I’m gonna try really hard to be nice this week because apparently the boss, Sofa, has received email complaints about my attitude. I’m serious.
STAR TREK: I don’t think the final episode of Enterprise could have been any more awful.
SAILOR MOON: I watched the Engrish episode again, with Super Asia. I think he was right in that as funny as the Scouts are, the real highlight is the “English gentleman” who sounds Jappier than anyone else saying, “Welcome to my home party.”
I got Burger King the other day, and they have this scratch-off game for the new Star Wars movie. And instead of making the mind-blowingly obvious decision to portray it as a light side/dark side choice, you just have to choose the top Death Star or the bottom Death Star. If I hadn’t been so curious as to what the other prize was, I could have won “Hamburger Ganandor.” I have no idea why the ticket said “Ganandor,” but it did. It’s a hamburger than can only be killed with a silver arrow.
I’d like to carry more bombs.
Hey, Shawn kicking Shelton’s face off is in the intro now.
We’re in Omaha, which means JR can’t have a match because he’d get booed like crazy. Tonight, Ric Flair vs Christian, and Christy takes on the tag team of Candice and Michelle. Wait, they’re one person. I’m such a caution.
THE CRAZY MURDER GUYS are out. Whether fightin’, or spittin’, the entrance ramp is unforgiven. Mo, um, spat on the ramp. Fan sign: “DAVARI IS YOUR CAMEL PARKED OUT BACK.” The letters look professionally done, and yet, they couldn’t be bothered with a question mark. Or the correct spelling of his name. Another sign: “HASSAN GO BACK TO YOUR CAVE!” Thong, the fish is ready. Last week, Hassan attacked Jericho with the Deep Shiite, but Benjamin made the save. Apparently, Shelton getting jumped didn’t happen. JR: “I guess what should be a dynamic duo, no pun intended.” Well, that’s good. BLACKMAN is here. JR, on Shelton: “He’s simply as bad as they come!” He’s a baaaad man. THE GIRLY-BOY WONDER now comes out. The faces rush the ring. The forces of evil get trapped in a corner, and Jericho Irish-whips Shelton so he can Stingar Splash them. Both heels get clotheslined to the floor. Double slingshot planchas as Lawler stumbles around the term “Arab Americans.” Jericho high-fives some fans. JR says Benjamin and Jericho are “letting it all hang out.” Super Asia: “Those two really are competitive.” I think my gums just started bleeding for some reason. JR and Lawler lie about how Hassan is undefeated. Jericho and Daivari end up legal in the ring. Back suplex by Jericho. Tag to Shelton. Fan sign: “*UNREADABLE YELLOW BLUR* I’M SINGLE.” Shelton clubbers. Lawler says Jericho and Benjamin are both rock and rollers, Jericho because of Fozzy, and Benjamin because “if you’d have gone into his neighborhood when he was a teenager, he’d have hit you in the head with a rock and rolled ya!” JR: “Oh, that’s great.” Lawler: “Oh come on! I like Shelton Benjamin!” He’s ok for a Tro…for a Tamaranian. Daivari gets a jaw-jacker and tags out. Hassan attacks, but the “USA” chants allow Benjamin to take over with a clothesline. Benjamin goes after Daivari, allowing Hassan to get a backbreaker. Stomps and elbow drops follow. Tag to Daivari. Fan sign: “John Hardick is a HOMO.” Poor guy’s name already sounds like “hard dick,” leave him alone. Hardick, if memory serves, was some evil computer on Batman that wanted to replace everyone with robots. Modified Hashshashin Chokeout by Daivari. Shelton powers out, reverses a whip, and…some flippity countering ends with Shelton clotheslining Daivari down. Daivari tags out to Hassan, who knocks Jericho off the apron. Double-team suplex by the heels, and Daivari heads back for the apron. Another Modified Hashshashin Chokeout as JR starts talking about how Daivari is “almost like a manservant” to Hassan. Manservants are required to speak foreign languages and be better wrestlers than their bosses. Shelton reverses a whop and gets a Samoan drop. Naptime, Hassan grabs the foot to prevent a tag, but Shelton kicks him off and tags in Jericho. Flying burrito. Jericho does this stupid dance on Hassan’s back. Jericho ducks under some flying attack by Daivari. Running enzoogweeree by Jericho on Hassan, sending him into the ropes. Shuffleyfeet, the post-Shuffleyfeet attack misses but Jericho catches himself on the apron. Going up, high-crossbody into a cover, but Daivari breaks it up. JR: “The three was coming down!” Give him all three of those. Shelton returns to kick Daivari’s face off. Shelton misses something, and ends up flying to the outside. Jericho and Hassan do some stuff, then Jericho springboard missile dropkicks Daivari on the apron. Jericho turns right into the Deep Shiite. JR: “Face-first drop! That facesmasher!” It gets the perfectly legal and clean win for the heels. Does Hassan have the Experience logo tattooed on his shoulder? Shelton wants to know wazzupwitdat, but Jericho leaves.
