I had a kind of weird weekend. Supes, Mideo and I chatted on Sunday, with Mideon hearing just enough to possibly be fooled into thinking I live an exciting life ala the OC.
MISSING: Sofa’s smile seems to be missing. If you know where it is, let him know. I wish I had advice to offer Sofa, but having been redirected to his web-journal, the only pertinent thing I can think of is “stop working nights.” I got into the habit once (though I was unemployed at the time which probably makes a big difference) of getting up around 2 in the afternoon and staying up until about 5 or 6 every morning. That schedule apparently works for some people, but it didn’t go anywhere good for me. Probably because I still stopped doing anything that required effort after the sun went down.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN POISON: Down low, esse. Though every time one of these comes out, I feel more ashamed of the one I started like last year. It will be finished in one, two, three, four, five calendars! Ah-ah-ah-ah!
THE IWC IS AWFUL: Yeah, so, in the chat I briefly mentioned for whatever reason, I quoted chunks of 411’a TNA Destination X recap by Larry Csonka. I hesitate to really knock anyone after that Angle/bye incident, but let’s just say Larry’s writing was entertainingly goofy and I don’t think that’s what Mr. Csonka was going for. I checked out his Experience recap (they’re stealing our WV exclusives!) and it was pretty pedestrian, though I did enjoy “He too will REST…IN …PEACE. Carlito then eats a tombstone!”
STAR TREK: No.
SAILOR MOON: My father (patriarch of the G family henceforth to be known as The Mysterious OG) has suddenly decided the VCR interferes with his cable reception and should not be connected. This makes finishing this run-through of Sailor Stars quite difficult. And I’d just got to the point where the writers, knowing the series is almost over, figure out every dramatic way to cause Usagi emotional pain and then bust them out one by one. Man, when she finds out why Mamoru hasn’t written to her…it’s just fucked up.
The Mysterious OG Loc.
Well, it’s mostly my fault (and partially Mideo’s for distracting me with that fabulous CYOA) but this is gonna take days of beaking for minutes at a time. Oh well, for the time being my biggest time pressure is to have RAW rebeaked before Velocity is ready to post.
Intro. No “last week” video? Crazy.
Our hosts are IT WAS A DAMN SET UP KING and SQUEEL! I was mildly surprised at the lack of jokes about Jerry Lawler offering you a double croissanwich…in bed.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE LAST CYOA is ready to host his Highlight Reel. I had to phrase that sentence carefully so you’d know who that was. Notice how I cleverly repeat that device in the next sentence. His melodramatic-douche-posing guest is ALSO NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE LAST CYOA. I’m fairly certain I didn’t forget a throwaway about either of them. Anyway, Jericho is on a ladder at first. Fan sign: “CHAD.” Jericho asks Randy the rather obvious question (not in these exact words:) “What prayer do you have against the Undertaker, goof?” The crowd do seem to be booing Randy more than usual. Randy reminds us of OMG HEEL accomplishments like beating Mick Foley at Wrestlemania (um…didn’t Evolution beat Rock and Sock last year?) and being the youngest ever champ and whatnot. Randy says the Undertaker “will find out that Randy Orton is full of surprises.” The best surprises always sneak up from behind. Jericho calls out a special surprise guest, who has faced the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. At Wrestlemania 8 (um…lemmie think) a man from Stone Mountain Georgia (oh. Wait, him?) it’s THE STAR OF BEYOND THE MAT. Jake “The Snake” Roberts really was one of the coolest heels ever (and not a bad face,) but as you might expect he looks like death warmed-over here. He gets a good crowd pop, though. Here’s footage from that Wrestlemania 3 bullshit with Alice Cooper AGAIN. Is that the only footage they have of…oh, there’s him scaring “The Model” Rick Martel so much, he later found Sherri attractive. His sister, Sherri. Sister Sherri. Now he uses the snake to scare a large, oddly-painted African gentlemen that neither I nor the diva-search girls can place. Jake: “COUGH you know, HACK, WHEEZE, damn it’s good to be back!” Seriously, he does not sound good. He makes Dok Hendrix sound like…I dunno, somebody with a really smooth voice. Jake says he knew Randy’s cowboy ancestors. Knew your father I did, yes, hmm! Jake: “Now, COUGH, 12 and 0 means something to me. The Undertaker’s a fine man. You see, if you’re hitting a baseball, you hit the baseball. If you’re shooting a three basket, shoot the three points. If you’re playing hockey, you play hockey. But they don’t play no more. The thing is, it’s all about timing. Timing is very important. And I know how good you are, because you were world champion! But I see that the world championship belt is not with you tonight.” Crowd: “Oooh!” Jake rambles on to say that, as a favor to Randy’s father, he’s going to tell Randy that he (Randy) is talking out of his ass when he thinks he can beat the Undertaker. Randy talks about how he’s been warned people who lose to the Undertaker can feel a deep empty pit in their souls. But Jake would know all about that. Holy shit, are they about to do an intervention for Jake? No, he’s just dissing Jake for jobbing to Taker. Now he disses Jake’s entire career. Jake goes to pull out his snake. No, not that snake. Randy tries to block, so Jake takes his time with a sloppy short-clothesline. Now Jake does jumping jacks (!? Jumping Jakes, maybe) while the crowd chants “DDT!” Randy counters, of course, into the RKO. Jericho seems vaguely disinterested in the background.
