Whaddya know, I taped the show successfully this week!
STAR TREK: Back to repeats this week, though at least the 3-parter on Vulcan was actually pretty good.
SAILOR MOON: I forgot how awesome Sailor Iron Mouse’s final episode (henceforth to be known as “Even More Flowers For Algernon”) is. She knows Galaxia is going to fucking kill her if she doesn’t get a “true Star Seed,” so she stops answering Galaxia’s evil black phone (of evil.) Suddenly, black phones are magically appearing everywhere (including under some dude’s hat) and every time she sees one, a funeral dirge plays. OMG SPOPPZORZ Galaxia fucking kills her when she fails to get a true star seed.
Last week, Triple H failed to heed the sage advice of Todd Grisham. Thumbs were pointed down. Are we supposed to be able to hear what anyone is saying? Cause I can’t.
IF YOU WANT TO HOOK A BEER OR SOME NACHOS OR SOMETHING, MY ENTRANCE SHOULD GIVE YOU PLENTY OF TIME is the Game. You don’t want to play him. An hour later, Trips has a mic. He stands around looking intense for a while. Rawr Triple H angary. Does that fan sign say “the francHHHise?” It should say “Mayor McHHHese” instead. Triple H tells us that he is Triple H, the Game, and the best in the business. “That my friends is a fact!” Ah, Triple H and I are friends now! Batista “sat under the learning tree for two years.” You should have taken him to the Giving Tree, Trips. He’d be a generous animal. Always willing to part with some of his psychotic anger. It’s cosmically weird that Trips says that the week we get a KOTRbeak where Taker says it. The Learning Tree is TAKING OVER. Trips: “He is a 300 pound child, and in this ring, I am his father!” That’s not true! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! (Search your feelings JG, you know it to be true!) NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Why am I being addressed by CRZ’s self-doubt or whatever? Trips talks some more before JUST CALL ME “CITIZEN SCREWED” comes out. Christ Hurricane, you sure know how to get nonsensical title shots. According to the Stupidtron, it’s actually “The Hurricane Rosey” who is about to die. Well, at least this saves him from getting his nose broken by Chris Masters. Trips meets him coming through the ropes with a kneelift, sending Hurricane to the floor. Trips follows him out, smashes him into the steps a few times, and gives him the bunches o’ punches. Now he drags him over to the security ramp, and Pedigrees him. The match is a No Contest, I believe. Nice garbage-bag cape, Hurricane. Trips gets back in the ring, grabs the mic, and says if Batista shows up, he’s gonna beat him up. This show has not started well.
Commercials. StarFox something. Mideon is gonna have to cope with not having StarFox games on his PS2. Because owning a PS2 somehow prevents him from playing the systems he already had. Somehow.
The WWE Rewind is Benoit being sick of Hassan being undefeated while still managing to suck.
And speaking of the FOREIGN DEVIL from Michigan or wherever Hassan is from here comes AMERICAN TALIBAN, STAY AWAY FROM MEEEE, AMERICAN TALIBAN, MAMA LET ME BEEEE (w/THANKS TO THE PATRIOT ACT I HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF ILLEGAL SEARCHES AND COMEDIC SEIZURES.) Actually, ALL-AMERICAN CHRIS BENOIT came out first but I screwed up. JR: “A night of retribution here from the Dunkin Donuts center!” Hahaha, I blanked on that if they mentioned it earlier. Lawler claims this is JR’s favorite arena. Oh-so-svelte Jerry Lawler. Jerry: “This Hassan’s head is getting too big for his towel!” He should wear something more dignified, like a BURGER KING CROWN. Benoit pounds away to start as Davari screams like a maniac. Hassan tries to reverse a whip, but somehow fucks up and spins himself around. He stumbles into the ropes and Benoit clotheslines him, then gives him a snap suplex. Chop. Another. He sends Hassan into the corner. Hassan tries to brawl his way back, but Benoit just chops the shit out of him. Back suplex by Benoit. Davari yells “stay aggressive” as Hassan is getting his teeth kicked in by Benoit. Hassan reverses a whip and gets a back elbow. Benoit punches him down anyway. Benoit with a whip and a Papa Shango. Hassan kicks him, but an attempt at a follow-up clothesline is converted into the Crippler Crawlspace! Davari hops on the apron, so Benoit immediately releases to give chase outside of the ring. Hassan sneak-attacks him on the outside with a clothesline. Hassan rams Benoit into the apron, rolls him back in, and drops a