Hey. Sofa’s not back yet, and Mideon has to sleep sometime. You’re stuck with me. Sorry.
Star Trek: Quark plans to sell his desiccated remains. It’s like the time Iraqi Sergeant Slaughter desiccated an American flag. I’ve seen this episode like a billion times so I took a stab at finishing off the Moon DVDs.
Sailor Moon: I didn’t have the patience. Almost there. I love Rei’s reaction to learning who Chibi-Usa really is. She’s so outraged and loud, even she gets embarrassed. Oh, and Supes reminds me that it was cool when a Monster of the Day named “Dogba” told Emerald to keep it down.
Hey, Dennis Miller is shilling NetZero. It’s a good thing I stopped liking him.
Tweener Bischoff elicits boos. I’d prefer booze. Now we get a recap of last week’s Beat the Clock challenge, including everyone’s times. If RVD were involved, he’d get a time of 4:20 in hilarious fashion. I don’t get how Triple H’s match gets sad piano music.
I LOVE MATURE WOMEN LIKE LINDA AND MOOGIE has the big gold belt. I still find it odd that the big gold belt has supplanted the WWE title. If the writers of GTA booked RAW, last week would have been “Beat the Cock.” Bischoff says this week, the Elimination Chamber Dudes will have a chance to “beat each other.” Circle Jerk Challenge. Tonight we get Benoit vs Batista, Edge vs Jericho, and Orton vs Trips. Wow. Have I mentioned recently that RAW is a billion times better than Smackdown?
We waste no time in hitting the music of BACON BANANA RULES BARTER TOWN. His music is sooooo Road Warrior. Even though Barter Town was from Beyond Thunderdome. Oh Road Waaaaaaariors, you know the reeeeeest! His opponent, as we just heard is HEY CENA I’LL TRADE YOU A NEW KIDNEY FOR A LIVER AND SOME TEETH. I came THIS close to making a Wild Pegasus/Sailor Moon Super S joke, so consider yourselves lucky. Both of you. Batista is working on goofy-ass babyface posing. He’s skipping to the ring. And he gives some fan a thumbs-up!? That’s not the “one finger salute” Dave I know and love. Fan sign: “BEWARE OF THE RABID WOLVERINE CHRIS BENOIT.” I hope Benoit takes your warning to heart, kind sir. Lawler: “Batista has never been the champ! That makes him a hungry animal JR!” He’s a hungry, hungry hippo. And Benoit is a whole pound of food hippos love. Lock-up, and Batista shoves Benoit the fuck down. Batista forces Benoit into the corner and gives him a bunch of knee-lifts. Batista sends Benoit to the ropes and flails about like a giant gork. Benoit slides between his legs, catches Batista’s kick, and gets a dragon screw leg-whip. He tries to turn it into a Sharpshooter, but Batista kicks him away. Benoit ducks a clotheslines and chops away, but Batista scoops him up and gets a ribbreaker. JR: “Backbreaker!” Batista takes the padding off a turnbuckle, so Benoit casually hooks him for the Rolling Germans. Benoit is rolling! Benoit goes up, but Batista is rolling out of the ring before Benoit can even pose up there. Lawler though Batista was “too incoherent” to escape. You’re getting Batista confused with yourself, King. Benoit follows Batista out, but Batista hits him with a kneelift, then flings him into the railing. Batista rolls Benoit back in, and gives chase. Benoit sent into the corner, but Batista charges into the boot. JR talks about the “Evil Elimination Chamber,” which eliminates evil. Benoit goes up top again, but gets crotched. Batista punches away, then gets a…what the fuck? He fisherman suplexes (without bridge) Benoit off the top without even climbing the turnbuckles himself! Batista stops to pose, then covers for 2. Single-leg Boston Crab. Shades of Single Leg Rick Martell. Now he grabs Benoit’s hand and makes Benoit pretend-tap. Not as cool as Brok doing it to unconscious Benoit in the fucking best match ever. Batista releases the hold out of boredom as Jerry “Fucking Retarded” Lawler claims Benoit tapped. Benoit chops his way back briefly, but Batista fires back. Batista Washington whips Benoit into the ropes, big ol’ spinebuster. JR, to my mild surprise, does not mention Arn Anderson (who did the “grab them, spin 180 degrees and slam them” version and not the “grab them, hold them up for a second and them slam them in the direction you were facing all along” version anyway.) Batista covers for 2. I guess getting a 2 count every time makes that spinebuster somewhat Andersonian. Benoit chops back some more, has a kick caught, and enzoogweerees Batista. Naptime. Benoit up first, and he gets a low-angle dropkick to a kneeling Batista’s face for 2. Batista knees his way back, scoops Benoit up for something, but Benoit slips out and gets a German. Up top...Air Atlanta connects! It gets a long 2. Benoit hits the ropes and delivers a low-angle dropkick to the back of Batista’s left knee. You can do nothing to harm his people-sized legs, Benoit. Benoit hits the ropes, Batista tries for another spinebuster, but Benoit slips out and shoves Batista into the Crippler Crawlspace! JR says the Elimination Chamber is “Satan’s structure to say the least.” Goof. Batista…FUCKING POWERS UP TO HIS FEET CARRYING BENOIT OVER HIS HEAD. Now he goes to the turnbuckle he uncovered before, rams the helpless Benoit’s face into it three times, and drops him on it for a fourth shot. Fuckin’ A, man. Batista screams, and the sound is muted to escape any swears. Banana Bomb! Ain’t no Vanilla Midget getting’ up from that. The ref counts 3. Fan sign: “Everyone Fears Batista.” Does his mother fear him? His mother Echinda. Sofa may get it.
