STAR TREK: That stupid one with the kid who tries to act like Data because his parents are all dead and acting like Data somehow helps with that was on. And so was the one about cerebral rape. It’s like HHH and OJ combined to form HOJOH. This would lead to Sephiroth jokes if only I understood/remembered a single fucking thing from FF7’s story.
SAILOR MOON: I cannot, for the life of me, get Dr. Tomo spying on a game of Twister to tape without the visuals going all weird. Did the Cloverway DVDs get copy protection, maybe? That’s one Chad episode that won’t be wasting space on the comp.
JG IS OUT OF FERENGI JOKES is all pumped about the draft, because he knows who RAW got. “The single biggest acquisition in RAW’s history!” It’s funny because he said acquisition and he’s a Ferengi. THERE’S A FUNKY NEW ACQUISITION COMING TO TOWN runs in and says some shit about ECW, but Bischoff doesn’t care. This will be “Eric Bischoff’s defining moment!” I think that was when he crowned Miss nWo on that toilet/throne.
Grue. Whoa, is this my tape, or did RAW’s theme fuck up repeatedly? Shit. I’d better do this on my other VCR. Haha, it sounds like I’m rubbing Mideon’s face in it.
Ok, now, from my cramped room upstairs with Super Asia faithfully crammed into a corner, here’s RAW. The Hell in a Cell contract signing graphic totally makes it look like they’re going to make out. Lawler: “The official contract signing for that huge match Hell in a Cell is gonna take place, and we understand it may be right in that very ring tonight.” WOW…stay tuned for a possible contract signing! COUNTDOWN TO POSSIBLE HIGHLIGHT REEL MAYBE opens the show. Supes notes that the countdown ends at 2, which must a shout-out to Jericho’s Canadian roots. Lawler thinks Moses has been drafted to RAW. To feud with Ric Flair. Some man announces Jericho because Lillian Garcia is still being raped by Viscera. He takes it slow. Jericho thinks tonight is the night, with people buzzing and everyone is all excited and blah blah blah because Fozzy is playing on the roof of some building. With cripples in pursuit. Supes: “Hopefully it’s a Cobo Hall covered in banana peels.” Donkey Kong Jr has been up there. In this particular Cobo Hall. Anyway, it’s the first night, of the draft lottery. Jericho: “Oh yeah. Oh yeah.” Some Smackdown star will make their “Raw debut” OMG SPOPZORZ IT ISN’T BOOKER T! Jericho references his RAW debut when interrupted the Rock, back when he didn’t suck. OH COME ON, YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE I WASN’T WORRIED ABOUT makes his RAW debut. The champ should not be here. Lawler: “Do you realize, he’s the WWE champion?” Ross should be all: “Holy shit! Really!?” Lawler has a suck-up local jersey on. SHOCK. Maybe Cena will face the Masterlock Challenge, driving us to critical suck mass. Jericho: “How can this happen!?” Cena: “So I do it like they do it in St. Louis baby the champ is HERR!” St. Louis is a woman? A German man? Hallo, Ich heisse Herr Louis! Wollen sie ein Disasterpiece…um…haben? Cena should have jobbed out to Carlito on the way out. Jericho points out that RAW now has all the champs. Jericho: “And the last time there were two champs on one show, I beat ‘em both and became the first undisputed champion!” And yet, now you’re wrestling Sylvain Grenier every other week. Hey, Grenier! I bet Smackdown gets him in the draft! Jericho tells Cena they have a lot in common because they’re both musicians. Also, and I don’t want to waste a lot of cleverness with this, but they both suck. Jericho points out that he has three CDs out, but doesn’t point out that by selling one of his CDs, Cena is still ahead of him. Supes: “They should form a tag team called ‘Five Knuckle Shuffleyfeet.’” Jericho: “It’s