PUNK CARD PULLED: So the story on Impact was this- it didn't air ANYWHERE on Black Friday (thanks, Orlando) due to an insane amount of savings at your local Menards. The show got shifted to Tuesday (an hour later, to be even more confusing), just so TNM didn't get to see the last ep before FSN left town. You'd think Tom Arnold would have better clout to keep it on the air in Lanford. Which is where I've moved TNM to in Illinois. Basham Relocation Program. So JG's bitching at me isn't AS good, with this being 4 days after the show instead of 8. While we're feuding, I have to say that I don't think Shane's creepy noise at the beginning of his interviews is really an "ewwwwww", but I don't think I was right to call it "ooooooooh", either. I don't think he's grossed out or about to tattle to one of his friend's moms. It appeared to be dead last I saw anyway, so I might be ewing/oohing over spilled milk. Patrick Oohing.

IT'S ALL POINTLESS ANYWAY: Internet heartthrob David Meltzer says TNA has roughly 75 days now to find a new financial backer or they're DONE. Toast. OVAH. Poor Spanky only has 55 payments left on his barrel. Hell, he's only been ON Impact once, right? Looks like it's back to Ass. Mechanic (ASS, get it) at Chuck Palumbo's body shop. He only has one of Chuck's skills, and it's not picking locks. Ask the Tranny Destroying Gorilla.

Maybe this'll finally give me the chance to do the Full House Rebeaks. Here on the mothership. Momma Mideon.com, dear boy.

This is TNA, the new face of professional wrestling. A face covered in runny mascara.

Last week, the same paragraph I started with happened. Is that the PTI "Food Chain" theme being played over these menacing Kings Of Wrestling highlights? Here's my board:

1. Terence Trent D'Arby
2. Hiroko's Milkshake
3. Scott Hall
4. Jeff Jarrett
5. Minnie Pearl

Dusty still encourages us to get up off our "heinies" to kill the JJ-SH-KN juggernaut. JJSHKN Thunder Lyger.

Sneaking towards the dressing room of the KOW are SIX SIDES OF HOMOSEXUALITY. Red, Dutt, D-Ray, Shark Boi, Styles, and Sabin. I actually like 3 of those guys, so I shouldn't be so mean. Anywhere, the door is knocked upon by the Devlish Ray, at which point it is opened and AJ Styles punches Hall in the face, knocking him back onto the couch where DEAR GOD NASH IS WEARING NOTHING BUT A TOWEL AND YOU CAN SEE HIS FUCKING TAINT. I apologize- he's also wearing sunglasses. Not sure if it was intentional, but him mostly ignoring the situation to concentrate on the cellaphone call from his brother Steve was kinda funny. Bros before Razos. Eesh. The Slim Six scamper away gaely.

Hmm, it would appear we have a new opening graphic sequence for our little show about fussin' and a feudin'. Maybe I didn't notice. It's a Yang's Theme situation.

YANKEES SUCK, METS SUCK, GIANTS SUCK, KNICKS SUCK (w/SOLVE FOR FRANCINE + ELEKTRA / 2) have arrived in their jobber glory, with Trinity leading the way. I think they were going for "The Sexy" with her outfit, but come on. The opposition arrives in the form of WILDBOY & COWCAT. AMW has new entrance music. This does not appear to be a company losing money! BRING IN THE BILLY GUNN!

Wow, an NYC chant. Why? Johnny Swinger still isn't Alex Wright. Glen Gilberti still isn't Disco Inferno. There's really nothing of note in the match to.. well, note. Disco's pants are pretty shiny, yep. Double side Russian legsweep by the Nabisco Yogurt Crunchers. Pinebuster from Harris brings The Hot Tag. Right hands a blazin'. Shitty plancha on Swinger. Back in, Disqo reverses an Irish Whip, and Swings trips up the cowboy. From off camera, Storm MURDERS Johnny with a clothesline. .9 Batista. Storm gets an enzuigiri, and here's the Death Sentence, Period. Damn, Notepad just ate part of that last sentence. Yeah, NOTEPAD. I feel really bad for you, JG. My spellcheck, when I rarely decide to use one, is spellcheck.net.

Speaking of links, the timing is now unfortunate, but when Mideon's Heatbeak was fresh and new, the first result from Google in searching for "Nick Sinn" brought you here. Choke on that.

