STAR TREK: Man, Enterprise sure is going out with a whimper. The Religious Right want to stop the formation of the Federation, kill those lousy Troqs and teach Creationism in school. Christian needs to keep his Coalition in line.
SAILOR MOON: So years ago, when the S dub first hit Toonami and I was taping the show during whatever stupid class I had in the afternoons, I saw this episode where some weirdo foreigner shows up and commands Darien to drag the girls to some party where everyone is forced to speak French. Serena is hopeless, Raye and Lita (who uses “merci” as a greeting and cracked me up) are nervous, and Amy and Mina breeze by with no problems. Now Amy was fine, but Mina (who can’t dress herself and will some day live off government charity combined with the income of some occupation involving hairnets) should have been as hopeless as Serena. Ah, I thought, I bet in the Jap version they’re forced to speak English. The only area where Minako has an unusual amount of skill for a middle-school girl (let’s forgo any sex jokes here) is that she became a fluent English speaker while living in the UK as Sailor V. And indeed, the Jap version has the Scouts conversing in mangled Engrish. There’s really not that much Engrish dialogue, but what there is had me ready to piss myself. Ami’s “I am gradu to see rou!” was probably the best. Rei did a shockingly good job of saying “hello” without it coming out “herro.” The benefits of watching “Ret’s Speak Engrish.” What really kills me, though, is that the English guy, Minako, and all the English/American students sound as bad or worse than the “bad” speakers. If I ever meet Akiko, I pray she doesn’t sound like that or Sofa will never forgive me when I just laugh and laugh and laugh every time she opens her mouth.
Oh wait, he told me she has a British accent. Instead of “herro,” she says “jorry goodu day, guvanoru!”
I’m really very sorry. I blame the recent lack of Kenzo and Hiroko. They let me get that kind of thing out of my system.
I’m not sure why, but I have absolutely no enthusiasm about starting this rebeak this week. You may have gleaned this by the fact that it showed up halfway through the week.
Oh great, the downstairs VCR has decided to randomly fast-forward for like two seconds at a time and then start playing normally again.
Last week, Kane killed Christian, and Shelton jumped into HBK’s head-break foot. JR: “If you win, you shower! If you lose, you think about your next opponent!” Jerry: “Money in the bank, baby!” Now we see Trips vs Benoit. Nice shirt, Ric. His stylin’ and profilin’ money is from Stevie Corp.
We are LIVE from Wilkes-Barre, a city which apparently sucks as Boris Badenov once asked Fearless Leader to send him to Siberia, Devil’s Island, or Wilkes-Barre instead of sending him to Mooslyvania. Our hosts are I’M GLAD I BEAT TRIPLE H A FEW WEEKS AGO AS I HADN’T SHOWERED IN YEARS and I DECORATE MY SHOULDERS WITH RACIAL EPAULETS. Hahahahaha, racial apaulets. Oh God I’m funny. I’m referencing the weekend beaks that wouldn’t be such a distant memory if I got off my ass and did this Tuesday. Great, why not kick the show off with perennial opening gasbag I HATE TROQS. Triple H. We’ve established that he’s racist. I completely forgot to blog for a billion words about Teen Titans, didn’t I? This fucking VCR makes everyone sound like mutants. Triple H shuns the orange, Tamaranian Spike TV logo. He hates the Spike TV. Even a poorly-drawn “HHH RULES” sign cannot mend his heart. “TRIPLE LOSER” and “BATISTA RULES HHH STINKS” drag him down. The crowd reminds Triple H that he tapped out. TRIPS ANGARY! He gets in the face of some mustached fan. The security guys have orange shirts. Stupid Troqs. Triple H says last week’s match doesn’t matter because the tournament is “bogus.” Dude, totally. At Backlash, he “Pedigreed Batista’s ass” but “got screwed.” Triple H wants another rematch. Dude, shut up. IF I WERE TO FACE TNA’S CHAMPION IT WOULD BE PLANET JARRET VS ANIMAL PLANET comes out to interrupt. Lawler thinks HHH can’t deal with being “second banana” to Batista. Second bacon banana. Batista removes his fly aviator shades. Batista: “I wanted to come out here, I wanted to come out here and face my fears, seeing as I’m so afraid of you.” And then he laughs. Babyface Batista is such a dick. Dave points out that Batista has beaten Trips every time they’ve