Little late, not really feelin it, sounds good.

The Power Is Back. On. Stop groping kids in the dark, VELOCITY.

Rock getting killed by the NWO semi is still as welcome as ever.

Opening up cold with FINALLY, DE JUICE HAS COME BACK FOR LAWNCARE MAINTENANCE just to dare me to come up with the worst nickname possible. Pimpin the Juan Deere. CHEESEBURGER ASSAULT VICTIM apparently earned a title shot by getting his ass kicked by Simon last week. London and Juvi trade armwringers and headlocks to start, with Juice ultimately losing the battle. Kip-up from Juvi gets him a kick to the greasy head from Pauly, and he backs off appropriately. Josh mentions that these guys were the last two left in the CW battle royal for a shot at The Nunz. Man this is fast. I missed like 45 leapfrogs that brought us back to Indy Respect, esse.

Series of go-behinds ends with a Northern Lights Suplex from Juvi for 2. Double-top wristlocks from London on a reversal for a pair of 2 counts. Juvi gets dumped, but recovers with a BIG springboard dropkick. Too much excitement for everyone, so we go to a rolling headlocks spot on the mat. Juvi's laziness is just genetic. Multiple kicks right to London's face, but there's a Vis Kick on Juvi for 2. Mushroom Stomp on a charging Juvi causes Josh to strike up the Mario Party Band for some DOOT DOOT DOOT DO DO DOOT. Shades of Hoyt. Juvi comes back with edebows but misses a corner charge again and OW gets kicked right in the fucking spine. Loaded up in the corner, London has Juvi up in a crucifix, The Blinky's Edge on the way no doubt, but Juvi reverses with a hurricanrana! 1,2,NO! Damn, that would have been cool. Wow, Josh even calls it a potential Razor's Edge. London goes for a kick and misses, Juvi takes him up for an Electric Chair Drop! Yow. Man, I missed Juvi. Da Juice slowly recovers but only gets a 2. Punches and off the ropes for a completely random cross body, but London rolls him through and picks Juvi up Last Call style (tribute night), then swings him around for a (knee) backbreaker version of Snitsky's Toe vs. Wade! Only 2. Forearm to the face of London, but again countered with a wicked loud kick to the side of Juvi's cabesa as Josh suggests Paul must have a built in GPS system. London is getting frustrated, most likely because his GPS has led him into the barrio. Barrio Ware, makes a great gift. London sets Juvi on the top rope and looks like he's going for a Dragon Rana, but Juvi fights out, only to get kicked hard in the ass after London scuttles back to the apron. London up for a Springboard The Stupid, but Juvi with the defensive dropkick for 2. Both guys be dead, I SAY YOU THEY DEAD. Exchanging forearms and both guys die again as Josh spits out "American Strong Style". Inspired by Roderick Strong. Juvi whipped to the corner, but floats up, caught by London, who looks for an Alabama Jam, but Juvi nails him with a reverse rana! Mr. Guerrera suggest it might be time for a drive, called "A Move" by Romero, called the Juvi Driver by me, 123. That was quite good.

How did Batista go from scummy DC lowlife to svelte , manly, ladykiller? Let's read this month's SmackDown magazine and find out! (Hint: Triple H.)

Buy Batman Begins now on DVD. OR ELSE. Katie Holmes has a husband and fetus to feed. To space aliens.

WOW, I REMEMBER THIS GUY. Christian. Seems like it wasn't that long ago I saw this dude on Raw cutting great promos and being 5000 pounds of awesome. I REMEMBER HEY YOU, TOO! Peeps vs. Barrel Rollaz. Man, is Spanky trying harder every time I see him to look more like a homosexual? Watch out for the blisters. Sure seems like Xian is the bigger face here. Buncha reversals to begin, ending in some (fake) paintbrushes on the back of Christian's head. Haha, thumb to the eye from Christian. Ow, Death Kneelift from C Squared echoes. LOUD "CHRIS-CHIN" chant. Golly. Aww, Christian stands right on Spanky's tummy like he's a super heavyweight or something. Fireman's carry gutbuster by The Cap'n! Shades of ATAK. Holla back, Malenkomaniacs. Slowing things down with a HEEL abdominal stretch on Barrel Boy. Sitout front suplex by Christian, shades of Psicosis. It's like 1998 WCW up in this bitch. Cappy Charisma finally drawing boos from all his boasting to the crowd. The Bishoujo Master hits the ropes only to eat Spanky's spinning heel kick. Don't eat that, Christian. It was all Spanky had left in his barrel. Lint and buttons. Spank goes up top, but Christian is better than him, so that's the end of that. Kendrick bites his way free (or is simply homeless and hungry) to send Christian to the mat and there's a BIG senton, but Christian gets his foot on the rope to break the count. Going for All I Want Is A Slice of Bread, but he's shoved ribs first into the corner, and now He So Damn Unpretty. Gotta just close yo' eyes.

