Well, with my Extreeeeme March project barely even started and the month about to end, this is my last chance to make something of this special time of year. Plz no A-Train match kthx.
THAT OTHER LITA opens things with her creepy eyeball video. Howard Finkel has decreed this a “diva contest.” So…the Lita/Matt feud just kinda petered out, didn’t it? Our hosts are DRESSING AS A BEE WON’T MAKE TRIPLE H LIKE YOU MISTER BLACK MAN and THE BEST EUROPEAN CHAMPION EVER. Coachman is, if you haven’t gathered already, dressed like a bee. Well…he’s wearing black and yellow. Lita will be facing YOU KNOW SHE’S THE MACK MILITANT’S…WIFE (wo/TEDDY GRAHAMS ARE GOOD WITH CHOCOLATE MILK.) What a stupid nickname. Al asks Coach if he’s been drinking YJStinger, then references Bee Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell. Yeah, Al and I are on the same page. The same page of a dumb book about bees. Lockup, Jazz kicks away at Lita. There’s…hey, it’s Rene Dupree’s finisher from Smackdown! Maybe the Heat commentators know what it is. Al: “Beautiful!” Coach: “What impact!” Meh. Lita counters something into a headscissors to take over. Lita charges into a nasty elbow. Get set for Nastinization. Jazz kicks, and yells “HUH!?” a lot. Coachman says Raw got two new Divas in Nidia. Because she has boobies. Jazz goes for the Papa Shango. Now she catches a kick by Lita, ducks an enzoogweeree, and slaps on the STF. Lita very slowly crawls towards the ropes. Wait, I thought this was Jazz’z finisher? And now the cameraman earns a compliment from Al by focusing on Lita’s ass. Lita finally reaches the ropes, and Jazz has to break. Al claims that women are superior beings who rule the world. Um…well, that’s kind of an odd thing to say, if you agree or not. Jazz lifts Lita up in a full-nelson, and just slams her down right on her face. Ludicrous canned heat. Hitler could walk in and bite the head off of a puppy and he couldn’t earn legitimate boos this loud. Jazz skips around happily before missing a splash. Lita rolls her up for 2. Jazz reverses a whip and tries for a sidewalk slam, but Lita turns it into a rana. Dropkick. Now Lita springboards out of the corner to get behind Jazz and set up the inverted Twist of Fate. It takes her forever to set it up, and Jazz just has to stand there. It gets 2. Lita slams Jazz’z face in the corner, then goes for the ten-count punchalong, ten punch count-along, whatever. Jazz powerbombs her out of the corner, then covers with her feet on the ropes for 2. Fireman’s Carry…is Jazz going for the Widowmaker? Whatever it was, Lita lands on her feet and gets a DDT for the win. Somewhere, Sean O’Haire and Arn Anderson are…not being on my TV.
Commercials. RAW is next. Relive the moment that changed everything forever: Mark Jindrak changing shows.
Our Drakengard Geek of the Week is Edge. I bet you anything he plays text games with magic tattoos.
THE GEEK OF EVERY WEEK is here, sans Roosevelt. OMG LISTEN TO THAT CROWD HURRICANE IS BIGGER THAN THE ROCK! I wonder why the canned heat levels on Heat and Velocity are so different? Maybe Velocity has more canned velocity. Yes, I know I’m not funny. Hurricane will win two weeks in a row, it seems, as his opponent is JOEY MATHEWS. Was he Josh’s brother, Joey Wheeler’s cousband, or both? Joey Babaganoush shoves Hurricane to start. Hurricane locks up with the jobber and gives him a heroic fireman’s carry. Mat stuff occurs. The jobber almost loses to a side-headlock takedown. Joey fights out, and charges into a goofy Hurrihook. Hurricane goes up, and Joey walks away. Ha. Hurricane goes after him, and gets hot-shotted. Joey “plays a little bit of possum,” says Coach. Neckbreaker across the leg, but Hurricane gets the shoulder up at 2. Joey with a clothesline in the corner. Is that a can-opener neck crank? Al wonders why the jobber screams when he’s on offense. “I guess it could be like empathy (with Hurricane’s pain.)” Coach: “Exactly.” Al: “Kind of like how you share pregnancy with your wife.” Whoa. Al is like, cosmic tonight. Women rule the world, and we must share their pain. I’m expecting him to go into some weird Earth Goddess stuff here any minute. Now Al says Coach is gaining weight to support his wife. Joey with a Ninja Chokeout. The mask doesn’t make him a ninja. Al talks about Joey’s career as a male model, and Coach changes the subject. Benoit, like Raye Hino, is a machine fueled by hate. Hurricane finally fights out of the chokeout, but eats a back elbow. Now he ducks a charge, and gets his goofy flying clothesline. Coach says Al is a fag who likes good-looking men, and Snow responds by saying his name is “Alleluia.” The Hell? Hurricane gets…a sort of modified Unprettier, where the jobber’s face is pointed upwards. Al: “Can I get an Amen?” Hurricane gets a top-rope crossbody for a long 2. Coach and I both thought the L Trigger had been pulled, as Joey’s brother would say. Coach: “I apologize, getting a little bit ahead of myself.” Al: “I’ve heard that about you.” Eye of the Hurricane set up! Hurricane: “Eye of the Hurricane!” Al: “He is the Hurricane.” Maybe he said “I am the Hurricane,” I dunno. Joey counters, whatever he said. Hurricane misses the Shining Wizzard, and eats a Northern Lights for 2! He argues with the count. Al: “Look dummy, if it had been 3, you would have won!” Joey tries to set up a neckbreaker, but Hurricane gets him in a Fireman’s Carry…into a facebuster across the knee! Ouch! The Shining Wizzard (“Japanese Shining Wizard,” sayeth Coach) ends it.
