Edge didn’t screw Lita, Lita screwed Lita. It’s a good thing this happened years after the EIW “Edge and Christian meet the Sailor Scouts” saga.
G GUNDAM: Didn’t see any Star Trek, but I watched some G Gundam. Although it would be impossible to live up to the hype, I’m always a little underwhelmed by the Domon Kassu vs Schwartz Bruder Electrified Exploding Cage of Death Match.
SAILOR MOON: I saw the episode about Rei’s cousband today. The movie monster has a chainsaw, but the actual monster Aluminum Siren makes Rei’s cousin into has weird pottery weapons. I love the fact that the bird sculpture/necklace he makes for her is her most cherished possession, but she never wears or mentions it before or after this episode. Or maybe her most cherished possession is the ribbon she got from Yuichirou. That she never wears or mentions before or after its episode. Then I saw another few eps after Monday night. Including “The Kingdom of Candy” one, and this otherwise blah ep in which Sailor Moon keeps knocking shit over by mistake with her retarded angel wings.
Last week: Triple H murdered the Hurricane. But then we traveled even further back in time to watch Triple H get Batistabombed. Then we went back to slightly less far back in time and Flair got killed. We went back and forth between black and white and color randomly throughout.
Here’s a graphic for Batista vs Ric Flair. It’s a good thing Triple H appears in Flair’s graphic so we wrestling fans have a reason to care about this otherwise unknown grappler.
OPENING INTERVIEW: PANTS ARE FOR FLINGING is here. Hey, where’s Triple H! I can’t wait for my Triple H fix! Fan sign: “HBK bleeds for me.” Ew. Here’s a replay of last week OMG KURT ANGLE HAS DRAINED ALL COLOR FROM THE WORLD! How apropos. And…wait, now they show red blood? What the fuck? HBK sez he wanted to do the mutual respect thing with Kurt, but Kurt broke into RAW’s house and beat him up. “Now I’ve had my backside handed to me a number of times in my twenty year career!” Can we twist that into something sexual? Now they roll that beautiful bean footage of HBK dressing up as Luigi Mario and stealing the hometown pop from the Albany fans. “Need I remind you Kurt Angle that this is not my first barbeque? That was last week!” It made sense in context. HBK hasn’t felt that kinda rage from another man for a long time. Kinky. HBK sez Kurt Angle doubts that he (Kurt Angle) is as good as HBK. Christ. SQUIRT ANGLE COMES WITH RAGE appears on the Stupidtron. Kurt explains to us that in 1996, he tortured his body 8 hours a day training for the Olympics, and then won a gold medal on a broken freakin’ neck, but everyone kept coming up to him and asking him about Shawn’s boring-ass “neither one of us will lose a fall because we’re both assholes” marathon match with Bret Hart. He won a gold medal, and people kept asking him about some fag in glittery, quick-strip chaps who rode a little mini-bike suspended from the ceiling or whatever. Well…yeah, ok, I’d say Kurt’s motivation in this feud is pretty clear at this point.
Triple H walks around backstage. Phew, I thought I was gonna have to wait past the first segment to see him there for a minute. JR: “The Game, with Game face on, the Game!”
Commercials. I fastforwarded. I ended up doing three shifts in two days this week, so expect some combination of short-shrift and snittiness. That is too a word! Stupid word processor. Fuck, online dictionary agrees with my word processor. It’s a fucking word. It describes the attitude I project when forced to rebeak Gene Snitsky.
Our Raw is Smacktown Replay is Triple H beating up Hurricane.
