying,  Don t worry Mimette, tomorrow is another day. When darkness can rule. He s a pip, that one. <p> <b>DYNASTY WARRIORS:</b> All the musou story modes feature  history (nobody seems to know what really happened to most of these people) being tweaked in the favor of whoever you won the game with. Stupid Sun Jian is supposed to die on his second of eight story mode missions, for example. And I think Guan Yu would be pleased to see his adopted son Guan Ping (haha what an awful name PING PONG I HATE YOU GUAN) honorably pimpin and mackin with Xing Cai, since Xing Cai is the daughter of Guan Yu s sworn brother Zhang Fei. Zhang Fei would be pleased with his daughter s choice of a sugar daddy as well, if he was more than dimly aware that he has a daughter. <p> I ve done it again, blogged about nothing until almost midnight. Well, I ve got my laptop back and I taped the whole show, but I m probably gonna half-ass this at least a little. Can t really start a string of normalbeaks now anyway. You see, next week s RAW is gonna be a little different. I ve actually made plans to travel all the way to Cleveland to see it, LIVE. Which is why it s a shame all signs point to it being a shitty show. <p> Thank you for your constant screaming, Sam. <p> We are live from Philly, the cheese steak capital of the world. Combining meat with cheese& what will they think of next? <b>JOHN CENA, PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL S OFFICE</b> has his music playing and he comes out. He must be coming to protest the lack of a Bischoff face at the end of the opening. Lillian Garcia:  The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the Interconti&  Bischoff:  Hold on, hold on. OMG BISCHOFF JUST INTERRUPTED HIS OWN IC TITLE SHOT! I spit in the face, of people, who stopped coloring their hair. Bischoff, shockingly, wants to punish Cena for last week, when Cena gave him the F-Bottom-Stunner. I hope this all leads to John Cena being a wacky co-general manager of RAW. That would be great. Bischoff punishes Cena by booking him in a match with Gene Snitski, who hasn t won a match in EIGHT BILLION YEARS. And it s a fucking Lumberjack Match. Lumberjack Matches always equal loads of excitement! I mean excrement! <p> Kane vs Edge tonight. I m as shocked as you are. This week, it s in a steel cage. Next week, maybe it will be a fucking Tuxedo Match. Yeah, this is gonna be one of those rebeaks, the  fucking rebeaks. Where I use the word  fucking instead of making jokes. KILLSWITCH! ANGRY! What is it about Kane that necessitates all of his feuds dragging out for three months and having at least four shitty gimmick matches? Is it some kind of familial trait of the& uh& whatever family the Brothers of Destruction are from? The O Destructions? <p> Ok Lillian, now you can introduce the IC title match. <b>I SPIT IN THE FACE, OF PEOPLE, WHO EXPECT ME TO CARRY THE ENTIRE CLEVELAND RAW</b> is introduced first because tradition blows. He spit in the face, of people, who think the champ is announced second. Oh, this is a match where count-outs can cost you the title, so Carlito will have to get himself intentionally disqualified. He s slowly morphing into the Honky Tonk Man. Normally that would be a good thing, but Carlito is already cool. I will probably buy his stupid shirt next week. Which I can then never wear. Lillian says  Carlito all Hispanicly. Fan sign:  Carlito fears oranges. <b>WHAT A COINCIDENCE, I AM FROM ORANGEBERG, VILLAGE OF ORANGES</b> is out to not regain his title. Actually, this feud is really starting to generate a Randy Savage/Honky Tonk Man vibe. We could conceivably see Shelton elevated from IC Title to WWE Title contention once he s been cheated by Carlito enough times that people start seeing the belt as Triple C s. I m really not excited about this, but it ll probably be my favorite match all night. Carlito clubbers early. He sends Shelton into the ropes and elbow him on the rebound. Punching away in the corner. He whips Shelton into a corner, but runs right into a clothesline. Scoop slam by Shelton. He sends Carlito to the corner, and hits the Stingar Splash. Carlito bails. Shelton tries to hop up unto the top turnbuckle, he loses his footing visibly, but recovers and gets a clothesline. Shades of Elix Skipper there. Hey, that kinda offense looks awesome when it works. Here s a replay. Carlito back in first, but Shelton enters with a springboard shoulderblock. Carlito rolls out, grabs his belt, and takes a walk. The ref is counting with extra enthusiasm, and Carlito eventually