ok kid, I got a good feeling about you, you’re gonna do just fine.” Jericho suggests that Cena pursue wrestling all-out and ignore his wrestling fans. Then he tells him, in his rage, he accidentally killed Padme. Cena tells us that real recognizes real. However, Windows Media Player does not recognize Real. Supes: “Cena just can’t accept paintbrushes.” Fake. Now Cena quotes wrestling legend Rick Steiner. QUICK, TOMKO, GO PICK UP THE 5 FOR 5 (w/FALLS THE FUCK OVER ON HIS WAY TO ARBY’S.) It’s a switcheroo. Christian’s theme music suggests closing my eyes. I can see doing that. Christian says Mark Maguire is a fraud. And pursues that to some serious heat. Christian: “This is my show poser, so go take a stroll, Canada in the house, cause that’s how I roll.” Yeah, I was worried that the fans would side with Christian if this ever happened, but I forgot about insulting baseball players and admitting to being from Canada. Cena begs Jericho’s permission to deal with “homey.” We’re not supposed to be laughing at him, but he’s saying the word “homey” in 2005. Supes: “Watch out for his soap-filled sock!” I guess Homey’s sock had something in it. Cena best beware, Christian is powered-up in Catholic Town. Cena: “That’s how you roll? Like you got your routine mastered? I’m gonna put you in your place, you creepy little bastard.” Christian’s all “oh no you didna.” I could swear Mideon said Cena’s rap started well. Cena: “Christian used to come to the ring up through the fire, wearin’ the Seinfeld shirt thinkin’ you was a vampire. You couldn’t cut it with The Brood, they even put you on the shelf. Gangrel was suckin’ blood, you were suckin’ somethin’ else.” TEH COCK. Cena: “They ain’t no way you could walk a mile in my shoes, you went from swallowing blood to blowing people’s kazoos. And now you say you got these Peeps that will follow your vision, well if you a fan of Christian I’m gonna change your religion! Listen!” If you beat Christian, I will accept the absence of any god. Haha, there’s a sign like right next to Cena’s head that says “Cena fears Christian.” Cena: “I gotta level with you Homey, it’s not that you not on my level, you not on the level below me.” So…he’s above you? Cena: “Eh, so keep talking, cause I’m gonna lay your ass down, this is the Highlight Reel, so you must be the assclowns!” Jericho, off-mic: “Burn.” So far, I’m torn between Homey/below me and ass down/ass clowns as my favorite rhymes. Cena: “You the clown with charisma, (to Tomko) who are you, the fight-starter? The only problem you solvin’ is being Christian’s life-partner.” Christian tenderly touches Tomko’s breast. Cena: “And according to you, Marky-Mark I might be, (What? Is this gangsta-rappin’ Yoda?) but I will beat both of your asses if you fight me! The champ is here! So you better pray to God you switch shows, but before you do, for all times, here’s a five-second pose.” Then Cena countdowns to middle-finger britches, and does the you-can’t-see-me. Then he whoops their asses like they were Carlito and Matt Morgan or some shit. Jericho joins in because he’s a face for this particular part of the segment. F-U to Tomko. Surely, this was a message for Matt Morgan.
Ok, so now, I’m doing the show with Triple H AND John Cena. At least with the Undertaker, you can make jokes about how he isn’t there and he’s usually not! JR: “John Cena, now the property, now a competitor on Monday Night RAW!” Very, VERY White Slavery.
Commercials. Super Asia gets to see the second of three Crazy John’s Tire House and Rims ad.
Diva Search pictures. Super Asia: “This song sucks, by the way. It’s been getting a lot of radio airplay in Charlottesville. It’s kinda whiny.” Me: “Really? Wow! Hey, do you realize John Cena is the WWE champion!?”