Here’s a debate graphic. Lawler says “I’m not in much of a talking mood tonight so boys, keep your words soft and sweet because you may have to eat ‘em!” He said that pretty much word for word during the preview bit during CSI (which I had muted until I saw a wrestling ring.)
Commercials. Only a real man can order a hamburger that would be good if not for shitty salad dressing. I miss you, Dr. Angus. Haha, local ad for “Dominion Floor Covering.” Best carpets in the entire Gamma Quadrant.
Oh crap, Googling Echinda gets you some real animal. I’m talking about the mother of the Sphinx, Chimera, and a bunch of other Final Fantasy palette-swap enemies.
I broke for sleep and a day of working my crappy job at this point in the beaking process. In the last 24 hours, I dropped by thecubsfan.com to post a defense of my hating on Dudleyz vs Venis/Storm last year, in which I threatened to do a Best of Smackdown 2004 thing. Well, that’s looking less and less likely since I realized most of the coolest Brok stuff I thought was from January was from December 2003. I did enjoy the Best of Velocity, though. I did the bulk of the beaks, but it’s just as well Mideo picked which matches were best. I’d have been forlorn when I realized Kanyon/Collyer vs Spanky/London was also from December 2003. Man…December 2003 ruled.
Oh, in other news, I randomly came across the only WWE Magazine I ever bought today. It featured a story about how unified Edge and Christian were when the break-up was like minutes away. Other highlights included Steven Richards complaining about that nuisance Crash, and a warning of the inevitability of a complete WWE takeover by the unstoppable young faction called X-Factor.
HELP ME, MY SKULL IS TRYING TO POKE OUT OF MY FACE! WOO! talks to SPIKE DUDLEY (WHOEVER HE IS) THINKS HHH STANDS FOR HA! HA! HA! Ric is rightfully excited about how much ass Batista kicked in the end of that match. BANANAS GIVE ME THE STRENGTH OF 20 MEN. 20 BIG MEN. is Batista. His nickname refers to the old Bananaman cartoon. Forget it. Ric tells Trips that all he has to do Monday is “beat the other four guys” until Batista comes in and kills everyone. Uh…but Trips. So Trips just has to beat them so Batista can beat them some more. Flair, to Dave: “You were awesome! Awesome!” It’s getting real gay in there. Triple H says he knows he can count on Dave. Dave: “I can count on you to give me that hundred bucks you owe me, right?” OH SNAP. Last week, Trips bet Dave $100 that Dave couldn’t get a better time than he could. Trips acts all intense, then: “Ric, give him a hundred bucks.” Dave doesn’t want Ric’s money, he wants Helmsley’s. Dude, maybe Jindrak and Cade stole his Goldberg-killing money again. Trips acts pissed, but pulls out a Franklin. Dave: “Would you get a sense of humor? Relax man, I’m just kidding! I don’t want your money.” And he leaves. Nice. Batista and RVD would totally get along, dude.
THOSE HEADLIGHTS SURE DO HOLD MY INTEREST is going to interview Snitski later. I hope he eats her. Here’s a replay of Dabo Tuesday. Kane confronted when he should have evaded. He then acquired internal injuries and…I forget what the fourth Dabo action is. Now SHITSKI HAHAHAHA is here. Maria asks him how he feels. He feels like he can’t act for shit. He whispers something gross in her ear, then sniffs her hair and creeps her out. He manages to talk to the camera without sniffing it. “Tonight, what happens, it’s not…my…fault.”
