Let's play two: This is still TNA.

Last week, about 5 hours ago, Jeff, Monty, Raven, and Abyss weren't such good friends. But boy have things changed now! TNA Babies, they'll make our dreams come true, bop a doo-bee wop. Abyss is Rowlf. Monty is Animal because he's a fucking UNCONTROLLABLE BLACKIE FROM AFRICA!

Our fun video package is CUT OFF because DOINS ARE A TRANSPIRIN' BACKSTAGE! John Walsh finally got in the ears of America Most Wanted and inspired them to go after the Crooked Priest and the Fake Canadian Mister Black Man. Everyone looks so fruity in street clothes. That's a hard task to accomplish when you wrestle in nothing but panties. Shark Boy was present, but remained in amphibious form.

Impact opening. Such crappy fans.

WE'RE GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER WHERE I WILL BE LEAD GUITAR AND OCCASIONALLY PLAY THE SLAPNUTS looks dressed to wrestle but will hopefully give us a much-needed global warning first. Nope, it's a match, and he's out first because tradition bites. Tonight's title challenger is RYAN O'REILLY?!?! Wow, Jarrett has skipped over fighting jobbers and is now having matches with characters from HBO's Oz. Nobody here probably even watched besides me, so all the "jokes" would be a loss. Nothing unusual there, though. Sadly this goof looks nothing like Dean Winters. He gets some damn funny sounding music though. Lockup, Jarrett backs him to a corner and misses a punch as O'Reilly... escapes and dances an Irish jig! Hahaha. Awesome. Here's another! Oops, Jarrett whacks him from behind. The symbolic Ladder Of Challenge is at ringside and Jeff is using it to put our little Irish prison pal in a world of hurt. "Stroke" chant which Jarrett plays to (dumbass) and there it is. Ryan meets the same fate as brother Cyril. Jarrett continues the beatdown after the bell. There's an irish whip into the ladder. Before Ryan can tell us that "I'm from Dublin!", the Charismatic Enema is out to save Ryan O'Reilly from getting thrown in the hole... though Jeff would probably like having Ryan in another hole, if you know what I mean. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

He wants to fuck him. With a vibrator. Much like television's Bill O'Reilly! Swipe.

We're whisked away to TV Land where... god damn, GRANNY GRABBER has definitely seen some better fucking days. "Hey yo, hey yo, hey yo. Big Kev, hey yo. Big Kev, hey yo." I think Hall may be challenging Nash to a match at Victory Road, it what most experts ould describe as "one of the worst ideas ever". There's a shot of him doing the airplane walk that is equal parts funny and fucking sad. Man.

Commercials. Act now, and fow 49 dollars, Jeremy Borash will pierce your ears and buy you a martini if you agree to split a hotel room with him.

This just keeps getting better. HONK IF YOU LOVE POLKA DOTS gets a horrible political-style ad since he's running for Prize Pig at the 4h fair. Vote Zoidberg.

I WISH JEFF HARDY WOULD QUIT MAKING APPOINTMENTS WITH PEOPLE INSIDE OF ME & I MOVED TO SAN ANTONIO TO BE CLOSER TO FUNAKI (w/ GENERIC TNA GIRL #3) have returned from their 55 week absence. Can't say I missed them. Shane & Kazarian do their friendlysecret handshake as usual. I'm still lost on Tracy's general purpose. The result of drawing two names out of the X-Division hat resulted in X, Y, Down, Up, I ALWAYS FORGET & AS A MINORITY IN AMERICA, I CANNOT AFFORD THINGS LIKE FINAL FANTASIES OR WATER. I'm not even going to complain about how bad the nicknames are, this just needs to get done. Sabin and Sonjay could actually be a pretty decent team if Sabin wasn't so god damned boring. Sonjay is very over, much like "Stroke" was earlier. All 4 of these panty-weights will be in the X-Division Gauntlet at the ppv. I dunno, this should be a good match but it all seems so bland to me. Sonjay has shiny gold pants though. he takes kazarian down to the mat with a headlock, and when Shane comes in to break it, he runs right up his body and holds the move on Frankie. Relax. Kazarian's out of the headlock. Irish whip, The Future drops down, kips up, and right back into Sonjay's side headlock. There's a sparkly rana. Shane attacks from behind, and there's an illegal heel double team attempt, foiled by a springboard dropkick on both by Sabin. Looks like some stereo offense gets botched as I lose hope for this match. The production crew does as well, since we go check out backstage where Jarelle Clark, D-Ray, and Shark Boy just can't seem to keep the peace with AMW. Only the finest in jobbers for the kitty cat and the cowpoke. Wait, are Storms and Harris pissed at each other now? Did Storm fall into the soft, tender hands of Chistopher Daniels on a cold, rainy night when Chris Harris was down making new friends and tag team partners at The Lobo? Such hurt feelings.

Ads. I tire of these.

We're back with Kazarian powering out of a possible cravate by Sabin. During the break, Chris did some nmean stuff to our lime-colored pals, including an unfriendly drop toehold that resulted in Michael Shane's nose being broken on Kazarian's dick. Shane tags in and we take a nap. Sabin fight out as we go once again to the back where Heavy D and The Boyz are kicking Triple X out of the building. Don't fight the paid vacation, dudez. Slingshot choke by Kazarian. Whip to the corner, Sabin reverses, but gets kicked in the brain on the rush in. Kazarian goes up for a moonsault, but Sabin runs, jumps to the top turnbuckle, and fucking super german suplexes Kazarian off! God DAMN. Crowd goes nuts. So does Don West. He bascially just made Kazarian do the moonsault he was gonna do anyway, but it looked fucking awesome. Tag to Sonjay, who is a spicy, curried goat dish afire. Big neckbreaker from Dutt, but Kazarian saves Shane. Sabin nails the fisherman's buster driver, but time runs out at the 2 count. Dig the closeup on Referee Ghost Of Crash Holly as he says "fuck". J-Dog Borash gets Larry Legend's decision- Dutt and Sabin win. The faces always win.

