Argh. Somehow, Mideo’s satellite problems psychically pushed me to fuck up taping RAW and return to my rebeaking of recaps ways. I accidentally taped what was on Cartoon Network during RAW. It wasn’t even a Teen Titans I hadn’t seen. And I don’t have the imagination to make something up for RAW. Well, not for a whole 2-hour show, and not when having actually seen most of it would color my RAW fantasies. Yuck, what an awful turn of phrase. Anyway, I saw the lion’s share of this, so let me borrow the work of some other netizens to guide me in this crappy pseudo-rebeak that Boobermonkeys gets to skip. I’m going to go with Scott Keith, our frozen neighbor from the chunky North and hater of all things that aren’t named “Chris.” And it wouldn’t be right for InsidePulse’s rival pilfered news publisher not to be represented, so 411mania will also be all up in this hizzy. I’ll go with J.D. Dunn because I can prove he knows I exist, and winning the recognition of your peers (by which I mean them recognizing that you are technically wasting your free time in the same way they do) is…I’ve lost the thread of this sentence. Sorry.
So yeah. Rebeaking recaps. I’ll try to rebeak one of the wrestling videos Supes and I rented last weekend to make up for it. But first…
THIS ONE’S FOR SUPES!!!! Super Asia moved out to start his new job a few hours away. It’s not a huge deal, but I didn’t want anyone to wonder why I stopped quoting him four or five times a match.
STAR TREK: I guess being sort of kind of a traitor is finally making Malcolm important again. Maybe Hoshi and the Black guy can turn out to be aliens, or time travelers or something.
SAILOR MOON: Supes moved out just before the 2-part Nephlyte finale. In Sailor Stars news, there’s this scene where Taiki or Yaten or whatever the brown-haired jerk is called sees Ami’s face talking to him in a reflection, and I always picture her telling him that he’s a fucking asshole.
Ok, so, on with it. Without going into it, J.D. Dunn once said he likes my “style.” So now I picture him as this raspy-voiced, cigar-chomping old man who says things like, “You’re a class act, junior! And you gots moxie, kid!” If Coach said that to Starfire, she’d say, “Please, is the moxie contagious?” You know she would. Like most of us, I have that one picture that got on the net of Scott Keith burned into my retinas. I picture him as being rolled down a mountain by Jeff Jarrett to level Monty Brown’s mountain of jobbers.
J.D. Dunn opens his recap (or “RAWtopsy,” which I could deride with a clearer conscious if I wasn’t writing a “RAWbeak”) by talking about things other people have said about him. Egotist. Though fuck, I just quoted him talking about my style. My credibility is crushed. A heavy price to pay for a Starfire joke. J.D. Dunn goes on to offer links to neat places, including Weekly Visitor, linked last. At least we aren’t behind the defunct but lovable (but still defunct) DDTDigest. Hey, does linking us mean Mr. Dunn is going to come to our messageboard and discuss intercourse with glassware? Scott Keith gets right to the action, which is odd. Thought he was a big one for plugs. This is leading to a wholly unfair plug joke, about either hair plugs or butt plugs (drawers of ASS BLOOD) so let’s move on.
Our hosts are OVERTLY RACIST FUCK and JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER. Haha, I do amuse myself sometimes. I suppose it’s possible JR likes Black people. He thinks they live off barbequed chicken, after all. What Sofa would have called the “Opening Promo Match” is THE WOMEN’S CHAMPION versues NOT THE WOMEN’S CHAMPION and NOT THE WOMEN’S CHAMPION in a three-way dance for the Women’s Title. Who are the challengers? I’ll give you a hint: neither is Lita. Trish is sporting a helluva shiner. JD offers this as evidence she’s dating Austin (heh) while Scott Keith elects to bitch about what I just indirectly bitched about through “humor,” the lack of a real women’s division now. The match was ok, with everyone doing their usual stuff. Victoria went to the “wiggle my ass around then standing moonsault” well once too often, but when Trish did her back-bridge kick escape, Victoria did fucking elbow her in the exposed ribs which was sweet. JD Dunn wants to bottle something and sell it to Mark Jindrak. I’m not telling what, it’s funnier this way. Sadly, it would not give him an erection of perfection. Molly (who I’d like to randomly remind you shaved her head for NO REASON) went for the Molly-Go-Round, and Lawler surprised the fuck out of me by calling it. It was dodged (or, if you’re Scott Keith, “blocked”) and Victoria got her with the Widow’s Peak. Ross surprised the fuck out of me by calling that. Trish snuck in and stole the pin on Molly while Victoria was recovering from not having pinned Molly. SK complains he’s seen that ending before. Throw in some mutant banana beasts from outer space next time, you lazy match-writers.
