IMPORTANT UPDATE: Since going off on that tangent about Rowdy Reiko last week, I played Rumble Roses for the first time in quite a while. And learned that Face Reiko actually does have brown eyes. I sincerely apologize to anyone who may have been hurt by that error. Also, Rowdy Reiko has super cool sunglasses that she wears on her hairline that remain in place no matter how many times she gets piledriven on concrete.
Ok, back to it. Uh...this is a long one. It was a dense episode, ok? Take a break halfway through when the Master and the Doctor finish hitting each other up on their respective cellys.
We open with our three heroes appearing out of some sorta vortex on the streets of modern London. Ok, I’ll be patient, but they’d better fucking explain how they got past last week’s army of insane murderers. We get wacky “wow, that hurt” acting before they start down the street. NOW we get a flashback to the Doctor using the Sonic Screwdriver on Captain Jack’s broken time-travel watch thing. I’ll let the old “wave the sonic screwdriver around and everything is better” thing go. It was an awesome cliffhanger that deserved better, but at least they acknowledged the lameness of the escape by delaying the explanation for a bit. (Also, the Doctor has to shout at Jack to “hold it still” while he fixes it, which is hilarious as we see poor Captain Jack trying to stave off the mutated Mad Max Rowdy Reiko guys with one hand.) The Doctor explains that they haven’t ended up in modern London by coincidence, that he set the device for here. Martha asks who the Master is, and notes that “that voice at the end” wasn’t Yana. Jack explains regeneration to her, and tells her the Master will look totally different now. The Doctor is ignoring both of them, looking at “Saxon is your man” election posters and noting how all the bums on the sidewalk are tapping that HEEEEL drumbeat from the last episode. Martha: “Then how are we gonna find him?” Doctor: “I’ll know him. The moment I see him. Time Lords always do.” Martha: “But hold on, if he could be anyone…we missed the election! But it can’t be…” An outdoor TV monitor shows news coverage of “Harold Saxon” emerging from 10 Downing Street with his wife. Martha realizes the voice she heard at the end of “Utopia” was famous (fictional, of course) British politician “Harold Saxon.” Doctor: “That’s him, he’s Prime Minister! The Master is Prime Minister of Great Britian! (On the TV, the Master kisses his hot blonde wife.) The Master and his wife!?!?” Hahahaha (Time Lords do not, as far as we ever see, have romances or sex or reproduction of any kind.) On TV, the Master: “This country, has been sick! This country, needs healing! This country, needs medicine. In fact I’d go so far as to say that what this country really needs, right now, is a Doctor.” Winning smile for the cameras, going to credits noise, and we’re off.
David Tennant, Freema Agyeman and John Barrowman in…again, they forget the title. What is up with that? Either put them up or don’t, they change their minds by the week. It’s “The Sound of Drums” by Some Dude.
(Briefly, here’s the deal with Time Lords and love. The series never explicitly states it, but it’s pretty clear it doesn’t exist. The Fourth Doctor and Romana were clearly fond of each other but outside of the world of fan fiction that was it. The closest we’ve come to love was the desperately lonely Ninth Doctor and Rose, and she only got kissed when she was gonna die of wacky zany vortex otherwise. But what about his Granddaughter? And how did they reproduce? Fans who care assume Gallifreyans are pretty normal in all reproductive aspects, but that once you graduate from the academy and become a Time Lord [which has some biological significance as it’s then that you gain the huge lifespan and the ability to regenerate] you lose your reproductive powars and all your lovin’ becomes totally Plutonic. Fans who don’t care just watch the show.)
Civic officials hand the Master lots of files and stuff, and he just looks irritated. His wife kisses him again. And uh-oh, here’s Martha’s sister, “Tish.” She’s working as an aide. She asks the Master what he wants her to do, and he says “You just stand there looking gorgeous.”
