You know, I could have sworn I wrote out a little story of how someone mentioned the Carpathian Mountains and their connection to the Dracula myth at dinner, and how this caused me to think about Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein and start losing it laughing while everyone stared. I put it in a WV-15 entry. TNM must have though it was just a little personal note in the e-mail. I don’t send you little love notes in e-mail Mideon. I leave that to Boobermonkeys.
I send little love notes on AIM.
And since Correspondent-W isn’t reading this anyway, this might be a good place to apologize for all the weird stuff I said late at night on MSN two years ago. I was in a weird, anti-Canada place then. Let’s say Mexico.
WV-15: What the fuck do you people want from me? He wore a fucking ram helmet that shot steam and he did a little dance around it! I didn’t ask to discuss fashion. Because I knew what would happen. Oh no JG, you crusty old goat, we don’t want to talk about the not-currently-on-American-TV man who put a frickin’ pyrotechnic show on his head, we want to talk about the somewhat short man whose glasses are orange! If you don’t want Vader on a top 15 list, come up with a topic like “top 15 wrestling things that aren’t cosmically ludicrous in every respect.”
STAR TREK DRAGONBALL GT: I happened to see most of an episode today. I don’t especially want to talk about it, but it’s opening theme is somehow EVEN WORSE than the music DBZ switched to when it switched all it’s voice-actors halfway through the Freiza Saga.
SAILOR MOON: JESUS CHRIST the final episode is creepy. I saw it before and completely forgot that Sailor Moon is NAKED for the entire battle with Chaos Galaxia. It’s a symbol of spiritual purity or some crap in Japan. And you don’t see anything. But it’s still creepy. And then, when all the dead Scouts and dead Tuxedo Mask and everyone else is magically restored and talking to her, she’s still frickin’ naked. So, she’s standing there naked being praised by like, a dozen clothed women and her boyfriend. I do enjoy Seiya and the Starlights’ departure though. So, Mamoru has been gone all season and Seiya is this hero who falls in love with Sailor Moon. And it’s not some creepy thing like some of the male villains have, it’s sweet and he’s really nice to her and crap. And she starts to develop feelings for him too. And then Mamoru comes back and he’s all, “Hey, who’s this dude?”
All right, better get started. This is going to be really late, again. Still, better to take three days to do this than Smackdown, since the post-RAW gap between shows is longer. I mean, counting the B-shows. The fact that WV would probably sooner drop RAW and Smackdown than Heat and Velocity is kinda weird.
It’s also weird that getting everyone to contribute to the site is causing bitter, bitter strife. Triple B is, ironically, what’s holding us together. I can talk about him at length cause I don’t think he has the patience to read my stuff. Psh, like, who does?
Let’s eat some prawn.
We are live from Birmingham. Watch your neck, Shelton.
Oh great. We open with AIN’T I GAY?. The nicknames get worse every week, don’t they? I miss The Rockers’ theme already. He’s facing WHO LET THE FROGS OUT? That’s probably been used by now. Is this a handicap match? Oh, it’s just Grenier. Conway is no great shakes, but why is the significantly shittier Grenier the one who does all their singles stuff? Nevermind, it is Conway. What the fuck is wrong with me, they just said that! At least when EvilJon doesn’t know what’s going on, it’s in another language. Anyway, let’s go. JR says La Resistance hold a grudge. Lawler: “That sorta makes this a grudge match!” Thank you soooo much for that. Headlock bullshit, and Slyvain trips HBK in the ropes almost immediately. Conway stomps and shit, but Michaels ends up sliding between his legs and pulling him to the floor. He takes out both frogs. He goes back in, the Quebecois confer, and HBK planchas both. Conway chucked back in. The crowd is pretty hot for this. Conway fires away in the corner (being inexplicably in control) but Shawn no-sells and takes over. Oops, Conway reverses a whip so HBK can take the Super Flair Flip spot to the floor. Conway chats about the feeling of a fleur-de-lis on your privates with the ref as Grenier nails Hickenbottom with the flagpole. HBK tossed in, Conway covers for 2. HBK tossed again. And…an ad break? In this match?
