Grand Porky is the best thing ever. I’m so glad I beat Mideon to claiming that title.
STAR TREK: I already cracked jokes about John Cena the Aenar to the only person here who would care, so…I got nuthin’.
SAILOR MOON: I barely got to see any this week. Though it’s heartening to know that that free web encyclopedia Sofa showed me features a discussion on which Scouts are paired most often in lesbian fanfics.
PRE-RAW: Probably CSI. I ain’t watchin’ that shit. That’s why God gave us VCRs. I finally got around to watching “Monster-A-Go-Go.” There was no monster, you know. I also got to see that Teen Titans where Terra is OMG HEEL and doesn’t suck.
A row of signs appear to say “BATISTA RAW IS BATISTA.” Here comes IN JAPAN, YOU CAN BUY SWEETBRITCHES IN VENDING MACHINES would have been a good joke last week. He’s wearing a jersey that says “Jericho” on the front and back. He’s Chris Jericho of the Manhasset Jerichos. As a Z-league hockey team, they should really shine this year when the NHL is cancelled. Their arch rivals are the John Cenas. Hey, the highlight reel logo! Guess this is a highlight reel. Jericho’s guest is SOME SKANK. She was in some super bowl commercial. She was selling this really good bowl. Almost super in quality. I don’t deserve to live. Lawler: “Some people think we’ve got too many divas, but you know what, too much of a good thing can be wonderful!” Christ, even Lawler realizes it. Jericho: “It’s always nice to have a sweet little tomato like yourself here on the highlight reel.” Lawler: “Tomato.” Thanks for that insight, Lawler. Jericho talks about how her commercial was such a big deal. We see it. Oh, it’s the one with the chick who has a hilarious “wardrobe malfunction” while talking to fake congress. It’s a faaaaaake! Jericho pretends to be offended. She gets to talk. God, how did she string those sentences together in the ad? She acts like she’s gonna show her boobies. Jericho with more hilarious fake outrage. It’s also fake hilarious. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY “ARAB MAN” HALLOWEEN COSTUME? (w/I HAD SO MANY SEIZURES WATCHING POKEMON LAST WEEK) are out for a mercy killing of this segment. How often am I pleased to see them? He comes out and does his homage to Ludvig Borga. He is offended by female exploitation. Hey, who isn’t? He also wants accolades for defeating Sergeant Slaughter’s ancient ass a few weeks ago. Jericho: “You say I’m the poster boy for stupidity? I think you two are the poster boys for jackasses!” Wow. Some fan has a sign that has “yoU Suck hAssan” written so the USA line up vertically. Your very own “You Suck Hassan” poster. Another sign: “Chris Jericho 4 *heart* Ever U.” When did signs stop making any sense? Jericho declares himself the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla. Jericho: “You still have penises, right?” Davari yells wacky stuff, and Jericho pretends he’s talking about fagsex. Jericho accuses them of being the queermos. Jericho: “I’ve heard you speak your own special language that only the two of you can understand.” They’re the only two Farsi speakers in the world. I don’t know how to spell that. Hassan wants Jericho to shut up and fight him. Praise Allah. They’re going to get it on, after this break.
Commercials. Super Asia claims barbed-wire head-cage man had an unhappy Valentine’s Day, but when I asked him why, he seemed confused.
