STAR TREK: Over lunch, the TNG where some jobber engineer’s daughter has an OMG HEEL imaginary friend started. I found something else to do.

SAILOR MOON: I’m very slowly making my way through the S dub, having finished watching it subbed a few weeks ago. Most of the noticeable differences weaken the show, but every so often the dub does something really well, or comically poorly. There’s an episode where some girl (who I think is the younger sister of Andrew the arcade clerk, but I might be wrong so don’t go making any bar bets) randomly blathers to Serena about her dream of making her first kiss with a boy truly magical and special. Good old Doc Tomo has a good line in “How about kissing your pure heart goodbye?” But Raye trumps the Hell out of him. After the Heart Snatchers strike, robbing the girl of her dream and turning her into a zombie desperate to kiss anyone (including Mina and Lita, who have to push her back while making grossed-out faces,) the gang decides to split up and search for the Heart Snatcher. Raye elects to stay behind, immobilizing the girl with an anti-ghost sticker and saying, “I’ll keep an eye on Hot Lips.”

I dunno, I guess I just wasn’t prepared to hear Sailor Mars call someone “Hot Lips.”

Now get the boys, the toys, of my generation.

I’m not your boy toy.

Oh how I hadn’t missed JUDGE HAROLD T. STONE COLD. My internet connection is down as I write this (and the cable is fucked up so I know there’s nothing I can be doing,) so I can’t even check to see if I got the Night Court guy’s name right. It was Mideo’s idea anyway. We were chillin’ on AIM for most of RAW, so assume any good jokes were his. JR: “The rattlesnake looks with that look on his face!” Fan sign: “Hassan 7:11.” Hassan 7:11 says, you’re a racist fuck! Austin says, “I don’t own a house or a piece of real estate in Binghamton, but thanks for feeling me right at home!” I can be bad with the typos sometimes but please believe me: he really did say exactly that. Austin calls out HASSAN (w/7-11) so that Daivari can earn me valuable appearance points. Austin says they “called Stone Cold via the telephone.” Normally they call him with their snow-blower. Austin says “Shaft.” Lawler doesn’t think they’ll get off as easy as Michael Jackson. In the King’s Court, being Muslim and molesting boys are equivalent offenses. Molesting girls is a form of public service! Fan sign: “HHH IS WRESTLE GOD.” Austin: “I see sand people.” Isn’t that kind of a dated movie reference? The Tusken Raiders haven’t appeared since Attack of the Clones! Austin won’t shake Hassan’s hand because Arabs are dirty. Hassan “demands” justice. Shockingly, Austin does not respond well to being threatened. Hassan says “Shaft.” Hassan, and then Daivari, introduce a montage of Hassan being picked on. Afterwards, Hassan claims this is proof he is “undefeated.” Oh man…remember that time he lost in a one-on-one match to Benoit? Did I dream that? Usually my dreams involve more hott chickz and fewer short-limbed wolverine machines. Austin…wipes imaginary tears on Hassan’s headdress. Wow. Neat visual, I must admit, and hilariously offensive. That’d be like picking your nose with a Rosary, I’d bet. If I know Muslims (and I don’t,) a normal Muslim in a non-scripted setting would be eating Austin’s heart raw right now. Or at least doing crazy murder eyes. Hassan just does a “oh no you dinnat” take. Austin insults Hassan’s “stupid gimmick beard.” When Tazz and Bigelow fall on Hassan’s beard, it will collapse beneath them. Austin declares various aspects of Hassan’s appearance “stupid” and “little.” BUTWAIT, he also says Hassan has been treated unfairly. Austin: “Have you ever had a one-on-one shot for the intercontinental title?” Hassan: “Never a fair one-on-one shot, no Steve, no.” See, they’re on a first-name basis now. Austin is seeing Hassan in a new light. It’s just like when Rei called Yuichirou “Yuichirou…san” because she found out his folks are loaded. Austin says we’ll get Hassan vs Shelton TONIGHT, with Austin as “special enforcer.” He’s like Arn Anderson, only retarded! Haha, Daivari is all happy and grabs Austin’s hands with both of his to shake it enthusiastically, forcing Austin to pull away in disgust. I SEE BLACK PERSON makes his entrance, so I guess the match is like right now. There went any remote chance Hassan may have had. Wait, we’re going to break. Well, Hassan still won’t win the title, methinks.

Commercials. Destroy All Humans sure loves bashing those fifties sitcom families. About time somebody made fun of them.