Commercials. Local cable ad features a nerdy guy in a crown. I couldn’t tell much else from fast forwarding through.
We’re back, and Conway has some kinda goofy neck vice on Michaels. He increases the damage by twitching around like a psycho. HBK punches his way out. Chops. HBK hits the ropes, tossed, but he skins the cat. More chops by HBK. Clothesline, no, Conway catches him in position for the Rock Book Bottom End! He does some kinda jawbreaker across the shoulder instead. If Conway did the Rock Bottom and then the People’s Elbow I would have lost my shit. He gets 2. Conway with the bunches o’ punches. Both men up, exchanging chops, and that eventually goes HBK’s HBWay. Michaels hits the ropes, Flying Burrito! JR: “Michaels exploding!” Kip-up, inverted atomic drop, punch. Punch. Punch. Conway to the ropes, back body drop. Grenier on the apron, Michaels takes him out. Scoop slam (it’s over!) Michaels tosses the Quebec flag aside for some reason. Going up…Macho Elbow! Spastic dance! Warming up the band. The crowd is going apeshit. Calm down, hicks. Sweet Chin Music gets 3. Crank up “Gay Orgasm.” Lawler keeps saying “game” when, in theory, he isn’t thinking about Triple H.
JR and King tell us that, IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS, they have to show this boring Kurt Angle video package. Hey, it’s Kurt with hair! Kurt with hair was cooler than bald Kurt.
Regal, Yoshi, Christy and Lita walk around backstage. Amusing references to guys being kicked in the balls are made.
Commercials. Christian could probably have saved the Basic Instinct one if they completely cut out Moolah and Mae.
Hulk Hogan will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame by wrestling legend Sylvester Stallone. Stallone’s boxing show with the dead dude is plugged, of course. I hope that when Ric Flair (that’s right I mentioned his name hahaha)is inducted, it’s by HAL from 2001.
No, that didn’t make any sense.
AWFUL (w/HERE COMES MAKOTO-CHAN, A HULKAMANIAC) is out to that awful Diva Search music. It will never, ever go away. Here’s some nudie pictures. To my mild surprise, YE OLDE BAHBAHQUE SAUCA get a separate entrance. So, La Resistance have already wrestled, so who…Christ. It’s WE THREE KINGS OF SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT, COME TO RAW TO BE SOUNDLY BEAT, HERE IS MOLLY, LAST NAME HOLLY, HER BUTT IS QUITE PETIT. That last line is a stretch. I could have used “retreat” or “discreet” or “Jean Pierre Lafitt.” Molly isn’t really a King, though. Oh, the other two are Maven and Dean. You can’t really tell by the name, can you? Oh fuck, Jean Pierre Lafitt! One more wrestling great our fashion parade has shunned. He could have carried Piratito Morgan on his shoulder. And sold him to Mick Foley. I really don’t want to rebeak this. It’s going to end with Molly jobbing to Christy, I just know it. Maven enjoys the fitness…stuff. ALL HUFFY AND SHIT is out to remind us she still exists and the Women’s Division is technically still alive. Simon and Regal do amateur stuff. Holds, reversals, etc. Regal gets a shoulderblock, then some fancy armbar. Tag to Tajiri. Regal trips up Simon’s legs so Tajiri can baseball slide kick him. Lawler, on Christy: “If she can wrestle half as good as that pictorial looks, she’s gonna be a winner at Wrestlemania!” Uh-huh, and why do we think she can? Double chop for Maven, who tries to interfere. Jack Doan removes Regal as Maven trips up Tajiri so Simon can drop an elbow on him. Simon covers…after an elbow drop? It gets 2. JR seems surprised that Tajiri wasn’t pinned. By an elbow drop. Shades of that one Dudleyz heel turn when Commissioner Morley made them…bad, somehow. Tag to Maven, and he kicks. Stomps. Jerry makes awful jokes about sex. Maven punches. Tag to Simon. Double-armdrag. Lawler: “You talk about the match, I’ll talk about Christy!” Simon and Maven do push-ups for heel heat. Simon does one of those crazy front facelocks where you act like you’re applying real pressure. Tajiri fights towards the face corner, but Simon cheapshots Regal…only to turn into a leg lariat by Tajiri! Tag to Christy, and to Molly. Christy gets distracted by Trish, and thus Molly takes her down and…Christy basically ignores her offense and just does some kicks. Molly whips her into the corner and lifts her up so she can be sunset flipped. Simon breaks it up, but eats the Regal knee of death thing. Tajiri does a baseball slide on Maven. Molly with a scoop slam (it’s over!) and goes up for the Molly-Go-Round. That never hits. It doesn’t hit. Titty Twist of Fate, and it’s over. Here’s a replay that focuses on Christ’s ass. Lawler: “I love this shot of the Twist of Fate, and so does Lita!” So, Lita likes girls? LITA-EDGE-SHANNON-CHRISTY 4-WAY!
