HE'S HERE!!!!!

Thanks to Amazing Larry (see: me) for that great Rey Mysterio Jr. hype. Unfortunately I'm not nearly as agile as Rey, even though I do own a thousand luchadore masks.

This is RAW, and I'm Chainclaw, and Riker loves him some holographic wimmens. Enough of that though, it's time for RAW, and as the helpful caller tells us, it's WWE NOT WWF. WWE!

We get the funky opening and, DEAR GOD WHAT WAS THAT! HOLY SHIT THAT HUGE ERIC BISCHOFF PICTURE JUST SCARED THE LIVING BEEJESUS OUT OF ME! He was all red and glowey, God, I'm very shaken now. "We're in this together, nothing lasts forever." God, Union Underground... philosophy for our modern times.

PYRO OF DEATH and we're live from GRAND RAPIDS MICHIGAN! Not nearly as exciting as it sounds I bet. J.R. does some Rock shilling, and even mentions Team Canada Jr. winning the tag straps, wow, but J.R. that's ON SMACKDOWN! BRAND EXTENSION J.R., you're dropping the ball !

Some crappy unused Sammy Hagar music brings out "The Bisch", smirking, laughing, pretty much doing the EXACT same thing he did in 1997, but fatter.

Using his AWESOME telekenesis, Bischoff's FIRST act of power was moving J.R. and Lawler's table to the "Nitro Position" near the ramp. I believe it was because J.R.'s hideously frozen features were scaring the younger wrestlers. Lawler makes the requisite dirty comment about being moved in new positions, and the PTC wonders how the hell they lost.

Bischoff, waiting kindly whilst I ramble, begins plugging the Rock like no tomorrow. He mentions how HE ERIC BISCHOFF IS BRINGING US THE ROCK! Where's he bringing him to? I can get the Road Dogg for like two sawbucks on Ebay for lunch at Fuddruckers. Beat that Pudgy E.

He THEN begins boasting about HHH and his bone chip aggression. He plugs him so much, the RAW set overloads and HHH's music plays on it's OWN (Wait, One Warrior Nation? OH I GET IT NOW!!)! No, wait, HHH is here. I liked the phantom music intro idea better. Huntar lumbers down the ramp, having added seventeen pounds of muscle under his armpits in the last three weeks. Anyway, I go compose a short rock opera, fix dinner, assemble the newest Gundam Asian Hooker model, and HHH has JUST spit the water and enters the ring. Ahh, I love it when a plan comes together.

I keep looking for the second hour RAWZONE graphic, but it's only been ten minutes. J.R. marks for Hunter like crazy. Apparently J.R.'s adoration scale dictates you must break his arm before he marks for you.

Bischoff begins his whole "ERIC BISCHOFF PRESENTS" thing for HBK, but HHH, the PEOPLE'S SOMETHING(really couldn't think of anything catchy), cuts him off, and introduces the SHOWSTOPPA ( I bet Paul Wight hates that nickname). HBK, in the most Panty Pals inspired purple shirt, does his hoppy, skippy jaunty thing down the ramp. Of course, he NOW slaps hands on the way. Um, wasn't he a heel not even two weeks ago? Eh, must be the purple shirt. No one can NOT slap hands with some guy in a purple shirt.

Bischoff, in possibly the most thorough explanation ever, names HBK HHH's manager. HBK and HHH throw each other smirks a lot during this. For the record I like typing HBK and HHH much better than Bischoff. I want everyone to adopt three word names so I can use this method of recapping. Anyway, HBK gets all "SHOOT" and gets in Eric's face, and after a very eeriely "Randy Savage-esque" mention of the word "Stroke", HickenBottomK walks out. The entire crowd is not surprised, as HBK's not-as-well-known third finisher is the "I'm-not-getting-my-way-walkout" strut. Lookit all dem HYPHENS! HOO BOY! JAMIE KNOBLE BABY! God I wish I had Smackdown as a recap. Anyway.

Bischoff then tells HHH to go get his friend or something. Not really sure because I was WAITING for HHH to say something, but he must have bone chips in his mouth too.

Bischoff, however, stays in the ring because that promo only went nineteen minutes and thirty seven seconds. He informs us, in an over complicated fashion yet again, that RVD and Jeff Hardy are going to fight for the NOW unified EuroContinental belt. AND IT'S A LADDER MATCH! It would have worked better if Bischoff had said it BEFORE pointing to the belt above him. Everyone just kinda popped because you don't get good deals for your buds if you don't cheer RVD. 4:20 baby(I am SO uncool).

