STAR TREK: I saw the stupid-ass TNG where Q sends everyone to Sherwood Forest today. Stupid. The highlight was probably Worf breaking Geordi’s ukulele, which wasn’t that good.
SAILOR MOON: I finished the Tomo season yesterday. I’ll get around to watching it again in English eventually. You’ll be happy to know the conclusion to Sailor Moon S is just as melodramatic and confusing in Japanese as it is in English. And no one ever explains why Sailor Pluto can just randomly come back to life two seasons later. Hey, that’s right, since Sailor Stars was never dubbed into English, casual ‘Merican fans never see her triumphant and underwhelming return! She just dies again anyway. Always dying. She’s Sailor Moon’s answer to Krillin.
Speaking of which, I inexplicably rented “Dragon Ball Z Sagas” the other day. It was pretty ass, even for a DBZ game. You have to win the whole game to unlock “Pendulum Room” mode, and all it does is let you replay the exceedingly tedious game as jobbers like Yamcha and Tien. Still, it reminded me of how much I used to like that show, and all the goofy G Brother in-jokes. Here is a short play to serve as an example.
Vegeta: I am the Prince of the Saiyans! *long pause* So, you have to do what I say.
Goku: What about Gohan?
Vegeta: What?
Goku: What about Gohan? He’s only half Saiyan.
Vegeta: Oh. He only has to do half of what I say.
END SCENE.
Pre-credits, and we revisit last week’s Golddust tournament finale. You know, the shocking developments with Edge and Lita won’t mean much after he jobs out tonight. Not unless Matt returns and causes it. I guess that could be cool. Lawler: “Kane’s been screwed by his own wife!”
We’re live, grooing in Green Bay Wisconsin. Which JR will refer to as “Titletown” all night. Tittietown. Home of the X-Box racer chickz. Makenai yo.
BAYSIDE’S FINEST flank the aisle, probably to protect some hated heels. The sex jokes will keep coming as LITA THINKS SHE KNOWS ME…IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE comes out with his briefcase and his new Aki-ho, COCK AND NUT CYCLONE. Cock and nut cyclone doesn’t make much sense. I suppose it’s like “the real spinaroonie” Kurt Angle talked about. Where apparently Sharmell was going to gyrate at a high rate of speed while perched atop Kurt’s booker weewee. Hey, don’t look at me, I’m not the one who books Edge an Lita making out. Anyway, they make out. Edge humps the mat, but he’s thinking of Lita. Lita invites all the saints in the audience to throw their stones. In Green Bay, they’re packers, not saints. Lita points out that Kane raped her and kidnapped her and shit, so she wasn’t much of a fan of his anyway. True. Lita has this awful heelish expression on her face. It’s like she’s going to end every sentence with “fugheddabout it.” Lita says we’re jealous of how many dudes have fucked her. Now she reveals that she didn’t really love Kane, because he was sweaty. Edge: “You can call her a slut.” Heh. Edge: “But she’s my slut.” He talks about sexpots. Sex comes in pots. Edge reminds us that he has money in a bank. I’m bored. Edge says he will win the title. Bank on it. They make-out. JR: “I’m at a loss.” Lawler makes “nighty deposit” jokes. Haha, I meant “nightly,” but that works too. Fan sign: “BUTTSTICK.” I LOOK LIKE A BIG PENIS is watching backstage, rocking back and forth. Psycho Christian was cooler.
Commercials. The pathetic descent of Casino Cinema continues, as they have no guest, and are holding a mysterious lottery (with no announced prize) for people who register online. I love how the commercial just ends while that big dude is still talking. He was probably all, “register on our website motherfuckers!”
NO ONE SAYS E, C, OR W ON MY SHOW, MONDAY NIGHT RA tells IMITATION RICO to set up a funeral for ECW tonight. The random stagehand is dressed somewhat faggily, you see. THAT ONE COP FROM FUTURAMA shows up and complains that his partner Chris Jericho is not here. Eric says his scheduled tag match against Hassan and Daivari just became a handicap match. Remember a few weeks ago when Bischoff refused to give HBK a handicap match against Hassan and Daivari because handicap matches are so inherently dangerous? Me neither. Shelton sneaks in a mad verbal burn before he goes. Very soon the Negaverse will be taking over. See ya.
