Things are getting back to normal. I’m rebeaking RAW. I need to be careful. My last RAWbeak created a storm of controversy as I joked about WV’s own pretend Bashams and their steamy e-mail affair. One of them is so angry at Gail Kim right now. I’m not sure which one.
I have a sneaking suspicion that EvilJon really does know why he woke up feeling like shit and puking. I can usually tell why when that happens to me.
MARCH MADNESS HOOO YEAH: I don’t know why I waited until days after it ended to notice it, but I just read Scott Christ’s TNM 7 Whatever Cup. Fucking hilarious. Screw the Al Snow Cup, this was glorious. All fictional cups should feature someone desperate to see HBK lose all the way.
STAR TREK: So far, the fan-selected best Enterprise episodes have all been pretty good. As long as something fucking awful like Big Show the slave-trader doesn’t end up #1.
SAILOR MOON: The episode where Chad tries to leave the temple is fraught with peril in the dub. Lots of things are fraught with peril for me. Ok, so, Amara (untransformed Sailor Uranus) looks rather mannish and when the girls first meet her, they think she’s a man. This is true in the Jap version, and is retained in the dub. Many episodes later when Chad first sees Amara, she’s laughing and joking with Raye. I’m 99% sure in the Jap version he thinks Amara is a man and that Raye is dating him, but in the dub, some incredibly awkward dialogue tries to cover that up. Chad thus ends up picking a fight with a known-woman (which is totally out of character for the good-hearted incompetent) instead of wackily going after a woman he thinks is a man and still managing to lose (which is totally in-character.) This is after Cloverway took over from Dic and gave all the new characters their Jappy names to appease purists (even forgetting that Amy had an American last name previously in the dub and going back to calling her Amy Mizuno) which makes it that much worse. Sure, stick real close on the names to be true to the original work, but go ahead and randomly change character and story elements. Fuckers.
I’m sure that bored the crap out of you. Sorry. You should know better than to read that section by now. There will be no Rey Misterio nickname for me to set-up.
WRESTLEMANIA: If I’d picked Edge like everyone else, I would have…tied for first. Check it out, EvilJon’s rebeak doesn’t tell you who won half the matches. That’s not meant as a knock on EvilJon, but it does speak volumes about how little we at the WV cared about most of those feuds. The biggest and pleasantest surprise for me was Angle making HBK tap. That would have been sweet to see. Mideo and I had a brief debate over whether the coolness of Carlito interrupting Piper and Austin could make up for the inevitability of his beat-down. Then we got bored with the world and each other.
Oh, yeah, I got bored and I checked our Mania picks against Online Onslaught. Well, against Scaia and Cubs. EJ kicked everybody’s butts (not bad for someone who only watches one show.) Sofa, Scaia and myself tied. We’d have beaten him if not for his supernatural faith in Trish Stratus. As for Cubs, well, you beat Mideon! And possibly Boobermonkeys. He beat both Bashams. Let’s start calling him Jindrak.
THE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY: I taped it, but, having read a bit about it, fuck it. I’m not rebeaking that. It wasn’t in any way framed as being an episode of Velocity.
All right, enough. As another rebeaker said, “this isn’t my goddamned blog.” And he’d done nowhere near the blathering I do each week.
Bischoff’s head. It belongs on a scepter.
We open with…a new Wrestlemania Goes Hollywood parody trailer? Gladiator parody…randomly cuts to a montage of Mania, complete with melodramatic rock. Does Vince McMahon own Creed? I don’t even know if it’s Creed. Trish wore the modified business outfit. I disapprove of this shot of JBL’s panties from below. Back to Gladiator, and the dude removes the helmet and reveals that he’s Austin. Well, no wonder they didn’t use that one. Back to the montage. Eddie vs Rey gets two seconds. Oh shit, we’re all partners in standing in crime line again. Shelton, just from like two shots, was apparently a fucking maniac in the Monkey Magic Shodown. Trish won. Yes. Hulk kills Arabs. No legdrop. No posing with Eugene. The song gets to “talk about the old time” when Taker is on screen, haha. What the fuck was HBK wearing? Motherfuckers don’t show Hickenbottom tapping. CARLITO SPEAKS! I think they showed the Sumo Match in it’s flabby, disgusting entirety. Wow, JBL/Cena, in montage form, is pretty much Kenzo/Cena in realtime. Cena celebrates with Japs. Don’t let him touch your girlfriend, Sofa. They love Cena over there. Batista dances his little heart out. Holy shit, Triple H ripped the epidermis off his face!
