Ok, let’s jump right back in. This may not have many pictures because I basically threw in a picture of each character (except for Azmael and the Twins who don’t show up anywhere on Google it seems) in the first half.
Oh wait, scratch that, this official BBC website pic I totally stole (I be investigated by the MI5) of lounging Colin Baker features Azmael off to the right. Sorry he isn’t Ric Flair, but hey, I haven’t been claiming he keeps yelling “woo” or anything.
The Twin Dilemma, Part 3
When last we saw our heroes, THE PSYCHOTIC BEEF-JERKY-AFICIONADO FROM BEYOND OUR COLOR SPECTRUM was using a jury-rigged transporter to send MY TWIN DILEMMA IS FINDING AN ADAMANTIUM-STRENGTH UNDERWIRE TO HOLD THE TWINS IN PLACE “back ten seconds in time” which, once again, makes NO SENSE. The machine is supposed to be a transporter, he magically gets it to work as a time machine somehow, but it would be just as easy and way more logical for him to magically defeat the lock-out and use the machine for what it’s actually for. Anyway, yeah, he sends Peri off and is amusingly surprised that it didn’t kill her. The Doctor tries to send himself, but Peri’s watch (she left her watch with him for some reason) has stopped (which is a problem for some reason.) Peri appears in the TARDIS with OFFICER FUTURISTIC EVENING WEAR and his shiny smoking jacket. The bump explodes. Peri is sad (probably because she can’t fly the TARDIS and is stranded.) The Doctor appears as a spooky transparent ghost for a second, then disappears. Peri and Whatshisname wonder what’s going on. Inspecter Whozits grabs Peri by the arm, and she shrugs him off, completely oblivious to the gun. Now the Doctor appears in the TARDIS, but…uh, the other two aren’t there. He hits some buttons on the console, disappears, and reappears where the other two are. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? The Doctor returns Peri’s airport Rolex to her and explains that he ended up in her future or something. Peri is relieved that he’s still alive, and the Doctor is surprised that she cared after the way he’d been treating her. Peri, not being sarcastic: “It’s called compassion, Doctor. It’s the difference that remains between us.” I want to punch that line in the face. I could easily make some raunchy joke about the differences between those two and the possibilities they create (an unfortunate effect of flipping though fanfics) but I’d rather point out that that was simply a horrific line. Officer Douchebag gets shouty, so the Doctor calls him “Corporal” and is corrected with the British pronunciation of “Lieutenant.” The Cop Guy is a good bit more awake than he was at the end of episode one, and considers for the first time the possibility that the twinkly-eyed man in the goofy coat and the fair-faced girl with the odd boots may not have destroyed his massive (and entirely implied) fleet of heavily-armed police cruisers. The Doctor suggests they go to Jocanda, because Azmael once ruled Jocanda (which I neglected to mention last time) and claims to be trying to save it via the Twins.
Speaking of, HEYMANAHOLIC PERSONAL SECURITY (sort of a bad nickname since these kids really do look to be twins, though the Bashams are certainly closer to being twins than Bossman and Akeem) are still being held prisoner on a space ship. They hassle ALMOST GARGAMEL’S CAT for leaving his admitted friend The Doctor behind. They also mention him disguising his name, though they don’t uncover why he bothered. Heel Birdman (who seems to have a weakness for self-confession) spontaneously reveals that he set the bump to self-destruct because that “is what the Lord Mestor would have wished.” Azmael is aghast…but doesn’t do anything. Oh, I guess the birdmen need a new nickname. Collectively they are THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY.
Peri wonders why Azmael and his crew even bothered to go to Titan 3 if their goal was Jocanda. It’s a very good question. Officer Dude: “That was just to put us off the scent.” Doctor: “No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.” Then…he doesn’t really offer another explanation. Doctor: “Look, consider what we know. Azmael or, whatever he happens to call himself, needs the genius of the twins. He crosses galaxies to possess their minds. He says he’s no longer master of his planet, but he wants to save his people, and that I” pause to indicate how important he is “cannot help him to do so! Oh, if he really does believe such unimaginable rubbish then he must be faced by some unimaginable disaster, which has unhinged his mind.” Maybe it’s just me, but I love that line.