MY HOW THE ARCHANGEL HAS FALLEN chats with I’M A BLACKBELT. NO, REALLY. Edge doesn’t want HBK to be the special (retarded) ref at whatever the ppv is called. Edge and I are on the same page. Of his book that like four people bought. Bischoff says “too bad so sad,” essentially. Bischoff said that by hurting HBK, Edge cost him (Bischoff) money. Because Bischoff owns a gay porn theater in San Antonio, I guess. Anyway, Edge should just get Flair to cover his debts.
Commercials. An ultimate edition DVD of The Fifth Element would make a great gift for a friend you really shouldn’t have.
The WWE Rewind is brought to you by WWE Smackdown vs RAW which is a WWE game for WWE fans. It’s Edge costing Bischoff money.
HEY THERE EDGE, I HEAR CLEARLY, THAT YOUR MUSIC REALLY SUCKS is greased-up and ready for action. This is his chance to feel aliiiiiive, by the way. I’m pretty sure that’s in the words. He teases a ring-hump, but doesn’t deliver. Lawler: “Fruity, delicious, delicious fruity fruity fruity Skittles!” Fuck-up. I LIKE TO DRESS SHEEP IN SWEETBRITCHES would be just like Edge if he (Jericho) were Canadian. He rides out in a jaunty jalopy and makes jokes about Calvin Coolidge. JR and King talk about the 2 miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber. That could make for a really dull Russian chain match. Are there non-Russian chain matches, or does not being Russian automatically downgrade it to Bullrope? There’s the bell. The cowbell. Circling, lock-up, and Sam won’t stop screaming. Edge with a go-behind, but Jericho reverses and takes him down. Jericho pulls the hair to set up a…well, JR calls it a “bow-and-arrow.” It’s like a sideways inverted surfboard, but for some really weird reason dating back to the days of Worldwide, we in the G family call it “The Regaltron.” Jericho has to release so he won’t be pinned. Edge punches. Jericho sent to the corner for beatings. Chris kicks and chops Edge down. Edge sent to the ropes, and eating a back elbow by Jericho. They brawl back and forth a bit more. Edge sends Jericho to the ropes, but Jericho catches himself. He flashes Edge the fingerless version of the “fuck you” gesture and says, “Come on, assclown!” Speaking of assclowns, I still can’t believe nothing has come of Edge and Christian being back on the same brand. Edge stupidly charges Jericho and gets dumped to the floor. Jericho misses a baseball slide (SA: “Hockey slide,”) and they clothesline each other on the floor. Let’s take a nap on the floor and all get counted out!
Commercials. Coach Carter is about some coach. Welcome back, Coach Carter! Oh fuck, it’s Welcome Back Kotter. I don’t know shit.
Edge is doing some kinda armlock on Jericho. Both men are down. Kinda looks like the Rings of Saturn. Wait, he’s only got one arm. They called that “Rings of Stretch” in the post-Saturn Smackdown games. The Rings of Fired. I fell in to a burning Rings of Fired. Gail Kim was there. Jericho gets to his feet and punches his way out of whatever. Jericho Papa Shangos, so Edge gives him a single-arm DDT. Edge slaps on a…some kind of armlock. JR: “That…that armbar. With the pressure on the elbow.” Jericho punches his way out of this too. Jericho gets the flying burrito. And another. There’s a bulldog. JR: “Modified bulldog takedown!” Whatthefuckever. Lionsault…misses, but Jericho lands on his feet. He sells the leg, though, like he landed bad. Jericho with…wow, he’s trying for the non-springboard MCFS/West Coast Pop. And he does it perfectly, even failing to hook the legs and having to reach back for them. Edge escapes at 2. Edge sends Jericho to the ropes and Papa Shangos, and gets kicked. Climb-up enzoogweeree by Jericho. Ah, a shufflyfeet to call my own. Jericho prances, dances, and runs into the ropes…then into a big boot by Edge! Edge fails to follow up with a legdrop, and thus only gets 2. Edge hauls him up for a DDT, but after some reversing, Jericho ends up getting a Northern Lights for 2. Edge kinda broke the bridge, but mostly kicked out. Jericho looking for the Walls, but Edge kicks him away. Jericho with some flying takedown…something. Jericho covers for 2, twice. Jericho with a punt kick to Edge’s ribs. Chris going up, but Edge catches him with a right. Edge looking for the superplex, Jericho fighting it…and Jericho pitches Edge face-first to the mat! Edge ducks a high crossbody, and both men are down. Edge is up first, looking for the spear. Jericho leapfrogs like a pansy! Jericho tries for a victory roll or a MCFS or something, but Edge sits on him and grabs the rope (reaching right over the ref who is struggling not to get in the way OMG FAKE) for the win. Well, I dunno, that was a little underwhelming. Nothing bad, just not great or anything.