wrestled. There’s that mustache guy again, freaking out with a “you tapped out” pantomime. Dave reminds Triple H of the out-tapping. Dave: “What do you want from me? My hands are tied! You had your rematch, you lost. You had a chance in the tournament, you lost in the first round!” He should have added “fucking” after “first.” Dave suggests that Triple H isn’t that great. Fan sign: “I’m Vinnie I talked to Benoit.” Um, hi, Vinnie. Vinnie talkin’ to Benoit ovah heah! Benoit could fit in one trunk because of his tiny arms. Trips removes his pink puffy shirt he borrowed from Ric Flair. StevieCorp is taking over. Taking ovah ovah heah! Triple H starts ranting about how he’s going to leave RAW, which will then collapse and the fans will beg him to come back. Lawler, and Lawler alone, is upset. Triple starts to leave. There are so many smarks freaking out right now, since the WWE will obviously run a bunch of intentionally bad shows and intentionally sabotage their ratings to justify Triple H’s super-push when he returns. Dave tells him not to let the door hit his ass on the way out as he takes his ball and goes home like a big crybaby wah-wah etc. We won’t have Triple H to kick around anymore. And to think, his final nickname ever was “I hate Troqs.”
Commercials. What the fuck is the deal with Wario games? Are they all just crazy ways to test new input mechanisms?
GIVE ME BACK MY SHIRT, WOO! tries to stop OH MAN I’M OUT OF CONTINUES IT REALLY IS GAME OVER from leaving. You’re not allowed to leave wrestling until you’re a billion years old. Ric says “franchise” a million times. Trips wants Ric to get in the car. He refuses. For fear that Mayor Haggar is going to destroy it.
WE’RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD ALLAH are here. Men on a Mission. King Khosrow and Sir Mo. Great, no one can get HASSAN’D now. I did a little research, and confirmed (as I’m sure everyone else knew) that Khosrow really is Sheik Shawn. I’d prefer Sheik Sean, but you take what you can get. Daivari gets a mic and talks in English. He calls Hassan “undefeated,” which ISN’T TRUE BECAUSE HE FUCKED UP THE BELLSHOT ON BENOIT. He begs for forgiveness (on his knees and everything,) then says he’ll get back in Mo’s good graces by issuing and open challenge and beating anyone on RAW. I’m thinking Viscera. No, instead it’s AS THE AYATOLLAH OF ROCK AND ROLLA, DOES ALLAH ALLOW ME TO FUCK SHEEP? This could actually be kinda good. Daivari attacks Jericho as he steps through the ropes. Daivari charges into an elbow and gets chopped a lot. Jericho sends Daivari into the corner, but Daivari dodges a charge and Jericho Palumboizes himself. Daivari sends him shoulder-first into the post again, then works the arm. Shades of Khosrow Anderson. Daivari covers for 1. JR thinks Daivari was “almost begging” for forgiveness. Lawler: “Almost? He couldn’t have done anything more if he licked his boots or something like that.” Lawler does love the foot-kissing angles. Lawler: “My friends back home in Memphis would refer to Daivari’s actions as ‘obsequious.’” Wow, some of Lawler’s twelve-year-old girlfriends are pretty smart. I guess he’s banging Amy Anderson. Oh God, what am I saying? Single-arm DDT by Daivari, who goes up top! Ayatollah Jam? No, he opts for THE STUPID instead. Lawler says you have to be from Memphis to know what obsequious means. That’s funny, I thought I was born in Frankfurt. The Nordrhein-Westfalen one, not the Frankfort one. Jericho does a few clotheslines, then alley-oops Daivari onto his frickin’ face. Daivari sold that really well. Climb-up enzoogweeree, and Daivari comically flops about before setting himself up for the post-Shufflyfeet attack. Shufflyfeet, post-Shufflyfeet attack, and now Jericho wants the Walls. Daivari struggles for the ropes, Jericho tries to yank him out so he lands on his back, but Daivari backflips and lands on his feet! It doesn’t help him much, as Jericho just downs him anyway. Jericho goes up, but Daivari races in and headbutts him in the nuts. Daivari climbs up for a dragoncanrana (or “moonsault” if you’re JR,) but Jericho just kinda falls forward so he lands in Walls of Jericho position. Muhammad attax afterwards. JR: “Come on! Come on! Come on!” JR lies about Hassan being undefeated. Camel Clutch, but I HEAR TELL SOME OF THE OTHER BLACK MENS ARE MUSLIMS makes the save. He and Jericho are to be married soon.
