NO YOU DINA: TNM's new feud was well-timed since I was personally offended to see Super Asia jump back to SmackDown after his teased return to TNA's genetically enhanced bosom. Essa, JG Loc, It's ON. Good luck grabbing our fag flag, boys.

SQUIRT ANGLE JOKE I FORGOT TO MAKE ABOUT LAST WEEK'S DREAM: "I nut in the face, of kids, who aren't cool."

MY HEART IS AS BLACK AS THE BLOOD IN MY VEINS: Thanks to the fine THIEVES on The Internet and WWE's Theme Addict (it's addicted to crackin' themes), I am now the proud owner of a shiny new Mack Militant MP3. The last minute of the song is basically just an "oh oh oh oh OHHH" breakdown, which is pretty cool. "Can I get a witness?" Yes, I dance the Rodney Mack Unemployed Shuffle.

Gonna have to wait another two years to get Coach's theme on a CD. Sorry kids.

This is TNA, dawg.

Out in the trailer park, an ambulance is being loaded with a sack of talent, but I can't see who it is. Possibly David Young. We're told that the Kings Of Loathing have done a number on the locker room, and this is the aftermath. Hall and Nash reappear for even more chicanery. This all looks so... familiar. Yep, there's Amazing Red being lawn darted into a trailer. It's actually more of "loading firewood into a truck" because most people I know don't throw lawn darts two handed and sideways. Most people I know are apparently big lawn dart enthusiasts. Where did we go wrong, gentle reader? Hall follows up the attack on Red Mysterio by beating him with Woody Paige's white board. Shane Douglas vaguely attends to Red while shouting "we've got a show to do!" This is why they signed The Limo.

Last week, last week existed.

It's at this point that I decided to go to bed instead of watching this mess. It works out better anyway when I have more of TNM's stuff to reference, so I'm at least talking about funny stuff since I can't *write* any. Hey, I actually watched some of Experience today. Totally accidental. I feel kinda letdown and stupid that neither JG or TNM quoted Bradshaw when he said he needed to speak Spanish to Eddy, "Hip-Hop" to Booker T, and "Monster" to Undertaker, when I found it to be so amusing. Eh. So let's see... Ron Artest is gone forever! A HA HA HA HA YEAH! Ooooooh, Ron, when's the album droppin, dawg? Despite my built-in hate for the Pacers, the number of games that pretty much everybody but Steven Jackson got suspended for are jokes. Stern's not fucking around anymore. The Pacers had a total of 6 guys active for Saturday's game? Jesus. If that happened to the Pistons, Darko STILL wouldn't get off the bench. And rightfully so.

*extended breakdancing sequence*

Opening Promo: WE THREE KINGS OF SHITTINESS ARE aren't an opening promo, I guess. Loc heads to the ring while his Grove Street Posse members kick Don West out of the announce table, so they can have their way with Tenay. Jarrett's facing THE NEXT MIDEON. I hope this is what TNM actually looks and dresses like. The back of his sleeveless shirt says "The Daddy Of Destruction." Such an adorable little faux-Gilligan hat, too. Got kind of a bald, fat Rhyno thing going. No offense to my more handsome faux brother, but how did he get this title shot? Especially in that "dress to conceal" onesie. There's a big chairshot. No DQ? Oh, the match is just now starting. Jarrett really has a great strategy of just beating the fuck out of a guy at ringside, then starting the match. That's why he's the champ, folks. Why yes, Nash and Hall ARE hilarious on commentary. "For those of you who saw what I did to that kid with the trailer out there, don't try that at home." Poochie's got a million of 'em. Tickle Me Elmo, am I right? Let's all have a Stroke. "Suck on that." Thanks for nothing, Scott. Jarrett stands atop the announce table, a true King of the Mountain of Beers of Wrestling. Backstage, a "limo" arrives. We'll check the authenticity of that later.

I'm really stupid in that I just now figured out that Carlito's apple is totally Razor Ramon's toothpick. Even more stupid to write it here for no reason.

Chris Sabin promo. Wait, one of the Ultimate X matches actually had a big red X hanging in the center? That looks totally ripped off from the game on Price Is Right with the tic tac toe grid. Here's the other promo about everybody being an awesome at the ppv.

Backstage, the Ubercreepy Shane Douglas is interviewing Triple X through a fence, or "cage", if you will. Daniels has his hoodie up, then pulls it down. Take THAT, Cena. This TNA/WWE hoodie battle knows no limits. Just like The Massive Swoll. Hahaha, Elix just smashed two apples through the cage fencing. I think Carlito's already been pimped enough in this rebeak. Man, listen to Elix's little boy voice. No wonder he's never allowed to speak. Don't always jump to racism as the answer, kids. Douglas got a haircut, and apparently gone with it are the "ooooooh" and "A HA HA HA YEAH" at the end of his fabulous interviews. They sadly had become my guilty pleasure of TNA. Snitsky-esque, if you will.