WWE Divas Uncovered, available wherever books are sold, jizzed on, and then neatly placed back on the shelf. See if you can miraculously bust a nut on the closeup of Hemme's forehead, but do not drip anywhere else on her face. You've got like an 8x10 area to work with.

Blitz: The League. "Win at any cost." AHEM, THE BUFFALO BILLS DESERVE SOME REPARATIONS.

Last week on SD, Randy's rKo shirt caused Cowboy Bob to have some Nash-like ailments in the hospital. MISTUURRRAH KENNEDY saved the day, though. Man, the RKO has a lesser success rate than Tomko's Fuck Up A Kick Kick.

Before I get Bum Rushed, there is a Hale (Hail) in Michigan, less famous than Hell, MI right down the road. More of a highway. Home Of Dr. Angus Young.

DUM DUM DUM, DON'T BESMIRCH THE BURCH are gonna have the unenviable task of carrying FUCK, IT'S HEIDENREICH AND A FATTY here in the MAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT. But first, Heidenreich has a frisbee.

Thank you, steroids, thank you, coke
Thank you meth and somas, too
For if you had not killed Hawk
I'd still be killing another frozen Jew.

And that was a poem, by Darren Drozdoff. Sing it like Alanis if you wish.

I really should skip the main like last week. THANKS A LOT FOR NOT CRASHING, FIREFOX. Asshole.

Heidenreich starts out on the business end of a tard beatdown by The Briticools. HARD stomps and crossface shots from Regal and Burt Chill. I like Paul's shiny triangle crotch panel. Colorado Avalanche-ish. Regal back in to massage Heidy's back and comfort his throat by grabbing it. American Strong Style from the Englishmen. Up a mountain, came down a Burchill. Ooh, listen to Burchill get all bitchy. I can get behind this wanker. Haha, blatant knee to the nuts. Heidereich's facepaint makes him look like the retarded offspring of Papa Shango and Hakushi. He finally gets to the Ricky Morton spot with a back suplex. Animal is a slow, slow house afire. What the fuck, dragon screw legwhip from Animal? Not like it's complex or anything, but still. Heidenreich is instantly filled with energy somehow , but too late as LOD MAIN EVENTING? *MELINA FACE* have hit the ring for a Hollywood-sized Dairy Queen. SNAPSHOT coming for Animal, but WE FOLLOWED MNM FROM THE BORDER come down to... even things up, I guess. Are they faces now? And now, I guess these are the Tolands. Oh excuse me, THIS LAND IS TOE LAND, SNITSKY'S FAVORITE LAND and they hit some sort of doubleteam falldown move on Animal. The T'oh Face, call it that. Tagging with Mr. Kennedy in no (toe) time. Konnan will cover them with his K-Swiss. Man, these guys are like 5'9 and 5'8, if the internet is to be believed. Part of the new midget division Lita is so fond of. Tolands/Brits staredown ends without incident and both teams agree to stomp the faces some more. I guess we all *can* just get along.

I guess that wasn't such a bad little show. Even the LOD match was just a giant beatdown on Heidenreich and screwjob finish, so I can live with that.

And now, warmth.

Even on Heat, LT wants you taking drugs and fucking cheeleaders. He yo' daddy.

The Powers Of Pain is back. Mr Fuji: "PAIN! SUFFERING! ALL OF THIS FOR YOU, MY DEMOLITION!"