few elbows. Stompery. Choking. The fans chant “USA.” Sigh. It’s those liberal New Englanders, rooting for the anti-war Hassan against the foreign hawk Benoit. Southerners would NEVER chant USA in a case like this. Hassan with a front-facelock, a few forearms, and a suplex. Davari, or possibly the ref: “You gotta cover him!” Benoit kicks out at 2. Ninja chokeout by Hassan. He releases to stomp some, then do some choking. Benoit chops his way back, but gets whipped into the buckles. Muhammad with a nice backbreaker for 2. Hassan slaps on a gay-ass rear-body scissors. Now a full-on rear-naked choke with plenty of disturbing gyrations. Benoit squirms free (heh heh, he just kinda squirted out of there) and just starts wailing on Hassan. Benoit cradles Hassan for 2. Clothesline by Hassan turned into a backslide by Benoit for 2. Hassan tries a vertical suplex, but Benoit slips out and tries the Sharpshooter…no, Hassan kicks out. Benoit ducks a clothesline and gets the Rolling Germans. He gets 2 of them, but Hassan reaches the ropes. He elbows out of the rear-waistlock, and Benoit’s head snaps right into the head of referee “Possibly Chad.” Davari gives Hassan the ring bell, but Benoit gets a release German. Benoit going up for the Air Georgia, but he doesn’t know Hassan has the bell! Wolverines can fly King, and…he appears to hit Hassan cleanly without hitting the bell. Huh. Oh well, Davari wakes the ref and removes the bell, and Hassan covers for…barely 2. Huh. Benoit punches and chops away, and goes for a rear-waistlock, but Hassan does the old Ric Flair trick knee. In plain sight of the ref, who DQs Hassan. Well that ending sure was awful. Davari celebrates by screaming incoherently.
In insider news, lots of news sites have stolen news from Meltzer or Scherer whoever that Hassan fucked up the ending and an audible was called from backstage. So Benoit was supposed to fucking lose to that kid. Who is apparently going to face Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania. Christ Vince, he’s not even juiced-up!
Here’s a replay of the really awful interview chick being awful as Edge attacks Shawn Michaels. Tonight, a Street Fight. Thanks to a local house show ad that played a million times, I cannot hear the phrase “Street Fight” without picturing Kane scrunching his face up and staring at me all spooky-like.
Commercials. The evil, hate-fueled monster Trish Stratus thinks we should try the new Stacker 2 XYZPDQ. It helps crush her cravings. What about your cravings for mayhem, Jezebel?
You know, if I may digress for a moment, I seem to recall a time when rookies wrestled other rookies in the undercard. And everyone sort of improved together while the top guys carried the big matches. I mean, yeah, it means you see every match-up a billion times over the course of a decade (like Bret and Shawn tussling as halves of their respective shiny-pants tag teams, or Rookie Sensation Rocky Miavia wrestling the Greenwich Snob Hunter Hearst Helmsley,) but at least they got a chance to be not that good before they were supposed to be defeating former Unified Champions and stuff. I can’t really tell if Hassan is any good because he’s always going up against veteran guys who have him completely outclassed. Oh nevermind. I’m thinking back to a time when you only got one “competitive” match a week anyway.
The latest addition to the WWE Hall of Fame is HUMANITY UNDERSTANDING LOVE KINDNESS. Psh, what did he ever do for wrestling?
Seriously, who’s left for next year? Kama? Tito Santana? Unless they make up with some of the crazies, they’re gonna have to induct NWA guys or something. Whoa.
MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS “ANIMAL HOUSE” arrives, like twenty minutes late for work. Dock his pay. MY ASS SAYS “COACH” want interview! Or maybe he just wants to warn him that Triple H plans to attaxor. Coach: “Hey listen, I don’t know if anybody’s buzzed you yet, but Triple H was just out in the ring a few minutes ago; he said he was gonna beat you within an inch of your life as soon as you showed up.” Dave looks around, mock-scared. Batista: “As soon as I showed up?” Coach: “That’s what he said.” Batista: “Was he mad when he said it?” Coach: “He was pretty mad.” Batista: “Was he all FIRED UP?” Hahaha. Coach: “You know how he gets!” Batista: “Well I’ll tell you what, when I see him, I’ll thank him.” Coach: “What you gonna thank him for?” Batista, after pausing to take off his shades: “For unleashing the animal.” Well, that stopped making sense real quick.