And now, a handicap match for a singles title. Great. THE UNDEFEATED OF THE MIDDLE EAST and TRADE ME TO SMACKDOWN WHERE I WILL MAKE A BIG (MAGIC CARPET) SPLASH are totally going to win and split the title between them. Supes: “It’s a Michael Shane/Kazarian situation. In which Daivari will later be defeated by Jeff Hammond.” Do you guys understand what he’s talking about? I was gonna go with a Jericho/Chyna joke, but neither of them went on to lose to Jeff Hammond. To the best of my knowledge. Now a fan who looks kinda like that one Osbourne kid holds up a sign that says “I VALET PARKED HASSAN’S CAMEL!” Well spelled, my racist friend. JR tells us that Bischoff gave them this match so they wouldn’t sue RAW. Fan sign: “OVW ROCKS.” The fatties are forced to roll them uphill. The champ (who is SOOO pinning Daivari) is JERICHO, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP AFTER SOCCER PRACTICE! The way this guy says “Shelton” is really creepy. Shelton’s theme tells us “he’s takin’ the brass ring” and that we can “call him anything.” He’s a criminal, and we’re expressly allowed to say so. Hassan forces Benjamin into the Eastern corner, but Shelton fights his way out. Hassan sent to the ropes and armdragged. Another, and Shelton holds on for an armbar. Daivair: “MUHAMMAD!” The crowd chants “USA,” prompting Supes to ask me what filthy foreign devil is refereeing this match. Whoever they are, they probably screwed Bret. I mean, everyone has! Shelton punches Daivari, then drops him across the ropes for some reason. Hassan attacks, but Shelton ducks whatever and knocks Daivari to the floor. Hassan kicks and clubbers. JR: “So far, pretty solid game plan by Shelton Benjamin, outwrestling both men.” That is a solid game plan. Hassan with…a Polish Hammer!? Shelton nips up, ducks a clothesline and gets a back suplex. Shelton lines up a running kneelift. Essentially the Knee Trembler. Hassan in the corner, Stingar Splash coming, but Daivari pulls Hassan clear! Shelton stunned, Deep Shiite! 1, 2, 3, but Shelton’s foot was on the rope. They play his music, but the ref reverses his decision. The chant should chant “USA” at this awful foreign heelish ref. Jack Doan. Fan sign: “BEBE.”
Commercials. Choose Hamburger Ganandorf or Hamburger Sephiroth.
Shelton is elbowing his way out of a sideheadlock when we return. Lawler isn’t sure the ref can “legally” restart the match. HE’S A CRIMINAL! AH! Shelton gets clubbered down or whatever. Here’s a replay to prevent me from seeing how Shelton got back on offense. The replay includes sound, which means Hassan just got HASSAN’D. Daivari gets caught in a choke-toss, no, Hassan attacks before the toss part. Shelton is checked into the ringpost. Hassan slams his arm into the post as Daivari gets back on the apron. Lawler thinks Hassan should be champion. JR doesn’t know about that. JR: “You’re gonna ride that horse…” and he trails off. ALONE, JR. Even I know that one. Daivari cheats. JR: “They’re badder than the 82nd Airborne in their view of when it’s two on one.” I…what? Hassan does some armlock. JR discusses the uniqueness of this match (that we saw, like, two weeks ago) is that if Daivari wins, Hassan gets the title. Well that’s just lame. Single-arm DDT by Hassan. Hassan drags Shelton over and tags in Daivari. Arm-wringer, but Shelton gets an inside-cradle for 2. Daivari stomps. We are reminded that Shelton went to school in Minnesota. Wossamatta U. More stuff happens as I look up the correct spelling of Wossamatta. Shelton fights back and gets a back body drop on Daivari. Shoulderblocks, and Hassan comes in to get one too. Stingar Splash on Daivari, Hassan is tossed, and Daivari wanders into the Exploder for 3. That was…kind of random. Hassan is ready to murder Daivari. Trade Daivari to Smackdown. I’ll miss him, but at least he can do something on that show. Not much, but something.
Two weeks ago, Triple H made one of his babyface rivals look like a bitch. You see, the thing is, Ric Flair used to have like 3 dudes backing him up in these situations, and all Trips has is the geriatric version of the guy who used to need 3 dudes backing him up.
Commercials. Wow, The Island is a big-budget, Obi-Wan starring remake of “Parts: The Clonus Horror.”
Backstage, LET’S GET NAUGHTY has a word with THIS SUNDAY FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, YOSHIHIRO LIVES AGAIN. Regal doesn’t want Tajiri to participate in One Night Stand. Tajiri’s all *JAP SPEAK.* ECW WAS ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT, IT WAS ANTI-RULES, IT WAS ANTI-LIVER enters and defends ECW against Regal’s spurious attacks. Benoit: “I never asked to be the face of ECW!” That’s good to hear. Regal tells us he’s joined the Alliance to End ECWmania. Tajiri chants “ECW,” and it only sounds a little like “EEu Cee-u Doubuluhyuaru.”