The Master addresses his cabinet (hey, if it was the furniture kind, it might be his TARDIS! Wokka wokka wokka!) Master: “A glorious day! Downing Street rebuilt, the cabinet in session, let the work of government…begin!” He throws all the files up in the air and they land randomly on the heads of his cabinet ministers. They look at each other quizzically. Master: “Oh go on, crack a smile. It’s funny, isn’t it? Albert, funny? No? (he makes the “Triple H’s penis is this big” sign) Lil’ bit?” Albert (who from the looks of him bears the full title “Lord Albert Britishyguy”) fake smiles. Albert: “Very funny, sir. But if we could get down to business there is the matter of policy, of which we have very little.” The Master: “No, no no no. Before we start all that, I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you, one and all. You ugly fat-faced bunch of wet, sniveling traitors.” Albert: “Yes, quite, very funny. But I think…” Master: “No, no. THAT, wasn’t funny. You see, I’m not making myself very clear. Funny, is like this.” He makes a stagey, wacky smiley face. Master: “Not funny, is like this.” He makes a stagey, wacky angry face. Master: “And right now, I’m not like *happy face* I’m like *angry face*. Because you are traitors, yes YOU ARE! *the Master/drum theme starts playing* As soon as you saw the vote swinging my way, you abandoned your parties and you jumped on the Saxon bandwagon! So this, is your reward!” He puts on a gasmask. Perhaps he will start asking people if they are his mommy. Albert: “Excuse me, Prime Minister, but do you mind my asking what is that?” The Master’s reply is muffled. Albert: “I beg your pardon?” The Master pulls the mask aside, says “it’s a gasmask,” and puts it back on. Albert: “Yes but…why are you wearing it?” Another muffled reply. Albert: “I’m sorry?” The Master pulls it aside again, says “because of the gas,” and puts it back on. Albert: “What gas?” The Master, muffled through the mask: “This gas.” Little gas-jets shoot up from the table and spray everyone with lethal gas. Albert, dying: “You’re insane!” The Master gives him two big thumbs-up, which is so awesome it makes up for how lame the previous gag was. The Master surveys his dead cabinet, then starts drumming his trademark drumbeat on the table.
The Doctor, Martha and Jack arrive at Martha’s apartment. Jack tries to call his Torchwood spin-off team (he doesn’t tell the Doctor) but can’t reach anyone. They get on Martha’s laptop and look for information on Harold Saxon. Martha: “You gonna tell us who he is?” Doctor: “He’s a Time Lord.” Martha: “What about the rest of it? I mean, who’d call himself ‘The Master?’” Doctor: “That’s all you need to know.” Martha starts listening to an answering machine message from Tish (“You won’t believe it, I’ve got this new job!”) but cuts it off before it can elucidate things.
Meanwhile, some lady reporter is pushing her way past Tish to interview Mrs. Saxon. She gets to Mrs. Saxon as Tish tries to stop her. After a spattering of dialogue, Mrs. Saxon grants the reporter an interview and Tish shoves off. As soon as she’s gone, the reporter tells Mrs. Saxon “Mrs. Saxon, I have reason to believe that you’re in very great danger. All of us, in fact. Not just the country, but the whole world!” Mrs. Saxon laughs. Reporter: “No, I beg of you, hear me out!” Mrs. Saxon: “What are you talking about?” Reporter: “Your husband is not who he says he is. I’m sorry, but it’s a lie. Everything is a lie.” And…we go to break.
Commercials. A hilariously earnest testimonial tries to convince moms that the only way to do right by their families is to make them eat Hardees’ fried chicken every single day.
We return to wacky celebrity testimonials for Harold Saxon. Sharon Osbourne says “I’m voting Saxon. He can tick my box any day” and SciFi has to bleep it but they can’t cut the clip because she’s actually famous over here so it’s sort of funny and pathetic at the same time. Then we get some idiot teeny-bopper band shouting incoherently.
