Super Asia apparently has a top-secret totally awesome nickname for Randy Orton, which is fine because Orton’s shoulder ate a boat and we won’t be seeing him tonight. I think.
NAKED WOMENS WRESTLING LEAGUE: I’m glad the Naked Womens Wrestling League isn’t hindered by things like apostrophes. This was on the official page; you can’t blame Evk. As…interesting as that was, I think the next time naughty screenshots have to be edited for the protection of our younger readers (THE NEXT MIDEON,) the traditional Ultimate Warrior logo genital-guard should be used.
STAR TREK: You’re sick of hearing about Star Trek.
SAILOR MOON: You’re really sick of hearing about Sailor Moon, too.
So, four men got fired by WWE this week. Chilly Willy had a developmental deal or something. Didn’t get ECW when he was around, no opinion. Carlito’s heavy, Jesus, was also fired. What the fuck did he do? Vince McMahon is supposed to be Satan, and he fired frickin’ Jesus to prove it. Rhyno was let go. They’ve got this ECW reunion show coming up, so why not fire Rhyno! Meh. The biggest disappointment to me was that, for the high crime of having been in love with Edge’s skanky-ass ho, Matt Hardy was fired. Somewhere, Asteroid Boy is laughing. Perhaps on an asteroid.
Molly Holly was also fired. Well, she and WWE agreed on the terms of her release or whatever. She went through with the ridiculous “big butt” angle, the granny panties bullshit, she got her fucking head shaved…I guess it’s just as well she parted ways with the company before they put her in a little cage and gave her to Jerry Lawler.
Groo. I’d put that in the glossary if I understood it.
Tonight, Batista gets to talk. Also, HBK vs Mohammad Hassan in a “Bait and Switch” match. Yeah, I’m rebeaking off of a tape. People still do that, you know.
Evil giggling heralds the arrival of the OMG HEEL female tag team of THE ONLY FEMALE WRESTLER LEFT and WHAT ABOUT ME? OH YEAH. The fact that the final surviving Holly is Hardcore makes me question the existence of a God. Though, come to think of it, he was the only real Holly. Fake Hollys are better than real Hollys. Here’s replays of Trish attempting to carry the entire Women’s Division on her back last week. Their opponents are SOMEBODY KILL HER and WILL BE FIRED NEXT WEEK. That would be Christy Hemme and Victoria, respectively. Hey, even though Stevie’s face was destroyed and they’ve been split for forever, let’s see if Victoria can get fired before I finish my retarded CYOA in which you help her try to find her missing beau. That would up your number of fired team members from 2 to 3. I plan to hate this match, by the way. Molly and Victoria start. They work a hammerlock. Fans: “We want Lita!” Hope you’ve had all your shots. Victoria does a cartwheely counter, and some armdrags. Scoop slam, and she’s setting up for the ass-wiggling moonsault. Lawler: “She’s not Japanese!” Don’t tell Sofa’s friend. Nevermind. Tag to Christy. LOUD BOOS. Hahaha. Shitty kicks. Scoop slam. Some kinda weirdo legdrop. Molly reverses a whip, and Christy almost botches getting kicked by Trish. Eh, Trish was a little late. Tag to Trish, full-nelson by Molly (NO ONE ESCAPES THE MOLLYLOCK SHE WILL CHOKE YOU OUT URGLERUGLEAHAHAH) to let Trish get in a cheap shot. Trish sends Christy into the corner for kicks and chops. Trish licks her hand and chops, which is weird. Heavily modified spit-punch, I guess. Trish does that thing where she gets on the top turnbuckle and does a lifting choke. Tag to Molly, snapmare by Trish, and Molly dropkicks Christy right in the fucking face. That must have felt good for poor Molly. Molly with a half-crab. JR: “Half Boston crab by Molly Holly, who’s not from Boston, she’s from Minnesota.” LIAR! She’s from Alabama, like all fake Hollys! Fake Andersons