Commercials. For many years, fast-food chicken burgers have tried to run my life, to dictate my behavior, to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. Thank you, Hootie, for finding in the tender-crisp bacon cheddar ranch a burger that doesn’t tell me to behave.
I disagree, Hulk Still Rules video package. I submit that Hogan Still DOESN’T Rule AHAHAHAHAHA!
THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT’S RAMEN is out to fucking win a fucking handicap match involving one of the other Wrestlemania monkey-hunters. Sigh. His opponents are A SQUARED PLUS B SQUARED and WHEN CAN I GO BACK TO BEING TRISH’S PROBLEM SOLVER? I hope Kane didn’t use up all his satard powers helping JBL destroy the retardo belt. Kane stalks Tomko, so Christian attacks from behind. He clubbers away until Christian tries for a Canadian whip, gets it no-sold, and is alley-ooped. Kane throws staggering satard blows in the corner, then whips Christian to the opposite corner. Christian float-out, but gets caught in position for a strolling powerslam or whatever. Tomko saves with a big boot. And falls the fuck over, hahaha. Tag to Tomko, who does mounted punches. Tomko pulls Kane up and punches. He throws shoulders in the corner. Tag to Christian. Christian chokes. Kane starts fighting back, but gets stun-gunned by Tomko. That sets up Christian’s inverted DDT (a tribute to inverted Jake the inverted Snake) for 2. Tag to Tomko. He forces Kane into the corner for some reason. Christian tries to crotch Kane in the corner, but Kane’s awesome leg powar pulls Christian into the ringpost. Christian wanders away as Kane big boots Tomko. Kane gets a clothesline and a sidewalk slam as Christian stands around in the aisle. Top rope clothesline by Kane. Kane signaling for the Goozle, gets it, and the chokeslam. For 3. Play his music! JR: “Kane continues his roll to Wrestlemania!” RVD is really bummed they split up now. Christian looking under the ring for a weapon, but Kane sees him. Christian drops the ladder and runs. Kane uses the ladder to murder Tomko. He makes his pyro fire and his music plays anew. He is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH! JR says Kane is “able to use that ladder any way he wants in that huge ladder match!” Can he use a huge ladder? Oh look, Tomko is busted open.
IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE tells MEAN WOO BY GAWD GENE that various things were not Snitski’s fault, and tries to convince him to hurt Batista. Snitski: “Ric, I like where you’re going. But when I hurt Batista tonight, that will definitely, be all, my, fault! Ah! Oh! Ah!” The “ah” and “oh” represent the incredibly goofy noises he made as his face shook around with intensity. God, Snitski is just so awful. How has he not hurt Steven Richards yet? I think there’s a comic aspect to his incompetence that’s somehow missing from Heidenreich, though. And I have yet to hear Masters speak. My loss.
Hey, if Snitski replaces Batista in Evolution, can Randy Orton be replaced by…I dunno…Bushwhacker Luke’s handsome tattooed son who poses like a douche?
Commercials. But how does eating a Snickers allow you to defeat Evil Panda?