Meanwhile, I’M ALL FIRED UP and FLAIR FEAR FIRE UGH UGH are in their lockerroom. Flair wants Trips to attack, but Trips has a better idea that involves stalling for another commercial break.
Commercials. I just don’t get this “Big Rock Candy Mountain” Burger King commercial.
Playboy crap. Man, psycho red-head is really, really awful, isn’t she?
HE’S A CRIMINAL! *SQUEAL* breaks with tradition by coming out first in his title defense against MY BABY-KILLER WITHDRAWL IS SO BAD I CAN’T KICK STRAIGHT. I don’t know why Lillian called Shelton “Sheltaaaan, Benjamaaaan!” JR sez if Shelton gets DQed tonight, he will lose his title. They wouldn’t dare. Snitsky opens with clubberin’. Kicking in the corner, yelling. Shelton punches back, but has his whip reversed. Snitsky doesn’t Papa Shango because he disapproves of Poppas and their children, but he does bend over ludicrously early. Shelton tries a sunset flip, but Snitsky fights it and grabs Shelton around the neck. Pulling him up into lifting chokehold, but Shelton…goes to the eyes to escape. Shelton tries something, but Snitksy kinda ignores him and does this bizarre tilt-a-whirl sideslam that was either a new move or was botched. It gets 2. Snitsky slaps on some horrible armlock where he bends Shelton’s elbow gently in a perfectly natural direction, and somehow Shelton fights the pain and elbows out. Shelton hits the ropes, but gets powerslammed. Snitsky yells, soliciting some bored boos. Pumphandleslam attempted, but Shelton slips out and gets an inverted DDT. Shelton with a flying crossbody for some reason, Snitsky catches it, and…tosses Shelton away at a high enough angle that Shelton can land on his feet without looking at all slick. Snitsky then big boots him. Perhaps that toss was simply meant to set up a big boot. Shelton takes a spill to the floor. Snitsky slams Shelton into the apron. Shelton tossed back in. Snitsky screams and pounds his chest like an ape. Like an ape would pound his chest, not like Snitsky pounds apes. Baby apes. Like Baby Game. Look, what do you want from me? The guy’s only character trait (killing babies) was dropped weeks ago. The angle was miscarried. Snitsky grabs a chair. They’re not even pretending this guy can win wrestling matches without using a weapon. Other than last week’s DQ win, how many guys has Snitsky even beat? He had the fluke over Kane that was avenged twenty times over, and what? He beat Maven, I think. Anyway, Snitsky has a chair, but Shelton ducks it, and dropkicks Snitsky in the back. Snitsky loses the chair, but takes over with a kick anyway. Shelton whipped to the ropes, and he counters a Papa Shango with a big ol’ tornado DDT! Stingar Splash, exploder, 1, 2, 3. Plz let this be the end of their feud kthx. Here’s a replay of the tornado DDT. Lawler: “He used all of Snitksy’s momentum here!” The incredible momentum of his stationary Papa Shango.
Here’s the Smackdown Some Gown. JBL’s celebration is interrupted by footage of No Way Out and slowed-down growly noises. JBL should have continued talking about himself and not have brought up John Cena. Talking about John Cena is practically guaranteed to summon…The Big Show. He treats guests rudely. Then John Cena comes in, possibly to make rude comments. How randy. OMG HE HIT JBL WITH A PICTURE CALL AN AMBULANCE! Your very own “John Cena couldn’t crack me and merely bent me slightly” picture.
Stay tuned for a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT about Wrestlemania. Next. I am gonna lay my reputation on the line and wager that I won’t care. Lawler: “Oh boy!”
Commercials. Bruce Willis is breaking new acting ground playing someone who has to defuse a hostage situation in which his own family is endangered. But it’s not Christmas and it’s not a skyscraper so, like I said, totally new.
The major announcement is that I GOT SEAN O’HAIRE FIRED will be having a Piper’s Pit at Mania, and the guest is WHADDYA TELL A WOMAN WITH TWO BLACK EYES? I could care less, but only if the guest was Snuka for like the third recreation of that “classic” moment. Hey, there’s the time Vince wet himself!
JR and the King assure us Piper interviewing Austin will be awesome. Hmm. If those two fellows are enthusiastic, perhaps I should rethink my skepticism.
