Excuses: When I dropped out of high school and basically sat around the house all day, the hands of time were continuously twiddling their thumbs and made you appreciate how long life is when there's nothing to do with it. Now work is almost my entire day, and just wears me the fuck out, so having the time to sit down and do these is hard. Especially on weekends where I've somehow managed to stumble onto having something to do. Anyway, sorry for neglecting this and not making the big push to get my ass together. JG has a job and manages to sit through a much worse show every week, and that piece of crap is 2 hours long. Of course I'm talking about the endless airings of Runaway Bride on TNT. Julia Roberts is so funny! Was that horrible joke me continuing my ropy-punching internet feud with JG? Let's hope not.

LOOK WHAT I DONE DID: I blame no one but myself for all of the recent departures from the Friends Of TNM roster. Rodney Mack, your thuggin' and buggin' will always live on in my heart. That said, if Gunn, Palumbo, and Rico reunite in TNA just to swerve B Jizzle and destroy the 3LK, I will sleep just fine at night.

Last week, 55 days ago, AMW and Triple X couldn't contain their deepest desires to be the sexiest team in TNA. Also, Abyss, Raven, and Monte Brown did some stupid shit in the dark. Finally, Jeff vs. Jeff was confirmed for the Jeff Road PPV.

Impact opening. Jeff.

RICO'S DAD AND I LOVE OUR DEAD GAY SONS enters to "Hail To The Chief" with D-Ray 3000 following behind with a DUSTY 2004 sign. Dusty Rhodes Ate My Lawn. Poor, poor D-Ray. He is the Lil Naitch to Dusty's Sid as the "Milennium Man". Sorry, this was more topical since it aired the Friday before the election. Now the ring is surrounded by various "good guys". Lots of dumb shit said, of course. The Polka Pig introduces his future cabinet members by listing the titles they will be winning at the PPV. Spoppers. Your new tag champs would be BILLY, DON'T YOU MISS YOUR JIZZLE, BABY TRUTH, and GHETTO BARAKA. Yes, all three of them. YOUR (not mine) X Division challenger is I SHOP AT EMINEM'S BLACK HOODIE STORE who comes out and is all "Yeah bros, wassup?" to the 3LK, which makes him somehow even lamer than them. BRRRINGIN' UP THE REAR with 6 points (of Impact), it's C U NEXT TUESDAY. Before any of them speak (thankfully?), we're interrupted by VIDEO STORE ATTENTION WHORE. Russo shoves Dusty around as he tries to get his attention. Buncha savages in this town. Oh yeah, Don Harris is out as Russo's only supporter. Sister of Lucious. "For the past 5 years, they've been tryin' to run me out of this business!" I don't know who "they" are, but they need to make a better effort at getting the job done. Russo sticks up for the young talent with horrible horrible gimmicks. Dusty is accused of stealing the spotlight in order to have one more polka dot on him at all times. "Egomaniac" is said and IT'S ON. The Meatball and the Spaghetti have been separated.

Meanwhile 'round back, a limo... no.. an SUV? That's not even an SUV limo. Anyway, it's OG LOC who instructs his driver to retrieve the ladder from yon trunk, slapnuts. Jeffrey is GANGSTA.

Victory Road is... tonight? Gosh.

RAY LEWIS isn't Ray or Rey or Raye but he did go to summer camp with Tommy Dreamer and Beulah. Raven really knows how to set the mood, sitting in a meat locker with dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. And horrible, horrible "horror" music. More bad poetry. Real bad. Eesh. Monte and Abyss have made appointments with DEATH. This segment made Heidenreich feel so bad, he had to rape Michael Cole 5 times just to get the taste out of his mouth... and into Cole's. SQUIRT ANGLE, FOLKS