Our Lugz new #1 Stunna of the Week is Hemme’s sad, sad spiritual victory over Trish last week.
THE EYEHOLE OF THE SKULL ON MY SHIRT IS WHERE EDGE STARTED HIS GROPINGS is “training” THE ULTIMATE PROOF OF HOW AWFUL THE DIVA SEARCH WAS. Uh-oh, ACTUAL CHAMPION WRESTLERS in the form of Regal and Tajiri appear. Wackiness is sure to ensue! Did Regal just call Tajiri a “filthy monkey?” Hemme watches Tajiri throw kicks at whatever you call those padded blocking things, as held by Regal. In theory, she’s learning how to counter Trish’s kicks. Hold a padded blocking thing, and encourage Trish to kick it. Regal now has Christy throw kicks. She does. A lot. He tells her to kick harder. Just hurry up and kick him in the nuts and end it, ok? Regal: “You don’t have what it takes, do you, to beat her?” Christy: “No!” She kicks him in the nuts. The girls apologize, then laugh. Yes, genital mutilation is funny!
In another, more homosexual backstage area, MIRRORED CHAPS MEANS WRESTLEMANIA DAP gets a surprise visit from MY FAVORITE TAG TEAM PARTNER WAS LEIF CASSIDY. Yes, for whatever reason Marty Jannetty is on RAW. I have my doubts that he will win on Smackdown. Shawn dumps on Smackdown and suggests a Rockers reunion, tonight! Are you forgetting the Barbershop window, Marty? This man CAN’T BE TRUSTED.
Commercials. Was “your heart can only go forward” a Yuna joke? I don’t know my Devo lyrics well enough to be sure. But I, wear a hat, and I, have a job, and I, bring home the bacon, so that, no one…uh, knew.
Our Stone Cold Stunnar of the Week is Austin historically riding around in a truck and attacking Vince McMahon. Lawler: “Just think, Stone Cold may drive up to Piper’s Pit in a zamboni! You never know what that Rattlesnake will do!” He’s not going to do that, retard. You know, I really hadn’t missed JR’s “Stone Cold is doing something” orgasms.
NOTHIN’ GONNA STOP, ME, OOF! is Shelton Benjamin being jumped from behind by Edge. Nickname economy. Edge pitches Shelton head-first into the little screen that just flashes the RAW logo. He stomps on him and just generally kicks his ass on the entryway. JR: “He’s got a very negative aura surrounding him right now!” Edge whips Shelton into the steps, then into the security railing. The fans tell Edge he sucks. Clubberings on the outside as our commentators note that the bell never rang, so Edge cannot have a delicious Dairy Queen treat. Edge sends Shelton into the steps again, and for some reason this doesn’t suck. Edge sends Shelton in and sits on him for the bunches o’ punches, but the ref physically pulls him off. Edge tries for stompings, and the ref pulls him away again. The ref (Chioda, I think) asks Shelton if he’s ok to start the match. Shelton, barely coherent, says he can. Chioda calls for the bell, and Edge IMMEDIATELY clotheslines Shelton to the floor. Edge gives us a toothy grin. This is how heels should act. Let’s take a break.
Commercials. Little kids sell Gatorade lemonade at major sporting events and at severe risk of a lawsuit.