MEANWHILE, HHH wants to help HBK look for his missing smile. HHH asks Shawn if he's going to take his ball home too, JUST LIKE SCSA(complete with a chorus of fake sounding boo's, and I SWEAR two faint "what's?", prolly from Debra and J.R.)! If so he's gonna be pissed, because they are seriously running out of balls to play kickball with. HBK loves him some kickball, so HE'S STAYING! HHH has just now worked harder to keep HBK around RAW than he did to keep his wife. That vignette had some strong homoerotic vibes. Then again HBK alone has STRONG homoerotic vibes.

Commercials:
SLAM BALL! Take an unused PS2 game and MAKE IT A REALITY! Resident Evil... OR The Fifth Element TWO... take your pick. Hey, that ISN'T the same Greyhound dog. Is Kane playing this fake one too? Gatorade. I NEVER cared to find out the history of Gatorade, so why tell me now. Local crap.

WE'RE BACK!
JEFF "DIDN'T I USED TO HAVE A BROTHER?" HARDY vs. RVD IS IMMUNE!

RVD didn't even have to job to Lesnar last night. Jesus, he must be high on the ladder. Hey ladder match, ladder? Get it? No, it sucks. Nevermind. Anyway, Jeff looks like a man who ALMOST won the undisputed title and has to give away the title he DID win to RVD...

Ahem. They lock up, chain wrestling, they forget it isn't ECW, get no pops, and just say fuck it and go for the high spots. There's a dropkick by RVD and then they tussle to the corner, RVD irish whips Hardy into the corner and Jeff does a standy-leg-scissors on the turbuckle thing. Jeff outside to get the ladder, and RVD decides jobbing tonight is bad and baseball slides the thing into Jeff's boyish-muppet looks. Then RVD does a splash deal from the inside TO THA OUTSIDE. Jeff does his best move, the HYPER-MEGA-OVERSELL as RVD goes for the climb... THE CLIMB OF HIS LYYYYFEEEE!!

Jeff recovers, tries to get a mic to call out Taker, realizes where he is, and yanks RVD off the ladder. Jeff does a... thing. Jeff climbs up after his devastating, thing, and kinda falls off. Jeff then kicks the ladder out of RVD's hands, and RVD looks at him like "WE NEED THAT!". Both men go outside to get ladders, EACH! Lawler-"Looks like the checkout line at Home Depot". RVD hits a Van Daminator on Jeff's ladder (complete with J.R.'s favorite "VARIATION OF THE VAN DAMINATOR" line), Jeff is all woozy and RVD splashes the ladder. RVD begins climbing, and Jeff rushes up, and a nice Russian Leg Sweep off the rungs. J.R. says it LOOKED like a Russian Leg Sweep. Must have been the bastard cousin, the Prussian Leg Sweep.

Jeff throws the ladder on RVD and hits the Swanton. after some selling, Jeff puts the ladder up and starts climbing AGAIN. RVD climbs up the opposite side, and hits the now dubbed Sunset Powerbomb on Jeff. WCW THUNDER by RVD on a ladder, which happened to be on Jeff. RVD puts his ladder up, and Jeff is right behind, setting his ladder up. Both are near the top, even though, um, Jeff's ladder is a good seven feet away from the center of the ring. Oh well, who needs logic, we have RVD kicking Hardy inna head. RVD lands a NASTY kick which sends Jeff into his contractual "OMG HE'S FUCKING DEAD" bump of the night. RVD, pissed about that Eddie match, hits a , quote J.R., "VARIATION" of the five star on Jeff. The Variation being, um, a regular splash.

RVD THEN, finally, climbs up and wins the fucking thing. Good match, but Hardy is NEVER going to be more than the human selling machine. Man, this recap sucks. I am NO LONGER FUNNY.
Was I ever?

Commercials:
XTASY IS A BAD DRUG! Um, thanks. I prefer heroin anyway. FLEER WWE CARDZ y0!! YOU CAN BE LIKE THE PERVY KID AND GET TORRIE'S SHORTS DAWG!

HOLY SHIT WE'RE BACK!
A few minutes ago, Jeff Hardy shows us a great big heart means crap when you loose. Poor loser Jeff. He'll be drowning his sorrows in a HUGE vat of Manic Panic tonight.

NOW, though, CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (his name just sounds like a guy who will NEVER EVER win) has to cut a promo. Well, he WOULD have, but the amazing BOOGER REDD EVIL EVIL SHARK DEAD MAN PHENOM WALKING BIG LORD OF DARKNESS Mr. CALLOWAY, IF YA NASTY, has to get his heat back for, um, not getting pinned last night. Nowinski pretty much no-win-skis and Taker goes to the back to gas up the hog for his next pointless beatdown.