We’re back, and Jericho is stomping Hassan in the corner. Back suplex by Jericho. Delayed vertical suplex by Jericho. It gets 2. Davari screams. Cosmo (or whatever) “The Mouth of the East” Davari. Jericho ducks a leapfrog and simply chops Hassan. Hassan tries a sunset flip because he wants to be put in the Walls of Jericho. Hassan would have made an excellent Rikishi victim. Just anotha rectum victim. Hassan reaches the ropes before the hold can be properly applied. Jericho does a springboard shoulderblock that sends both men outside. Both men back in, top-rope crossbody by Jericho. Lawler starts flipping out about how a new Hall of Fame inductee is being announced tonight. I guess he’d rather do anything than have to root for Chris Jericho. Jericho does some more stuff before Davari finally trips him up so Hassan can get some offense. He stomps both of Davari’s hands. Davari sells wackily. And now Hassan attacks Jericho. Sign: “Granny *heart*s HBK.” Hassan with a backbreaker. Elbow drops. Shades of Chris Hammond. Kneedrops. Hassan sends him into the ropes, and gives him a forearm. Jericho whipped into the turnbuckle. Boot choking. Davari chokes Jericho behind the ref’s back, then screams like an idiot. Hassan with a “snap” suplex. Davari capers about gnomishly. Gnomish capering is…the strongest capering. Hey, either that sign is nothing by squiggles or a third person uses Hassan/Davari talk! Supes speculates that Davari gave the sign to that fan. Scimitar-wielding Dervish Chokeout. Davari: “HOLD ON TO HIM! HOLD ON TO HIM! HOLD ON TO HIM! HOLD ON TO HIM!” Holy shit, I understand Farsi! Hassan does as Davari instructs, but then stops listening as Jericho elbows out. Jericho punches Hassan in the face, so Davari screams. Shades of Tomax and Xamot. Hassan runs right into a jumping heel kick. Davari can shut up anytime now. Lawler talks about how them filthy Arabs want women’s faces to be covered. Jericho does forearms and shit. Hassan ducks a clothesline, so Jericho does the “Come on assclown” lure and drop-toeholds him into the ropes. 619? No, shuffleyfeet. All aboard, the Blowtrain. Hahaha. Hassan fights off the Walls, but charges into a boot and gets bulldogged. Lionsault misses, but Jericho lands on his feet. Modified flying burrito by Jericho. Divari distracts the ref. Jericho had him covered for like a billion years. Jericho gives Davari a springboard dropkick, but turns into whatever Hassan’s Downward Spiral is called. A cover gets 3. JR: “Jericho turned right into that…face-first smash!” That’s almost as good a name as Carlito’s “Impressive.” Hassan does goofy poses. Hassan spits on the ramp. How rude!
THE HEART-ATTACK KID is incredibly excited by his magic portable talking machine. Your picture phone is not a real friend, Ric. HEART HEART HEART is the most uninspired nickname since I blatantly forgot to give one to the Big Show and just called him BIG SHOW. Triple H sez JBL is coming to RAW to confront Batista. I smell a rat. Which JBL will eat in fear.
Commercials. “Fair Enough” ad. Supes: “That would be funnier if it were better written.”
The next Hall of Fame guy is THE REAL HOT ROD, DIRTY DOG DENNIS RODMAN or, of course, Roddy Piper. Guess his twelve seconds in TNA are over. OMG HE HIT THAT GUY WITH A COCONUT THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER!
HEY, ORTON AND STACE-AY, IS NEVER GOING TO CONVINCE ME THAT HE’S NOT GAY have their usual pointless backstage segment.
RAVEN’S FATHER is the Demon Batista. I don’t know. Raven calls D-Von Dudley “Unkie D-Von.” It’s adorable. Batista is chatting up WOW A CAR IS DRIVING RIGHT TOWARDS ME I WILL STAND HERE AND STARE AT IT. Batista, you can do better. Now I CALL MY CELLPHONE “DOUBLE A” chases the bimbo away and tells Batista that JBL is coming. Maybe he’ll send OJ. To be The Emissary. Batista says he’ll make a decision to ignore Smackdown in favor of RAW next week. And he tells Flair to tell Trips that he (Batista) will take care of JBL. Flair: “That’s cool.” He does not spit apple.
Commercials. Slammin’ Saturday Night openly courts idiots. Speaking of idiots, I find myself picturing a pig in an Imperial officer’s uniform. Grand Moff Porky.