We’re back, and Edge has killed the commercial break with a rear-naked choke. Shelton fights out during a replay of the initial beating. Shelton hits the ropes, but runs right into a knee. Edge sets Shelton up on the top rope. Edge goes up for a superplex…but Shelton fights him. Headbutting Edge off, and Shelton gets a top-rope clothesline! Both men slow to rise, but Edge eventually takes over and…runs right into a forearm! Edge forearms Shelton right back, but Shelton springs up with a shoulderblock! More naptime. JR: “Come on Edge! You gotta focus, boy!” I’m glad he didn’t say that to Shelton. Edge up first, and they exchange half-dead punches. Shelton gets the better of that. JR: “This is street! This is street Benjamin!” Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Street Benjamin? Edge sent to the ropes…back body drop by Shelton! Running knee-lift! Stingar Splash attempt, Edge ducks out of the way, and…Shelton actually lands up top! Top-rope sunset flip by Benjamin for a long 2. Ronnie Garvin beat Ric Flair for the NWA title that way when I was a youngster, and I thought it was the best thing ever. Edge tosses Shelton to the apron, Shelton tries for a springboard something, but Edge counters with a powerslam for a long 2. He does the Hoganesque fish-breathing face. Edge looking for the spear. JR: “Looking to uncoil that 6 foot 4 inch frame!” Perv. Shelton leapfrogs the spear! Shelton’s kick caught, Edge ducks the Money Clip (SHADES OF BENOIT) and somehow the ref gets kicked! Edge tries for the Edge-u-califragalisticexpialidocious, but Shelton blocks. Shelton tries for the Exploder, but Edge elbows out. Edge pushes off, Shelton tries to turn it into a running clothesline, but Edge ducks and nails the spear! There’s no ref, so Edge goes outside looking for plunder. JR says “if you will” to increase the Dusty-quotient. Edge has a ladder, pulling it into the ring, but THE MONKEY IN THE BANK MATCH WAS MY BABY, AS IS THE MONKEY comes out of nowhere to jump on the ladder and smash it into Edge’s face! Last week, we are reminded, Edge cheated to defeat Jericho. Edge wanders into the EXPLODAH, the ref is back, and that’s a win for Shelton!
Here’s footage from Wrestlemania 7, where the Rockers defeated The Powerful Faces of Painful Fear. Or Fearful Pain. Whichever. Oh shit, the Powers of Pain were Warlord and Barbarian, not Barbarian and Haku/Meng. Eh, who cares? Nobody round these parts remembers who Warlord was.
Commercials. My birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks. If only Amazon let multiple people pitch in to buy Tomo DVDs. When my birthday does come, I fully expect Slade to make fiery Satanic symbols appear on my arms.
JR: “It’s hard to believe we’re only three weeks from Wrestlemania!” I have to agree. We’ve got, like, two matches with some build to them, and that’s it.
LEGENDARY RIP-OFFS OF THE LEGENDARY ROCK N’ ROLL EXPRESS are out to face THE ROCKER STOPPERS. Rocker Stoppers are akin to Hammer Jammers. In a truly rockin’ moment, the Rockers actually use the old Rockers theme and we get to go a whole week without hearing “Sexy Boy!” I hope Sofa watched, because Marty Jannetty is using up tassels like they’re going out of…excuse me, like they’ve long been out of style. Marty and Grenier start. Who will be shittier? I’m gonna go with Grenier. Grenier gets an arm-wringer, but Marty reverses and then does a flippity armdrag! Another armdrag, armbar, and Grenier escapes, only to get armdragged again! HBK, bless his little heart, leads the fans in a “Marty” chant. Grenier finally gets out and tags in Conway. Double armdrag by the heels, then Grenier walks over Marty’s chest on the way out. JR talks about how much success the Rockers had before going their separate ways. He makes it sound so nice! Conway tries for a clothesline or something, but Marty ducks under and tags in Michaels! Most of the crowd pops, but some boos are audible, which I find hilarious. Conway sent to the ropes…double armdrag, double elbow drop, and double fucked-up kip-up. It was beautiful, both Michaels and Jannetty barely managed to not fall over after messing up on their separate kip-ups. Now both Rockers knock Grenier to the floor, both Rockers not Conway outside, and they play to the crowd. Double slingshot plancha! La Resistance shouldn’t have wandered next to each other. This is fun, actually. Michaels out to send Grenier (the illegal man) back in as Marty finally gets sent to the corner. Grenier reverses a whip, and Conway pulls down the ropes to send Michaels crashing to the floor. Conway drops Michaels across the security rail, then sends him in for Grenier to cover for 2. Tag to Conway (who was legal,) who pounds away on Michaels in the corner. The referee, strangely, forces Conway and Grenier to switch so the actual proper legal man is in. Grenier suplexes Michaels for 2. Conway tagged in, and La Resistance do boring double-team stuff. Grenier with a modified ninja-chokeout, but HBK fights his way up. Looking for a tag, but Conway knocks Jannetty off the apron. La Resistance double-teaming behind the ref’s back…HART ATTACK! Hahaha. The Rockers probably feuded with the Hart Foundation at some point. Probably for a billion years, actually. Jannetty breaks up the pinfall with a baseball slide dropkick. Conway in, sending HBK to the ropes and hitting him with an elbow. Conway: “HBK, eh?” He said it all frogilly. We know you’re American, dude. Tag to Grenier. He punches. HBK fights back with chops. Even in the midst of a Rockers Reunion match, this elicits woos. Michaels whipped to the ropes, but he gets the flying burrito. JR: “Michaels explodes into the face of Grenier!” Michaels nips up, sends a charging Conway barreling into Grenier, then does a fancy rolling tag to Jannetty! THE CROWD EXPLODES! Well, they did pop. Jannetty cleans house with punches and slams. Dropkick for Grenier. Conway reverses Jannetty’s whip, but gets facebustered and dropkicked anyway. JR: “That canvas is not covered with barbeque sauce!” More’s the pity, thinks JR. Grenier finally gets a clubber from behind, and tries a press-slam, but Jannetty slips out. Looking for…THE ROCKER DROPPER! HBK superkicks Conway like a dick so the Rocker Dropper doesn’t end it. Except he probably superkicked the illegal man back in the day too, so nevermind. That was a lot more fun than I expected it to be.