Next up, MY FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER IS WOOOOOODY WOOOOOOODPECKER chats with MY FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER IS CAPTAIN N, THE GAMESMASTER. Triple H’s nickname could also apply to Kevin Sullivan, come to think of it. Or maybe it implies he likes Kevin Sullivan. Fascinating. Neither of our intrepid recappers says anything of note (though, in fairness, neither do Ric Flair or Triple H.)
Now WHADDYA KNOW, A FEMALE RASSLER! confronts SOME BIMBOS. Oh, hey, it’s Red-Headed Spazz and the Super Bowl one, the two we’re vaguely supposed to recognize. They don’t honestly expect us to recognize the others, do they? Trish hints heavily at and comes really, really close to outright saying that neither of the divas are in her league because her league is a wrestling league and they do not wrestle. Then PlzDie.com whore makes one of them there innuendoes, and Trish smacks her. Then she says spaz ain’t gonna do nuthin’ because Trish can kick spaz’ ass and spaz knows it. Spaz ruins an awesome moment by fighting back, angry third grader who needs Ritalin style. Trish has trouble with this, much like the time I was playing Street Fighter with someone who had never played before and they almost beat me because they were hitting random buttons and I couldn’t figure out how to counter Ken’s apparent epileptic seizure.
Damn, I said way too much about that segment. Next…shit, JD Dunn has lost his mind. He’s talking to someone named “Lil’ Jon.” Little Johnny? Is JD fucking Heidenreich? Excuse me, let me rephrase. Is JD Dunn a nome de plume for John Heidenreich?
Now HEY ORTON LET’S CALL YOUR FANS “ORTONICLES” and DUHHHH OK are interrupted by I TAUGHT SPANKY TO QUIT. Both recappers flip out about how Shawn Michaels tells Orton about how he launched his career with a Wrestlemania ladder match while a ladder is right there in the background. Didn’t notice, myself. I may have nodded off briefly. Dunn talks about Orton’s seed. Keith complains about Stacey being all sexay in her movie parody. I love taking things out of context and making them appear vaguely gay.
FUCK I THOUGHT KANE KILLED YOU LAST WEEK came out and called people fat. He was interrupted by THE AYATOLLAH OF TURN HEEL OR SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE. RAW needs faces, but Jericho is so awful as a face. Hey, I worked fuck into both nicknames though. Dunn says Simon was “snake eyesed” when the correct term is obviously “snake eyed.” Maybe. Jericho makes Simon tap in short order. Gotta get back the cred (ha) he lost to Hassan, I guess. Scott Keith thinks this is the end for Simon Dean, and I have a sneaking suspicion he’s been saying that every week. I still think condemning us to fatness was fun.
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BARS (OF GOLD-PRESSED LATINUM) confers with his arch-rival ONE HOLLA JUST ISN’T ENOUGH AMIGO. They talk about Batista, natch. I TAUGHT PAUL LONDON TO DIE comes in and asks Teddy Long to set up a match with Kurt Angle. Both recappers make jokes I just ain’t feelin’.
Oh, Lil’ Jon is the “YEAY-UH” guy. Rick James is my favorite Chappelle Show character. I can’t think of any of them as being real people (living or dead.) Anyway, I sure hope Lil’ Jon says “WHAT?” later.
THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE I SUCK is out. He is followed by WHEN T IS THE VARIABLE IN A QUADRATIC EQUATION IN STANDARD FORM AND THE COEFFICIENT OF T-SQUARED IS NOT EQUAL TO ZERO, T EQUALS THE QUANTITY NEGATIVE B PLUS OR MINUS THE SQUARE ROOT OF B-SQUARED (BOOYAH) MINUS 4AC, ALL DIVIDED BY 2A. Hahaha, yeah, got the Quadratic Equation in as a nickname. Because T Squared is Tyson Tomko, and…ugh. Anyway, Tomko got THE STICK and cut a promo. I got dragged away from the TV at that point, which is a shame because it may have been about The Land of Success. I doubt JD Dunn’s report (which…I’m assuming is from a comic book or something) about testing interstellar species is entirely accurate. SK ignores Tomko’s attempts at characterization, as is his wont. Anyway, Kane won a bad match. SHOCK. Dunn: “He does the football sled thing in the corner.”