THE GAMEY GAME WITH GAME FACE ON THE GAME GAMETY GAME GAME GAME takes his fucking time getting to the ring, as always. He stops and stares at…a fan? A sign? Empty space? Triple H spits water. He gives his rock-hard nipples two thumbs up. Then he does this “I could cup my own boobies” gesture. JR: “The Hurricane suffered from Gamery last week here on RAW!” We’ve all suffered from gamery. You know, when you use the last of your anti-perspirant and don’t have a chance to buy more before you need to be at work, so you kinda make due? His opponent is ROSEY IS DEAD, VIOLETS ARE BLUE. Trips tries to attack him on the apron, but Rosey blocks his punch and counters with a headbutt. Being Samoan and all. Punches. JR says Rosey is “looking for redemption.” Look, guys, it’s ok to stick with words whose meanings you understand. Unless Rosey failed Hurricane by not making the save last week, but that’s way too much thought for a potential Hurricane storyline. Big-time Papa Shango by Rosey, which Trips tries to turn into a Pedigree, but Rosey counters with a backdrop, which Trips turns into a sunset-flip. I guess the Cerebral Assassin has never seen an officially sanctioned Fat Guy Match, as Rosey simply sits on him for 2. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the closest Roosevelt will ever come to a title. Unless I’m blocking the memory of some awful tag title reign. JR tells us this is non-title, thwarting my point but adding great heaps of tension and drama to the match. Fatvalanche by Rosey, and there’s a scoop slam (it’s over!) Rosey goes for a second-rope moonsault for some reason. Trips rolls clear, and punches away. If he just won there, it would be like a short, shitty version of Flair/Vader. Triple H gets a running knee on Rosey, sending the big man outside. Rosey gets whipped into the stairs, so we can see how merciless (and repetitive) Triple H is. Rosey sent back in for the Pedigree and the 3 count. Oh, wait, the Anderson Spinebuster first. No comment from JR. Okm here’s the Pedigree. He yells some first. Triple H leaves the ring to get a sledgehammer and hit the steps with it. JR: “Triple H looking at that sledgehammer like it was a religious artifact!” Consult the Book of Armaments. Then he hits Rosey with it. The sledgehammer, not my geeky Python reference. My 24 inch python reference. Holy crap, Triple H is making cat noises while he does the constipated face! HHH: “YEOOOOOOOOOWL!”
Commercials. These two older folks need to go to frickin’ bed so I can use the decent TV. I need to finish this and get some sleep so I can shirk for the rest of the work week. Of course, if I actually get to keep the 8 hours or overtime I’ve accrued, that would more than cover getting the Tomo DVDs. They’ll find a way to take it away, though.
Lawler pretends he stood in line to get Christy Hemme’s autograph. Now some camera dude says…shit. Christy, clutching a pretend award: “They love me, they really love me!” That’s not even the fucking line. It’s a real-life War of the Roses. Suddenly I long for the character depth of Torrie Wilson. There’s the cover. “SADDAM HUSSEIN” is in letters almost as big as Christy gets. They should have done two covers, one with Christy standing and Saddam kneeling, and vice-versa.
HAMMER, HAMMER, HAMMER HAMMER, HAMMER, HAMMER MAN pays a visit to A CONFUSED OLD MAN IN SEQUINS. Trips talks about how his handle feels when he breaks a man. Triple H: “I just crippled Rosey. *IMPOSSIBLY CORNY LAUGH*” I may be reading too much into it, but it seems like Trips should have had a hayseed in his mouth and been square-dancing when he said that. Trips can sense that Ric isn’t as excited about Rosey’s death as he ought to be. Ric wonders why Trips thinks he can beat Batista. “You want me to die in Raleigh?” He makes a good point. Trips gives him a pep-talk that elicits some serious woos. For the Dirtiest Player in the Game, again, Ric is very easily manipulated.
PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE ON RAW WHO DOESN’T SUCK is joined by EDGE. Haha. I stuck up for Edge last week, so he got a swelled head and bagged Lita. Anyway, it’s Christian, Jericho, Benoit, Benjamin and Edge all wondering why they’re in Bischoff’s office. BILLY BISCHCAKES comes in to explain. These five guys and a mystery dude will participate in a “6 Man Monkey in the Bank” match. Oops, I meant money. That’s too precious to correct. Anyway, the first man to reach the briefcase (which Bossman will occasionally lift towards Heaven) gets a title shot at the time of their choice, any time between the night after Wrestlemania to next year’s Wrestlemania. Nice. Tonight, Eric books Benoit vs Benjamin (non-title, dooming Shelton,) Edge vs Jericho, and…Christian puts an arm on Eric’s shoulder and thanks him for the night off. No, it’s Christian vs the sixth man. Well fuck, it’s gonna be somebody awful who will destroy Christian. And this was kind of a no-lose line-up for awhile there. Christian looks around, even briefly catching the eye of the brother he brutally betrayed and later made-up with off-camera.