The interactive question asks who will win Orton vs Trips tonight. I…thought you’d wanna know.
COACH CARTER talks to *ASKS IF YOU EVER GET THAT “NOT SO FRESH FEELING” IN A MELODRAMATIC WAY*. Coach manages not to ask for an explanation of those various incidents where “JR” morphed into “RKO.” Orton: “1…2…3 with an R…K…O.” You…suck…lots because you…suck…lots.
Commercials. The St. Louis Freds have an intense rivalry with the Kansas City Barneys. Come to think of it, I didn’t hear Barney Claus say “Ho ho ho I’m hu-hu-hungry” at all this year.
JR and Lawler thanks the UK fans watching live at 2AM. Drunk. Lawler thanks Jimbo for working on his birthday. This year, he turns fat. JR just hopes that the Sooners win the Orange Bowl HAHAHAHAHAHA. CURRENTLY SUING FOR VISITATION RIGHTS WITH FIFI (w/FRENCH SYNTHESIZERS ONLY PLAY THAT FAKE ACCORDIAN MUSIC) are hangin’ out in the ring. Here comes HE’S A CRIMINAL! HE’S A CRIMINAL! PUPPIES! JR: “This is a young man I suggest you keep every both eyes one!” And now I TEACH MY MALE JAPANESE STUDENTS TO WEAR TINY, TINY HOTPANTS comes out for no reason. Shelton gives him a quizzical look, and gets attaxored for his trouble. Conway attacks Shelton on the outside. Maven: “He took his eye of his opponent! He took his eye off his opponent! He did, didn’t he? And that’s exactly what I’m out here doing tonight.” Taking your eye off your opponent, dear boy? I don’t know why I added the “dear boy.” Racism, probably. Shelton is rolled in for 2 counts and stomps by Gernier. Vertical suplex by Grenier. Maven talks about some six-man tag where Maven pinned Benjamin. The title wasn’t on the line, but “it should have been.” Grenier gets a cravate, maybe, and a back suplex. Shelton sent to the corner. Maven discusses watching a tape of himself pinning Shelton with “63 of his closest friends.” They watched it “16 or 18 times.” I was probably watching Sabu and Scorpio at that point, but to each his own. Grenier charges into an elbow, then evades a Shelton clothesline and slaps on a full-nelson. And…no slam, he just holds him. He wants the ref to double-team. Conway waves the flag. Grenier is really working this full-nelson. Shelton backs Grenier into the corner, and…Grenier is still trying to attack. Shelton finally takes over with punches. Back body drop, and there’s a flying forearm. Stinger Splash, distraction by Conway, and Grenier gets a dropkick. Grenier with a kip-uoof. He tries to kip-up, and falls on his ass. So sad. Faggoty tag teams from Quebec should be experts at kipping-up. Grenier is like a combination of Tyson Tomko and one the Fabulous Rougeaus. Tyson Tomkgeau. I missed this fuck-up live, so I guess this is what everyone was bitching about in the columns. Grenier…gets up and apologizes to Conway for being a fuck-up!? I think some heel miscommunication was skipped. Like, they just forgot to do it. Benjamin up, leap-frogging over Grenier to knock Conway off the apron. I wonder if I’ve accidentally called either Dupree yet? No proofreading this week. Now Shelton kicks, Grenier catches it…Silvan, don’t catch Shelton’s foot, m’kay? Money Clip. The ref counts 2, then stops, because Grenier was supposed to kick out and didn’t. God damn, Robbie. They weren’t kidding when they said Rene was carrying the team. JR: “Grenier got a shoulder up? I think he did!” Lawler (who is supposed to side with the heel:) “I don’t think he…I dunno! What do you think, Maven, did he get a shoulder up?” Maven: “Uh…um um.” Lawler: “He must have!” Grenier wanders right into the Exploder. Maven: “That was tonight, that wasn’t me, and this isn’t New Year’s Resolution.” Indeed. Well said. Way to pull an IC title match for the ppv out of your asses, WWE.
JR wants to take a special look at the “Satonic” structure that is the Elimination Chamber. Satonic. Is it a sardonic Satan? Perhaps some special Satanic tonic? Maybe it’s a sardonic tonic? A muted Bischoff voice says scary stuff over shots of bloody, long-haired fellows.