I SPENT MY WHOLE MONEY-CLIP ON VENDING MACHINE BEER LAST WEEK is a nickname in direct violation of Sofa’s “beer vending machines aren’t that common” declaration. He still has an open-contract (Shelton, not Sofa,) and this week he faces I SMELL UNMURDERED BABIES. Shelton’s little bald head is very babyesque. Lawler predicts certain defeat for Shelton. I will punch you right in the face if you give Snitsky the title out of the blue on RAW…um, RAW. Snitsky sticks out his tongue, so as to look insane. Raye and Serena are apparently raving psychotics. JR: “The reason Shelton Benjamin has an open contract is because he’s a man. He’s all man and a yard wide as they say.” Well, I don’t say that. Does it bother anyone else that while guys like, I dunno, Rhyno collect dust, this guy who makes Tyson Tomko look like Chris Benoit was given the solid-gold “baby murderer” gimmick? Rhyno could have killed babies. Baby fucking queer faggots. And then, he could have had GOOD matches with Kane! Well…less awful. Shelton ducks a punch and punches. Snitsky throws a knee, but gets dropkicked in the knee as JR trips all over his words while trying to describe Snitsky as “smash-mouth.” He used to use that term to describe the XFL. I assume it means “awful.” Shelton goes for a cover, but Snitsky kicks out like he was Andre the Giant being pinned by Max Mini. Shelton hits the Stingar Splash, but a follow-up meets a shoulderblock. Snitsky covers for 2. Off a shoulderblock. Baby chokeout. Shelton gets up and tries to elbow out, but gets clubbered. Lawler says the longer this goes, the more it favors Snitsky (who is clearly the better conditioned athlete.) Shelton sent to the corner…Ho-Train Attack by Snitsky for 2. Snitsky goes to the second rope and misses an elbow. I mean, Shelton helped by moving. Shelton punches away. JR talks about how much character Roddy Piper has. He’s a 3rd class Jester. Snitsky charges into some booties, and then Shelton goes to the top turnbuckle for a Hurricanesque flying clothesline. Snitsky kicks out. Snitsky scoops Shelton up and slams him. Snitsky yells at the ref. Lawler: “Tell them a little more about Shelton’s humble beginnings you were talking about earlier. You remember how when he was a kid growin’ up, he was an honor student. He was always saying ‘Yes, your Honor’ and ‘No, your Honor.’” Wow. Just…wow. Snitsky with a clothesline for 2. JR: “I don’t understand why you don’t like Shelton Benjamin.” Yes you do. Snitsky tries for the Death Penalty, but Shelton slips out and…Snitsky kicks him. For a long 2. And another. And another. Snitsky with the bunches o’ punches. Fakey, shitty punches. Snitsky yells at the ref. This is completely awful. Snitsky charges at Shelton, who dumps him to the floor. Snitksy gets a chair, and nails Shelton with it for the Dairy Queen. The chocolate DQ sundae. It’s a criminal, ha! Puppies! Snitsky has braided his beard hair together in an awful little rat’s tail. Cut it off his face and your adventuring party can experience Class Change. Gene screams “What?” because he doesn’t understand what he did wrong. You failed to travel back in time and kill your infant self, Snitsky. This match, which saw Gene “I can barely punch” Snitsky on offense the majority of the time while the champion just kinda bumped around, was not very good. Snitsky: “Benjamin! Rowr! Argh!”
Commercials. Grand Theft Auto. Supes did level 12 Ambulance and Vigilante missions this time out. Show off.