Meanwhile, we’re back to the planet of BIRDMAN SLUGZ. Haha, because, the birdmen are ruled by a telepathic slug, get it? Eh. Hot new characters appear in the form of an evil bird vizier or chamberlain or something I’ll call TOP BIRD IN THE PECKING ORDER (ow, that one stung) and some poor peasant bird I’ll call SPECKLED JIM for my own reasons. Speckled Jim was caught stealing food to feed his starving family, and the very sneery chamberlain guy is disgusted. Jim begs Mestor for mercy. Mestor: “Now your family will have to starve without your company!” HEEEEEL. So, the evil Mestor sentences him to “death by embolism,” which means Mestor’s head glows green, and then the poor dude’s head glows green, and then the poor dude screams like the overacting bit-parter he is and dies. Mestor orders the corpse processed into food for his legion of slave laborers. Next, he’ll beat up Ric Flair and try to burn an American flag.
The TARDIS lands on Jocanda, which like most Doctor Who planets, looks like a gravel pit, or possibly a vacant lot. Jocanda has a bit more brown earth than some, to it’s credit. Also, some large sticks have been strewn about to make it look more…desolate. The Doctor snaps his fingers and points at the TARDIS door lever, and Peri actually opens it for him instead of slapping him. Our three heroes stride onto the surface of Jocanda, where the Doctor starts making a speech about what a paradise it is before Peri points out that it’s a shithole. The Doctor finds a slime trail, and deduces that the planet has been ravaged by “giant gastropods.” Peri: “Gastropods did this?” Doctor: “What else?” Um, lots of things, really. Peri: “Are you sure your mind isn’t wandering again?” I’m not sure the creative device of having Peri point out how stupid it is to think giant slugs could utterly ravage a plant is a good idea when that is exactly what’s meant to be happening. They return to the TARDIS because, well, the Doctor ran out of ways to be melodramatic about slugs.
Azmael’s ship arrives at Jocanda, and some ground control guy tells him to go straight to the palace when he lands to meet with Mestor. Azmael, for all intents and purposes, goes “my boss is such a dink!” Oh, hey, I found a picture of Azmael and the Twins I should have used in part 1.
Officer Manly Man wants to go to the palace to rescue the Twins. The Doctor gets all cowardly and refuses to go. Peri needles him. The cop dude acts tough some. Doctor: “It’s all right for you! You’re young, strong, fit-of-limb! You’re confident in your mission, your energy’s boundless, you’re highly motivated to success! You even have a gun to enforce your will upon others! But look at me! I’m…old! Lacking in vigor, my mind’s in a turmoil, I no longer know if I’m coming or gone or even been! I’m falling to pieces! I no longer even have any clothes sense!” Hahaha. Peri: “Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself!” Doctor: “Self pity is all I have left!” Officer Whatever uses his gun to enforce his will upon others, chiefly the Doctor, and makes him land the TARDIS somewhere in the palace. The Doctor spontaneously decides to be brave again (his personality is unstable because of the violent regeneration…you got that, right?) but the cop doesn’t want his help because he’s unreliable. Doctor: “Now listen here Sergeant.” Peri: “Loo-tenant!” The Doctor and the Cop: “Left-tenant!” Hahaha, I do love that. In the future, we’ll live in space flats and form space queues and our space lorries will be made from aluminium instead of aluminum. Leftenant Lefty Von LeftLeft agrees to take the Doctor and Peri along, but promises to kill the Doctor if he acts up. On a side note, I like Peri saying “The Doctor might be useful” because it’s her implying that she’s useless.