Commercials. This Just In. It Just Sucks.
Here’s a flashback to the show that’s on next. They’re messing with our minds! Batista and Ric Flair as a team, that I get, but since when were Booker T and RVD a team?
Commercials. I’ve already forgotten the name of the blue YJStinger.
The Rock's character pinebusters some guy through a table as the actual Rock lies and says he uses a stick. The actual Rock, who really is named "The Rock."
Up next is VENUS (w/ARTEMIS.) I warned you. Three weeks ago, I warned you. If Tuxedo Mask ever accompanies a wrestler to the ring in my fevered imagination, the entire male cast of that show will have been valets. Unless you count Andrew. And you really shouldn’t. Can you blame me for wanting to think about a show I like instead of an impending Val Venis match? Sweet sassy molassy, his opponent is MARK JINDRAK’S SLOPPY SECONDS. That joke doesn’t make sense but it’s gross, so I’m sticking with it. It’s a good thing neither guy is wearing blue panties. Maybe Val was raped by a Vulcan who just drank a lot of red Kool-Aid. Cade wants us to touch him. No. Tie-up, and Cade goes to the gut. Shoulderblock. Bodyslam. Cade goes up. Damn Val, job much? Ok, Val is up, swiveling his hips instead of attacking. Val dares Cade to jump down, so Cade climbs down and heads to the floor. Val drags him back in, because I was gonna have no patience for stalling. Val pounds away. Cade reverses a whip, and everyone knees everyone’s guts. Cade gets a single-arm DDT. Shades of single-Arm Anderson. Val gets an armdrag or something. I was busy chuckling at my own shitty joke. Val with a neckbreaker. It gets 2. Al Snow: “Val Venis showing such tenacity, such grit. Haven’t seen that since we saw Bill Demott in the ring.” Are they trying to feud with Velocity? Man, a feud between the B-shows would be awesome. Coach vs Mathews, Country Whippin’ Match. Coach refers to Velocity as “the B Team,” and then says you never know where Bill might pop up. Al: “You know Coach there’s a whole world out there, and you never know when the Human Hellbeast’s gonna show up!” What the Hell? Al is nuts tonight. Meanwhile, Val tries for the Perfect-plex, but can’t get it because he’s a loser. He does get the big spinebuster though. Val…goes for the reverse Figure-4, which looks a lot like the Nagata Lock. Which is my Sailor Venus CAW’s finisher. Fucking creepy, man. Cade reaches the ropes, hangs on for dear life, and eventually eats a vertical suplex anyway. Val goes up, but Garrison Cade cuts him off. Superplex? Val fights him off. Fan sign: “Bret Hart.” Not “Bret Hart Rules” or “Bret Hart Sucks,” just “Bret Hart.” No, wait, Cade does get the superplex as Coach pretends Al thumbed him in the eye. Cade goes up top for “the big time elbow,” and…it connects! And he wins! Remember when I said “Damn Val, job much?” Jindrak and Cade own the B-shows, baby! At least I get the less shitty one back next week.
Commercials. Rainbow Six 3. I’m waiting for Rainbow Six 9. Teehee.
Our Hunter Hearst Hellboy of the Week is Hunter Hearst Hellboy giving me a heart attack by being traded to Smackdown. But it was all a shocking swerve. I’m counting my blessings. At least the Dudleyz only ruin the mid-card.
Here’s more Hunter Hearst History, as he wouldn’t lie down for Eddie Guerrero after about a million run-ins. Asshole. Haha, Flair’s fear of Big Show is heart-warming. The guy fell off Cobo Hall and lived, what chance do you have of containing his rage?
MATT HAS FOUR DIFFERENT PHONE NUMBERS AND IS A FAN OF THIN CRUST PIZZA is here. Not a single fucking adverb. I feel cheated. JG fact: I feel egregiously cheated. Oh shit, he’s taking on Lance Storm? Snore. My final shot at Heat rebeaking glory is a Lance Storm match.