JR: “I have an issue with chocolate.” WHAT THE MOUNTIES WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEY WERE DENIED OXYGEN DURING THE MOST CRUCIAL TRIMESTER OF BRAIN DEVELOPMENT…PERHAPS BY GENE SNITSKY SOMEHOW had fucking better not win the tag titles back again. How can you fire Grenier if you keep giving him a title? They have invoked their rematch clause against DEAR BOY, WE NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO DRESS YOUR SCHOOLGIRLS AS OUR SAILORS. I hear tell that when you toss out the rules in Axis and Allies and let players form their own alliances, Japan and England are unstoppable. That’s what I hoid. I believe William Regal’s “born naughty” shirt is the only one of it’s type in existence. Heheh, this sign for the champs features a white background with a red circle in the middle, and brass knux inside the circle. Land of the Rising Knuckle. That’s probably a Terry Bogard move. OK! Here’s a replay of Tajiri celebrating in Japan. That was so cool. Regal and Conway start. Conway works a headlock, gets shoulderblocked, and headlocked again. Spastic punches by Conway, and an arm-wringer. Tag to Grenier, who goes for a headlock. Regals sends him to the ropes and shoulderblocks him. I can never get enough of guys doing headlocks and then getting sent to the ropes so someone can throw a shoulderblock. Tag to Tajiri, who kicks Grenier in the chest while Regal kicks him in the back. Tajiri kicks his head off. Tajiri ducks a clothesline, some leapfrogging ensues, and Tajiri gets a leg lariat. Standing moonsault from Tajiri. Lawler tells us Le Resistance are from “France” again. JR is from the country known as “Oklahoma.” Lawler: “You don’t know that much about global, do you?” What? Lawler: “You think paprika is a third-world country.” Yeah, Jimbo lacks your deep understanding of world cultures. Tajiri chops away in the corner. Educated…sides of hands. Conway tries to attack, but is kicked off the apron. Grenier takes over with a cheapshot and brawls. He sends Tajiri to the corner, charges in, and…gets Tarantulaed! No, he blocks it. Leave the fancy counters to guys I can reasonably buy as wrestlers. Grenier tries…something, but Tajiri counters into a bulldog. Conway breaks up the fall, but Regal goes after him. The ref blocks Regal. Grenier catches Tajiri’s kick, but before Tajiri can do anything, Conway gives Tajiri a neckbreaker and Grenier just kinda falls over. Wow, Sylvain sure does suck. Tag to Conway, who stomps. Conway: “WAAH! I WANT MY BELT!” Don’t let Snitsky hear you crying like that. Conway whips Tajiri into an elbow by Grenier. Conway clotheslines him or something, and tags in Grenier. Grenier drops a knee. Clubber. Tag to Conway. Ethnic tag teams sure do love to tag, do a move, and tag out. Ethnic…Quebecois/Kentuckians. Conway with a suplex for 1. JR: “Another near fall!” Conway does some neckhold, but Tajiri escapes and kicks. JR uses the phrase “all he can say grace over” more than I talk about warming heart-cockles. Conway tries to fight back, but eats the Chynaese-Elbow. Tajiri charges for the tag, gets caught, and sorta sunset-flips, but bridges out and…it’s weird. He tags in Regal. Regal throws lots of left hands at both champs. Conway tries an Irish whip, but the British oppressor Regal reverses it into an overhead belly-to-belly. Running knee-left, and…that gets him 3? Well, that was out of nowhere. I can’t watch any Le Resistance match and not suspect the ending was fucked up.
The camera wait for JBL. Lawler: “That’s a parking lot!!!” This Orton/Christian graphic makes it look like Tyson Tomko’s hair and tattoos are green.
Commercials. Tune in for Booker T vs Cena on Smackdown. Because you can’t possibly be tired of watching Booker T job to John Cena.