Commercials. The “people will buy Starburst for sure if we show some high school kid molesting a bust made of said product” ad will never, ever go away.
I AM LYING THROUGH MY TOOTH HAHAHAHAHAHA has a quiet word with STRAIGHT O-M, ORIGINAL MANSERVANT backstage. It’s like they wanted the two worst people possible to use in a talky sketch. Paul Heyman called them both last night. Selling newspaper subscriptions. Benoit is all hopped-up about the ECW reunion show, and wants to face Tajiri in an “ECW rules” match tonight. WELCOME TO MY HOME PARTY interrupts, and forbids Tajiri to do it. Tajiri begs and pleads, so Regal says he can do it. But he has to be home by ten o’clock.
Lawler starts in on how weird it is that Triple H isn’t here. Scott Keith is probably freaking out about Poochy as we speak. This segues into I PLAN TO RAPE PUNKY BREWSTER fails to break-up a meeting between MY HAIR IS PLATINUM BLOND and MY HAIR IS LATINUM BLOND. Ric wants Eric to call Triple H. Eric’s all “no.” Ric: “HANDLE TRIPLE H!?” DAVID QUINCY BATISTA YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN is in the hallway. His name comes from the hilarious way Ric calls out to him like he’s in soooo much trouble for having been mean to Triple H. Ric says Batista owes Trips everything. Ric: “The guy that trained you, taught you how to dress!” Haha, wow, Batista is wearing a pink dress shirt this week. What is with Evolution and the StevieCorp shirts? Anyway, Dave interrupts the rant and tells Ric that he didn’t start with Triple H, he started with Ric Flair. Um, hello, what about Reverend D-Von? Dave loves Ric, who is his special friend. Flair cools down a bit, then goes to leave for his match, but Dave stops him. Dave: “*pathetic, half-assed woo*” Ric: “WOO!” Heartwarming. Me: “A very special episode.” Super Asia: “It’s like Christmas in No Man’s Land.”
Commercials. I think the skanky Jap chick is hotter than the Italian chick, but it really doesn’t matter because we’re totally having a three-way once I get that X-Box game.
Our “This 3-foot stretch is somehow longer than another 3-foot stretch” of the Week is Flair cheating to win.