Commercials. Man, “White Noise” came to DVD damn quick. That should be the name of a John Cena rap.
TO CONFRONT, TO EVADE, OR TO AQUIRE? THAT IS THE QUESTION talks to BARELY CLOTHED FEMALE. Christy. Christy wants to know if the divas are eligible for the draft. Everyone is eligible. Even rebeakers. Even readers. Both of you could be sent to…InsidePulse or someplace. Yuck. Eric: “And as a matter of fact, given your display of disrespect last week, I’m kinda hoping that you in particular get drafted to Smackdown. See we’ve got a whole new Diva Search coming up here on RAW, and quite frankly I think we can find a diva that’llshow a little bit more respect for the General Manager’s position.” Say disrespect a few more times, why don’tcha? WE WILL FORCE YOU TO SPEAK FRENCH SERENA OMG HEEL come in and demand another title shot. Jesus. Then they bicker over whose fault losing last week was, so the Bisch says they each get a singles match this week. Assuming they aren’t simply fighting each other, he just made sure we get at least three La Resistance segments tonight. Ratings, baby. At one point, Sylvain says that something or other is the French thing to do. Even though he’s from Quebec.
YOU’RE THE FRANCHISE, CHAMP! FRANCHISE! FRANCHISE, I SAY! is on the phone with Triple H’s answering machine. Hahaha, he really does call him “Franchise” again. CAPTAIN AHAB and THE GREAT WHITE GOAT invade. Christian shows mock concern for Ric as Flair does a slow-burn. Christian: “What’s got you down? Triple H leaving, did he take his ball and go home? I know it’s got you upset. I mean, who’s gonna spit water all over themselves tonight?” Beautiful. Christian: “Naitch, if you’re looking for somebody to suck up to twenty-four seven, you can always suck up to me.” Ric: “I don’t like you. I don’t like you, and you picked the wrong day to jump on Nature Boy Ric Flair!” Christian: “Is that right?” Ric: “Yeah! Sixteen times the world champion! And you? Double zeroes, Captain Courageous, or Captain Charisma, whatever your name is!” Ric wants a match. Christian accepts. Christian: “Woo.” Ric: “WOO!” I love these guys.
Commercials. ECW One Night Stand ad. Why does it say “DESTROY ALL HUMANS!!” in the corner? Speaking of which, since when does Mideon like Futurama (a show he once claimed is also known as OVERRATED.)
And speaking of Mideon, I hear The Next Mideon is Starfire’s favorite rebeaker at The Weekly Visitor. Hahaha, Starfire totally burned EvilJon at The W.
Here’s crusty old footage of Jerry Lawler beating Curt “Before He Was Perfect/Dead” Hennig for…I guess the AWA title. They’re pushing WWE 24/7. I’ll come up with a joke for this by next week, maybe.