realizes his mistake. I love how in all  titles change hands on a countout matches, we need to have that hammered home at least once like that. Because we re stupid. Carlito slides in, and immediately rolls back out. He stupidly jaws with a fan, so Benjamin gives him a clothesline off the apron. Shelton sends Carlito in, and gets a top-rope clothesline for a long 2. Shelton sends Carlito to the corner, Carlito comes out but a charging Shelton leapfrogs him and lands on the top rope, so Carlito immediately turns around and knocks his feet out from under him. Shelton goes down pretty damned hard and ends up in the Tree of Whoa I Committed A Lot Of Crimes In My Youth. He s a criminal. Puppies. Carlito with a modified Ninja Chokeout. It s kinda of a rear-naked choke. But he s really just hugging him from behind. Shelton fights out, and they trade punches for awhile. Shelton takes over with clotheslines as JR drops facts the other commentators aren t allowed to discuss about Carlito being from Puerto Rico (instead of  The Caribbean ) and how his Daddy is famous. Carlito gets alley-ooped. Benjamin tries to monkey flip Carlito out of the corner, but Carlito blocks& and puts his feet on the ropes! THAT S HIS MOVE, TONY! It gets 2. Carlito kicks Benjamin to set up a DDT! THAT S HIS MOVE, TONY! But not really and it gets 2. Benjamin elbows his way out of something, but runs right into& I forget what that move is called. Carlito kinda lifted Shelton up and then fell sideways, dropping Shelton on his face. It gets 2, whatever it is. The Cabanabomb. Carlito tries to pulls Shelton up, but gets small cradled for 2. Carlito tries some fancy roll-up, holds the tights, but still gets just 2. Carlito catches a kick (idiot,) MONEY CLIP! Carlito sells it beautifully, by doing a 180, bouncing into the ropes, turning another 180 degrees (or À radians) to complete the turn, and wandering right into position for the Exploder! Which he avoids by dropping to his knees and throwing an uppernutter in plain sight of the ref. I called it, DQ. I m so smart. Haha, there s this episode from S where one of the Witches 5 sees Amy transform into Sailor Mercury ands says something like,  Haha, I knew you had to be a Sailor Scout! to which Merc goes,  Well la-de-da, aren t you brilliant. A good-natured smart girl who hangs out with the four friends she hangs out with has to be biting back lines like that all the time. Anyway, yeah, I sure do apologize for going from uppernutter to Sailor Mercury so quickly. Carlito s post-uppernutter smile was pretty awesome. <p> Here s a replay of Shawn Michaels superkicking Rowdy Roddy Piper. Which Wrestlemania 1 superstar will fall victim to the superkick tonight? Mr. T? Special Delivery Jones? I m guessing they won t be from the Andre vs Studd match. <p> Commercials. Spike has a new show called Super Asia!? Wow, finally, a Spike TV original that might actually be inter& wait, no. NO. It s Super Agent. Because Spike wants to cash in on the popularity of Arli$$, which was CANCELLED YEARS AGO. No one would even remember if it weren t for the pathetic Nitro tie-in. Well, and using dollar signs for S s was pretty memorable, I guess. If only Sports Night had had the sense to call itself $port$ Night. They don t have to be capital S s. His name wasn t ArliSS. <p> WHOA. This is NUTS. Ok, so, Shelton Benjamin is appearing at Crazy John s Tire House and Rims, which is crazy enough. CAUSE I M CRAZY! But in order to promote it, my local cable company pulled out an ad for Heat. ON MTV.  WWE Sunday Night Heat on MTV! Spend your Sundays with these masters of disaster as they take it to the ring to claim their titles of toughness! Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Undertaker, Crash, the Hardy Boyz, and many more! WWE Sunday Night Heat! Sundays at 7, 6 central! Only on MTV! Jesus. The visuals include all the guys mentioned (be they dead or Charismatic Enigmas) as well Road Dogg, PLANET MOTHERFUCKING STASIAK, and Golddust. <p> Our Devil s Rejects of the Week are Kurt Angle and that Teacher/Wrestler guy. Not Maven, or Spike, or whoever the fuck used to be a teacher. Don t take my use of  fuck the wrong way, as I like both Maven and Spike. Kinda. I m just angry. <p> <b>MY KURT ANGLE INVITATIONAL IS CHANGING RAW& INTO SMACKDOWN</b> says he intentionally let the jobber almost win last week so it would be more exciting. Then he makes fun of the Eagles. Our hometown hero is <b>THAT VOICE& WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT VOICE?