WE WANT TO PLAY IN THE SAND are out. Every week they fail to HASSAN someone, I lose love for this duo. JR: “Titletown.” I JUST GOT A NICKNAME is out, forlornly looking up the ramp for his bestest ever pal Chris Jericho to return. Shelton attacks Daivari, but Hassan gets him from behind. Shelton takes over with clotheslines. Back body drop. Hip-toss. Side-headlock by Shelton. Blind-tag to Daivari, who tries…something, which Shelton kinda reverses, but…I don’t know what happened there. Now Shelton tries a hip-toss on Hassan, who completely fucks it up. Hassan tossed. Armdrag-takedown on Daivari, into an armhold of some sort. Some fan keeps shrieking like a freak. Shelton works the arm some more. Daivari gets a headlock, but stuff happens and he gets back suplexed. JR: “Back…body drop, almost into a suplex!” Hassan trips Shelton, then clubbers. Hassan drops Shelton’s face onto the barricade. JR: “Illegal interference on the outside to the nth degree!” N must equal zero, as anything raised to the zero power is one, and Hassan basically got one cheating sequence there. See, you learn something with each RAWbeak. Even if it’s generally something about Sailor Jupiter’s arsenal of stupidly-named attacks. JR says Shelton got mugged, and to my personal shock, Lawler doesn’t make a joke about it. Lawler: “Can you imagine Brett Favre coming out here to play a game with the Packers and the other ten guys not showing up?” JR: “Well, no.” Hahahaha. Hassan does a Hashshashin Chokeout, then a suplex or something. Lawler: “Go ahead, you can demean him!” Tag to Daivari, who tries a suplex, but Shelton reverses and gets a Slingshot Suplex!! Shades of Tully Blanchard. Haha, JR mentions Tully too. That would make Hassan Arn Anderson. If they send one of your to the hospital, you send one of theirs to meet Allah. Shelton with clotheslines. Scoop slam on Daivari. Hassan starts to come in, but Shelton sees him and shakes his head. Back body drop for Daivari, and now Hassan attacks, but gets tossed to the floor. Shelton alley-oops Daivari. Daivari on his knees, and Shelton rearranges his face with a running knee-lift. JR: “Million dollar kneelift!” Shelton has been training with Virgil. Hassan gets slingshotted back in. Daivari gets a chair, but the ref tries to take it. The ref gets knocked down. Daivari looking to get Explodered, but Hassan breaks it up and hits Shelton with the Deep Shiite. Daivari covers for 3. JR: “I can’t believe the outcome of this!” I’m not particularly surprised. Though booking Shelton to squeak out a win without Jericho around when their combined forces jobbed last week would have been neat.
Commercials. This Wrestlemania 21 ad talks about becoming a legend. Here’s footage of wrestling legend Kane and wrestling legend Gene Snitski.
Todd “No Nickname” Grisham catches METROSEXUAL DOUCHEBAG Chris Jericho coming in. He’s got a suit jacket on over a T-shirt, and some gay-ass necklace. Jericho’s all “too bad so sad” that Shelton lost, and reveals he was late because he was planning Fozzy’s tour of Australia. Maybe Nathan Jones is the mysterious guy who actually bought Fozzy’s album. He entered the wrong stock order number while trying to buy a thousand copies of “Ernest Goes To Jail.” Ernest spent the night in jail. He went to jail. Jail. Now Jericho says he will face anyone one on one tonight, because Jericho = Ratings. For once, I hope it is Kane.
CAPTAIN LEMUR OR PYGMY MARMOSETT reviews the Smackdown roster with his faithful second-in-command TYSON NO REMEMBER COMPUTAR PASS-WORD. I revisited the TNGbeaks to check how to spell “Geordi” and got sucked into rereading them. The highlight is probably “I’M GONNA HAVE BABIES LIKE SPOT OMG!” So, anyway, Christian and Tomko are of the opinion that the stars of Smackdown suck, and it’s hard to dispute. Tyson: “Who’s Mark Jindrak?” Christian: “I dunno.” Hahaha. HORSEFACE and I ENJOY THE BESTIALITY SEX come in and set up a fiendish plan. Christian and Tomko will cheat to make Edge win, and then Christian gets the magic briefcase. Spot’s magic placenta.