Triple H walks. He bumps into somebody. He stares them down. JR: “The World Heavyweight Champion, Triple H King, on his way out here to talk, he’s got something to say!” Lawler: “Well, I’m gonna be listening. But, do you think Batista’s gonna be listening? He’s here tonight, you know!” I don’t know why I find that so funny.
Commercials. Yawn.
Stone Cold Stunnar is Stone Cold attacking Vince in a hospital and putting things in his ass. I really didn’t need to see that much of Vince’s tighy-whiteys.
More Piper’s Pit crap. The best part of the Snuka bit was how Snuka manages to destroy the entire set while selling the coconut shot. And by best part, I mean part I’m least tired of. Lawler thinks Piper will hit Austin with a coconut, and Austin will hit Piper with a bedpan. I, for one, expect that whole segment to go peacefully with no violence whatsoever.
ONE OF THOSE EMAIL CHESS GAMES TWO GUYS PLAY TOGETHER OVER THE COURSE OF LIKE THREE YEARS takes his sweet time. He had a good match last week, so let’s see him fuck up whatever good will he earned. Trips takes a folding chair into the ring, sets it up, and takes a seat. Man, if you’re talking for so long you can’t even remain standing, then you need to stop talking. Ok, he says Evolution was so strong, the only thing that could beat it was jealousy by it’s junior members. Orton turned on him, and now he’s begging for Wrestlemania scraps. Ok, I can buy that. Dave turned on him, but he’s not in Trips’ league because Trips is a ten time champion and the bestest wrestler evar. He talks a lot about how he is the best. And how others aren’t. JBL’s catchphrase is pissed on for some reason. I’m no JBL fan, but it’s a little sad when Trips seems envious of the other brand’s heel champ for being over. Now he starts in on how he raised Batista as his Pokemon or something. Feeding him to make him what he can be. He talks about how Batista was stupid to pick Benoit to beat Trips because “the guy I can’t beat” was just another pathetic jobber before Triple H. And now Triple H starts talking about that woman on the respirator whose husband wants to pull the plug but whose parent’s won’t allow it. I swear, he references them like four times. Now he says he’s going to put Batista down. FINALLY he tells us something new, and all it is is that the Batista/Kane match will be a Lumberjack Match. Well, that oughta make it nice and indecisive. I shit you not, by the counter on my VCR, Hunter was talking for more than ten minutes straight. The segment was probably nearly fifteen minutes if you count his entrance, and lounging around soaking in the overness. On a side note, I’d like to point out that though he ignored it and moved on, a “You tapped out” chant started the second he mentioned Chris “We Tried He Failed It’s Over” Benoit. And I know you’re tired of hearing smarks bitch about Benoit, but it was plain as day, and this show was live from ALABAMA. Bored-ass redneck fans chanting for Benoit as Triple H just babbled.
Commercials. Thanks a lot, champ. I’m less than halfway done and I’ve decided to go to bed.
Ah, a good night's sleep. Let's get back to it. Our Stacker 2 Jezebels Dig Evil of the Night is the jezebel Jericho costing Edge a match against Shelton Benjamin.