We’re back, and Hassan has what is supposed to be some kinda armbar on Shelton, who does a fancy springboard flippity thing to reverse. King: “You can never really fully expect what a jury is gonna do!” They might even acquit your son who was found naked and unconscious in some woman’s house! Hassan backs Shelton into a corner and chops away. JR: “Steamboat-like armdrag!” That armdrag is just like a steamboat. I hope Shelton goes for a splash, and JR says “Tugboat like splash!” I missed a bit of back and forth by Hassan and Shelton. Hassan gets a hard Middle Eastern whip to the corner, and stomps on Shelton. JR claims this is a “sultry” night. Bullwinkle had an ultry, sultry look. Which caused Super Asia and I to refer to Ultros as ultry, sultry Ultros. Suplex by Hassan. Screaming by Daivari. Screaming by Hassan. Shelton counters a suplex with an inside cradle for 2. Hassan stomps away and covers for 2. Scoop and a slam. Knee to the back, and here’s the…uh…I still can’t hit the net to check the spelling on Hashashin Chokeout. Shelton elbows out and tosses Hassan out of the ring. Shelton follows Hassan out, and tries to Bushwhacker battering ram Hassan into the post, but Hassan pushes off of him and Shelton goes postal. Hassan grabs a steel chair (like a retard,) but Stone Cold channels his sheriff persona and stops him. Hassan sends Shelton back in and slaps on an abdominal stretch. Shelton elbows his way out, but charges right into a kick. Hassan tries for a vertical suplex (because he only knows about three moves) but Shelton flips out and gets a neckbreaker. Both men up to their knees, slugging it out. Shelton gets the best of that, but Hassan whips him to the ropes, and Shelton lands the flying burrito! Now Hassan is sent to the ropes and back body dropped. Shelton hits the ropes, Million Dollar Kneelift. All about the Benjamins. It gets 2. Hassan ends up in the corner…Non-Tugboat-like Stingar Splash, Hassan sidesteps, Shelton catches himself in the corner, but Hassan does this sort of high-impact schoolboy where he basically powerbombs Shelton off of his second-rope perch with one hand. It gets 2.999. Hassan pulls Shelton up, Shelton tries for the T-bone, but Hassan fights out and gets…something stupid. The motion is similar to the Overdrive/Eye of the Hurricane, but Shelton is facing down so it’s kinda like Hassan is bulldogging him but he guides Shelton’s midsection into the mat instead of his face. Which is stupid. I can’t think of a good Eye of the Hurricane joke, so let’s call this the Underdrive. Or wait, maybe the Eye of the Mild Breeze. JR calls Hassan “Daivari.” I guess Hassan was supposed to be driving his elbow into the back of Shelton’s head, but he wasn’t. Anyway, it gets 2. Lawler doesn’t have any Michael Jackson court verdict jokes, but he keeps mentioning it anyway like it’s intrinsically funny. Hassan tries to toss Shelton, but Shelton lands on the apron and Hassan (who is mentally pointing to the side of his head to indicate intelligence) doesn’t see it. Shelton ends up getting the springboard bulldog. Instead of covering, he slingshots Daivari (who was on the apron) in. Back body drop for Daivari. Hassan gives Shelton a low-blow as the ref dispatches Daivari, and Shelton has no one to blame but himself for that. Camel Clutch applied. Somebody call Arnold Skoland, or whatever that dude’s name was. To throw in the towel. The one Hassan was wearing. Instead, inspired by my racism, Stone Cold comes into the ring and kicks Hassan in the head. Stunnar for Daivari. Mudhole stomping on Hassan. Stone Cold grabs a mic, and declares Muhammad the winner by Dairy Queen, “and still undefeated.” I guess being a special enforcer allows you to UNDO HIS SINGLES DEFEAT ON RAW AGAINST BENOIT. Stunnar coming up for Hassan…HE PUSHES OFF…but turns into a superkick by Shelton, which knocks him into a follow-up Stunnar. Fan sign: “5 out of 4 ECW fans can’t do fractions!” OH GOOD ONE. Our commentators talk up some big show in Dublin on Saturday, which prompts Lawler to talk about how much the Irish drink. If he’s trying to garner heel heat from Irish fans, the fucking king get-up is probably good enough. Anyway, Austin and Shelton drink beer. Austin manages to spill a lot onto the front of his pants so it looks like he wet himself. Here’s a graphic of the Smackdown roster, to get us pumped for the draft pick. I’m shocked that that still photo of Rey and that still photo of Eddie are right next to each other and not going at it.

Commercials. A whole new ad full of weird contortionists twisting their freakish bodies to avoid having to manually open an M&M Amazing bar. Now with more maggots!