Commercials. Yeah, Jose and his poetry sucks. And if this other guy’s poetry inspired Jose to write, I’m gonna suggest that maybe he wasn’t a genius with the potential to change the world. Oh so dark.
There’s a ladder at ringside now, because wrestling fans are retarded and need constant reminders of all selling points of Wrestlemania. C-SQUARED (w/I CAN USE CAPTAIN CHARISMA’S NICKNAME IN THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM TO SOLVE SIMPLE TRIGONOMETRY PROBLEMS) are here. C Squared and T Squared. Since his initials are TT, Tyson is eternally connected to the Teen Titans. Were Cyborg to emerge from a metallic goat, he’d be forced to yell “BLEAT-YAH!” Christian’s opponent and the mystery sixth man they had no plans for for Wrestlemania is THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE THIS SUCKS. JR: “I think I have a clue!” I beg to differ. JR: “This is not the name, the man, that needs, that Christian was looking for!” Lawler is doing well tonight as far as not saying insanely stupid things. So, yeah, they take five actually good wrestlers that I like who can all pull of a kick-ass spotfest with some wrestling thrown-in, then toss in Kane to send it straight…to…Hell by gawd. Just make it quick, Kane. Christian attacks to start. JR sez Kane was only ever in one ladder match (HE WON BEATING MULTIPLE 2-MEN TEAMS WITHOUT HIS LOWLY PARTNER HURRICANE TO HELP HIM) while Christian has been in many (LOSING EVERY SINGLES LADDER MATCH HE’S EVER BEEN IN.) Kane shoves Christian off, beals him into the corner, etc. Press-slam into snake-eyes. Uppercut. Kicking. Punching. Christian whipped into the corner, but Christian avoids a charge. Tyson clotheslines Kane down on the apron. Christian goes into boot-choking mode. Tyson with another cheapshot. The crowd is all over CTCT tonight. Christian chokes and yells. Slappery, but Kane brawls back. Christian ducks a right and gets a sleeper. Kane sells it for a shockingly long time before turning it into a sideslam. Christian whipped into the corner and clotheslined. Another corner whip, and a strolling powerslam off the rebound. Goozle attempt, but Christian ducks it, and…runs into a big boot. Kane goes up, kicks off an attacking Tomko, but misses the flying clothesline. Christian charges…right into the Goozle. Chokeslam, 3 count. Lawler says Kane made a deposit in the money in the bank match. He needs to deposit more sperm in Lita so Snitsky has something to do. Yeah, deposit more sperm in Lita. Everybody’s doing it. Now Tomko attacks Kane with the ladder, but leaves with Christian so Kane can stare menacingly. What an awful little mini-feud that will be. Hey, maybe it will take Kane out of the Monkey on a Pole match! The original Monkey on a Pole match involved climbing Ivan Pustki to grab a monkey, which you could then use as a weapon. Against the turkey. Wielded by the Gobledeygooker. Bet you didn’t know Team Gobledeygooker dominated the Team Challenge Series.
OH NO WHAT IF SNITSKY WERE TO KILL MY PICTURES OF SHAWN STASIAK? tells MORE BORING THAN A MID-80’S WWF COWBOY he looks “hot.” He’s going to make a big announcement NEXT! DON’T MISS THAT! WOW!
Commercials. Extreme Juicy Drop Pops are for people who want pops with an inadequate starting juiciness level.
Lawler didn’t realize they were back on the air, which is why he was enjoying his delicious hot chicken…chicken bacon ranch sub from Subway. Subway, eat fresh. JR tries to show off by telling Lawler that’s the official sandwich of Wrestlemania, but Lawler one-ups him by saying it’s the “official toasted sandwich” of Wrestlemania. The official non-toasted one is a ham sandwich delivered by Triple H. Normally I disregard their commercial endorsements, but since this one is clearly a spontaneous and real shoot that launched Tazz’z shades miles from his eyes, I now crave a hot sub from Subway. Plus some Mug Root Beer. I wish the foam to go straight to my brain. Shades of Starfire. She’s apparently a huge fan of Mug.