KARATE GI-I JOE and MOXIOUS MANUEVERER don’t like the ECW chants. But screw that, because it’s time to talk to someone who represents everything good about wrestling (read: mind-numbing boredom,) Joooooooohn Cena! Hey, that’s one good thing, Chimel will never announce Cena again, unless he gets drafted back or some faggy shit like that. Instead of Cena, Bischoff gets DOUBLE A, ANGRY ARABS. Woo. You know, you never really see non-angry Arabs. I’m sure it’s the media’s fault. Hassan wants Bischoff to overturn the racist referee’s decision and make him, Hassan, the Intercontinental Champion. Bischoff says he can’t do that, because the writers have decided the referee’s decision overrides the general manager this week. Bischoff says a special one-man committee will address their grievances in the ring next week. The One Man Committee demands a five-count when he pins jobbers. Hassan thinks it’s Vince McMahon, but it will actually be HO HO HO BUSINESSMEN ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK BEER! I fucking hate this show.
Commercials. Spike has an exclusive at the Best of E3 Awards. Man, they really scooped…um…whatever other channel might have wanted to cover that.
Our WWE Some X-Box Game Where You Become a Legend of the Night is Val Venis failing in the Masterlock Challenge. Truly, the stuff of legends.
Killed Stevie Richards? Check. Killed Val Venis? The check is in the mail. I wonder if Masters will target Maven next, or Tajiri? YOU HAVE FAILED US TORGO, AND FOR THIS YOU MUST DIE! does his entrance. Lawler admonishes JR for talking over it. Lawler: “It’s like a thing of reverence!” A thing of reverence. A thing of reverence is like a spunkacider. YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG IDOL-CHASING DITZ, PAL (w/KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, MINA) attacks from behind on the apron! What the fuck is that pictured on Masterpiece’s masterpanties? Fish skeletons? Save those for Artemis. Venis clubbers a lot before sending Masters in. Masters has his face rammed into the turnbuckles a few times. Chops in the corner. The crowd woos. Spine-tingler kick. Venis does some kneelifts. Masters sent to the corner and clotheslined. Val does this stupid yell, then punches. “Please cheer” posing. JR: “Val is a proud man!” He is named for, and altered his appearance to more closely resemble the penis. Masters reverses a whip, but Val counters into the sort-of-one-armed-Rock-Bottom. The Venus Crescent Beam Smash. Val covers for 2. Masters rolls out, Val gives chase, and Master throws a kneelift. Masters tries to bounce Val’s face off the steps, but Val blocks and turns the tables. Er…the chairs. Val sends Masters back in, pauses to smile like a douche, and gets kicked on his way back in. Masters tries a suplex, but Val blocks, throws some knees, and gets the Penisplex! It gets 1, apparently. Val starts pulling down Masters’ panties. Etchi, etchi Minakochan. Val gets the Blue Mountain Thunderbomb or whatever. The Venus Love-Chain Encircle. It gets 2. Ok, now he just has to miss the Moneyshot (The Venus Love and Beauty Shock) and we can end this. Masters…pulls Venis into the bottom ropes, but then wanders into a spinebuster. For 2. Mounted (ew) punching by Val in the corner, but Masters shoves him off. Val is…suddenly dead. Stupid. Masterlock applied. Lawler: “He’s got that Masterpiece locked in!” Val is choked out, I guess. A replay reveals Val did land pretty hard when Masters shoved him off the buckles. Maybe he broke some part of Val’s head too!
WOOOOOO talks to YAAAAAWN. I like how I switch from what one says to what one theoretically makes you do and you’re expected to follow and find it funny. Nothing worth hearing is said.
Commercials. RAW is from Phoenix next week. The smart money is on RAW drafting Luther Reigns from unemployment. And by “smart” I mean “not smart.”