THE UNORIGINAL SHEIKS wander around backstage. Lawler says he’s not in a talking mood, but totally forgets to tell the Arabs to keep their words short and sweet because they may have to eat them. Super Asia’s response to that nickname? A sarcastic “ooh.” Or maybe it was sardonic.
Commercials. Elektra is the story of a super heroine who wants to screw her Dad, I think. But I hear he’s pretty hot. And here’s a Spike TV plug about urinating. Get Cena on RAW. Please.
Our Subway Eat Fresh of the Week is Lawler being shoved around in hilarious fashion. THE GUY THE CLOSED-CAPTIONING GUYS THINK CALLS THE ACTION ON VELOCITY introduces the debate like it was a match. USC 55, OU 19 and YOU ARE NOT ELVIS are already in the ring. They will represent the side of “We hate Arabs.” Their debate opponents with whom they can’t possibly end up physically fighting, introduced as being “from Michigan,” are I SHOULD TEAM WITH BLACK ISLAMIC MILITANT SHELTON BENJAMIN AS MOHAMMAD HAASAN and WHY DON’T YOU COME WITH ME LITTLE GIRL, ON A MAGIC CARPET SPLASH? Did you know that translated into English, their theme music’s lyrics are “ahhhh, yeaaaaaah, ahhhh, yeaaaaaah?” I’m fluent in whatever language that’s in. Some fan with a shitty US flag sign notices she’s on the Stupidtron and gets all excited. Hassan sez America is racist. Slavery comes up. I’m a first-generation Irish immigrant. My hands are so fucking clean when people trot out history. Hassan talks some more. Where are those little lights that came on when Bush and Kerry had to shut up? But honestly, Hassan’s debating skills are quite high. Masterful, even (yeah! *self high-five.*) Lawler: “Are there racists in this country? Absolutely!” He knows at least two. Lawler argues that the crowd doesn’t hate these Arabs because they’re Arabic, but because they’re jackasses. I wish it was true. That sums up my take pretty well, though. Hassan sez Arabs who don’t make a point of being extra Arabic suxxor. Then he calls JR out. Hassan says he’s just as American as the Oklahoma Sooners. OH SNAP! He dares JR to say…something. JR: “I got something to say to you there Moe-hammed!” Then he calls them boys. “As far as America is concerned, you love it, or by God you leave it.” Not exactly breaking surprising new ground, here. Hassan and Davari beat up our commentators. Great, we have to see Lawler and JR wrestle, and we don’t even get Coach to make it fun. Lawler gets choked, and JR is strangled with his tie. And a belt. It’s pretty funny, actually. Someone dub in his screams from the fire incident. Lawler recovers, wraps his belt around his fist, and chases off the evil Muslims. If Hassan’s finisher doesn’t turn out to be the Camel Clutch, something is wrong. Hey, their music is playing! They are THE NEW WINNERS OF THIS DEBATE.
Commercials. Yeah, lucha-themed McDonalds ad. The new South of the Border burger is made from Pepito or whatever the hell El Toro's little friend is named. Oh, Paco.
THERE’S A FUNKY NEW COMMENTATOR, COMING TO TOWN is out to make the rest of this show a lot better. Coachman is shocked that anyone would beat up Lawler and Ross, hahahaha. I BROKE UP WITH JERICHO WHEN HE ASKED ME TO “BAA” is out. She makes me feel all funny. Normally, I feel incredibly unfunny. There’s a graphic of her in a sort of black leather outfit with pink trim that…yeah. VICTORY-LESS HAHA BLEH has this black shiny outfit with spiders on the breasteses and…I’m gonna stop talking about the outfits before I embarrass myself. I assume this is what Victoria wore on Heat. I need to start watching Heat more often. Coachman keeps talking about how Trish is “in control” when she’s on offense and everyone is wearing skimpy shiny black and I apologize. SA, on the “Go” theme music: “Go where?” Me: “Not to the pay-window.” So funny. Trish looks pissier than usual. Coach does this “I’m not a fan of JR but that was awful” bit. So…he’s a face now? Why? Trish punches Victoria down, kicks the crap out of her, backs her into the