And we open the Batista Era with TIME TO STICH MY FACE BACK ON. You know, I was thinking about how to book the first RAW after Mania this afternoon, and I had this pet theory that Trips would just disappear for a bit so as to be hot when he returns. To just vanish without a trace, and maybe in like a month, he’d show up out of the crowd and just shred Dave with a hammer. The week after that, he’d talk for twenty minutes. But no. Fan signs talk not only about “Game Over,” but also something about “Insert Coin” which is a little disturbing. Triple H got to the ring a little quicker than usual, it seems, but he soaks up the jeers. Trips: “I admit it. Last night at Wrestlemania, I lost the World Heavyweight Championship.” You mean you’re not going to doctor the tape? Triple H: “BATISTA WAS GREAT, ONE NIGHT! ONE NIGHT! IN THIS RING, WRESTLEMANIA 21, THE BIGGEST STAGE OF ALL TIME, BATISTA WAS AWESOME!” So gay. Triple H: “I AM GREAT EVERY NIGHT!” Stop it. Triple H says the belt will come back to him because he owns it. Sigh. He’s right, you know. “Batista was good once. I own the World Heavyweight Championship! And the rematch clause is rock-solid!” In bed. Triple H, after promising again to regain the title: “I can promise you this, when I do, I will come back here, and I will jam that championship belt down each and every one of your throats!” He’s yelling right in the face of some fan. Well, look at it this way, we can’t be surprised when it happens now. Because I totally would have been. Haha, some fatty with a sign spazzes out when he notices he’s on camera.
Commercials. I don’t care about the UFC. The outfits aren’t garish enough.
Our Donkey Kong Monkey Magic Suplex of the Night is Shelton Explodering Edge off the ladder. Why is it the Donkey Kong Jungle Beat replays always involve either Booker or Shelton? I’d swear they do. Am I only noticing the ones that come out hilariously racist?
WATCH OUT FOR MY EXPLODERING BARRELS MARIO is out first because tradition blows. This is a 3-way for the IC Title. They mentioned it earlier but I didn’t bother to mention them mentioning it. And it’s not the Incontinent Title, so don’t expect to see Ric Flair. You know, the universally-respected wrestling legend. Who has to stay close to the can at all times. Out next is MY LARGEST CHURCH IS CURRENTLY WITHOUT A LEADER (w/I WILL KICK CARDINALS UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED) with his incredibly goofy hoodie. It’s made up of little golden diamonds. Has it always been like that? Last but not least is I AM A FLAN WHO LIKES WHEN MILK SEEPS. JR says Shelton beat Jericho for the IC title (a few weeks ago.) Shelton has held it for longer than that, hasn’t he? Maybe the Snitsky feud is warping my sense of time-passage. Lawler: “Oh the three, I think Captain Charisma looks to be in the best shape.” JR: “Gosh I’m surprised you said that.” Whoa, a little snarky there, eh JR? It’s really amazing that King is so insanely pro-Christian, and yet we all hate him. Jericho sucker-punches Christian to start. Christian sent to the ropes for a back elbow from Jericho. Now Shelton pulls Christian up, sends him to the ropes, and clotheslines him. Jericho pulls Christian up for a backsuplex, and they’re one-upping each other. It’s a “Kick the Crap Out of Christian” contest. Now they shove each other out of the way of some corner attacks, and Jericho eventually punches Shelton. Big clothesline on Shelton by Jericho. Christian slides outside and goes into Repo Man mode. Dropkick by Jericho. Kneelift. Jericho sends Shelton into the ropes, but gets crossbodied for 2. Jericho comes back with chops. He sends Shelton into the corner, and bulldogs him on the rebound. Looking, eventually, for the Lionsault, but Christian hits him from the floor when he hits the ropes. Christian in, chucking Jericho to Tomko, who…does nothing. Shelton snags a backbreaker (JR: “inverted backbreaker”) on Christian. Shelton sends Christian to the ropes…back body drop. Christian goes to the eyes, then…hot-shots the back of Shelton’s neck across the ropes. Stomps. Neckbreaker…and he stopped to pose, almost a Rude Awakening, by Christian. Jericho on the apron, but Christian knees him to the floor. Christian gives the Peepulation his love. Backbreaker by Christian, and a cover for 2. Ninja chokeout by Christian. JR says if you’ve ever been in a car accident, you know how these men feel after last night. So…I know how these men feel after last night. Possibly. I was pissed when that lady rear-ended me, but I was fucking terrified when I skidded off the interstate that one winter. So…ladder matches fill you with angry