MEANWHILE, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, Bischoff is talking to a VERY relaxed Rhyno about him coming to RAW. Rhyno blurts, fumbles, and tries to sound like he can form a sentence, but just waves and snorts before walking off. Bisch then runs into "WHITE CHOCOLATE" D'Lo Brown and "MECCA OF HEAT" Shawn Stasiak. Both boredly try to sound like they REALLY WANT TO JOB ON RAW. Bisch says they have THREE MINUTES, THAT'S IT, to entertain him. Then he'll have to entertain himself if they don't. D'Von walks up and tells Eric to "just leave that thang alone".

Commercials:
AUSTIN POWERS IS BAD TO THE CLONE! OMG BAD TO THE BONE, BAD TO THE CLONE! Wow, I feel much funnier again just seeing THAT crap air. Ricky Carmichael is actually only nine inches tall, that commercial is rather insensitive. USHER NEEDS A FUNKY FRESH CANDY BAR YO! That and he needs to quit having every song title start with "you... something something". 1-800-CALLATT commercials? ERIC BISCHOFF? MONDAY NIGHT? OMG NITRO IS COMING BACK! That FAKE greyhound dog angers MORE than the fake Diesel did, I realize... HEY French people doing shoe commercials. A NEW REASON TO HATE THEM. RANDY ORTON... ON CONFIDENTIAL. He's been around like two months, is he going to disclose how much it sucks to job every night?

WE'RE BACK!
Trish's Porno music hits, and she does her thing to the ring. Buh-Buh's music kinda plays, and he walks to the ring, trying to win a part in a Booker/Goldust Mummy skit covered in bad bandage get-up. Apparently he got hurt in the table match last night, or something. HEY! Regal and Molly back together! Amazing they remembered that. A Molly/Nowinski/Regal trio would KICK.

Anyway this is a INTERGENDER TAG, either that means the undead corpse of Andy Kaufman is ref or the males and females can hit each other legally. I WOULD recap this but after Buh-Buh toyed with Molly then slapped her supposedly big ass, I officially boycott this match. I will say Regal wins with the Regal Stretch and that Molly is the cutest girl in the WWE EVER, and, and she's gonna be my girlfriend! *blushes*.

Bischoff reminds SOMEONE OFF CAMERA that D'Lo and Stasiak are jobbing soon, so get ready to squash them.

Bisch then runs into Be-Noyt, and just proceedes to make a match while Chris looks pretty damn bored. Bisch DOES mention the excellent WCW Booker/Benoit series, and makes tonights Booker/Benoit match a number one contenders match to face RVD for the IC strap next week. Ben-oit STILL looks bored, MAYBE a little gassy, not sure. Oh , and the Rock, he's here, and he's walking, where? Dunno, it CAN'T be the ring though.

Commercials:

STACKER 2'S Burn of the Night:
Tommy Dreamer FINALLY not looking like an idiot on WWE tv last week.

OMG ROCK WAS WALKING TO THE RING! I AM SHOCKED! Anyway, Rocky makes his way down and starts cuttin a promo... Finally, yadda yadda. Rock, playing the biggest babyface ever, thanks Taker and Angle for not bitching when he went over clean even though he's been gone four months. HOWEVER, IN THE GREATEST MOMENT EVER, Latino "Get The H Out" EEEEEET comes out to interrupt. I can die happy now. Anyway, clever banter ensues, Eddie may or may not be an abusive father, Rock makes a cheech and chong reference, and in the end a match is made tonight. Eddie then proclaims to have "THE PEOPLE'S MULLET' fuck yeah. Anyway, the match is Non-title, and if Eddie wins he gets a title shot next week. That was so great I couldn't bash it too much. Ahhh, the People's Mullet, FUCK YEAH.

Anyway, Rock's music plays AGAIN, why? I dunno, I guess he won the promo. He walks up the ramp and "Rock with a B" Lesnar's music plays as HE walks out, and just TOTALLY disses him. Like Eminem did to Moby! OMG! Rock looks at Lesnar like "Bob Backlund?" and just walks away.

Oh fuck...
Brock "I'm not Jewish but my agent is" Lesnar vs. Tommy "Jobbin for the Weekend" Dreamer. Singapore Cane match.

Dreamer gets in the standard offense, even the classic Cane Choke w/Russian legsweep. After a few more shots, Brock hit's his Ruthless Agitation mode and beats Dreamer down. Brock suplexes Dreamer outside, and suddenly it's NOT a singapore cane match. Maybe Bisch shoulda carried around a cane THEN announced it to make it sink in.