Azmael and the Twins and the Birds and the hey and the hoo and the nice laaady walk down a hallway. The Twins continue to irritate Azmael to no end. They’re like two unattractive Peris.
The heroes wander off in the catacomb-like hallways of the palace. Right behind them, one of the giant gastropods shuffles down the corridor. I guess I was wrong about Mestor being the only one we see (though this one is in the shadows and is almost certainly just the Mestor costume again.) I’m forced to seriously question why I’m trying to write-up a description of all this when words can’t really describe the effect of someone in a slug costume doing that “shuffle on the carpet and work up static to shock someone” walk and staying intentionally in the shadows to try and hide how awful the costume is. Bear in mind, it will take not one but two of the quasi-immortal, godlike Time Lords to stop these upright slug guys.
Azmael and his crew hook up with the evil chancellor dude in the laboratory. Azmael and the minister snipe at each other. Azmael doesn’t seem happy with Heel Birdman either. Azmael has a lot of friction with his current allies. Whose corner will Professor Edgeworth be in at Summerslam?
The Goodies wander around. The Doctor finds some, uh, I guess hieroglyphics that tell the ancient story of how the gastropods came to Jocanda and bossed everyone around and then died. But the myth has turned out to be futuristicy fact. Stargate totally stole it’s whole premise from this slug episode. Then our heroes hide, because they hear the “sound of giant slugs.” But the horrible incidental music doesn’t stop, so I now have to assume gastropods play bad spooky incidental music when they walk. Oh wow, there’s two of them this time! That may have sent them over-budget. It’s nice that the slugs have two humanoid arms right where the actor’s arms would be. Haha, that idiot cop wanders across their slime trail and his foot gets stuck.
Meanwhile, Mestor hits the lab and checks in on the work. He suggests telling the Twins their purpose, because they may work harder once they know it’s “benevolent.” Never mind that, how about filing us in? It’s halfway through episode 3 and we have no idea why these kids got nicked in the first place. Azmael and Mestor have a stare down over the fact that Mestor is controlling all the bird people. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Which you could then give to that cop whose boot got stuck. Azmael reveals that he hates Mestor, but that Mestor’s plan is the only way to save Jocanda from…something. Haha, some of those bird dudes have to help Mestor up the stairs. Heel bird guy leaves at Azmael’s request. Azmael and Face bird guy have a heart-to-heart, and Face bird guy finally does something to earn the name (other than not being the one who sneers all the time) by offering his loyalty to Azmael. Ok, so, now we finally get told what the fuck is going on, as Azmael explains to the Twins that thanks to Mestor’s sluggish a-hole buddies, Jocanda is out of food. Two small planets further from Jocanda’s sun than Jocanda itself need to be moved into Jocanda’s gravitational field. Once moved (through mathamagician powar, I guess) the planets “will have the same atmospheres and climates, they will be the larders of Jocanda.” Ok, it doesn’t make much sense, but at least there’s a sort of reason for all this horse-hockey now.
The Doctor talks more to himself than anyone else as Peri watches the moronic cop try to melt the slug slime his foot is stuck in with a laser. Because yes, an actual plot point right now is that the cop’s foot is stuck on alien mucus. The Doctor goes all wonky and starts yelling at Peri for no reason. Doctor: “Manic depressive? Me!?” He runs off on his own in a huff. The old Doctors wouldn’t have done that.
Azmael makes a really weak threat to kill the Twins if they don’t help him. The Doctor comes in just as he’s doing so. Doctor: “Still bullying children, eh? Villain! Murderer!” He hops goofily over a futuristic space table and starts choking Azmael with both hands. Shades of trying to kill Peri with the same move. The Doctor’s moveset was later stolen by The Great Khali. Face Bird Dude breaks it up. The Doctor regains control, but still wants to know why Azmael set Peri’s bump to explode. The Twins explain “it was Momar.” Guess the Heel Bird is named Momar. Did he have help from Chechen and Shim and Dropo?