Rowdy Subway Piper will interview Toasted Stone Steve Fresh at Sandwichmania.
COUNTDOWN TO CHICKEN TERIYAKI is here. I gotta drop the Subway thing. JR: “The winner’s gonna win!” I cut off his sentences wherever it’s most convenient for me.” YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME BUT I WAS SECRETLY BORN IN AMERICA AND THEN MOVED TO CANADA, OR AT LEAST THAT WILL BE THE CASE SHOULD I EVER TURN FACE is, um, a stupid nickname. Hey, this Newsweek cover I randomly noticed says it has an article by “Christopher Dickey.” Can you imagine if his parents named him Richard? I can. Boy howdy. Or maybe “Tiny” or “Leaky” or “Horribly Diseased.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight. Ok, yeah, a match. Edge looks at the ladder, which has been set-up anew after Tyson used it as a weapon. JR: “Well I’ll tell you what, folks, I know somebody out there is probably a painter or a construction worker, you know what it’s like to work on a ladder, fall off the top of a ladder, it hurts like Hell!” I don’t know why but that is fucking hilarious. I’M SOLD! But only because I’m a painter or a construction worker. Lawler: “I hate having to hit my head on anything other than a headboard.” Holy shit…did he just tell us he likes taking it up the ass? What the Hell is going on with RAW tonight? Lock-up, Edge forces Jericho into the corner…clean break. Another lock-up, go-behind by Jericho, and Edge reverses. Jericho gets a wristlock. Some “smart marks” who are “in the know” chant “You screwed Lita!” I don’t get chanting stuff like that at wrestlers. Is he supposed to feel differently now than he felt when his wife and her boyfriend found out because of these yahoos’ chant? Jericho gets a hammerlock. Edge reverses, Jericho reverses that, and takes Edge to the mat. He rams his knees into Edge’s wrist, then asks the ref to check for a submission. A minute in, to a wristlock. Edge forces Jericho into the corner, and gets a cheapshot on the break. Jericho reverses a corner whip, Edge dumps Jericho to the apron when Jericho charges, and Jericho ends up hot-shotting Edge’s arm. And yet, somehow, I doubt the arm will be a major factor in the finish. Jericho dropkicks Edge in the face, then slaps on a cross-armbreaker. Jericho wrings the arm some, and wakes the crowd with a reverse knife-edge. Edge goes to the eyes. Forearm to the back. Jericho’s head rammed into the buckle. The fans are starting to boo. See, for smarty-pants fans like me, this sucks because we know that all this working of the arm will having no impact on the ending, but these hicks are booing out of a more pure dislike of it’s general boringness. Brawling, Jericho ducks a clothesline or whatever and gets his “running enzoogweeree.” Those quotation marks are because other people totally call it by that name. Edge in 619 position. Shuffleyfeet attack coming up. Edge moves way early, and gives the trotting Jericho plenty of time to switch-up to a missile dropkick. Edge ends up on the floor. Slingshot plancha by Jericho. JR: “Suicide crossbody over the top!” Jesus Ross, even I know that’s wrong. Take an ad break so these guys can figure out how to not suck. The fans chant “Y2J” for the high-spot because one thing you can say about southern wrestling fans is that they generally want to get into the product if you give them an in.