</b> It s the same dude as last week, but he lies and claims to be Philadelphia and to have a totally different last name. Liar McLiarton. Angle:  First of all, don t ever take my microphone away from me! Ever! It s his security microphone. He can t sleep unless he s holding it. Kurt says he won t face him again, but then he sneak attacks. JR:  You nailed this young kid from behind, Kurt! Sexy. Coach:  This kid, two weeks in a row, will be dominated by Kurt Angle! If that s what he wants! The liar gets like one hold in, which our commentators get all excited about. He s going for a blatant choke, and JR thinks that s great. Oh yuck, Kurt s all snothery. Eventually Kurt escapes, and wins via tap-out with 24 seconds left. Coach:  Who do ya root for now JR?  Come on kid, you can do it, the kid can t do it, that s Kurt Angle! Lawler says Kurt likes  a little drama. He s not afraid of all your little dramas. JR:  I gotta a lot of respect for Matt Striker, Matt Martel s guts. Haha, he doesn t know what to call the liar. <p> Great, Diva Search Stuff is next. I hope they keep this to a minimum in Cleveland. <p> Commercials.  Professional Wedding Crashers. Who the fuck is supposed to be paying them to crash weddings? You can t just use  professional to mean  good, God damn it. <p> <b>YOU VE GOT MOXIE, YOUNG GOAT</b> and <b>WHORE</b> summon <b>MORE WHORES</b> for this week s Diva bullshit. Earlier today, everyone got 30 seconds to tell us who they would choose to eliminate. The first one has really stupid hair. Lawler:  Wow! Ashley dissin on Cameron! I find that hilarious somehow. By the fourth one, which has lots of pauses and is really nice, the fans are chanting  BORING. Haha, you can hear Christy off-mic telling the fans to cut it out. One of them tries to be heelish by making fun of last week, but I can t remember what happened last week with& painting or something. Wow, this one manages to sound even stupider than the rest. None of this was at all not awful. The fans continue to chant  BORING. Simona got cut. Lawler:  Oh no, Simona! Summer got her wish! Hahaha, he s actually paying attention. <p> Commercials. The greatest fight ever is Yusuke Urameshi vs& I don t know who that is. Younger Toguro looked cooler before he busted out stupid-looking demon muscles. And when he wore a shirt. <p> The Boogeryman. If this doesn t fall flat on it s face, I will eat my own head. <p> Haha, Boogeryman. What joy you ve given us all, errant lowercase r. <p> <b>BARRY  HOLE IN ONE DARSOW</b> is actually Kerwin White. He s talking to <b>YOU KNOW, BARRY  HOLE IN ONE DARSOW WAS PROBABLY MY IDEA</b> about golf. The Bisch thinks Kerwin should try joining the country club at Scotsdale Arizona. Kerwin,  That s nice, but it s a little too close to the border if you know what I mean. Yeah, Taco Bells tend to really stink up a neighborhood. Now <b>TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR</b> shows up. That s Jericho. Burn. He and Kerwin share a really white high-five before Chavito goes off to wonder if he wouldn t be better off in an Amway gimmick.  If it isn t white, it isn t right. Jericho says  toodles. HILARITY ENSUES. Jericho and Bischoff then set up a  Battle of the Bands next week on RAW. GOD DAMN IT. <p> <b>I SUPERKICK THE FACE, I PEOPLE, WHO WANT TO BE OLDER THAN ME</b> is interviewed by <b>MR. NOSEY</b>. HBK acts scared, but it s a faaaake! Then he says he must have kicked Hogan pretty hard if it put him out for two weeks. Heh. Then& I stop caring. <p> Commercials. Crazy John s, the Tire House that sees dead people. <p> I hear the Teen Titans went to see the local high school s presentation of the musical  Oklahoma, and halfway through Starfire suddenly exclaimed  This is not the West Side Story! <p> <b>THE DISASTERPIECE CHRIS DISASTERS</b> is so rude, he interrupted some commercial. Lawler tells JR to be quiet, at length, when JR never really said anything. Coach tells Lawler to be quiet. Haha. Coach:  You can see his intercostals! Long pause. JR:  All right. Lawler:  His interwhat? JR:  What the Hell is intercostals? Coach calls Masters a  mesomorph. I think. It came out  mesomar, and that s not a word as near as I can tell. I spent about ten minutes on the stupid online dictionary trying to find it. A mesomorph is  someone with a robust, muscular build while a mesomere (the closest thing I could find to  mesomar ) is  the middle zone of the mesoderm of a chordate embryo, from which excretory tissue develops. So I m thinking he meant mesomorph. JR:  It sounds like you re enamored with this man! Coach:  I