THE INVENTOR OF THE CHOP is out, to a big face pop, as always. His robes are in McDonald’s colors. NO MORE CHEERING FOR RIC FLAIR. I MEAN IT, NOT ANOTHER PEEP is out with I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH JOBBING TO OLD MEN. Christian is in the amazingly goofy outfit that has a big C on his chest. He’s gradually morphing into the superhero character Chris Jericho forced him to portray. Wackiness, as you may recall, ensued. Fan sign: “CHRISTIAN HAS PEEPS IN THE BIG O.” They mean Omaha, of course, but I have it on good authority that Dorothy Wayneright is a huge Christian mark. Roger Smith loves Batman, and Batman alone. Chad is the referee, which grants Sailor Mars immunity from one and only one projectile attack. Cause he'll jump in front of it. Ric wants a lock-up, no he wipes his hair and struts instead. Christian shoulderblocks Flair down and mocks the strut. Flair slaps him, so Christian punches him right in the face. Flair gets back bodydropped. Flair gets a double-leg takedown, then covers with his feet on the ropes. That’s Carlito’s finisher! The ref notices and makes him get up. Chops are exchanged, and Ric presses his quarter-second advantage by going up top. Christian slams him off. Lawler: “Did you see the look on Christian’s face? He looked like he’d just done something that’s never been done before!” Christian whips Flair into the turnbuckles for a Flair Flip. Christian clotheslines him to the floor, and Tomko rams Flair’s back into the apron. Christian suplexes Flair back into the ring for 2. “2!” When they’re doing it in Nebraska, it ain’t hip no more. JR accuses Tomko of “physical molestation.” Flair sent to the corner, but he escapes as Christian charges into the turnbuckles. Flair chops away. Flair Flop…by Christian! Lawler: “What happened?” Rolling kneedrop by the Naitch. Figure-4, but Tomko punches him through the apron to break it up. Christian with a Monkey Magic Roll-up, a handful of tights, and a hand on the ropes. The ref sees it and makes him let go of the ropes. This allows Flair to roll Christian up, grab a handful of tights, grab the ropes, and get the win! Tomko comes in to help Christian lay on the beatdown. RESPECT YOUR FUCKING ELDERS comes in. Christian hangs back, and lets Tomko get killed. Wait, now Christian attacks, and gets clotheslined. Dave busts Tomko’s pine. What about…Batistabomb for Christian! What about…Batistabomb for Tomko! Jim Ross sez this shows that Batista has character. Beating up Tomko puts hair on your chest.
H-O-R-S talk. Lita wishes Christy luck in her skank-off later tonight. THE ADAM COPELAND invades! He sends Christy away (yay!) and says mean stuff to Lita. To set up the SHOCKING SWERVE that’s going to stink up the end of the show, no doubt.
Commercials. The JG duffel bag? It’s a mixed bag.
WE JUST GOT ROLLED BY AN ANIMAL AND FATHER TIME AND THAT’S HOW WE ROLL are assaulted by DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER. Maria asks Christian if he’s hurt. Christian: “Did you get your journalism degree from a box of Coco Puffs!?” Journalism degree!? Lawler says something about “Baba Wawa” or “Boba Fett” or Didongo disliking smoke or something.
I almost spelled Boba Fett wrong. IT’S A FRANK FRAZETTA OF FRANK ZAPPA is here. Then Lawler randomly mentions Frank Frazetta. In discussing “great artists.” Here’s a completely unreadable fan-sign. Why did they give us a close-up of a green sign with bubble letters done in pencil? Anyway, the Masterpiece ups the money to SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! The fans boo. Masters: “That’s what all your woman do to me!” All their woman boo him? All your woman are belong to Masters. Zero Wing is making a big comeback in RAWbeaks. He also has a magical one-way ticket to anywhere in America. Because Omaha sucks. What a heel. JR talks about how no one will face Masters as dozens and dozens of people are clearly clamoring to be the one. Masters, shockingly, picks some dickwad who looks like a prototypical indy wrestler. A fan sign promises that they can “survive” the Masterlock. Supes wonders if anyone has died from it yet. Lawler: “These people don’t even appear to try and break the hold!” Indeed. OH SHIT, GIVE ME BACK MY PINK SHIRTS EVOLUTION ATTAX! Super Asia: “What, no ‘Beautiful Day’ montage of his rehabilitation?” Masters runs away like a roided-up pussy. Richards ducks the Polock Hammer, but gets clotheslined down. Richards is jobbing already? No, he runs dipshit off with a chair.
We spontaneously cut to THE MISTER THE MONEY IN THE THE BANK standing around. He turns, and a hand grabs his throat. It belongs to THE KING OF KANENENITE MANIA. That hand of his shines and roars. Hey, Edge has the Experience logo tattooed on his shoulder too! Kane doesn’t want Edge talking to his wife. Dude, is it ok if he screws her? Super Asia: “Maybe they shouldn’t even talk.” Bask in the afterglow.
Commercials. System of a Down? More like System of a Clown HAHAHAHAHA. They’re pussies.
Sith Happens. I liked that joke. Don’t tell Super Asia.
Look local sports collectables store, the man’s name is not “WWE Mick Foley.”