Commercials. The Honeymooners: Special Half-Robot Edition drives Filmcans into a mortal rage. That’s funny, I don’t remember Art Carney telling Jackie Gleason he fantasizes about Audrey Meadows.
Maybe Bob Holly is always angry because when his arm got ripped off, while he was sedated, doctors replaced it with a BROBOT arm.
Hey, a Forza Motor Sports ad with no sexy chicks. I am making way too much hay of that ad. While the sun is shining.
The World Heavyweight Title Graphic is coming to destroy your television. Oh, here’s a graphic promoting Maria interviewing Viscera. It’s gonna be just like the Lincoln/Douglas debates. I have had a soft-spot for graphics promoting interview segments no one could possibly care about since the time years and years ago when a similar graphic made it appear the main event of RAW was going to be “A Special Interview With Dink.” And as awesome as that having a graphic was, the payoff was even better because it featured Jeff Jarrett disguised as Doink so he could launch a heel attack. On motherfucking Dink.
I WISH THOSE HANDS WOULD JUST PUSH HIM OVER ALREADY is here. JR: “I’ll tell you what, this week may be a bit different for the Masterpiece.” Lawler: “You’re not supposed to talk!” Moments later, Lawler: “See JR, when you go into museums and see masterpieces…” JR: “Oh, be quiet! Shut up, will ya?” Hahaha. Lawler, hurt: “What?” Here’s a picture of Stevie’s drizzled nose. Lawler makes hilarious broken-nose jokes. I’LL SHOW YOU…HOW TO JOB makes his triumphant in-ring return. Masters…picks him up as soon as he steps in the ring, places him in a corner, and gives him a bunch of shoulderblocks. Museum-whip to the opposite corner. Masters scoops Stevie up and gives him a double-pump backbreaker. Lawler repeats his awful nose joke. Stevie SLAPS Masters from the mat, but Masters gives him a delayed suplex. “LET’S GO STEVIE” chant!? Holy fuck. Masters: “I’m gonna break his face!” He lines up the Polock Hammer, but Stevie counters with a non-Steviekick kick to a big face pop. Chop, woo. Masters immediately firing back (dick,) but Stevie ducks his punch and keeps flailing away. Masters no-sells and knees him in the gut. Masters runs into a kick, but he catches the foot and clubbers Richards on the knee. Masterlock, and Stevie is immediately choked out. Fuck you, WWE. JR: “Very confident, borderlining on being arrogant.” They talk about his physique. His veins alone could kill you.
Bischoff tells Todd Grisham that Jericho has a match next, and he also makes Todd go interview Kane. “Don’t be afraid to ask him the tough questions!” Raw is Assholes tonight.
Commercials. Watch the Lance Krall show and see hilarious bits like him spinning around and yelling.
Audioslave. Bradshaw forces them to pick audiocotton.
JERICHO: AUSTRALIAN FOR RATINGS goosesteps about on the apron. I wonder what menacing monster Eric Bischoff chose to punish him. Psh, it’s WHO TOOK MY CONWAY. JR pimps the “Grenier and Conway trying to one-up each other” angle. This is the stuff that ratings are made of. JR says Grenier picked a good night to “notch his gun.” Grenier kicks away. He sends Jericho to the outside and dumps him across the security railing. Huh. Back in, and Grenier charges into an elbow. Jericho chops. Grenier reverses a whip, but Jericho ducks whatever and gets a double-leg takedown. Grenier rolls him up before he can do the Walls, and gets 2. Scoop slam by Grenier. Lawler: “Well I can assure you that Grenier could care less about, couldn’t care less about Fozzy, or all of these other things that Chris Jericho has going on.” Him and me both, brother. Grenier goes for the Human Torture Rack (!?!?) but Jericho punches out. Jericho does…something or other for 2. Jericho throws forearms. Stupid Dance on Your Back Dance. They completely fuck up the “Running Enzoogweeree” but Grenier sells it anyway. He gets knocked into the ropes. Half-assed Shuffleyfeet, but the Post Shuffleyfeet Attack misses. Jericho ends up on the apron. He pokes Grenier in the eyes. He goes up top for…a single-axehandle? Only half as devastating as that Ferengi who Riker jobbed to. Lionsault…hits knees. Grenier with a nice back suplex. It gets 2. Grenier argues with the ref, and thus eats a springboard dropkick. Walls of Jericho, and Slater Sylvain taps. YOU LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR YOU BASTARD comes out looking for an explanation. Jericho, while backing up the ramp with a mic, informs Shelton that Z-list celebrities like him are a little late sometimes. This angle would work better if any non-wrestling fan knew who the fuck Chris Jericho is.