"EWWW/OOOH YEAH, I'M STANDING BY HERE WITH BULL OF THE WOODS, IF YOU WEEEL". Hooray, the creepy sound is back. Douglas inquires within about Dusty's big huge announcement that will IMPACT us greatly over the next two weeks. Styles vs. Hall is the main event tonight- Monty vs. Jarrett for the title next rebeak. No crazy laugh, but Shane gives up a comical "WOW!" with his jaw agape at the HUGE news.

Hey, we've got [adult swim] style bumper cards here- "Two weeks ago, WWE came to the home of TNA Wrestling, Universal Studios in Orlando, to shoot a television commercial. As an act of goodwill, TNA wrestlers attempted to present them with cookies and balloons during their visit. TNA Wrestling had planned to air the footage of our wrestlers extending the olive branch today on IMPACT! WWE to TNA: 'Air this footage and we will sue your _____ ____.' The WWE Legal Department has given TNA Wrestling 7 days to relinquish this footage. We have two choices: Hand over the footage to WWE, or air the footage Sunday, Decemeber 5th at TNA's Turning Point Pay Per View. We'd rather let you decide. Log onto TNAWrestling.com to vote now." Democracy in action, folks. Don't make Puffy choose for you. Then, come right back here to Mideon.com and vote Billocity.

God damn, XXX has beaten AMW's asses like 85 times now in these promos. Surely they will win at the ppv.

Ads. Panasonic promises a purer, more lifelike picture on your plasma television to help you enjoy your snuff porn.

Sabin/Petey promo. It promises to be the only good match on the show, so you'd be wise to avoid spending 30 dollars for it.

FRANKIE SAYS RELAX (w/BREASTS) gets a rare singles match to lose to the guy with the title shot tonight. Good for him. He's facing THE GUY WITH THE TITLE SHOT. You want good wacky nicknames, go visit a "news" site. Hmm, well here's I'LL NEVER BE A SAILOR SCOUT LIKE MY SISTERS SERENA, VENUS, ROY, RICKY, MITCH, OR BUCK (w/HOT ENOUGH TO FUCK A GIRL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SAM'S CLUB). Doing a three-way with the two guys IN the title match 11 days before the ppv? Only in TNA, folks. Michael Shane is looking moore like Shannon Moore than Shannon does anymoore. How do you like it, hand puppet? Sabin and Petey jawjack, but Shane jumps Chris from behind. HEEL BEATDOWN wooo. West says "X Dividge-e-on". The neXt Dividgeon. Dot com. Choose your own little fella. Hey, was anybody following TNA before it got tv and "Just" Joe was actually EMPLOYED here? He had inside information from Sailor Petey. Anyway, double backdrop attempt is foiled by Sabin's kick to Shane's face and a flippity bullshit sequence that leads to a tiltawhirl backbreaker on Williams. Here's a fine inset shot of Shane Douglas backstage knocking on the KOW's door. If Nash comes out and beats The Franchise's ass in a towel, I may have to laugh my balls off. Sadly nobody answers and Douglas is all "ooooooh, screw you door, AHAHAHAHA" and walks off in a huff. What a great segment. Ha, look at Tracy act all creeped out when D'Amore tries to get closer to the action in the match. Finally heel miscommunication bit #2 kicks in as Shane and Petey decide they'd be good friends, better enemies. Sabin with a rollup for 2 on Williams out of that misunderstanding. Petey gets tossed as Shane goes on offense and hits a Rey-style "guy stuck on the second rope" guillotine legdrop, with Tracy holding Sabin's leg to make the whole situation look plausible for once. Bravo. Shane with a scoop slam and a kiss from Tracy. Garsh. Slugfest, which Sabin wins with a climb-up enzuigiri. Kicks To The Back Of The Head may be having the Best Week Ever. Pee Dubs is back, with Sabin's tiltawhirl attempt countered into Petey's side Canadian legsweep. Funky spot time- Williams sets up Michael Shane for a top rope Canadian Destroyer, but Sabin handsprings up Shane's back, hits a rana on Petey, and HOLDS ON to hit a German Suplex on Shane for 2. Goddamn. Pretty fakey, but pretty cool. Cradle Shock attempt on Petey is blocked by Shane's kick to the gut, followed by a Derailer. Williams clotheslines Shane over the top and OOF Mikey lands right on his head. Canadian Destroyer attempt on Sabin is countered YET AGAIN into the Cradle Shock for the win. Sabin is more fucked at the ppv than D'Amore after he puts his dick on the table.