think he s fantastic, I looked up all these words on him! Masters:  You know, it s been over three months now, and still no one has broken my Masterlock submission. Tell me about it. He ups the money to twenty grand. Haha, a  Masterlock Challenge graphic with the new total comes up. <b>I ONCE BROKE A MASTERLOCK WHEN MAMMA PADLOCKED THE FRIDGE</b> comes out. Rosey, not Big Show. It s a good thing Chris Masters tells us Rosey is one half of the tag team champions. Because, and I m being dead serious here, I d have had no idea otherwise. So, anyway, Rosey gets in the chair, and Masters doesn t cheapshot him or anything, he just puts it on, and chokes Rosey out. Like we were seriously supposed to get excited about the possibility of motherfucking Rosey ending this brutally painful streak. Masters:  The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and it doesn t matter how big you are&  <b>WELLLLLL, IT S WEEKS TOO LATE FOR ANYONE TO CARE</b> invades because someone said  big. Show sits in the chair. Masters does the  would you folks like to see this? routine, then backs out OMG HEEEEEELL I hate this. Show:  You see Chris Masters, you re just like a squirrel in the wintertime. You got no nuts. Big Show deeply pities those squirrels. Lawler:  Is that what intercostals are? Hahaha, a rare good line from Lawler. Big Show signals the chokeslam. Remember weeks ago, when I suggested Big Show s first surprise appearance as a RAW draftee be this exact segment? And instead, he had a completely nothing first segment, a few weeks of jack squat, and then this brutally telegraphed Masterlock segment instead? Yeah. <p> <b>THE ARCHBISHOP OF NOSEYBURY</b> tries to interview <b>ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY, THAT A HARDY WILL ATTACK</b>. He neglects to mention the presence of <b>MAYBE I CAN STILL GET BACK THAT BLOOD I DONATED TO MY BEST FRIEND EVER</b>. I don t know why, but I love callbacks to non-jokes from my bloggish intros from like eight pages back. Anyway, Todd doesn t mention Lita, so Edge takes exception to his  girlfriend being ignored. So& have they already forgotten the wedding? Edge  shoots on Hardy. Take off your shades, gentlemen.  You look confused, more confused than usual Todd, what, you don t know what I m talking about? You don t know who I m talking about? You know the person I m not supposed to talk about. You know the person that couldn t separate their personal and professional lives and he got fired because of it! You know the person who called when Lita was on WWE.com on Byte This this week, made a complete immature ass of himself, COME ON TODD, YOU WERE HOSTING THE SHOW! Hahaha. He eventually goes on to yell about geeks behind their keyboards commenting on his life, and that this whole situation is buhleep. Say what you will, but Edge does a pretty good angry psycho promo. Letting him do all the talking for the heel team is a pretty wise move. <p> Hulk answers HBK s challenge next. Well, it isn t the main event, anyway. Oh God, the main event is gonna Cena vs Snitski. Throw me a fucking bone here, RAW. God I miss Smackdown. <p> Commercials. Hogan disses Burger King. Hogan vs The Burger King, ONE MORE MATCH! <p> <b>VH1 S BIGGEST STAR SINCE MO ROCCA</b> has aggravated me for far too long. I mean, what the fuck is with the boas? Or leis, or whatever they are? At Jon Hunt s request, I m gonna keep a tally of a few key phrases. He starts talking at 1:03:11. Hulk:  & brothers& brother& brother& brother& brother! HBK comes out at 1:04:58, so Hulk said  brother approximately 2.5 times per minute there. But, oddly, he never once said  dude. HBK:  I would come down to that ring to join you, but if I did, I m afraid we d have to wait another two weeks to get your answer to my challenge. Whoa, hey, I ve got no issues with that! HBK wonders what makes him different from all the other losers who feuded with and ultimately jobbed to Hogan. Good question. His answer falls flat, though. HBK:  You have NEVER, EVER had somebody take you to a level where you have never been. Well, yes, technically that would be true. HBK:  I wanna push you like you have never been pushed before. Yuck. He also says he wants to make Hogan  step up for the first time. Good luck. Brother. HBK keeps blathering on. Hogan starts talking again at 1:10:20.  