Welcome to the madness of the RAW recap, I'm your tourguide, Chain of Claw. I have a confession before we start though. Well, I didn't ACTUALLY recap RAW. I wasn't sure who was recapping what, so I just watched it. Then, me and Nik went over how not recapping RAW might destroy the geopolitical structure of a blossoming Latvia. Never wanting to hurt Latvia because I am a Dr. Doom mark, I agreed to recap. Well, I'm recapping with the help of various other recaps to jog my memory of what I forgot or missed.

First up, we get the LESS garbled RAW themesong, complete with the Satanicly Pudgy Eric Bischoff picture at the end. I THINK it is a symbol for saying that gluttony is STILL a big sin, with Eric being very evil and whatnot. Anyway, that's done, and we're treated to...

LAST WEEK! HBK and HHH looked smug and "cool" and "hip" and "fascinating" while Eric Bischoff said that HBK was ACTUALLY HHH'S FATHER AND THEY SHOULD RULE THE GALAXY! HBK turned against the vile emperor and walked away. HHH ran to the back for kissie-make-up-faces with HBK and they formed a plan. After a wild Hot Topic shopping spree, they unveiled the NEW OLD DX!! However, HHH didn't like the way his shirt fit and Pedigree'd HBK when Shawn said it made him "look fat". TONIGHT HHH BETTER HAVE SOME ANSWERS BUH GAWD!

HEY THERE'S SOME PYRO IF I EVER SAW SOME! RAW IS TOTALLY NEW! We're in Greensboro N.C., which is like three hours from me. Jim "Variation" Ross and Jerry "Diva Talent Stalker" Lawler are commentating. Did you know BenWah and ArbyD were fighting tonight? YOU DID? HOWABOUT THE ROCK VERSUS "MAN BOOB FURY" RIC FLAIR? YEAH, GOTCHA THERE! BETTER STAY GLUED TO YOUR COUCH BECAUSE THESE MATCHES... aren't next.

Bischoff's not very good music plays and he saunters out. He looks kinda like an EVIL chipmunk. Anyway Evil Chipmunk taunts Steph about beating her up. Steph better watch out, Eric's small and girlish, he probably has NO qualms with fighting women. He also knows Karate, The Cat and Glacier will back me up on this. Anyway, Eric mentions how great hye is, the people's messiah, the new Carson Daily, whatever. He then introduces TEAM CANADA V 2.0 THE UNAMERICANS!

Lance Storm gets the mic, and proceedes to bash Hollywood. He really hates like old 1950's stars. He sounds more like my grandad. I wonder if Lance knows we got them thar color movies now? Oh he also calls every american prostitutes. Well, I AM NOT A PROSTESTUTE! The damn thongs didn't fit. Moving on...

Christian gets the mic and mentions Brittney Spears, cementing the fact he at least knows what century he's in. He takes a step back mentioning Big Macs( who eats those anymore? everyone eats thier sandwiches rolled up in like tortillas now, well according to E!), but is right on with the "surfing for porn" thing. Um, not that *I* ever would surf for porn. Aw crap, nevermind.

Lance gets the mic back so HBK can interrupt him. HBK totally ignores the UNAMERICANS (get it?) and asks Bsichoff where HHH is. Bischoff would answer but TEST has to say he has an upsidedown american flag. HBK just looks at him like he's retarded. He then kinda goes off on Bret Hart, which gets some odd reactions from the fans. That was pretty much it, well as far as what I saw in that recap. LET'S MOVE FORWARD!

Commercials:
Some movie, some videogame, and some fast food. Any bets I'm right?

Eric and Eddie talk about how amazing the intricate patterns are in Bischoff's new Faberge` Egg. This is interuppoted when a guard says "THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO TALK TO YOU MR. BISCOFF!". Eric calls his mom a bitch I think, kinda rude. I'm sure Mrs. Bichoff is a nice lady. Oh, he was talking about Steph, nevermind.

We have matches tonight? What the hell?

Booker (Exposed Turnbuckle Magnet) T vs. Eddie (AVID Rock poster hater) Guerrero

Ok, I am NOT going to plagarize word for word from another recap, BUT I am also not going to write all this crap trying to make it from a new persoective. SO, it's IMAGINATION TIME!

Booker puts on a jet-pack and flies around the ring, and running into Eddie. Eddie uses his mental powers to explode Booker's jet-pack, sending him reeling. Eddie then rips Booker's arm off, and beats him with it. Booker yells in pain and cries because Eddie destroyed Bookers small village of the Planet Houston. Eddie then kicks Booker so hard his eyes bulge and he passes out. Eddie proclaims he will find the ancient Talisman of Power and destroy ALL the people of the WWE Isles. Booker hears a voice from his past. His long dead brother Stevie Ray speaks to him from beyong! Stevie says "I am the wise and powerful Stevie! Don't let this Fruit Booty Beat ya my Brutha! Put the Slapjack on his ass! QUIT BEING A YAK!"