Brock hits the ringpost again, third time in three weeks. Him and Bacon Banana have this odd infatuation with it.

Tommy gets his cane back, much like stella got her oove back, gets a few more "I'm not a jobber, not yet a midcarder" shots in, then Brock nicely TKO-5's him for the win. Taker magically appears though, and goes all He-Man with the cane, apparently miffed that Brock ate all the push-ups in the back. Someone should tell Brock his finisher was used by a guy who used to wear ruby red lip gloss and fire confetti into the crowd for cheap pops.

Commercials:
Gargoyles play baseball poorly. Well, of course, they're not real. I am getting very angry at this mockery of the REAL Greyhound dog. Max Payne? Where they dig THAT up? Damn, feels like 2001 all over again. XXX, it wouldn't be bad if his damn logo didn't LOOK like HHH's.

WE'RE BACK!
HBK comes face to face with Show. Show has had HBK on his mind a lot apparently, of thier times together, and the love they shared. Shawn says he doesn't swing that way since he became a dad. Well he doesn't swing that way with big sweaty douchebags, anyway. Show makes a few gurgling sounds which were supposed to be a threat or something, and walks off. We hear Bisch SCREAMING "THREE MINUTES" off camera near the end of this.

"White Chocolate" D'Lo Brown vs. Sean "I Lost my Gimmick" Stasiak

This wasn't a good match to recap, because every few seconds they showed Eric Bischoff being bored. Eventually Eric remembered Stasiak was called "Meat" a while back, and just said fuck it and let the Island Boys tear the poor guys a new arsehole. I REALLY hope the Island Boys don't adopt a "z" to the end of Boys instead of an "s". There was a mark moment with the weird gorilla press into a samoan drop thing.

In the back, HHH remembers it's SOMEONE SPECIALS B-DAY and gives HBK a little trinket of his affection. Looks like it was from Hot Topic. Prolly fuzzy panties.

Booker T and Goldust cut a promo, Book wears a Don King wig, and fuck it, Booker and Goldust are just the shit right now. They can do no wrong. Did anyone hear the pops for Goldy during that Heat match? Damn.

Commercials:
SPY KIDS TWO!!!!! IF THREE PEOPLE SEE IT BANK ON SPY KIDS THREE! Um, gargoyles, baseball, been there... SOMEONE GIVE USHER A DAMN CANDY BAR! HE'S UNDERWATER HE CAN'T BREATHE! Slurp and Gulp. Ok, see, no one LIKES having brain freezes. RBK has new shoes out, Reebok Break Kid? Sounds Japanese... call Sofa, I don't know all this shit. TIME TO PLAY THE VIN DIESEL!

Slam of the Week:
Booker killing Big Show with the axe kick on the spanish table at Vengeance.

Booker "Houston Heat" T vs. Chris "Kinda Sleepy" Ben-oyt.

They square off, and lock up. Some hot armbar action, then a headlock. Booker gets whipped off and hits a shoulderblock. Lock up again, more armbar fury. Benwahhh forces T into a corner and works him over. Irish whip and Benwahhh misses the clothesline, Booker hits a lunge kick though, then gets some chops in. Knife-edge if ya oldschool. Benwahh however, regains control, powers the Bookerman into the corner, then hits a nice slim jim suplex. Booker is up, and plants a kick, but Benwahh recovers and goes for his own chops, and nails another suplex. Booker tries to recover whilst the devilish Benwahh does some middle(earth) turnbuckle trickery and removes the cover. Back and forth forearms and chops, Booker sends Benwahh into the ropes and hits a backdrop. He picks him up and hits a standing forearm. Book in control and lands a nice spinebuster as well. Benwahh is reeling and feeling generally unpleasant and Book goes for a Rocketbuster Dropkick, and gets a two. Um, there were possibly near falls earlier, but, I forgot where. Eh, screw it. Ya want accurate, watch the damn show yourself.

Book goes for the scissors kick, but Benwahh counters with three rolling Deutches. Benwahh goes for one more, but it's a bridged suplex for a pin. He gets two and the match continues. More back and forth action, Booker gets tossed head first into the forgotten Turnbuckle of Anguish, and gets knocked loopy. Benwahh hits the dreaded Wolverine Wahhhface and Book, um, taps(never saw any actual tapping)?

Commercials:
HEY WATCH THE NEW TNN'S THIRTY THOUSANDTH REPLAY OF THE GODFATHER! ALL STAR TREK, ALL GODFATHER, THE NEW TNN! Gatorade... I hate thee so much. I bet the fat acne boxer guy could beat up Bart Gunn.