PLEASE GET DEAN DOUGLAS TO SELECT A DEFINING MOMENT FOR ME is in the ring with a red carpet and THE LITTLE SLATER NATION. That would be the horde of security guys. Wow, look at that curly-haired weirdo security guy. Bischoff disses ECW briefly before using his overdrive meter to Grand Summon SOULTAKER. He said some crap about taking Dave’s soul last week. Bisch announces that if either Trips or Batista is drafted to Smackdown (yeah right,) Hell inna Cell will still take place. Triple H doesn’t care about the draft. Cause if he’s traded he’ll just get traded back to RAW for a couple of Blacks. How long has Triple H’s facial hair looked that that? He’s got like this trail of hair from ear to ear. Triple H has prepared a video package, and he says we won’t want to watch it. Well, yeah. We see some footage of HHH on offense in past Hells in the Cells, as a VVVoice-over tells us that HHH has ended all these careers. Hey, Jericho! I haven’t seen him for years! I wonder what he’s been up to since his career was ended? Maybe I need to be less literal and more smarky and conspiratorial. Wait, that’s not what conspiratorial means. The Question knows what HHH means by “ending careers.” HHH: “Goosebumps! Goosebumps…it’s coming home, Jack!” JACK DAVE BATISTA comes out with his new, less good music. Does that fan’s sign say “GIZMO?” Fan sign: “ST. LOUIS WELCOMES RAW.” What a polite sign. Dave says some stuff. I could swear I heard HHH mumbling “Jack” on Batista’s mic. Bischoff wants them to sign the papers. From Triple H’s hand movements, he must be one of those guys who does a swirly underline under his name. He clearly didn’t write “HHH.” Whatever could he have written? Dave signs. Staredown. Triple H: “You just signed your own death warrant.” Dave: “Good. Cause you’re gonna have to kill me to take this.” He holds up da belt. So, Dave is happy to die, huh? Trips: “Really? You’re gonna have to kill me, to stop me.” GOOD COMEBACK. Triple H promises this feud will be over for good after Vengeance. Motherfucker lied to us about leaving RAW, didn’t he? Now he offers a handshake, but Dave pulls him into the staredown. Dave: “At Vengeance, I’m gonna kick the Devil’s ass!” Sean O’Haire must have beaten up his girlfriend. The She-Animal.
Commercials. I’m almost certain Triple H was still saying stuff to “Jack” when he was off-mic.
Earlier tonight, my time is up, his time is now. I can’t bear this, his time is now. Hey, check it out, that fan sign behind Cena almost says “FLAIR IS GOO.”
ROMEO AND ANTONIO THE EIEIO BROTHERS come out with, wow, OH MAN, WHY AGAIN DID I DUMP STEVIE? She stops to stand between the Heart Throbs, and they dance up to her all sexalay, but she angrily shoves them off. Hahaha. We flashback to last week, and Victoria finding her true self. We see the Widow’s Peak, though not the nutshot. Lawler makes some lame joke about reading in Victoria’s bio that her favorite sport was kickball. Whoa, if she really has a bio (of course she doesn’t,) that oughta be required reading at The WV. Along with the Undertaker’s Deadjournal. Available soon in paperback. But it’ll be, like, scary human skin paper like the Necronomicon or whatever is printed on. That book Ash is always combating. It tells all about the 80 billion Pokemon species. Anyway, Victoria will be continuing her pink blood feud with WHORE and the world tag team champions WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET SEX FROM HER! GOT ANY MONEY? and JUST SOME CHUCK E. CHEESE TOKENS (w/FEEL FREE TO BORROW MY NERDS FOR TONIGHT, FELLOW WHORE.) I couldn’t decide if Chuck E. Cheese or Showbiz would be funnier. Or, indeed, funny. I wanted to make a joke about Hurricane trying to buy sex with galactic credits or some shit, but I can’t find any reference on the net to how much money Solo owed Jabba. So, yeah. Fucking kill all the faces, Victoria. Then kill your partners. The Heart Throbs play rock paper scissors. Antonio and Hurricane start. Fireman’s carry by Hurricane, but he gets sent to the ropes and eats some kick. Hurricane with a flying clothesline and a suplex. Floatover into a cover, but Romeo breaks up the fall. Antonio tags in Romeo. Modified Shine Aqua Illusion. Romeo covers for 2. He sends Hurricane back in the cover, and tags in Nunzio. Er…Antonio. Hurricane chucked into the corner some more. Suplex by Antonio, cover for 2. Hurricane is slammed into Romeo’s boot, and Romeo is tagged in. Modified Shine Aqua Illusion. Victoria wants in. She’s tagged in! Victoria stomping away on the Hurricane. Hahaha. Now Victoria tries to drag Hurricane to her corner, but Hurricane kicks her off. Hurricane tags in Christy, who, aw crap. Clothesline. Clothesline. Kick to the gut, Victoria reverses a whip, but Papa Shangos (Mama Shangos?) and gets her head slammed against the mat. Choking but Hemme. It’s breaking down here on RAW. The ref pulls Christy off, Christy pretends she’s going to stop, but then crawls between the ref’s legs to choke Victoria. The ref calls for the bell when she won’t break, and the fans boo the shitty ending. Christy tackles Victoria through the ropes and out of the ring, and chokes some more. Victoria tries to crawl away because I hate RAW. The superheroes drag Christy away as Victoria looks stunned. The Heartthrobs sneak into shot, but we cut away before Victoria shoves them away.