FOLLOW YOUR NOSE strokes his title in an unsettling way. DOUGDONGO DISLIKES SMOKE wants to know if he wants to carry more bombs. Actually, Ric reminds Trips that a year ago today he tapped to Benoit. And a week ago today, his hammer got broken. But now, when Trips beats Benoit, Ric figures no one will remember last year, when he was “squealin’ like a pig, whinin’ like a baby!” Heh.
Commercials. Keep rockin’ baby.
SHADES OF DENEB is interviewed by TELEPROMPTER CONSULTANT. I’m glad Mideo knew her name, anyway. Maria gets uppity, so Trish kicks her ass and throws her into some trash cans. MARRY ME TRISH! I never really liked Sheniqua. FIT FUCKING FINLAY makes a special Saint Patrick’s Day…week appearance to check on Maria. Later tonight, he will sing the lilting Irish ballad, “When Irish Guy’s Are Retirin’.” Maria yells like she’s in a porno.
I USE “FAT BOY” LIKE TAZZ USES “GIRL PANTS” has more words of wisdom for “AH! OH! AH!” He tells Snitski that Batista is a “bad boy.” DAVEY BOY BATISTA THE WASHINGTON ANIMAL surprises Flair, who then screams at him like a fucking maniac. There’s no point transcribing this, it’s all in Flair’s “my head is about to explode” delivery.
OPERATION, THE WACKY GAME FOR GOOFY DOCTORS is out first in this apparently non-title match. Here’s his entrance. So, how are you guys? Oh, wait, commercial break.
Commercials. Tired.
Flair is out now, but he’s getting at least one more nickname tonight I’m sure. All I’m doing with him is leeching off Carlito’s Quest anyway. WHY DIDN’T I APPEAR AS A MOBLIN OR SOMETHING is out to lose that “perfect” record against Triple H. I guess he hasn’t lost to Trips since the build to Mania last year, but I’m sure he lost before that. I hate to see them blow the kind of “the champ is awesome but this challenger always seems to have his number” vibe that leads to great feuds like Flair/Steamboat. Though I guess they can still do that with Shelton if they want. Oh yeah, I forgot Benoit is a HOMETOWN HERO! LOUD “YOU TAPPED OUT” chant to start. Lockup, Trips goes behind with a waistlock takedown, they fight over some holds and shit, and…do some more with Trips eventually bailing to the ropes. Trips shoves Benoit, Benoit shoves Trips, and Trips goes for something but Benoit does a double-leg takedown and attempts the Sharpshooter early. Trips gets the ropes, so Benoit yanks him out of the ropes and drops him on his back. Benoit gets a headlock. Trips works his way to his feet and powers out, but eats a chop. Side-headlock takeover by Benoit. Trips gets up again, and punches his way out. Benoit sent to the ropes, but he shoulderblocks Trips down. Trips tries an armdrag, but Benoit manages to turn it into a backslide, but Trips is too strong and manages to flip Benoit. Benoit lands on his feet, Trips takes a swing, and Benoit tries to stuff him in the Crippler Crawlspace! Trips quickly gets to the ropes…no, Benoit slaps it back on right away, but Trips gets a foot across the ropes. Trips rolls out, and Flair lovingly pats him on the back. Chris reaches through the ropes for Trips, but Trips slugs him. Trips goes back into the ring, but Benoit ignores his punches and starts pounding away in the corner with chops. Snap suplex by Benoit, and Trips again flees to the floor. Benoit follows him out and chops him a few times. He pitches Hunter into the security railing as the ref holds Flair at bay. Benoit knees Trips in the face, then sends Hunter back in. One chop, and Hunter is already fleeing outside. Benoit follows, Trips goes back in, Benoit follows again, and Trips finally gets a kneelift as Benoit is in the ropes to buy some time. Commercials.