Brother& dude& dude& brother& brother& brother& dude& brother& dude& brother& brother& brother...brother...brother& brother! He ends at 1:12:20. Well, I think we can dismiss a paltry two  dude s a minute, but 5.5  brother s a minute is pretty damned ridiculous. My favorite line (other than  your ass is on ) was probably  Whatcha gonna do brother, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do brother&  He got trapped in a Mobius Strip. Or whatever. <p> The final brother per second tally, if you average the two results and ignore the fact that the sample times weren t the same and he actually said it slightly more than I figure here, is Hulk Hogan saying  brother once every 15 seconds. <p> <b>WE ARE LUMBERJACKS AND WE RE OK</b> are all heels ever. I think I already used this joke for the last Lumberjack Match. Like anyone cares. Hahaha, ok, I ended up reading the bulk of the Heatbeak on Tuesday, so I spent this whole segment s LIVE airing going  who the FUCK is that Buff Bagwell impersonator on the left? Anyway, Jericho tries to get the Lumberjacks excited about the Lumberjack Match. They respond much more easily than I do, lemmie tell ya. <p> Commercials. Some guy sings about the penises (or peni) of Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan and& that other guy, presumably. <p> VICTORIA AND CHRISTY ARE ENJOYING THE SAME SEXY CARWASH! THIS COMPLETELY UNDERMINES THEIR FEUD! <p> Unforgiving Steel Cage Match of Non-Forgiveness time. It s <b>THE FLAME STILL BURNS& UNFORTUNATELY HAHAHA</b> is out first because NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HIM. JR pimps YuYu. Here comes <b>SOME DAY I WILL PURCHASE A SHIRT TO WEAR BENEATH MY COAT</b> and <b>OOH, TELL ME WHEN YOU RE GOING, I NEED TO USE MY HOT TOPIC GIFT CERTIFICATE</b>. Edge circles the ring so <b>I SLIPPED PAST SECURITY BY DISGUISING MYSELF AS MATT HARDY NON-V1</b> can jump him. He gets pulled off and put on to ground within a minute. Hardy:  Hey Johnny Ace, kick me out of your building! Hmm, is it shootier to have him yell at  Johnny Ace or to use the guy s real name? Edge:  Go back to the indies, assbleep! Edge kicks him after he s been cuffed. Which is assault, since this is real and all. Not that Matt hadn t already committed assault. And& we go to break. Sure, prolong the horror, why don tcha? <p> Commercials. Throwing Snickers bars at deers take an unusually long time to make them scatter. Also,  Stealth. Starring Stealth, Olly, and Sifl. Special guest appearance by Chester. <p> We re back. They ve been doing stuff. Edge gets the Edge-u-whatever DDT, but Kane kicks out at 1 because I guess even Edge forgot that was his finisher at one point. JR doesn t think Edge will win much money by out-slugging Kane. Is the money-in-the-bank on the line here or something? More stuff happens. I got a PreCal test this week, I really shouldn t be spending time on this. Kane gets a sideslam. Then he stupidly goes up, but gets knocked down. Edge spears him against the cage, and our commentators debate whether the cage made it more or less devastating. Lita kisses Edge through the cage. JR:  Get a damn room. Well, they have a room. It s just that only one of them is in it. Edge cuts Kane s forehead open on the cage. I m not in the mood to give them credit for a nice bloody visual. JR:  I m not the president of the Kane fan club, by the by. Heh. Edge clubbers some, but eventually Kane takes over and sends him into the cage. Back body drop. They keep using  bloody as a descriptor of Kane, which makes me wish Regal was on commentary. Coach:  The Big Red Machine is red! The crimson mask, as you like to say. JR:  You re quite the wordsmith. Kane goes up and gets his stupid top-rope clothesline. Coach talks about how sick he is of Kane s stupid smirk (don t forget how sweaty he is!) so JR tells him to hop in the cage and  take care of it. Be it Coachman or Cole, it s always fun when an indignant play-by-play man is encouraged to pick a fight with a wrestler. Kane does the ten-count punchalong. The crowd finally gets into it a little. JR:  Another huge right hand from the edge of& by Edge&  Heh, he was waiting for something to happen. Stuff happens. Edge gets a missile dropkick, if JR is to be believed. I was typing. And I m not rewinding. Kane gives Edge an uppernutter, and Edge ends up straddling the rope. I almost typed  JR gives Edge an uppernutter. Big boot by Kane. Kane setting up the chokeslam& but Edge kicks low to escape the goozle. JR brags about how violent this match is, since it can only end one of 3 ways. Which is 3 times as many ways as a real cage match can end, motherfucker. Edge tries to climb out, but he opts to use a corner, which allow Kane to sneak in with the Undertaker s patented  slip underneath a guy on