We return to exciting dialogue with RI BISHOFF (who has banned ECW har har) and NOW WHOSE GOT COCK-SUCKING POWER? Did you remember that “now whose got the blasting power?” is a lyric from the Stink Blasters song? Give yourself a star! Eric mentions “ECW” to make the fans chant. NOTHING IS COOLER THAN SILENTLY MOUTHING “BURN” comes in to bitch about how Christian was magically granted “#1 Contender to the WWE Championship” status. We learn that Christian vs Cena has been penciled in for Vengeance. Jericho promises to pound Christian into a pile of ass cream tonight to earn himself the title shot instead. HILLBILLY HEDGEHOG HUNTER invades. Hunter: “Jericho.” Jericho: “Hunter.” Hunter called him “Jericho” because he couldn’t think of his first name. He wanted to say “Jack,” but he vaguely recalls “Double J” being someone else. Jericho leaves (uh, Coach had already left and I forgot to mention it) so Triple H can talk about the draft pick tonight. The draft pick apparently gets mic time tonight (on Triple H’s show omg) and is allowed to say whatever he wants about Batista. Triple H says if they’re going to say something to Batista, “it had better be along the lines of, I dunno, ‘gee Dave, I really think you have a great sense of fashion.’” Heh. Ok, that was kinda cute. Trips’ point is that nobody better be calling out Dave before he’s done thoroughly boring us with their feud. He won’t let some “Second-rate Smackdown jackoff” screw it up. Even if I didn’t hear about how Trips balked at switching shows this time last year, I’d hate this asshole for burying half the fucking roster like that.

Commercials. Star Wars toys from Burger King. Get spinning, dying Padme!

Great, it’s HE KILLED HIM BY WAVING A RUSTY TAILPIPE AT HIM? That kind of refers to The Master and Torgo, I suppose. Lawler tries to shush JR again. Masters has the retardo trunks from last week again, and yells “oh yeah baybay, come on” while spinning around in his pyro. He’s so awful I’m starting to grow attached to him in spite of myself. Snitskyesque. Lawler: “You probably liked that Etch-a-Sketch when you were a kid.” He says it like it’s a horrible burn. Chris Jericho would agree. JR: “It’s just a matter of time in my view King, before somebody is, is hoss enough to break the grip of Masters.” He doesn’t seem to say “hoss” much anymore. Somebody may have taken him aside and explained how incredibly retarded that term is. That and “Booger Red.” Masters: “Since still no one has been able to break the Masterlock, and tonight I’m feeling very confident, Heck, I’m as confident as I am good-looking!” Lawler: “Wow.” Masters: “I’m upping the offer to eleven-thousand dollars to anybody in the locker room who wants to take the Masterlock Challenge!” Next week: eleven thousand seven dollars and forty-two cents. What’s really special about this week is that apparently you don’t have to break the Masterlock: just letting him apply it nets you eleven grand! For some ungodly reason, DICK SARGENT comes out. Dick Sargent played one of the Dariens on Bewitched, and his name contains the word “Sargent,” which is like Sergeant and therefore relevant, and “dick,” which is funny because that’s the male reproductive organ! Shut up. Later, Dick Sargent became one of the Moonlight Knights. I told you to shut up. JR, over a shot of Sergeant Slaughter: “There it is!” JR reminds us that the man is a former WWF champion, but does not remind us which Middle Eastern nation he betrayed us to at that time. Lawler: “Look at that chin JR! It’s like, looks like a pelican!” I’m sure Batman could find something to stab with that. You know, call me a naysayer, but I don’t see Slaughter breaking the Masterlock. They trot Slaughter out every time a new heel who desperately sucks needs to get over. Masters is honored, but wants to know what makes Slaughter think he stands a chance. “Old man!” GO TO BED OLD MAN! Slaughter’s got THE STICK! CALL HIM A MAGGOT, SARGE! Slaughter: “Old man? Shut your hole, puke, and listen up!” Well, puke is good too. Slaughter: “I don’t really care about your eleven thousand dollars, and I sure as Hell don’t care about the Masterlock challenge! But I got a challenge for you, you scum! You slime! You MAGGOT!” YES. Slaughter: “Do you…think, that you, could break, my COBRA…CLUTCH!” And then he fucking cheapshots Masters with a clothesline. HAHAHAHAHA. I don’t care how poorly this ends for the crazy old action figure model, I still loved that. Stomps by Sarge. This one’s for Falcon! This one’s for Duke! This one’s for me! And this one, is for the U…S…A! Masters staggers up…COBRA CLUTCH! Masters heads for the ropes. Nemesis Enforcer didn’t have that option. JR: “This Masterpiece is melting!” Masters finally reaches the ropes, and kicks Slaughter low behind the ref’s back. Masterlock applied. “USA” chant against the dirty foreigner Chris Masters. Slaughter tries to fight out, so Masters does a hilarious “OMG HE’S BREAKING MY MASTERLOCK” face. My VCR skips a bit, which makes Masters shake Sarge around all goofily. Eventually, Sarge is choked out. Masters hops up on a turnbuckle. Masters: “Yeah baybay! Who’s the man!? Me! Not him!” If he hadn’t murdered Steven Richards, I’d probably like him by this point. He’s just so over-the-top retarded.