are from Minnesota. JR says Christy is “doing all she can do to get off her back.” There’s a first time for everything, I suppose. Zing. Anyway, Christy kicks off, and tags in Victoria. Victoria sends Molly into the ropes and gets a back elbow. Clothesline aplenty, and there’s a big back body drop for Molly. Widow’s Peak!? No, Trish breaks it up with the Chick Kick. Molly sends Victoria to the ropes, but Papa Shangos and gets kicked in the face. Victoria tag Christy, because Heaven forbid Molly not job to the utterly despicable Christy Hemme on her way out. Christy does some hairpull throws and shit, then slaps Trish on the apron, but eats a double-axehandle from behind by Molly. Molly came dangerously close to having her final nationally televised wrestling maneuver be the Papa Shango. Clubberings by Molly, whipping Christy into the HEEL corner. Trish holds Christy, Molly looking for the handspring elbow (which Christy couldn’t learn in a million years though even frickin’ Chyna could) but she hits Trish and gets rolled up to end her career. I’ll miss you, Molly. Maybe not as much as Sofa, certainly not as much as TCF’s quasi-psycho overlord, but I’ll miss you. Trish tries to attaxor, but is immediately tossed by Christy which is just that little bit more awful. LITA’S HUSBAND AND THE ONLY GUY SHE AIN’T BANGIN’ now appears, through Hellfire. Oh, and brimstone. Trish runs in terror because she’s one of five people in the WWE who follows storylines for entire months at a time. And, in fact, he is here to try and murder her, as he chases her out through the crowd! Kane, you lovable, woman-crippling babyface! Or…heel. Wait, he’s a babyface, isn’t he? They could make him an impish rascal of a babyface by having him play a guessing game with other rasslers where he tries to guess what kind of emergency vehicle they’re thinking of.
Coming up, oh shit, Randy Orton stuff.
Commercials. Rims startin’ at EIGHT NINETY NIIIIIIINE! Also, The Lance Krall Show. It would be a shame if that was secretly not awful and we never gave it a chance. But I don’t see that happening.
I AM SENDING A MESSAGE TO THE UNDERTAKER IN THE FORM OF MY MEDICAL BILLS is just another sad, unfunny Orton nickname. It could have been so much better. We see this montage of Orton’s shoulder surgery, framing it so it’s Batista’s fault and Orton looks like an innocent victim out for babyface revenge. Just give the fuck up.
Now, oddly, THE PIECE OF SHIT NON-WRESTLER BIMBO WHO STARTED IT ALL undermines the whole segment by reminding us that Randy is a heel who got what he deserved. IF ONLY I HAD WON THE DIVA SEARCH I’D HAVE A JOB titters about how much she wants to sex Batista. Then AM I GONNA GET IN TROUBLE FOR KNOWING HOW TO WRESTLE? is chased into the lockerroom by HEY, I NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO WRESTLE. Kane. A bit of a stretch, I admit. Kane is distracted by the rest of the screaming idiots, but eventually remembers Trish is still running.
A MOXIE is backstage, and is about to interview “a devout warrior.” OMG, is Kenzo coming to RAW!? Nah, he’s more likely to join Rhyno and the gang in the unemployment line, as Coach is preparing to interview I HAVE NOT BEEN PINNED, MADE TO SUBMIT, OR LEG-DROPPED (w/*INCOHERANT SCREAMING*.) Hassan thinks HBK should go home and watch “some unfunny American sitcom!” NO, NO I SAY! He calls out sitcoms unfunny? THIS WILL NOT STAND!
Commercials. Oh, so the random people on the street who tell me I’m doomed to painful death are pimping Doom^3? Man, I’m glad I sorted that out. Also, “Kung Fu Hustle” is a “genre-defying spectacle.” Yeah, because there’s never been any martial arts comedies made in China before. Christ, sometimes, American ignorance of the East makes me sick. And I think Sailor Moon is good.