And now, little children, it’s nose-breaking time! UNCLE PHIL WILL BE YOUR WARRIOR!!! is here. Oh, this gimmick. Yeah, yeah, it’s been done before. Luger, Jindrak, etc. But for all we know, the gimmick could work. I mean, it’s not like they’ve ever tried it with somebody good. He gets an introduction from Lillian Garcia, but there’s no chyron or intro for MARK STARR 2005 the fucking nameless jobber. On RAW in 2000-fucking-5. 1988 called, it wants it’s pre-recorded filler from a Kalamazoo house show back. So, I check around hoping to find the jobber’s name, but I find stupefying logic in support of jobber matches instead. Basically, someone said “when a new guy beats an established guy, we know it’s an artificial push, but when they beat someone we know nothing about, we accept that the new guy is better than the jobber.” Maybe this is tongue in cheek and I’m reading it too literally or something. Seems to me like reintroducing jobbers just to have the new guy beat them is a bit of an artificial push, and that establishing that a new guy with theme music, an entrance video and a nickname is better than someone whose name is never uttered really doesn’t accomplish much. Though, when dealing with fans who look for signs of artificiality in pushes, you really can’t win anyway. Let’s see if the match write-up goes as long as that thinking-out-loud session. Here’s some slow-motion replays of a fucking great wrestler getting his nose broken by this asshole. Here’s a backstage still of Steven Richards physically suffering because this guy sucks. The match starts, and Masters stiffs the shit out of the jobber with a kick. Stomping, choking, guillotine-monkeyflip. He pins the guy in the ropes. Because he’s dumb. Snake-eyes. Oh, nevermind, he clearly wishes to improve, he’s been watching Kevin Fucking Nash tapes. Clothesline from behind. You’ll never break his nose that way, Chris. The fucktard stands over the jobber and poses. He hammers him into the buckle. The jobber punches back once or twice, and JR and King go into this ridiculous spiel about hitting Masters in the face. Shades of Rick Martel, Shawn Michaels and Narcis Prince. Jobber pitches Masters to the corner, but Masters catches himself and comes back with the Polish Hammer. The Polock Joke, let’s call it. He aims a lot lower this week. Full-Boredom submission lock. Shades of Hardcore “God’s Gift to Women” Holly. The jobber submits. JR gets up and waddles to the ring for the next segment. King: “Speaking of Hollywood, even the Rock has gone Hollywood!” Oh shut the fuck up, King. I mean, “even” the Rock? The match write-up went almost as long as the pre-match thoughts, but only because I spent a sentence bitching after each move.
Commercials. So, when a new talent is pitched to Vince, I imagine he asks the following questions. “Is he a roided-up monster?” If no, nevermind. If yes, he asks, “are they even vaguely good-looking in the face? Like, average handsomeness or above?” If yes, hey, get them some mirrors and shiny tights! If no, he asks, “Can they shake violently and scream?” If yes, make them a baby-killing frozen Nazi Satanic monster or whatever. If no, he asks, “Didn’t you just say he’s a roided-up monster?”
Last Monday, THUMBS DOWN.
JOWLY REDNECK want interview! He calls out ANIMALISTIC FREAK-HOSS and his half-buttoned suit-coat. A fan sign has a hilarious black-and-white drawing of constipated Batista and says “NEXT CHAMP.” That kid’s sign is charmingly off-center. JR asks Batista “why.” Batista says he’s sick of RAW being about Triple H. Maybe we can get Batista to rebeak Afterburn. He’s our kinda folks. Batista: “Last week, the Game got played.” He was playing that new Kingdom Hearts game. Fag. Batista: “JR, do I look like I have any second thoughts?” You don’t look like you had any first thoughts AHAHAHAH POOM! Batista sez Raw is better than Smackdown. Not this week, so far. Batista says Triple H is the greatest ever. I love how even his foes are scripted to talk about how awesome Triple H is. Batista will become “the man” when he beats Triple H. In bed. THE GREATEST WRESTLER EVER (w/HIS SIDEKICK, WHATSHISNAME) come out. We heard your theme music for like twenty minutes tonight, Trips, can’t you just come out and interrupt? No, he slowly saunters down the aisle, stripping seductively. JR: “The legendary Ric Flair on one side of the ring!” Pixies on the other side, and there are leprechauns in all four corners. Flair and Trips enter from separate sides. Batista knocks down Flair, and Trips backs off into the entryway. Christ, all that build-up and he pusses out that fast? Batista gives Flair the spinebuster. Trips comes back in, and retreats again. The crowd is chanting “Batista” like mad, mostly because somebody is finally made to look like he could fucking crush Triple H the way we want to see him crushed. Batista does the thumbs-up-into-thumbs-down, which makes no sense here. Now Flair gets the Batistabomb. I don’t see how crushing his octogenarian mentor who DIDN’T betray him makes him a babyface, but then I don’t get why they killed the possibility of Flair taking Batista’s side right out of the gate either.