Now back to the Doctor and crew, then back to the reporter and Mrs. Saxon. We cut back and forth as both scenes reveal that Harold Saxon has a background (including an adorable shot of the quasi-immortal arch villain as a Cambridge rugby star) but it’s all forged. Reporter: “The thing is, it’s obvious! The forgery is screaming out, and yet no one can see it! It’s as if he’s mesmerized the entire world!” Mrs. Saxon is getting flustered. The reporter reveals that Harold Saxon became “real” eighteen months ago, at the exact same time as “The Archangel Network” was launched. Reporter: “But I’ve got plenty of research on you. Good family, Rhodine (?), not especially bright, but essentially, harmless. And that’s why I’m asking you, Lucy, I am begging you, if you have seen anything, heard anything…” Lucy announced that she made her choice, “for better or for worse, isn’t that right, Harry?” And UH-OH the Master is leaning against a doorframe listening in. The reporter tries to act like it was all a joke. Master: “Oh but you’re absolutely right. Harold Saxon doesn’t exist.” Reporter: “Then tell me…who are you?” Master: “I am the Master. And these…are my friends.” He holds his hands aloft, and these…things appear. They’re sort of like smaller versions of that interrogation droid from whichever Star Wars movie had an interrogation droid. They’re round and metal and have needles sticking out of them. Lucy: “I’m sorry.” The droids circle the Master’s head as he gets their weird, dead-eyed look. Master: “Can’t you hear it, Mrs. Rook.” Mrs. Rook, I guess: “What do you mean?” Master: “The drumming. The drums are coming closer and closer.” The droids…have voices. Little Girl Voiced Droid: “The lady doesn’t like us!” More needles and death-spikes appear and make little whirring noises. Man Voiced Droid: “Silly lady. DEAD lady.” She screams. We cut to the Master and Lucy out in the hallway. The Master shuts the door, muting the screaming, and shows mock horror by biting on a knuckle. Then he opens the door so we hear the screaming again, and closes it and does more mock horror acting. (I love the Master.) Lucy freaks out. Lucy: “She knew everything! You promised! You said Archangel was 100%!” Master: “99, 98?” Lucy wonders who else is asking questions. The Master makes a lovely face of mock concern and pulls her in for a hug. Master: “Tomorrow morning, I promise. That’s when everything ends.”
Back to the Doctor and crew. Jack wants to know why the Master, who still has the TARDIS, is here and now. The Doctor reveals that when he was fiddling around with the Sonic Screwdriver at the end of “Utopia,” he was locking in the coordinates. The TARDIS can now only travel to modern London and to the end of the universe. But there’s an eighteen month window (which explains why the Master had time to take over Britain and is not still wandering around wondering what happened.) Martha says she was going to vote for Harold Saxon. But when pressed, she can’t remember any of his policies…just that he seemed “good.” She starts tapping out the Master’s drumbeat. The Doctor demands to know what it is, and she has no idea. The Master appears on the laptop, a “Saxon Broadcast, all channels.” He talks to the public about all the alien invasions that have occurred in the last year. We get a little montage of modern Earth-based alien episodes from the new series. Harold Saxon, he says, won’t keep you in the dark like the previous government did. Saxon: “Citizens of Great Britain, I have been contacted. A message, for humanity, from beyond the stars.” We get a grainy shot of one of the murderous probe droid things from earlier. It’s the Little Girl Voiced One, and it says “People of the Earth, we come in peace. We bring great gifts. We bring technology and wisdom and protection, and all we ask in return, is your friendship.” Saxon: “Aw, sweet.” Hahaha. Saxon: “And this species has identified itself. They’re called, ‘The Toclafane.’” Doctor: “WHAT!?” Saxon announces that the Toclafane will appear not in secret but in public, tomorrow morning. Saxon: “Tomorrow, we take our place in the universe. Every man, woman and child. Every teacher, and chemist, and lorry driver, and farmer. I don’t know, every…medical student?” The Doctor and Jack look at Martha. The Doctor looks at the back of Martha’s TV, and there’s a bomb attached to it. They rush out the door as Martha’s (she’s a medical student, remember?) apartment (or flat) explodes.
Martha is frantically dialing her phone. Martha: “He knows about me, what about my family?” Doctor: “Don’t tell them anything!” Martha gives him a look of bloody murder and yells “I’ll do what I like!” She gets her Mother on the phone. The Turks/Bashams from “42” are with her, listening in. Martha’s Mom tries to convince her to come over. She says she’s getting back together with Martha’s Dad. Martha doesn’t believe her. Martha’s Mom: “Ask him yourself.” She hands the phone to Dad, who is there (well, duh.) Martha is suspicious. Martha: “Just say yes or no. Is anyone else there?” Dad thinks for a minute. Dad: “Yes!” He fights off the Bashams and yells for her to run. The Bashams overpower him. Martha, to her in-person friends: “We’ve gotta help them!” Doctor: “That’s exactly what they want, it’s a trap!” Martha: “I don’t care!”
The Bashams drag Martha’s Dad into a police van.
The Doctor and Jack ride along with Martha in her car.
The blonde lady Turk orders her thugs to arrest Martha’s Mom. Moms: “I was helping you!”
Martha calls Tish, but as she answers, a pair of Bashams drag her away.