Oh, great. HURF HURF HURF is, according to JR, “the Game himself King Triple H!” The “King” wasn’t meant to be part of Trip’s name, I don’t think. Lawler doesn’t think people with anti-HHH signs should be allowed into the arena. He also says Triple H is responsible for RAW being the best rated show evar in some weird way. Trips says Dave is on “borrowed time.” Yeah, yeah, we know. “You were awesome at Wrestlemania, you, Batista, were on fire!” Triple H says he has watched tapes of Dave over and over. In bed. He stared into Dave’s eye. AND HE SAW THE DEMON! THE DEMON, IS FEAR BRUTHA! HOO HOO HOO HOO! Talk about the Roadkill Tour Hunter. Come on. No, he goes into how Dave fears the Pedigree, the most unstoppable move in the history of boring bullshit. Now, for whatever reason, STAND BACK, THERE’S A SUICIDAL DORK COMING THROUGH interrupts. King: “I’m certain that the Game was not finished talking!” JR: “I’d agree!” Hurricane wants to know wuzzupwit Triple H getting murdered by Dave. Triple H: “Listen up Green Tomato, I haven’t got the time, or the patience for…” Hurricane: “Green Tomato? *FAKE LAUGH*” I want to like this, but he’s so fucking dead. Hurricane reminds us that Triple H murdered him and Rosey. “In the words of my good friend The Thing, ‘it’s clobberin’ time!’” Trips invites him to come and attempt to break off a piece of somethin’ proper like, and Hurricane starts down to the ring, but then heelishly summons HUNGRY FOR JOBBING, AND PANCAKES to help out with a double-team! I think armies of jobbers should beat up Triple H every week. Hurricane and Rosey clubber Trips down and stomp him in the corner. Double-whip, and Hurricane gets a leg lariat. Rosey scores with a Fatvalanche. Double clothesline to the floor! Trips…has a microphone, of course. Trips wants a sanctioned match, because that way, it’s impossible for him to lose. Trips grabs some crew guy, pitches him off his chair into the time-keeper’s table, and grabs the chair. And now, haha, not knowing he’s on camera, the guy completely no-sells and scurries to put his headset back on. Earl Hebner takes away Trips’ chair. YOU SCREWED TRIPS! Hurricane with a superkick or whatever. Rosey punches away at Trips as we go to break.
Commercials. Goku vs Vegeta was probably the best big DBZ showdown, which makes it a shame their were like seven or eight lengthier, shitty showdowns. Three or four with Buu alone.
We’re back, and Trips is in control of Hurricane. Of course. Rosey is on the apron, fatting. A replay shows Hurricane getting a flying forearm, though only because Trips was running away from Rosey. Hurricane runs around like a spazz and gets spinebustered. Shades of Arn Anderson and…I dunno, Ricky Morton. Triple H punches. Slowly and boringly. Hurricane whipped into another corner, but Trips charges into an elbow. Hurricane with a race (pasty Caucasian) for the tag, but Trips cuts him off. Trips sends him into the ropes, and gets headscissored. Hurricane with the tag to Rosey, who punches and shit. Bodyslam. Corkscrew legdrop. Fat punches. Clothesline in the corner. Running Stinkface! Shades of Running Rikishi. Rosey slams Trips down into position for a second-rope legdrop by Hurricane. Hurricane is apparently legal now, and I wouldn’t expect this to go much longer. Hurricane covers for 2. Hurricane goes up top, but Trips crotches him. Hurricane, to his credit, sells it in a ludicrously over-the-top fashion. JR: “That changes the shade of green!” What? Trips chokes in the corner. Rosey protests fatly, but Trips knocks him off the apron…in such a way that he’s tied in the ropes. D’oh. Pedigree, because Hurricane instinctively wanders into those, and Trips wins. Trips stops to give Rosey some beatings before he goes. The fans tell Triple H that he sucks. OH FUCK, Trips has a microphone AGAIN. Triple H tells Batista that with one Pedigree, this (Hurricane’s corpse) will be Batista. The Pedigree surgically removes all of your muscle and coats you in green spandex. Then he Pedigrees Rosey on the outside. Right into that devastating padding. Triple H poses. Then he makes goofy noises.