fear. Shelton fights out of the Ninja chokeout and sends Christian to the corner. He runs right into a back elbow. Christian goes up, but Shelton cuts him off…superplex coming up? Jericho sneaks in under Shelton…Jericho powerbombs Shelton as Shelton superplexes Christian! So…why is Jericho devastated? He eventually covers Christian for 2, then Shelton for 2. Running forearm for Christian. Climb-up enzoogweeree for Christian. Shelton charges Jericho, but gets his head slammed to the mat in a move whose name I don’t know. It gets 2. Christian charges, and gets tossed. Jericho sends Shelton to the ropes, Papa Shangos, and gets sunset-flipped. Christian sneaks in and school boys Shelton! You should school young man him, Christian. It gets 2. JR: “Christian comes in the back door!” Jericho single-legs both men, and jackknife pins both men at once for 2! Christian and Shelton both clothesline him. Christian looking for a high-five, but Shelton kicks him right in the gut. Like Christian could be trusted. Jericho and Christian both end up in the corner. Stingar Splash, Christian moves but Jericho doesn’t. Christian charges, dumped into a big-time hot shot! Shelton covers, but Jericho breaks it up! Jericho’s corner whip reversed…Jericho hops up into the corner, and jumps back for…um…SOMETHING STUPID as Shelton catches him with the Exploder! Christian has the ref, and Tomko pulls Shelton out and…short clothesline the fuck out of him! Christian covers Jericho for 2.99999. Christian spazzes out, goes for…no, he’s small packaged for 2.9999! Christian wants the Unprettier, Jericho goes behind and tries a back-suplex, Christian flips-out of that, Jericho runs to the ropes, springboard dropkick for Tomko, who had hopped onto the apron. Christian charging in, double-leg take-down, and the Walls are applied! Christian fighting it, but he can’t get the ropes! Come on, Shelton? Where are you? Oh, there you are. He comes flying out of nowhere and bulldogs Jericho into oblivion! Cover for 3! Christ, it looked like he fucking dropped from the rafters and just drove Jericho’s face through the bottom of the ring. Fuck. A replay reveals it was just a really well-done top-rope springboard.
GRAND PORKY NAGUS talks to I SPENT THE MONEY IN THE BANK ON PENICILLIN. Shelton just won a Hell of a match (I’ll say) but it’s nothing on what Edge did last night. Lita. Sorry. Edge signs the contract. Edge says that he, Edge, is money in the bank. He doesn’t want Batista tonight. He’ll tell Bischoff when he’s ready. Which is fine, that was the stipulation, it’s not especially OMG HEELish no matter how angry you sound when you say it. For some reason, Bischoff gets pissy and makes him fight Benoit tonight. Little writing lapse there. I know I overanalyze, but if Shelton or Jericho or even Benoit just said word for word what Edge said there, they’d be “cool, confident, smart face who’s taking his time” instead of “cocky heel who’s making us wait.”
Commercials. Fuck you and Rusty, alright?
Assorted real sports happenings got me started late, so it’s 2 AM now and for whatever reason, I’m still forging ahead through the Randy Orton interview. EXACTLY AS SUCCESSFUL AS TITO SANTANA is here. It’s like a parade of losers. Is anyone who won a match at Mania going to get to talk tonight? Little kid’s sign: “THE LEGEND KILLEDU.” Yes, KILLEDU. KILLED was pink, and U was green for some reason. I also enjoy how several fans have signs indicating Taker’s record, but they can’t agree on how many wins he has. They never mention that year he didn’t wrestle. Orton: “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.” He sounds whiny, which I suppose he ought to. Randy claims his shoulder snapped when he went for the Tombstone. His left arm went numb. Is this a return to RNN Updates? Some people liked those. Me, not so much. Or maybe he’s going to start wearing a cast now. That would be real lame. Now Orton goes off on Batista. Orton respects Taker and Triple H, but not Batista. Batista isn’t nearly crusty enough to have Orton’s respect. He says when they were in Evolution, he and the guys made fun of Batista. I can see that. Deacon jokes. Fan sign: “The Animal Has Evolved!” Oh my! Orton reminds us that when he was a face, Batista was still playing Arn Anderson to Trips’ Ric and jobbing to whoever Trips had at the next payperview. Orton challenges Batista. AM I A FACE OR NOT!? comes out and picks on another heel, making him a face this week. Actually, it makes no sense because he gives Randy the match he wants, but acts like he’s hating on Randy when he does so. Then there’s a weird sound-effect, then there’s Randy’s music. For real.
