It’s one thing to be waiting for a package, and it’s another thing to be waiting for a package and live with a person who constantly orders crap on Ebay and receives like five packages a week, but it really sucks when you’re waiting for a package and someone who does not live in the same house as you has five packages sent to your house for herself every week.
SAILOR MOON TEEN TITANS: So the bulk of the staff (MIDEON) was meeting on line to discuss who should be what color in the glossary I’m wheedling everyone into adding to. And I realized green is not only the color of my third favorite Scout, but also my least favorite Titan. So we discussed Titans, colors, and who we hate and why. Two funny remarks came about. Mideon decided that Starfire’s orange skin means she’s “Tazzmaranian” which led me to say “The flash in the pan is like the spunkacider!” But Sofa took the prize with his appraisal of Raven: “Raven's George Strait-esque "I Hate Everything" personality is grating, too.”
I’m sorry I called you fat, Mideon. It’s not like I even know what TNM looks like. I know only that he owns a The Rock mask. Which he probably doesn’t.
SMACKDOWN: I guess TCF is calling MNM’s double-team finisher “The Snapshot.” Not sure if he invented that or not. I was thinking a tandem finisher might be called “Shine Aqua Illusion” and any singles finisher for Joey Mercury might be called “Mercury Aqua Rhapsody.” Regular spots of note could be called “Mercury Bubbles Blast” or the Jappier “Shabon Spray.” Please?
It’s just a good thing Amy Weber is gone. Because…well, that’s good in general.
Hey, I called in sick today! You get a relatively timely Rawbeak, and all it cost me was a day’s wages! Maybe I’ll get fired! Then I can rebeak impact!
MSG shows either rock or suck, there’s no in-between. There’s usually at least one “shocking” special appearance by a big star, and they usually suck. NO MSG.
HOT CLOTHED-FEMALE ACTION is backstage talking to GOOD OL’ JR(IP) in an effort to establish why some match Triple H pulled out of his bleeding ass as we went off the air last week is actually going to happen. Eric says he wishes he could cancel the match (why not just not make it?) but he also says announcers are a dime a dozen and this match intrigues him. I guess Eric is a heel this week. I’m shocked he wasn’t in the background when Luther made fun of Big Show last week, or two weeks ago or whenever. RVD wishes announcers were a dime bag a dozen. Yeah, the word “dime” crops up and suddenly I’m making pot jokes about a superstar on another brand who hasn’t even been on TV in forever since his leg ate a boat or whatever. Sad, really. Eric makes the match “no disqualification,” and JR acts like this means he’s extra-doomed. Despite it being mind-numbingly obvious that this opens the door for a screwy JR win. Eric also says that since Trips will have Flair in his corner, JR should have Batista in his corner. Why don’t you just tell us “Dave will powerbomb Triple H and put JR on top” while you’re at it?
Credits. Orton’s massize loogie on Trips is gross.
Fan sign: “KILL JR.” Our hosts are A MOXIE and A PEDOPHILE. I don’t know why, but JR’s non-animated graphic where his twisted face gazes off into the distance cracks me up. Now, bullshit, HBK takes on Hassan. He didn’t beat Daivari! He hasn’t earned the right!
I SLEPT WITH LITA AND GOT THUNDER-CLAP is out with the briefcase. It gives me both joy and pain to have to make jokes about Sailor Jupiter having STDs. Edge runs around and squats like he needs to take a dump and is in Japan. His opponent is BOB HOLLY PLEASE LOAN ME YOUR ROBOT ARM. Well, this ought to be good, at least. Edge stomps him down as he slides in the ring, but Benoit chops his way back. Edge sent to the corner, Benoit charges into the boot, Benoit ducks a clothesline and cinches a rear-waistlock, Edge elbows out of the Germans, Benoit blocks the Edge-u-Whatever, reapplies the rear-waistlock and gets the rolling Germans! I keep wanting to type “wasitlock.” The crowd is chanting “You screwed Matt.” I’m not real big on Adam Copeland the human being at the moment, but I HATE smark crowds. Whoa, Benoit is PISSED, as he hits FIVE Germans before releasing! Edge is dead, as well he should be after that. Benoit goes up. Lawler: “Lying through his tooth.” Idiot. Idiot applies to Benoit as well, as Edge escapes Air Georgia. Benoit starts gripping his arm and convulsing all goofily. Edge lining up the Spear, but Benoit sidesteps it! Edge recovers before hitting the post, ducks a clothesline, and gets a rare Edge-o-matic variant in which he lets go and covers for 2 instead of immediately hooking the leg for 2 without releasing. Ninja chokeout by Edge, begging the crowd to chant “We Want Matt.” Benoit eventually gets out. Edge tries a back suplex, but Benoit slips out and applies the Crawlspace. Edge makes the ropes. Benoit holds on, so Edge slips outside, with Benoit still attached! Hold finally broken, and they brawl on the floor. Benoit reverses a whip and sends Edge into the barricade. Benoit clotheslines him into the crowd, and they brawl out there. Um…count-out, maybe? It’s some kinda no contest, as they’re trading punches backstage now. Well, this was a lot of nothing. If this was Nash and Triple H, we’d have clips of this interspersed with the rest of the show. Instead, they get pulled apart.