Commercials. They run that esuvee.com ad like twice in one break. Ugh.
The WWE went to Australia. Insert your own Nathan Jones joke here. Those fans with the “Fozzy Fozzy Fozzy, Oi Oi Oi” sign don’t really like Fozzy, do they? Val Venis is huge in Australia. They think he’s Austin.
Now WOLVERINES ARE ANIMALS hang around backstage all buddy-buddy. Why the fuck are Batista and Benoit supposed to be friends? They talk about…we don’t get to hear what they’re talking about. They’re just kind of flexing shirtless and patting each other. O…k.
Jesus Christ, whatever that segment was is interrupted by the theme music of UNCLE PHIL WILL BE YOUR WARRIOR! That’s Chris Masters, the Masterpiece. Duh. When I made fun of you because Molly Holly used a full nelson, that was not an invitation for you to get off of Heat. Lawler: “I just had to stop talking when I saw this Chris Masters come out here!” Maybe he’s not so bad after all. Why is this guy getting Christian’s Ultimate Entrance Pyro? JR introduces clips of Masters beating jobbers. Hey, I finally get to hear what Todd Grisham sounds like! Just kidding, I’ve heard him before. “The self-proclaimed Masterlock.” Wow. Hey, guy in a Sting mask. JR says he hurt Steven Richards (Chris Masters, not JR or the guy in a Sting mask,) “breaking his eye, or, breaking his nose!” The fans chant “boring” before Masters can do anything. Masters bounces around, does arm-wringers, throws the jobber down, etc. Crap, the jobber is actually named SID SKYFIRE. If it weren’t for his having a first name, I’d say he was Starfire and Blackfire’s brother. Be careful, brother! Do not let The Masterpiece give you the broken face! Haha, she really could call him “The Masterpiece” too. Masters dumps our Tamaranian pal across the top turnbuckle, and kicks him. More kicking. He works stiff. What an ass. He biels the jobber across the ring and poses. Skyfire fights back with kicks. Should have tried Starbolts. Or Skybolts, I guess. Blackfire’s blasts aren’t Blackbolts, are they? Sid hops up top (always a bad idea if you’re named Sid) and floats out for THE STUPID. Four out of five Titans would call that move STUPID, but you know who would call it THE STUPID. I am amusing only myself, and yet, I am probably enjoying this Chris Masters match more than anyone else on Earth. Anyway, Skyfire hopped right into the Polock Hammer. Masterlock. Our jobber friend is too choked out to continue. Lawler makes jokes about “old masters and young mistresses.” Oh joy, Masters is going to talk. He talks like a big, muscle-brained jerk. I don’t know why, but I want to laugh aloud when he struggles through the term “open challenge.” This is like watching Lex Luger struggle to form coherent sentences. Like 25 TO LIFE HAHAHAHAHA. Guy’s got enough trouble without me crackin’ wise. HOLY SHIT, Masters promises to put ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS of his “own personal money” on the line next week if anyone can escape his Masterlock. You had better mean next week on Heat, Mr. Thousand Dollar Man. Poor people have a price, for the Thousand Dollar Man! And now the cable cuts out briefly. Overwhelmed by the excitement of some Heat goof putting ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS ON THE LINE! I’m surprised he was able to hold Skyfire, actually. I guess it’s only Tamarian chicks who are stronger than they look.
Last week, Arabs beat up Born Agains. Lawler struggles with a really weak analogy about animals. Normally he’s good at barnyard analogies.
Commercials. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME! They’re doing another Diva Search!? How fucking bad did the last one have to go before they’d realize their mistake? They’re even putting up another $250,000. You’d have to break out of 250 Masterlocks to make that!
I hope Cleopatra is in the new Diva Search. Steven Richards can dig out his pith helmet he may or may not have had when he discovered The Tazmaniac. Then he can discover Cleopatra as a mummy and put her back in “tip top form.”