Trish walks around. With her title belt. I called it.
Commercials. I lost interest in DBZ long ago, but Broly was actually a fun villain because he was the only guy who was, like, just clearly stronger than Goku. No one-on-one babyface triumph, Broly is just stronger than Goku. Period.
Oh shit, a Women’s Title rematch!? I’m scared. Out first is JOHN CENA’S MOTHER (w/EDGE’S BANK MONEY WILL BE HALF MINE WHEN I SQUEEZE OUT HIS HELLISH DROP.) It was either that Lita joke, or some reference to her brief role in the “Chad tries to leave” episode nobody would get. She wore a Chinese period dress and confronted Raye about her apparent narcolepsy. Not as interesting as I made it sound, which wasn’t very. Anyway, here comes the champ, I BELIEVED IN YOU, TRISH! I guess losing the title here still beats losing it at Wrestlemania. Her music plays, preceded by the laugh. Lawler: “You gotta love that little laugh.” Sofa hated that, didn’t he? Trish has this bizarre outfit with glittery suspenders on over her sports bra. We learn Trish asked for this title rematch. Cocky heel loses title, or does she have a pla…YES! She kicks Christy’s head off while still posing with the title. Now she does the “you can’t fight me, you’re a gimp” dance at Lita, hahaha! Trish smacks Lita. Lita fires away with punches, but Trish eventually kicks her leg out of her leg. Crazy-ass single leg Boston Crab! Toronto Crab! I guess! Actually, she’s using her knee and doing a totally different move. And freaking out as she does it, which is cool. The fans chant “Hardy,” and I don’t know if they’re being smarky or not. Trish takes her belt and poses for the fans. Nice.
Up next, Hulk beats up A-rabs.
Commercials. Two sheep-boys discuss Skittles. Stop gibber-jabbering or Chris Jericho will overhear and rape you.
Yeah, sheep-fucking joke. Seems like a good place to wrap up this session. I’ll be back tomorrow to watch Mr. America defend retards instead of cripples.
And…I’m back. “Big Time” available now. Check Mideon’s Amazon wish list.
We flash back to NOW FOR A VERY SPECIAL WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT. He…hops about and acts excited about Wrestlemania. He says like one thing (in this flashback, anyway) before KING TUT DROPPED US OFF OUT IN THE DESERT interrupt. They never tell us what Islamic country either of these guy’s ancestors come from, so Egypt is a possibility. And Egypt used to be huge. I guess. Anyway, the Arabs beat up Eugene until WWE HALL OF FAMER THE SAN DIEGO CHICKEN ON STEROIDS comes out. Adam Sandler applauds. Hulk goes for the ol’ double-noggin’ knocker (or modified Coconut Cyclone) and eventually big boots and tosses Muhammad. Davari sneaks up with a steel-chair, no-sell, “YOU,” and he gets big booted and tossed. No legdrop? Whassupwitdat? Meanwhile, in the Juuban district of Tokyo, Makoto celebrates with powerbombs.
JR: “We’ll hear from Shawn Michaels, after his show, stopping, performance!” Clever use of his nickname there, JR.
Commercials. I’m really growing to hate the chick from Elektra/Alias.
The following Wrestlemania Preview is too late for Wrestlemania. Also, Stone Cold sucks.
