Pre-Show: probably Star Trek.

Welcome to the granddaddy of all clip shows about the granddaddy of them all. This is not your granddady's NFL. No breastesses.

Anyway, to celebrate the upcoming 20th installment of WrestleMania, Spike Television is celebrating by showing the top 10 WM matches of all time, as selected by WWE wrestlers being forced to read teleprompters during Confidential. You'd think 20 matches might make more sense, but if they did that, each match would only get 1 minute of clipped footage instead of 2. Get ready for HHH vs. Taker in all ten spots.

This could be bad or really bad. Cross your fingers and your toes.

Your host tonight is TRIPLE H'S DAD. Not much of importance is said, so we dive right into MY SHORT ARMS MAKE ME FEEL SOOOO LONELY BECAUSE I CANNOT REACH MY COTTON PANEL who is going to warm up for this Sunday by jobbing to KAMPFIRE KOWBOY KURTIS. Sadly, Benoit hadn't yet stolen Kurt's medals and rubbed them all over his nasties... then Kurt took them back from Benoit's tights and kissed them and then was all EWW because they were still covered in Benoit's yeast infection from his cotton panel. Let's go to tabletnewspaper dot com's take on the angle:

Witness the garish queer spectacle as "Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit steals Kurt Angle's two gold medals and hides them down his tights, forcing Kurt to knock Chris out and "go for the gold." Benoit is basically gay porn mag Honcho come to life. Angle is an extremely bubble-butted, potential Advocate Men centerfold, who graciously displays his dick up against his belly in his red, white and blue singlet.  

I've got the most killer erection right now.

Anyhow, these guys do a lot of amateur crap on the mat that WWE is so thrilled with these days but kinda just bores me to fucking tears. Angle fights his way out of the web-ridden crawlspace about 50 times before becoming frustrated and bailing to take a breather. Hey now, Paul E. on commentary. Memories. More crawlspaces are opened, but Kurt secures the ropes each time. General brawling, which also bores me, is the result of an Angle cheapshot over yon shoulder of Sexpot Ref Jack Doan. Benoit with a real ouchie of a superplex, which gets 4 replays. The Germans kick in, but Angle escapes with an Anklelock, quickly countered by Benoit into one of his own. Kurt escapes by kicking Benoit in the fucking head, but Hugh Jackman will have none of that and slaps on the Loganberry scented Crawlspace, which of course, Kurt counters into an Angleface. Benoit makes the ropes and somehow Doan gets bumped. Angle oddly shows concern, which lands him in yet another crossface. Angle taps the mat ever so lovingly, but Benoit lets go to look for Eddy's lowrider. Olympic Slam for 2. Angle up for the No Laughing Rection, which meets Chris' tiny Canadian knees. Flying headbutt gets two for Benoit. Now that all of the finishers have been exhausted, this is your cue to know that the match will end in some shitty rollup or screwjob. Sure enough, there's a rollup and Kurt wins. Happy days. Ric shoves the loss right up in Benoit's stinky face and SPOILERS tells Benoit he won't be winning at WM.

Right into number 9... this. Fuck this. WM6. Toronto may be the worst place in the world to have a good WM. Yeah, it's MR. AMERICA AS MR. NANNY vs. TRAVELED TO THE FUTURE TO STEAL RICO'S MAKEUP. Feel me, Warryaaahs. This was title vs. title of course, but it didn't really count since Warrior had IC titles on like 15 different colored straps. Mr. Fashion chose yellow tonight. Some really odd cuts going on here as we shift from regular video to "camcorder taping it on a tv" quality. Hopefully this is kept to a minimum. Kidney splash for the ImmortalHH. TWO!?!? Yeah. Hogan misses the fucking leg drop. Regular splash from Warrior gets the pin as Hogan kicks out at three like he's Road Warrior Hawk or some shit. A visibly pissed off Fink hands Hogan his former belt at ringside, who gives it Hell's Earwig in a way that somehow makes him immortal. Hollywood Highlander. 