Booker rises up, glowing, and Eddie turns, he is so scared his mullet flies off and runs away. Booker then hits the MYSTICAL HOUSTON AXE KICK! Eddie's head explodes and Booker celebrates with the ritual of burning hemmoroids called the Spinerooni.

The Axe kick WAS sick, he hit it while Eddie was standing straight up.

Winner: Booker T

Eric Bischoff goes and confront his mother, er, Stephanie. To his dismay, once he reaches the limo and pulls the door open, he's greeted by Mae Young and The (not-so) Fabulous Moolah! In possibly the best scene ever involving old people, Eric slams the door on them before they even say anything.

Commercials:
Ok, anyone wanna bet at least ONE of the commercials from before has shown up this time? Anyone?

HBK, in his search for the Titanic, or HHH, finds Booker T and his homosexual, yet heterosexual life-partner, Goldust. After trying to finally settle all the stupid crap left over from the nWo, HBK takes off to find HHH again. I should point out that Lawler, and Ross pretty much agree HHH isn't there, and no one's seen him. Is HBK a chronic(no not them) amnesiac?

Trish and Buh-Buh walk out for a match, However, it seems Molly just wanted to talk. Oh wait, she mentions how William Regal hurt his back by pressing the back of his palm too hard into it ( he does it a lot, just watch old WWF tapes). However, Molly said Eric got her the most obvious and stupid replacement possible.

BuhBuh Ray (I absorbed my brother Spike) Dudley and Trish um, "No Last Name Needed" vs. Molly "Embarassed by her current angle" Holly and "Xtreme Casket Surfing" Big Show

Molly and Big Show just beat the crap out the good guys until Buh Buh finds the MYSTICAL KEY OF ANTARES! He uses it to activate the Lions and then he and Trish form VOLTRON and hack the Showbeast up into small peices.

Winner: Trish and BuhBuh

After the match, Show tries to kill Buh Buh, but Trish storms in to be amazingly useless. Buh Buh, in his currently VERY ironic role, saves Trish from eating a table.

Commercials:
I KNOW there's a RBK one here, does ANYONE think RBK suddenly makes Reebok sound "hip"? Makes it sound like they can't spell Reebok personally.

WE'RE BACK1

HBK looks for HHH SOME MORE( this is like a whole season of Jackie Chan in ONE night,except HHH isn't a talisman, and there's only one of thim)! He finds the Big Show. Show tries to cut a promo, but HBK ignores him. I Think Show started crying after this.

We then cut to Ric Flair and Jeff Hardy stumbling through a promo. Ric puts the kid over, and Jeff just falls over his lines. Eric walks up, and you can FEEL THE TENSION between the two. Eric ALMOST says something but Old People In Black 2 hobble up and Mae tries to hump Bischoff. Eric says Moolah can't hock her shitty book on RAW, then smiles evilly and says she can. Wow, this CAN'T be a set-up.

Commercials:
Ya know, I just realized, these commercials never work. I have yet to buy new rbk shoes, a gamecube, or a BLACK STACK GRILLER. I remember the old days when subliminal advertising MENT something.

HEY! WE'RE BACK!

Bard Shaw vs. Jeff "Incoherent" Hardy

Bard Shaw uses his mighty cowbell of enchantment to dismember the small elf known as Jeff Hardy. Hardy however, uses his cunning intellect to throw the lumbering cave troll Bard Shaw off balance, and bruises his man-breasts with a thunderous Swanton Bomb, whatever the hell that is, and steals his gold.

Winnner and NEW Middle Earth Champ: Jeff Hardy

HOwever, Johnny "The Bull Orc" Stamboli charges young master Hardy and injures him thusly. Using his keen mind Johnny pins the valiant Hardy and in turn takes HIS newly stolen gold.

Winner and NEW Middle Earth Champion: Johnny Stamboli.

BUT NAY! THEN! Upon a horse of pure ivory and weilding the magical singapore cane known and "Galmdrung", Tommy the Pasty White, wise wizard from the vale of something or ruther, charges in and SMITES the vile Bard Shaw as he attacks Stamboli, claiming the gold as he pins him. Yea, I doth hope this signals the end of this tiresome orgy of pain.

WINNER and NEW MIDDLE FREAKING EARTH CHAMPION: Tommy the Pasty White.

Meanwhile, in the back, the LEGION OF DOOM (The Unamericans, and William Regal) try to coerce a new member, WOLVERINE! The short scrappy canadian says "NO way bub" and walks away, yawning cause he's really tired lately.