Commercials. Anthony Anderson, shame of the huge, fictional Anderson family. “I’m gonna stay on y’all like white girls on NBA players” is the most-forced, least-funny thing I’ve ever heard.
I like how in this Backlash ad, Triple H is still billed above Batista.
VICTORIA and SOME WHORES are reading RAW magazine or something when I STOLE SULLIVAN’S WIFE and I STOLE HARDY’S GIRLFRIEND burst through, still fighting. OMG LUTHER BIG SHOW IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU (Eric Bischoff) comes in and yells about Edge vs Benoit at Backlash. In a Texas Dea…I mean Last Man Standing Match. The WWE needs to just accept that Texas Death > LMS.
Trish Stratus is STAR BELLY because she has a star on her belly. It says “babe.” I guess someone names “Babe” is so famous, he got a star on Trish’s chest. Perhaps it’s that blue ox I’ve heard them talk so much about lately. This is not a paltry excuse to make Starfire jokes, I just couldn’t think of anything else. Trish says she wants to make a fresh start with Lita. The smark MSG fans boo the mere mention of Lita. MY MORALS DIED IN A PLANE CRASH comes out, to boos. Makoto’s parents died in a plane crash. That info helps in understanding that “joke.” Some fan has a sign that simply says “Trish Stratus.” No, honey, Trish is in the ring. The fans are booing like crazy, and to her credit, Trish pretends they’re booing her. The fans chant slut. Trish: “Don’t call her a slut.” That would be hilarious is these were marks calling Trish a slut. Trish talks about how she and Lita have a great history. The fans chant “You screwed Matt.” Trish threatens to leave if they don’t shut up. She’s really trying, but they’re starting to throw her off. Trish says she loves Lita like a sister. Kinky. “We want Matt” chants. Nothing gets you over like being fired. Trish wants to know if Lita accepts her apology. Lita gets the mic. The fans boo her cool babyface lines. Lita: “Much like you, payback’s a bitch!” TOO BAD I’M NOT THE BIG CONDOM MACHINE makes no sense as a nickname. Sorry. It almost does because it’s about sex, but it ultimately goes the path of Vulcan-raped Triple H. His music and pyro hit (Kane’s, not Vulcan-raped Triple H,) scaring Trish and allowing Lita to sneak in a crutch-shot. Trish flees in terror. Are Kane and Lita seriously supposed to be good guys? He’s looking to chokeslam her, and the presence of two heels on commentary supporting Trish is making it even harder for me to guess how we’re supposed to feel. Suddenly, I ATE VENUS AND PICKED MY TEETH WITH ARTEMIS attacks Kane and saves Trish. That’s Viscera. And another awful nickname. You can’t pick your teeth with a cat, for one. And I just made reference to someone eating Venus which can easily be read all wrong. Viscera shoves Kane around, eventually fatvalanching him in the corner. “Let’s go Mabel” chant. Embalmer, I guess. Big splash. “FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME!” Everything about this is horrible. “You mess with Trish, you mess with me!” This paragraph may have my four worst nicknames ever. *Holds up four fingers.* The elite shitty nicknames in the world today. Now Trish tries to leave, but Viscera scoops her up and carries her off. She protests. She does not wish to be on him like white girls on morbidly obese players.
Commercials. I don’t think I “get” the latest Truth ad. Did tobacco want to make cigarette-flavored ice cream?