Commercials. SpikeTV can send two guys to Wrestlemania, but end up on Oblivious and you could walk away with a cool hundred bucks. Jet Li's Rise To Enigma's "Return To Innocence". These go on for quite a while.

Number eight- it's S.M. BOTTOM (w/ the happy couple of YEARS AWAY FROM BECOMING KING SHIT and MAY NOT BE A TRANNY, BUT HAS TRANNY CRED) vs. KURT SHOULD CHASE ME AROUND ON HIS RASCAL SCOOTER. His FREE Rascal. Some boxing dude was there too. Ric calls himself incredibly brilliant and handsome. JR calls Michaels the greatest champion of all time. Yikes to both. Here's the live performance of Theme From DX by the Connecticut Yankees. That should be in everyone's tape library. Michaels responds to Austin's middle fingering with a dickish little punch, then tries to escape Steve's hetero wife-beating ways early and JUST HAPPENS to have his trunks pulled down while his entire ass hangs out. Seems like that magically happened during their match at KOTR96 as well. And sure enough, he wrestle the rest of the match with his butt hanging out... and is even backdropped ass-first onto HHH at ringside. Never doubt the reasoning for the gay jokes. Mr and Mrs. Chyna interfere, and are sent back to lockerroom to wifeswap with Lawler and the Cat. We pick up the pace a bit with lots of punches and a death corner flip sell by HBK. At least he was bumping like it was his last match. Shawn locks on GOOD NIGHT IRENE and there's the second ref bump in three matches. Mike Chiota's head is now lodged up Shawn's shiny red ass. This match couldn't be any gayer even if Rip Taylor had replaced Tyson at ringside. Forearm and nonsensical nip/kip/whatever-up from the HeartStopping ShowBreaker. Here's the extended kick-catch and counter into stunner sequence that's been in like every video game since No Mercy. Austin wins and appears in a short commentary piece about what it felt like to win. That was odd.

Back to Ric, who is now approaching a blackjack table where he's apparently already won millions of dollars in chips. "Shuffle the fuck up" is not said. As Flair babbles on about what a risk the first WM was, he turns over an Ace of Johnny Spades to match his king, which earns him 21 and makes the dealer mysteriously disappear. Naitch rakes in the chips, starts playing around in them... and then looks feverishly to his left and right, paranoid that Batista will once again mug him for his lunch money. WHAT DA HELL?

Off we go to the O.G. WM, where your guest ring announcer is DEAD. Billy Martin announces the guest timekeeper, who is also DEAD. Liberace dances about like a man who didn't know that he was going to die. Special guest ref is FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE TRIPLE H'S FAVORITE ENERGY DRINK INGREDIENT. Obviously the brain damage had already set in at this point. There's a match buried in all of this somewhere. Hey, there's CLAIM TO FAME: MENTORING SEAN O'HAIRE and CLAIM TO FAME: APPEARED ON ESPN'S CHEAP SEATS. Hugs abound for Piper and the man who that is Orndorff. That sentence will be slightly funnier after I get around (the horn) to making tapes for everyone. FATHER OINTMENT is also there for some reason. Their opponents are... jesus, look at how sleazy Vince And Friends are as they all turn and stare right at Hogan's ass as he walks by. I wish I were kidding. Oh yeah, OrnPipe are facing WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN PITYING THE FOO RUNS WILD ON YOU who are joined by WHAT DOES EATING PIE AND THEN KILLING IT HAVE TO DO WITH TONGA? Piper and T go nose to nose and goddamn this rebeak is way too lengthy for what little is being shown. Slaps are exchanged before Piper kicks low and goes to a rear hump before T recovers and gets a sloppy slam out of an even sloppier fireman's carry. 5 years and 10 pounds of steroids later, Mr. T would re-emerge in the WWF as Zeus, or for you WCW fans, Z. Gangsta. You may remember him from such wrestling holds as breaking necks... and hearts. Pat Patterson is the ref and has fabulous orange hair. The match becomes a giant scrum, and we get a restart as the clips go rapid fire including T with a hiptoss on Mr. Wonderful. Double atomic drop on Hogan, a move I forgot HEELS ever used. Go figure. After a bunch of bullshit, Orton slips and hits Paula LOLZ with a misplaced cast shot and Hogan gets the pin... followed by a Lugeresque display of dancing pecs. Fancy. The Hulkster and Mr. Tea celebrate with an embarrassing display of low-fives in front and behind the back. Dig Hogan's orgasmic sell.