Martha’s car arrives at her Mom’s house, where riot police open fire with machine guns. She wisely pulls away. Martha, to the Doctor: “This is your fault, it’s all your fault!” Later, sarcastically: “The only place he can go is planet Earth, great!” Jack talks her into ditching the car. Martha gets Leo on the phone. He’s somehow not surrounded by Bashams, so Martha warns him to go into hiding. The Master suddenly busts into their cell conversation. Master: “Oh, nice little game of hide-n-seek, I love that. But I’ll find you, Martha Jones. Been a long since we saw each other. It must be, what, a hundred-trillion years?” Martha: “Let them go, Saxon! Do you hear me, let them go!” The Doctor realizes who she’s talking to and grabs the phone. Doctor: “I’m here.” The Master appears to have a small orgasm before switching phones (why?) and saying: “Doctor.” Doctor: “Master.” Master: “I like it when you use my name.” Doctor: “You chose it. Psychiatrist’s field day.” Master: “As you chose yours. The man who makes people better. How sanctimonious is that?” And…we go to ad break now?
Commercials. Some British woman selling Cheer detergent makes me think the show is back on before it actually is.
The Doctor and the Master catch up. It’s tempting to transcrible, but I’ll try to spare you as much as possible. We get some cutesiness with the Doctor congratulating the Master on his election before asking about the Toclafane. Doctor: “That’s just a made-up name like the Bogeyman.” Master: “Do you remember all those fairy-tales about the Toclafane when we were kids, back home? Where is it, Doctor?” Doctor: “Gone.” Master: “How can Gallifrey be gone?” Doctor: “It burnt.” The Master tells the Doctor that the Time Lords brought him back because they figured he’d be the perfect warrior in a time war. But he was there when the Emporer Dalek’s main force arrived, and he panicked and ran. He traveled to the end of time turned himself into Professor Yana with the chameleon…thing to hide from them. The Doctor tells the Master that the Time War is over, and both sides lost. The Master deduces that the Doctor must have ended it. Master: “What did it feel like, though? Two almighty civilizations burning. (Golddust style breathing) Oh tell me, how did that feel?” Doctor: “Stop it!” Master: “You must have been like God.” Doctor: “I’ve been alone ever since. But not anymore. Don’t you see, all we’ve got is each other.” Master: “Are you asking me out on a date?” Hahaha. The Doctor tries to convince the Master to leave Earth. They can fight across the constellations if that’s what he wants, but leave the Earth alone. The Master seems to consider, but then starts talking about the drumbeat. Doctor: “I could help you, please let me help!” Master: “It’s everywhere, listen, listen! Here come the drums. Here come the drums.” The Doctor notices random people standing around, thoughtlessly drumming along with the rhythm. He asks the Master how he’s doing this, but the Master suddenly goes “Oh look, you’re on telly!” The Doctor, Martha and Jack are public enemies one, two and three, wanted by the police. The Master congratulates the Doctor on his band “ticking every demographic box.” He tells the Doctor (in a way we understand but the Doctor doesn’t) that Torchwood was sent off to the Himalayas and won’t be turning this into a full-fledged crossover. Then he starts yelling at him to run for his life.
The gang run off (closed-circuit TV cameras had spotted them) and we get a montage of TV news channels discussing the Toclafane. Hilariously, this montage ends with the Teletubies, and pulls back to reveal that the Master is watching Teletubies. He’s fascinated by the TV in the stomach thing, but a Toclafane appears to annoy him. It keeps pestering him about when “it” will be ready. The Toclafane have to “run and run and run” from the terrible darkness and cold and…stuff. The Master tells it “8:02, tomorrow morning.”
Our heroes are hiding out in an alley, eating French fries (aka freedom fries [aka chips.]) Somebody has wireless internet, as the Doctor is still web-surfing. He tells Martha her family is under arrest, but there’s no mention of Leo. Martha smiles and says Leo isn’t as daft as he looks. (Leo was supposed to be a big part of the conclusion of this two-parter, but the actor who plays him got double-booked and backed out. I can’t imagine what a British actor was doing that was bigger than being on this show, but anyway, the whole Leo plotline just vanishes completely without explanation later.) Martha gives Jack a little head-jerk to signal him to ask about the Master. Martha: “What is he to you, like a colleague or…” Doctor: “Friends at first.” Martha: “I thought you were gonna say he was your secret brother or something.” The Doctor looks at her for a while and then says: “You’ve been watching too much TV.” Little good-natured ribbing of fans with wild background theories there. The Doctor flashes back to Gallifrey, and we get some CGI of snowcapped mountains, orange skies and a futuristic city under a glass dome. There’s a good old-fashioned starchy, rigid white guy in robes. He would have looked right at home condemning Patrick Troughton’s Doctor to death. The Doctor tells his companions that the children of Gallifrey are taken away at the age of eight to enter the Academy, and it was here that the Master went through the initiation rights. And…hey, a black guy Time Lord, that’s new. Anyway, there’s some mystical gap in time and space called “The Untempered Schism” from which you can see the whole space/time vortex. As a child, the Master was forced to gaze into it. Doctor: “Some will be inspired, some will ran away, and some would go mad.” We go to break on a slow zoom in on some little kid’s eyes as he, we assume, goes mad.