Commercials. WV presents a unified front visavee the Esuvee commercial. I can’t spell French shit. Which is probably used wrong anyway. Hey, that may be the Sour Man!
The two dudes are dueling in the corner, but Benoit takes over with chops. Trips sends him into the ropes and spinebusters the fuck out of him. A replay shows Helmsley breaking the steel steps with Benoit’s back on the floor during the break. Huneter sends Benoit HARD into the corner. JR mentions Velocity. With a lowercase v. Trips covers for 2. Trips sets Benoit up top, nd punches him right in the face. Trips goes up, but Benoit fights him off with headbutts. JR: “A headbutting machine!” Benoit tries to set up something up top, but Trips crotches him. Trying for the superplex again, Benoit tries to fight him off, but this time it connects. That’s one of the things I like about Benoit…even when he’s gonna take a move, he makes it look like he was fighting to escape and just couldn’t do it. Trips covers for 2. He stalks around. The fans tell him he sucks. Pedigree attempt, but Benoit monkey-flips Helmsley into the top turnbuckle. JR: “Those turnbuckles are not made of chocolate!” He is full of useful information on how various parts of the ring do not consist of and are not covered in food items. Both men slow to rise, and they duke it out once they do. JR: “Ric Flair…at ringside!” Lawler talks about something else. JR: “Flair at ringside, providing…amoral support for Triple H!” Benoit sends Trips to the rope, Papa Shangos, and eats a kick. Benoit staggered, Trips going for a haymaker, but Benoit ducks it and cinches a rear-waistlock! Rolling Germans! 1…2…there’s 3 and a release! Benoit pulls the thumb across the throat, Trips starts to rise…Benoit goes for Rolling Germans again! Hahahaha, you should have stayed down, Hunter. Benoit does the thumb/throat bit again, and goes up top…AIR ATLANTA CONNECTS! 1, 2…no! Trips tries to flee…leaving Benoit behind him…Rolling Germans! He gets 2 this time, but Trips gets to the ropes. Benoit with mounting corner punches, ignoring the crowd count and just flailing away with his baby midget arms for all he’s worth. Chops. He is owning Triple H right now. JR: “Chopping that huge chest!” I gotta give Trips his props…he doesn’t job much but he does sell the beatings. Trips reverses a corner whip and Benoit goes flying into the turnbuckles. Uh-oh, Benoit is selling the shoulder. JR reminds us that this really fucking good match is not the main event, Batista/Snitski is. Triple H slowly covers for 2. Trips tries the Pedigree, Benoit takes his legs out and goes for the Sharpshooter…Trips kicks out and tries the Pedigree…Benoit throws him off and gets the Crossface! Flair has the ref distracted…but it goes nowhere. Trips is fighting…his title is not on the line, but he rolls onto Benoit and breaks Chris’ grip. It doesn’t help him much, as Benoit nails him with another German! JR says Trips is going to be “suplex drunk.” Dawn Marie gets very sexually suggestive when she’s suplex drunk. Benoit trying for another, but Trips elbows out. Pedigree attempt again blocked, and there’s the Sharpshooter! Flair is on the apron, Benoit releases to knock him off, and the ref ejects Flair! Flair goes fucking apeshit, taking the ref all the way up the aisle with him. The ref thus completely misses a low-blow by Triple H. Pedigree, 1, 2, 3. Aw shit. Well, it was still a fucking good match. And I can’t exactly blame them for not jobbing the champ non-title a few weeks before Mania. I’ll stop smarking now.