corner, punches her, and gets a snap-mare. Hair-pull thing. Cover for 2m and Victoria hasn’t done a single move. Victoria tries to punch back, but Trish forces her into the corner and…goes up top for that weird “I’m on the top rope giving you a head-vice” spot. More kicking. What is this? I know Trish is getting a title shot, but why is Victoria not getting to fight back at all? Trish lines Victoria up under the ropes and monkey-flips her into them. Monkey-magic hot-shot. Now going for Stratusfaction, but Victoria wakes up and gets a back-suplex. Coach: “Sidewalk slam!” Why do we like him again? I guess because he fell out of his chair over some pyro. Trish punches some, but Victoria ducks the Blonde Kicking You In The Fucking Face Kick and gets a ruthless rollup for 2. When faces are fucking kicked, blondes are always involved somewhere. Punches are traded. Victoria gets some clotheslines, an elbow, and a headbutt. Bodyslam by Victoria. Dancy standing moonsault (Coach: “Shaking the tailfeather!”) but Trish moves. She hunkers down and waits for Victoria to rise, them kicks her in the back of the head. Modified IMPTHOKK. The modification is that the H is for Her now. Trish calls out Lita. ON BEHALF OF PLANET JUPITER I’LL FUCKING ELECTROCUTE YOU comes out to cook well and misidentify chess pieces and be tall and point at her bosoms. Because Lita is also the name of Sailor Jupiter. Lita slaps Trish in the face, and they start beating each other. Coach: “They don’t wanna wait until San Juan Puerto Rico!” That’s a place, not a time. Coach: “Strish!” Lita takes over, and pyro explodes for no real reason. Shades of that time pyro blew up during a Matt Hardy match and he claimed that automatically means it’s over. You remember Matt Hardy, right? IT’S NOT A CHOICE OR A CHILD OR MY FAULT comes out. What was with the pyro? He distracts Lita, who is chick kicked. Snitski grabs a chair and brings it in. You know, I’d be more into his character if he was laying out both wommens. But here comes THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT’S FREDDY. It’s Kane the Satardonic. He gets no pyro because his pyro blew prematurely. Make your own joke about exploding prematurely here. Kane chases Snitski away. Lita looks happy to see him. He smiles. Aw. What was the waiter’s name in Paris? Jean-Luc! He serves only Earl Grey tea. Trish hit the Farplane at some point, by the way.
Commercials. Long John Silver’s has a “legendary” fish sandwich. There are legends surrounding this sandwich. They wouldn’t lie.
Here’s more Elimination Chamber montagery. Sailor Moon’s attack throughout the R season is called “Moon Princess Elimination.” Why she wants to eliminate herself (she being the Moon Princess and all) is unclear. Unless Rini is supposed to be the Moon Princess. I’m all for an attack that eliminates her. But yeah, Moon has an attack called “Moon Princess Elimination.” I misheard when I thought her S attack was “Rainbow Moon Heart Ape.”
Coach gives us a rundown of the New Year’s Resolution card. Ugh, Hassan (w/Davari) vs Lawler (w/JR.) I hope Davari cheats and sneaks in a Magic Carpet Splash. Is he the same guy as Sheik Shawn? And there’s Trish’s pink-trim outfit again. Gurp.
THE ACTUAL WINNER OF THE DIVA SEARCH STILL NEEDS TO GET OFF MY TV is doing a photo shoot or something. IN SCHOOL I WAS OFTEN IN TROUBLE FOR TARDINESS comes out and sings Lindsay Lohan. Josh is so jealous of Eugene right now. THE TRUE COMMISSIONER OF ALL WWE BRANDS comes out and calls whatshername “Flower.” Everyone but Regal leaves. Regal sings Lindsay Lohan. And gets caught. That was either awesome or awful, I dunno. On Smackdown, Luther Reigns would have done that and it would have been awful. I’m not sure Regal quite saved it.
Commercials. BK office guy: “This is gonna suck.” He got his tense wrong. “If you can lose 20 pounds in 24 hours, you’re a man.” A man who just cut off his leg.
The interactive poll thinks Randy Orton will beat Triple H. It said so.