Hey, the “Theme from Extreme” is playing. Is that “ECW” chant real? Nebraska was not exactly an ECW hotbed. IN ECW RULES, I AM ALLOWED TO HIT YOU WITH MY TOOTH is out first. Followed shortly by IN ECW RULES, I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE A FIRST NAME. Benoit stops his walk to the ring when he sees a table. He’s like, “how do I get around this obstacle?” Lawler starts in with the ECW-bashing. Benoit kicks and punches. He whips Tajiri into a corner, then charges right into the Tarantula. The ref forces the break. ECW RULEZ! In ECW, you have until 6 to break when some reaches the ropes! Benoit chops his way back after ducking a kick. Tajiri into the ropes, trying for the Chynaese Elbow, but Benoit simply cinches a rear-waistlock. Going for a big ol’ release German, but Tajiri lands on his feet. Lawler doesn’t understand why anyone would want to see “this type of match,” which has thus-far lacked anything you wouldn’t normally see in a WWE match. Tajiri kicks Benoit to the floor. Fan sign: “I Meeeeeeeeeeean.” Ok. Tajiri wants a baseballslide kick, but Benoit grabs him and drops his face right on the ring steps. Ouch. Tajiri dry-humps the floor. Lawler complains that that wasn’t a DQ, even though you could do that shit in a WWE match too. Benoit pulls a ladder out from beneath the ring. He puts Tajiri on a ringside table, sets the ladder up in the ring, climbs the ladder, straddles the top of the ladders, and…HOW DO YOU LEARN TO FALL OFF A 20 FOOT LADDER, KIIIID? interrupts! Awesome. No theme music, but he does declare that since Eric Bischoff hates ECW, this cool spot has been cancelled. And indeed, COUNT FAGULA comes out and officially ends the match. He says “ECW is pure garbage.” How do you like your kung-fu grip hero now, Sofa? He bans ECW on RAW. Eric: “It will not be chanted in the building!” Shockingly, this leads to a brief ECW chant. Eric: “I am gonna ban the letters E C W from RAW!” I wonder what orld hampion and former volution member Batista thinks of this?
We see whichever non-Christy skank is in the pillow-fight thing later.
Commercials. The Wrestlemania 21 DVD includes a blooper reel. Ric Flair falls off his donkey. How do you learn to fall off an ass, King?
It’s time for SOFTCORE PORN. Fan sign: “PORK.” JR starts talking about farm supply stores. Lawler claims he volunteered to referee this, but didn’t make the cut. JR: “You volunteered for Vietnam too, that didn’t work.” Wait, what is he implying? I just earned JG points. Anyway, they’re in underwear and they hit each other with pillows. Then Christy gets on the bed that’s there for some reason, and Candice tips the bed up knocking Christy down. She lands right on her noggin’, Cole, and proceeds to wander around ringside looking like she has no idea where she is or what’s happening to her. Though she kinda looks like that anyway. Christy wins with a sunset flip off the top, kinda. The girls dance and are all friendly-like. Kayefabe! IT ISN’T RAPE IF THEY CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO ESCAPE heads for the ring. JR: “He’s not Edi Amin!” The girls flee when he gyrates. Viscera summons Lillian to the ring for sex. Vis: “But there’s only one thing, and one thing only, that’s missing.” Some weirdo yells: “You can do it!” Viscera kisses some plant and steals her cotton candy. The weirdo yells: “You can do it” again. They get in the ring and sit on the bed after twenty years of sexual innuendo. Now Vis licks cotton candy and she eats it. He says he’ll melt in her mouth. Now he activates pimp lights, and tries to sing like Barry White. All black men sound like Barry White. I have a feeling this sketch was written by a White man. Viscera isn’t a very good singer. Vis promises to whip something out. He gives her a room key. For room 469. Thank God this is over.
THANK YOU IS A GREETING, RIGHT? is reassured by HER BEEZLEBUSBAND. Lita was scared, because Edge put the fear of God in her. Also, his penis. They kiss. This show is so gross.
Commercials. Funny, I get Edge and the briefcase when they’re talking about Loveland.
Let’s watch, like, the whole fucking Golddust Tournament again, only now with melodramatic music.
BOY DO I EVER LOSE TO HASSAN A LOT is confronted backstage by SHELTON, SHELTON, IS A LITTLE MIFFED. Shelton wants to make sure Jericho is ok, since he kinda wandered off after jobbing to Hassan again. Penny for his thoughts. Jericho starts talking about VH1 and how Fozzy now has over seven fans and says losing a wrestling match just isn’t that big a deal for him. That’s good to hear. His smile isn’t lost, it’s just away visiting its mother.