Commercials. Seriously though, if ghosts bother you, get out of the ghost hunting business.
Martha asks how the Doctor reacted when he looked into the Untempered Schism. Doctor: “Oh, the ones that run away, are never stopped.” Jack spontaneously mentions that he works for Torchwood. The Doctor acts all pissy (oh, like we were supposed to let a Time Lord bungle around in our history and not even keep tabs on him.) Jack explains that he rebuilt Torchwood in his honor (nothing honors a man more than a team of investigators going after sexy aliens exclusively.) Anyway, the point is that that reporter lady from earlier set up an email to Torchwood in the event of her death. It contains information on Harold Saxon and the Archangel Network. The Archangel Network (run by Chris Jericho’s old friend Kirk Angel) is a group of 15 satellites in orbit around the Earth. They run all mobile phone…stuff. Even the other networks are carried by them. The Doctor starts messing about with Martha’s cell, and discovers that the drumbeat is being broadcast on a subliminal level through the phones. Apparently, the drumbeat signal also has a subliminal message in it telling everyone to like and trust Harold Saxon, which is how he was elected and why no one questions the half-assed forgery of his life before about eighteen months ago. Now that he knows how the Master is doing everything, the Doctor can fight back. He uses the Sonic Screwdriver, bits of Martha’s cell phone, and “three TARDIS keys” to mock up some little necklaces for everybody. They influence perception because “the TARDIS is designed to blend in. Well, sort of.” He puts on the necklace, and suddenly Martha can’t seem to focus on him. Martha: “It’s like I know you’re there, but I don’t wanna know.” Doctor: “It just shifts your perception a tiny little bit. Doesn’t make us invisible, just unnoticed. Oh, I know what it’s like. It’s like, it’s like when you fancy someone, and they don’t even know you exist. That’s what it’s like.” Martha looks sad, aw. SciFi cuts the cutesy bit in the original British version where Captain Jack notices and says, “You too, huh?”
Our gang walk around as the Doctor warns them not to run or shout or draw attention to themselves as this will break the perception filter spell.
A newscaster brings us into a scene of Air Force One landing on British soil. A fake US President Guy is greeted by the Master. The President is all serious and the Master, predictably, keeps winding him up with fake seriousness. Mr. President (dramatic echoey sound from the end of Metal Gear Solid) wants to know why the Prime Minister has ignored established UN first contact protocols. The Master claims he lost them down the settee. That’s British for Love Seat. So if she ever visits the UK, Sofa’s sister will be The Amazing Settee. (Sofa’s younger sister = Love Seat copyright 2005 Boobermonkeys Industries.) The President warns Saxon to be careful as the UN has provisions to have him removed from office. The Master does the “I have zippered up my lips” thing. The President tells him that the aircraft carrier “Valiant” is on it’s way to host first contact, since it cannot take place on sovereign soil. The Master starts talking, but pretends he can’t use his lips because they are zippered up. The President: “You’re trying my patience, sir!” The Master unzips, and asks: “So America is completely in charge?” The President: “Since Britain elected an ass (as opposed to arse,) yes!” The Master checks to make sure it will still be televised, and once that’s confirmed he doesn’t care and lets the President go.
Meanwhile, our heroes are here, in plain sight. The Master’s brow wrinkles, but he does nothing. A police van arrives, and Martha’s family (minus Leo) are trotted out in chains. The Master goes to shake hands with Dad, then pulls it away and makes faces at him. The Doctor tells Martha to keep her cool, and condemns Captain Jack’s idea of just strolling up behind the Master and breaking his neck. Doctor: “I’m not here to kill him. I’m here to save him.”
Commercials. Some athlete I don’t recognize strokes Tiger Woods gaily. Still, it isn’t Cuba Gooding Junior and Michael Jordan in each other’s underwear.