MR. WRESTLEMANIA LOSER limps out in his faggoty suit as the parade of Wrestlemania losers continues. Well, RAW gave us three big singles matches, so I guess this completes the set of guys who jobbed. I was happy to be wrong about that match, by the way. HBK asks the fans for a “teeny weeny.” Then he said “favor.” He wants the fans to demand a rematch so Angle can pay him back the job. But before Kurt can haxxor the stupidtron, ISLAMIC ORGASM plays over the PA system. I’m starting to become mark for this song, just because I like it when heels interrupt warm/fuzzy moments and act like total dicks. JR: “This man interrupts more special moments more than anybody you can name! It’s a total lack of disrespect!” JR you magnificent redneck! Davari starts with the stick, and calmly…well, he could be telling me to try to the veal for all I know. Words I recognize: Davari, Muhammad, Muhammad, Davari, Wrestlemania, Kurt Angle, *tap-out pantomime*, Muhammad, Napa/Nappa. Napa is a type of lettuce or a valley or something, and Nappa was a Saiyan. I can only assume Davari was predicting Angle vs Nappa, Battle of the Baldos at next years Wrestlemania. Hassan condemns us for cheering broken-down has-been Hulk Hogan. I can see that. Just don’t mention Flair. He also questions the fans on cheering HBK, who tapped out and lost to Angle. Amen. Er…Praise Allah. Hassan: “Each and every one of you embrace medioracrity!” Meteoracrity, maybe? He definitely didn’t say mediocrity. Hassan says the fans will continue to cheer for Michaels, because losers love losers. Hooch-ptooey. Michaels ATTAX, but he kips up on the bad leg and hurts it. Davari chop-blocks him. Apparently Davari is like the worst wrestler ever, which is a shame because as a goofjob heel he’s about a million times more compelling than Hassan. Muhammad Orton. Hassan briefly slaps on the Camel Clutch while Davari kicks HBK in the face. Gangland Camel Clutch. HBK is left laying. JR: “Shawn’s starting to stir a little. Damn it!”
Commercials. Spike ad: “If your nickname is ‘Big-Unit,’ pat yourself on the back.” Be holding a knife when you do it, plz.
Our Don’t Buy Lugz of the Week is Chutes and Ladders. Benoit was like an inch away when Edge killed him with a chair.
THANK GOD (ME) NO ONE RAISED THE BRIEFCASE has the briefcase with him. If he starts using that as a foreign object, that would be sooo old school. And…kinda stupid. ARMLESS AGRESSION is Benoit. Double A, woo! We see footage of Benoit’s arm being ripped-off at Mania. Those dudes totally copy everything from Benoit’s arm. Shit, he’s got some nasty-looking stitches over his right eye. Well, the stitches don’t look nasty, but…you know what I mean. Circling, Edge tries to get the bad arm, but Benoit throws him off. Go-behind by Edge, but Benoit elbows out as Edge tries to get a hammerlock. Have I mentioned that I love Benoit? Edge knows the arm is hurt, so logically we’re gonna see some extended Edge offense on the arm, but at least early on, Benoit is actively protecting the arm. Not just selling it, but trying to fight off any grip Edge gets on it. Anyway, Benoit chops the fuck out of Edge with the good arm. Benoit shakes it off, then knees Edge in the head. Edge put in the corner, and chopped away. Benoit stomps away as Lawler makes a valid point about Benoit wrestling hurt and having more guts than brains. Snap suplex by Benoit. He pounds away some more, but Edge finally sneaks in a shot to take over. Edge wants a single-arm DDT, but Benoit shoves him off into the ropes. But he instinctively takes him down with the double-arm chop. Benoit rolls out and shakes off the arm. Oh shit, he never rolls out. Haha, JR says the same thing. Edge follows, right into a chop. Benoit drives Edge into the security wall. Edge slides back in…into another chop. Benoit sends Edge to the ropes, and knees him right in the gut. Benoit goes back out to rest, but Edge follows…into a chop. JR and I both wonder if he’s luring Edge out. Benoit back in, into the ropes, baseball-slide kicks Edge into the fence! Benoit sells the arm during a replay of the baseball-slide kick. Benoit reaches out for Edge, who suckers him in and hot-shots Benoit’s bad arm (the left) across the ropes. Nice. Edge back in, and he immediately goes after the arm. He wrenches it and shit. Lawler says Benoit is crying like a baby, and JR goes off. The ref pulls Edge out of the corner, but Edge is right back on Benoit. Another armwringer. Keylock by Edge. This is like the first Flair/Savage title match, only…it’s the arm, and there’s no Mr. Perfect. And Edge’s finisher isn’t an arm-submission. Nevermind. Benoit scoops Edge up and slams him, but Edge never released the hold! He switches to a hammerlock. Benoit finally elbows out, and manages to get in position for a German! It connects, but he can’t hang on for Rolling Germans. He ducks a clothesline and snags another German, but his waistlock breaks. Luckily Edge is whacked goofy enough for a third, non-rolling German. Benoit looking for Air Georgia, which is stupid at this point. Edge moves, and Benoit kills his own arm. Edge covers for 2. Benoit rolling towards the apron, and Edge baseball-slide kicks Benoit to the floor. Benoit lands on the bad arm. Lawler thinks it’s over, so JR goes apeshit cheering for Benoit. He makes Gorilla Monsoon sound like…someone who didn’t openly root for faces. Er.