BREAK THE FANS’ INTEREST DOWN and A NON STEVE BLACKMAN are here. There’s Shelton’s dragon shirt. Yep. There it is. Lawler: “Great tasting, juicy drop-pop!” He sounded vaguely angry there. And here’s MY PEEPS WILL DISAPPEAR FROM STORE SHELVES AFTER EASTER (w/THAT IS A PROBLEM) and DUDE, I’M TOTALLY GOD. Supes (here for one night only,) on Edge’s pyro: “He pooted!” What’s the point of a coat that doesn’t cover your chest at all? Edge and Christian give each other a look of mutual distrust. Christian and Jericho start. No mention of their eighty year feud by the commentators. Jericho works armbars and headlocks and shit. Christian sends him to the ropes, but gets shoulderblocked. And again. Cover for 2. Chops, Christian reverses a whip, and Edge nails Jericho from the apron. Full-nelson by Edge for a Christian cheap-shot, so of course Jericho moves. Christian charges into Jericho, and gets tossed. Edge shoves Christian on the floor, Tyson offers to mediate, and Jericho baseball slide kicks Edge into the other two heels. Shelton with a fucking MASSIVE sommersault plancha where he sommersaults forward! If he missed that, his neck was toast. Back in the ring, and Jericho back suplexes Edge. Tag to Shelton, who punches away in the corner. Edge sent to the ropes, and into a back elbow. Shelton looking for the 10-punch count-a-long, but Tyson distracts the ref and Christian pulls Shelton off into a hot-shot. Christian looking real happy with himself. Edge stomps away. Tag to Christian, who kicks. Chest-slap by Christian. Supes: “Five kissyfingers of death.” Neckbreaker for 2. Hardcore Ninja-chokeout. Shelton fights out when Christian stops wrenching it, but hits the ropes and runs right into a kneelift. Christian draws Jericho in, and Edge and Christian double-team as the ref detains him. Tag to Edge for a high-angle dropkick. Tag to Christian. Lawler: “Ever been in a ladder match JR?” Shelton punches away, and gets a goofy full-nelson drop into a backbreaker. Ross calls it a reverse neckbreaker. Race for the tag. Racially charged. Jericho in, and he fires away on Christian. Leg lariat. Edge rushes in and gets hip-tossed. Edge and Christian mill about in confusion (well, they had just eaten a flurry of offense) and get double-bulldogged. Lionsault attempt, Edge moves but Christian doesn’t. Edge charges in, but Jericho gets a double-leg takedown into the Walls! Tomko on the apron, Jericho releases the Walls and gets a springboard dropkick on Tomko. Christian sneaks in behind him with the inverted “fake Unprettier” DDT. That…takes us to break? JR: “He’s in bad shape! Look at his face!”
Commercials. The Met Man vs The Sour Man. Special guest referee, The Scour Man.
The Chris Brothers are in a race for the tag, and both men make it. Shelton punches the Hell out Edge. JR: “Benjamin is tattooing Edge!” Shades of Albert. Christian tries to help, but gets nailed. Edge back body dropped. Christian gets the same. Edge sent to the ropes, powerslam on the rebound for 2. E&C double-whip Shelton to the corner. Edge down for Poetry in Motion, but Shelton skips off of Edge instead and gets a flying clothesline on Christian! Money Clip on Edge, Christian breaks up the cover. Shelton rolls off camera. Jericho in, and now E&C try to double-team him, but he turns a double-suplex into a double-neckbreaker! Christian sent to the floor! Jericho goes for SPRINGBOARD THE STUPID! He springboards into a dive a few inches in front of Tomko’s kick! Tomko was on the floor, too. Benjamin attacks Edge on the inside. Benjamin trying for the Exploder, Christian charges…into a flapjack by Shelton! Shelton punches Edge down. Stinger Splash on Christian! Edge looking for the Spear, but Shelton kicks him right in the fucking face. Shelton sends Edge into the corner for a Stinger Splash. It misses, but he catches himself safely and…Christian nails him with the IC Title! Shelton stumbles back…into the Spear! 1, 2, 3. Christian is REALLY happy! Team ECT with a beatdown. NO ONE MUST EVER SEE MY LEGS runs in and German suplexes the FUCK out of E and C. Though now that I think about it, everyone in this match always wears pants instead of panties. Tyson in behind Benoit with the ladder…one shot to the gut to set him up, and then he slams it over his head. Oh man, I was hoping Christian would be declared the new winner of this match, but no. Tomko smiles all evilly. Tug on your beard, Tyson. You know you want to. JR: “Nothing to smile about Tomko! This isn’t a funny matter!” It’s a lactose intolerance situation.