Commercials. Nothing I have a joke ready for. Hey, I hear-tell Tazz is the Grand Ruler of Tazzmaran. He’s always forcing people to marry Glgrdsklechhh. And Gnomish capering is mandatory.
ECW commercial. One Night Stand, featuring…matches, possibly. CHECK IT OUT, THEY GOT THE SAME REVEREND AS BILLY AND CHUCK is all ready for the ECW EXTREEEEM FUNERAL. I wanted to spell that “Reverand,” but apparently that’s wrong. You frickin’ Protestants need to learn to spell better. And to give it up for the new Pope, Whateverhisnameis the…Sixteenth? Anyways, Eric talks about the bingo hall and does a really fakey laugh. Then he says he killed ECW because he took all their talent. Now he promises to form a legion of jobbers to invade One Night Stand. Eric: “No one is going to stop me! Not Paul Heyman, not Sabu, not the Sandman, no one! No one, no one! Ashes to ashes, dust to…” MCMAHON’D invades! His shocking surprise appearances lose their impact when they happen every week. Vince tells us he financially supported ECW all along because anything vaguely good in wrestling is because of him. While Eric “robbed their locker room,” Vince helped make “the stars of ECW” into “superstars of the WWE.” I feel like I should be watching a hypno screen as I listen to this. Then, to get me out of my trance, Jon Hunt has to give Mideo a wet willie. Oh yeah, by the way, this week’s AIM chat revealed that everyone here hates everything except Teen Titans, apparently. Wow, now Vince accuses Eric of “raping and pillaging” ECW. Is that legal? Barely Legal. Vince explains to Eric that the ECW commercials didn’t “magically appear” on RAW, Vince put them there. Haha. Vince wants the ECW ppv to make money because that money will go to him. Makes sense. Vince restores Benoit vs Tajiri, TONIGHT! Vince tricks the fans into chanting “ECW.” Now he says the real loser brand is WCW OH SNAP. Asshole. He even says “WCW” in his fake southern accent. Now that Vince is done passing gas, he puts on his diaphanous white blouse, waves around his femmy wand, and summons WHERE THE HELL IS A-TRAIN? Great, now I get to listen to Heyman for twenty minutes. Heyman says “WCW” and the crowd boos. This is like 1984, Vince just gets to decide what happened historically and we have to believe it. Heyman gives us the “ECW wasn’t just garbage wrestling” speech. I’ve heard all this before. Eric checks his watch. I feel ya, Bischoff. After a few minutes, Paul pauses so a really weak “ECW” chant can build when the crowd is like, “oh, shit, we’re supposed to be chanting ‘ECW!’” Paul invites Eric to attend One Night Stand. Vince says he wants Eric to invade because fighting is cool. Paul says something about “gang warfare.” Eric will lead the Disciples of Apocalypse against Heyman and Los Boricuas. Now Paul sets the wreath on fire for some reason.
That kinda sucked. Is this the Earth-shaking event Dave Meltzer was promising? Does this mean no Matt?
Commercials. The Cabinet are The Lords of Smacktown.
JR says “Titletown” a few times. Here’s a “Longest Yard” package. With COLD STONE. He says his job in the movie is to be as hated as possible. You’re doing a bang-up job, Steve.
