Thanks to scheduling and assorted goofiness, I will be bringing you WV’s RAW Rebeak this week while Sofa layseths the smackseths downeths at my usual stomping grounds. The decision was made when it was discovered my brother had taped RAW, and I could potential borrow that tape and watch the show again. I didn’t. Shit, if you can read this rebeak and tell me you’d subject yourself to this RAW twice, Please seek help. Please. PLEASE!

I did see the show though, so it’s not entirely rebeaking recaps. That means Boobermonkeys has to read it all the way through. Sorry.

Credits. Boo! Yay!

We are LIVE from Grand Rapids MOssouri, the Sho Me State, where people don’t even MOE lawns, they MO them. Hahaha. Stupid Keith. His rant opens praising an autobiography with the startling discovery that UFC fighters who live to maim others with their bare hands tend to have had unhappy childhoods.

Our hosts are JUMBO REDNECK and EL REY (wo/CHAD or GRANDPA.)

Hahaha, snuck ‘em in. El Rey means “the King,” ya see.

The show opens with what I will nonsensically call the Miller High Life Reel. At least SK knows highlight is one word, putting him ahead of this PK character (Ponkey Kong, or perhaps Scott Keith’s imaginary friend Pepe Keith.) GO JERICHO GO kinda sorta flubbed the opening serious part of his interview about how the Elimination Chamber (aka EC and surely an insider signal that Edge and Christian are reuniting soon) kills children and puppies with it’s innate brutality. His guest is HE BEGOT KENDRICK, and even Lawler is smart enough to wonder why HBK keeps coming on the Highlight Reel when he always gets attacked. Jericho asks a question, holds the mic towards HBK, and then immediately pulls it away because he’s the last good RAW main eventer. Unfortunately, he goes on to say he needs to leave and will turn his show over to EVIL LOTION. This sucks. SK correctly notes that on his own fucking interview show, Jericho is buried so that bee-drinking bozo can be showcased. By the way, here are the lyrics to Evolution’s theme music:

Evil-lution is a mystery,
Why’s this shit on my TV?
I want to play in the sand!

There’s another verse but it’s less clear than the RAW theme verse about the bumblebees. Anyway, Triple H uses SLEEPWAVE and makes HBK think he’s a SEEL. But SEEL-HBK attacks first (believe you me, I skipped a few minutes of H jabberin’ here) only to be overcome by numbers (in this case, 3.) But BIG BLONDIE THE PEROXIDE KILLER comes out with his new, bleached hair. Jesus Christ, he looks like Riff-Raff’s roided up, gayer cousin. And we know how Riff-Raff treats family. Evolution treats Nash the same way Riff-Raff does before BLOBDORG attacks. I guess fifteen minutes before the segment started, someone who psychically knew what was coming tapped on his door and said, “It’s time.” Gary Spivey, maybe. Goldberg accidentally spears Nash when he meant to spear Triple H, but I don’t care.

E.L. FUDGE is standing around being blonde, flat and leggy when I DON’T LIKE THE SMELL ON MY FACE GUYS wanders by. Remember when he said that after getting the Stinkface? No? Oh. He says that when he wins Stacey back, things will be different. He’ll treat her like an even bigger slut. THE CAD! Does this mean she’s put on weight?

Commercials. Probably for aerialisticness.

THE LAST OF THE HOLLYS should be in a movie where she gets to yell “Stay alive, whatever may occur! I will find you!” Instead she’d defending her title against EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE CLAP. What an utterly unfair nickname. PK speculates that Trish’s boobs are bigger and misspells Thesz, but I need to draw on some source here because this match was on when the pizza guy showed up. When I was watching, I was oddly drawn to Molly’s shiny blue and utterly pointless back-ribbon. Anyway, apparently billions of spots were blown because we all know women’s wrestling is fake before INSCRUTABLE MATRIXY CHICK attacks everyone and the match ends with Molly still champion, so that’s good enough for me. Gail Kim seems to think she should be champion, but don’t judge her or whatever the Hell her Titantron video says. This was not as good as last week because Molly didn’t get to make everyone else look totally retarded. If they seriously keep the title on Molly for a month or more without giving her a PMS-themed gimmick I will be pleasantly surprised. Speaking of PMS, Sean Stasiak ever returning would also be a pleasant surprise.