Cop Dude manages to free himself. Immediately, he and Peri get jumped by Bird Dudes. The Bird Dudes knock the Cop out, then leave him there and drag Peri away.
Heel Bird Dude (or Momar, I guess) reports to Mestor. He reports that the Doctor and Peri died on the exploding bump planet, and then instantly, the guards drag Peri into the throne room! Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaah. Mestor asks the guards if Peri was alone, and they report that they left another intruder lying around. Mestor: “Fetch him to me! At once! At once!” He needs to psychically control smarter lackeys.
The Doctor lounges sexfully as Azmael explains his dumbass plan to move planets around. Doctor: “One tiny error in your calculation, you’ll blow a small hole in the universe!” Well sure, I suppose that…zuh? The Police Cop bursts in and tells the Doctor that Peri has been captured before passing out again. Man he passes out a lot. The Doctor rushes off to save her, but Azmael and Face Bird Dude block him. Doctor: “Leave me, I must go to her!” Azmael: “And tell Mestor everything, condemn my plan to certain death?” Wait, I thought it was Mestor’s plan to begin with? Azmael: “No Doctor, if necessary she must die!” Doctor: “No! Peri!” Doctor Who super awesome cliffhanger ending sound effect, and we outta here.
The credits include a guy who plays “Noma” and a guy who plays “Drak.” Neither of those is even close to Momar.
The Twin Dilemma, Episode 4
And now, the conclusion. I still don’t see why the Doctor’s bestest evar buddy won’t let him save Peri. But it’s a moot point, because while Momar wants to execute Peri, Mestor hilariously yells “I find her pleasing, PLEASING!” Haha, fantastic. Remember what I said about how every alien the Doctor encounters wants to commit unspeakable sex acts with Peri? Mestor is a giant gastropod, by definition a hermaphrodite, so you never know, it might work. He might be able to satisfy Peri as a woman while also providing platonic companionship with his feminine side. Why am I even calling it he? So insensitive of me. Momar: “She’s better off dead!” She’s having one crazy summer. Mestor: “This creature offers no threat.” Peri: “That’s right!” Mestor: “Be silent!” Never mind about his sensitive feminine side.
Face Bird Dude gets a rare line as he asks the Doctor to calm down. Then the evil Bird Dudes arrive, and take the Doctor away.
Mestor: “They have him!” His slug sense is tingling. Peri: “He came here to help!” Mestor: “Did he? *harrumphing sound*” I enjoy Mestor too much. The guards arrive with the Doctor and shove him onto the throne room floor. The Doctor offers to help with Operation Move Planets Around By Magic. Doctor: “Moving planets around is not for amateurs you know. I mean the Twins may have the mathematical skill, but I have the empirical knowledge, the practical experience that can guarantee success.” He’s an empiricist. Just like Sofa, according to one of his most recent LiveJournal entries (like, a year ago.) I like that the Doctor claims to have “practical experience” moving planets around. The Grand Vizier type-dude tells Mestor not to trust the Doctor, so Mestor makes his head glow green and makes him scream like an idiot. Mestor: “Never argue with me again!” Guy: “No Master!” Doctor: “Good Heavens, you are rather hot tempered.”
The Twins whine at Azmael about how they can’t work without their memories, which he stole at some point. He gives them back. The cop wakes up. Evil guards bring in the Doctor and Peri. Peri: “Oh Hugo, you’re all right!” Wait, who’s Hugo? Peri and the Doctor make fun of Momar. The Doctor scores some mad verbal burn, but he’s not mic’ed very well so I don’t catch it. Haha, even Face Bird Man is dissing Momar. Poor guy. He leaves in a huff.
Mestor orders his flunkies to find the Doctor’s TARDIS. He also waves his hands about stupidly.