WE'RE BACK!!!!( I need a new segueway) Bisch is at color, and after some fun lovin camera skits, we're treated to the piss break match of the night.

"Someone likes HBKKKKKK" Big Show vs. "I Still Fucking Work here?" Dudley,

The only point worth metioning is Show ripped Spike's shirt off and the boy's whiter than me. That alone makes me feel better. The match, as painful and slow as it was, was capped off by a nice chokeslam by Show when he attacked a interfering Buh-Buh and Chokeslammed HIM ontop of Spike Dudley, who was already laid out on the table. However, the Big Show still sucks, because no amount of cool spots takes away how fat and stupid he truly is.

HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT HHH'S LOCKEROOM! IT HAS HIS LOGO ON IT! SEE IF IT'S STILL THERE IN A FEW MINUTES, NEXT!

Commercials:

RAW is back, and Lawler is shilling like a madman for Trust Company. Cause you KNOW a fifty year old pervert who dresses like a king is on TOP of the music scene.

The Rock vs. Eddie tonight, in case you MAY have forgot that hour long promo, WHICH EDDIE INTERUPPTED LIKE A GOD!

DX's music plays, and I get confused all over again as they splice live images with the damn intro. It's like a crappier and even suckier version of the Matrix.

Anyway, HHH and HBK do a few catchphrases, do some poses, and um, HHH Pedigree's HBK? That was random. Poor HBK, all he has left now is that Rocker's Reunion to blow up in his face.

Commercials:
Well, damn, pretty much read all the "commercial" entries earlier. We've ran out of new ones, sorry.

TEN MINUTES AGO!

HHH forgot HBK "Dropped the ball" with SCSA a few years back I guess. Too many "ball" metaphors in WWE lately.

HHH is walking to his white car (OMG HE HAD IT CHANGED FROM A WHITE HUMVEE TO A CAR!), and it pulls awaym and passes a black limo. OH YAY, Stephanie is in the limo. She's a face now though... or something.

Who cares though, Eddie is a walkin...

"Get the H out" Latino EEEEEEET vs. "I'm NOT a movie Star" The Rock.

Lockup and a few back and forth shots, then Rock takes Eddie down with an armbar (which according to Eric Bischoof, ISN'T entertainment).Rock hits his weird belly to belly overhead toss thing, but Eddie is up quick and retaliates with a suplex, Eddie works Rocky to the corner and pretty much does the every heel trick in the book(by Ric Flair). Back and forth action (which is trademarked Tony Schivone) Eddie takes charge with an elbow and gets Rock in a chinlock. After some HIGHLY TENSE MOMENTS OF ME NOT CARING, Rock breaks it.

Eddie, however, fighting for his family, dropkicks the Rock, and gets a pin for a 2 count. Eddie then slaps on, as J.R. calls it ,"a leg scissors figure four". Eddie uses the ropes for some heel leverage. Rock breaks it, and they are both up. Rock uses his power of punching.

Eddie knocks Rock down again, and MORE CHINLOCK ACTION!!! Eddie REALLY presses it on this time, and after EVEN MORE MINUTES OF ME NOT CARING, Rock lifts his arm as the ref gets THIS close to counting him dead or something.

Rock is on fire now and does his flurry of punches thingee, then the ddt. Eddie stumbles as Rock does his little MC Hammer dance, and he goes for the Rock Bottom, BUT NO! The People's Mullet does a sweet roll through for a two count. That's the first time I've seen an actual counter used on Rock's finisher.

Eddie then goes outside and hotshots the Rock. Rocky flies back to the mat hard, but by the time Eddie is ready for the Frog Splash, Rock rolls out of the way. Eddie gets up in time for a Pinebuster, and eats a People's elbow for the three. Eh, least Eddie looked like an actual threat. Good match.

Brock, however, senses that good has won and has to bring the forces of evil to, um, hold Rock's belt. Then, er, throw it at his feet. GOD DAMN HE'S EVIL! Also, nice way to make the belt look worthless.

Rock's music plays, which means he won that run in with Brock. Rock's four for four tonight!

We cut to Bischoff walking out to meet Steph, after the word "testicles" being used more than even I'd like, Brock walks up, apparently to throw a belt at Stephanie's feet too. However, he can't talk to anyone but Paul E. and doesn't have a ride home, so he gets in the car with Steph's mammaries. Eric shouts a lot and testicles is said AGAIN AND AGAIN. End.

Final Thoughts: Testicles.