Ads. Finally, a video game with Willem Dafoe. DMX is gonna give it to ya, "it" being the acting performance of his life.

We're back, and right into a clip of Flair putting Savage in the Finger Four at WM8... and then into an F4 on the American Stabass at WM18. Submission wrestling really gets Flair's blood boiling, fat boy, so listen up as... wait. Man, remember that Raw where Austin just started going off about the "Nature Boy" nickname and somehow ended up peeing on Arn Anderson? I think I hated it at the time, but the memory of it seems really awesome right now. Anyway, Naitch steps up to a hangy-down mic and intros number 6 on the countdown, PINKY McBITCHALOT going up against PISSED ON RIC FLAIR'S SLOPPY SECONDS. You know, having bullshit matches on this list is fine and expected, but don't try selling me that there have been ANY WM matches better than this. Not even Bam Bam & Luna vs. Doink & Dink. So yeah, this is the best match you're gonna find back through the years because it just fucking was. Don't argue with me. And just like the goofy appearance by Kane in the first HITC, Ken Shamrock is here to attempt to put the match on Ruling-It Probation. Steve passes out all bloodily in the sharpshooter with nary a Stone Cold Tampon to be found as Shammy calls the match before heading off to get slapped by Ryan. Bob Ryan. Yeah, I did the shortest recap for the best match. Not for nothing, Cole.

Just to piss me off, Ric tells us number five is MY LIPS ARE A BIT CHAPPED, BUT IT IS NONE OF HIS CONCERN vs. FAILED TO ADEQUATELY LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON ROCK'S CRIPPLED ASS, NWO STYLE BROTHER. Yeah, Toronto, I hate you. Consider me having to sit through this as punishment for any wheedling done to TNM's heart. Unless you count TNA's penny ppv, this was the last PPV I ordered. I wasn't particularly fond of Rock, but the thought of him losing to Hogan had me furious at the time. Of course, Hogan loses to the Peeps Elbow but doesn't kick out at three, fortunately. This was horrible enough sitting through the first time. Afterwards, Flair again brings the SPOPPERS by announcing that the handi-match at WM has now been changed to Rock and Foley teaming with "The Sock". Jose Lethario, Ed The, Senor Sock, Lambchop... this could go a number of different ways.

Adz. Be on the lookout for Tim Cowlishaw in the Enzyte Bonermobile at your local upcoming NASCAR event.

Another quick clip- this one of Eating Fruit And Being Cool slamming Eating Planes And Being Gassy in front of 93 billion people at the Pontiac Silverdome. "Above Average" Barry Sanders was not present.

Flair tells us that the fatty slam may be the moment we all remember, but the smark in us just has to bring up YOU'RE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE, I'M GONNA KICK YOU IN THE BUTT AND WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP going one on with EVERYTHING I KNOW, I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN. To pretend like I know something, here's the backstory- Savage attacked Steamboat on Superstars with a top rope shot to the throat with a ringbell. Dragon's larin...  laryn... throat was "crushed" with the hilarious results of Steamboat going to elementary school to learn how to talk. This was the fantastic formula of Superstars- a feud starts with a brutal incident, moves on to being goofy, and then the payoff is almost non-existent. Hey, do YOU remember how the feud ended after Ron Bass cut open Beefcake's head with his spurs? See.

So yeah, Savage's rap-lyric inspired nickname is right up there on the embarrassment scale with Hurricane's online diary, which, since I haven't brought it up lately, recently had this gem:

Between this and the Piss On Arn story, I think the Two Man Powertrip should be effectively hating me right now. Like this rebeak in general isn't reason enough.