QUEERING DON’T MAKE THE WORLD WORK is out for his much anticipated match with Muhammad Hassan. Angle won’t be doing a run-in this time, Muhammad. Wait, why is I SPIT ON “FRIENDS” HOCH-PTOOEY out on his own? HOLY SHIT, he says HBK can’t wrestle Hassan unless he beats MAGIC CARPET SPLASH COMING UP, BITCHFACE. Yes, Daivari is going to wrestle Michaels instead of Muhammad. Wasn’t I just saying last week that he’s apparently the worst wrestler ever? Well dig this. Ok, so, we all remember when Tiger Ali-Singh showed up riding his Daddy’s coattails (as far as insider caring about him went) and ripping off Ted Dibiase even more blatantly than JBL did at first, right? Well, I figured Daivari was him because all them ragheads look the same to me. But then it occurred to me that Ali-Singh had this little Virgiloid named “Babu” or some shit. Like, this guy in a Gunga Din outfit that could actually bump pretty well. I’m almost sure that Khosrow is the same guy as Sheik Shawn, but I never saw him so bleh. Khosrow talks some Farci smack on his way to the ring. He’s dressed in tights and Arabic headdress, natch. Lawler: “This is gonna be like coupon day at the Piggly Wiggly!” I actually know what he’s talking about. Sad. Shawn chases Daivari around outside the ring, but Daivari stomps away when Shawn slides in behind him. Shawn…ignores him and clotheslines him down. Chops by HBK. Daivari whipped into the ropes, back body dropped! Hassan on the apron, Michaels goes over and chokes him, and…Daivari runs over and launches himself over the ropes to the outside, grabbing HBK by the back of the head and hot-shotting HBK into the middle of the ring as he does so. Fuck yeah, Daivai just showed me more than Hassan has in every match he’s had so far. Daivari back in with the Benoit ground-based Starman chop. Chokery by Daivari. Daivari with a neckbreaker. HE’S GOING UP! Top-rope legdrop! Nice, but it wasn’t the Magic Carpet Splash. It gets 2. The MCS would have gotten 3. Daivari goes for the Hashshashin Chokeout, but Michaels uses Christian Powar to fight out. Chops are exchanged, and HBK quickly takes over. HBK gets the flying burrito, a nip-up, and an inverted atomic drop. Scoop slam by HBK (it’s over!) and HBK goes up. Hassan grabs his leg from the apron, but HBK hops down and throws Hassan into the ring. Daivari sneaks out as HBK pounds and grounds Hassan. Daivari is in with the bell, but the ref sees him and takes it away. But while the ref is disposing of the bell, Hassan kicks HBK down low in his born-again wiener! Daivari covers…for 3! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome. HBK tries to rise-up like he do, but he’s too pissed. And his penis hurts too much. Daivari screams. A lot.
Commercials. That may have just saved this shitty show in a big way right there.
HE HURT ME, DICK! is supposed to be a pun on “He hurt me, Doc!” But who the fuck remembers that? And since when was HBK Irish or Scottish or whatever makes you say “me” instead of “my?” Anyway, he yells at SOFA DIDN’T BUY MY EMBARASSING ACTION FIGURE that he wants a handicap match against Hassan and Daivari. Bischoff says he can’t book a handicap match in good conscious because handicap matches too dangerous, even thought TRIPLE H WON A HANDICAP MATCH EARLIER TONIGHT! Shawn is pissed, but Eric demands he get a tag partner if he wants a match at Backlash.
Our Something of the Night is Shelton knocking Jericho off the ladder at Mania.