Commercials. Blorp. I liked in Scott Christ’s tournament how he thinks JBL would have to run up on his knees to do the Clothesline From Hell on Petey Williams.
During the break, Edge ripped the bandage off Benoit’s arm. Also, Benoit tried the Crawlspace but couldn’t stuff Edge in there. Meanwhile, LIVE, Edge has on this stupid-looking armbar where he’s squatting over Benoit. Benoit armdrags out. Both men slow to rise, and Edge kicks Benoit right in the arm. Edge goes up, Benoit rising too, and Benoit crotches Edge up top. Chops with the good arm, and Edge is about to fall off the top to the floor. Benoit goes up for the superplex, and Edge tries to headbutt his way out. No fucking way that works, as Benoit counters the headbutts by headbutting Edge into oblivion. Superplex, and everyone is dead. Both men up, Benoit clubbers and tries a German, but Edge elbows out. Benoit with a double-leg, into the Sharpshooter! Edge spazzes out, and slowly reaches…no, Benoit pulls him back to the middle of the ring! Edge keeps fighting, and eventually gets the ropes. JR thinks that was Benoit’s last chance. Edge with the set-up kick, but Benoit turns the Edge-U-Something into the Crossface! Edge slips out because Benoit can’t cinch it on as well as usual. Edge with a single-arm DDT. Looking for the Spear, Benoit sidesteps, roll-up, 1, 2, 3! Benoit wins with a roll-up! Benoit limps around on the outside. Edge can’t believe this shit, so he grabs Benoit from behind and fucking sends him shoulder-first into the stairs! Edge has a steel chair, he pushes the ref out of the way, and there’s a chairshot for the arm! Another! Ring the bell, that will stop him! Oddly, he does. JR: “I DON’T CARE KING! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! HE’S A SON OF A BITCH AND YOU KNOW IT!” JR wants Edge to take that fancy briefcase and stuff it up his ass. JR is psycho tonight. That, by the way, ruled. Edge: “How’s your arm feel, Chris?” You guys like Edge yet? Fuck.
Commercials. The Lance Krall Show. This Just In, it will be a failed Guy From Talk Soup Experiment.
DEANO MACHINO and WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT MAVEN? are introduced by Lillian “No Boldface Nickname” Garcia. Simon Dean starts talking about the beautiful physical specimen in the ring, but he doesn’t mean Lillian he means Maven hahaha! Anyway, generic Simon promo (with Maven throwing in that LA stands for “Lard Asses”) until Simon Dean insults people who drink beer. Simon: “I defy anyone to tell me other*SOUND OF GLASS BREAKING*”. ZAMBONIMAN interrupts. My how I haven’t missed him. However, Simon Dean and Maven are ideal for this kind of thing. JR: “This is a bigger ovation than the Lakers winning the NBA Title here!” Shut the fuck up. Dean looks concerned. Austin rattles off a list that the fans can say “what” to. Austin asks Dean how much he paid for his stupid haircut. “Cause if you paid five dollars for that haircut you paid 4.95 too much” ohohohoho. He insults Maven for being bald (which was a little cute.) Austin offers to try a protein shake if Dean tries a beer. Dean: “I don’t have a problem with beer, as long as it’s low-carb beer!” Oh God, that was beautiful. This is a variation on the discussion I had with Mideo the other evening when sometimes the heel sets themselves up for the beating so perfectly that you can’t help but get into it. Like when William Regal spent about five minutes telling us about the uses of the different dining utensils before Austin’s music hit. Dean: “And Mr. Rattlesnake, nothing goes better with a low-carb beer than a patented, delicious Simon shake.” Austin has some beers tossed towards them. Austin says Simon looks ugly, harhar. Simon: “Do you happen to have a glass?” God bless you, Simon. Simon carefully opens the beer, holds his nose, and drinks a tiny bit before spitting it out. Simon does push-ups to work off the calories, and now they’re pushing their luck. Austin keeps demanding more and more push-ups. Gay. Then he makes fun of how Simon talks. Ok, I take it back, the only two good parts were Simon, and Austin has totally overshadowed them now. Austin doesn’t like the shake. Maven pats Simon on the back, and thus accidentally knocks fitno-powder onto Austin. OH NO NOW HE WILL STUNNAR YOU YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE BEFORE. “You fucked up” chant? These fans are retarded. Austin beats up Simon for awhile, throwing him into the stairs and shit. Couldn’t you have just stunnared him? Maven wanders in and gets kicked in the nuts. Simon sent in, mudhole stomping (with the fans counting along until he goes semi-spastic,) beer spat on him, stunner. Now he throws the table, oh my. Maven gets a stunner. Maven sells it all crazily and flippity. I apologize for having briefly liked that. JR: “I’ll tell you what, there is nothing quite like the experience of the Texas Rattlesnake!” Gay. “He is undeniable!” Rapist.