THE LORD OF TOOTHTOWN comes out. JR: “Titletown!” I’m not even pulling it out of context, he really does just blurt that out without putting it in a sentence. TORA TORA TORA Pearl Harbors him with a kendo stick, hahaha! Benoit wrests the stick away from him. Both men in the ring, Benoit tries to hit him with the stick, but Tajiri mists him. Tajiri goes outside, lookin’ for plundah. JR says Lawler never even watched ECW. Lawler: “Watched it? I invaded it!” He did. They’re still draining fluid from Tommy Dreamer’s balls. Lawler recycles his “bingo hall made of toilet paper” joke. JR is all excited about Tajiri throwing garbage cans around. Tajiri back in, Benoit tosses him the kendo stick, then chops him when he catches it. Benoit sets a trash can up in the corner, but his whip is reversed and he hits it instead. Rolling Germans, but Tajiri elbows out of the third. Tajiri gets the stick, but Benoit ducks a swing and gets the third German. Crippler Crossface, Tajiri reaches for the kendo stick, but Benoit snatches it away from him and uses the kendo stick to apply the crossface! Tajiri taps. Lawler: “Extremely Crappy Wrestling!”
Commercials. I question the wisdom of store stockers who hide good music behind John Cena CDs. But I know it must be happening. TNM wouldn’t lie.
Our Stanley, Get Me A Hammer of the week is Batista murdering Double C and Double T.
Here’s I AM OWNED BY A TURNTABLE. He receives a visit from A CRANKY OLD MAN WHO IS GOING TO LEARN THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. Flair says thanks for last week in a manly, legendary way. Then he says Edge is easy money for a guy like Batista. Easy money in the bank.
Todd Grisham talks to THE MOST IRONIC POSSIBLE STAND-IN FOR MATT HARDY. Todd wants to know how he feels about losing his wife to another man. Hey Kane, where you goin’ with that fire-summoning power in your hand? Kane rocks back and forth mumbling. Kane talks about pain and stuff. Pain has always been his best friend, his only friend. It’s hard to let you free, but you’ll, never, follow…him. Now he starts crying. The fans boo. Because he’s a sucky wuss. “Maybe I deserve this, for all the things that I’ve done.” Yup. “I don’t want this pain!” Boo-hoo. Man, RAW sure sucks tonight. “Get it off me!” And then he claws at himself like he’s covered in imaginary spiders. Kane tells Todd to leave him alone. Todd’s got no problem with that.
Commercials. Good Charlotte? More like BAD CHARLOTTE! Am I right, guys? Huh? Wait, did I use that already? Haha, according to Google, Sofa used that like two years ago. I’m the Innovator of Stealing Ancient Sofa Jokes.
The Shitty X-Box Game Rewing is Viscera’s bad, unfunny Barry White act.
Kane leaves the arena. Put on a fucking shirt, Kane.
THE MARIA is in the ring. She does this over-the-top goofy pose that hammers home the fact that she’s intentionally horrible, thus ruining it for me. She’s been faking all along, ruining my frail male ego. Wait, that’s something else. THE WORLD’S LARGEST UNFUNNY MACHINE comes out. Maria: “Viscera, I have to admit that I have an interior motive in asking you out here tonight!” Now Maria calls LILLIAN ESSE VATO ORALE HOLMES into the ring. Maria: “I came up with a theory. You like Lillian. So my question is, am I right?” He sends Maria off to get him a hotdog. And a ham sammich. He makes jokes about how he has a hotdog for Lillian. Now he dances. Eight hours of unfunny comedy ensue before Viscera takes off his pants, revealing silk boxers. THIS STINKS MORE THAN THAT FUNKY NEW SMELL I HEARTELL IS ON ITS WAY TO THIS VERY TOWN invades. Coach: “Stop this! PLEASE!” Thank you. He says Bischoff don’t want no sexual harassment lawsuits. Coach says Green Bay is fat. Fattytown. Coach points out that Viscera is a big fat joke. To my SHOCK, Viscera ATTAX and kills Coach. For some reason, Lillian is delighted. Samoan Drop. Now he pretends to do Coach up the ass for some reason. JR: “Vis the champion! The winner here!” He pulls Lillian in for a kiss. Viscera, not JR.
Commercials. This show sucks.