Captain Jack tells us that the Valiant is a UNIT ship. They use his newly repaired time/transport thing to teleport to the Valiant. It’s revealed to be “a ship for the 21st century,” and is actually a flying aircraft carrier like pirate Lara Croft had in that awful “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” movie. They’re below decks somewhere, and manage to stumble across the TARDIS in no time at all. However, when they go inside it’s lit all red and has weird new scary black metal bits. It’s sort of like if the Doctor regenerated and became a member of Dethklok. The Doctor, naturally freaked-out, announces that the Master has “cannibalized” the TARDIS and turned it into a “Paradox Machine.”
On the tower portion of the ship, the President gives orders to various camera guys as the Master, seated comfortably, offers his wife a jelly-baby. The President says “Good luck to all of us” and the Master grins amiably.
Our heroes try to work out what’s going on. The Doctor can tell the Paradox Machine will activate at 8:02, two minutes after first contact, but he can’t tell what it’s going to do and can’t safely deactivate it without knowing. Martha: “Then we’ve got to get to the Master.” Jack: “How are we gonna stop him?” Doctor: “Oh I’ve gotta way. Sorry, didn’t I mention it?” He grins at them.
The President speaks to the cameras. We get a montage of people watching on television as the President tells us that while we may gain much from the Toclafane, the important thing is to see ourselves anew. For while man has always looked to the stars, blah blah blah. The political speech continues in the background as the Doctor and crew sneak in. Again, we see the Master’s brow furrow, but he doesn’t look around. The Doctor explains that if he can put the perception filter necklace thing around the Master’s neck, the spell of the Archangel Network signal will be broken and people will be able to see him for real. Which…well, I don’t see how that helps now that he’s been elected and is two minutes shy of realizing his evil plan, but eh. The Doctor says if he can’t get to the Master, Jack has to try. The President asks us to join him in welcoming the Toclafane. Four Toclafane appear. The President formally welcomes them to the planet Earth “and it’s associated moon.” Hey, let Usagi decide lunar policy for herself, pal. Boy-Voiced Toclafane: “You’re not the Master!” Girl-Voiced Toclafane: “We like the Mister Master!” Man-Voiced Toclafane: “We don’t like you!” President: “I…can be Master, if you so wish. I will accept mastery over you, if that is God’s will.” Hahaha. You do know the British think all Americans are born-again Christians, right? Can’t blame them with our real President going around looking into Vladamir Putin’s soul. Anyway…Man-Voiced Toclafane: “Man is stupid.” Boy-Voiced Toclafane: “Master is our friend.” Girl-Voiced Toclafane: “Where’s my Master? Pretty please!” The Master jumps up. Master: “Oh all right then, it’s me! TA-DAH! Hahaha! Sorry, sorry, I have this effect, people just get obsessed. Is it the smile? Is it the aftershave? Is it the capacity to laugh at myself? I don’t know, it’s crazy!” President: “Saxon, what are you talkin’ about?” Master: “I’m taking control, Uncle Sam. Starting with you. Kill him.” One of the Toclafane shoots some energy beam at the President, who is disintegrated. The Masters applauds as the gathered crowd is aghast. The Master’s private Basham guard draw weapons and form a perimeter around him as he hops up on center stage.
Master: “Now then, peoples of the Earth, please attend carefully!” The Doctor tries to rush him, but this breaks the perception filter and he’s held down by guards. Master: “We meet at last, Doctor! Huh-ho, I love saying that!” Doctor: “Stop it, stop it now!” Master: “As if a perception filter’s gonna work on me. And look, it’s (we see Martha and Jack) the girlie and the freak! Though I’m not sure which one’s which.” Jack tries to rush him, but the Master pulls an imitation Sonic Screwdriver out of his coat and shoots him. Master: “LASER Screwdriver! Who’d have sonic? And the good thing is, he’s not dead for long, I get to kill him again!” The Doctor begs the Master to calm down and think and offers to help with the sound in his head and stuff. Master: “Oh, how to shut him up? I know, memory lane!” He explains that he supplied Professor Lazarus (the old scientist guy who got young and turned into a monster that ate things with its butt, see “The Lazarus Experiment”) with the age-messing-about technology, and also got Tish her job working with him. It was all a trap (IT’S A TRAAAAAP) for the Doctor. But now he’s got the Lazarus technology, and he can run it in reverse. He gleefully reveals that since he’s got the Doctor’s hand (see “Utopia”) with its genetic code information, he can use the Laser Screwdriver to age the Doctor. And he zaps the Doctor, who flails about with speeded-up camera magic. The recovered Jack gives Martha his teleporter thing and tells her to run away, because the Master has won.