Commercials. I don’t know why, but this match sucks. Haha, thanks for drawing Devil May Cry Whatever to my attention, Mideo. Dope! Blast! Crazy! Dope! Crazy! Would it kill this guy to cover his chest, by the way? The vast majority of Yuna’s dresspheres keep her belly button hidden, but we see like three outfits for this dude and none of them cover much of anything upstairs. I wonder how he looks when using the Lady Luck dressphere? *shudder*
We’re back, and Jericho is…kicking Edge in the ribs while working an armbar. JR: “If you just joined us, earlier tonight, Eric Bischoff made a huge announcement for Wrestlemania 21, a six-way, money-in-the-bank ladder match at Wrestlemania 21 involving Edge and Christian, or Edge and, yeah, Edge and Christian, and…uh…Kane…” Lawler (patiently:) “Yes.” Jericho stomps away at Edge. Now he wraps Edge’s arm around the rope. Jericho chops. Crowd: “Woo!” Jericho send to the corner, charging in with a clothesline…that connects! Jericho goes up, but Edge cuts him off. Headbutting him in the corner. Oh, I completely failed to notice that Edge’s arm is bandaged from last week’s street fight, which makes all the arm-crap slightly more bearable. Edge looking for a superplex. He gets it. Both men are dead. JR: “I don’t know how it hurt…worst!” You’re hurting my brain, JR. Edge up first, kicking and kneeing away at Jericho’s ribs. Jericho gets baseball slide kicked off the apron. Edge with a double axehandle off the apron. He tosses Jericho back in. Ninja chokeout…into a rear-naked choke. Lawler hopes Wrestlemania will have the “Wile E. Coyote” camera that let’s you watch dudes plummet to their doom from above. And hopefully kicks up cartoon dust clouds. Jericho fights out and punches away, but charges into a knee. The crowd is booing again as Edge chokes Jericho in the ropes. Shades of Christian. Haha, he improves things vastly by mocking the Shuffleyfeet dance, but his attack is cut off by a clothesline. Both men slow to rise. Jericho chops away, sends Edhe to the ropes, and gets the Flying Burrito. Shoulderblock. Edge Papa Shangos on one pass, and gets DDTed. Jericho with a rana…into the ground-based Mars Celestial Fire Surround (!?, and I’m not expressing surprise at my own nickname either) for 2. Jericho goes back to the arm, and chops, and…gets sent to the corner. But Edge charges into a boot. Missile dropkick, Lawler says it’s to the arm but I ain’t rewinding. Jericho to the ropes, and gets a bulldog. JR talks about how Jericho was born in Manhasset, a sure sign our commentators are at a loss in this match. Or just at a loss in general. Jericho with the Lionsault, it misses, but he lands on his feet…and gets big-booted by Edge. Edge acts all pissy. Edge sends Jericho to the corner, Jericho catches himself and tries to float-out with something, Edge kicks him to set up the Edgeuwhatever DDT, but Jericho…wrings the arm. Just end already. Jericho does the double-leg into the Walls, but Edge kicks out. This sends Jericho into the ref, who is knocked all the way to the floor. Edge and Jericho reverses some whips and shit until Jericho gets an elbow. They stand around. Jericho charges into a boot. Edge wanders around, and sets up the Spear. JR: “Edge ready to uncoil, you gotta believe!” Jericho sidesteps the Spear and sends Edge to the floor. Edge gets the ladder, because the ref apparently died in the bump. Jericho drop toe-holds Edge so that Edge falls face-first into the ladder. Jericho does the Lionsault, and covers for a million billion years with no ref. The he gets up and wanders around until Edge hits Jericho in the nuts with the ladder. He slides the ladder out of the ring. JR: “The smoking gun disposed of!” Shades of Butterbean. Hey, whaddya know, the ref is back! Edgeupaler, and Edge has weird leg spasms as the ref counts 3. Well, hey, I guess that DDT is his finisher again. Man, I normally like both guys, but that was a train wreck. Yes, yes train wreck, you are the train wreck.
I LIKE CHRISTY HEMME BECAUSE I HATE CLOTHED FEMALES and TINY RON are backstage. Coach sucks up to Bischoff, who likes being sucked up to. Which is surprising for AN UNPREDICTABLE TWEENER WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES! Eric sez that until Mania, Trips and Batista will pick each other’s RAW opponents, with them trading turns having to wrestle each week.
Commercials. Why should I have to add my own juice to the juice pop? How is making me work a selling point?
Hall of SHAME AHAHAHAHAHA. Nothing new here. Hey, now Hogan wants to know my plans! What am I, your back-up if Mideon is busy?