Doctor: “How does Mestor plan to bring the other two planets into the same orbit as Jocanda?” Thank you. I was wondering if that point would ever be addressed. Azmael: “A tractor beam.” So, what the Hell are the Twins with their super math powar that their Dad was afraid would reshape the universe even doing here? Azmael throws in some crap about how Jocanda and the two planets will actually be in the same physical place but different time zones. Each planet will be “one Jocandan day” ahead of the others, apparently. It makes no sense. They can travel in time with Azmael’s TARDIS which is presumably somewhere but…forget it.
Mestor laughs. Seriously, they cut to Mestor laughing, then back to the same scene they were just in.
The Doctor jumps to the rather obvious conclusion that if two planets much smaller than Jocanda are brought into the same orbit, they will be affected by the sun’s gravity and the orbit will decay, most likely causing them to fall into the sun. Azmael: “Why didn’t I realize?” You’re stupid. Peri: “What are you two talking about?” Doctor: “A matter of simple physics. The gravitational pull of the sun on Jocanda is more or less consistent, yes?” Peri: “I…I’ll take your word for it.” The Time Lord Superpals figure out that this will cause a tremendous explosion. Man, Azmael went to a lot of trouble to do all this without really thinking about it. A Twin: “It’ll be wondrous to see!” Azmael: “Be quiet and get on with your work.” What, their work to blow up the planets? The Doctor realizes that Mestor must already know this will happen (because he’s not stupid like Azmael) and has some ulterior motive.
Meanwhile, flunkies arrive at the TARDIS, whose door is shut. Mestor, from the throne room, uses his mind to make it glow green and open. Jesus Christ…that makes him more powerful than the Black Guardian, amongst other big-time Doctor Who baddies.
The Doctor looks at what appears to be a bottle of eggnog. Wait, that’s the empty part of the container, the actual fluid looks more like urine. Peri and Azmael worry about him as he splays on the table. The Doctor wants to check the hatchery for some reason. Because there’s a hatchery full of slug eggs. Right next to where they are. The Doctor picks up one of the big, Styrofoam eggs and worries that they’re “dry and rubbery.” Like crusty old non-Peter Davison Colin Baker in Peri’s eyes. The Doctor shoots one with a laser, and the egg makes goofy noises. Doctor: “Now it all begins to make sense!” Peri: “Not to me.” You and me both, sister. The Doctor and Azmael explain that the explosion of the sun will spread the nearly indestructible eggs across all of space while also providing the heat to make them hatch, and thus evil stupid upright slugs will conquer the universe.
Mestor says “Now you know everything, Time Lord.” And…that’s the entire scene.
We’re back to the gang, planning the downfall of Mestor. Cop Who May Be Named Hugo: “The guards may still be outside.” Doctor: “Then deal with them! You are supposed to be an Interplanetary Pursuit Officer.” Galaxy Police Federal Law clearly states…Galaxy Police Federal Law clearly states…I don’t remember. *anime river of tears* Azmael spontaneously mentions that he’s out of regenerations. Plot point, plot point. Face Bird Guy is looking oddly stoic. The Doctor calls him “Drat,” I think. Oh, he’s dead! Turns out Mestor has been watching the whole scene through his eyes, then psychically killed him. That’s the first neat sci-fi idea of this whole stupid mess. The Doctor grabs two vials of urine and hides them in his coat. What a pervert.
The Doctor and Azmael split up from Peri and Possibly Hugo for some reason. Peri: “Good luck, Doctor.” She leaves. Doctor: “Such a nice girl. I hope I shall see her again.” It’s nice that he’s actually fond of her, but it’s dumb that he’s seriously worried about dying in his first serial as the Doctor while fighting a big dumb slug. Bah, I guess I can’t blame him for not knowing the rules of television, and that he’s on television. Shades of any backstage segment that results in complaints about a wrestler being stupid for not watching the show on TV.
Mestor orders his lackeys to kill everyone but the Twins.