I bet there were commercials here. President Hamilton would have approved. Jeez, Mideo. Have you been getting your history from Beast Boy’s cereal box? (Says the guy who taped 2 and a half hours of the wrong channel.) Speaking of T-Squared (um…not Tyson Tomko,) like the day after bitching that I would never see the Tamaran one, I saw the Tamaran one. Good, but not as good as Silkie.
SLICK CHAIR is still waiting for Batista. Because…he was waiting for Batista earlier. A limo arrives, but inside is THE BLACK AND RED MOSES OF SOUL. So many ways to go with a Masterpiece nickname. Sofa already hit “tHe MaSteR woUld NoT AppRove.” I could also have opted to discuss the leader of the Dungeon of Doom, Lee Van Cleef’s character from Master Ninja, the always-popular masturbation, or even Doctor Who’s true rival. Anyway, Masterpiece tells 80-bajillion times World champion (and owner of over thirty trillion of Scott Keith’s asterisks) Ric Flair to watch his match tonight, and maybe he’ll learn something. Hahaha. That’s probably the coolest thing this lug will ever do.
IT WAS NICE OF VAL VENIS TO LOAN ME HIS TOWEL and IN FARCI, I’M SCREAMING “GO GET ‘EM BABY” AND OTHER JIMMY HARTISMS come to the ring. Hassan says nobody on RAW has pride in wrestling, so THIS YEAR’S WRESTLEMANIA JUST AIN’T GONNA TOP LAST YEAR’S, IS IT? comes out and challenges him to a fight. Hassan does the old “sure, but not tonight” routine, so Benoit beats his ass. Good. But then the numbers take over (the Arabs did invent Al-gebra, and no, I’m not kidding) and Benoit gets beat down. Scott Keith thinks if anyone can get a good match out of Hassan, it’s Benoit. How do you teach someone to wrestle a 6-foot broomstick, King!?
Dunn (one half of the tag team of Well-Dunn) talks to Lil’ Jon some more. Shit, he went with O-KAYYYY instead of WHAT?
YOU CAN’T SPELL ROCKERS WITHOUT R-K-O AND A BUNCH OF OTHER LETTERS are, of course, Orton and Hickenbottom. They will face THE HOT NEW TAG TEAM OF EDGE AND CHRISTIAN. You’d have thought it would be impossible to book the reunion of Edge and Christian to be so heatless that even I don’t care, and yet, here it is. They’re thrown together a few weeks ago, with Edge laying out Christian post LOSS to piss on the dream, and then they make things worse by saying they “got on the same page off-camera” and are two upper mid-card singles heels with separate entrances who occasionally LOSE together again. I literally liked that team better than Tully and motherfucking Arn, and here they are losing meaningless matches while neither are portrayed as fun-loving goofs. Scott Keith chooses a different but valid point to bitch about: they never acknowledge that Edge and Christian are “brothers” anymore, even though the significantly more confused storylines of Taker and Kane have never led to that connection being dropped. Honestly, outside of gorking about online with the rest of the WV crew, I don’t think I’ve ever rereached the level of wrestling fandom I had before the Edge/Christian feud kinda tanked and the split first felt like a waste. The Benoit vs Los Guerreros feud almost got there, but no. JD Dunn surprises me by making no comment at all on Edge and Christian reuniting other than noting when they dust off their old spots. Speaking of old spots, we all (as human beings) hated to see the Conchairto ducked by HBK, who then got the win for his shitty team. Keith wonders what the concussion angle was leading to. Eh…I’ll worry about it if they leave it alone for another week. Anyway, boy, that team that completely owned WWE cannon’s “Greatest Tag Team Ever,” the Dudleyz, sure do job to HHH’s job squad a lot!
Now Coachman tells the GMs that Batista is here. No nicknames because despite not watching and rebeaking the tape this is still taking forever.
The really awful mic-stand almost completely blows her ONE LINE before Edge attacks Shawn Michaels so he can job to him later. I knew something was fishy when Edge got a cheap singles win over Shawn.