GRENIER WEATHERWAX (w/ROBBIE OGG) head for the ring. Sofa may get the joke. Though he hates the Discworld witches. So do I, come to think of it. Ok, Conway came out with Grenier, so I guess they aren’t opponents. Is it time for Viscera now? Yes it is, as A BANGER WHO LIKES TO MASH is here, with new, pimpin’ music. I may be the lone hold-out, but I steadfastly refuse to enjoy Mabel. It’s not in my nature. JR: “Know how they say ‘Whopper’ in France? Viscera.” HOHOHO, good one! La Res aren’t supposed to be French, damn it. Why do I know WWE continuity better than it’s own writers? I’m not sure who that reflects most poorly on. On whom that…most poorly…nevermind. JR: “Viscera has had multiple agendas in recent weeks.” This amuses me, because I knew this kid in eighth grade who could not stop giggling when someone said “agenda” because apparently it sounds exactly the same as “vagina” to him. Anyway, Conway heads back for the lockerroom because who the fuck wants to watch Grenier vs Viscera? Anyway, Grenier does some stuff, and eventually runs into a Bossman Slam. Viscera does pretend butt-sex. Viscera misses a splash, allowing Grenier to get a missile dropkick. Wacky “guy who was pinning flies really far” kick-out. Viscera with his “flying leg lariat.” Embalmer. 1, 2, 3. Why did Gangrel get kicked to the curb while this guy stuck around? Couldn’t Gangrel be spitting fake blood and talking about eating spicy Latina agendas? Viscera asks some plant in the crowd (sadly, not Knives Millions) if he can have one of his nachos. Then he takes ALL THE NACHOS AHAHAHAHA! Now Viscera tells Lillian the nachos taste as good as she does. Is it really all that sexual for someone who looks like he eats people whole to make those puns? Now he puts a nacho in his mouth for Lillian to eat. The fans chant “DO IT” because they’re retarded. Viscera: “That’s it baby. Eat it. Eat it real good.” Then, to my shock, he implies that he and Lillian will be having sex later. JR says Viscera has more than one appetite. He also loves Hummel figurines. Lawler: “Lillian likes nachos!”
HORABLE receives a visit from his lovely wife WHORABLE. Kane is looking a little down, so Lita pats his scary penis head. Not the head of his penis. You know what I mean. Kane starts acting all weird and abusive again out of nowhere. I mean, there was really only a three week period where they were connected on screen and not acting like that, so I guess this is consistent. Wait, now Lita tries to act all evil, but he still manages to give off this “I could kill you for no reason at any moment” vibe. Kane vs Benoit is next, and JR says we’re going to love it. I dunno, is Benoit THAT good?
Commercials. Experience John Cena’s steady, unstoppable flow. Yuck.
Oh wait, they said untouchable. That sounds slightly less like menstruation.
HERPES BROKE MY LEG accompanies IT DID NOT, I DID to the ring. Through hellfire and marital bliss. Hey, Kane squashed Christian last week, maybe if he squashes Benoit, they can somehow arrange to have him squash Eddie and Misterio as a team in the finals to complete the Quadruple Crown of Guys Who Are A Million Times Better Than Kane! It’s too late to use it for an easy nickname, so I’d like to declare the Death-Certificate Cabbage Patch Kid just a smidge below Warren T on the list of things to love about the last DeadJournal. My opinion on that totally matters, you know. I’m the Don Adams to Mideon’s the other guest stars on Scooby Doo. THE RABID BEN VEREEN is an awful joke. However, he has an awesome cursor. Circling to start. “You screwed Matt” chant. Who, Benoit or Kane? Kane forces Benoit into the corner and shoves him. Benoit responds with a chop, ducks