Peri, the cop and the Twins are heading for the TARDIS, I think. They get lost. Peri: “This is ridiculous! How could we get lost, there’s only one passageway!” I love how she keeps pointing out the logical flaws in the story she’s part of. The cop and the Twins take orders from Peri because as a full-fledged companion she outranks them.
The Doctor and Azmael go to the throne room to yell at Mestor. The Doctor asks Mestor if he will give up his plans, Mestor refuses, and the Doctor throws a vial of urine at him. Some sort of blue lightning bolt force field appears and protects Mestor. A bad joke follows.
Peri and the Browns arrive at where the guards are. There are three of them including Heel Birdman, and all have guns. Hugo calmly shoots the gun out of Momar’s hand and then kills one of the generic guards (in no great rush) before the third guard finally shoots him. Hugo falls down, but then shoots the third guard anyway. Cheap no-seller. Momar starts to go for his gun. Hugo: “You might just reach that gun before I can kill you…but I doubt it.” What a badass. YUR GONNA PAY! Now Peri has a gun. Hott.
The Doctor disses Mestor some. Azmael pleads for the Doctor’s life. Mestor: “He has tried to kill me! Therefore he has forfeited his own life!” Well, yeah, I have to admit I see Mestor’s side here. Doctor: “Oh, thought we’d come to that! Embolism time, is it?” Haha, the Sixth Doctor is awesome. Doctor: “Don’t tell me! My blood will bubble like a raging stream? I will beg to die, and in so doing I will crave your indulgence and forgiveness?” Mestor: “Not quite, Time Lord.” Doctor: “Good. Because in my time I have been threatened by experts. I don’t rate you very highly at all.” Mestor isn’t going to kill him, he says. Mestor: “I tire of the disadvantages of my own being!” Doctor: “Ha! I don’t blame you!” Mestor: “So I intend to take your mind, as well as your body!” Doctor: “You? Take over my mind? Hahahaha!” Hahahaha. He’s gonna hop in the TARDIS, and take a little trip. He calls it, the ego trip. Anyway, for some reason Mestor tries to take over Azmael’s mind to show the Doctor what’s what. Azmael struggles to retain control. Mestor slumps over, because “he’s trying to control too much at once.” The Doctor proposes a mind-link with Azmael. Can they do that? Azmael says that will allow Mestor to pass into the Doctor, so no-go-Navaho. Instead, the Doctor throws another bottle of pee at Mestor, and this time no shield thingie comes up. For some reason. Mestor starts melting because whoever’s pee that was ate way too much citrus. Mestor’s mind is now sharing Azmael’s body, I think, so Azmael wills himself to die. But not immediately, he’s gonna drag it out. Cheesy computer graphics cause some dark…cloud…thing to fly out of Azmael’s body and dissipate. I guess that was Mestor, I don’t freaking know anymore. Here’s another shot of the disgusting slug costume, now squirting out white silly string or something.
Haha, we cut to Heel Bird Guy clutching his head and squawking. Seriously. Haha again, as Hugo gets him to stop by punching him in the stomach. Heel Bird Dude tells the gang Mestor is dead.
And now, the legendary Azmael Death Scene. The Doctor cradles his best friend in the universe (who, again, has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again after this episode) in his arms and praises his noble death via not being possessed by a slug. Azmael gives the Doctor his costume jewelry ring and says his only regret is leaving Jocanda. He also says one of his best memories ever was getting drunk with Tom Baker.
Peri and her crew find the TARDIS, it’s doors wide open. Peri and Hugo at Jocanda. What am I doing? Peri heads off to find the Doctor and sends Hugo to go into the ship that may be filled with armed baddies. Hugo finds the Chamberlain, who immediately surrenders. The Chamberlain tries to talk him into fleeing Jocanda with him in the TARDIS. Hugo: “Shaddup.” The Chamberlain keeps talking. Hugo: “I said shaddup!” Is he trying to sound American?