Viscera looms over Trish backstage. She thanks him, giggles, and tries to leave. Viscera: “I’m glad to be of service, but I’ll be even more glad, when you service me.” Hahaha. White men be raping like THIS, but Black men be raping like THIS. He continues to paw her and talk about things going “all night long.” Is the crowd popping for this? I think they are. I hate MSG crowds.
BANGERS AND MASH AND SQUID EYES are out to face Coach’s Ultimate Tag Challenge. Having already seen this, skimming through Scaia speculating about the Dudleys, Rey and Eddie, or other shocking swerves seems really funny. It is in fact a new team called “The Heartthrobs,” to be known for right now as THE PANTIER PALS. Lillian Garcia: “Romeo, and….um…Antonio, the Heartthrobs!” It was funny because the “and” was all saucy, and then she forgot the other guy’s name. They have less cool music, but basically have a Panty Palz style video with more goofy lights flashing. They come out in matching tights, headbands, and pink boas, and gyrate a lot. The best part is the reaction shot of Regal and Tajiri. The Heartthrobs dance together on the apron, and give us a thumbs-up. Then they dance some more. They’re getting a decent heel reaction. Neither Tajiri nor Regal want to start (or, likely, to touch them,) but Regal eventually does. Antonio snags a headlock, gets sent to the ropes, and shoulderblocks Regal for 2. Crisscross sequence, and Antonio gets a crossbody for 2. Gay dancing by Antonio. Yeah, watch RAW, Mideon. Tag to Tajiri, and Antonio does the Crane Stance and screams like an injured bird. Lockup, and Anotnio works an armwringer. Tajiri flips around to counter. Flippity counter countering by Antonio, but Tajiri downs him again. Antonio kicks and tags in Romeo. Romeo sends Tajiri to the ropes, but whatever is countered by Tajiri. Tag to Regal, double armdrag, and Regal knocks Antonio off of the apron. Romeo makes him pay by doing a sort of battering ram and squashing Regal into the corner. Antonio chokes Regal with the tag ropes. The crowd is dead for these new guys, but you have to expect a crowd that excited about smarky chants to ignore new faces. Or new heels, I should say. They aren’t chanting “boring,” as I’m sure they’re consciously saving that for Masters. Romeo rams Regal in the corner again, kind of…burying his head in Regal’s midsection. Almost his crotch. Hmm. Tag to Antonio, who gyrates. Cover for 2. Antonio with a modified Ninja-chokeout. Regal forces his way out, and Antonio tags in Romeo. Romeo punches. Now he covers for 2. Romeo spazzes out with punches, and Antonio punches along on the apron like he was Eugene. Hahaha. Antonio is already overshadowing Romeo. Coach, meanwhile, has spent the whole match on commentary blathering about how he and the Heartthrobs were clubbing all last night and got sent straight to the VIP rooms to par-tay. Lawler is a “ham and egger of life.” Ah, now the crowd is chanting “boring.” I knew I could count on these assholes to pay good (hard) money to boo the first wrestling match of the night that won’t disintegrate into a plot segment. I can’t blame them for the fact that the corner double-team is going nowhere though, and Regal finally fights free by kicking Antonio once, punching Romeo, and ignoring Antonio’s effort to block by just brushing past him and tagging Tajiri. Tajiri comes in with some fancy flying kick that doesn’t even come close to hitting Antonio. Antonio sells it anyway. Tajiri throws a straight kick to make Antonio’s sudden “devastated” status make sense, and that was awful. Lawler: “Tajiri with those feet flying!” Coach: “Well he figures if he kicks enough, he’s bound to land something!” Tajiri ducks under a clothesline from Romero and kicks him a few times. Chynaese elbow. Antonio breaks up the fall. Romeo bolts up to stop Regal from coming in. Heartthrobs throws Tajiri into the ropes, and go for the dreaded Double Papa Shango. Tajiri kicks Romeo and throws Antonio to the floor. Regal hot-shots Romeo into a fancy roll-up by Tajiri for the win. They pose with the belts, but the Heartthrobs attack from behind? Oh come on guys, you’ve already lost the crowd. Romeo puts Tajiri in a full-nelson so Antonio can punch him (RAWR I WILL CHOKE YOU OUT WITH MY ROMEOLOCK RAWR) and then they give him a double Rock-Bottom which is probably called the “Throbbing Pink Mass” or something. Coach: “They don’t just get girls, they get bunches of girls!” Prides of lions, murders of crows, bunches of girls. We hear the Heartthrob theme again. It sounds a bit like the player select screen from King of the Fighters 2000, making me envision the Psycho Soldiers dancing around in goofy short-shorts with headbands and boas. Athena would have to have a bra, of course.