a clothesline, and chops Kane again. Go-behind by Benoit, but Kane elbows out. Bodyslam by Kane. JR thinks Kane needs to get Benoit “off his base.” Get him on rhythm-guitar. That pun works so much better spoken aloud than typed-out. Kane misses a big-boot into the corner, tying himself up so Benoit can baseballslide-kick the foot he was standing on. His “base ankle,” says JR. All your base ankle are belong to us. Who took my ankle I’ll find my ankle. *ISLAMIC YODELLING*. Benoit tries for the Sharpshooter, but Kane kicks him away. Kane tries to scoop him up, but Benoit slips out. Crossface attempt, but Kane is too strong (and uncooperative.) Benoit ducks something and chops away, but Kane essentially no-sells and sends Benoit into the corner. Sidewalk slam off the rebound, and Kane covers for 2. Kane sends Benoit into the corner, and clotheslines him down. Uppercut by Kane, cover, but Benoit’s foot is on the rope. JR says something about being a ring general, or perhaps just lucky. I mull over a joke about the Canadian military, but Jerry is quickly in with “Benoit would tell you that’s being a ring general but he’d be lying through his tooth.” Hahaha, nice one Jerry. It never ceases to amaze me how he has so much new material every week. Says the guy who still misses pretending Rey Misterio is followed by Chad and Grandpa. Benoit chops, but Kane no-sells and punches him down. HEY KANE YOU FUCKING SUCK. Sorry. Ninja-chokeout by the monstrous demonic Hell dude Kane. Benoit fights his way out and sunset-flips Kane for 2. JR: “Kane’s battling, he’s a warrior!” Oh waaaarior, please go awayaaaaaay! Kane clotheslines Benoit down to kill the match dead again. A cover gets 2. Modified Demonic Chokeout. The referee is Chad Patton. YUICHIROU! YUICHIROOOOU! Benoit gets out, but gets punched some more. Kane charges into an elbow, but FUCKING NO-SELLS and punches Benoit out again! Christ almighty Kane, you’re not Taker and he’s not Tito Santana. Benoit starts chopping again (because it’s worked so well so far,) but Kane reverses the follow-up Hellish Whip and big boots Benoit down. Kane goes up…but Benoit dropkicks him out of that stupid clothesline of Kane’s. Naptime, and when both men rise, Benoit ducks a Kane clothesline and goes for Rolling Germans. Watch Kane elbow his way out of the second one. No, he takes all three. No, wait, four! This match just got a lot better. Five suplexes, and even Kane has to sell that. Benoit goes up like a retard, no, Kane does the fucking Zombie Sit-up. Benoit baseballslide dropkicks him down, hahaha. He goes up, Air Georgia hits! Delayed cover for a long 2. Benoit with a running elbow drop. Not a power-drive elbow, though. Benoit wants the Sharpshooter, but Kane scrambles to the ropes. Benoit enzoogweeree’s the fuck out of Kane. A baseballslide kick sends Kane to the floor. Benoit tries to set up another, but Kane scrambles, and knocks over Lita. Lita sells the knee. Benoit checks on him like a retard, and gets clobbered in the back of the head. Kane sends Benoit back in, goozles him on the mat, but when he pulls him up, Benoit tries to wrench on the Crossface! Kane slams him down, then chokeslams him anyway. JR: “A hard chokeslam!” So he didn’t do his wussy version? “A thunderous chokeslam!” Lita prefers the thunderous version. Anyway, Kane wins. I hate the WWE. Kane and Lita mug for the camera. Lawler: “They are a cute couple!”
Commercials. Wrestlemania 21 on DVD. Digitally Remastered. By The Digital Remasterpiece. He blurs out that whole Booker T/Masterlock breaking incident.
Our X-Box Hot Foreign Chicks Want Your Sexy Crankshaft of the Week is Christian rapping about Flair and Trips at Backlash.