Backstage, THE PRINCIPLE OF ENDUCED EVOLUTION brag about outsmarting HBK, Kevin Nash, Bill Goldberg, and a can of Cherry Pepsi TNM drank last year. Then “OLD CRONE” STEVE AUSTIN comes in, cripples himself by nodding, and makes Orton vs Goldberg with Austin as “Special Guest Enforcer.” Flair refrains from screaming about Double A, much to my regret.

Commercials. They seemed to be recycling the pro-tattoo anti-smoking one a lot last night.

Our Whack of the Night was Kane Tombstone Pizzaing Shane on the Adamantium steps.

SUGAR SHANE tries to act all badass and tells us he’s gonna beat Bischoff’s bad ass (ahahah! Get thee to a punnery!) when he arrives tonight. But…you’re already here, Shane! Oh wait…when Bischoff arrives. I thought it was weird we didn’t open the show with “I’M BACK, AND BETTER THAN EVER, SOMETHING SOMETHING, MAKING THINGS BETTER!” Anyway…Shane’s music totally undercuts his "angry badass" cred, as does everything else about him. Fuck this…bring back Joey Abs! Did I mention in my last SDbeak that Shane appearing now to save Linda is a bit odd when Vince has been murdering Steph for months? I did? Good.

SAILOR MERCURY BROKE MY ARM (aka Golddust. I can’t reasonably expect anyone to know what the fuck I’m talking about) tries to teach FORM OF: A BORING GUY to be spontaneous. Lance, in HILARIOUS fashion, once failed to rewind a video tape. I was not entirely serious about that being hilarious. Golddust sends Lance into the Women’s locker room to do something really spontaneous and crazy and spontaneous (like killing everyone but Fry, who he then has sex with). Scott Keith doesn’t think this will end well…and with the benefit of having seen this show last night, I can tell you IT DOESN’T END AT ALL. THEY JUST FORGOT TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. Or they ran short of time, but the all-caps version is cooler.

Now, depending on which recap you read, either Test walked or Linda sat. I’m pretty sure I remember Linda sitting AND Test walking. I must have watched RAW+. With 10% more suck.

Commercials. Gary made that poor kid dress as a pirate named Captain Death. That’s rough. But it has nothing to do with this break.

Now it’s time for our co-pre-announced-main-event-thing, I BET HE YELLED “I AM SCOTT STEINER” AS HE TYPED THAT (w/SLUT) verses MY BICEPS TASTE LIKE APPLES. They fight briefly (Steiner does push-ups, oh-hohoho) before Test “hurts” his knee. I wasn’t fooled. SK wasn’t fooled. PK was. Wow. Anyway, after Test mugs for the camera acting like his career is mercifully over for awhile, and some paramedics flit about in girlish glee, he eventually kicks Steiner and wins. Or, if you’re X-Pak, he placed his right foot into Steiner’s chest & Shoved him back to the ground again. Looks like Stacey will be doing her standing around in Test’s corner now. Oh, and lest I forget: Jerry Lawler said the word “slut” approximately ten billion times here (unofficial count,) and JR claimed that thanks to this victory, Test “technically owns” Stacey. Because she had sold her immortal soul and US citizenship to Steiner, I guess.

Commercials. Probably for those drinkable bees.

We are back. VIVA LA RESEMBLANCE (how can we not be making gay jokes about two guys in glittery coats and shiny berets?) come out over footage of their chicanery of last week that led to my favorite line of that show: “That’s not just wine Coach, it’s FRENCH wine!” This week they find A G.I. JOE PLANT (this PK guy is really something else) in the front row and make fun of him. Poorly. They go to shake his hand for being a sport, and then pull it back! OH NO YOU DIDNA! DOSE (AND I DO MEAN DOSE) DAMNED (BORING) DUDLEYZ (minus Spike, who got his fifteen seconds of fame out of TNN’s name change last week) chase away the French, who should go on to hold Vichy Tag Titles or something after they eventually job. The Dudleyz invite the soldier into the ring (which, and I am being honest, set off warning bells in my mind) and give him a flag to wave. The solider ends up being a CLOSET FROG who attacks the Duds, then calls out his fellow cheese-eating surrender monkeys to do evil on our table-breaking, women-crippling symbols of American…stuff. This actually manages to be worse than the Un-Americans, and gives us our line of the night. JR: “This man is no more a military man than Saddam Hussein himself!” So…Saddam's uniform and his penchant for guns is a fashion statement?