Douglas and Dusty backstage. More voting bullshit. Not in the mood. Here's Jarrett to talk loud and say little. Apparently Dusty is only here in TNA because Jeff has pity for him. Ouch. Dusty in a gay voice: "Why Jeffrey... are we cross with each other?" Drifting apart.

Tales From The Pit. Snuka is verbally berated. The word "promo" is said.

TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! THEY MUST LOVE MY BLOG is Eric Stevens, the doughy wonder in the purprle and orange gut-concealing onesie. Still mourning Nate Webb's grandma's untimely passing. MARSHMALLOW ALPHA-MALE BITS has already pounced this motherfucker before I'm done typing this. But lo, once punce isn't enough for Monty's black tastes. Here's another one. Stevens is dead. Crap, Monty wants to talk, and is completely turning the crowd against him. *bird noises* "It'll be welcome to the Serengheti! And I'll open the door with the POOOOOOOOWNCE!" The Serengheti has a door. Who knew. It's an APA Office Door situation. Lights out. No gorillas have radios in the Serengheti. back on, and Raven is punching him out... and he brought Heidenreich's straightjacket with him. Whoops, there's a pounce on Raven, who appears to have broken his shoulder in the process of landing. Lights out again. Back, and Abyss has him in the torture rack. Monty fights this off too, but eventually Abyss channels the energy he usually puts into Bob Ryder (don't ask) and gets him back up for a torture rack drop, or whatever "tortured soul" bullshit name that move has. Here's security again. I guess their quota was high this month.

Six.

New jobbers. Word. EL "EN" FUEGO is The Fire, and judging from his assless and crotchless chaps, I deduce that he is most certainly flaming. His partner is SCOTT "PLASTIC OR" PAPPER who appears to be about 15 years old and just as many pounds. It would appear that he is very much the ladies man. A white, malnourished Orlando Jordan. Clean cut and Papper, that's what he's about, but El Fuego's man buys him things and he takes him out. WELL YOU CAN KEEP EL DANDY CUZ SCOTT DON'T GO THAT ROUTE. This is the "big" return of the New York Connection, so give it up for HE'S JUST A DISCO DANCIN' FOOL and IRISH PAT KENNEY LEFT ME FOR RYAN O'REILLY AND HIS POT O' GOLD (w/THE FATHER, SON, AND ALI G). There's an article here that has some quick background on Papper and Ryan O'Reilly, including this gem about the latter- He goads the audience by yelling, "Suck my shillelagh!" and taunts the women that "I'm magically delicious." Score.

Trinity has joined the announce team and proves that she sounds as ugly as she looks. The challenge is made to any bitch anywhere, to come to TNA and try to be more annoying. Good luck with that. I'll bother with none of this match and tell you that the NYC won with "The Big Apple" which is a fugly looking assisted Pedigree. AMW and XXX magically appear to keep fucking fighting. The challenge is made for a match at Victory Road. We'll keep you updated, folks!

49 dollars now buys you the right to punch Don West in his fucking asshole.

Vote Russo. Whatever.

DON'T BLAME US, WE VOTED FOR GUY LAFLEUR Are here with a brand new invention. Johnny Devine has gone to the big maple tree in the sky and Team Canada has replaced him with "Ruffy Silverstein". A Jewish Canadian young punk. His finisher is the F-Jew. Forever Uncircumsized. That didn't fit, but the expiration date on that joke was fast approaching. Cottage Cheese-like. Anyway, it's Young, Roode, and... haha, Ruffy, vs. YOU CAN'T SPELL "PHENOMENAL" WITHOUT "NO MEN"- I SIMPLY PREFER BOYS. I wish it was only AJ. Getting banged handicap hardcore style. Bring on his pals. Fuck it, I'm dead. It's Killings and Hardy. Such a deadly reverse Oreo that stands in Team Canada's way tonight. We get a minute of match before the break, consisting mostly of our neighbors to the north getting their asses stomped, go figure.

The afforementioned ads. Sup Fable.

Roode evened things up turning the break with an Uncle Slam (oddly enough) on Styles. Shades Of Test. Lots of enjoyable pummeling on Styles. Tenay says Ruffy inherited his name from another Ruffy deep in Canada's wrestling past. No excuse. Hardy is in and it's breaking down. Hey, Ruffy totally scores with a Falcon Arrow Hollycaust. It gets 2 before Hardy no-sells everything and brings us to the Twist of Fate for the end. 123. D'Amore is in and attacks Hardy from behind! Yes! Here comes Petey Williams to get his ass beat by AJ, and sure enough, he does. Konnan and the Jizzle are out to help clean house, leaving D'Amore alone with Hardy. Shit. Swanton "from the top of the ladder", with the top being two rungs down, about a foot above top rope level. Poor Scott. Hey, Jarrett's arrived and KABONGS Hardy in the head. Eh, small victories. He accepts the ladder match at Victory Road, OMG.

Final Thoughts: Never two in the same day. Never again.