There really is no doubt guys. Go buy that X-Box racing game and wet your willie. Cunny in the bank. I’m not usually this foul, am I? Anyway, here comes THE BARELY LIVING LEGEND, with a robe that makes Mideon swoon and Boobermonkeys…uh…vanish without warning. CAPTAIN COURAGEOUS OR WHOEVER comes out, not dressed to wrestle, with DOUBLE T, DOUBLE T, WOO! who is dressed to wrestle. I’m sorry sir, we’re all out of bait tonight, but we have plenty of switch! Indeed, Christian says some crap about problems, and the solving of said problems, and Tyson gets the call. Tyson wanders into some chops. Flair goes all spastic with punches in the corner, but Tyson shoves him out and clotheslines him down hard. Tyson scoops up Flair for a strolling powerslam. If he was the British Bulldog, this match would be over! Flair would have covered his dead body for 3. Tonight is all about vaginas and disrespect for the dead. Tyson forces Flair into the corner, yells with the ref post-break, and thus gets chop-blocked by Flair! Ric goes for the Figure-4, but Tomko pulls in the ref as Christian goes into the ring and gouges Flair in the eyes! Flair breaks, but the ref senses something is up and ejects Christian! Tomko tries for the Big Boot, but Flair catches his foot and punches him right in his Angry Goat. Low-blows are enough to beat midcarders when you’re Ric Flair, and he gets the victory. JR: “He damn sure went through Tomko like salt through a wounded woman!” What? I wonder what part of the woman was wounded. I wonder if it sounds like agenda. This is all probably the fault of last night’s episode of House. An old lady said, “Hello. I have pain in my vagina.” It was funny enough, but anything that horrible becomes even funnier when Dr. House is the one being subjected to it.
Vagina.
You know, that really wasn’t a very good wrestling match.
Commercials. The Casino Cinema guys are going to watch Another 48 Hours with Anthony…something indecipherable from the hit show…something indecipherable. And the guest is there, but I don’t recognize him and he doesn’t say anything. You know, it’s almost as if they know he’s not that impressive and want you to tune in to find out who the Hell he is.
Lawler narrates some Diva pictures. “Get entered.” Oh Lawler, you silly goose. Next he’ll tell us these women are lying through their vagina.
I’m going to stop now, I swear.
Earlier Tonight, Triple H. Even when he’s not on the show, he gets two live segments and one of them gets replayed. Sigh.
I AM A “STACEY” KIEBLE’BS ELF! gets her name from this fucking fantastic fan sign. Ok, so “STACEY” is written in all-caps, but in tiny letters in a different color that were obviously added after the rest of the sign was done. And is enclosed in quotation marks. The second B in KIEBLE’BS has the R part of the B bolder than the rest as the guy seemed to realize his mistake before fully coloring in the bottom of the B. And even if the B was an R, it’s still spelled KIEBLE’RS. And actually, the i is lowercase and the first E is about half as big as the other letters and oh God I wish I could do screen captures this sign is so friggin’ awesome. It’s even signed “Johnny G” so we know who to blame. And the guy holding it has a moustache that turns into a beard with no sideburns, and his eyes are all shifty so he looks like a complete sex fiend. And he has a mullet. Beautiful. I have no doubt that Stacey Kiebler will fall madly in love with you and move into your trailer, Johnny G. The y has a long tail that underlines the rest of Johnny, by the way. Man. It’s hard to pull away from that sign and get to the segment. Todd Grisham is ABOUT TO GET FIRED because apparently he called in sick or something. Oh wait, that was Steve Romero. Should be a good Velocity this week. Anyway, yeah, according to 411, Steve Romero called in sick even though “Nobody in WWE realls ‘call in sick.’” I ought to use that MLA [sic] symbol in there for extra fun, but no. I think Johnny G is writing copy for 411 now. Anyway, Todd isn’t about to get fired but I ain’t goin’ back and fixin’ shit. Todd introduces some photos of Stacey from some magazine or whatever, and she declares her intention to show the crowd her panties when AAAAYALEAHELALEAHALEAHLAHEYAH!!!!! SIMON DEAN AND MAVEN'D interrupt. They kick out Todd and tell people they’re fat and stuff. Maven does his bit where he says there’s one gorgeous creature in the ring and it’s him. Then he touches Stacey against her will, asserting his Blackness (read: rapacity.) Dunh-nunh-nunh-nunh-nunh he’s rapin’ it. Don’t blame me, blame Vince McMahon. Or yourself or God. There are rude knaves even in Weekly Visitor. Anyway, they try to force her to drink a shake, she don’t wanna, they threaten to beat her up (which would be a face-turn, right?) but CLEARLY THE MOST DOMINANT TAG TEAM IN THE WORLD interrupt. The Super Heroes run off the evil fitness…guys and set up a month’s worth of Heat matches. Is all this Simon and Maven on RAW recently to punish me for not having engineered some way to rebeak Heat this March?