Backstage, Raven and his nerd helmet are joined by two hooded figures, most likely Tyler Fullington and Peaches. Douglas wants to know wassup, but Raven's all "ABCD CONVERSATION, D YOUR WAY OUTTA IT!"

Sabin/Williams ppv promo. I didn't notice before, but after Petey's CD gets countered and Cradle Shocked the first time, Williams is totally pitching a tent. Doesn't appear he's in Nick Sinn's league, though.

Ads. Druggie PSA. Some girl had unprotected sex with a guy while she was on Ecstasy. Wait, is this a public service announcement for or against E? "I got tested. I got HIV tested. It makes you think." So you didn't have any STDs including HIV, and you totally scored some unprotected sex. WHERE'S THE DOWNSIDE, AM I RIGHT GUYS?!?! HIGH FIVE.

LORD OF THE RAVEN is easy and dumb and I don't care. My mind is more on scoring some Ecstasy right now. The jobber du jour is VORDELL WALKER TEXAS RANGER. 20 seconds of action before SMELLS LIKE DDP surfaces with (basically) his WCW theme intact. Jesus, check out the freak fan boi dressed exactly like Hardy. BANG that motherfucker. DDP vs. Raven will happen at the ppv- good thing my checks came this week. These two have a lot of history together, and if you care, I probably hate you. "3 time, 3 time, 3 time" sayeth DDP, talking about his illustrious WCW World Title Wins. "I remember that night, it was Hogan, Sting, and the Nacha Boy..." Crowd whoos. "the Nature Boy, took the murder move. BANG!" The murder move? Christ I hate you DDP. And that's a shoot. "We partied that night, Raven, whoo boy. Me, you... and KIM." UH OH, GIRLFRIEND! Page is channeling Dusty in his delivery, and it's very uncomfortable. You can tell these two still love each other, because DDP is vaguely putting Raven over as being straight. Scott would rather talk about Erik Watts. See. Many people have stabbed the aligator man in the back several times, Ravey says. And apparently his ECW title reigns meant nothing. The hooded druids attack DDP from behind, and they each eat an RKO, the second one being supersized from the top. Here's a matching video piece to sell us on the big ppv matchup.

Don't try TNA at home, kids. Your ass will go bankrupt.

CUCKOO FOR COCONUTS has apparently traded in Dallas for a round, dark, furry sphere. Hi there. He's facing RANDOM RACIST HISPANIC JOKE. Hector Garza. Pretty strong "Hector" chant. Bad mat wrestling sequence. Again backstage, Douglas "knocks" on the KOW's door with unintended hilarity. No soliciting, please. Silver King-esque double jump springboard moonsault from Kash misses. Hector shows off his American Strong Style with some lariats. Garza gets distracted by Kash's ppv teammates Shane & Kazarian (as well as Tracy's Breasts), so Kash runs him right into them on the apron. Not the breasts. The other two boobs. Powerbomb attempt that was supposed to end in an overhead flip-to-rollup sequence is horrible botched, but they do the pin attempt anyway. AND IT GETS THREE? Fuck, that was bad. All that happened was Kash falling backwards, Garza running back over to him, and using a regular pin attempt. Bad bad bad. Shane and kazarian attack after the bell and set up a coconut shot, but Red, Dutt, D-Ray, and Shark Boi save. Sonjay's music plays, because he was ALMOST Muhammad Hassan's translator.

PPV rundown- Sabin vs. Williams, XXX vs. AMW, and the 6 man from hell.

Kids, keep not doing TNA at home. Do Ecstasy instead.

Summer Sanders has neither the six appeal or talent of Tony Kornhizzle.

Oops, I apparently identified the "sack of talent" jumped by the KOW as being David Young, when it was actually Konnan. Talent. Anyway, K-Kwik will take his spot at the ppv vs. Team Canada in an Any Stereotypes Go match for the tag titles.