the top rope that you couldn t actually lift up for a Last Ride anymore and powerbomb them spot. I mean, Kane really could lift Edge off the ground for a powerbomb and that method of blocking Edge s escape made perfect sense, but it s still exactly the spot that makes me wonder why guys like Brok Leznar or JBL would go to the top rope when wrestling the Undertaker. It gets 2. Edge slips out of something or other, and gets THE SPEER for 2. Lita opens the cage door and Edge tries to crawl out, but Kane grabs Edge s foot. Lita manages to sneak him the shock stick. I mean, the money in the bank briefcase. Edge tries to use it, but Kane goozles and chokeslams him. No cover, as both men are dead. Kane starts trying to climb out (um& I guess it s possible) but Edge is up in time to wail on him with the briefcase while he s all stretched across the cage. Edge tries to climb out, with the briefcase. Kane pulls at his leg, Edge kicks him off, Kane comes back again, goozles him on the top of the cage, but Edge gets one last briefcase-shot to send Kane back down to the mat. Edge leaves the cage to win. He walks away, his music plays, and Kane s face is all bloody. Not a bad ending, but& I just can t care about these two. <p> Commercials. On Casino Cinema, they will watch some movie and play some game with some guy. <p> Smackdown Gitdown: It s mostly OJ vs Batista. I can t help but feel Sofa should relish Meanie beating JBL, no matter how many people interfere, when I m doing the show that has Hogan legdropping Carlito to death. <p> Ok, it s like 2 in the morning and I m not working on this Thursday night. Cena gets interviewed by Maria. She says dumb shit that s supposed to be funny, and Cena makes penis puns and then sends Maria off to get him a flannel shirt for his Lumber. That s our babyface champion, making fun of the retards. Cena yells a bunch of shit that the Philly fans cheer. Shame on you, Philly fans. <p> Commercials. Shut up, Jared. <p> Our Clearasil Oily Shit of the Week is Cena F-Uing Bischoff. <p> Next week, we get a  Battle of the Bands, plus& are you sitting down? Edge vs Kane, in a gimmick match. This week, stretchers. At least I m not paying good, hard money to see them in a  Lita on a Pole match. Though actually, that sounds a lot more interesting. <p> The lumberjacks are already at ringside, and they are a pathetic lot. Kurt is completely out of place, getting instructions from Jericho, who then turns to deliver similar instructions to  The Con Man Rob Conway. He cons people into thinking he doesn t suck hahahaha God I hate my life. I must admit though, I was rolling when, after spending the first few minutes of this match still wondering who the pink-clad Bagwellian was, he actually did something and JR said something about  Conway. No mention of his hot new finisher, the Ego Trip. It s called the Ego Trip. You can call it the Ego Trip. The Ego Trip. Ego Trip. Haha, I forgot how he was gonna con Wei. He s all,  Cao Cao, Pang Tong and I think you should tie all your boats together at Chi Bi. That s the way I d go. The Con Way. The actual match is <b>IT S NOT MY FAULT MY ENTRANCE WAS ONLY LIKE TEN SECONDS LONG</b> vs <b>I WEAR REGGIE WHITE S JERSEY BECAUSE I TOO AM WHITE</b>. Anyway, I just wasted all this time looking up if  Chi Bi was the right battle, and now I really need to finish. So here s the match: Cena keeps getting sent outside, where heels beat him up. He fights them all off and goes back in. He gets send back out and they beat him up more. We go to break with JR yelling  CAN CENA SURVIVE!?!? We come back for more of the same. Eventually Shelton Benjamin runs out (and Mideon is right, he s like a year ahead of his fat-ass fellow faces) to sorta-kinda do a flying clothesline off the steps, but mostly he just jumps up and kinda flails in the direction of Carlito. Lawler:  There s Tajiri! Tajiri sneaks around and does nothing. JR:  Tajiri s here! Viscera and the Heart Throbs continue their feud. Bischoff comes out and stands around. The F-U eventually ends it. Thank God. <p> <b>Final Thoughts:</b> I m sorry you didn t get detail on the main event s shittiness. Some day, years from now, we will all wonder just how much this sucked. <p><center><TABLE BORDER="0" CELLSPACING="30" CELLPADDING="0"> <TR><TD ALIGN = "center"><A HREF="mailto:jglenno1@hotmail.com">Send me mail</A></TD> <TD ALIGN = "center"><A HREF="http://www.weeklyvisitor.com">Or don't</A></TD> </TR></table></center> </TABLE> </TD> </TR> </TABLE> </CENTER> </TR></TD> </TABLE> </CENTER> </BODY> </HTML>