So yeah, Savage and Steamboat are wrestling or some shit. Kinda weird as each man's prematch promo is played over highlights of the match. Savage proclaims himself the "lord and master of the ring". We really need clearance on what is going to be said during shows so the proper rebeaker can be assigned to the show. Savage has just admitted to being both the Lord Of The Ring: Return Of The Macho King and the Ringmaster, and I gots NOTHIN. "History beckons the Macho Man!" Word. Savage, sure enough, with the atomic drop. I guess Rude's "Ow, I broke my ass" sell has just burned out any bad guy usage in my mind. Gutwrench suplex by Macho, which is pretty cool and underutilized these days. THE COLOR OF MY TONGUE WOULD SEEM TO INDICATE THAT I RECENTLY GAVE CUNNILINGUS TO KERMIT THE FROG OR POSSIBLY SHE-HULK is at ringside in Steamboat's corner, though he's really just out to stalk the object of his affection, DEAD. Must have been that WWF Magazine Cover Jinx for Miss Liz. There's the ref bump. And the super elbow. Savage steels the ringbell to send Ricky back to Gerber Daycare but Steele is up and eventually thwarts the modern day Eminem's cheatin' heart. Small package by Steamboat finally seals the deal.

We return to the empty white studio where Flair is perched on a magical ladder that has emerged from somewhere. Probably from the Farplane that produced the blackjack table earlier. We're up to number 3, with HE'S NOT YOUR BOY TOY FOR LESS THAN 60 DOLLARS AN HOUR (w/ A FUEL THAT PRODUCES AN UNPLEASANT ODOR) vs. THE ORIGINAL KING OF BLING BLING AND GRABBING OLD LADIES' TITTIES. Razor really had some serious chains working. Big Daddy Gas interferes and is booted from ringside, in what is an apparent favorite move of the Kliq in order to get paid for being on the show, not have to wrestle, and stille make it back to the hotel room before the show is over. Those wacky kids. Nash and his tassles take off, and in comes the ladder for some spots of hurting. I wish I remembered the mystery of why there were two IC belts hanging above the ring in this match, but I'm pretty sure you can blame it on Chyna somehow. Michaels makes sure the top rope is shoved as far up his taint as possible, gets caught up, and nobody gets higher than Razor Ramon climbing a ladder.

Rock is big movie star number 1 and Ninja Gaiden is represented by salami in these delicious, wheedling ads. We're almost home.

The second bestest match ever is the three way TL... just TL match from WM2K with INTERGALACTIC MARIO KART TAG CHAMPS taking on RAINBOW BITCH & Matt Facts: Matt Hates The ImagiNation as well as I LIKE MY BISHOUJO COVERED IN ASS CREAM & ENDED UP BILLY GUNN-ING MY KOTR WIN. Sadly all these years ago, we could only sit and DREAM about Buh Buh's petite white knees. A bunch of exciting stuff happens and then Matt dies. E To The C win one for Stephanie McMahon.

Advertisements. Kill it. Ok, fess up- who all is getting FFXI and the hard drive?

Here's Shawn scooting in on his zipline from WM12. Oh boy. Flair says this is a clue to the number one match, and MAN, that is not good. And now, a delicious close-up of Flair's hoof starting a stopwatch. HAMMER IT HOME, NAITCH. But first, a brief review:

10. Angle and Benoit get down all manly-like
9. The Hulk and The Warr light up Canada with their workrate bonanza
8. Austin beats Shawn like an annoying blonde
7. Mr. T loses all of his street cred
6. Bret and Austin warm up the crowd for Sid vs. Taker
5. Rock vs. Hogan something something
4. The rapper loses to the guy that talked like a gimp
3. HBK and Razor Ramon climb the ladder to homosexuality
2. Tables, Ladders, and Jeff Hardy's drug problem

and the number one match voted by the fucking idiot wrestlers is the boring as piss Bret vs. Shawn Ironman match from WMXII. It sucked then, it sucks now. Boring, a shit ending, everything you could ever want. The boyhood dream comes true. It may or may not be like Rob Feinstein's boyhood dream, HIYO. Flair insanely plugs the big name matches on WM before he exits stage left to have yet another hilarious heartattack.