THE PENICILLIN PALZ are out first. JR says this business is all about being on top of the mountain. Like Lita. KURT ANGLE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME is out now. JR: “Good ovation!” JR: “Titletown!” JR, on Edge: “His transgressions, to the best of my knowledge, didn’t happen in the ring.” Hahaha, I’m so glad he put “to the best of my knowledge” in there. JR points out that this match is about the title, and not Edge’s love life. Thank you. Lockup, and Batista forces Edge into the corner. Edge gets a cheap-shot on the break, and clubbers Batista. Batista reverses a whip and shoulderblocks Edge down. Edge sent to the corner, whipped hard to the opposite corner. Batista puts Edge on the apron, smashes Edge’s face into the corner post, and forearm smashes Edge to the floor. DOUBLE CT invade. JR doesn’t like the smell of this. Queen Beryl’s not gonna like this one little bit. Huge Batista mark, that Queen Beryl.
Commercials. Another ad for the X-Box racing game that does nothing to stir my manly desires. Sofa revealed that the other ad uses HEEL TRIX as the Jappy chick says something mildly different from what the subtitles attribute to her. I bet the Italian chick is actually negotiating to change sides halfway through a race.
We’re back, with Dave pounding on Edge. Lita distracts the ref so Christian can cheat by hotshotting the Animal. Edge Angleizes Batista’s shoulder. Dave ends up on the floor. Edge elects to follow him instead of distracting the ref. Lawler: “Collusionary?” Back in the ring, Batista punches back a bit, but Edge gouges his eyes. Medium-sized boot by Edge. Edge applies a body-scissors, causing Lawler to talk about sex. JR speculates about an Edge/Lita sex tape (ew) and Lawler wants to buy it (EW.) Batista powers out of the body scissors and starts punching Edge, straddling him in a very man-sexy way. Double C gets on the apron, distracting the ref so Edge can go to the eyes. Spinning OMG HEEL kick by Edge, for 2. Edge slaps on the Ninja chokeout. Lawler says there’s a woman behind every successful man. The best surprises always sneak up from behind. And by best I mean skankiest. Lawler, over a shot of Lita’s cleavage: “Lita’s literally pouring her heart out over…” JR: “Will you stop about Lita already! It’s not about Lita!” Thank you, Jimbo. After approximately four hours, Batista powers out the Ninja chokeout. He elbows a lot, but runs right into a dropkick. Edge goes up, but Batista catches him. Batista goes up, superplex! Here’s a nice camera shot of nothing in particular. Naptime. Batista wins the punch war when they both rise. Edge sent to the corner and clotheslined. Edge ducks a big clothesline, but ends up giving the referee the flying burrito. Batista with a standing powerslam. He sets Edge up for the Batistabomb, but Tyson comes in with a big boot! Double T with the Double B. Christian, Tyson, and Edge perform a stompdown. NO HORSEMEN BEATDOWNS WITHOUT ME comes out and chops all the heels to death, but then he starts strutting and gets speared. Christian and Tomko beatdown Flair, giving Batista time to recover. Spinebuster for Tomko! Spinebuster for Christian! He clotheslines both men out, but turns around into a spear by Edge! Edge covers, the ref slowly counts…to 2.99999. Lita slips Edge the briefcase. Edge lining up the shot (the ref is magically back down,) but Batista ducks it and gets a spinebuster! What about…BATISTABOMB! 1, 2, 3. The Golddust Tournament feels just a little bit stupider now. Batista poses with the belt. He and Ric exchange a loving glance. Dave helps Ric up as Ric lips his lips seductively. There’s a manly hug. Oh crap, I WILL NEVER AGAIN APPEAR ON RAW’s music plays. The next time Starfire asks how long forever is, tell her “two weeks.” Flair…gives Batista a low-blow. Batista looks up at Flair like a puppy who just got kicked. Triple H hits Dave in the face with a sledgehammer. Then he looks at the belt. Then he gives Batista like a twenty-minute, boring-ass beatdown. Shades of Evolution killing Mick Foley. Batista gets pedigreed on the belt. Trips says “Hell in the Cell.” Because, as we’ve previously established, he is inexplicably able to book matches. The fans chant “you tapped out” because Benoit is better than Triple H.
Final Thoughts: Well that was sure boring. I hadn’t missed Triple H one little bit. I seem recall some IWC dude, Scaia I think, was all hopped up about how Triple H might appear on Smackdown or Judgement Day to sell the fact that he was really totally gone from Raw. Heh.