PUTTING THE "HOMO" BACK IN "HOMOPHONES" are the team of world renowned blogger Eric Stevens and Mark Stephens, who you may remember from such matches as being squashed by Raven earlier this month. That was the famous "DIE MONTY BROWN" painted on Raven's chest" match. Speak of the Black Devil. SERENGHETI LEE will come pounce these motherfuckers and then sing an acoustic version of Tom Sawyer. Monty is really showing off by destroying two sacks of crap this week instead of one. Though his mind is not for rent, don't put him down as arrogant. Hmm, it would appear that Monty has a yellow sack full of something. Money is on a snake or his dirty undies. Even Stephvens attack before the bell, which lasts about 8 seconds. There's your pounces, the treat for cats. Crowd chants for a "double pounce" which would be an awful lot to ask out of some newlywed jobbers. There's the double pin in 51 seconds. Monty has the mic. "HOP IN THE RAVENMOBILE WITH ABYSS, AND GO TO TOYS R US!" Hahahahahaha. "YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES? GO GET A BALL!" Man, he's on a roll today. "YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES? LET'S PLAY GAMES! IT'S CLOSE TO HALLOWEEN, LET'S PLAY DRESSUP!" Brown goes to his mystery sac, emerging with an Abyss mask and a straightjacket. Mask and an Alphabomb for Mark, Eric gets the straightjacket around his neck for some reason and a Last Call. back on the mic for more general tomfoolery and calling out The Best Damn Sports Show Pounce Period's own Bryan Cox. An angle I can't wait for. "YOU FAT WATER BUFFALO!" Bryan Cox, I hope you enjoy your meal today, because you just got SERVED. Before Mr. Brown can leave, he gets a personal message from the TNATron about just how awesome Abyss is. Sounded like the Sinister Minister. Who cares.

For 49 dollars, Jeremy Borash will give your neglected children all the attention they deserve. Illegal, tender attention. Just don't have the time anymore, do you? You're a horrible parent.

THE DAY AFTER THIS AIRED, TNM SPOTTED A "VARGAS" SIGN ON VELOCITY. IF ONLY BOOBERMNKEYS HADN'T BEEN SO LAZY, A JOKE OF HIS OWN COULD HAVE BEEN MADE. ALAS, IT IS TOO LATE. vs. GQ SMOOVE. A pretty cool, laidback theme for... ALEX SHELLEY?!?! The Babybear now sports an "AS" coat with a VERY effeminate bandana. Did Goldilocks disappear? Am I really that lucky? TNM really did boot her ass to the curb. This is a 6-man X-Division Gauntlet match, bee tee double u. Sabin starts out flipping all over the joint and tries to dump Shelley over the top rope before the 45 seconds are up, bringing in our next challenger, HEY FUTURE, THE FUTURE IS COMING... FOR YOU! Kazarian. Heel beatdown ensues. Sabin remains too strong to be thrown out by both men before the countdown, and I LIKE BIG DUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE enters to deny the other brothers throwing Sabin over with his round thing in their face. If you hate speed AND quality, vote Boobermonkeys 2004. BRINGIN UP THE REAR. Sonjay in with a slingshot somersault rana on Kazarian, if that makes any sense. It looked cool. Neckbreaker combo for Shelley, before a double reverse headscissors sends Kazarian over the top for the first elimination of the match. Kazarian, on the floor, "MOTHER FUCKER!" Frankie says RELAX. THE SECRET HANDSHAKE MUST WAIT FOR LESS TUMULTUOUS TIMES (w/ FREDDIE JOE FLOYD) is in next, and immediately has his spotlight stolen by STU, BRET, & OWEN. Trinity says Russo kept her from competing in this gauntlet match, but she's an INDEPENDANT WOMENZ! Off she sprints towards the ring, but Don Harris goes Primetime and intercepts her at the goal line. Back to the ring, THERE'LL BE NO ACCUSATIONS, JUST FRIENDLY CRUSTACEANS, UNDER THE SEA is in to round out our Hexagon of Horror. Trinity takes a swipe at Tracy of camera, or so world famous liar Mike Tenay would have me believe. Man does Kazarian ever suck. Shane's superkick for Dutt and he's gone after a 4.0 on the oversell scale. Shark grabs HBK Jr. for... DIAMOND DUST! Sweet. Out on his feet, Sabin clotheslines him out. We're down to Shelley, Shark Boy, and Sabin. Jawbreaker on the knee for the Babybear, but he recovers and backdrops Shark out. Tenay tells us that since we're down to two, it's just pinfall or submission to find us a winner for the coveted number 20 spot on Dusty's dance card at Victory Road. Lots of kicks and reversal spots. Sabin nails the Spinning Fisherman's Buster Driver, which I guess I can call the Cradle Shock now instead of being a dumbass about. Oh yeah, he won.