Wow, JR just called RAW “The Flagship.” I know it’s not the Muthaship. WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN THE LONGEST PEDIGREE IN WRESTLING, BORES YOU? is out. Wow, I used “pedigree” in a name that has nothing to do with Trips. It’s Randy Orton, talking about how his dad was a cowboy named Bob. “If you wanna stand alone, you gotta do something unique.” Well, if you consider standing alone to be unique, sure. Randy: “In this business, it’s definitely not all about a popularity contest.” Lucky for you, eh? Now he says he’s going to make an “impact.” And JR reminded me of the concept of Dusty Rhodes’ muthaship just moments ago! COINCIDENCE? Orton finally gets around to challenging the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. The fans boo, because you don’t get your un-over face over by making him challenge a ludicrously established and beloved face. I mean, fuck, even I’m not rooting for Orton, if only because having Orton break Taker’s streak would be stupid. I RUINED THE MOTHERSHIP AND EVERYTHING ELSE WCW comes out and congratulates Randy for his gutsy move. “The Legend Killer vs the Legend!” IRONY. Randy says that Bischoff used to run WCW, and once beat WWE in the ratings for like a billion years. “That makes you something of a legend!” Weak. Did he just say…three minutes? RKO for Bischoff. The fans cheer, which is surprising, since Bischoff is AN UNPREDICTABLE TWEENER WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES!
Here’s a rundown of the Wrestlemania card. Oh my, is that Piper hitting Jimmy Snuka with a cocoanut? Why I believe it is!
Commercials. Attention little girls trying to fit in: Subway toasted subs are your ENEMY. Also, Popeyes is catering to nudists.
Wow, I wonder if they’ll have time for Chris Masters at this rate? FORMER HORSEMAN, FUTURE FREEBIRD is here. Benoit. Hahaha. Cause he’s supposed to be from Georgia. You’d think it was funny if you knew about things that happened before Stone Cold. Lousy kids. MAYBE I CAN BE A DARK HORSEMAN climbs the ladder and poses with his title. Hey. Benoit disapproves. Check it out, RAW next week is from Atlanta. Hometown advantage for Chris. Maybe he’ll drop by Badstreet. That just happens to be in Atlanta. GA. Lock-up, and they fight for position on the mat. The fans woo for Benoit. They do another round of mat-stuff. Lock-up, and Shelton backs Benoit into the corner. Benoit shoves off on the break, so Shelton pie-faces him. See, little stuff like that is making this better than Jericho/Edge already. Benoit CHOPS Benjamin in thanks for the pie-face, but Shelton isn’t backing off and punches right back. Benoit no-sells and chops, and Benjamin sucks it up and wails on him. They just started pounding the shit out of each other out of nowhere there. Now this I like. Benjamin tries something fancy, so Benoit gets behind him and dumps him onto the apron, then chops him to the floor. Benoit sets up a suicide dive, but Shelton sidesteps and Benoit dives into the ladder! “Holy shit” chant, and he got all of that ladder. Shelton tosses Benoit in, hops up top, and gets a top rope flying clothesline with some serious height. It gets 2. Stinger Splash misses, Benoit gets a rear-waistlock, and Shelton starts flinging elbows like it’s going out of style. Benoit grits what remains of his teeth and German suplexes the fuck out of him. Rolling into 2, now 3…no, Shelton rolls forward and gets a…I dunno, cradle pin? It gets a long 2. Benoit with the running Starman chop. He clubbers…Rolling Germans again!? 1…2…and there’s the trifecta. Benoit has had enough. The thumb goes across the throat. He goes up, but Shelton evades Air Atlanta! Double A, Double A! Shelton with La Magistral Cradle for 2. some kid is almost audible. Shelton looking for a vertical suplex…Benoit counters into the crossface…but he can’t get it on and gets backslid for 2! Benoit with a double-leg takedown, looking for the Sharpshooter, but Shelton manages to roll him up and get Benoit in position for the fucking Lasso From El Fucking Paso!? No, sorry, he was looking a Boston Crab or something, but Benoit kicked him away. Shelton with the super kick, Benoit catches, FUCKING MONEY CLIP FUCKING DUCKED! You GO, Benoit! Finally, somebody shoves evidence of taking Shelton seriously enough to watch his matches. Crawlspace, and Shelton’s got nowhere to go. He tries for the ropes, but Benoit rolls him right back into the center of the ring. Man, I want to see that when they don’t have to make time for a Christy Hemme segment. Where the fuck did that match come from? Edge and Jericho got served.
Commercials. We have a new Worst Wrestlemania Movie Parody, as Undertaker simply reenacts the “Was it six shots or only five?” scene from Dirty Harry straight with no changes at all until the very end, when the joke ending is that he kills the filthy but unarmed darkie with a shotgun in cold blood. NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN MURDER! However, Taker in a Clint Eastwood toupee is vaguely amusing.