JIBBER JABBER, LITTLE SHEEP BOYS is out to host the Highlight Reel. Lawler lost a jewel on his Burger King crown or something. I’d help him search the floor, but he might try to force me (as a crusty old fan) to kiss his foot. Jericho says he was very happy with how the Monkey in the Bank match went (YOU LOST) but it would have been even better if he had won (oh har-har.) Jericho says he’s been a big jobber for the last few months (try YEARS AHAHAHA) and he blames it on losing the Intercontinental Title to Shelton at Taboo Tuesday. He therefore introduces his guest, RED EYES BLACK DRAGON. Lawler is still shocked that Shelton (whom he hates) upset Jericho (whom he hates) last year. Jericho says he wants redemption. STOP USING THE WORD REDEMPTION TO MEAN REVENGE! Shelton does the “world’s smallest violin” thing. With Charlie Haas and his world’s smallest oboe, they have the beginnings of the World’s Smallest Orchestra. Then they can recruit Triple H, with the World’s Smallest Skinflute. Shelton points out that he beat Jericho last week. To heel heat. Jericho disses Shelton for having held the belt for six months instead of for a billion years over a jillion reigns like Jericho has. Jericho says he “made” the Intercontinental Championship. Um, excuse me, what about Honky Tonk Man? Shelton says Chris has rolled the dice and crapped out enough. He can do things in the ring that nobody else can do. Jericho wants to know if he can take the title and shove it up his own ass. Shelton: “No, but I can take this fist and create more hits than the last Fozzie album.” OH NO YOU DINNAT. Jericho: “Well Shelton, have you heard Fozzie’s new single? It’s called ‘Shelton Benjamin is a Little Bitch!’” Wow. If that Droz crawling up the building was going to see Shelton Benjamin taking it up the ass on the roof, I’m glad we never saw the top seekrit ending. Jericho wants to know what Shelton’s gonna do. “Ain’t no stoppin’ you now!” Haha. Shelton pitches furniture, and now they’re rolling around trading punches. Well, these two stopped being friends in a hurry. Hey, this has got to be better than Shelton vs Snitski.
Commercials. With two Play At Home controllers, you and a friend can play one single ancient fighter that was shitty to begin with!
Smackdown Rebound. I hate you, John Cena. Carlito’s Cabana better be pretty fucking awesome. Hey, TripleB witnessed history, come to think of it. If they didn’t ban Carlito’s Cabana. Oh, yeah, the SD Rebound. It’s Eddie screwing Rey over with little cause.
THE BIG PASTY MACHINE is backstage, and he finds DROZ IF DROZ WERE A WHORE. They reveal that Lita and Kane are in cahoots to scare Trish. Then they make out. So gross. Lawler thinks Ross’ glasses have steamed up. Vomit can be pretty steamy.
HAHAHA YOU LOST TO DAIVARI HAHAHAHA WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW comes out. Man, I’m a little weird tonight. HBK brags about how his Dad and Brother and Nephew volunteered to fight in wars for this country while he was ripping off mirrored chaps to make fat women scream. HBK wants to ask someone who loves America as much as he does to be his partner at Backlash. OMG HE’S ASKING KENZO SUZUKI! Oh, wait, it’s Hogan. Quit teasing me with Kenzo. Ok, so you didn’t want a partner, so now you’re calling out the biggest name in wrestling history. Whatthefuckever. My money is on the Arabs. Fo sho. HBK gets the crowd to chant “one more match.” Shut the fuck up. They’ve tricked you into chanting that every six months for years.
Mr. Money in the Bank walks about.
Commercials. Why do they keep showing Ivory in the Viva Las Divas ad? That is Ivory riding around on an ATV spazzing out, isn’t it? I can’t picture Christy operating heavy machinery without killing herself. Yes, Ivory seems more competent.
Our Jungle Beatdown is Edge losing to Benoit but then killing him anyway.