If next week, Masters is in the middle of calling out his challenger when the new draftee is announced, and that draftee is the Big Show, I may be officially converted by Chris Masters doing an “oops I crapped my pants” face.

Commercials. Holy shit, TNA Slammiversary ad! Somebody’s gonna get in trouble!

Lawler is holding the two new WWE DVD releases, but they never get mentioned. Unless the downstairs VCR skips it. It’s skipping around a lot.

Here’s a video package of the entire Triple H/Batista feud. According to my VCR’s timer, it’s five and a half minutes long. And it’s really, really boring. Well, the first half was. Can’t vouch for anything past that.

Christian and Tomko walk around backstage. JR says we’re just “moments away from John Cena’s first in-ring appearance on Monday Night RAW!” Um…you can’t even fucking remember LAST WEEK?

Commercials. The Club Chalupa. Because nothing says “country club gentility” like quasi-Mexican fast food.

Wait, does gentility mean of or pertaining to the gentry, or of or pertaining to gentiles? This is why I need to be able to fact-check on the internet a million times per beak.

Our Starburst Awful Commercial That Will Never Go Away of the Week is John Cena’s Monday Night RAW in-ring debut last week, to rap about cocks and gaiety.

Out first are THANKS TO MY STUPID HOODIE, I CAN’T SEE YOU and THE TIAN GANG. Here’s further flashing back to what the Starburst thingie just flashed back to. This VCR is REALLY starting to piss me off. Every two seconds, I am greeted by a second’s worth of unwanted fastforwarding and “I am so gonna eat your tape” noises. Wow, we hear a lot more of the Christian theme than usual. It has an actual ending. OK, I came up with my own name for the faces, but I forget what it was, so here’s Mideon’s name, THE WHITEY, WHITEY BOSSTONES. That’s probably better than whatever I had anyway. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just Five Knuckle Shuffleyfeet again. I really hadn’t missed Cena, though I do have a tragic weakness for his theme song and it’s looped horns. Lawler spazzes out about how Cena let him look at his championship up close. Gross. JR: “He let you hold it?” Lawler jokes about how JR isn’t “hip.” Lawler, your gimmick is that you’re “The King of Memphis.” Christian makes titlebelt motions. Jericho takes him down and stomps away. Christian sent to the ropes. Shit, I gotta switch VCRs, as the random skipping is getting worse every segment. And I’d hate to miss a second of Cena no-selling Christian’s punches! Jericho with mounted bunches o’ punches. Christian worms out, but Jericho gets a double-leg takedown and tries for the Walls. Christian kicks him off and tags Tomko. Tomko rushes in, but Jericho ducks his clothesline and chops away. Tomko sent to the ropes, and Jericho dropkicks him. Tag to Cena. Cena throws shitty punches to Tomko’s gut. Tomko sent to the ropes, modified Polock Hammer. Mouthing off to Christian, Tomko slowly rises, and Cena suplexes him. Tomko whipped into the corner, and Cena follows with an elbow. Tomko reverses a corner whip, but charges into Cena’s boot. Cena to the second rope, second rope clothesline. He sends Tomko over to the face corner, but elects to clothesline him out instead of doing any doubleteam move. Christian tries to sneak attack, but Jericho catches him, and he and Cena press-slam him to the floor and onto Tomko. Let’s take a break.

Commercials. Heel offense has consisted of Christian landing a punch or two against Jericho (maybe,) Christian kicking away from the Walls, and Cena having an Irish whip reversed but getting the knees up and landing the next move anyway.

On Casino Cinema, they watch Pulp Fiction with “a special friend of John Travolta.” I don’t think he’s even a celebrity.