Commercials. This would appear to be the format of “This Just In.” “It says here *current celebrity or politician* has been *whatever they’ve been doing.* His Momma’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.”
AT LEAST IT’S FUNNY WHEN HE CABBAGE PATCHES doesn’t even fucking Cabbage Patch! What’s going on? He comes out to his retarded dance music and does his “angry heel the fans don’t respect” routine. Glowering, pointing, etc. Did they just decide to forget his face turn? I can’t blame them, but…anyway. Matt grabs the mic as Coach says he has a better career winning percentage than Al Snow, which is almost certainly true. Better theme music, too. Matt gives us another Matt fact, which is that Matt hates things that are dull and boring, like Lance Storm. Why couldn’t it have been “vociferously hates?” Lance looks hurt. Coach: “Or like a lot of chicks I know, but that’s a very good Matt Fact. That’s a very good Matt Fact.” Al: “It helps when they’re conscious! That way, they’re a lot more exciting, Coach.” Coach: “Hahaha!” Al: “Take it from one who knows! They struggle a lot more, but…” Al is making rape jokes now? What the Hell happened to him this week? Matt and Lance do mat stuff. So…which one is the face, here? Matt with a big punch. Matt: “I’m V-1AAAAH!” Al: “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?” Coach: “I’m V-1AAAH!” This is insane. Matt whips Storm into the corner, Storm tries to springboard out so he’s behind Matt, but Matt doesn’t chase him, and instead, nails him with a right when he turns around. Mattitude sign again. From the way he avoided that springboard out of the corner tactic, I'm guessing he watched the Lita match earlier. He keeps thinking something else will happen with that angle. Lance takes over with a chop. He gets drop toe-holded into the ropes. V-1ah. Matt runs and jumps into Storm without doing 619, sadly. A cover gets 2. Matt tries for the ten-punch count-a-long, but gets tossed to the floor. Al and Coach are in their glory, coming up with new Matt Facts. Al: “He may like thin crust pizza, but he doesn’t like being tossed to the floor!” Coach: “He needs a fifth phone number now!” Al: “It’s called 911!” How awesome would Josh and Al be on commentary? Josh and anyone other than Demott. Scratch that, I just envisioned Josh and Lawler. Sofa had a good point in the 4th best thing ever. Even JR is semi-tolerable when not paired with Lawler. Back in the ring, Storm chokes away with his boots. Al: “He’s killing Matt Hardy!” Coach: “I thought you were gonna say he’s killin’ the crowd! Don’t say that!” Al: “Only if he cuts a promo!” Exclamation marks abound! Al and Coach are saving this match for me! Storm covers for 2 following a legdrop. Ninja Can-Opener Choke-Neck-Out Crank. Matt gets to his feet and elbows out. He goes for a sunset flip, but Lance escapes and tries for the Water on the Knee. Matt rolls up to escape. Lance gets a big elbow, then an elbowdrop across the back of the head for 2. Rope-choking by the fun-loving guy with the huge Johnson. NICE dropkick, but Matt kicks out at 2. More fun is made of Velocity as Lance does another resthold. Now our commentators pat themselves on the back. Matt fights back, but Lance pulls his hair. Lance goes for a standing…I forget what this is called. It’s another resthold. Matt elbows out, Storm forearms him down, and Matt has finally had enough. Clothesline. Clothesline. Bulldog. A cover gets 2. Lance charges into a boot, and Matt gets the Yodeling Leg Drop! Coach: “Going to the mid-level rent district!” I love these guys. It only gets 2. Matt calling for the Twist of Fate, but Lance catches the set-up kick. He tries for a back suplex, but Matt flips out. Another TOF attempt, but Lance backslides him down and puts his feet on the ropes…for 2. Matt reverses a whip and gets the Side-Effect for 2. Now Lance reverses a whip and sets up the Water on the Knee! Matt…gets to the ropes. Coach says after Heat, there’ll be some “big time ice on some backs.” Al: “Mine has been hurtin’ from carrying you all this hour.” Coach: “Easy there, Coattails.” Hahaha. Lance puts Matt up top for some reason. Matt fights out…but Lance pulls him off into a super chinbuster! Leg lariat by Lance, for 2. Lance goes up to the second rope, mocks the yodeling, and…goes for THE STUPID, jumping into the TOF set-up kick! It sets up the TOF, which gives Matt the win. Al says that a new Matt Fact is “Matt is a winner,” and Coach says that isn’t a fact. Um…yes it is, pretty much. Coach plugs RAW, and Al says “adios.”
Final thoughts: Adios, Al and Coach. Adios. You made that show a lot better than it could have been.