ONE-ARMED BANDIT is here. Someone has a sign that says “World’s Biggest Benoit Fan.” I’m sure the world’s biggest Benoit fan is fatter than you, vaguely normal guy. Benoit is set to face I AM SADDENED BY THE FIRING OF JESUS (w/UM, BOSS, YOU WANT I SHOULD CHECK ON TRISH?) And the loveable neighbors from the north keep coming as MR. SUNNY WAS A SKANK joins us on commentary. HUGE, multi-part “PEEPS! PEEPS!” sign that takes up like a whole frickin’ row. Benoit stares at Benoit, and gets Pearl Harbored. Christian begins working the arm immediately. Edge says the cowboy hat cuts off JR’s circulation as Benoit casually overpowers Christian with chops. Benoit whips him into the corner, shakes the pain from his arm, and armdrags Christian on the rebound. Benoit sends Christian into the ropes and catches him with a knee. Edge: “I’ve been screwed constantly in this company!” Heh heh heh. Benoit pulls Christian up for more beatings, but Christian gets a kick to the ribs. Stalking Benoit, but he wanders into a chop. Christian kicks the ribs again, and gets a hammerlock to take over. Benoit elbows his way out. Christian catches a kick, and gets enzoogweereed. Benoit with more chops in the corner. Edge is the “King of Crunchtime.” Christian grabs Benoit by the tights and pitches him through the middle ropes to the floor. Christian sends Benoit back in as Edge brags about being undefeated at Wrestlemania. Christian with stomping and standing on Benoit and stuff. “CLB” chant? Christian tries to chop Benoit, who of course reverses. Benoit sends Christian to the corner. Benoit charges after him, Christian gets the boots up, but Benoit slides outside, grabs his legs, and prepares to crotch him against the ringpost! Tomko won’t let his boyfriend be done over like that, and Benoit takes a second to jaw with him. Benoit…turns back to Christian in time to cut off his cheap-shot and stay on offense. Christian tries to escape over the railing, but Benoit pitches him into the ring. Benoit rolls in after him, but Christian is up and stomping away. “Christian sucks” chant as Lawler, oddly, chooses to tattle to Edge that JR denies the existence of Christian’s peeps. Christian with a hammerlock slam for 2. CHRISTIAN ARMBAR! It’s what one of the armbars in the SD games is called for some bizarre reason. JR accuses Edge of “turning on the fans,” which is ripe territory for Edge’s OMG HEEL character. He talks about how he was screwed at Taboo Tuesday by the fans and could have been champ. JR: “If, if, if your aunt was more amply endowed, she’d have been your uncle.” WHAT!? JR busts out the “Benoit is lying through his tooth” line again. He’s missing one tooth, idiot. Benoit finally gets out of the armbar. Christian hits the ropes, Benoit catches his arm and tries for the Crossface, but Christian rolls free. Christian ends up on the apron, and Benoit shoulderblocks him into the security railing! Let’s take a break.
Commercials. Let us travel back to ancient times with this Cena raps about YJStiner ad.
We’re back, and Christian has another kind of armbar on. You know, you’d almost think Edge has some connection with Christian and wants him to win. Benoit starts fighting out of the armbar. Edge mentions that Ross is interviewing Batista later, and has a question that he wants JR to “reiterate to Dave.” He wants to know how Dave feels about being hunted. Benoit punches free and backs Christian into a corner. Whipping Christian across the ring, but Benoit charges into a boot. Christian gets on the apron and hot-shots Benoit’s arm across the ropes. Christian rips the tape off of Benoit’s arm like a complete asshole. Christian fiddles with a turnbuckle, basically as an excuse for a cheesy spot where Benoit cradles him for a million years but the ref misses it while repairing the turnbuckle. Christian kicks Benoit and gets a single-arm DDT. JR bemoans the additional damage to Benoit. Edge: “Cry some more tears for Chris Benoit, JR.” JR: “At least Christian is doing it with wrestling holds, and not a steel chair.” Zing. Edge: “Oh, like I didn’t last week!? If I remember correctly, I also used that move, to BREAK the Crossface last week!” Oops. Christian chokes Benoit in the ropes. Tomko sneaks in a cheapshot. Christian signals the Peeps. Christian sends Benoit into the ropes as JR accuses Lawler of being “an