We’re back. Christian is on offense somehow. He does a chop. He mocks the YCSM taunt. Canadian whip, but Christian Papa Shangos and Cena kicks him. That’s our Cena, opting for the most boring possible way to take advantage of a Papa Shango. Shitty flying shoulderblock. Both men up, Cena blocks Christian’s punches and counters. Christian reverses a whip, and throws a back elbow he clearly intended Cena to duck, so Cena goes for another flying shoulderblock and they just kinda end up in an embarrassed heap. Jericho tags himself in. Christian reverses a whip, but gets shoulderblocked down. Jericho pounds away, but Christian fights him off long enough to tag Tomko. Tomko kinda…wanders into a fancy jumping kick. Jericho wastes time attacking Christian on the apron, ignoring Tomko. Sadly, this is not because they are bitter enemies who feuded over Trish for a billion years, but is instead because Jericho wants the worthless no-buildup title match against Cena at Vengeance. It should be noted for the record that Mideo and I were making “Shades of Kidman” jokes at this point on AIM because Jericho seems to have forgotten to turn heel weeks ago against Shelton. Jericho turns right into a Fucking Kick Jericho In The Fucking Face Kick from Tomko. I may have added an extra fucking, but I can’t check the site! Argh! Jericho’s corpse rolls outside so Christian can throw him into the security railing. We see Cena on the apron, and he’s all, “How come Jericho is letting them hurt him like that?” King and JR discuss some bullshit statistic about Cena’s album. Tomko heads out to ram Jericho into the ring apron. We get a replay of the FKJITFFK, then come back to Tomko grounding and pounding Jericho. He covers for 2, then tags in Double C. Christian punches, then sorta stands on Jericho’s neck. Ninja Chokeout, and the fans chant for Y2J. Jericho fights out, Christian hits the ropes, but Jericho does a double-leg and some punching. Chops by Jericho, but Christian ducks whatever and gets the Charismatic Slop Drop for 2. Lawler talks up how Cena wanted a tag, but Jericho ignored him. The camera didn’t exactly highlight that, if it happened. Haha, cute fan sign: “PUSH HHH.” Oddly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. Seems kinda obvious. Cena yells at the ref, allowing for boring double-team choking and shit. Tomko tagged in, setting up something, but Jericho flips out of it and gets the “running enzuigiri.” Like I’ve said before, can’t put “enzoogweeree” in quotation marks. Even though I just did. Race (very white) for the tag, and Cena comes in. Cena ducks something from Tomko and knocks Christian off the apron. Shoulderblocks and shit from Cena. Armdrag for Tomko. Christian up top for THE STUPID, getting punched on the way down. Jericho takes himself and Christian to the floor with a Cactus Clothesline. Cena gets Tomko with whatever his backdrop into a sidewalk slam is called. Hey, what happened to the Throwback? JR: “Cena with his version of a powerbomb!” Um, no. YCSM. JR: “You can’t see me King!” FKS. FU. 1, 2, 3. Uh-oh, Jericho comes in and attacks Cena from behind! I guess he remembered to turn heel after all. He baseballslide dropkicks Cena to the floor, bashes him into the railing, Canadian whips him into the steps, etc. Now he applies the Walls of Jericho…ON THE OUTSIDE! EXTREME! Jericho eventually breaks, and looks at the retardo belt. Lawler and King determine that the WWE Title is what he really wants. I’d like to think he’d rather have JBL’s belt. Meanwhile, Christian and Tomko give Yuna, Rikku and Paine inspirational speeches from The Farplane.

Commercials. It’s hard to get excited about staying up late to finish this when my internet access has been down for about eight hours now and I have no reason to expect it back tonight. I’m off to bed. Good night! *8-bit RPG staying at an inn music.*

Ah, better. Though I’m still poisoned and I don’t have the cash for a PURE. RVD prefers the status effect STONE. Val Venis likes to call it HARD, since you cure it with SOFT and all. I had a dream last night where Super Asia and I were chilling on the back porch, and a man and a woman came out of the woods and threatened us with knives. They forced us to remove our front teeth (which popped right out painlessly with no fuss) and try on several different pairs of false teeth. I rarely remember my dreams, and now I’m thinking that’s just as well. And you know how something that doesn’t make sense in the morning will make sense during the dream itself? Well, even as I was having the dream (um…technically a nightmare since I eventually tried to escape and got stabbed) I was thinking, “Why the Hell are these people forcing me to try on false teeth?”

Now that you’ve heard all about my deepest, darkest nightmares, I guess I should mention that Pops called the cable company about getting our connection fixed, and it’s gonna be down until at least Saturday. I’ll try to smuggle this online at work or something. If I fail, um, you won’t read this.

