Welcome to the first official JoeBeak, where I, the mighty ChainClaw, will offer up a review of the bestest cartoon of the 80's. That being G I Joe. It's better than rebeaking Smackdown at least. So let's LIGHT THE TIRES AND KICK THE FIRES!

"The Million Dollar Medic"

We start with a bunch of G I Joe jets zooming over the ocean. Witty banter like "HOOO-EEEE I wonder why Ser-pant-ter would send a buncha Cobra Nightravens out here?" and whatnot. In a Joe Helicopter "Lift-Ticket" and the STAR OF THE EPISODE "Lifeline" exchange more banter, albeit NOT witty as Lifeline is some sort of serious douchebag who refuses to have fun. He doesn't, however, refuse to wear rather gaudy Hollywood Producer style green sunglasses though.

The Joe's fly over a big ol' yatch and we even get a brief glimpse of a chick wearing a bikini with her ass hanging out. No wonder I liked this show when I was a kid. The Joe's spot some Cobra jets and get ready to defend a factory that's on a nearby island. "Duke", the blandest Joe ever, calls for "ATTACK PLAN B!!!", which seems to be everyone flying everywhere shooting bad guys. God he's a brilliant strategist. They shoot down a Cobra jet and Lifeline tells Lift-Ticket to bring them down near the water so he can throw the baddies some life-savers. Lift-Ticket calls him nuts, but Lifeline gives the old "I'm a doctor, I SAVE LIVES, EVEN SATAN'S!"

Tomax and Xamot, the Crimson Guard Commanders (see how I try and get you caught up on geeky info?), line up Duke and get ready to shoot him down. One of the Joe's, um, "Mister Pilot Man" saves the day and shoot's Tomax down. Apparently you MUST scream "YOOOO JOE!" before ANY type of big moment. God know's the missiles "Mister Pilot Man" shot off would have missed if he hadn't.

Tomax ejects safely, because in G I Joe even like bicycles have parachutes, and Xamot sends a remote controlled jet to save him. However, the FLOATING PLOT DEVICE.. I mean, um, YATCH, gets hit by Tomax's downed jet. In a STUNNING scene the Yatch sinks in roughly four seconds, accompanied by the lines "DIVEFORIT!WE'RESINKING*GOOFY SCREAM!*" said way too fast.

Lifeline, who's like just fucking Superman this week jumps into the water and saves the aforementioned hot chick and her dad from the wreckage. The old fart laments his sunken ship while hot chick decides to hump Lifeline in the water. The Cobra jet's leave, apparently having destroyed the factory off camera whilst we were enthralled by Lifeline getting his mack on.

The dad's name is Mr. Van Mark, but we can call him Mr. Van Dam since he even has blonde hair and his ass sweats so much. What? Anyway, he explains that he figured there might be sabotage attempts and Duke and "Scarlett" remind us that every thing evil is done by Cobra. Damn right. Oh and in case you haven't figured it out, I put every G I Joe's name in parenthesis' when I first mention them as a way of implying it's thier code name and I'm not just dropping adjectives or verbs into the rebeak on a whim. Ahem. anyway, Mr. Van Dam makes the remark that Cobra bombed a coconut milk bottling plant. Everyone's just fucking confused as the main plot deviates so we can change scenes, and see the hot chick hit on Lifeline more. She runs up to him on the beach and reveals her name is "My name's Bree, my name is Brittany, but you can acll me Bree.". She's a smart one. Anyway Lifeline acts concerned for the men hurt at the factory, or he may be very gay, those damn sunglasses throw me off. Anyway he brushes Bree off to go sew him up some blue collar men. Bree swoons as he leaves, making me nearly nauseous.

MEANWHILE...

The Cobra jet's head back to "Random Hidden Cobra Base #148" to report to Serpentor. He yells at the Crimson Guard Twins a lot, and the twins do the wacky thing where they finish each other's sentence while apologizing. Serpentor ain't havin dat and um, makes two target's pop up behind the twins, forcing them to duck as he blasts them on his flying chariot dealy. He screams some more, most notably the word "NOW" over and over, makes a few threats, and leaves abruptly. I guess he had like a dentist appointment. The Baroness (I don't have to worry about Cobra name's, they're all pretty fucked up, I mean "Xamot"?) laughs at the twin's as they reveal she's just kinda chilling at the room's coffee bar. A few lines of one-upmanship take place, ending with The Baroness basically saying the Joe's will probably end up winning. Duh.

MEANWHILE...

Back at Joe base Lifeline fixes up a dog's paw. I think the dog belong's to "Mutt". Why the guy is named Mutt I dunno. The dog repays the favor by trying to french kiss Lifeline, but Lifelinbe isn't into women OR dog's you perverts. He just loves brave men. Lift-Tciket comes in and tosses Lifeline a box, remarking it's from a sercet admirerer, and it's addressed from Tiffany's in NY. I guess it's a giant chocolate Kiss(tm) from Lift-Ticket, but Lifeline groans as it turns out to be a swiss-army knife from Bree. Unfortunately, gift's offend Lifeline's odd gay lifestyle, so it must be given back.

Lifeline decides that they should waste goverment money by wasting helicopter feul to return the gift to Bree. Lift-Ticket, sadistic demon of misery demands to be present as Lifeline returns the gift.

HOWEVER...