Edge-Head.” Edge threatens to beat the Hell out of JR as Lawler titters. Benoit chops a bit, but Christian gets a double-leg takedown and covers for 2. Christian slaps on another hammerlock as Edge and Lawler compare notes on JR’s favoritism. Edge: “STONE COLD! STONE COLD!” Damn it, it’s be way easier to support you if you’d stop getting Matt Hardys fired. Christian…HA, BITING BENOIT’S FINGERS. The ref catches him and makes him break. Benoit gets a German suplex out of nowhere! He starts trying to shake some life back into the arm. Both men slow to rise, but Christian gets an armbar takedown and holds onto an armbar. Edge, mocking JR: “THE PUGNACIOUS WOLVERINE!” Benoit gets to his feet, punches out of the armbar, and hits the ropes. Ducking a clothesline, ducking a back elbow, both men collide! Edge: “EDGE IS A REALIST!” Sorry, it was funny how he blurted that out in the middle of an exchange. Edge bitches about how everyone wants to talk about HBK/Angle instead of his winning the Monkey Magic Match. The guys in the ring exchange blows for a bit, with Benoit eventually taking over. Kick to the gut, and a snap suplex for 2. Christian tries for his inverted DDT, but Benoit spins around and turns it into a Northern Lights for 2. Both men slow to rise, Christian up first, but Benoit counters whatever into a Sharpshooter attempt! Christian gets to the ropes, so Benoit simply yanks him into the center of the ring and slaps it on! Christian gets the ropes anyway. Benoit ducks a right and gets Rolling Germans! All three connect, and Benoit would be really smart not to go up for Air Georgia. Benoit goes up for Air Georgia, even stopping to kick Tomko away, but Christian rolls clear. Lawler: “Stupidity should be punished!” Edge: “It should. It just was.” Naptime, and Christian is up first. He tries the Unprettier, but Benoit turns it into the Crossface! Tomko in, Benoit breaks, and clotheslines Tomko out of the ring! Edge (who has abandoned the commentary position) has a chair, but Benoit dropkicks it into his face! Benoit watching Edge, Christian sneaks in with the Unprettier…IT HITS! FOR 3! CHRISTIAN WINS WITH THE UNPRETTIER! Mark your calendars. Damn. First Daivari, now Christian, and WITH THE UNPRETTIER! Edge and Benoit have a staredown, but CHRISTIAN’S MUSIC IS PLAYING. All is well in the world.
Up next, Main Event Interview.
Commercials. How many failed series does Pamela Anderson get?
IF YOUR AUNT WAS MORE AMPLY ENDOWED, SHE’D BE YOUR UNCLE is in the ring, ready to interview A MULTICELLED ORGANISM THAT CONSUMES OTHER LIVING THINGS TO SURVIVE. Lawler is amazed the people cheer for so long. It’s because his theme is still playing. JR asks why Dave is dressed to compete. Well, he has been for the whole show. Dave says Trips said he wanted some, so he’s ready, if Trips wants to come get some. JR asks Batista if he’s cool with being hunted. Dave talks about the law of the jungle, and being a predator at the top of the food chain. There are no collection boxes on the Serengeti. Dave: “Triple H, if you’re looking in my eyes and seeing fear, I think you’re just lookin’ at your own refrec, reflection in the mirror.” No, uh, not unless your eyes are in a mirror. Batista poses briefly with the belt, but here comes HEM HAW HURK. Well, it’s his music, but Trips attacks from the crowd. Trips tries to set up the Pedigree, but Batista backdrops him right to the floor. Play his music! HE IS THE WINNER OF THIS INTERVIEW! JR raises Batista’s hand to make it official. Fuck, Hunter has a mic. Triple H has had it with a certain sonofabitch in the ring. Next week, in Madison Square Garden, he is going to shut someone’s mouth once and for all. Next week, one on one, Triple H vs…JR. To coin a phrase, fucking stupid.
Final Thoughts: Finishing these things late late late on Wednesday makes a worthwhile final thought impossible. But here’s some thoughts that aren’t worthwhile. Smackdown taught me that you can’t expect to get more good than crap. I mean, that show has the Undertaker regularly. So when Daivari beats HBK and Christian gets a win with the Unprettier (which was even called correctly,) you gotta be happy. When something that would have single-handedly saved a Velocity crops up, like a jobber whose name kinda sounds like Starfire, that’s just gravy. Icing on the cake. Monkey in the bank.