RANDOMLY KNOCKED OUT comes out, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and does the melodramatic douche pose. YOUR POSE IS AN INSULT TO MY YEARS OF FIVE-SECOND POSING gets the second entrance because he’s a bigger star, sez I. Oh, and he’s accompanied by I LOVE GUYS WHO CAN BARELY BEAT ME. I have to admit that I shamefully enjoy Christian’s new music. I think it fits his “stuck up pussy” persona well. Haha, “stuck up pussy.” Shades of that mannequin’s hand. Christian punches Orton, who levels him. Orton stomps Christian between the legs, then does Euopean uppercuts of doom. Christian sent to the ropes, but Orton Papa Shangos and gets kicked. Christian tries something, but gets grounded and pounded. Headlock takedown, and one good thing I’ll say about Orton is that he really works stuff like headlocks to make it look like he’s not just laying there. Christian tries to fight out, but Orton takes him back down. Christian back up, sends Orton to the ropes, and a criss-cross sequence finally ends with a shoulderblock by Orton. Side-headlock by Orton again. Christian forces Orton into the corner, and shockingly, he scores a cheap-shot on the break. Christian sends Orton into another corner and slaps him. JR: “A guy like Tyson Tomko on the outside that’s solving your problems, wink-wink.” Holy crap, was that meant to be sexual? Because if I were Boobermonkeys I’d claim that made me totally hot. Christian chokes and stuff. More punching. Rope-choking. I prefer Christian on the mic to Christian on offense. He shows some love to the peeps, to boos. Orton starts to fight back. Christian is clotheslined to the floor. Tomko stops Orton from going after him. Christian jogs around the ring to sneak up on Orton (HAHAHA) but Orton would have to be completely retarded to fall for it and is only mostly retarded. Orton sends Christian back in. Supes: “He should have tapped his head to indicate smartness, then collapsed unconscious.” Orton with the punch ten long-a-count. Um…ten punch count-a-long. Does that make any more sense? The guys exchange punches and knees. Lawler: “I wish the referee would step in there and tell him (Orton) this is a wrestling match!” I agree. Orton charges Christian and gets back body dropped to the floor. Tomko smashes Orton into the steps. Time for a break.
Commercials. I want to see the Teen Titans where they go to Tamaran, but they keep showing Terra and Beast Boy’s date. I’ll see it when I see the Justice League Limited finale with the Hawk People attack. Never.
We’re back, and Christian covers Orton (in the ring) for 2. JR: “Orton has been in a bad way since eatin’ those uh, eatin’ those steps.” He mistook them for a boat. We learn the ref ejected Tomko based on auditory evidence. Bullshit. Back in the ring, Orton tries to fight back, but doesn’t so much. Orton gets a ruthless roll-up for 2. Christian with a dropkick. Christian with a neckbreaker. Elbow by Christian. JR: “Christian back in the offensive driver’s seat!” Lawler keeps going on about this weird lump on Christian’s head. Christian chokes more. Ninja chokeout. Randy fights out. Lawler and Ross talk about the rumors that JBL will be here, something they have been doing and I’ve been ignoring all night. Orton escapes, has his whip reverses, and…RKO? No, Christian turns it into the inverted DDT for a loooong 2. Christian is frustrated, so he steps on Orton’s fucking face. Paintbrushes. You know what they are. Orton reverses a whip, sending Christian HARD into the buckles. Naptime. Both men up. They trade wobbly-legged punches. Christian hits the ropes, but gets dropkicked out of his boots. Figuratively. Another dropkick by Orton. Back body drop. Orton pulls Christian up for a series of crossface forearm smashes. Melodramatic douche pose, and more than a few boos have snuck in with the feminine cheers. Orton scoops Christian up, Christian slips out and tries the inverted DDT again, but Orton fights out and powerslams him. Orton goes up for some reason…crossbody connects! It gets 2. Orton charges in, but gets Palumbozied! Christian covers, feet on the ropes! It only gets 2. Lawler: “I guess the referee heard his feet on the ropes.” Heh. Every so often he gets a good line. Christian tries to pull the corner off a turnbuckle, the ref is after him, and…Tomko sneaks back in! He kicks Orton’s head off. It connected and everything! JR: “Tomko just kicked Orton’s head off!” Wow. I think like JR. That’s not good. Christian covers…for 2!? Fuck. Christian does a tantrum worthy of his days as DDP’s positivity student. Lawler: “Get back on the man, Christian!” Orton throws an uppercut, but Christian thumbs him in the eye. Unprettier set up…but Orton counters with his goofy backbreaker. Stalking him for the RKO…but Christian shoves him off into the ropes! Unprettier…no, the unhittable move is countered with a leapfrog. RKO…and that’s all she wrote. Well, there goes the Christian/Orton feud. Still, that got pretty good near the end. Melodramatic douche pose.