BISCHOFF WITH TWO F’S tells some dude that his name is Bischoff with two f’s. COHN JENA is in his office. He won’t shake Eric’s hand. Next week, “John Cena’s very first match!” Bischoff books Cena and Jericho vs Christian and Tomko next week. Cena be feelin’ dat, dog. Bischoff thinks they can have a good working relationship. Cena makes with the hilarious gay jokes. Bischoff wants Cena to invade ECW. Cena mentions that WCW sucked. Yuck fou, “homey.”
The Smackdown Rebound is a montage of RAW Superstars. No, it really is.
Our Juicy Drop Pops Are Apparently Not Poisonous Slam of the Week is Viscera kidnapping Lillian. I had a Juicy Drop Pop, and it wasn’t poisonous. I received said candy in the mail in my capacity as a rebeaker. From a guy. Gentle readers, you do know that I am a guy, right? Not to sound ungrateful. It was the first time I’ve gotten…well, paid for rebeaking. But if I get sexy underwear next time, I’m leaving.
Wait, my Mystery Benefactor did get something posted here which possibly makes him staff. So I guess I haven’t really been rewarded by my readership yet. Get to work on that, ya bums.
Lawler suggests that Viscera and Lillian are at a nude beach. Oh yuck yuck yuck. Then we flashback to last Monday’s crap with Lita and the one true toilet ring. THROUGH EMOTIONAL TRAGEDY AND PERSONAL ANGST IT’S KANE has a match with a mystery opponent. Giovanni. His opponent is BAIT (w/SWITCH.) Edge is dressed in street clothes, carrying a microphone and…we’ll, I’m sure Lita will show up or get on the Stupidtron to be Switch eventually. Edge says Kane gets no match tonight, but they will FIGHT IT OUT at Vengeance. Edge talks some more. He pretends we’re gonna have a match again, but then no. Now Lita comes out. Lawler: “She’s pouring her heart out!” She’s lying through her tooth! Lita talks. Lita tells us that because Vengeance is in Vegas, maybe she and Edge will get married. Then they kiss. Lawler makes disgusting noises. You know, specific to the visuals.
Commercials. This Gatorade ad features the “human blast furnace” in Hawaii. Supes: “Human blast furnace? I thought that was in Germany?” Me: “Whoa.” Then the narrator goes on to tell athletes how sweaty they are. Shades of Lita.
THE KANSAS CITY KID joins us on commentary, looking pissed. He says he will answer the questions before they’re asked. Lawler: “What’s the question?” Coach: “Exactly.” Lawler: “Well what’s the answer to the question?” Supes: “42.” Lawler: “Oh, I think I get it now.” Actually, before Lawler said that we heard the theme music of IF I STARRED IN THE FILM “LIAR LIAR,” THE PLOT WOULD HINGE ON THE RETURN OF MY MISSING TOOTH. This is “an ECW Rules match.” In order to win, you must make your opponent say “ECW Rules!” Here’s footage of Snitski’s shocking (ly boring) return last week. His opponent is I GROW TIRED OF WEAK, POWERLESS BABIES. DEATH TO TODDLERS! Snitski gets baseballslide dropkicked off the apron to the floor before he gets in the ring. Benoit gives him a trashcan lidshot. More weapons shots. Lawler, who had been talking up how he totally agrees with Coachman: “Coach, be quiet. I wouldn’t trust Paul Heyman if his tongue were notarized.” Marginalizing Blacks and reusing ancient material all in one quotation. Another trashcan lidshot by Benoit. JR tries to stick up for ECW against two heel commentators. Benoit sends Snistki back in and kicks and stuff. Snitski fights back, sends Benoit to the corner, gets caught in a rear-waistlock, flails his way out of that, and gets taken down for the Crawlspace. But…he escapes by grabbing a trashcan lid. Next week: Extreme Heat. Val Venis vs Steven Richards – Prince of Darkness Death Match. Supes: “I’ll show you! You won’t see!” That’s a fancy name for a blindfold match, ya see. Snitski with a scoop slam. He grabs the garbage can and wedges it between the corner turnbuckles. And, another can, in the opposite corner. Benoit gets whipped into one of them. Snitski makes goofy noises. Benoit whipped into the other can corner. Sideslam on the trashcan lid by Snitski. Coach says Snitski is a Crusader. He’ll face Hassan and Daivari next week. Snitski lines up a big boot, but Benoit sidesteps and Snitski hot-shots his own nads. Trashcanshot by Benoit. He goes outside and procures a table. Coachman: “I’m not afraid of that table!” Yeah right. He has nightmares about tables under his bed. Benoit dodges a Snitski punch and gets Rolling Germans. Snitski decides to lie down on the table. Benoit punches him some. Headbutts. Coachman: “I’d rather not comment on Snitski right now…I’m not enjoying this match, are you?” Benoit goes up, but Snitski lumbers over to the ropes and crotches him. Another trashcan lidshot, and Benoit falls to the floor. WE ARE HERE ON ORDERS FROM THE BOSS sneak in behind Snitski. Yes, the exciting return of the Dudleyz is to use 3-D to put Snitski through a table. Ross: “The Dudleys bleed ECW blood!” Is that the universal donor or the one that can accept any type of blood?