Commercials. Sheep.
YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER wanders the red-lit halls, and is cornered by LITA’S HUSBAND, IF YOU’LL RECALL. Kane: “I told you so! You can’t beat what you don’t understand!” Orton: “You’re wrong Kane. You’re wrong. I do understand, and you’ll realize that, when I’m done with Batista.” Randy’s gonna no-sell everything and make zombie eyes. Kane laughs. What a jolly young man. JR: “That’s weird, I’ll tell ya.”
HEY, NOTHING I CAN SAY, WILL JUSTIFY MY SMACKBEAK NICKNAME FOR REY is out. The funny thing is “Usagi” rhymes with “me,” the actual word from the Orton song, but not “say,” the word “me” is meant to rhyme with. Fan sign: “RANDY KILLINGS OVER.” No more killing Randy. Too bad. Other fans can’t agree if it’s “RANDY RIP” or “RIP RANDY.”
Commercials. Usagi doesn’t sound right unless it’s stretched to like eighty syllables. Uuuuuusaaaaaagiiiiiiichaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
EVEN AS CHAMPION I DON’T GET TO TALK is out. Hurry up and kill Orton so I can watch brand new Joel eps of MST3K. Well, not “new,” exactly. Batista poses. Lockup, Batista sends Orton into the ropes and shoulderblocks him down. Orton begs off with a shoulder injury, then cheapshots him to take over. Randy gets Dave in the corner, but he can’t whip Dave out. Batista sends Orton into the corner and elbows him some. Clubber. Randy to the ropes, into a back elbow. JR: “Nothing fancy, nothing pretty about the offensive style of the animal known as Batista.” Dave wants a strolling powerslam or something, but Orton slips. Punches, and he dropkicks Dave over the top to the floor. Randy does a douche-a-bag face, then follows Dave out. Randy sends Dave into the stairs, then sends him back in and covers for 2. Snap-mare by Randy. He does this kneedrop where he sticks his arms out all wacky. Clubbing forearms across Dave’s chest. Side-headlock with crazy, wacky wrenching. Randy: “Ask him!” Yes, Batista’s title reign ends at one day when he submits to a headlock. Dave powers out and throws Randy off. Dave punches Randy in the stomach, Randy kicks Dave in the face, but Batista is Animaling-Up. He rams Randy into the corner for some shoulderblocks. He Angle/Palumboizes Randy’s shoulder. Now Dave follows Randy out, lifts him up over his (Dave’s) shoulder, and throws Randy shoulder-first into the post. Back in, and there’s the Hollywoodslam 2000. Thumbs up, thumbs down, Demonbomb. JR: “Will Orton go down as well?” Yes. 1, 2, 3. That was kind of underwhelming. THE REAL CHAMPION AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT I WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY GOD DAMN IT AHHHH comes out and does fake applause. Can you figure out who I’m talking about?
Final Thoughts: You guys really ought to like Edge by now. Even though Benoit could have a great match with Ric Flair’s broom. Anyway, that was pretty good. And apparently the draft lottery redux is coming. We should do a WV draft. I have no idea how that would work.