Commercials. I saw a vanity license plate today that said “BWIT GOD.” I guess the message is “Be With God” (I have the misfortune to live in the South) but I prefer to think it means “Bee Wit God.” As in, God has the mind of a bee. You can be, like, praying for inspiration, and God will try to communicate his master plan for you through a combination of motion and odor. Or maybe he can talk, but all he tells you is where pollen can be found in relation to his hive. You know who worships the Bee Wit God? Go ahead and guess. I’ll give you a hint: he sat on his ass yammering at us for ten minutes tonight (read: several days ago.)
INSTIGATOR OF WV DISSENTION fires up various HEEL JOBBERS. It’s La Res, Viscera, Coach, the Arabs, Simon, Maven, Snitski and…Masters? It’s nice to see Simon Dean and Viscera on the same side. Anyway, Ric tells them Batista screwed one of them out of a Wrestlemania title shot. It could have been Grenier in there! Ric says he and Trips will have their eyes in a “special place.” The World of Eyes? Looking for a new Evolution member, he says. Simon gets so excited, he slaps Coach on the shoulder. Grenier’s Woo is particularly high-pitched.
THE AARDVARK is an animal. EVEN SOFA COULDN’T EXPLAIN WHY I’M WELL-DRESSED comes in an sucks up to him. Batista suggests Bischoff become a politician. Bischoff doesn’t get what he’s saying. Batista switches it to “used car salesman.” It was kind of cute, but I’m tired. Ric Flair would have gone with “snake-oil salesman.” Or “carpetbagger.”
HEY, ORTON AND STAC-AY, MAKE ME WISH THIS PROGRAM WOULD GO AWAY banter. Randy says he’s going to the ring. *HIGH-PITCHED POP*
The Lugz Stunning Boot of the Suck is Jake “The Cough” Roberts getting RKOed.
Commercials. So, 411 posted this fucking “RAW SPOILER” that says Warlord is gonna get RKOed tonight. Frickin’ Warlord of all people. Now, I’m gonna level with you: I’m not watching this for the first time as I rebeak it (though I try to make my beaking reflect my initial reactions and predictions) and Warlord does not appear on the show. Shocking, eh? 411, you suck soooo much. Even if you ended up being right, YOU CAN’T SPOPPZOR A LIVE SHOW BEFORE IT HAPPENS!
Our Smackdown Rebound is creating this intense desire in me to research all of Undertaker’s awful Wrestlemania matches.
HEY, RANDY AND STAC-AY, ALREADY GOT A FUCKING NICKNAME are out. Randy talks. He shows us his new T-shirt, which shows the various “legends” he’s ended and includes Taker. Bad sign right there. Then we see a video package. I hate it when wrestlers introduce video packages. Orton says Taker’s streak and legend will be just like him…DEAD! Just like Undertaker, not like Orton. Now Orton says there’s something he’s been wanting to do with Stacey for a very long time. He’s been very heelish so far. Run for your life, Kiebler. Actually, no. I want to see this. They kiss, first. Didn’t need that. And THERE’S the RKO. It made no sense, but I still liked it. Guess he’s officially a heel now. Lawler and JR eventually determine the “message” Orton had been talking about (that I largely ignored) was that if he would do THAT to his girlfriend, what will he do to the Undertaker? Buy him chocolates and tell him he doesn’t look fat when he’s retaining water?
Commercials. My birthday is next Tuesday, so I got the day off work. Not exactly the best night to go out with friends (who work on weekdays and some of whom are still on weird terms after the mysterious weird weekend a week ago,) so I’ll celebrate on Monday. Probably by…hoping someone interesting is on AIM. Sigh. Oh fuck, and I’ll have a rebeak to do too. Don’t want to miss the last week of Triple H’s posturing.
Hey, has anyone got THE GUTS to rebeak the Hall of Fame ceremony? I think it’s gonna air on Spike. Flair isn’t going in this year. If that interests anyone. Anyone whose name involves monkeys.