Now Jericho combs his pretty hair. PLZ WIN CHRIS!

Commercials. None as awesome as that one public service announcement about Ray Charles driving a car though.

Let’s go to Linda McMahon again, staring woodenly at a computer screen as she vaguely pokes at a mouse.

A computer mouse.

I think Hair vs Hair should involve a black hair and a white hair trying to blow each other up. Anyway, it’s time for ROID-RAFF vs CANADIAN VILLAIN GARTH VADER. They had a lengthy match which wasn’t that great. One thing Nash has in common with the Undertaker (aside from shiny black pants and being undead) is that as lazy as he is when he’s booked to win, he’s barely awake when he’s going to job. So that was a good sign, and indeed, after Nash kicked out of the Lionsault and got to the ropes in the Liontamer, and after Jericho got a foot on the rope after being hit with the Jackknife, Chris used Regal’s old brass knuckles to save his hair for himself, his fans, and future generations. Jericho even got to cut some of Nash’s hair off himself, in ring. Awesome. Even without much-anticipated special guest enforcer A-Train. Even PK approves (HAHA.)

Next, SASKATCHEWAN HARDCORE INTERNATIONAL TITLE (or whatever that belt was called) tries to rescue a cat from a tree for a CUTE LITTLE GIRL WHO PRONOUNCES THE CAT’S NAME DIFFERENTLY EACH TIME SHE YELLS. The cat bites Rosey, so he bludgeons it and pitches it into the street as ERRUPTING BURNING WIZZARD revels in the fact that a girl is talking to him. SK approves, but PK does not deem this HAHA worthy.

Now DOC LONG is here with LITTLE RODNEY MACK. Did Sofa use that already? Teddy Long tells us he just had to go on a world cruise because he’s so awesome or something. Then he says that last week’s eastern seaboard blackout ain’t got nothin’ on when he lets the Mack out. At this point, 1 ½ MINUTE WARNING come out, and Rosey fights Mack, and kicks his ass with little effort. Teddy, start managing someone who doesn’t suck. “He hurt me, Doc!”

LINDA “DEVIL DOLL” MCMAHON should never, ever be asked to act. She’s in her luxurious office, muttering to JR that she should be back to 100% and ready to only be on TV once every four months in no-time. Then OMG BITCHOFF LOL let’s himself in, and says Shane’s ultra-clever plan to ATTAXOR him is foiled. Goodie. So…we go to break?

Commercials. I hope they charged double for ad time during this break, with Linda’s fate hanging in the balance! OMG!

We’re back with those wacky aging non-wrestlers! Eric talks about how shapely and firm Linda’s breasts are for a woman her age (making me notice them! EW!) Then he physically prevents her from calling for help after she demands he leave. Next he holds her wrists as she tries to struggle free (vaguely, but that’s Linda’s acting for you) and tells her he’ll please her if she just lets herself enjoy it. Sorry EvilJon, but I’m thinking this is idiot writers implying, and not idiot fans inferring. It’s a fine line sometimes, but there’s nothing fine about this. Too bad Eric will be fired and up on criminal charges soon, what with the cameraman and millions of viewers witnessing this. Oh, and he mentioned beating Shane (who stole WCW what a dick) at Summerslam here, which is theoretically the plotline being advanced. In the end, while part of me objects to implying that Eric Bischoff is threatening to rape an older woman, a larger part of me objects to them doing it in such a lame way. Hopefully SK will have a fan write in to explain that their legalities are wrong.

Commercials. So, there’s a movie about a guy who used to be a big star and doesn’t mean shit anymore, and it’s starring David Spade. Wow…though I suppose he was never a “big” star.

Back in Grand Rapids MO, FRANK SINATRA JR HAHAHAHA was bored enough to be watching RAW. He doesn’t like what he sees (join the club) so he jacks somebody’s car and rides off. Tommy Vercetti? Shit! Didn’t think they’d ever let him out!