IF THE OTHER GUY IS PETEY, AND I'M BOBBY, WHY AREN'T YOU "SCOTTY"? (w/ SHUT UP, I'M SEXY AS FUCK AND ALREADY GOT A NICKNAME EARLIER) are in the mood for some dark meat here on Canadian Thanksgiving, so let us feast upon BEAT 8-BALL IN A WINNER GETS TO STAY RON MATCH. Haha, Don West slips and calls him Ron "The Tooth" Killings in a moment reserved for me struggle-ing for a Ron Killings wacky nickname. Bobby Roode being the "powerhouse of Team Canada" means he got the shitty moveset full of delicious punches and stomps. Tenay randomly plugs Jimmy Hart's new book. Buy the audiobook, as read by Greg Valentine screaming through a megaphone. Axe Kick from the tooth, but D'Amore is up to distract Referee Richard Kiel. Now here's Eric Young to get his ass beat by The Truth, but before he can, BeeGee James removes him from the match. Roode collides with D'Amore eventually, and here's a Blackigree for the win. Wow, Road Dogg plugs Canada's free health care. He fails to say the word butt, citing that "MGM won't let me talk like that". Dogg is also pissed at Hall and Nash for putting the hurt on "K Diddle" which makes him even more hatable, if that was possible. Then he sings "Edmund Fitzgerald". Road Dogg vs. Gordon Lightfoot at the ppv, make it happen. BG talks a fucking lot. Killings: "..."

Turning Point is tomorrow. Consider it an early Christmas gift. From Satan.

Main Event: RAZOR RAMON RIPOFF MUSIC COURTESY OF RICK BOGNER, INC seeks greasy, vaguely Cuban revenge against ABNORMALLY JEWISH. "KLIQ" is on Hall's rumpus, and I guarantee that's not the first time, zing. Toothpick throw = LOL. Hall is like 6 inches taller and 350 pounds heavier than Styles. Chops and stalling to open, and a big bad commercial before we get going! Hall leaves the ring and pantomimes "forget it, I'm leaving" as we go to break. Me too, Scott... me too.

Little Danielle also took ecstasy. On the third time, third time, third time, it killed her ass. She probably had some serious unprotected sex first though. All worth it. And now a local commercial for "The Wedding Ring Store". Six-sides, how cool. You may to want to consult Time-Life Books' Mysteries Of The Unknown as to why THIS commercial is on THIS show. Mideon would probably know, BUT THEY KILLED OFF HIS FSN! And he probably wouldn't get the same commercials from Lansing that I do. Isn't there a Lansing, Illinois? What the fuck am I talking about?

We come back t the joyous news that Hall did indeed decide to wrestle tonight! Styles is a tool shed afire, but that ends when hall decides to no sell a rana attempt and just shoves AJ hard to the mat. Big Silver has made his way to the ring to offer moral support to his life partner. Wow, assisted pull from Nash on the abdominal stretch. It would be impossible for Nash to be MORE hilarious in acting like he's doing nothing wrong. Kick from Styles is held as Hall paintbrushes the face, but sure enough, here's today's third enzuigiri. Give that move a plaque and it's own parking spot. TNA fans, you so crazy with your "LETSGOSCOTTHALLLETSGOAJ" chant. Nash blatantly interferes with a clubbing shot to the back off an Irish whip, and Hall follows with a chokeslam for 2. Nash grabs a chair, but Referee Ninja Tori is having none of it and goes outside to discuss cream rinse with Poochie. Hall goes for Last Call, but PS I'LL FIND MY IMAGI WHO TOOK MY IMAGI is in with a Krappy Kermit Kick kausing Styles to land on Hall for a 2 kount. Jeff is very confused as to where he is and what the fuck's going on. AJ sets up for what would be a gravity-defying and most likely uproarious Styles Clash on Hall's fat ass, but JERRY'S KID attax with the geetar. Hall drapes his thickness over Styles for the win. Eventually, the face locker room empties out to VERY SLOWLY approach the ring and scare off The Kings. Savage says nothing important. We out.

Final Thoughts: The Hopkin backstory sure isn't as fun as one would hope. I only provide this link to see how truly offensive WV is willing to be. The next Impbeak will wait until Sunday- I'm off to hang some Asians!