TRIPLE H’S SEGMENT WENT TOO SHORT BUT I CAN SOLVE THAT PROBLEM WITH A QUICK SQUASH is already in the ring, waiting to face INDEED YOU CAN! That may be the worst Chris Benoit nickname ever. Benoit is wearing a DDP rib-bandage. Tomko Pearl-Harbors Benoit and knocks him out of the ring. He sends Benoit in, but gets tossed into the corner and IMMEDIATELY eats Rolling Germans! The third, a release, was especially insane. Benoit goes up for the Swandive, hits it! Damn, this is like The Road Warriors vs unnamed jobbers circa 1986. The cover is delayed, however, so it only gets 2. Big Boot by Tomko, but Benoit gets a foot on the rope. Tomko punches away. JR: “The unrefined Tomko, he’s a Street Fighter!” Tomko stalking Benoit for the Big Boot, but Benoit ducks and slaps on the Crossface. Tomko taps. That made Hunter/Rosey look like Rude/Rhodes. You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?
A LESSER MARTY JANNETTY talks to some crew dude. WE LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR LORD show up and Hassan starts bitching to individual wrestlers about not being booked at Wrestlemania. Hassan says HBK knows nothing about anti-Arab discrimination. Which unintentionally sounds like a compliment, in that HBK doesn’t discriminate. Davari yells. HBK makes a valid point about how Hassan acts entitled to everything but hasn’t earned anything yet, then gives him a match next week. He implies that Hassan is on the Wrestlemania card if he beats HBK, which makes sense because clearly HBK has the power to do that. He got that power from TEH SOURCE.
Commercials. The guy who silences the shouting douchebag in the Virginia Lottery “World Series of Poker” scratcher game commercial looks and sounds like a douchebag I work with.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh sweet, I know this rules because I already saw it. Wrestlemania Goes Hollywood, with various guys trying out for the role of Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver.” The scene, as though you couldn’t glean it from reading this, involves Robert De Niro looking into a mirror practicing being tough by saying, “Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me. I’m the only one here.” Then he pulls a gun on the mirror. It’s a good scene.
Heidenreich: “Don’t even try it! Are you talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me!? Are you talking to HEIDENREICH!? DAAAAAAH!”
Batista: “So what’s the line man?”
Crew Guy: “Are you talkin’ to me?”
Batista: “Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. What’s the line?”
Crew Guy: “Are you talking to me.”
Batista: *FROWN*
HBK, Rey and then Shelton each deliver the line straight (ironic for HBK hahahaha.)
The Basham Brothers (in sych:) “Are you talking to us?”
Big Show…wanders in, but his head is out of shot.
Director: “Cut! Reframe!”
The Diva Search Bimbo From the Superbowl Ad and Carlito Caribbean Cool deliver the line straight.
Tajiri: *SOUNDS OF JAP PEOPLE*
More Abbott and Costello with Batista and Crew Guy.
Big Show tries again but his jacket rips.
Orlando and Joy (I think) deliver the line straight.
Snitski tries to deliver the line, but a prop in the background falls out of place.
Snitski: “That, wasn’t my fault!”
Show gets hit with the boom mic. Or mike.
HBK, Shelton, London (!?!?) and Tazz do the threatening gun point take in rapid succession.
Carlito takes a bite out of his apple.
Director: “Can we lose the apple please?”
Carlito spits out the apple.
Carlito: “Dat’s not cool!”
Chavo and Hardcore Holly (sigh) deliver the line straight.
Molly Holly: “You must be talkin’ to me!”
Cole: “I’m the only one here!”
The Superbowl Bimbo dances.
Batista walks out on the Abbott and Costello sketch.
Big Show tries one more time, but gets cut off by the announcer. Then he kills some crew guy.
Batista walks by, is asked if he can be helped, and finally says “Are you talkin’ to me?”
My write-up drained the humor dry, but trust me, the Bashams, Carlito, Snitski, and even Cole and Tajiri were hilarious.
~*~*~*~*~*~
BORING and
OLD are out first, along with
WE ARE LUMBERJACKS AND WE’RE OK. Wow, half the roster is using Trips’ theme!
Commercials. I hope this match is short. Ah, a WWE ShopZone.com ad. This is what sucked Mideon in.