Commercials. John Cena raps about Stacker 2, and then that Black chick reads “poetry” about drug abuse. I’m just glad that spoken-word McDonald’s garden fresh salad poetry ad never air on RAW. I don’t know why only one “poetry” got “quotation marks.”
The WWE Rewind is Triple H beating up Hurricane and Rosey. Sadly, this could be a rewind to any one of like a million RAWs over the years.
“IRON” MIKE CHIODA talks to JUTHOR REIGNS. I don’t know. JR can’t find Batista. I love how now that Batista is the champion, he never appears until like five minutes before the end of the show. Lazy animal. Sloth, I guess.
HA! HA! HA! watches this on a monitor (that always makes me think of Bradshaw and his jaunty walking stick off to buy a giant TV on which to watch Fox News now) and tells I’M UP PAST MY BEDTIME! WOO! that he had a little discussion with Batista’s limousine service and has sent Bradshaw off on “the ride of his life.” Triple H bribed them to go to Six Flags. *Crazy music and old man dancing.* Or perhaps Batista will end up eating all his food in terror.
Now THE ALLAH ALLAH ALLAH TOUR members just stand there smiling at nothing. Hahaha. This is great, the camera rolls like two seconds too early so instead of looking happy, they look like they’re on shrooms. IVORY DON’T WANT ME FLYIN’ conducts the interview. Hassan nullifies one of my objections to tonight’s RAW by explaining that he asked for the match with HBK after seeing how easily Daivari beat HBK last week. Ok, now it makes a little more sense. He also cuts a heel promo on New York, and I can’t honestly blame New Yorkers for being easily manipulated by an Islamic heel who calls NYC “the most evil city in the world.” I mean, no one flew two airplane into my local Ukrops, but if they did, I’d be annoyed if someone dressed like a caricature of them called my Podunk town “the most evil town in the world.” Todd asks how they’d feel about facing HBK and Hogan. They give us “concerned,” and then Hassan claims Hogan is “selfish, self-serving, and only in it for himself!” He belongs in jail. Send him to jail. Jail. Daivari sneaks in some Farci. Possibly the Weiner Man song. I know a wiener man, he owns a hot dog stand.
Commercials. Blech.
Our King’s Ransom NOTHING of the week is the WWE Slam of the Week. Which is HBK losing to Daivari. I’ll try not to tape over that.
I can’t top Islamic Orgasm, so why try? Here’s OH WARRIOR, COME OUT AND JOOOOOB (w/THAT SUPERMAN VILLAIN WHO SUPERMAN CAN ONLY BEAT BY MAKING HIM SAY HIS OWN NAME BACKWARDS. HIM. We hear more of the ululating than usual this week. SUDDENLY, THERE WAS NO HETEROSEXUALITY comes out trailing spangly, metal-laden tassels but still dashes to the ring to attack Hassan in the ring. Hassan hides in a spider hole. With O’Haire. But then he leaves because he dislikes The Great Satan. Hassan back in after Shawn strips. Shawn knocks Hassan down. Punches exchanged. The crowd chants for Hogan as Coach yells about Hassan being a warrior some more. Hassan bails again, comes back in, and takes over with a knee to the gut. King doesn’t know if Hogan and HBK are in contact. Coach: “Well King you’re always the fountain of information, I thought surely you would know something by now, but apparently I was wrong.” Heh. The delivery made it fun. Lawler has nothing. Hassan punches away in the corner, sends HBK into the corner, and charges into a boot. HBK gets a high knee, but Daivari tugs at his heels to distract him. HBK chases Daivari like an idiot, allowing Hassan to attack from behind. Hassan rams HBK into the apron. Daivai tries to attack, but the ref is watching him. RACIAL PROFILING. HBK back in the ring, where he spontaneously takes over with chops. Hassan reverses a whip, HBK catches himself in the ropes and acts like this is a huge deal. Hassan charges and gets tossed to the floor. Why not take an ad break? Ugh.