Commercials. Are “crab cakes stuffed with lobster” the same as lobster cakes stuffed with crab?
The Doctor is now wearing Grand Negis old man makeup. He is aided in this new look by not having a legit old person next to him, though in order to slop wrinkly, liver-spotted flesh onto the real David Tennant’s head, they’ve had to assume that the Doctor’s head would get much, much bigger as he aged. Martha rushes to his aid. The Master: “Aw, she’s a would-be Doctor. But tonight, Martha Jones (going into game show host delivery) we’ve flown ‘em in, all the way from prison!” And a door opens up, and her family (minus Leo,) literally in chains, are paraded before her by armed guards. You know…the Master…is really kind of a jerk. The Doctor asks the Master who the Toclafane are. Master: “Doctor, if I told you the truth, your hearts would break.” The Toclafane whoosh over and ask the Master if it’s time yet. It is. He addresses camera again. Master: “So…Earthlings (spoken to rhyme with ‘festering turds,’) basically…um…end of the world. HERE…COME…THE DRUMS!”
High-energy Britishy rock music plays, and the opening lyric is “here come the drums here come the drums.” Then they start singing about being voodoo childs and not saying maybe maybe and stuff. But the point is rockin’ music plays as we see the Paradox Machine start churning away and belching smoke. And then we get an exterior shot of the airship, and THE FUCKING SKY SPLITS OPEN and there’s this weird reddish-Hellish-void-crack-thing out of which BILLIONS OF TOCLAFANE EMERGE. The rockin’ music is still playing, and it appears to actually be playing for the characters too as the Master and Lucy are dancing along to it. The Master flits about from window to window watching with delight, stopping to blow the Doctor, or the camera, or maybe Lucy a kiss. Master: “How many, do you think?” Lucy: “I…I don’t know.” Master: “Six billion. Down you go, kids!”
The music switches to regular Doctor Who “this is dramatic” music as we see huge swarms of killer probe droid things flying around. We get some Monster Vision shots of what appear to be New York City, Tokyo, and London as seen from the outer atmosphere. The Toclafane descend on the cities and just start randomly killing people. Jesus.
Master: “Shall we decimate them? That sounds good, nice word, ‘decimate.’” He gets on some sort of intercom connection to the Toclafane. Master: “Remove one tenth of the population!” Shit, he really is an alien genius, he used the word “decimate” correctly.
We see various shots of people in their homes screaming in fear as the Toclafane continue butchering them at will.
The Doctor whispers something to Martha. The soundtrack turns all tragic and we hear various cities transmitting requests for help as Martha looks at the Doctor sadly. She looks at her family. She activates the teleport thing and disappears. Her family look at each other in shock. Jack looks at the Doctor. The Doctor looks at the Master.
Martha appears on the surface. She pulls herself up and looks at the horizon, where some city (presumably London) is ablaze as swarms of Toclafane fill the sky and just fucking murder everybody. Martha: “I’m coming back.” She runs away.
The Master and Lucy each hold one of Doctor Bischoff as Negis’ shoulders and force him to watch the carnage through a window. Master: “And so it came to pass that the human race fell, and the Earth was no more, and I looked down upon my new dominion as Master of all, and I thought it, good.” Slow zoom on the horrified Doctor, Doctor Who super awesome cliffhanger sound, and we’re out.
Final Thoughts: Guess being the only Time Lord wasn’t all that bad after all, eh Doctor? The final cliffhanger sees billions of killer robots just whoopin’ the shit out of the entire population of the Earth, and I still don’t like the cliffhanger itself as much as last week’s. Overall though, this episode ruled. It’s inevitable for Doctor Who nerds to compare the show to Star Trek (Star Trek nerds often don’t realize that Doctor Who exists) so I’d like to point out that there is no one Star Trek villain who can match the Master in awesomeness. Q tries, I suppose, and Gul Dukat is pretty awesome before all that stupid shit with Pah-Wraiths or whatever happens, but the Master is just better. I don’t think I even pointed out his awesome cape in the rebeak. Black with a red velvet lining inside. And he wears it as he makes settee jokes at the expense of the most powerful man in the world. *Anthony Ainley chuckle.* Tune in next week or sometime as I rebeak the season finale from…like a month ago.