NUDE YOUNG CATHOLICS (w/THE THIRD WESLEY SNIPES VAMPIRE MOVIE) aren't yet well-known enough for me to pull a "Japanese Bitches Included" on. Swinger's lookin' pretty Jakked. Hall calls Trinity "suckable" which makes me wretch in terror. I'll just let The Insiders do the nicknames from now on. "EVERYBODY LOVES A COWBOY, IT'S BEEN SAID." "RUMOR HAS IT." I guess I can't always hate on Hall if he's willing to make inside references to James Storm blowing Bob Ryder. Whoops, we just got too inside. Next week, I'll be providing a graph of the upswing in homoerotic content on WV ever since I was mindbogglingly allowed to write here. Disqo and Johnny begin with a man-sized beatdown on Harris. AMW just stop selling after a while and begin a beatdown of their own. Trinity is thrown to the outside on top of the NYC after attempting a top-rope rana on Storm. "You can't do that, she's a girl!" Nash is such a gentleman. I guess Jarrett was sitting at the booth with Hall and Nash as well, because he's jawing with Harris now. There's a punch for Double J and it's on. Outsiders slowly make the save. Tenay calls this "6 on 2" like Trinity means shit. "Hold your head and walk"-style brawling to the back, and here's the cage from the XXX promo, with Elix and Chris still inside. AMW is fed to them, and I guess that's confirmation enough that Curry Man and the CFL'er aren't good guys anymore. Don West rejoins Tenay just in time to say "beatdown". Another limo arrives, this one looks real, and Douglas totally narcs on it to The Kings! What a douche. So to battle the limos, they go to the production truck. I don't understand anything. I think that tag match ended in a No Contest, if you cared.

Adz. Holla holla.

In the truck, the Three Stooges are now directing the show. Jarrett tells a pudgy gentleman "no more surprises" and to run the promo. "DON'T PUT YOUR DAMN HAND ON ME, IF YOU DO, I'M GONNA SUE YA!" Haha, Jarrett got totally punked by that fat old bastard. The promo that Jeff wanted to see was the Chris Sabin one from earlier? What's going on?

WE GOT OUR MATCHING OUTFITS FROM PAUL LONDON AND SPANKY'S GARAGE SALE are Mikey Batts and Jerrelle Clark. Pink hot pants and sandwich-board style blouses for these slices of manhood. They're jobbing to SIMPLY RAVISHING & I REMEMBER WHEN JARRETT WAS *MY* FRIEND *sad anime eyes* (w/SCOTTY THE HOTTIE). I heard through the grapevine this week that D'Amore is organizing a benefit show in Detroit with TNA guys to pay for Sabu's "medical expenses". And by expenses, I mean "it's for his Glaucoma, doc, honest". Only 21 days until Sabu turns the big 4 point Oh. He'll have to start being more gentle as he's homicidal, genocidal, and so forth. "3 Live Kru, we're comin' for those belts! Ah, ah, ahhh!" D'Amore is so awesome. I hope Sabu joins Team Canada somehow. Replacing the one show wonder Ruffy Silverstein. "I notice that Scott D'Amore is not quite as cocky, not quite as confident as he used to be." Geez Tenay, his friend Sabu is DYING... dying to order TNA Turning Point, December 5th on ppv! Like every tag match in TNA, this one starts with the heels Pearl Harboring the goofs. Ha, D'Amore is totally beating Jarelle Clark's ass on the floor. Here's a shot backstage of Nash, Hall, and Jarrett wanting a video package to be aired instead of this match. Ouch, guys- ouch. Petey does his awesome "stand on the crotch in the tree of woe" salute to Canada. I guess Chris Sabin is watching this match from the rampway, since they keep mentioning it, but we can't afford to get a camera on him. Hey, there he is. Nice shirt, Figaro. Clark gets the hot tag and comes in with a clothesline or two, then a handspring twisting moonsault thingie on Petey. Batts tries to wheelbarrow up into a bulldog on Roode, but Bobby just chucks his ass over the top rope. And there's a Canadian Destroyer for Jarrelle. Petey wants him some Sabin, real bad. Oddly, Team Canada is honorable in moving to ringside to let Sabin and Williams go at it. Cradle Shock blocked, but there's the reverse of the Destroyer right back into it, and it hits before D'Amore and Roode can make the save. Sabin is so toast at the ppv.

Backstage, a THIRD limo arrives?!? Limos are having the Best Week Ever. (Spoilers, a limo JUST MAY be destroyed on Raw tonight. Damn, it's tonight already. I don't like Mondays.) These limos get more airtime than the talent. This third one is backing in for some reason. The KOW go nuts as you'd expect.

ANOTHER Sabin promo. He own this joint? Turning Point is still imminent, have no fear.

Douglas is backstage with The Kings who are investigating the three empty limos. Everything is all very funny. I wonder if Douglas still has enough dignity to hate those guys.

Last week, DDP was exhumed for all to see.