Commercials. I don’t like HBK, but I know he can be good. Hassan is just boring. Hey, this ad for Blade Trinity features Triple H kissing a little rat dog. No worse than Chyna. Hey, look at those three non Triple H’s on the box art! Triple H must be behind them somewhere. With his dog. In yet another ad, the women fawning over Lance Krall are humorously revealed to be paid actors. He’d better humorously pay enough people to keep his show afloat for more than a month. OH NO I DIDNA!
We’re back, and HBK is chopping Hassan in the corner. HBK sends Hassan to the ropes and Papa Shangos, allowing Hassan a clubbering forearm and…an odd bulldog he set up like a swinging neckbreaker. It gets 2. Hassan with a backbreaker and a shout-out to Allah. Choking. He’s got a spot of blood or something on his back. Lawler complains about Hassan’s “attitude.” Hassan praises Allah again. Lawler: “Look at this, we don’t need this!” Yes, religions = attitudes now. HBK kicks out of whatever. Ninja Choke-out. Daivari: “Pull on it! Pull on it!” Don’t shout that in HBK’s direction. HBK fights out, and they trade punches. More punching. So boring. Hassan sends HBK to the ropes, and Shawn gets the flying burrito. Both men down. Lawler, trying to call the kip-up: “Watch Shawn Michaels, I just got, I just got a feeling!” Coach: “I think that’s gas, King.” And sure enough, HBK fails to kip-up post flying burrito for the first time in history. Until a few seconds later, of course. Inverted atomic drop for Hassan. Daivari on the apron, but HBK takes him down. Scoop slam (it’s over!) and HBK goes up top…Macho Elbow! HBK capers about long a gay gnome. The band, she’s tuning up. Right in the Daivari corner. Daivari goes up, but HBK slams him down, but it still distracts HBK enough that he wanders into the…uh…Downward Spiral. The Deep Shiite. Daivari knows HBK won’t sell that for 3, so they do a stompdown for the Dairy Queen. Now they hang him, but here comes HUMANITY, UNDERSTANDING, LOVE, KINDNESS for the save. They stomp him down, but he ignores their offense completely. Modified Coconut Cyclone (aka double noggin knocker.) Big boot for Daivari. Big boot for Hassan. HBK clotheslines Daivari to the floor. Same thing for Hassan. So…I guess he just doesn’t big boot anymore, huh? I don’t know if it came crashing down, but it definitely hurts inside. Hogan encourages HBK to pose with him. Edge is SOOOO jealous.
Ok, you can stop posing any time now.
Commercials. Jet Li in Unleashed. Based on an original story by Kevin Sullivan.
Whoever is next is going to die a horrible crowd death. Nevermind, it won’t make a difference because up next is YET-AYS MAKE GREAT INSURANCE POLICIES. Some woman is screeching. Ugh, he has money hanging out of his panties. Just came from his other job, I guess. Masters: “You know, all I keep hearing about is how tough you Yew Norkers, New Yorkers are supposed to be.” Never talk. He challenges anyone in the crowd to break out of his Masterlock. I’d cry “gyp,” but it’s not like it wasn’t going to suck for Hurricane or Venis to come out instead. Masters: “So who’s up to step to the challenge?” He sees a huge, bearded fatty. Masters: “You’re too fat, I couldn’t even put it on you.” Great, have him form the Heat Horsemen with Maven and Dean. Lawler: “That guy should never wear blue, people’ll try to mail letters in him.” What the fuck? Are mailboxes much taller and fatter in Memphis? Anyway, some guy who has a build and look that screams “developmental wrestler” is chosen. Maybe he’ll pull double-duty and do the next Hometown Hero Challenge with Angle. The guy’s name is “Roman,” but he Masters says it like “Ro-Man,” hahaha. Give it up for RO-MAN THE RO-MAN. To be like the Hu-man, why is this not in the plan? Ro-Man is from Bayside Queens, which might mean something to Tazz. Jack Doan stops Masters so he can hold the money. Masters puts on the Masterlock, and chokes the kid out, I guess. I was hoping he’d counter with the Calcinator Death Ray. Coach: “It’s not all show, it’s a whole-lotta go, baby.” Other than the jobber being Ro-Man the Ro-Man, this was just boring bad.