Enough nicknames for Bischoff and Coach. Mostly Bischoff. I CAN’T CHEAT RIGHT and GFDFGEDFERGFERGFREFE!!!! come in and yell about how Hogan isn’t scheduled to murder them at Wrestlemania yet.
The Smackdown Letdown is Cena losing his retardo belt. Not rebeaking it createst emotional distance, I’ve discovered, because I’d have been all hopped up about this normally.
UNCOOKED FISH AND CHIPS are reading Playboy together. PERHAPS I COULD GET A MIDRIF-SHOWING BUSINESS OUTFIT WITH BLACK VINYL AND PINK TRIM is upset.
Commercials. I need to go to bed.
Here’s a replay of last week’s Christy Chrap. WHORE calls out WRESTLER. Trish makes fun of her. Christy challenges her to a match. Trish is basically like, “Um, ok, I’m gonna fickin’ murder you.” But shockingly, BOTH MATT AND EDGE JUST LOOK SO MUCH LIKE FREDDY comes out and we learn Lita has been teaching Christy to botch moves and injure herself. Christy hits her own version of the Twist of Fate which involves holding Trish in position for it for a million years while Trish waves her arms but makes no effort to escape. Well, I get to make retarded Sailor Jupiter jokes, at least.
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Eric takes away Triple H’s hammer. Ric Flair: “We’re the Three Amigos! You, me, and the sledgehammer! What’s goin’ on here!?”
Commercials. Burger King is trying to win over the hobo market.
According to this graphic, Batista choo-choo-chooses Benoit to job to Triple H next week.
YOU WANT ME TO DIE IN RALEIGH? (w/APPARENTLY) should not be using the fucking Evolution theme, God damn it. Oh well, count my blessings, he could have used Trip’s theme. NEITHER VEGETABLE NOR MINERAL is out to an ok face-pop. Fan sign: “Batista please turn off the game.” Heh. It’s all weird and streaky though. The bell rings, and JR warns us that the fans may back Flair. Lock-up, and Flair is shoved all-the-way across the ring. He rolls outside. The fans are wooing like mad anyway. Lock-up, and the same thing happens. Flair: “Woo!” Crowd: “Woo!” Batista poses. Flair with a thumb to the eye. Batista no-sells some chops. Flair begs off, but gets sent into the ropes. Shoulderblock by Batista. Flair back into the ropes, back body drop by Dave. Ten-punch countalong, Batista stands back…Flair Flop. Flair sent to the ropes…sideslam by Batista. Trips distracts him, and Flair gets the chop block. Batista sells it like his leg was just cut off. Flair chokes. The crowd woos. Boot choking. Some fans chant for Batista. Flair pulls Batista up, goes behind him, and does another chop block. Naitch drops an elbow on Dave’s knee. Stomping the knee. And God bless him, he knows which knee he hurt. More stomping, another elbow. Flair kicks him in the fucking face. Trips calls out to the ref, and Ric gives Batista a kneedrop to the nuts. Figure-4, and Trips holds Ric’s arms…but Batista still turns it over like instantly. Ric chops away, but Batista is Deaconing-Up. Flair sent into the corner, but Batista runs into the elbow. Flair goes up…and gets tossed off the top. Ho-Train Attack by Batista. Strolling powerslam. He sends Flair to the ropes and busts his pine. JR: “How ironic! Arn Anderson perfected it!” He doesn’t do the Anderson spinebuster, JR! He never has! Trips runs in, but Dave tosses him to the floor. Batistabomb…gets 3. That was basically a jobber match. Trips is back, though, and gets a chop block. Hunter looking for plunder…he’s got another sledge under the ring! He hits the steps with it, and stalks Batista. Trips goes for the kill, but Dave snatches the hammer away! Trips backs off, and Batista snaps the hammer over his own knee! Man, I’m not complaining, but they are making Helmsley Batista’s bitch in this feud. That better not fucking mean Trips wins at Mania.
Final Thoughts: What the Hell was wrong with JR? He was noticeably worse than usual.