Smackdown Rebound. JBL does the new “You can’t see Orlando” hand-signal. The retardo-belt is destroyed by borrowed Satard power. The wonder of the retardo-belt is gooone! Cena F-Us Theodore Long because he (Cena) is an asshole. This can only lead to Commissioner Carlito! Cena hits everyone with Mr. Lead Pipe.
Commercials. Kurt Angle and Kristy Hemme reenact the scene I always hated from When Harry Met Sally. I pretty much hate that whole movie, but, yeah. Kristy pretends to orgasm as Kurt talks about his hopping spin. The awful punchline is Linda McMahon of all people doing “I’ll have what she’s having.”
Ugh, it just occurred to me that Vince is probably saving himself for the final, and what he probably considers the funniest commercial. Maybe he and Shane will do a Luke/Darth “I am your father” thing. Oh man, how fucking sweet would it be for Chavito to be fighting Darth Vader, and then the mask comes off (which doesn’t happen, I know, bite me) and we see that it’s Chavo Classic under there? Or the same theme with a bunch of Pierroths?
Lawler and JR run down Wrestlemania crap. Lawler still thinks Austin will arrive in a zamboni. I still think Lawler’s an idiot.
THE WORLD’S GREATEST ARAB and WHATCHU TALKIN BOUT DAVARI? are named for a hilarious sound blunder and a hilarious fan sign, respectively. They accidentally played the first measure of Charlie Haas’ music before switching to Hassan’s at the end of the segment, you see. You want to know what Hassan talked about? Take a fucking guess. No, not sex with glassware.
Snitski menaced Lita in another backstage scene here but I don’t care.
Commercials. Don’t care about these either.
Our ATV vs Whatever thingie is Batista breaking hammers. Trips should make him fight The Hammer Brothers in a handicap match.
A BAD BOY is about to face a serious challenge: having a good match with Snitsky. JR: “I’d like to have him on the Oklahoma Sooner defensive line! The whole line!” I’d think at most two of them would be able to support his weight. IT’S NOT MY FAULT I STILL WORK HERE is out. And now, so are NICKNAME HHHOG and INSERT JOKE COPIED FROM CYOA HERE. Triple H whispers sweet nothings to Snitski. Circling. Gene with a headlock, but Batista sends him to the ropes. Shoulderblock, and nobody budges. Snitski challenges Batista to try a shoulderblock, so Dave feints going to the ropes, and suckerpunches him. Batista with some goofy powerslam. He yells at his old mentors for awhile, then charges Snitski, who big boots him. Snitsky hits the floor, pulls Batista’s crotch at the post, and bangs Dave’s legs against the post a few time. Snitsky goes for a leglock that involves screaming like a goof first. Batista kicks his way out. Batista punches away, but gets big booted again. Snitski waved his arms about like a pixie when he did that. Pumphandle slam. That’s his finisher, isn’t it? It gets 2. He has a finisher, I think. Snitski pulls Batista out to the apron for whatever reason, but gets kicked in the head. Batista throws him into the fence, then whips him into the post. Snitski takes a wussy version of the bump. Dave sends Gene back in for punching. Snitski whipped into the corner, caught with a clothesline. There’s another, and Batista keeps stopping to check on Trips and Flair. Gene sent to the ropes, and his pine is busted. JR: “The sultan of splat!” Ok. Batistabomb, but Flair comes in for a chop-block. Snitski and Flair stomp away. Trips is slow to follow. Snitski and Flair hold Batista so Trips can yell at him, but Batista throws both heels off. Everyone not named Dave flees, but they come back with chairs. THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE I’M GONNA GET SHOWED UP SO BAD AT MANIA comes out and attacks Snitski. I thought that feud was over? Batista busts Flair’s pine. Though with Flair, it’s more like a 300-year old sequoia buster. Triple H flees. Snitski gets chokeslammed and Batista bombed. Triple H: “Your opponent next week, is standing right behind you!” Kane is next to him, actually. Will Batista be forced to fight the referee?
Final Thoughts: That was, again, really good, though I don’t know why they had to make the shittiest match of the night the main event. I have to start finishing these beaks before 2 AM on Wednesday. If only so my final thought isn’t always “must sleep.”