Commercials. When the Sith Hits the Fan.
Our Subway Whatever of the Week is the beginning of what will surely be an epic feud between fitness and comic book nerddom.
THE FATTASTIC FOUR are only two people. And only one of them is fat. Sigh. Hello, it’s SKANKARELLA. Stacey Kiebler in a sexay superheroine costume. JR: “Kids, do you like the long legs?” Jim Ross is Tamaran’s fattest man. Here comes THE PURPLE PALZ in the faggity purple outfits. Representin’ Fed-Ex Kinkos. Shit, I don’t think I ever noticed Simon Dean’s Stupidtron video before, but it has some nerdy fatty about to eat, and then the Right To Censor symbol flashes over him. Lawler wonders if Linda Carter is dead. Women die of old age at forty, you know. Now he pretends he doesn’t know it’s Stacy behind the little half-mask. Nothing these guys can do can live up to that retarded child molester and his sign last week. Rosey and Maven start. Maven is shoulderblocked and slammed. Then Hurricane is tagged in and slammed onto Maven. Simon Dean breaks up the fall. Hurricane is distracted by Dean, and eats Maven’s pretty damn decent dropkick. Tag to Dean, who does some move. JR can’t picture Dean and Maven as tag champions. Yeah, they lack the credibility of Hurricane and Rosey. The heels work together for the Modified Shine Aqua Illusion. Maven does sit-ups and poses. JR: “That was kinda stupid.” Tag to Dean (wait, when did he tag out) for a modified Ninja chokeout. The crowd chants for Stacey. Hurricane gets a clothesline, and tags in Rosey. Rosey punches. Back bodydrop for Maven, who was in for some reason. Simon goes for a blatant THE STUPID, and gets punched down. Maven gets scoop slammed, and Simon is arm-dragged onto him. JR: “Rosey is about two biscuits away from 400.” Yeah right, like he’s only eaten 398 biscuits today. Please. Rosey grabs both heels like he wants the modified Coconut Cyclone, but they kick him. I need to open a new wing of the Glossary just for all the modified moves. Come to think of it, the ground-based MCFS really ought to be the Mars Terrestrial Fire Surround. The heels try to do something stupid, but Stacey waggles her ass around. Simon is knocked out of the ring. Hurricane comes in illegally. Modified Shine Aqua Illusion/Super Eye of the Hurricane/whatever. I’m so glad this match is over.
The Smackdown Get Down is Evil Eddie. Evil Eddie is so fucking awesome. There’s that sick-ass almost brainbuster on the steps. Don’t make him take away those spicy Latin kids’ papa. No love is shown to Carlito’s Cabana. Super Asia noted earlier that the poisoned apple was not the first time someone stuck it to Big Show by assuming he’d eat any food he came in contact with.
Commercials. Some skater punk movie called “The Four Kings of the Dark Gundam” or something.
HEY, FUCKING GO AWAY shouldn’t be on my TV, damn it. He brushes off his perennially injured shoulder. Fan sign: “BATIATA1.” That would make a great license plate number. The “#” is there, but practically invisible. The S and the other T…they just ain’t there. Orton gets the “face pop of mild surprise.” Don’t lick your lips at me you freak. Orton is sick of people asking him if he thinks he’ll get drafted. Dude, you could always just desert again. He tells us to shut up, because he’s OMG HEEL. You know, it hadn’t even occurred to me that the Draft might free me from Orton. Dude, I could lose Orton and get Carlito. Dat’s cool. Orton says he can’t be drafted because he’s on injured reserve. ANOTHER INJURY-PRONE GOOF WHO GOT EVERYTHING FRON HIS DADDY power-walks to the ring. He’s stomping and shit as he walks. JR: “Nobody walks like that!” Vince sez Orton needs to do more steroids. Now he makes fun of his haircut. Vince says anyone can be drafted. Even if you’re dead. Even if you’ve never heard of the WWE. Orton says Vince better talk nice to him because he (Orton) will make Vince more money that Cena and Batista combined. Because he’s found a magic hospital that pays you to be injured constantly. Vince tells him to shut up, then pats him on the destroyed shoulder. Oh, he also mentioned that the draft will take place over the course of an entire month and will suck. No, really, he said that.