Commercials. Without Hardees, some guys would starve. But we can afford to lose those guys.
Our Wrestlemania Recall is Mighty Molly betraying the Hurricane via frying pan shot to win the Hardcore Title under 24/7 rules. As funny as it was at the time, it still sticks in my craw that they did nothing with that breakup. A few minutes later, Christian wins the title by slamming a door in Molly’s face in one of those ridiculously awesome moments from Christian’s life-long dedication to assholery. Christian knocked Molly’s hair off!
Triple H and Bischoff have enough nicknames. An enraged Triple H decrees Batista vs Ric Flair next week, and luckily, Bischoff’s character is in flux and doesn’t bother to agree or disagree. Oh boy, I hope next week’s show is from North Carolina! The Carolina fans love it when their hero dusts off his boots and gets his ass kicked! It’s like HBK always winning in Canada, I just don’t get the WWE’s fascination with actively pissing-off the local fans.
WELCOME TO RAW…IS…TESTING ME actually has a match with no mic-time this week. The sad thing is, after Batista, Jericho is arguably the number 2 face with HBK half-present and Randy Orton just awful. So, tonight he faces…BETTER THAN DANIEL PUDER, AT LEAST. Wow, last week Simon Dean, this week Maven…Jericho is on a roll, babay! He may get a win over Coach next week if he keeps bringing his A-game! JR says Maven has always had trouble connecting with the audience. Ya think? Jericho throws forearms. Stomping. Kicking away in the corner. Chops by Jericho. The fans pop for Ric Flair. Maven tries something, but Jericho clotheslines him and suplexes him across the rope and gets a springboard dropkick to send Maven to the floor. Maven slammed into the barricade, then sent back in. Jericho lines up a nasty punt-kick to Maven’s ribs. Jericho sends Maven to the corner, but Maven ducks the rebound bulldog and gets a sort-of backdrop snake-eyes to take over. Maven stomps, then…rubs Jericho’s face in the canvas. Maven pulls Jericho up and chokes him in the ropes. Now he leaves the ring and chokes Jericho against the ropes some more. A cover gets 2. Work the back! Set up the Arch Deluxe! Maven punches some. Hitting the ropes, but Jericho springs up and gets a back elbow. And something else. Maven ducks a clothesline, but cannot escape the running enzoogweeree. Maven falls into the ropes for the Shuffleyfeet/body attack combo…but he ducks! Jericho lands on the apron, however, and goes up…scoring with a top-rope back elbow. Walls of Jericho, Maven taps. Nothing wrong with the match, but how did this end up on RAW while whatever things Christian, Orton, the tag champs, Kane, and anyone I may be forgetting did are gonna end up on Heat? Jericho has DA STICK. He points out that since neither he nor anyone else remotely good on RAW not named Batista (and maybe HBK, if by good you mean capable of good matches when he feels like it) are doing anything at Wrestlemania, some big clusterfuck with a ladder should happen. I’d prefer compelling feuds, but I must admit I’ve heard far worse ideas. Hulk Hogan vs Muhammad Hassan, for one.
Fuck, the red-headed Playboy bimbo is walking backstage. Just, no.
Commercials. The newest WWE Goes Hollywood commercial is Cena as Tom Cruise and JBL as Jack Nicholson (with Coach in a cameo as the judge) in A Few Good Men. Ok, now we at The Weekly Visitor have a weakness for JBL and his Cabinet, but this went on and on with no punchline in sight, and ultimately, no punchline. It was just both guys playing their parts seriously and trying to make dialogue from a dramatic film about murder on a Marine base somehow be about Wrestlemania. And there was no joke ending, which completely went against the theme of the ad campaign. So I glance around the net, and every single review I read commented both men on their acting (reading lines is part of their jobs, mind you, and both were simply parroting an existing performance) and nobody seems bothered by the fact that the whole thing went nowhere. I mean…ARGH! That said, if JBL could do the wrestling part of his job as well as he acts, I’d probably really like him. And Cena…I’d hate less.