GRAND PORKY ZEK pretends he’s talking to Teddy Long. I saw a vanity license plate that said “NAGUS” the other day. True story. MY JAP SHAMPOO GIVES GIRLS BLUE HAIR comes in and bitches about how Batista cost him the World Heavyweight Title last week. Then he hypothesizes that if Batista goes to Smacktown, RAW doesn’t have a Wrestlemania main event. Who better to fill the opening Batista’s departure makes than Edge after he beats Batista tonight? Sadly, his efforts to fill in potential storyline gaps only cement how unworkable a Batista defection is. Still, Edge seems to have taken over the commentator’s rightful roll of “pretending meaningless matches have meaning.”
Commercials. Yeah, Son of the Mask appears to be the worst thing ever. Jackie Lee only danced and rapped in a single dream sequence of Kangeroo Jack, after all.
Lawler and JR pretend they don’t hate the dirty slant-eyed Japs. Lawler pinches JR’s arm with chop-sticks. TRISHI is what Lawler calls Trish to indicate that she smells like uncooked fish. Sorry. He did call her “Trishi” because he was talking about sushi. So it’s not like I got that joke from nowhere. I saw this on Monday (SHOCK I’m not rebeaking this live) and while Trish tries, she can’t make me care about what’s coming. So…fast-forward. I SPENT THE QUARTER MILLION ON AMPHETAMINES moves even faster in fast-forward! Trish insults her and she insults Trish and someone was slapped at some point. Moving on…
Here’s a replay of Edge getting screwed some more.
Commercials. Do you get Sour Skittles? Your fate lays in the hands of Sour Man! Get equipped with: Sour Skittles.
Yeah, Christian is the only good part of the Basic Instinct parody. Fake brothers are saving RAW in a big way! OMG ARE THE BASHAMS DEFECTING?
I FIND NOTHING GRAND ABOUT PORKY is in the ring with no intro to die to WHO TOOK MY WONDER OF THE WORLD? I’LL FIND MY WONDER OF THE WORLD. Does anyone outside of our house even realize Kane’s gay-ass theme is about how his wonder of the world is gone? Simon flees the ring and grabs the stick. He promises that even if Kane cripples him, he will continue to produce his Simon System because he believes in us. Simon: “For you, and you, and all of you who don’t believe in me, well, well I condemn you to an overweight life of Hell on Earth, full of obese disgusting fat ugly people who are simmering in their own corpulence! Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do!” Allrighty then. He says “Cincifati.” Kane comes after him, set to chokeslam him on the railing, then trips him up comically so he falls on his face instead. Supes: “You know, Sailor Moon has had more coherent pre-battle speeches.” Hahaha. He’s actually lying. Kane tosses Dean back in. Dean tries to hide behind the ref, but Kane catches him…and Simon raches the ropes. Simon hits him with the gym bag! Dropkick to the knee! He goes into the bag…looking for the powder of doom, but Kane kicks it isn’t his face! Kane’s all *PROTEIN POWDER*. Then he’s all *WEIGHT BELT* while the ref isn’t looking. Simon falls out to the floor. Big boot by Kane. Toss him back in and chokeslam him, damn it. He does. But he does push-ups first. What a weird, weird show. Kane wins. JR: “The Big Red Machine will go through Hellfire and Brimstone to get what he wants!” And what he wants is a good workout. I wish JR would say “his patented Simon ARHARHAHARH” again. Our commentators introduce flashback footage, and take their sweet time so we get to hear tons and tons of Kane’s awful theme.
Commercials. The new Punisher game can’t be as cool as the old NES one was.
Our Constantine Washed-Up Loser of the Week is HBK being eliminated at the Rumble by Kurt Angle.
STARFIRE, IT’S GONNA BE GREAT WORKIN’ WITH YA, KID! interviews COACH CALLS ME THE HEARTBREAK KID, KID about the Kurt Angle situation. Yawn.