YES, I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT "GONDORIAN" WAS looks like a god damn idiot. Sorry. This is where the Bashams conflict comes from. Raven and his Helmet +1 to Nerdism will face another social outcast, A HOMOSEXUAL. Let's get Badd Blasted. Raven has done his homework and focuses on the beautiful face of Mero since it's the central point of Badd's offense. It offends me, anyway. Clothesline/Bulldog, three left. Mero takes control and botches a rana, which Tenay tries to talk his way out of. Fuck, there's an even worse rana from the top rope where Badd's legs ended up under Raven's armpits instead of around his neck. Feel free to end this anytime. Clothesline from Badd is ducked, put he pulls up to keep from hitting the ref. Oops, Ravenkick does it anyway. The ref bumps in the Raven/Abyss/Brown saga are fucking ENDLESS. Evenflow. WITH NOBLE GONE, AND I AM BACK TO FILL THE EMPTY VOID OF WRESTLING WHITE TRASH is back again with a Diamond Cutter for Scotty. Sleepy time for the ref is broken up and Mero wins. Yay.

Syxx Sides.

Hey, one of those limos belonged to DDP. Douglas wants answers. "If you really wanna know, why don't you ask the Raven? Hey Rave, rent's due." You'd need a link for the reference I was about to make, so it's not worth it. Oops.

I ENJOY MY DAY JOB AT CINNABON is pretty horrible on my part. And his. Needs more helium. Both of us. Tonight's victim, FAUNTLEROY SKINNYPANTS is not really the Detroit Lions RB Kevin Jones, but the title tag of this link still amuses me. This Kev works (worked) USWO and once worked in front of a crowd of 40, "most of which were freebies". Poor kid. Butthole Slam, but Abyss pulls him up at two. Crowd chants "one more time" as we get a look at the Mysterious Stranger lurking in the rafters. In a moment that defines how fake wrestling is, Jones gets whipped into the ropes, and Abyss is so slow coming off the side for a Pounce Period that Kevin has to STOP running and wait mid-ring for like 2 seconds for the train to come through. Awful awful. I miss you, Billocity. Two 3 counts for Abyss. And here comes the bag of thumbtacks. KEVIN JONES DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS! NOT PART OF THE PLAN, DUDE! NO PLAN! Monty makes the save before anything cool can happen, and acts like a fucking dolt in the process as he gets zero fan response during his "crazy good guy" celebration.

The Franchise is trying to calm down Raven backstage. Wait, Erik Watts is the reason that DDP is miserable? What the fuck is that about? Shit, poetry. Afraid/maim. Holy fuck, Raven's lost it. "Watch the CD-Rom, I'm droppin' the bomb, intellectual Vietnam". I'd hope this outburst would cause a true poet laureate like Doug to rethink his opinion on Raven's awesomeness this week.

Moving on.

OINK OINK, MOMMA is slowly making his own gravy in the ring. Dusty wants, eh, I don't care what he wants. He's adding a stip to AMW vs. XXX- losers have to break up. That's the only note of any importance.

I'm fucking tired. Lets end this. THE FUTURE LOOKS BLEAK AND GAY (w/SOME BITCH) and MY BULLGOD STATUS IS UNDENIABLE vs. SO AN INDIAN, A MEXICAN, AND ROCK'S GAY STUNT DOUBLE WALK INTO A BAR. Rock's gay stunt double is Sonny Siaki, since Kid Romeo's stopped coming AROUND. The you-know-where. A good idea would be to take a break before the match even starts, so lets do that. Wow, missed 2:30 of matchtime during the commercials as Tenay tells us SHOCKINGLY that the heels jumped Team International before the bell. Siaki with a nice tossing Samoan Drop. It's breaking down at a high rate of speed. Tracy farts out yet another coconut and Kash bonks Siaki with it to end this blistering minute of action. BUTWAIT, Shark Boy is in telling the ref of Kid Kash's nefarious ways. The ref tells something to Jeremy Borash, but we never get to hear it. Shark, Garza, and Dutt all go up for splashes, and SB's hits late because he's white and has no rhythm. Whew, hear come The Kings. Stroke the edge of the bomb. FEY & FEYER (nice red hair, Jeffy) do the Hall point towards the entrance ramp as Don West sets up a perfect "around" for me to finish, but I already blew it. AJ and Hardy's guest of honor is DJ RANDY. TNA got a good deal on that electric guitar they used to do Team Canada's theme. Savage hits the ring as Hall and Nash scatter, but Jarrett sticks around to have his punch blocked and Savage nail one of his own. Well he's certainly earned his paycheck. "I'M TELLIN YA, ALL 6 GUYS, TAG TEAM MATCH FROM HELL, TURNING POINT, OHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAH!" I take it back, NOW he's earned his paycheck. Tenay has a Mooregasm.

Final Thoughts: A video game... about unrequited love... featuring "The Rub Rabbits"? Oh dear.