ALL HAIL LORD STEVEN is Steven Richards. I didn’t see him winning here. Then I was all, “oh fuck, it’s the Unveiling.” No one was all *MIST*. Listening to our commentators (who knew Steven was about to put over a brand new heel and needed to say something babyfacish about him) was a lot of fun. Lawler: “He looks…good!” JR: “Yeah! He’s…in great shape!” SULLIVAN! MY SON! THE MOON IS FULL OVER DETROIT MICHIGAN, THE STARS, SULLIVAN, ARE LINED UP, AND THE GREAT MILKY WAY IS READY FOR YOU, MY SON! is Chris Masters. How I love that speech. I already transcribed it for the Halloween Havok 95 beak. What the fuck, here’s the rest: “In Tokyo Japan, in Peking China, it’s the start of another day. They say, Sullivan, my son, that there will be a total eclipse of the sun today around the world, because Sullivan, we are here, right here now, and tonight, you will walk upon the galaxies because your Giant and the insurance of the Yetay, you will destroy Hulkamania around the globe!” It breaks my heart not to include Sullivan’s response (including “the Dungeon of Doom’s truck’s the strongest of them all,”) but you know where to find it if you really want to. So, anyway, Chris Masters completely blows. He turns WV against him right out of the gate by no-selling Steven and then killing him with boring-ass roid rage offense (including, as Scott Keith notes, the frickin’ Polish Hammer ferchrissakes) and finishing him off with a fucking full-nelson. When a finisher was too weak for Hardcore Holly, just…no. Hey Masters, 1988 called, it wants it’s suck back. This guy should be third man out for Honkey Tonk Man’s Survivor Series team. Christ. He’d better be gold on the mic, because his presence is below average for a member of the fucking Heenan Family.
In a fun side-note, JD Dunn thinks Masters is like “Paul Roma crossed with Buff Bagwell.” I’d make a joke about crossing Doug Basham with Danny Basham, but I’m not sure that’d fly here. Ok, how about crossing Mark Jindrak with Matt Morgan?
THE EGG FROM US ACRES takes on IF I DON’T KILL A BABY SOON I’M GONNA LOSE THIS CROWD in a rematch of last week’s suckfest. Dunn and Keith can’t seem to agree on which spots are the most fucked-up. I enjoyed this one, if only because Shelton kicked Snitsky’s chair in his ugly face, then waffled him with it for the DQ because you don’t fuck with Shelton Benjamin, bitch.
That reminds me, if Charlie Haas has been dedicating every match to Russ, does that include the ones where Rico tricked him into simulated mansex?
HUMNA HUMNA HUNTER is angry that Batista is late. TOUCAN SAM’S GRANDFATHER is there. THE DRUMMER FOR THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM overhears Triple H admitting that he was behind that whole “limo of death” thing. I didn’t see this, but considering they’d been building Batista as “cagier than he looks” for months now, it must have been really weak for him to just hear a confession instead of working it out.
Ho hum.
EBONY AND IVORY GENERALLY MANAGING IN TOTAL RIVALRY are in the ring, which apparently has a red carpet now. IF THERE WAS A WEAPON KNOWN AS THE TISTA AND BATMAN HAD ONE SPECIALLY MODIFIED IT WOULD BE THE BATISTA proves I am far too tired to come up with a good nickname. I WATCHED YOUR MATCH MASTERS AND LEARNED THAT YOU SUCK, WOO! and GOOD ONE, NAITCH are also here. Trips talks about how Evolution could rule wrestling, and ponders what might have happened if Arn Anderson went to the WWE about a decade before it existed and became world champion while Ric ruled NWA/WCW. Wow…I missed Arn Anderson getting theoretical dap? Batista plays like he’s gonna sign the Smackdown contract, but then gives Trips the thumbs up into a thumbs down (REMEMBER THAT, TRIPLE H? HUH?) and beats him up. Flair took a shot too, which is a shame because they could have gotten a little drama out of “Whose corner will Mr. Flair be in?” Trips gets powerbombed through a table, and Dunn claims it’s “ONE OF THE BIGGEST POPS YOU’LL EVER HEAR!” I didn’t hear it, but…I dunno. Batista will see Triple H at Mania. Well, duh.
Final Thoughts: I’ll try to actually tape it next week, as this wasn’t much fun. SK’s final thoughts (or “Inside Pulse,” which is “lame”) is just him remarking how generally unengaging the build to Mania is. Well no shit, though I guess it’s his job to tell us that. Dunn is more optimistic. Dunn: “The WWE has made a superstar, though — something they haven't done in 3 years.” Somebody is forgetting Joy Giovanne!
I hope this was loaded with typos so I look like a complete tool for quoting other people’s silliness, though…I didn’t do as much of that as Scott Fried recaps loans themselves to.