Commercials:
WOW THEY'RE RELEASING A NEW SPECIAL EDITION, CASABLANCA! In this one THE EVIL NATZI FIRES FIRST INSTEAD OF SAM SPADE!

JVC's TOWER of POWER was Jeff Hardy letting RVD kill him and steal his belt. Doesn't sound so good from THAT perspective huh.

"WHUPAVAKIND!" ArbyD vs. Chris "X-Man" Ben-oyt

ArbyD does a LOT of flippiy stuff here. He's like a blur almost. He moves so fast it seems like he is all over Ben-oyt! I can't see Ben-oyt getting ANY defense OR offense in! ArbyD is PUNISHING the Woverine! My god he just TOTALLY RIPPED HIS HEART OUT! Arby just killed Chris Ben-Oyt's family for watching the match! He is stomping away at Ben-Oyt and turning him into a fine paste! JESUS STOP ZTHE MATCH!!!!!

Winner and new Intercontinental Champ: Chris Ben-oyt (he has a healing factor ya know).

Commercials:
(your ad here)

HBK IS STILL LOOKING! I NO LONGER CARE!

Eric is at the announce table, which is on the OTHER side of the ramp this week, and announces the hot tag team of "Cracked Hip Hop Hooray" Mae Young and Moolah. They forget that shilling a book in the ring is STUPID on a heel run show and get killed accordingly by "Gangsta Samoans". If nothing else, RAW is a great show to watch old people get injured on.

Commercials:
I bet after a point they could show nude women and people would flip the channel still if the said nude lady was shilling like GTA3 for the tenth time.

Back in the ring, Bischoff mentions that Mae could be dead, so buy Moolah's book to pay for a tombstone. DID SOMEONE SAY TOMBSTONE? Here's comes the Undertaker to wrestle in this promo.

Taker says Bischoff should make something happen in a snap. AND TAKER IS SHOCKED WHEN CHRIS NOWINSKI SHOWS UP! NEVER MOCK ERIC'S POWERS AGAIN MORTAL!

Chris does some nice heel mic work, and as a true reward, he is cordially invited to a squash match against Undertaker.

Stone Cold Steve Undertaker vs. Chris No-Win-Ski.

Let's be honest, a roach put up a better effort against my nike than Nowinski did against Undertaker. Gotta keep the dead man unselling y0.

On the bright side, the UNAMERICANS charge the ring and shitbeat Taker. With Test like mauling him with the Canadian Seizure Attack. After eating a BIG BOOT and two ConChairto's(I think it was two cause Taker didn't exactly sell them like the devastating move they are supposed to be), Taker slowly eases himself on the mat, while winking reoeatedly to Test to let him know that he's "fine".

Commercials:
I may join the Unamericans just to quit watching commercials.

HALF of the Legion of Doom brag about killing the guy who is mostly dead, then hint that there COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE RUN INS LATER, MAYBE THE ROCK MATCH, SINCE IT IS THE ONLY MATCH LEFT.

Rock promo. Cows, Coaches, and Microphones. This was nearly painful to watch. Also Rock did his more heelish promo version where he says "IS COOKING' after the fans say it. DAMN he's evil.

Commercials:
DAMN right we need commercials after this HOT PROMO ACTION.

HHH's music plays and he lumbers out, and cuts a REALLY long promo, basically just saying that HBK is a cripple, he sucks, and he's totally useless, and that HH really wants him as a manager. Then some ring guy tells HHH something. Hunter jogs briskly, but not hurriedly, to the back. Apparently, HBK got so tired of all the bullshit HHH was spewing he slammed his head into a car window. Can't blame him.

Commercials:
If you have tough blood stains on your window, use oxyclean.

We're back, HHH is upset as the put HBK in the ambulance, and Eric says that HHH is a peice of work. HHH drops a VICIOUS "Bleep you" on Eric. HHH must be a Hollywood Stuntman.

"If ya smell the Cow Anus" Rock vs. Ric "the Dirtiest Biweekly Player in the Game" Flair

This was a good match, lots of old-school moves and finishes. Went a pretty good length, and it made Flair actually look good in a WWE ring for once since his match with Taker. Also Rocky got booed heavily, can't beat that. I can't say anything bad against the match. Flair even had black trunks on.

Winner: Rock Motiva

Rock shakes Flair's hand, but I think Flair one ups him by RAISING Rock's hand. After the good happy vibes Flair has an important announcement. That being that he is really about Y2J's intro. He stares as it plays, hypnotized, and doesn't realize Jericho is right there, and force feeds Flair a chair. Flair a chair? That rhymes! Anyway, Chris with the best line in a while with "I just wanted to remind you Flair, THAT RAW IS JERICHO!". Good ending.

Final Thought: It'll get BAD when they start hyping "RIKISHI IS JUMPING TO RAW!!!"