Something happens with Trish and the Playboy bimbo. Trish is trying, and it’s not her fault, but I’m not watching this again. It ends with Trish spraypainting a KO’ed Christy. OMG THE NWO IS COMING BACK!
Commercials. Spike’s ad for their new “Films of Fury” is pretty racist, but it could easily have been more racist. Go all out or don’t bother.
It’s snowing outside in Rhode Island. Looks pretty nasty, really. I’m more interested in discussing the weather about nine hours away from me, several days ago than I am in discussing Christy Hemming.
Sorry, Hemme.
STACEY AND SOMEONE WHO ISN’T STACEY are the arm-candy of *SUPERSTAR* IS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER SUPERSTARS. Billy Graham. That evangelical dude. Too sweet to be sour, to old to be known by me outside of guys referencing him. Ric Flair will never have that problem (because some day his zombie body will be jobbing to whoever Triple H’s grandson is facing at the next ppv.) Billy Graham has a surprisingly effeminate voice. And a goofy “Native American hangy scarf thing”/black leather jacket combo. DADDY CALLS ME HIS “SPECIAL LIL’ DEPUTY” sees Graham trying to steal his girlfriend or whatever. Orton calls him “Graham.” Superstar suggests Orton do something totally unique and different that no wrestler has ever done before. HIS FUCKING FINISHER IS THE FUCKING DIAMOND CUTTER. Orton was thinking exactly along those lines. How original! And now the camera zooms in on Smackdown magazine (OMG HAXXORED FEED) and a cover story about how Taker has never lost at Wrestlemania. What does this do to the Taker/Kane vs Heidenreich/Snitsky Dream Match!!!
EVERYONE AT WV HATES ME BUT JG is interviewed by NOTICEABLY WORSE THAN THE OTHER DIVAS. Edge is all pissed off.
Commercials. Some day this week you can go to a sports collectables store near here and pay like fucking (I’m saying fuck a lot tonight) $35 to get Randy Orton to sign something for you. Completely reaming people for an autograph. Something no wrestler has ever done before.
I maintain that Edge is a more entertaining wrestler than Christian. Not character (though he’s pretty good there,) but wrestler. Christian had the kick-ass cage match with Jericho, but Edge was pulling off great matches with Guerrero and Angle before his neck ate a boat. Edge as a face or heel is way less into choking than Christian, who has never been forced to play face and could well be even more awful than Edge. And HBK, hate him or loathe him, puts on a good match when he feels like it. Therefore, this match has a chance to redeem this stinkburger of a show.
Yep, it’s time for a Street Fight. It’s KEN versus VEGA. I declare this to be the India stage. *16-BIT ELEPHANT NOISE* Both men are wearing shirts and jeans instead of tights. Edge tries to sneak attack, but HBK cuts him off with punches. HBK pulls off Edge’s shirt (fag) and takes his belt to Edge immediately. HBK wraps the belt around his fist. Should just keep whipping him. HBK stomps. Edge sent to the ropes, backbodydrop. HBK clotheslines Edge to the floor. Don’t turn into Cena/Jesus, please. HBK could never treat Edge like Jesus. Shawn punches Edge into the crowd. Edge finally punches back a bit, but HBK continues to dominate. Edge sent back to ringside, knocking a fan’s camera out of their hand as he goes. HBK takes Edge’s picture with the camera, then hands it back to the (presumably right) fan. Ok, that was pretty awesome, actually. HBK punches Edge, then gets a trashcan from under the ring and murders Edge. HBK looks elsewhere for plunder…he’s found a ladder! He sets it up…but Edge finally takes over by Pearl Harboring him with the trashcan lid! Edge punches him in the noggin a few times, then slams his face into the apron and rolls him inside. Edge has a chair, and goes in after Michaels. Edge kicks HBK in the ribs, sets up the chair, and gets chopped down. Both men up, and Edge tries for a DDT on the chair…HBK blocks the first one, so Edge yanks him right back up and tries again, this time successfully. HBK rolls outside, and he’s busted wide open. Well, that blood spread real fast so it’s probably a capsule. I find this push artificial. Anyway, Edge DDTed Michaels into a fucking chair and splits his head open, so let’s take a break.
Commercials. It started out in a Cena/Jesusian direction, but I hold out hope.
