This one is going to suck. As some of you may already know, my laptop got the munchies for boats again and died. Some kinda boot sector problem, which has happened in exactly the same way to me before and suggests a virus. Blech. Anyway, I used my sister’s laptop to do AIM last weekend but I really don’t want to use it much more because I’ve just had rotten luck with machines and it isn’t mine to break. So I’m using the communal desktop and doing this from someone else’s recap. Yeah, I know. I should have tried to pawn this off on Mideon.
DYNASTY WARRIORS: So, I bought Dynasty Warriors 5, and my timing was excellent because it meant I had a new Playstation game ready to go when my computer and it’s many amusements died honorably trying to resurrect Han or whatever. The Han Dynasty was frozen in carbonite a long time ago by Chinamen far, far away. I’ll try not to make many jokes about this game, lest I drive WV’s mass appeal down even further, but it will be hard. There’s a character whose name is pronounced “Cow Pee,” you know. His favorite meal is “Man Doo Soup.”
Ok, one really insular reference. “Amongst men, Lu Bu, amongst bears in bow-ties, Bu Bu.”
SAILOR MOON: Eugial’s death, which has something to do with Mimette and acidic snails, doesn’t make sense in any language.
I opened my aborted Smackbeak (it wasn’t Snitski’s fault) with this long passage about how Sofa got to say goodbye to Carlito, and equated it with one of the bad endings from FFX2 where Yuna talks to a mute Farplane image of Tidus. It was funny. If you happen to be me. The best part was re-envisioning the FFX not 2 ending with Yuna whispering “I love you” and dissolving-into-pyreflies-Carlito going “Dat’s cool.”
We open with CARLITO KNOWS BEST and his cabana. How long has that graphic with the palm tree been there? It seemed different. Carlito talks about how huge this cabana will be, because hey, how often does a big star like Carlito come to wherever this is. Sacramento. He shows some clips from Hogan’s stupid new show in which some dude in his twenties wants to date Hogan’s 16-year-old daughter. Hulk tries to be cool, but he’s convinced this is sick and wrong. Maybe a visit from their pink-haired daughter from the future will convince him their love is pure. Or convince him to kill them both. Carlito, after the footage: “Wow!” I couldn’t tell if he was doing a shitty job pretending to be impressed or an awesome job of acting like someone doing a shitty hob of pretending to be impressed. Out comes HEO GHAN THE WHITE BENGAL TIGER GENERAL FROM THE BATTLE OF MEGA MOUNTAIN to a typically loud pop. Carlito tells him that he’s a great legend, especially now that he’s been on the Cabana. Haha. Hogan starts yelling stupid shit, so Carlito cuts him off. Why, Carlito reasonably asks, is Hulk out here without his daughter Brooke if he’s trying to promote a show about his family. Hogan tells Carlito he’s Triple H’s penis’ length’s away from a beating. Nice guy. Carlito finally does something to deserve the hostility by saying, “Carlito is cool, but Brooke is hot,” and suggesting he and Brooke engage in the sexings. Hogan attacks Carlito and tosses him to the floor. KURT ANGLE KNOWS BREASTS comes out. Nice how Carlito isn’t even trusted to carry his own Cabana segments. Kurt gets a mic and reminds us that he has made everyone in the universe tap out, notably HBK, Ric Flair, and the last time they met in the ring, Hulk Hogan. And yet the fans cheer Hulk Hogan, just because he has a reality show. Kurt: “Well whoopdie-frickin’ doo!” God damn Kurt is awesome sometimes. He immediately undermines it by becoming a stupid sex fiend again and saying he wants to make Brooke “tap out.” Hey, I didn’t think she looked like an animal. I mean, humans are animals, but you know what I mean. Hogan attacks, but Carlito attacks from behind and DDTs him. Hey, I already love Carlito, you don’t have to give him Arn Anderson’s finisher. MICHAELS KNOWS…YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW makes the save because he and Hulk used to team up against Muslims. Together, they pack as much awesome firepower as Shelton Benjamin!
Todd Grisham stood outside of Eric Bischoff’s door at some point, listening to the muffled screams of Shawn Michaels. That came out sounding a lot more interesting than it was.
WE HAD THE WORST WRESTLING WEDDING EVER are out with IT WASN’T MY FAULT! What a lazy Snitsky nickname, and yet, it fits perfectly here because his poem was the best thing about the wedding. Watching at the time, I was thinking, “please don’t be a rematch of last week.” It was, of course, a rematch of last week. THROUGH HELLFIRE AND PORK SAUSAGE IT’S THE BIG RED MACHINE SHOW in the house. Hide anything digestible. These four proceeded to have an exciting match chock full of high risk daredevilry combined with psychologically compelling chain wrestling sequences. It took my breath away when Big Show was trying for a Fujiwara armbar, but Snitsky somehow countered it into a Texas Cloverleaf! Then Show powered out just enough to get the leverage necessary to rolls through and somehow apply an Octopus Stretch. I can’t begin to describe how they did this, you’d have to have seen it. Then things cooled off with a thirty year heat segment on Show, who hurt himself somehow (too many muffins gave him a tummy ache) but eventually gave Kane a HOTT tag for a chokeslam on Snitsky for 3.
None of the good stuff I mentioned actually happened.