Back to RAW action, and it’s Diva Search shit. Hey, I’m gonna ignore them when they actually appear in person, so let’s start practicing now. Though someone said something about a “rodeo scholarship.” Did Mideon point that out on AIM, or did he cover that in an Experiencebeak? Let me check last week’s Experience OH WAIT I CAN’T! I knew I should have started saving Experiencebeaks to my harddrive for just such an emergency.

UM…BISCHOFF…UM…MAKE YOUR OWN FERENGI JOKE walks down a hall, but is assaulted by SORRY SHELTON, I FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO TURN HEEL ON who wants to be added to the already random and buildless Christian/Cena title match. CAPTAIN SISKO (w/THE TOMKO IS OF BAJOR) protest, but Bischoff loves shitty 3-ways so it’s awwwwn. THE ALBINO busts in and attacks Jericho. Remember how Jadzea (however you spell it) had to help some crusty old Klingons kill an albino known as “The Albino?” It’s all part of the DS9 theme I started building…um…halfway through the paragraph. Cena breaks through a bunch of security dudes and kinda falls at Jericho. CHIEF O’BRIEN puts a stop to it, though sadly, he is no longer wearing half a set of shoulder pads.

I’m talking about Fit Finlay, you see.

Commercials. Get backflippin’ Yoda. He backflips his way to a life of hiding on Degobah.

Our something of the something is brought to us by Advent Rising. “Save humanity and win big!” It’s Viscera kidnapping Lillian a few weeks ago. Oh boy, I hope we see Viscera in the next segment!

Already in the ring is Maven. Were he to become a cowboy, he’d be JUSTIN “HAWK” BRADPSHAW. Maven is earning big appearance points for my Fantasy Team here. My fantasy team is held at knifepoint and forced to try on different sets of false teeth. His opponent, shockingly, is BIG SEXY THE LILLIAN KILLER. Why is he still wearing the vaguely demonic cape? Oh, here’s a shocker, he’s being accompanied to the ring by NUMBER 69 ON THE TACO BELL BIG BELL VALUE MEAL. Because she’s a spicy Latina. Apparently. She’s all leathered-up. Lawler claims he has pictures to prove she and Viscera did the sexing. Then he says “get ready playa” but he’s actually talking about something else. And then he says “extremely juicylicious.” Viscera gets distracted looking at Lillian’s sweet Mexy-can, allowing Maven to clip his leg. More attacking of the leg. Maven gets a dropkick on a kneeling sex machine. He does some of that comedic muscle posing we so rarely get to see here on Monday Night Heat. I mean, RAW. The main event is going to be the new draft pic talking, isn’t it? Pshaw, there’s gotta be time for one more match after this. Right? Anyway, Maven turns and wanders into a slap across the chest, which he sells as though anyone could possibly give a shit about Viscera. Maven rakes the eyes. Should have raped the eyes, Maven, that Vis would have understood. Maven goes up and…surprisingly, connects with a missile dropkick. “Let’s Go Maven?” chant? Maven tries to Charlottesville-whip Vis, but Vis reverses into some kinda sideslam. Vis is noticeably drooling as he rises. Fat ass splash. Viscera with his retarded new spot where he pretends to butt-fuck his opponent’s corpse. Suddenly, the gold and purple shiny overalls of his Men on a Mission days don’t seem as undignified. Lawler says something along the lines of, “You’ve heard of Viagra, well that’s Visagra!” You’ve heard of a medicinal pill, well that’s a morbidly obese man pretending to dry hump someone! Now Vis angary. Maven runs up and ducks a clothesline or whatever, but runs right into Viscera’s “flying kick.” Basically, Viscera falls over sideways but kinda extends one leg far enough that Maven can run into his foot without simply tripping across Viscera’s entire body. I’ve seen him do his awful “flying kick” spot for years, and he’s seriously managed to make it even shittier here. Vis does a Sexay Dance. JR makes some reference to “OZ” what feels like twenty minutes after the “Visagra” spot. Vis with the Embalmer. Certain to get some hilarious new name like the “Large Ejaculating Penis.” Lawler: “Well, food and sex!” The end of Lillian’s hair got dipped in sweet and sour sauce at some point.

Trips and Flair talk but damned if I’m giving them nicknames when I’m in this kinda mood. Triple H decides he’s going to end the draft lottery somehow.

Hahaha, I love the teensy, tiny Teddy Long head in the top left corner of the Smackdown roster graphic.