Peri wanders the halls. The Doctor jumps out from behind her and grabs her. She screams, and he covers her mouth, still behind her. Why the Hell did he do that? Peri: “Don’t ever do that again!” Doctor, innocently: “Of course not!” What a dickweed. Haha, my spellchecker autocorrected that to duckweed. It disapproves of my potty mouth.
No reason for the picture of the old Doctor, it just felt like time for a picture break. Everyone who’s anyone is reunited by the TARDIS. The Chamberlain begs the Doctor for a ride. Doctor: “I remember you, you’re the Chamberlain!” Chamberlain: “That’s right, sir!” Doctor: “I don’t like you.” The Doctor tells everyone that Azmael is dead. Peri thinks the Doctor needs to stay and help rebuild the planet (which, uh, I think is why his BFF gave him that ring, actually) but the Doctor pshaws the responsibility and says simply “they’re quite capable of looking after themselves! Listen…they’ve already started mopping up.” Are you sure that isn’t the sound of another of the giant, evil, telepathic slugs that have conquered this planet? Are they seriously just going to forget that Mestor was only one member of a race of those guys? I’m ready to accept that only Mestor had telepathic powers or whatever, but they never say that. Come to think of it, if Mestor was eager to get out of his slug body to live a better life, why infect the whole universe with a bunch of other slugs anyway? Bah. Possibly Named Hugo Man says he wants to stay on Jocanda and help out. The Doctor gives him a ring, which I guess makes him Dictator of Jocanda. Hugo: “I have nothing to go back to Earth for, I have no one there.” Doctor: “That I can believe.” That deserves a wacky sitcom noise, but doesn’t get one. Peri: “I’m sorry about that, he never used to be so rude.” The Twins, as one: “Can we stay?” Haha. Peri: “No. Into the TARDIS.” The Chamberlain: “Please take me! They’ll kill me if I stay here!” Hugo, annoyed: “No they won’t.”
Peri goes into the TARDIS, where the Twins are sort of in the background. Peri: “Did you have to be so rude?” Doctor: “To whom?” Peri: “Hugo!” Oh, ok, he really is Hugo, then. Grand Master of Jocanda, Hugo. I think Hugo the Devil Doll would make a better leader. Peri: “You could at least have said goodbye!” The Doctor starts to wander off. Peri: “Are you having another of your fits?” Doctor: “You may not believe this, but I have fully stabilized.” Peri: “Then I suggest you take a crash course in manners!” With the aid of William Regal, expert on dining etiquette. But please, don’t fight in front of the children! Doctor: “You seem to forget Peri, I am not only from another culture but another planet. I am, in your terms, an alien! I am therefore bound to have different values and customs.” So start leaving your high-heeled ankle boots on a little mat by the front door of the TARDIS. And don’t eat with your left hand. Peri: “Your former self was polite enough.” And young and hott, we know, Peri. Doctor: “But at such a cost! I was on the verge of becoming neurotic!” And look how it all turned out. Peri: “We all have to suppress our feelings from time to time!” I’d hate to know how much bitching she could do if she wasn’t repressing. Peri: “I suggest you get back in the habit!” Sister Act 2 style. Doctor: “I would suggest Peri that you wait a little before criticizing my new persona! You may well find it isn’t quite as disagreeable as you think.” Peri: “Well I hope so.” Doctor: “Whatever else happens, I am the Doctor. Whether you like it, or not.” He smiles. She…slowly smiles too. Once they get the Twins to bed, monkey love time. The Doctor Who super awesome cliffhanger ending sound effect always sounds weird at the end of the last episode of a serial.
Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed that. A thoroughly confusing mess with awful costumes and shitloads of plot holes, for me this is saved by Peri and the Doctor. Everyone else was completely horrible, with the possible exception of Mestor who was so awful as to become entertaining. Certainly the real worst episode in the history of the series was something much more bland with a lot less of Colin Baker going into these crazy but awesome monologues.