Backstage, hahaha, Douglas starts off his interview with "ooooooh" and this sick, sexual look on his face. The Franchise is a fucking weirdass. Coach D'Amore promises revenge and retribution for Jeff Hardy's horrible swanton on him the week before, via Petey Williams MIDGET ANGER AND FRUSTRATION right here, TONIGHT. Since it's been way too long since we've talked about him, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M GANGSTA is here to tell us he likes Petey's attitude and to remind us of warnings and planets and bullshit. See who got the wacky bold nicknames in that paragraph? Politics.

Russo is still running for King Faggot.

Man, remember when The Naturals were relevant? I didn't even give them a nickname. THE DUSTIN RHODESESES. Not quite a tribute to TNM. We were better off without. We being you and I, gentle reader. God, they're facing the 3 LIVE JEWS in what can best be described as "shitty". Shitty powerbomb from Konnan finishes. I refuse to torture you anymore.

FATTY AIRPLANE has his mind-blowing promo from last week replayed. Here's a rebuttal from THE PUNISHER WAS A BETTER FRIEND THAN YOU EVER WERE, SCOTT. "Smark" comments from Nash: "WWF", "before the dress code", "Chief Jay Strongbow". Our announcers make note that each man had kind words for "Jeff" BUT THEY DIDN'T MENTION WHICH JEFF! THIS IS WHY THERE IS A GREGORY HELMS! A GARRISON CADE!

Hoofuckingray. THE REALITY V is in da house. Beware his Pit. Piper thinks Victory Road will be among the biggest ppvs ever. "They have a 20 foot ladder, Jeff Jarrett on one side, Jeff Hardy on the other, I just wanna watch 'em come..." You said it, pal. Ouch, he actually calls out Hall on gaining "80 pounds" and looking like "Balooka the whale" in some horrible botched non-reference. HANG IT UP. Now he's out asking the crowd for their votes on Director Of Directing for TNA. Somebody fucking pull the plug. Ha, here come the bagpipes to cut him off. Take a hint, plz.

Backstage, a ladder is carrying Jeff Jarrett.

Opening Promo: I ASSURE YOU I'M GANGSTA is just joining the announcers table, so sad. Now taking his spot gayly atop the ladder. Couple a straddlers. I fear POWERED BY HOCKEY, FUELED BY ANNE MURRAY is gonna be demolished before Jarrett saves his ass, and that isn't good. GAY OR DOPED OUT OF HIS MIND? WHY NOT BOTH? is me being uncreative and just generally wishing for Jeff Hardy's demise. The Twist Of Fate and Canadian Destroyer each get tried within the first minute, so let's screw the excitement and go right to Ads. I was just kidding about the excitement, you big silly.

For just 49 dollars, Don West will give a deep tissue massage to any deceased member of your family.

We return with Jeff in the Maple Tree Of Woe. Drippings. Sign: "Down with the Hardy Party". Jeff becomes back with 3 of his 5 moves. Is that a "We Want Matt" chant? Heh. Jeff up for the Swanton, but he's thrown off by Jarrett. Canadian Detroyer setup, which we all know Jeff couldn't sell anyway, so here's Styles in with his quebrada slop drop to answer that problem. Ref counts three for Hardy despite pretty clearly seeing AJ escape the ring.

Final Thoughts: What'd I say two weeks ago? "Never two in the same day. Never again." I am so smrt.