MY FAVORITE GUERRERO IS GORY BECAUSE HE TOO WAS SPECIAL (w/HE’S STILL SMARTER THAN THE EARL OF EATON) is out. Coach does the “he’s not one of my favorites but you got to give him his due” thing again. Quasi-face Coach. He calls you “Junior” and then gives you a nice Junior Mint. A FOLLOWER OF CARLITO’S BODYGUARD (w/TYSON TOMKEAU and A REPLAY OF REGAL/TOMKO HEAT MATCH) is out with his AJ Styles hoodie. Lockup, Christian sent to the ropes, and knocked down by a shoulderblock. Eugene does the Hogan “I can’t hear you, crowd” thing. Christian kicks him in the gut. Christian hits the ropes, and runs right into a gorilla press. Now…heh, pumping the ropes. And here’s the Warrior Splash, for 2. Euegene hammers Christian’s face into all three turnbuckles of one corner. Eugene goes up, but Tyson slows him by pulling the boot, and Christian tosses Eugene off the top. Christian goes after Regal, then tosses Eugene to Tomko and jaws with Regal some more. The ref watches Christian and Eugene while Tomko rams Eugene into the apron and shit. Coach briefly returns to heeldom by claiming Regal won’t stop getting involved in the match. Eugene rolled back in. Can opener neck crank by Christian. Eugene elbows out, but Christian pulls the hair to take him back down. Christian paintbrushes him (fake,) but gets hit with a Book End out of nowhere! Eugene slow to cover, and gets 2. Eugene slams the mat, but the crowd doesn’t seem to care. Eugene is angary. Airplane spin, but Christian slips out. He tries for the Unprettier, but Eugene counters with the Double-chickenwing! That’s how Steamboat won the NWA title from Flair. No one who reads these cares. So shades of Ricky Steamboat, or perhaps shades of Double Bob Backlund. Tyson attacks, but Eugene tosses him. Tyson hops back on the apron, but Regal holds his leg so Eugene can deck him. Tomko kicks Regal to death. Jeez, fucking sell the tard’s attack, dickwad. Christian rolls Eugene up and puts his feet on the ropes, but he pushes off the ropes too hard and rolls Eugene on top. Oops. Christian kicks out, sits on a Eugene sunset-flip, and manages to get his hands on the ropes (with Tyson grabbing one too late to make a difference for extra cheating fun) to get the win.
EVE’S LOW CUSHION hang out. Trips says he doesn’t need Batista’s help to beat Orton. That’d be a nice change of pace. Batista says he will hang out backstage “unless he starts kickin’ your ass.” That makes Trips angary. “But we know that’s not gonna happen! Lighten up, come on!” I heart you, Batista. Let’s find that picture of Batista holding the donation box with a heart drawn around him.
Commercials. You’ll never forget the people you hurt when you were high. Unless you get high again. Also, believe the rainbow. It really is a blackbelt and has a PHD.
JUDGE RICO is back. I mean, Jim Ross. Sorry. He reminds us that he is from Oklahoma. HORRIBLE HEMOGLOBIN HERO (w/LOOK AT MR. PERFECT, LOOK AT MACHISMO, AND LOOK AT THE NATURE BOY! WE’RE COMIN’ TA GET YA, WOO! ) is here. JR says that in the last Elimination Chamber, Triple H’s trachea was destroyed. When Taker poured cement in it. He couldn’t talk afterwards. We should put Trips in the Elimination Chamber every week. The New Year’s Resolution dragon (which is gaytarded, by the way) breathes fire on Triple H’s touchie. HEY, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, IS OF ANY REAL INTEREST TO ME is out. Of the closet. Melodramatic douche pose in the entryway. More than one fan has rKo ala nWo signs. I was annoyed that Scott Hall beat Hector Garza, by the way. Even if it was bland babyface Garza and not the one that Cubs Fan knows about. Scott “Machismo” Hall. I don’t know how to rebeak this. I don’t want to be all gushy like Mideon is over Orton, but now I’m afraid I’m too sardonic, thanks to the Dudleys. Satonic. Staredown to start. Orton grits his teeth. So intense! Lock-up, sideheadlock from Trips, Orton quickly shoves him into the ropes but eats a Triple H shoulderblock. Trips goes into the ropes again, Orton leapfrogs, and gets a dropkick. Scores, even. Right hand by Orton, Orton’s corner whip is reversed, but Orton floats-over Trips’ charge and gets a ruthless roll-up for 2. Orton into the ropes, shoulderblocking Trips. Trips tries to armdrag Orton, but gets blocked and short-clotheslined. JR refers to RAW as the “flagship of the WWE,” and I wish I could disagree. Orton yells for Trips to get up, then wanders into a kick. Triple H kicks again. Punching in the corner, but Otron fires back. Trips puts him into another corner. They punch. Orton throws Trips into the corner. Punching, but Trips takes over with a kick. Orton reverses a whip, and back body drops a charging Hunter. Orton attempts the RKO for no reason, so Helmsley shoves off and runs outside to complain to Flair. “Ric, he’s not even setting up his finisher!”
Commercials. The thing is, DDP could pull off the “the Diamond Cutter can be performed out of any position” thing because he used to do it at cool times during transition sequences, and he didn’t pose for a minute first. Anyway, here’s a new Sam Jackson movie about basketball. Set in Richmond, the city that be screwin’ up again. I can’t promise the movie is accurate, but in the real world, the University of Richmond’s basketball team is called “The Spiders.” Hee.