Commercials. WWE European Tour ad. I wonder if Bradshaw will be appearing in Berlin?
I HAVE A NEW WEIGHTLOSS BAR JUST FOR MAILBOXES ruins my Heat Horsemen joke by being on RAW. He tries to talk, but AIN’T NO LISTENIN’ TO YOU, NOW! interrupts. This is apparently an IC Title shot for Simon Dean, and somehow, I think the title is safe. Hahaha, Shelton’s Stupidtron video includes the “Triple H’s penis is this big” still. Let’s flashback to last week, where Jericho got completely showed up, barely treading water with the line about Fozzy’s new “Shelton Benjamin is a Little Bitch” single. Uh-oh, here comes I AM RUBBER, YOU ARE GLUE to taunt Shelton. Jericho: “Shelty, Shelty, Shelty.” Jericho announces the Bischoff has signed Shelton vs Jericho at Backlash. Now Jericho says he’s going to perform Fozzy’s new single. He brings out Fozzy’s guitarist, SOME LOSER. Y2J “sings” his awful, awful song:
Jericho: You should have known better than to mess with me,
A seven-time champion you’ll never be,
You claim to be the biggest superstar in town,
But your maaaaamaaaa gave birth to a big assclown.
Lawler: “This is great!”
Jericho: Shelton, Shelton is a little bitch,
Shelton, Shelton is a little bitch,
Shelton, Shelton is a little bitch,
Shelton, Shelton is a little bitch,
That’s right, Shel…
Thankfully, Simon Dean attaxors Shelton before the hilarity overcomes me and my chest caves in from convulsions of laughter. It’s amazing how Lawler only supports Jericho when he’s mocking Shelton. Anyway, Simon knocks Shelton to the ramp, then stomps some. He sends Shelton back in, goes up top, and gets a top-rope clothesline for 2. Simon punching, clubbering, and…HAHAHA, he does this move where he has Shelton in a headscissors with Shelton facing the mat, and then he does push-ups to drive Shelton’s face into the mat. Awesome. Ninja-chokeout applied. Shelton gets out and sends Simon into the ropes, but charges an elbow. Clothesline for Simon, and a cover for 2. Choking. Simon stomps some more. A finisher would aid his quest for championship gold. Modified ninja-chokeout, and Shelton gets to his feet. Simon sent to the ropes, but he ducks a clothesline and gets a…cyclone punch? Heavily Modified Coconut Cyclone. Lawler plugs Stone Cold on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and, haha, Coach bravely declares that he won’t watch. Are WWE commentators allowed to do that? Simon hits the ropes, but charges into some fancy backbreaker. Shelton with a clothesline, now sending Simon into the ropes for an alley-oops. Kneelift by Shelton, and I guess it’s over. Stinger Splash, Exploder, it’s over. Haha, for a change of pace, he held Simon in position for the Exploder and talked a bit of trash instead of popping it off immediately. Jericho does mock applause. I am SO on Shelton’s side here.
Smackdown Rebound. Show Mercury. Show Mercury. God damn it. It’s Kurt/Eddie, and Eddie’s priceless freakout when he sees Rey with the chair. Next week, Big Show vs Booker T. Oh God, please win Booker T.
Commercials. House of Wax. Warning: May not be that good.
Coach has to read the Jungle Beat copy. Racism. MAJOR MAGNETISM (w/PRIVATE PANACHE) is here. Coach: “CC, Captain Charisma in the house!” Lawler agrees that he and Coach are fellow peeps. Several pro-Christian signs are visible. Christian says he’s better than Hogan because Hogan never beat Benoit. Then he makes reference to…some sports dude. What the fuck, COUNTDOWN TO BROWN BRITCHES interrupts!? They always put Christian in the ring with Vince, because Christian makes any plot segment gold, baybay. Vince says Christian talks and talks and says nothing. Christian thinks Vince is here to sing Christian’s praises. Vince resurrects “Creepy Little Bastard.” Christian interrupts him, so Vince says if he interrupts one more time, he’ll make Captain Charisma “Captain Unemployed.” If you interrupt Vince or get cheated on by Lita, it’s over. Christian opens his mouth to speak, and TOMKO COVERS HIS MOUTH! Ahahahahaha! That’s fucking beautiful. Vince announces another draft lottery in “about a month,” and successfully says “It’s time to shake things up.” Not as much fun as “it’s tiiiime to shake ‘em up!” Christian thinks he would be good on Smackdown. NO. Not like a month after I switched shows! “I would kick Marky Mark’s ass and take his WWE title, cause that’s how I roll!” Big face pop. Fucking right. The MSG fans are making a late rally in my eyes. Coach: “Hahaha! I love it!” Vince says that Christian deserves to be in the main event, so next week, he gets to be murdered by Batista. Christian looks terrified, but eventually warms up to the idea.