Commercials. Some band I’ve never heard of plays those Nintendo bongos.
The show is out of momentum, so let’s perk things up with a heel vs heel match! Nothing fires up a crowd like a match where there’s no one to root for. THE WONDER OF THE WORLD IS GONE is accompanied by THE THUNDER OF THIS GIRL IS GONE. Shut up. And here comes I’LL HUMP LITA, THE MAT, ANYTHING. No, not Matt, the mat. Fan sign: “EDGE IS FECES.” Edge ducks a punch and punches, but Kane no-sells. Edge sticks and moves, but gets big-booted. JR: “I would make a sandwich right now, but this might not last long.” Let’s hope. Suplex by Kane. Dave watches on a monitor. He’s all sweaty from having done a minute-long run-in earlier. Kane beats up Edge in the corner. Did Lita’s boobs get bigger? Edge takes over somehow. He punches. Kane ignores his attempt at an Irish-whip and tosses Edge to the floor. Kane follows Edge out and dumps him on the security railing. Lita’s shoulder tattoo doesn’t even vaguely resemble the Experience logo. Kane kicks and shit. JR: “How stupid would you be?” He goes on, but that was fun by itself. Kane sends Edge to the ropes, then Papa Shangos, but he ignores Edge’s attack and punches him down again. Edge kinda hotshots Kane. I’m not too into this. Kane chokes because that’s one of the most boring moves available. The ref gets bumped slightly, allowing Edge to give Kane a low-blow. To his penis that got burned off. We learned as much during the X-Pac steals Torrie angle.
Commercials. Darth Vader meets the Burger King. That ad just rules.
We’re back, and Edge has some leglock on. During the break, Kane did power stuff, but Edge dropkicked him in the knee. The patella. Do it the patella! Chop-block by Edge. There’s a shot of Lita for some reason. Fan sign: “JOAN JETT ROCKS.” Kane gets sent outside. Edge follows him. He does stuff. Both men back in. Edge with…uh…a second-rope stomp. Edge smiles. Lawler: “Truly, that is Mr. Money in the Bank.” Kane punches and kicks a bit, but Edge takes him back down and does more leglocks. Lawler: “Mo money mo money in da bank! Two title shots much bettah than one!” Dork. Kane kicks Edge in the face until he releases whatever that hold is called. Kane punches. Edge is staggered. Kane clotheslines him, but charges into an elbow. Edge goes up, but Kane punches him on the way down. Snake-Eyes by Kane. Shitty flying clothesline. A 2 count. Lawler: “Look at that look on the face of Kane’s wife Misses Kane!” Edge takes over somehow. Looking for a Spear, but he charges into a Goozle! Edge grabs the ref to mess it up. Edge-u-whatever DDT! It only gets 2. Looking for the Spear again. JR: “Looking to uncoil on the monster!” Kane sidesteps it. Edge throws an elbow, but gets sidewalk slammed anyway. Tombstone attempt, but Edge slips out and shoves Kane into the ref. Spear connects, but the ref is dead. Kane rises up like he do. Edge grabs the briefcase, but Kane big boots him. Lita snatches the briefcase. “For safekeeping,” says JR. Now Kane goes up, Lita slips the briefcase to Edge, and distracts Kane. Kane brushes her aside and leaps…right into a briefcase shot. 1, 2, 3. Edge licks his lips at Lita. Lawler: “Kane…he’s been screwed! He’s been screwed by his own wife!” JR: “You’re damn right he’s been screwed! He’s been royally shafted by his own wife!” Whoa, I’ve heard the Lita/Edge stories, but never any dildo details. Dildails. The Rawbeaks just get more and more perverted every week. Lawler: “She screwed Kane!” JR: “She’s a married woman! She’s a married damn woman, just shafted her husband!” Hahaha. JR: “I’m not gonna call her what I’m thinkin’!” Pancakes. Lawler: “She screwed Kane!” We know, Jerry. Now Edge and Lita make out while Kane watches. Yuck. JR: “Ya damn harlot!”
Final Thoughts: At least I got this done before Wednesday.