NOSEY NELLIE talked to COULD YOU MUFFLE MY SCREAMS, PLEASE? HBK told Todd Grisham he whined to Bischoff (he really did say this) about a tag match tonight. Then he called Todd “Nosey Nellie” which is just about the stupidest thing ever. I think that’s what he said, anyway.
THROBBING PAIN give me a headache ahahaha bite me. They came out to the ring and tried to sex MISS MEXICOOL. Apparently, they have a handicap match with HE’S GOTTA HAVE IT, IT BEING A SHETLAND PONY SMOTHERED IN CHEESE. The match was not as good as the Hearthrobs sexy, sexy dancing, though it ends well. They did a doubleteam version of that spot where a guy on the outside pulls his opponent’s crotch into the corner post. This gets a DQ. Ross said “an obvious disqualification,” possibly to justify the fact that this happens in like every other match and is never a disqualification. Then the Hearthrobs try to sex Lillian some more. It should be noted that Lillian got all weepy introducing Viscera because God forbid we let that pointless plot cul-de-sac end.
I’M STUPIDER THAN CHRISTY HEMME. THAT SHOULDN’T EVEN BE POSSIBLE interviews MICHAEL WALLSTREET. It’s actually Chavito, who has had his name LEGALLY CHANGED to “Kerwin White.” He denounces the Latino heritage that has always held him down. Then he decides Maria is stupid. He’s wearing a sweater wrapped around his neck as he does all this. So as to be very slightly more white. HE’S DOING THIS FOR YOU, MIDEON! WHY WON’T YOU LOVE HIM?
That segment was awesome, but tape or no tape I have nothing to say about it, really. It just is. It’s a Mexicools situation.
Hurricane and the other two jackasses don’t deserve nicknames. They do an incredibly unfunny bit where they try to teach kids to use sparklers safely, but Rosey catches on fire. The WWE can only do fire comedy well when they’re trying to be deathly serious. *sounds of JR mannequin screaming.*
By the way, I found it absolutely hilarious that they really did just have one guy yelling at Mileena but he was trying to sound like dozens of guys.
MC KERWIN WHITE does some bit backstage with Maria I don’t care about before going on to do the Highlight Reel with YOU’RE AN ASSASS, YOU JACKCLOWN!. They did a dueling promo which was actually a pretty well done build for their feud over the Retardo Belt. Jericho, less-than-earnest: “I love it when it spins.” They get into an argument about who is the bigger star, which eventually climaxes with Cena telling Jericho that Jericho is “cheap.” He goes on to say “cheap” like five times, in a context I don’t get at all. “Cheap” must have some “street” meaning I don’t “understand” because I’m “not retarded.” The Horde O’ Refs have to pull them apart.
You don’t need me to tell you the Diva Search segment sucked. It shouldn’t be possible for Sergeant Slaughter to be more ridiculous than usual, and yet, here he is. “Highlights” included a girl falling on her ass BEFORE THE OBSTACLE COURSE PART STARTED, a wacky wardrobe malfunction, and one of the girls doing the sack race portion with the sack just kinda wrapped around their feet. Lawler made clever, clever “sack” jokes. Some blonde won immunity. The heel chick got the worst time, way worse than Coach’s “wackily bad” time where he kept intentionally doing obstacles wrong. Kid. Almost all of the girls showed their patriotism by using the flag to cover their genitalia.
I HAVE A PURE HEART! I HAVE A PURE HEART! (w/YEAH, SURE YOU DO) played host to the shocking return of WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, COWBOY BOB ORTON SENIOR!? I’m sorry, but it still amuses me, the way Cowboy Bob said, “When I saw you drop that Frenchman on his head, I thought to myself, I gotta do somethin’. Not that I care about that Frenchman because I don’t.” Anyway, our commentators talk about what a huge acquisition this guy is for RAW. Rene wins with his feet on the ropes. Lawler says Val was “caught napping.” Dreaming of you know what. Winning a match against someone who isn’t Stevie. All of our commentators says it’s a big accomplishment for Rene to win a match in his “RAW debut.” Good God. Coach tells us Val is a “viable” wrestler. Viable Venus, I should have called him. With Acceptable Artemis. Then 411 trumps all of my attempts at humor by putting this in their official recap:
Okay then. Are we not going for the obvious feud with Rob Conway that would elevate both guys at the same time while not burying anyone? Maybe next week. But this was certainly an underwhelming return.
Oh please God yes, a month of Conway vs Dupree is just what the doctor ordered. Dr. Claus Von Buhlow. Stupid IWC.
ALL YOU GUYS GOT NICKNAMES ALREADY in the main event followed. The crowd was red hot and ate up every second of Carlito being Hogan’s job boy to the big boot and the leg drop. A SHOCKING SWERVE occurred when HBK superkicked Hogan during the post-match celebration. Well, I sure didn’t see it coming. Then he just kinda stares at him all creepily and leaves. Guess he wants to sex Hogan’s son. 411 put it best (and by best I mean worst:)
Well, that was certainly surprising. And on the fourth of July, no less. How ironic.
I don’t think ironic means what he thinks it means. Go seek redemption, 411er.
Final Thoughs: I told you this would suck. Go reread the comic. NO ONE KNOWS! PORN?