MY INTRO USED TO BE WAY BETTER is defending his title against I REALLY EXPECTED MORE OF THE BAKED ALASKA. This and the hair match are as close to reasons for getting the tape and rebeaking this properly as I was gonna find, and this match wasn’t that great. Back and forth, clashing styles, etc. Highlights include Christian hitting his inverted DDT (JR: “UNPRETTIER!”) and a ref bump. Christian tried to sneak in a one-man conchairto, but RVD Van Daminatored him and got the Lone Sta…Five Star Frog Splash. But with no ref to make the count, and those ring posts looking awfully flammable (or, if you like, inflammable,) you had to know I STOLE TAZZ’Z HEAD TOWEL was going to ATTAX. RVD dives out on him, but as usual, Kane beats him down in short order. Then he carries a limp RVD backstage as we…go to a Summerslam preview?

This Summerslam preview uses what we film students call “Mickey Mouse editing” to make people hit each other during only the most exciting notes of “St. Anger.” They make Bischoff vs Shane look kind of exciting.

Commercials. Can’t be as gross as this candy commercial with the highly penile dancing “tongue.”

TEST’S LAPDANCE PARTY…is not what you’d think. Stacey dances, and not even on people’s laps. STEVIE NIGHT RAW and SINCE WHEN DID RICO LIKE LOOKING AT GIRLS? attend. PK sums it up with “HAHA,” because PK is an idiot. It’s a shame Test couldn’t invite his old friend Val. They used to be best friends, you know.

Now…after all of that, SATARD has NOBODY BURNS BRIGHTER THAN ROB VAN DAM tied up. He pours gas on him, pulls out a matchbook, goes through a ton of matches before being handed a lit one from off-screen, and threatens to show Rob his pain. Through his gag, I bet Rob is screaming, “Dude, put me in an oven! I wanna be totally baked!” Kane announces that the fans want him to burn RVD, and therefore he won’t. It’s nice how Kane’s character gives them carte blanche (sp? Someone ask the GI Joe Plant) to book bait-and-switch angles. I wonder what SYXX-PAC thinks of these actions by his old buddy Kane?

Rear-naked choke. Hahaha. He’s fayer than Evil Chad.

HONEY BAKED HAM (I never understood why that’s funny) heads for the ring to be a Special Enforcer. Sort of a retarded Arn Anderson.

Commercials. I wanted to make some joke about BDC Diesel and BDN, the weird neon-suit villain from Trigun, but I can’t remember what BDN stands for. Oh well.

Clear out the sandbox, cause Evolution is here! The Four Horsemen are like Eggsecute in that they evolve into something shittier than they were originally. First ED “RANDY” NORTON heads for the ring. Hey Ralphie boy! Shut up. RIC FLAIR IS TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE HIM and TRIPLE H NEEDN’T TRY join our commentators, which is always great (but not really.) Triple H offers JR burn ointments, or maybe that was another week. It was gross, anyway. I wonder if bees are flying out of his mouth as he talks. Now DLOFNEP THE MAGNIFICANT is out, wondering who’s next. He dominates early, and Orton gets on offense somehow, and SK is crying himself to sleep because it’s so important that Goldberg completely dominate every match and never sell. Here’s a little exercise for all you’ses reader’s grey-matter: If the only way to make anyone in the crowd give two shits about and buy into a guy is to make him destroy everyone in his path in two seconds and never sell a thing thus destroying the credibility of everyone else on the roster, why keep him around? And maybe it’s just me, but wasn’t SK complaining when Orton didn’t eat Foley’s corpse to put himself over more or something? Anyway…Goldberg eventually takes over again, but the ref gets bumped. Austin goes in to count (why wasn’t he just the fucking ref?) and Flair pulls Austin out before helping Orton double-team Goldberg. Austin has now been “physically provoked” so he kills everyone ever while Triple H sits at the booth saying “They better not make me go down there! Don’t make me turn this car around!” Eventually Goldberg wins with the Jackhammer, which my brother swears JR called “The Jackknife.” NASH STILL HAS SOME HAIR HE WASN’T SHAVED BALD CALL MY LAWYER attacks Goldberg for that incident I barely mentioned earlier, even pulling out his powerbomb finisher, and according to my brother should yell “That’s a Jackknife, fatty!” Nash and HHH now stare and pose at each other, but as HHH tries to spit water at the top of the ramp, I DRESS LIKE A FAG FOR JESUS subpar kicks him! Then MR. CANADA attacks him, and we end the show with Jericho indicating how very much more hair he has than Nash.

Final thoughts: You’re more than welcome to get RAW back next week, Sofa.