GET DOWN, TURN AROUND, GO TO TOWN, MURDOCH BOOGIE YABBA DABBA DOOO, MUH-FUCK. Dem champs is here. Their impressive opposition comes (lolz) in the form of I GENERALLY GO FOR TEH LADEEZ & I'M PRETTY MUCH OPEN TO ANYTHING. Eating or fucking. Why not both? Sad when you get the gay refrence from me and you're facing Cade & Murdoch. Haha, Coach calls them "L-Cade and T-Murdoch". Venis claps to "electrify" the crowd as Viscera does a happy dance. Mmm, Heat is so much slower and easier to rebeak than Velocity with its flippity hoppy matches. I still choose not to tell you what's going on. Rest assured Cade & murdoch are fairly awesome though. JG and I were almost square until he somehow missed the spot of the year during the match on Raw where Murdoch forced Rosey to tag T-Mur in for the heat segment. So beautiful. Anyway, Val Venis sucks, so he's completely destroyed by the Carnal Cowboys. Double backdrop on V Squared. Crowd claps for him to recover because I hate them. Ha, small "Cade, Cade, Cade" chant. You will never forget the name. Venus gets desperate and recovers to make a tag to Big Vis, who is fatter and bigger than everyone, so he is better. Setting up for a double fatvalanche in the corner, but Murdoch sneaks away and Cade feeds Vis a whole pound of foot that (big) men love, but Vis still manages a BLACK hole slam on T-Murder. Crap, Money Shot on Murdoch. AND THE VD? 3 COUNT?! Thank god, this was non-title.

What was Triple H doing during his time off? You're right, I don't care either!

Buy Batman Begins. Again. Don't sassmouth me.

I AM QUITE INTERESTED IN THIS "TOE-LAND" vs. STAND BACK, THERE'S A PARTNER WHO HATES ME'S MUSIC COMING THROUGH

Let's speed it up. I really don't have the time or patience with the other gems coming up later in the show. Rosie misses a supersault from the second rope, and fuck, Snitsky wins with a TomkoKick? Whatever.

Buy the "Everybody Hates Warrior" DVD, plz. "Marred with bad business deals." I'm sold.

The McMahons did stuff still. Stephanie's balls may have fallen out, not sure.

CHRIST, JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME ALREADY is here and awesome..... OR IS IT JUST A CON? Wait, Jason Burnurnur just called Conway "The Model Of Excellence"! Hahaha. I guess he really is awesome. As you were, Mr. Conway. CONMAN SPEAKS! The legends don't realize their time has passed. I think they did, actually. DEAR FUCKING GOD IT'S GREG VALENTINE. Holy crap crap crap. The only way to make this more awesome is if Valentine dyed his hair black and came out playing his guitar. Conway & Valentine would make a fine Rhythm & Blues 2000, now that I think of it. The Robbie Con Man, he's cool, he's cocky, he's the model of excellence. Hey, the Hammer gets some LOUD chops on Conway and is actually dominating the match. Valentine looks so horribly bloated, and he's surely Bound For Glory Death. Conway finally takes over, tossing Valentine to the ringpost. Mounted face punchery from RC. The Cola Way. Valentine dropping big, crowd-pleasing elbows. Holy crap, are they gonna let him do the figure four? Wow, they are, but nope, boot to the ass and Greg gets Angleized. Oops, Conway pulls Valentine's control top panties down, and there's some 53 year old man-ass. Oh come on, THE TARD-HAMMER is out to prevent any Ego Trippin'. Valentine's not really having it, and HA, THE HAMMER PUNCHES HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE. Eugene cries because he's a fucking turd.

Buy the fucking diva softcore book or get punched in the face by Greg Valentine.

I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING & I CAN CONFIRM KERWIN'S CLAIMS OF WAKING UP vs. THERE ARE NO CAROLINA BLACKSNAKES IN THE CHALKBOARD JUNGLE

Shit, extreme rush, sorry. Matt Stryker leaves Shelton to die for some reason, and Kerwin nails Benjamin with a DDTee. What a great tag team Stryker and Hurricane will be. I'll call them "I Fucking Hate You Guys." Oops, there's a doubleteam backdrop thingy from the golf buddies. The Killer Klubhouse Krunch. Shelton just got STRYKE'D.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Burt Chill.