Commercials. You can’t get people psyched about watching the replay of the ECW ppv because of the shocking appearance of Stone Cold when we got to see Stone Cold act like a jackass for free earlier in this very show. Damn it.

SWEATY MCSWEATSWEAT appears. Lawler: “Oh no!” If he has a match, it is the main event. If not, the main event is Viscera vs Maven. The announcer acts like this is a match, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Kane has equaled boring ass Edge and Lita mic segments all month. Nevermind! Oh me of little faith, we are actually getting a real barn-burner of a main event in Kane vs QUE-DOGG IN ZE CHATEUUUUU. I probably spelled Chateu wrong. Que, as in, Quebec, which sounds like a K-bec, and…look, you come up with a decent nickname for this joker. I am spent. He’s from Quebec. That’s all they’ve given me to work with, and he’s on every damned show. I can’t even milk the missed kip-up anymore, it’s too far gone. Anyway, Sylvain screams in French all the way to the ring, probably screaming about how he’s totally gonna kick Kane’s ass. Lawler: “Kane’s lived in Hell all his life!” I don’t know why, but I find that really amusing. Kane immediately punches Sylvain to death. Elbows and shit in the corner. Sylvain whipped across the ring into the corner, caught off the rebound with a sidewalk slam. Rope-assisted choking by the Hellish Hell Guy. Kane with more choking. Punch. Sylvain tries to punch back, but he runs right into…a punch. Kick by Kane. I still prefer him to the Undertaker, you know. Good God, what if the Undertaker is drafted to RAW? My false-tooth nightmares don’t see so bad. Kane did some more stuff while I digressed. Sylvain somehow takes over long enough to get a missile dropkick, but Kane does a zombie sit-up. Big kick. JR talks about rearranging dental work. GET OUT OF MY HEAD JIM ROSS! Kane with a chokeslam. Then…he lifts Sylvain up…for another! Shades of 911. JR: “The exclamation point, to the declaration, of brutality!” Never, ever talk, Jim Ross. A third chokeslam causes JR to declare Kane “chokeslamming on all cylinders!” We learn this is a sold-out crowd. They sold out! They sold out! Oh, um, Kane wins. Now we are interrupted by DON’T LET THAT GIRL KISS ME RAYE. It’s Lita. If it was Val Venis, I’d have thrown Artemis in somewhere. Lita says some mean things to Kane, and proves Kane can have a match and still equal a boring ass Edge and Lita mic segment. At the time, on AIM, I was gloating about how Lita was earning my team points while Edge was earning no points for Mideon, but SEPTAPUUUUS does show up to ruin things. But not before MEAN WOO BY GOD GENE THE BABY KILLING MACHINE is called out. Lita thanks him for saving her from having “some demon-spawned baby running around.” Then she plays with his retarded beard. And kisses him. She comes this close to saying, “thanks for killing my baby! Here’s my vagina!” Then Kane leaves. And Edge comes out, as I already mentioned with a premature bold-face nickname. The kind that makes for lame jokes about fourth-grade sex. I know we struggle for accuracy at the Weekly Visitor, but fuck correcting that. Lita announces a wedding next week, live on RAW. Lita says a moment like this is “once in a lifetime.” Lita getting fake married on RAW really ought to be once in a lifetime, but no. Edge talks about his one-eyed monster. JR: “That’s very low-class in my book!” Normally, I love wrestling weddings, but meh.

Triple H and Naitch walk around some more.

Commercials. How were the 80’s wrestling’s “Decade of Decadence?” And why aren’t they pimping the broccoli fart smell or whatever I read about when I snuck online at work today?

I don’t know what broccoli farts are. They probably have more vitamins than popcorn farts.