JR announces a “face off” next week with Triple H and Batista. Trips (on commentary) freaks out. HBK has some gay-ass graphic where he pretends to punch himself. It’s for his match with Hassan. Now THROUGH APATHY AND BOREDOM IT’S KANE comes out, and his pyro makes JR discuss barbeque. If Lita and Christy are so tight, why doesn’t Kane teach Christy the chokeslam? And here comes THE LEMUR. Joey the Lemur. I’ve never heard the Joey the Lemur song, but I’m aware that it exists as an insular MST3K reference. Batista directs his gay-ass pose at Triple H. Circling to start. Kane eventually forces Batista into the corner. Clean break. Now Batista forces Kane into the corner, but Kane cheap-shots him on the break. Batista reverses a whip, sends Kane into the corner, and gets an over-the-shoulder powerslam. Davari distracts Batista with screeching, causing Batista to idiotically go out after him. That hateful scum Hassan sticks up for his best friend and attacks the much bigger Batista. Batista no-sells and stalks Hassan, but Kane attacks Batista from behind. Kane tries to send Batista into the security railing, but Batista blocks and slams Kane into it. Sending Kane back in, but the Masterpiece attacks Batista as Batista rolls back in. Big Boot by Kane. Legdrop? No, elbowdrop, and it hits. For 2. Kane to the ropes, but Batista clotheslines him. Triple H: “You ever hear of Batista before Evolution, before me?” Lawler: “No. Never, never.” JR: “No, quite honestly.” Wow, I know more about wrestling than they do! Batista pounds Kane in the corner. Kane reverses a whip, sending Batista to the corner. Batista back-elbows a charging Kane, but La Res pull him off his feet. Looking to crotch him against the corner post, but Batista kicks both men off. Sigh. Kane kicks Batista in the gut and gets a DDT. Choking. Stomping. I’m sick of one guy beating the whole roster at once. Kane slams Batista into the top turnbuckle. Punching. Kane with a clothesline in the corner for 2. Batista punches his way back, no, Kane downs him again. Triple H: “Do you live on the same planet we do?” JR: “Most of the time.” Kane dropkicks the downed Batista’s head. Rope-choking, and Grenier and Maven yell at him. Triple H: “JR, I am gonna beat him like a bag of puppies.” What? The two slugs exchange punches. Well, Batista can be more than a slug. Anyway, Kane reverses a whip, then gets Batista with a side-slam. Kane goes up, kicking Snitski on the way, hahahaha. Was Snitski trying to attaxor? Kane slowed just enough to be slammed off the top, Flair style. Batista squashes him in the corner, whip across the ring, and another corner-smash. Vertical suplex by Batista. Clothesline, but Kane kicks out at 2. Kane reverses a whip, Goozle, but Batista elbows out. Batistabomb attempt, but Kane rams Batista into the corner. Both men wander around. Double shoulderblock. Kane rolls outside, and Snitski (long time enemy, even without the kick in this match) attacks him. Punches. Now Simon Dean runs at Kane (um…because of that beatdown a few weeks ago, maybe?) but gets Big Booted. Viscera attacks (all right, I give up) but Kane dodges his charge. Maybe Kane and Viscera have unsettled Corporate Ministry issues. Kane slams Viscera into the post again. Other jobbers attack Batista outside of the ring. JR calls them “ravaged dogs.” Kane back in the ring, but…hahahaha, Edge, Christian and Tomko kick his ass in the ring! Monkey in the Bank match, right? Batista fights off his jobber foes (most especially killing Maven and Coach as he hates Darkies) before going in to fight Team ECT. E&C both get their pines busted. Zombie sit-up by Kane, Goozle, Chokeslam! Cover gets 2, and Trips loses it. Kane wants the Tombstone, but Batista gets out. Kane wanders right into the Spinebuster. Batistabomb, and it’s over. If Kane gets his heat back by squashing everyone good at Mania, I will be PISSED. Fun match, though. I mean, you can never expect a mat classic from a Lumberjack Match.
Final Thoughts: I need to think of a way to weasel my way out of next week’s RAW. Wet Weasel my way out.