Xamot and Tomax, and those funky Dreadnok's are already breaking into Bree's house to shake Mr. Van Dam down. After some lame threat's fro Van Dam, Tomax bitchslap's the taste outta Van Dam's girly mouth.

Lifeline arrives on the back of a motorcycle Lift-Ticket was driving, making the helicopter reference earlier make NO sense. Anyway, Lifeline get's off as Life-Ticket finds a parking space. Lifeline, ignoring the BIG ASS chainsaw hole cut into the door, walks in asking for the lady of the house. After wackily avoiding an ambush Lifeline get's knocked da funk out. The Dreadnok's look to be in control until Lift-Ticket run's in to save the day. He beats up like fifteen people alone, while managing some nice property damage as well. Van Dam get's all pissy again because the Joe's wreck more of his stuff, and the Cobra's escape via the giant ass hole cut in the floor by one of the Dreadnok's chainsaw. In a FIT OF WACKYNESS Bree credit's Lifeline solely for beating back the bad guys. Fucking bitch, Lift-Ticket should have let them all die. Bree vow's to get Lifeline a BETTER gift after he realizes the knife was bent after he fishes it out to return it. OMG LIFT TICKET CALLED LIFELINE HEEL! HEEL TURN.

We don't even get a MEANWHILE as we cut like hyperfast to Serpentor going into Roid Rage on the twin's for fucking up again. He tosses them around until the Baroness reveals that they have an even BETTER plan. Serpentor goes bi-polar and tells the Baroness to take whatever equipment she needs to finish the task. Then he goes bi-polar one mo' time as he tells her if she fucks up it's her ass. Serpentor is like Scott Steiner in many ways. Bad headgear... both genetic freaks... both cut lousy promo's... Both hate Test.

MEANWHILE...

Lifeline goes to smack his bitch up but she's just too darn cute. Well until she opens an ambulance and like a clown car of evil, fifty Cobra robots jump out. She might be a HEEEEEL the Joe's think as they fight like crazy. Suddenly all that stuff Serpentor promised Baroness appears as every jet Cobra has flies in to attack. Ok, does that make sense? They have maybe fifty robots tops, but without them the air attack would have been useless?

Even MORE wacky stuff happens as Bree drag's Lifeline to her EXTRA SPECIAL GIFT. A solid gold helicopter. Is that even possible? They draw the laser fire, cause gold is laserproof we're told, only to make Scarlett crash her jet trying to lift off. All the Joe's angrily shake thier fists as Bree fly's hazardously over the base. We get a crash teased as we FINALLY go to comercial.

Commercial... see told ya.

We're back as the Joe's scramble. Some guy in green points out the Joe's got some Helicopter's up. Bree hates them because they're not gold like her's. She's like Flintheart and Scrooge in that one Ducktale's episode. However they are more effective in fighting Cobra off, well kinda, only half of them get blown up. BUT DON'T WORRY! EVERYONE HAD A PARACHUTE! NO DEATH IN WAR KIDDIES! After the fight Duke and Scarlett wonder if the Vam Dam's are OMG HEELS.

Bree is feeling all guilty for screwing things up. Lifeline tries to talk to her, so of course she... um, steals a helicopter(she is all about helicopters man) and inadverdantly kidnaps Lifeline... um, k. A Cobra jet, apparently hiding behind a bush or something, spots them and reports to Baroness. She says follow them so they can capture the Vam Dam girl. OOOHHH SHE SOO SNEAKY.

Duke and Scarlett go to the Van Dam house to bitch at Mr. Van Dam for possibly being a Cobra spy or something. They mention Bree kidnapping Lifeline and the whole "Hey our base got nuked a little", before Van Dam reveals, OOPS he's a weapons developer. Um, that would have been some GOOD info to let out earlier dipshit. Coconut milk my ass. He whines and cries and hope's his darling stupid daughter is ok, and gives the Joe's a lead where she may have went.

MEANWHILE...

I dunno what they did, but Lifeline is fully dressed and Bree is in a fucking t-shirt only in her family cabin on the slopes. Lifeline prolly splled wine on her dress like in Three's Company, resulting in hilarious misunderstandings. Anyway, they get kinda cozy, but WAIT! It's COBRAAAAAA! Lifeline says he WON'T hurt anyone, and I JUST remembered he's a pacifist. He DOES however condone arson as he sprays gas everywhere and lights it to keep the baddies at bay. Zartan is recruited to capture the half nekkid woman.

Luckily, as if by a miracle, the Joe's arrive JUST IN TIME! Iceberg, the baddest black snow trooper in the universe, jumps out a helicopter to save Lifeline's skinny white ass.He set's his SMALL pistol on MAX POWER (the name you must not touuuuch), and causes an AVALANCHE! WITH A PISTOL! The Cobra's run like bitches to the OFFICIAL COBRA WOODEN SHACK (ONLY 45.00 AT TOYS R US), to retreat. Serpentor yells at our bad guys on a viewscreen before they blast out of the shack in a jet. HAHA good times.

Iceberg, Lifeline,a nd Bree dig out of the CRUSHING snow and marvel at Cobra retreating. Lifeline and Bree share a sappy moment, complete with Bree saying "Yo Joe" before a kiss, confirming my earlier theory. BADASS ICEBERG walks away, knowing his cold heart doesn't need the love of a woman. THA END.

Final Thoughts: Even like twenty years later (fuck I'm old) G I Joe still rocks. THAT I COMMAND