We’re back, and Edge killed the break with a rear-naked choke in the ring. HBK is lovin’ it (da da da da da.) HBK fights out and punches Edge down. HBK’s whip reversed, but Edge runs right into what JR calls “a million-dollar kneelift!” Hahahahahahahaha money money money money money. Both men do the “Devestated Dance.” It’s like Terry Funk vs Arn Anderson in there. HBK gets a clothesline, goes outside, and gets the ladder. He slides it into the ring, lifts it, and…Edge dropkicks the ladder into his face. Edge looks bloody, just from all the blood coming off of Shawn. HBK is so winning this. Sigh. Edge goes up, but HBK throws the ladder at him, and Edge goes flying outside to the floor! A few fans attempt to start a “Holy shit” chant. Michaels with a suicide dive (JR: “Suicide-like dive!”) onto Edge which looks really weird because he almost did it from a standing start. Both men back in the ring, and Michaels positions the ladder horizontally in a corner, supported by the second rope. Chop for Edge, and HBK whips him towards the ladder. Edge puts on the breaks, HBK pursues, and Edge drop toe-holds Shawn into the ladder. Nice. Edge covers for a long 2. He sets up the ladder in climbing position, scoops up HBK, and slams him. Edge goes up the ladder, splash from the second rung from the top. He covers Michaels for 2. JR thinks Edge is “one step away from lunacy!” Yeah, I’d think Edge and Christian’s favorite scouts would be either Serena or Mina. Definitely not Lita. Edge goes to the abandoned chair and he looks to have bad intentions, but HBK does a double-leg and monkey-flips Edge into the ladder! Looks to have bad intentions. Christ, JG. HBK has the chair, and he fucking waylays Edge. Edge topples to the floor. That was nice, I’m rewinding for that. Yeah, that was sweet. Edge didn’t protect himself at all, and the camera was in nice and close but angled so you couldn’t see if it was a glancing blow or if it should have taken Edge’s head off. Edge lays around on the floor for a bit before spotting a motherfucking kendo stick. Oh, now they replay the chairshot. Yeah, he got him good. Edge back in, Michaels rising slowly…HBK ducks the kendo stick and throws some punches. Ah shit. Flying forearm, kip-up, inverted atomic drop (JR: “inverted atomic drip-drop!”) on Edge, scoopslam (it’s over!), he’s really fagging up! Michaels has the kendo stick…right across Edge’s temple. HBK going up top…Macho Elbow! JR: “Driving his elbow into the psychotic torso of Edge!” His torso has killed hundreds of teenage girls. Naptime, and Michaels is up first. He tears off his shirt. Faggy hip gyrations. He tunes up the band. Edge ducks it…CHAIRSHOT TO THE NUTS! CHAIRSHOT TO THE NUTS! He had the chair under HBK’s extended leg and he just yanked up on it, jerking it into HBK’s crotch. That sentence had way too much yanking, jerking, and HBK’s crotch. Edge gets a second chair, sets up the one-man conchairto (not a spot that’s been kind to Edge,) but HBK suddenly wakes up and punches him in the nuts. JR says Michaels is almost blinded by the blood. HBK is transmitting his thoughts to JR. Though lord knows how accurate they are, since he can bend them at will to POV shots of…I dunno, gay tractor-trailer interiors. HBK has a chair, but Edge SPEARS the shit out of him. Edge covers…HBK gets an arm up at 2. Asshole. Edge…TUNING UP THE BAND! HAHAHA! This is SO not going to work. Edge rushes in (to spear? Superkick?) but gets met with a beautifully choreographed superkick! 1, 2, 3. Now THE E OF TEAM ECK rushes in out of nowhere and attaxors! Release German! Ninja chokeout! MY GAWD, NINJA CHOKEOUT! He’s got Michaels’ blood all over him, which is pretty awesome. Loud “YOU SUCK” chant as Angle just pounds away on HBK. He pulls Shawn up…Angle Slam! Angle’s GOT DA STICK. He lies down in Shawn’s face. Angle: “Shawn Michaels? As far as your challenge at Wrestlemania’s concerned: I accept.” Nice. That was all just really, really nice. I don’t even care that Edge lost. Not much.
Final Thoughts: Well, the main event was good. Circumstances prevented it this week, but if I can’t find a way to consistently get these shows rebeaked in one or two sittings, JGbeaks are going to continue to devolve into a string of f-bombs. Devolution is a fucking mystery. Chris Masters and twenty minutes of Motorhead didn’t help matters.