JR: “I’m hipper than you think!” Here’s some shitty band whose shitty song is the official song of the next shitty payperview. One Night Stand really could be a high-selling ppv at the rate Vengeance is building. In this graphic, Christian seems to be pointing at a bug in Cena’s hair. Batista is driving an imaginary car. Holy shit, Vengeance only has like three matches, doesn’t it? EW, THIS WATER IS YUCKY comes out. JR: “I absolutely don’t understand why Triple H needs to be a part of a, our newest member of RAW coming from Smackdown tonight. I don’t understand.” That’s mutiny, Mr. Christian. I mean, Ross. Oh, IN MY DAY, WE SOUGHT CAVES NEAR FRESH WATER is here too. Jimbo talks about how Trips feels naked without the title. And demands all-nude revues. Get nekkie in a hurry. Lawler: “All I can say is, sooner or later, the Game is, he’s bound to pull one out on Batista.” There’s sophomoric dick humor there, and smarky humor about the assumption that Trips will get unlimited title shots until he wins. Take your pick. Pick dick. Triple H: “Damn it’s hot in here! You know what that is? That’s me, because the Game, is on fire!” Shut up. Triple H sez he’s going to kick Batista’s ass, Hell in the Cell, world champion. “You know it’s true, you can feel it can’t you baby, the King of King’s goes back on his throne!” He’s bigger than Jesus. The Jewish one, not the Hispanic one. “Some people seem to think that this draft lottery gives them an excuse to walk out here on my show, and do whatever they think they can do whenever they think they wanna do it.” Huh? Anyway, Triple H calls out “Mr. Draft Pick.” Dramatic pause. And we get the music of THE 1996 OLYMPIC FREESTYLE ANIMALISTIC SEX GOLD MEDALIST. Nice, healthy pop, followed by the “You suck” chant. Kurt: “Well well well, Triple H. It’s been a long time.” Then…I lose my interest in transcribing everything as he sez Triple H is awesome and better than anyone on Smackdown except Angle. Kurt: “Kurt Angle is back on RAW baby! Woo!” Ric: “Nobody says ‘woo’ around here except me!” Kurt: “Woo!” Ric: “Woo!” Kurt: “Woo!” Ric: “Woo!” Kurt/Ric: “Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!” This is fabulous. A woo-off. A woo-down. Wooapalooza. Trips: “Enough! Enough! That’s enough! Hey, that’s gimmick infringement and you know it! Now listen, calm down.” Ric, it should be noted, was going even more insane than Angle, but just barely. Trips: “It’s about time you made it back to the big leagues.” Jericho is in the back mouthing “burn.” Angle reminds us that the last time he saw Trips was at Wrestlemania, where Angle made HBK tap out while Trips lost his title to Batista. Woo. Triple H pulls off his coat, revealing that his shirt is completely soaked. Triple H reminds Angle that he got his ass kicked by “Booker T’s wife Sharmell.” They’ve combined her two character names. Ric is supposed to be laughing uproariously in the background, but he’s hunched over and clapping so it looks like he’s at a motherfucking ho-down or something. Angle reminds us that he played tongue-hockey with Stephanie. Trips plays it off by saying everyone made out with his wife. Vince used to sell her to investors, you know. Triple H: “Do you have a point for coming out here, or did you just come out here to babble on, huh?” Oh, the irony. Angle’s all sweaty and disgusting too. I guess it’s the heat in the arena, but it’s really ramping up the omnipresent homosexual subtext of wrestling. Angle sez he wants to fight Batista. Ric sneaks into shot, and he’s soaked too. Angle sez if he fights Batista, Batista will choke. Pause. Triple H: “You know somethin’ Kurt, you can talk about Batista all you want.” And there’s the theme of I TOO ENJOY ANIMALISTIC SEX, who comes out. I think some soundguy was late with their cue. Dave’s new music is pretty ass, by the way. Dave shakes Kurt’s hand. Dave: “Kurt Angle. How ya doin’ Kurt? Dave Batista, World’s Champion. Welcome to RAW. Choke, huh? Choke. I’ll tell you what, Kurt. After last night on the ECW payperview, I wouldn’t talk about chokin’ if I were you.” Kurt thinks Dave is intimidated. Now Triple H spontaneously jumps in with, “him, intimidated o’ you!?” Faith and begora. Or maybe it was “a’ you.” Mate. Him, intimidated a’ you, guvanoru? Anyway, Angle had asked for a match with Batista the Monday after Vengeance, but Trips tricks him into asking for a match the week before Vengeance because Trips wants Batista softened-up and Kurt apparently became retarded. Dave, to Trips: “I see what you’re doing. Don’t do that.” But then he takes the match for next week anyway. Whatever. Angle says everybody gets what they want. I WANT SEX WITH YOUNG BOYS comes out. HBK wants a match with Angle at Vengeance. Oh, and sex with boys, but he keeps that under his queer-ass hat which…he isn’t wearing this week. Kurt’s shirt’s blue color makes the sweat on him show even more. HBK almost steps on Angle’s line. Everybody fights everybody. For some reason, Trips and HBK go after each other. I mean, they’re bitter enemies, but that normally can’t compete with hatred for whoever you’re technically feuding with. Dave…should have kept his coat on, because he’s all sweaty too.

Final Thoughts: I just hope I manage to get this posted from work so I’m not posting it on Saturday night. It could get lost in the rush.

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