Commercials. Blorgle.
Moments ago, stuff. Ross: “The Dudleyz are not a member of RAW!” During the break, Benoit went for a swandive headbutt and won, we learn. During the break. Lame. Ross acts like it’s only in ECW where this could happen. Because in WWE, the matches halt during the breaks. Coach and security seek the Dudleyz. They see them, and try to arrest them. THE KOOL-AID MAN, OH YEAAAAAAH shows up and convinces Coach that it makes Bischoff look gutless if they get arrested for answering Bischoff’s challenge. They decide to have a non-match confrontation…IN THE RING! NEXT! It may just happen! TONIGHT! POSSIBLY!
Commercials. You know, I’m not sure I can order ppvs, but this sure as Hell doesn’t make me want to.
Next week, Christian and Tomko vs Cena and Jericho. Super Asia raises my hopes with a fantasy booking scenario in which Jericho is late, Christian and Tomko win, Christian gets drafted to Smackdown, and Cena feuds with Jericho while Christian tells the whole Smackdown roster he’s a bigger star than any of them because he beat their champion.
You better be right. Actually, I dreamed up the second half.
ALPHA TEAM, GO!! hit the ring. Lawler: “I invaded once, you know!” Bischoff yaks away with Edge, Christian and Tomko. Eric: “Quite frankly I always thought the Dudley Boyz were a little overrated.” Eric is winning me back. Eric says he will kill ECW. JR: “He’s done it before.” Yeah, he sure did. Mideon has already covered how retarded this claim is. Though he forgot MIKEY WHIPWRECK. We cut to Heyman and the Dudz walking. Lawler says they’re leaving and gloats. Then they show up in the arena, because Lawler is retarded. Fan sign: “Bring back WCW not ECW.” Bischoff plant. Vash and Knives’ Uncle Eric. Heyman yells about his children’s souls. I thought he’d never touched a woman? Did he, some week I skipped it, sell the sexayness of Dawn Marie? Bischoff summons BETA TEAM, GO!! from the backstage area. Heyman and the Dudz are outnumbered by all these jobbers. Heyman summons I’LL EAT ANYTHING, BEWARE MY RAZOR UPPERCUTS, FUCKING FIRED MOTHERFUCKER, AXL ROTTEN, MAYBE, OR A SLIGHTLY YOUNGER DUSTY RHODES?, and I…UH…NO IDEA. Both sides rush the ring. Various RAW jobbers get kendo-sticked out. Hahaha, Rhyno GORES Edge. It looks like Maven is the final RAW survivor. Sandman whacks him with a kendo stick, and JR calls it. The guy I don’t recognize at all sets Maven up in the Tree of Woe, and JR is obviously struggling to place him to. Tommy Dreamer gets to baseballslide kick a chair into Maven’s face. 3-D for Maven. Dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh he ain’t lovin’ it. Lawler: “This is the blackest day in RAW history!” Everyone is a criminal!
Final Thoughts: I’m keeping them to myself, lest Sofa feel guilty and Mideon start checking the personals for openings at thecubsfan.com.