HUFF HUFF HUFF has a word with the Animal of Evolution, GEORGE STEELE. Triple H wants Evolution to handle JBL, but Batista wants to handle it by himself. They each state their positions. Several times.
Commercials. If JR and Cole called a show together, they would talk about “combustible elements exploding!”
Next week, this gay-porn Masterpiece dude will do…something.
ANIMAL, ANIMAL, E-YA-AH-AH does goofy poses. I really wish he wouldn’t do that. Those “BATISTA RAW IS BATISTA” signs from the beginning have been rearranged and appear to say “BATISTA RAW IS.” Yoda in da hizzy! Several Yodas. Yodae. GONZO follows Batista at a discreet distance. Because of his nose. Ric Flair would be Nanny, but A) he’s not here and B) I had something else for him. THERE WAS NO FISH MUPPET wants revenge on Batista. No Super Asia, Scooter was not a fish. I have no idea what he was, but it didn’t breathe water. JR makes some insane barnyard analogy. Batista shoves Edge down. Batista: “COME ON BOY!” Gay pose. Batista: “BOOM!” Maybe it was “boo” or “boosh” or something. Another lock-up, and Batista forces Edge into the ropes. Edge shoves Batista. Punch, but Batista kicks him and sends him into the corner. Shoulderblocks of doom. Some idiot fan sign: “Earth fears Planet Jarrett.” I admit it, he scares me. Batista chucks Edge around a bit, but Edge dodges a charge. And…Batista dumps Edge to the floor anyway. Batista scoops Edge up for something, but Edge slips out and gets an Edge-o-matic on the floor. Triple H points and yells. Edge stomps way, then gets on the apron to…stomp. Edge does more stuff on the apron. Both men back in, and Edge chokes Batista in the ropes. Shades of Christian. Edge with a neckbreaker. Neck-vice by Edge. Batista gets to his feet, but Edge sends him into the corner. Edge climbing him, but Batista shoves him down. There’s some clotheslines. Edge hits the ropes and tries a crossbody, but Batista catches him and slams him. Batista sends Edge to the corner, but charges into the boots. Edge goes up for THE STUPID. He lands and gets shoulderblocked. Batista tries for the spinebuster, but Edge forearms out and hits the Edge-u-cation! Or Cution! Maybe! Edge sets up the spear but runs right into the spinebuster. Batista setting up his somehow demonic powerbomb, he gets it. The limo appears on the stupidtron. Trips shoves the ref down to draw a ridiculous DQ. VALENTINE’S DAY IS FOR PITCHING WOO appears on the ramp and signals for Evolution to unite and form Captain Planet. JR is surprised JBL had “the Spauldings” to show up. The camera follows them walking backstage. Trips: “He made a big mistake, JBL made a big mistake, yeah, you don’t jump on Evolution, he’s gonna learn a lesson right now, this is something we are gonna take care of once and for all, this is all gonna be finished tonight, JBL wants to mess with us? I’ll tell ya, tonight, this is finished, you understand me guys? Tonight, JBL gets what he’s got comin’ to him! You wanna run your mouth about us? You wanna run your mouth about Evolution? Tonight, JBL’s gonna get what’s comin’ to him! Tonight, we finish this! Tonight, we take care of JBL!” Batista: “Hey!” Me: “Shut up!” Batista goes on ahead to the parking lot. A mysterious white hummer (driven by Billy Kidman and stalked by Shane Douglas) tries to run Batista over, but Triple H tackles him into some garbage to save him. Batista is too angry to gaze lovingly into Hunter’s eyes. Ric: “Dave, are you alright?” OMG IT’S A SHOOT!
Final Thoughts: Any good final thoughts I had have been lost to it being really late and me having to work. They were probably more Grand Porky talk anyway. Oh yeah, did you know that if there was an aeon named Porky, and Yuna used her overdrive meter to summon it, she could "Grand Summon Porky!" It's true!