Holy shit, rapacity is a real word! And it refers to plunder!
I AM SO PUMPED ABOUT THAT LAST SEGMENT is the Coach. He talks to Bischoff, who gets no more nicknames, about the ECW PPV ad. Eric doesn’t like ECW. OMG HEEL.
Commercials. “Two Jareds? Not so great.” One is no great shakes either. Oh, and with hot and cold versions of each sub, we can all go down to Subway and order a chilly, uncooked meatball sub.
HOW MUCH DOES A CON WEIGH? isn’t funny. Neither is his opponent, TECHNICALLY, I ARE UNSTOPPABLE. I believe we at the WV have long maintained that Conway is less asstasstic than Grenier, so let’s see if he can have a good match with Mr. Benjamin. Or Benji as he’s known to racist fucks. Who makes 1/100 times as many Blacks like rape jokes as I do. Conway Pearl Harbors Shelton, then tries to claim the belt. NASTY short-clothesline. Conway: “Ring the damn bell!” Conway stomps, throws Benjamin into the ropes, and shoulderblocks him down hard. It gets 2. Paintbrushes by Conway. Shelton sent to the corner, and Conway rushes in with a hard elbow. Well he’s not fucking around. Snap-suplex into a cover by Robert. It gets 2. Another gets 2. Quebec-sympathizer Chokeout. Shelton gets out, but Robert clubbers. Shelton throws one out of left field, so to speak, and takes over. Robert reverses a whip, but eats the flying burrito. Big Show is wary of that move. JR insists Conway is a French sympathizer instead of being faux-Quebecois. Shelton Papa-Shangos. It’s in his African blood. Robert kicks him, but then wanders into a Samoan Slam. It’s in his Samoan blood. Shelton wants the Exploder, but Robert elbows out. Conway sets up a Gourdbuster, but drops Shelton’s midsection across the top rope. Shelton on the apron, Robert charges in, but Shelton does a high-kick right to Robbie’s face. Shelton with the springboard, and Robert has no sweet Quebec music to counter with, so the bulldog connects for 3. That was short, but pretty damned good, actually. JR: “He has no limitations. His potential is unlimited.” Dey ain’t no limit hootie hoo! OH SHIT, WE TOOK THE “BLACK” OUT OF “BLACK MUSLIMS” jump him at the top of the entry ramp. Hassan ends up putting him in a headdress-assisted Camel Clutch while Daivari SPITS on him. Moho busts out the throat-slitting gesture and the crazy murder eyes. Nice. So Shelly and his bestest buddy Jericho will be taking on the evil Arabs for a while. I predict this will be better than Hurricane and Rosey vs Simon Dean and Maven.
Edge is backstage. He ain’t sneaking in a nickname unless he does something.
Commercials. Spike TV’s Films of Fury features two Chinese guys who look exactly the same. I know that makes me sound awful, but they really do have like the exact same haircut and not especially distinctive outfits or anything.
We’re back with Cena’s rap. Pope Sofa I is going to excommunicate Mideo. The lack of Face is saddening, but it never even occurred to me before seeing this in full that they wouldn’t hire the real Mr. T. I guess it’s kind of funny when they shoot out his cigar and he just replaces it immediately. But I hate the “twist” ending.
AWFUL asks, “Shawn Michaels, tonight you’re facing the Edge. Do you think you can win?” LESS AWFUL says, “I’ll tell you what Maria, I think I can…did you just call him ‘The Edge?’” I missed this the first time. 411 totally ruins it by quoting some real news site that has evidence they did several takes of this and it’s intentionally funny. HBK says Shelton Benjamin is “the finest piece of young talent” he’s faced in twenty years. It totally sounded like he was gonna say “ass.” HBK wants “The Edge” to get ready to whine and cry because he’s about to get jobbed again.