Ten long punch-a-count by Orton. Orton reverses a whip and sends Hunter to the floor. He follows him out, and slams Hunter’s head into the apron. He rolls Hunter back in (some extreme out of the ring offense there) before stupidly getting distracted by Flair. Now Orton is on the apron, but Helmsley grabs his head and hot-shots him down (JR: “Hangman!”) Trips walks over, but eats a shoulder to the ribs. Now the fans chant “Holy shit” when Orton gets shoulderblocked off the apron onto the security fence. It was a nice bump, but come on! Finish them. RIC FLAIR WITH A DOUBLESTOMP HAHAHA! Shades of Kevin Sullivan/Paul London. He does like 3. Triple H follows Orton to the floor. And I thought he was going to grace us with a plancha. Triple H slams Orton’s ribs across the security railing. I miss the WCW security fences. Back in the ring, and Trips stomps and stuff. Trips puts Orton into the corner for shoulderblocks to the gut. Helmsley covers for 2. Orton tries to punch his way back as Coach makes the valid point that Orton should consider quitting now to save himself for New Year’s Revolution. JR, on Trips: “Little wasted motion.” Little any motion, right now. Trips covers for 2, then covers for 2 again. Trips throws Orton outside while the ref yells at Flair. Orton slips free from whatever, and sends Triple H face-first into the post! JR wonders if Orton is “too damaged” to win. He’s emotionally shattered. Back in the ring, and Trips charges into Orton’s boot. Punches trades, and Orton takes over. Set-up kick…and there’s…a European uppercut. Huh. Orton whips Trips into the ropes, and catches him with a powerslam for a long 2. There’s Orton’s goofy backbreaker for 2. He slams Helmsley, then goes up. Trips is up too…high crossbody by Orton connects for 2! Orton signals for the Retarded Knock-Off, but Trips shoves him away and snares a sleeper. Orton shoves Trips off right away, and gets a sleeper of his own! Don’t see that often. Hahaha…Trips tries the “run towards the corner and drop down so your opponent flies over your head into the turnbuckles” counter, but Orton releases the sleeper so Trips runs right into the corner, stumbles back, and gets put in the sleeper again! Ok, that was cool. Trips goes down to one knee, and…pulls the ref into Orton. Call me over analytical, but if he had enough strength to propel the ref into Orton hard enough to knock both men out, he could have just broken the sleeper. Anyway, I guess it’s run-in time. Flair slides Hunter the ring bell. If years from now, stoner HHH did guest commentary on this match, he’d be saying, “Whatcha got Rickie? Ah yeah!” Coach: “FINISH HIM!” A babality! Trips coming in, but Randy kicks him in the gut! He knocks Flair off the apron, then gets the bell and KOs Trips with it. Sadly, there is no goofy bell-sound overlaid. I HAVE A BETTER SENSE OF HUMOR THAN DAVES THOMAS, COULIER OR FOLEY attacks, but before I can belabor the newly discovered Foley connection, YOU MADE ME LAND ON MY NOGGIN’ attacks Batista from behind! Benoit takes him out of the ring, where both men slam each other into ring steps. AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE, I WILL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR LOWBLOWS BY STARING AT ALL THE MAN-CROTCHES is HBK, in ref garb. He attends to Orton, but TIME TO COST BISCHOFF MORE MONEY wants to spear him. He is prevented by I LIKE TO PORK LAMB, the saddest figure in this Elimination Chamber Match because he can’t possibly win. I’m glad Jericho saved his best friend in history, Shawn Michaels. Jericho goes for a plancha on all the guys outside of the ring. Shawn Michaels proceeds to conduct a visually fagtastic count on Trips and Orton. Hunter yells at Michaels like an idiot, pointing and gesturing and whatnot as Orton sneaks up behind him…Hunter turns around…RKO…shoved off! Triple H with the set-up kick, Pedigree…reversed into a rollup! For 2. Orton ducks a clothesline and gets the RKO out of nowhere. Ok, that was pretty DDP-worthy. It gets 3. Coach says Orton cheated. JR says uh-uh. Um, uh-huh JR, he hit him with a damn bell. Anyway, not a bad match, but thank God it’s over. I was pretty happy Orton won when it happened, but then I checked Keith’s “rant” (I normally don’t, I swear, but I was curious as to what generic smarks thought of this RAW I had to put thought into) and was reminded of the old WWE bromide: the guy who gets his ass kicked going into the payperview always wins. I don’t think JBL has looked strong heading out of a single pre-PPV Smackdown. Sigh.
Final Thoughts: I’ve been trying to get organized to get some classes going and brush up for Grad school. This was not the week to do both A shows, but none of this came up until it was too late. I’ll see you soonish for an equally belabored and pissy Smackbeak.