Commercials. Will Ferrel’s kid in that soccer movie: “Dad, you gotta lighten up.” It’s tiiiime to lighten up!
SO DAMN CREEPY interviews HOO HOO HOO backstage. This has been a shockingly Trips free show thus far. Triple H tells us that he’s the best and the Pedigree is unstoppable. Then he gives Todd the Pedigree. Well, it seemed like he was gonna, so I started typing that. He actually just talks some more, then segues into a montage of how awesome he is. “Need I say more, Todd?” And he leaves without Pedigreeing him. A certain psychotic online girl is relieved.
Commercials. Lance Krall Lance Sucks.
HINDERING HORNET HARMERS (w/DON’T TOUCH MY SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS! WOO!) are out first. Coach says he warmed this seat for himself. Ok. They banter on some more. King asks the world in general if they’re tough enough to the King of the Iron Fist Tournament, and somehow Coach contains himself. BOOMER GONER comes out alone, to NO POP. Good. Triple H stalls. JR is in a Sooners jersey and black pants, by the way. And he has a belt. Country whuppin’, it could happen. Triple H offers a handshake. JR stares at him for twenty minutes. Triple H lays a hand on JR’s shoulder, talks at him, then punches him in the stomach. Hard to miss. Clubber. JR is already dead. Triple H pulls JR up, and punches him. Triple H walks around. Triple H wanders over, and JR throws a punch. Trips is stunned. Triple H punches him down. Coach: “What a shot to the kisser, and an ugly one at that!” Mounted punches. The ref tries to pull Trips off, so Trips shoves him into the corner and yells at him. Trips walks some more. JR has been busted open, so Trips punches the cut in his forehead. The ref generates more static. More walking about. Coach: “King, he needs to continue to take advantage, because right now he has the upper hand, and you know this match could turn, at any time!” Triple H punches some more as Coach talks about what a back and forth struggle it’s been. King is getting pissed. Trips rips off the jersey. Another punch to JR’s huge, bloody face. Triple H removes the country whuppin’ belt, wraps it around his knuckles, and punches some more. Choking. Even when JR is the victim, this is boring. TOM “HAPPY KING” SERVO heads for the ring. Coach: “You can’t leave me! How can I possibly call this big main event on my own?” Lawler pleads with Triple H to stop. Ric comes in and charges at Lawler, but Trips stops him for some reason. Trips pretends to listen to Jerry, but then attax. Pedigree for Lawler. This is fucking bizarre. Ric stomps away on Lawler, to WOOs from the crowd. DILATORY DAVE THE PROCRASTINATING SLAVE’s limo finally arrives, and he comes out and attax Triple H. Ric Flair jumps on Dave’s back like Dawn Marie jumping on any male wrestler, hahaha. Dave pitches him down. Trips attacks, Dave fights him off, Ric rushes in, and gets his pine busted. Triple H finally downs Dave with a chairshot from behind. Pedigree coming, but Dave backdrops out! Dave has the chair, and lays out Triple H. Dave stands around, smiling slyly. He sees JR. He sees Triple H. Hey, yeah, the match isn’t over! I’m so retarded, Dave’s brilliant idea really does seem clever to me. And I even predicted it at the beginning of the show. He puts JR on top. The ref counts to 3. Wow, Jim Ross’ music sounds a lot like Batista’s. Batista does a thumbs down. That was cool once, maybe.
The first ever Lance Krall Show sketch involves dubbing humor. Never a good sign.
Final Thoughts: This was a mostly suck show with one or two really sweet moments, most of which involved Christian. A lot of bad, but I like to concentrate on the good. Cause that’s, how I roll. But Hulk can’t be around for too long, and if SD gets screwed in the draft like last year, things are looking up. I think the Neo Panty Palz are Heatbound, though.