Commercials. I really wish I hadn’t read that at 411. Maria is more entertaining when you really believe in her stupidity. I’m sure it’s at least partially legit. I miss kayfabe right now.
Our Stanley “Did You Come Here Tonight In a Box?” of the Week is HBK superkicking Shelton to death.
TAMARAN’S FAVORITE WRESTLER, THE EDGE has messed-up chyron. It says “Edge,” with no “The.” That’s like calling this website “Weekly Visitor.” Or calling Mumbo “Mumbo.” His opponent is HEARTBREAK KID SHOWSTOPPER with no the’s anywhere. Funny, huh? Meh. Haha, this is funny, as stupid HBK lays on the ramp playing dead after his pyro, and then he can’t fucking get up because all the gay-ass chains are caught in the grill of the ramp. Hahaha. He has to remove his coat while it has him stuck to the floor. The camera brilliantly cuts to Edge, then back to HBK who is playing it up as a joke instead of pretending it didn’t happen. Eh, whatever works.
Commercials. It’s almost 2 in the goddamned morning. Time for some shrift of the short variety. For a fucking change.
Edge is elbowing his way out of a headlock when we return. HBK misses a dropkick, but Edge manages to get catapulted to the floor. HBK sets up an Asai Moonsault! Huh. Both men are a bit dead on the floor. “HBK” chant. JR wants to call Shawn “ultra-athletic” but ends up calling him “altar-athletic.” HBK throws some punches and sends Edge back in. HBK wanders into a NASTY hot-shot by Edge. It looked like his face caught the rope. Edge does boot-choking. Shades of boot-Christian. Batista watches on a monitor but gets no nickname. Edge chokes some more. HBK sells that his throat exploded. Modified ninja-chokeout by Edge. Rear-naked choke. HBK likee very much. HBK fights his way up and chops and stuff, but runs into a kick. They exchange punches and chops, but Edge goes to the eyes. Edge takes HBK down with something or other for 2. Ninja chokeout, because God forbid this show end soon. Bah, it’s not these guy’s fault I timed this so poorly. HBK fights his way up. The crowd, I must admit, is rabid for this. HBK elbows out of the hold, but Edge pulls him down by the hair. Edge goes up, but HBK catches him up top. HBK wants a superplex. They fight over it, and Edge sends Michaels down. Edge goes for THE STUPID, not giving HBK enough room for a dropkick or whatever, and eats a regular kick. Both men lie around and that kinda sucked. HBK chops away when both men are back up. Edge reverses a whip, but eats the flying burrito. HBK kips up, and gets an inverted atomic drop on Edge. Punches and shit. Back body drop, scoop slam, and HBK goes up top. Macho Elbow…connects! HBK stomps his little footsy. Edge ducks under the Sweet Chin Music, tries for an Electric Chair, but HBK counters into a victory roll for 2! HBK chops, Edge reverses a corner whip, and HBK does a modified Flair Flip. He staggers backwards into an Edge-o-matic for 2. Edge starts to lose it, because he was sure the move he has never ever won a match with was going to win him that match. JR: “He gets bug-eyed, his eyes look like saucers!” They’re fish eyes, JR. Come on. HBK reverses a whip, Edge almost hits the ref, and now HBK does clothesline the ref. Edge with the Edge-u-whatever DDT. JR: “The Impaler DDT! The DDT! Big-time version! Super-Sized!” Someone alert Maven. Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh! Edge wants the Spear, but he runs right into the Super Kick! The ref is out though. HBK wakes the ref while Edge retrieves the briefcase. HBK ducks the briefcase-shot! HBK sends him to the ropes, but Edge tries to toss him to the floor. HBK lands on the apron, he sunset-flips back in, but Edge still has the briefcase! He FUCKING MURDERS HBK with the briefcase, just smashing it into HBK’s head and splattering it against the mat. Damn that was nice. And then Edge casually kicks the briefcase out of the ring and covers for 3. Very, very nice.
Final Thoughts: That didn’t seem like much of an episode at the time, but God that “Stacey” sign was beautiful.
